Today at Jamie Ridler Studios, the Wishcasting Wednesday prompt is
What Do You Wish to Welcome In?
So many things really. I could make a terribly long list of all the things I want to invite into my life, open my arms wide and say, “Welcome! Come in! Have a seat and let me get you something to drink.”
But I begin to think that really, my wishes shouldn’t be so numerous. That perhaps my wishes might really be about one thing. Or maybe two. When you get right down to it, perhaps all the things I wish for are really only variations of the same thing.
I was going to write about how just about everything I wish for this week could circle back to the idea of “enough”. Enough time. Enough rest. Enough happiness. Enough money. Just enough in general.
Which would be great. If there wasn’t something bigger that I *need* to wish for.
And that is fertility.
This evening we started the third round of clomid. I am not looking forward to the next two weeks of my life. Last month’s dosage caused some terrible side effects for me. Rage. Anxiety. Tears. Headaches. Pain. Eye irritation (I still can’t wear my contacts). And it didn’t work last month. Not even just a little. The dosage increases this month, and I anticipate that this month the side effects are going to be worse. It’s all worth it if it works. If it doesn’t works, then everything we’re going through to get there is torture for torture’s sake.
I am terribly afraid that it’s not going to happen for us. I read something I shouldn’t have yesterday related to depo provera, which for those that don’t know is an injectable form of birth control that a woman takes every three months. It has the unfortunate nick name of “female castration” & most women on it never have a period. They have terribly low sex drives and gain weight they never can quite lose but they don’t get pregnant. Ever. Even after they stop taking the shots. While the makers of depo claim that there is no long-term impact on fertility with the use of depo, the problem is that many, many women don’t have that experience. Many, many women, after taking depo, are unable to get pregnant. And those who do become pregnant have incredible difficulty carrying a pregnancy to term. I used depo for 3 years.
All of that to say that the other big thing that I need to welcome in right now is peace. There’s nothing that I can do to change what has gone before. I can’t change that on the advice on my doctor, I had a depo provera shot every three months for three years and that may now have a terrible impact on my fertility. I cannot change that. But I need to figure out how to be at peace with that and how to be at peace with the fact that my past may prevent me from creating the family that my sweet husband and I want.
Those are the things I’d like to welcome in to my life this week. What would you like to welcome in during this coming week?