It feels like something must be off in the cosmos. I’ve been out of sorts for the last few days, and a big part of it has been that I’m disappointed and unsure of what is supposed to happen next. I’m looking for answers and direction, and thus far nothing is popping up. It’s a very, very frustrating place to be.
I suppose if there is a glimmer of a sliver lining in the dark cloud that is this funk I’m living in right now is that I’m not alone. Several of the folks that I respect and admire online appear to be having a bit of a rough go right now too. It’s small consolation, though, because I don’t want anyone to be feeling this way.
One of the components of wellness has to do with one’s occupation or job. Right now I’m at a bit of a crossroads. All I really know is that I want to be home, with my husband, on the Coast. And right now it doesn’t appear that any of that is working its way towards a possibility. I’ve put in applications with local school districts, but I’ve never held out much hope that those are real options for me because my experience and education makes me a very expensive hire. For what it costs to pay me, they can almost hire two brand new teachers; it’s a no-brainer, really for those school districts and I don’t blame them. Plus – I don’t know if I even really want to teach in the K-12 arena any more. Everything is so geared towards test prep and the pressures are great. My current experience could be coloring my perception, but the truth remains that education is a much different place than it was when I started teaching in 1999.
I have also applied other places – one I’ve heard back from with the rejection letter which leads me to believe that the posting of the job was merely a formality. I heard from a friend that the interviews were to be tomorrow, but the letter dated on the 8th said the hire had already been made. It’s always difficult to go through the hoop and realize that’s all it was for them…a hoop. For you it was a legitimate hope that you were invested in and for them – just a hoop. One letter difference. It doesn’t seem like so much, does it? But it is. It might as well be the Grand Canyon.
And the phone interview that I had a month ago that was so very promising – I was supposedly moved on to the next round? I haven’t heard anything more from them. I hold out hope for them because it truly would be the perfect job for me – everything I want and need and fits my preferred modes of operation – but no word in almost a month. I keep reminding myself that in the past when I haven’t been selected for something by them, they have sent me an email informing me of that and that I originally applied with them in July of last year, only to be first contacted in November. They take awhile. I did reach out to the person I had an interview with, asking him if he knew what a timeline for the process was, stating that I understood that May was a busy time for them, but it’s also a busy time for school districts and I’d hate to get into a situation where I’d be unavailable as I was in November. We’ll see.
It’s so very difficult to be in this place of limbo. And it’s so very difficult to feel like I’ve done all this work, gotten all this education – for what? It’s very easy to get swallowed up in some pretty heinous self-talk and to believe that this darkness and uncertainty is where I am destined to live because it feels like I find myself here quite often. Sweet Husband tells me to rely on his faith – he believes that everything will be OK, he believes that where we are supposed to be is together on the Coast. But I have a nature that is negative and doubting and it is not a part of it to believe that good things are coming. Because they haven’t yet.
I recognize, though, that dwelling in negativity is not good for me or anyone around me, so I am forcing myself to focus on the things that I can control in order to deal with my disappointment and the doubt that wells up from it. In taking those steps, it feels like I’m more in control of what’s happening to me – like I’m doing something rather than having something done to me.
So far, I’ve gotten back to my affirmations – reminding myself to put out there into the Universe what it is that I seek so that it can come back to me. I’m practicing meditation again so that I can quiet my mind and the negative loop gets interrupted. I’ve expanded the job search outside of what I thought I was looking for – if I can’t have what I thought I wanted, then perhaps something else will work just as well or even better. I’m also reminding myself that if a job on the Coast doesn’t materialize, there are worse things than a commuter marriage where Sweet Husband and I sleep in different beds three nights a week. We have friends with husbands that work off-shore or in the oil fields and those husbands are gone for 2 weeks at a time (and then home for 2 weeks); we don’t have it so bad after all.
Most importantly, though, I’m remembering my core belief: what is meant to be happens. What we are meant to do, we do. Those things that aren’t right for us, don’t come to be. And everything happens for a purpose. That job that was filled before it was posted? Deep down I knew it wasn’t the right fit for me. I applied for it because I thought I should. So when it turned out that I didn’t get it, it shouldn’t have been a terrible blow. I’m working on accepting that not everything works out the way that I want it to, and remembering that is because something else is working out even better. I hope.
How do you handle disappointment? What are your sure-fire tips for getting out of the funk that results from not getting or having what you want?