This has been an incredibly difficult week. January has been an emotional black hole and this week it kinda feels like it’s collapsing on itself.
I wasn’t looking forward to today because it was another doctor’s visit which meant a ton of expense and usually a bunch of icky feelings about myself because I can’t seem to be healthy and well, despite efforts to get better.
And it was all too much.
I am strong. I pride myself on being tough. Cool under fire. Collected. As I was once nicknamed, Human Valium. But I feel a bit like I’m losing the threads. Last night, Sweet Husband reminded me that I don’t have to carry this on my own anymore, I don’t have to be strong all by myself anymore. He is very right. I do not try to carry these burdens on my own intentionally. It is nice to let him hold it for me.
Today while I was driving to my doctor’s appointment, which was not as terrible as it has been in the past, although still upsetting, I decided that the only way to get through all of this is to just surrender to it. All of the stuff that is swirling around me, I just need to give in to it. What I can control and deal with, I will. What is mine to own, I will; what belongs to others, I will do my best to give it back to them.
I think the biggest thing for me today is to focus on my health. It appears that the combinations of medications are almost right. My steps are small but they are in the right direction. I’ve lost 15 pounds since my visit in November. That is a surprise to me because I don’t feel like I’ve lost 15 pounds. It doesn’t look to me like 15 pounds are gone. But I guess maybe.
I’ve also decided that I’m going to work Sweet Husband and I towards a more diabetic-friendly diet. Neither of us are diabetic, but one of the thoughts is that I cant’ get pregnant because I have PCOS, which has a bit to do with insulin and all kinds of other issues. So, I’m going to start exploring recipes and changes we need to make in the way we shop, cook, and eat.
I’m just ready to get on with it. I’m tired of carrying all of this stuff around with me. There’s too much, and I can’t anymore.