I am participating in Kat McNally’s April Moon 14, a two week reflective writing challenge. Each day, Kat sends an email with a single word prompt to spark some time during the powerful time between the total lunar eclipse and the full moon. Participate with us!
The prompt for day 10 is
What feelings does this word evoke? What sorts of memories does this word recall? Which of your senses start to tingle? How would you represent what this word means to you?
I have seriously considered skipping this one. I’m. It sure what it is about the last few posts but they are taking me to uncomfortably tender places. I suppose everything can’t be sweetness and light, but sometimes the work is harder than what we (meaning I) want to do.
There are secrets I have carried for years, decades, almost my entire life. At times the weight of them feels crushing. But at the same time some secrets I have carried for so long that they are like old friends – worn and comfortable, easy to bear, pleasantly familiar.
Some of them are my secrets – things I’ve done, both good and bad, that are very closely held. Things I keep for myself sometimes out of regret or shame but other things simply out of a desire to keep a thing for myself, to have it remain mine in its entirety. There are things that I do that I keep to myself because they don’t fit the image of who I want to portray myself as on a grand scale. There are those close who see those images of me but as the circle widens, the control over my presentation gets tighter.
Some of the secrets are not mine to tell – afflictions, burdens, shames, fears, obsessions, ruinations. I know them; I carry them with me and protect them because I have been trusted with them or because they are as much a part of my history as they are the others’. But they still are not mine to tell. There are times, though, that I feel the weight of them bearing down.
I have read repeatedly that there can be no secrets in a marriage, and I think that Sweet Husband knows the great majority of my secrets. I’ve trusted him with things that very few others know or understand, but if I’m being truthful, there are things that even he does not know. They are not big things – they do not involve money or the darker parts of my psyche or things that are harmful to our marriage. Rather they are thoughts that come and go and sometimes come again and make themselves at home for awhile. He tells me there are things in his head I don’t want to know about either. I don’t know if that’s healthy, but I don’t know if those things we keep from each other are deal-breakers.
It’s all rather interesting to me as in general, I’m not the best at keeping a secret. I can resist telling someone what I got them as a present, for instance, but if there’s something I know, I usually tell it – at the least to Sweet Husband. But some secrets will go with me to the grave.
Where do you stand on secrets?