Today’s prompt comes from Running Headlong Into the Sun.
Do-Over: Of the things that happened this year, if you had the chance to do X all over again, what would it be?
Oh man. This is a really, really hard one to answer. There are actually very few things that I would have done differently. The problem with writing about them here is that I feel like I’ve been talking about the same things again. And again. And again. I suppose, though, that is part of the process. All of this writing gets you closer to the core of what the year was about, so you can get closer to the core of what the new year should be. Or something like that. (I’ve had a martini this evening, working on number two, which means that after this last week or so, I’m struggling to make sense of myself, let alone the rest of the year)
At any rate, I think that if I could have one do-over this year, it is that I would have asked more questions, particularly as it relates to work. I KNEW – soul-deep KNEW – that something wasn’t right. I KNEW that things weren’t happening the way they should have. I KNEW that there should have been more to it than what I was given.
I still am not sure why I didn’t ask more questions, why I didn’t reach out and say, hey…on day one I was given my computer, shown my office and told to read. Every day I see my boss posting on facebook, repinning things on Pinterest and looking for a new place to live on craigslist but more importantly, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. Will someone help me figure out what I’m supposed to be doing?
I think that part of the problem was that I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t know what I should be doing. After all, with all this education, I should be able to figure it out, shouldn’t I?
All of that was compounded by the fact that I am a watcher. I don’t generally dive right in – I like to dip in a toe. Then slowly wade in. I’m always a little suspicious of that which is just below the surface. What is waiting to drag you down and suck you in. Always questions, and I could feel there being an effort to pull me into whatever the hell that was. My gut, though, did not lead me wrong when it kept me wary of what was going
The sad truth is that I don’t know if there would have been much of a difference even if I’d asked questions. I think there was enough evidence, and I don’t think I could have truly been a change agent. Asking questions might have offered me a little protection, but I think it would have also made me even more of a target. Knowing what I know now, though, I really wish I could go back and do things differently. It might not have changed anything but it would have made me feel better about where I was heading.