Today’s Mindful Monday post brought to you courtesy of Write ALM, and the November Prompt-a-Day, of which today’s is “Gingerly”.
Once again, so very, very appropriate.
I’ve been feeling very raw – almost broken – all day today. On the verge of tears, talking myself down from a panic attack. It is a good thing that tomorrow morning I leave and head for what is now my home. It is clearer and clearer, as my dearest friend said today, that it is so difficult to be here because I do not belong here any more. This is no longer my place.
But the real truth of the matter is that I struggled today, and have been struggling this entire trip, because I have not stepped gingerly. I have blundered ahead, pretending like this place has no hold over me, that there was no trauma that had yet to be healed. And on top of that, if it weren’t enough to go to the places that I hadn’t been – by myself without the benefit of the buffer – I began to pick at the scab of my relationship with my father. And this morning I made out the list of all the things I have to do when I get home.
It was all a bit too much, and I broke a little this afternoon.
Tomorrow when I get up, all I really have to do is visit the GrandSner before stopping to get a quart of oil for Josie and a lottery ticket for me on the way out of town. And when I get home, all I’ve got to do is buy the groceries for thanksgiving, cook the stuff I’m making, go to the doctor on Wednesday, and plan my lessons for next week. That’s it. That’s moving gingerly. That’s taking care of only the things that have to be taken care of.
Anything else that may wind up getting done is gravy and a bonus.