I have been awake since a little before 3:30 this morning. On the evenings when I stay home rather than head to Hattiesburg, I pay a price. It means I must climb out of my comfortably warm bed, leaving Sweet Husband and my puppies snuffing and snoring peacefully while I get up and begin my morning rituals and prepare to make the hour drive north. Truth be told, I have come to realize that I don’t sleep well on those nights. Even though I always wake up in time to make it to work and get what needs to be done completed, I’m always terrified that an alarm won’t go off or I’ll turn it off or something will go wrong and I just won’t wake up in time. But there’s something about my bed and sleeping next to sleeping Sweet Husband.
So I stay.
I spend half an hour making coffee in the quiet of the sleeping house and then another half an hour with my morning pages. Getting back into habit and routine is hard. My hands and fingers are not used to the movements. They move slowly and awkwardly across the page, often beginning to tingle and falling prey to numbness before I am done, requiring that I stop and shake my right hand, rubbing away the unfamiliar use and strain.
My Mondays are long, and I long for stillness and peace at the end of it. In fact, today when I got to Granny’s, this afternoon, I laid down and took a nap. An hour and a half of stillness. I struggled to make my way to wakefulness when all I really wanted to do was stay asleep.
This evening I’ll begin meditating again, and the most difficult part of the meditation process for me is being still. It is not that I am constantly in motion because that is about the furthest thing from the truth. Rather it is the stillness and the paying attention to it, concentrating on the quiet and the pathways of my brain that present problems for me. While I crave quiet and still after a day spent with loud, unruly teenagers, I am not sure I crave that much quiet and stillness.
It has been awhile since I meditated regularly, and I know from past experience that I will get more comfortable with the stillness, with being still. As much as I crave the stillness of rest – sleep and quiet – I will soon be craving the stillness that comes from sinking into meditation and mindfulness. Just as in the mornings I crave the stillness of my journal and the cup of coffee, more than I crave that extra sleep.