There are so many things in my life that are going well…so many things that are unfolding in just the way that they should be.
Things remind me, though, that disaster lurks just around the corner. Last week, a friend received an email from my former boss. I haven’t said a whole lot here about what happened at the beginning of August because really that’s not the kind of attention that I need to shine on my life. But the email was a vicious attack, done knowing that I would see it. I have to wonder what exactly what the purpose was. What evil is lurking.
The truth is that I knew this wouldn’t be as easy as it first seemed. Nothing ever is. Every action has a consequence and a reaction. There is always a price to be paid.
I try to keep moving forward, dealing with each day as it comes, trying to make each day a little better and learn a little from each mistake I make. I do not claim perfection or righteousness. It is difficult for me to admit when I make mistakes, but I am smart enough to realize when there comes a point that the truth must be told. We can hold out, hoping that it won’t show its face, but eventually it always does.
And it is that eventuality that provokes anxiety in my life. The truth is one thing. And I believe that most of the time, the truth is the ultimate option. But the truth doesn’t protect you from consequences. It’s like I used to tell students with regard to free speech–while you may have free speech, freedom of speech does not mean freedom from the consequences of that speech. So there is the truth, but there are consequences of that truth.
Facing the consequences of truth is why so many of us, myself included, so assiduously avoid the truth. I am not confident in what I am doing. That fear creates anxiety for me. I am afraid that I will be found out as a fraud. It is a terrible burden to bear. I am getting better. Every day I am getting better. But part of the problem with the email from my former boss is that ring of truth as it relates to my not being able to do my job. The question of not being trained or just general incompetence does not matter. What matters is only that the job isn’t being done properly.
And right now the truths that swirl around me produce anxiety. It is sometimes crippling anxiety. That stress isn’t good for me. Particularly given the other things that are going well in my life. I have to find ways to manage that stress. Dogs need walking; pages need writing; work needs to be done.