I hear that song – “It’s just one of those days…everything sucks and you want to justify rippin’ someone’s head off….” and I feel the rage that is the music, but I can’t do anything with it.
Tell me y’all have those days, right? I was warned about today in my horoscope – apparently Mercury is going direct and that means all the BS that is associated with Mercury in retrograde is coming to a head today. I thought I was handling things well, but everything turned to shit about 4:00 and it kept rolling downhill.
Occasionally, I get into a funk and nothing is right, nothing works, and the world would probably be better coming to a fiery end. Things start to escalate and then really feel like they spin out of control.
I couldn’t get myself together. Or actually, I did get myself together but when I woke up this morning, there was a flurry of activity about deadlines and when things needed to be done and it felt like things were moving in a way I couldn’t really handle. I was behind and increasingly frustrated that I felt like I couldn’t get caught up…and that even though I said I was going to be caught up in time, I was still being forgotten…or ignored…which is a sensitivity point for me.
I shouldn’t hold it against people.
But I do.
I felt like I wasn’t being heard or acknowledged and it is just too uncomfortably close to all those years in middle and high school when you desperately want someone to acknowledge you – you’re jumping up and down, screaming “Wait for me!” and you still get left behind.
Because I am a pro at these things, rather than being left behind, I just walk away. If my pattern holds true, then I stay away or I remain detached, which doesn’t do anyone much good and begs the question, why bother?
And then I completed something incorrectly at work. Somehow it’s my fault even though someone else had to check and sign off on it. Now I have a boatload of work to do that I hadn’t planned on; there are so many other things I need to do tonight. I feel like I let people down, and I didn’t leave work until well after 5:00.
I couldn’t get the photos taken that I wanted – I had a vision, but I couldn’t get them to turn out the way I wanted them to. I couldn’t find the yarn I wanted at the store. And I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to participate in the photography circle that I was excited about, which meant I was crying on the way to the Parents’. Perhaps worst of all, I hit a cat on the way back. I saw it out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn’t stop. Two distinct thuds, crumpled in the road. No hope for kitty and in the middle of nowhere so there wasn’t anyone to notify that because they were careless and let their cat wander the countryside, he (she?) is now dead.
So I was crying again.
Those of you who have been here for awhile know that I spend my weeks away from home. I’m fortunate to be able to stay with my in-laws. I’ve been doing this for over a year, and there’s another 3.5 months to go. Most of the time it’s OK. It doesn’t bother me any more than anything else in the world. It just is.
But it bothers me tonight.
So much so that I almost drove the hour and a half home…even though it means gas expenses and I would just now be getting there and would need to get up around 3:30…like I did this morning. I really, really want to be home, but I know that isn’t possible right now. Maybe after we win the lottery Wednesday night that all changes.
In the meantime it’s too loud, and I can’t escape it. I’d put my headphones in but that’s all so much more noise. Right now I just need it quiet. Not a chance in hell of that.
The photography project that I meant to do had to do with being away from home – a day in the life. The difficulties of a commuter marriage. And even though I’m not linking up, I still have the photos for you. Seems a shame not to use them for something.
I got up at 3:30 this morning and started the coffee. It wasn’t as difficult to get up this morning as normal because we went to bed relatively early – at least early for me. Always the first things done when I get up is seeing to the making of the coffee. When I’m at home, I use a Chemex pot, which takes a significant amount of time. The water goes on to boil, and I get in the shower. By the time I’m done in the shower, the water is ready and the 20-30 minute brewing process begins.
That entire pot makes its way into my system over the course of the morning because I pour myself a cup to drink while I write, and the others go into my travel mugs…which is usually consumed during my drive north.
(it’s not in focus, but like I said – I couldn’t get the pictures to come out the way I wanted them to. The shutter speed was too slow and without a tripod, I couldn’t eliminate the shake)
When the coffee is consumed, it’s time to load all of the things that I need for a week away – all the things which were packed the night before, carefully considered and weighed, making a decision and sticking with it for a week – into the Jeep so I can make it to work on time.
(pictured above – my Kansas City Royals travel bag, my lap desk, my camera bag, and my purse. Not pictured my yarn bag or the cooler bag with breakfasts and lunches for the week or the Walmart bag with my dinners in it)
Everything goes into the cargo area of my trusty Josie – the 23 year old Jeep Cherokee Sport – a good old girl who is still pulling down 18-20 mpg, although she needs new tires and new suspension. And a new paint job.
Because it was a shitty end to the day, I decided that a trip to Michael’s was in order – because I have a baby blanket to crochet, which while easy enough is incredibly difficult. Another thing I’m usually OK with, but tonight it, on top of everything else, just makes me want to curl up into a tiny, tight ball and just be…hold it all in, keep it all together, because sometimes I’m afraid that if I start, it won’t stop. I know that’s not true. I know that we all have our moments and very few of them last forever. It just feels like it when you’re in the middle of it…and a breakdown is a luxury I can’t afford right now.
And then after the tears, I was at my home-away-from home, making two trips in to unload Josie, setting things down and rearranging, a stay at a homey, comfortable hotel, trying not to be too disorganized or messy. If nothing else, being away from home forces me to be neat and tidy.
Once everything was unloaded and arranged, it was time to decide on dinner. I’ve taken to bringing soup and crackers with me because they are cheap and easy and relatively healthy. It’s not fair to expect the family to feed me, so I either pick up something in town or I bring something with me. Bringing something with me is easier…and cheaper. And occasionally it brings its own entertainment. This evening I had to clean out the microwave after my steak and noodle soup exploded all over the interior. Good times.
Once dinner was finished, I started my crochet project. This baby, like his brother will be an LSU tiger, so his blanket is purple and gold. I did one in the baby versions of purple and gold, and it was just too delicate. So the bright, vibrant colors get used.
While I was crocheting this evening, happened to catch a glimpse of my foot and realized that I have an ugly splinter lodged in it. It is unfortunately in a place that I can’t quite get to easily with a needle, and it made me wish again I was home. SH is good at getting my splinters out…or the dog hairs. Did you know that a dog hair stuck in your foot is some of the worst pain you’ve ever felt? It’s true.
It hit me again – I want to be home. I’ve got 3.5 months to go, but I really, really want to be home. When I’m upset, I want to be with my husband. If there’s a splinter in my foot, I want him to remove it. I didn’t get married to continue being a strong, independent woman. But that’s where I find myself. Stuck. Tired. Emotional (but not hormonal).
I’ll be better tomorrow. Or maybe the next day. But tonight – tonight is just hard. The red velvet oreos and Mike’s mango punch will have to do the trick.