I haven’t been writing lately. I’ve had moments where I thought I should be writing, but I haven’t. There is little rattling around my head, but I have felt the need to say something. It’s like all those years ago when I would open my mouth to speak and I couldn’t make the words come out.
The last two nights I have been gripped by anxiety. It’s a terrible thing. For awhile I’m OK, and then it creeps up my back, around my neck and grabs my throat. My heart starts to beat faster, and I feel a little off-balance.
I’ve made appointments to see doctors in the next few weeks. I have an appointment with a candidate for a new general practitioner, although I’m nervous about him. A co-worker highly recommends him, and he comes well-regarded from the staff in our MA program…who work with doctors all the time. The person who answered the phone didn’t inspire a lot of confidence. Rude, abrupt, cantankerous.
Doctors make me nervous. I keep feeling like I’m back in that doctor’s office in Reno where the doctor told me my seizures were all in my head or one of the worst moments I’ve ever had in my life when she was attempting to “bond” I guess. Or the gynecologist who patted my hand and told me that I didn’t want an IUD and would change my mind about children…which I have, but I wasn’t asking her for a tubal.
I’m not sure that doctors know how vulnerable a patient is when he or she is sitting in the exam room. Going to see a doctor is really like exposing all your short-comings and poor habits and being judged for them. I know I’m overweight. I know I am likely to have issues with high blood pressure. Perhaps even diabetes. Heart disease. A number of other ailments that run in my family. Add in the needing to ask for help while you are being judged…is a terribly hard thing to do.
When I first went to Dr. Figa in Louisville and asked him for something for my anxiety because I was losing my hair and nauseous every day, he essentially told me I needed therapy. Which is entirely possible. I very well in fact need therapy. But I was in tears in the first place just asking for something to help me deal with it. It wasn’t the time for it .
So that will all be at work in just a few days. After that I have an appointment with the girlie doctor to begin to figure out why we aren’t having babies. And then the dermatologist so we and figure out what these things are on my back. And then to the dentist again. Somewhere in there needs to be a visit to an eye doctor.
Thees are all things I need to do. These are no things I want to do. But I suppose it’s part of being a grown up and working to be healthier.
I’ll try to write this weekend. I’ll be on my own and lonely and maybe if I just sit down and write, I’ll come up with something meaningful.