To continue on the theme of yesterday’s wishcasting post, some thoughts about love….
My thoughts about Valentine’s Day have evolved. It was always a very angsty thing for me when I was in school and you had to give out Valentines to everyone in the class…or you were supposed to give out Valentines to everyone in the class. Everyone is loved, but not everyone is loved. it was a terribly anxious time for me. And it got worse when I got to high school with all the girls and their flowers and balloons delivered to school. It reinforced the idea of being an outsider and not worthy enough.
I’m not sure when it changed for me, but I think it was probably around the time that my grandmother started sending me Valentine’s Day cards. I might not get another piece of mail from my grandmother all year long, but out of the blue, she started sending me Valentines. They were always sweet, and always signed “Love, your grandma Lois”.
Not that big of a deal, not terribly extravagant, but enough to change my perception of Valentine’s Day. Those years that I spent single? A little sad, but OK because I’d figured out that Valentines day didn’t have to be about romance; it could really be about love in it’s most basic idealization. It is the stuff of connection and letting people know that while you care about them all the time…on this one day of the year, you make a point to let them know. I used to send Valentine’s cards to my friends; I haven’t in a few years.
Today at work, one of the women that I worked with said that the point of having flowers delivered to work was getting them to show off. Perhaps because I didn’t get them when I was younger, and it’s only been in the last few years that someone has thought to get or send me flowers, I just stared at the woman open-mouthed. I thought that you got flowers or all those other trappings of romance because someone cared for you wanted wanted you..not everyone else, but you…to know it.
And that reminds me that it’s about remembering to express love and be grateful for its presence in your life at all times. I’m blessed with a husband who loves me beyond words, a family who supports me in whatever it is I choose to do, friends who would jump at a moments notice. At any given moment I am surrounded by so much love that it takes my breath away. And most of the time I don’t even pay it much notice. In the last couple of months while I’ve been undergoing fertility treatments, I haven’t been all that easy to love. I’ve been snappish and emotional, trying to hold it together but unfortunately taking it out on the people that I love and who love me the most.
Every day those people I love deserve to know that I love them. They deserve to be treated like I love them. Even when I’m difficult to love.