This has been a really long and draining day. I was pretty much useless after 11:00. I will be glad when this week is finally in the books because I think tomorrow is promising to be another difficult, draining day. I know I shouldn’t put that out there into the universe and “place” that on the day before it even gets started because I know that I do have the power to decide how I’m going to meet the day and react to what happens during it. But. There are difficult conversations to be had. So. Yeah.
The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about responsibility. When things go wrong, my first reaction is to get pissy and blame whatever it is on everything but myself. But one of the things I’ve learned is that I’m generally the common denominator in everything that happens to me, and if I want those things to stop happening to me, then I have to take a long, hard look at myself.
That level of introspection is difficult. It’s always uncomfortable to admit that you’re actually the problem. It’s easier to remain stuck by looking everywhere but at yourself. You save face by maintaining an external focus. But nothing changes if you don’t do that work.
It is incredibly hard. And I will be the first that I don’t really enjoy engaging in that level of reflection. Particularly when it shows me that I’m in the wrong. However, it gives me the opportunity to sleep at night (when I sleep) knowing what piece of things I own…and for me, that’s the important part.
I have to be able to take responsibility for myself. While it’s an often difficult, painful process, I find ultimately it makes life infinitely easier for me.