Today’s prompt comes from Living Deep Studio and isn’t a #reverb12 prompt so much but more like a different way of looking at the year.
During the past year I was thwarted by… -During the past year I was tested by…
Goodness. I think the easiest thing to say would be that I was thwarted AND tested by my job, but that is the easiest answer. It doesn’t really give me a lot of agency in the whole business. And while there was a lot of stuff over which I had control, I did play a rather large role in the whole mess that was my professional life in 2012.
And to be honest, when I dig a little deeper, when I go beyond the easy and obvious answer, the truth of the matter is that I was thwarted and tested by my own fear. I work a big game. When I’m in the middle of it with a student, I’m confident and on top of my game. I bluff my way through a lot of things. But I have often let fear rule my life, and fear is a constant companion in my life. You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but most of the time I’m a quaking puddle of near-panic. On the inside.
This past year, I let fear keep me in a completely and totally unhealthy situation. I was afraid of speaking up; I was afraid of asking questions; I was afraid of exposure. I was terrified of losing my job and of making my life even more difficult than it already was. There came a point, though, when I couldn’t worry about the fear anymore. The pressure was too great; the things I was being asked to do too wrong. It was at that point that I let go of that particular fear and started working on a completely different one.
I don’t want 2013 to be marked by fear. I want it to be memorable for a sense of fearlessness. I want to be brave. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Bravery. Fearlessness.