Today’s prompt comes from In the Storm.
What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2012? What happened when you did or didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)
It was really difficult to find something to write about tonight because all I can think about is what we are trying, so when I stumbled across this post about trying, it seemed perfect.
In 2013, we are trying to get pregnant. We would like to try being parents. We tried it in 2012, but nothing happened. Due to my age, after 6 months, I made the appointment to see the doctor to talk about infertility.
I am terrified that we missed our opportunity. When I lived in Louisville – three years ago – my doctor told me then that if I wanted to have a baby, it needed to be sooner rather than later. While I understand that time is relative, three years falls solidly into the “later” category.
It’s taken me a really long time to come around to the idea of wanting to have children. A really. long. time. I think on some levels, I’m still fairly ambivalent about the whole idea. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, I’ll be sad and disappointed – perhaps a little angry with myself for waiting, insisting on contraception, when I knew the clock was ticking. But I think I’ll be OK if it doesn’t happen.
I am not, though, so sure that my husband will be OK if we are unable to conceive. Do not get me wrong. He’s a great guy, and I have no doubt about how solid his love is. But he wants to be a Dad. And he would be a great Dad. If we don’t conceive, it’s going to be painful for him.
Right now, we’re taking the first steps on the path to medical intervention. Literally, today. I’m taking my first round of Clomid because, as far as I can tell, that is the easiest, least invasive way to begin eliminating potential problems. Not ovulating? Let’s try to force it. So I took the first pill today. My doctor warned me that it would be unpleasant. She said I’d feel pretty terrible while taking Clomid, and I already do. I had to take my contacts out because my eyes were irritated. I hurt. And I’m a bit on the nauseous side. Already.
I can’t quite tell if I’m feeling this way because I’ve read that’s what the side-effects are or if the side-effects are really kicking in. Already. I do know that I HAD to take my contacts out and all day my eyes have been watering and my vision has been blurry. I don’t know if my psyche is neurotic enough to have tricked me into that symptom. Did I mention that I’m exhausted? Because I am.
This morning while I was doing my morning pages, I wrote about visualizing this being successful. The medicine moving down my throat, dissolving and dispersing through my bloodstream, getting to the place where it needs to be, doing the work it needs to do, resulting in lovely eggs tumbling into the place they are supposed to be, waiting. I’m not at all sure that visualization is a technique that works, but it can’t hurt.
I foresee an early night tonight, which is odd in my experience. Before I head to bed, I’ll drink my herbal tincture because Ms Linda guarantees that her husband’s herbs will make my ovaries do their thing. I’m not desperate enough to try anything, but I’m also not above a shot glass of something that tastes like dirt. If it works.
As a friend who is going through the same thing said, my life now becomes ruled by two week increments. Two weeks until testing. Two weeks until we see if it worked. Until it works or for six months when we have to explore other, more invasive options. I’m not going to think about that because I’m putting it out there that this is going to work.