Today’s prompts for Reverb are complementary as I think about it.
From Kat McNally for Day 3:
It’s all too easy to put off loving where we are until everything is perfect. What can you love about where you are now?
Oh this hits home. For the last year I’ve been working away from home during the week and then coming home every weekend. I find myself living for those moments when I’m home and barely able to enjoy them because I know they will shortly be over. My life isn’t going to be changing any time soon – it’s looking like the end of May, and that’s OK.
The problem is that I can’t just live for the weekend. My new position is increasingly demanding and stressful. I can’t add to that a general disgust with with my situation. Where I am isn’t a place that I would have chosen for myself, but it’s also not a bad place to be. I’m surrounded by friends and family. There is so much I can be doing or taking advantage of.
But I’m not.
Here is a good place to be. I have work that can make a difference. I have family who loves and supports me. I have this community of creative people who support me. I’ve got wonderful friends who are some of the best people you will ever meet. I have a Sweet Husband who would do anything for me (like wear a CPAP machine that he hates). I live in a place where the weather is fabulous most of the time. I’ve got more than enough, and I’m so very thankful for all of it.
Sometimes, though, I want more, which keeps me from loving right where I am.
From Project Reverb:
Coulda woulda shoulda: What didn’t you do this year because you were too scared, afraid, unsure? Are you going to do it next year? Or maybe you don’t want to anymore?
To be honest, I think that my biggest regret – the biggest thing on my list – was not more aggressively applying for positions that would get me home. I put applications in. I wrote cover letters. And then I waited. I know that my situation is unique, and it is going to need to be the exact right place for me for them to decide to hire me. I didn’t do enough to convince places that I was a good fit for them.
…and I haven’t done enough to turn this place (my blog) into what I want it to be. Because I’m afraid of failure.
In this coming year, two things are clear: I need to make it home and I need to get serious about the creative thing that I enjoy most. I spend too much time spinning my wheels, wishing for something different. Not enough time actually doing it.
This year…again…for like the 10th year in a row, I didn’t go to the doctor to find out what is truly wrong with me. I know. Deep down, I know. My symptoms get worse and while they don’t necessarily happen more frequently, but it bothers me more. There are a couple of reasons why I don’t go – cost is a big one – what it all really boils down to is that I’m scared to death to finally put the name to it. Even when I know what the name is. The other piece of it is that I’ve had such terrible experiences with doctors. And while I know what is wrong with me, I’m afraid that again I’ll be told that there is nothing, that it’s all in my head (ha! get it? All in my head. Well…yes it is…but not imagined or made up). There is in the back of my mind the thought that we’ll go through this process, spend all this money and then still have no answer because that’s usually the way it goes.
And yes – I want it. I believe I’m finally at that point where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.