September 2011

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September 2011

September 28, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

I am a tad bit stressed out right now. Over things that are totally stupid and do not affect me anymore.

The scores on the last round of Kentucky Core Content Testing have been published. Unfortunately, the school where I spent the last three years did not make Adequate Yearly Progress (AYP...meaning they did not make as much progress as they needed to towards having all students proficient. If you don't know all about NCLB and AYP, I don't have the stomach to explain all of it to you). We had some impossible goals to meet, and while we tried to pump the students up and keep a brave face, I think everyone knew there was no way on earth we were going to get the gains that we needed to. While I don't have access to those numbers, reducing the number of novice students would have gotten the school to safe harbor. I don't know if they got the 10% reduction they needed, but in looking at the NCLB report card, that doesn't seem likely.

What could happen to the school and staff is heartbreaking. According to what we had been told, the next step is an audit. That involves examining the records of every teacher. Their lesson plans, their student work, their teaching. The results of an audit can recommend the removal of a principal and the restaffing of the school. I believe that the administration needs a change there. I think that the principal has a good heart. I think he believes in what he is doing and genuinely wants to improve the lives of the children in that building. I'm afraid, though, that he listens to someone who is unstable and knows just enough to be dangerous. Decisions get made that while on the surface look OK, when you scratch just a little deeper, pick at the edge just a tad, you find the purification that is ready to burst forth like an oozing sore.

There is no way to be excited about 33% of your students being able to read on or able grade level. That means that 2/3s of your students are behind. And yes, there should be consequences down the line...what is happening at elementary schools to help create the problem? (I've never understood why we talk about sanctions for middle and high schools but never really get into the nitty gritty of what's happening in elementary schools. That is neither here nor there) That's not something to celebrate. Saying that in three years, you've made a 10-20% improvement is nothing to be proud of. That means that you've moved at most 7% of students to what the tests deem as greater levels of proficiency. That is not OK. It's better than nothing, but if it was the school that our kids went to, we'd be livid. I get that we need small victories. But for the kids in those classrooms, they can't afford our small victories. They can't afford for us to be trying to save our jobs and reputations.

If we cannot keep the children at the center of it, we're already going down the wrong road. If we cannot stop worrying about the consequences for ourselves and start working about the consequences for the children involved, then we're in the wrong business. It's not about whether teachers get shuffled or principals lose their jobs. It's about the very future of our nation because without our eyes on that prize, we will have nothing to worry about eventually.

*sigh*

I suppose that's enough of a rant in that direction.

I think I'm going to be getting custom wedding invitations! By reading one of the 40-11-dozen wedding blogs that I do, I found out about an artist that is willing to do the design work for free--you pay the printing--if you allow her to use the eventual design in her portfolio. The prices are comparable to what it would cost to DIY them or order off of Vistaprint. I'm very excited. I had a brain fart about what might be awesome, and I really hope that she can put it together for me. That would rock!

September 27, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

My index fingers are killing me. I've spent the evening bending wire into little happies for my bridesmaids. After four attempts, I think I'm happy with Shannon's. That means that tomorrow I'll get Amber and Cari's done (I might need to go and get more wire). I should probably make one for myself, although I think it will be the most difficult one of them. I will need Matty to do a little magic with some drilling in order to complete them. I was thinking about making one for the Sner and Matt's momma. But I don't know that they would be as pretty for them.

I also need to order some more rhinestones. I've used all the little ones I have, and there are three envelopes of large ones left. I have 2.5 more letters to cover in sparkles. The letters that are left are kinda big. *sigh* Or intricate at least, which means more sparkles. I thought about just doubling my order, but I don't think that's going to work. *sigh*

Wedding projects continue apace. I ordered Save the Date postcards tonight. They should be delivered in a week or so, which means I can begin the tedious process of addressing them and getting them in the mail. Tomorrow I'm going to finish the pretty projects and hopefully get the bouquets done. I swear that the invitations will be done by the end of this week. That way next week I can begin the process of playing around with who I want them to be printed.

As I work on these things, I begin to think...hey, I might could make a living at this. I am pretty sure that I'm going to try to make clutch purses for the bridesmaids and the female family members. Here's the thing...I think they can be made for less than $10. One of the sites I saw online today was selling them for $60-90. I was thinking of pricing them at $20-25 if I were to make them. It astonishes me that people are willing to pay that much money for things that really don't cost that much. However...I'm willing to take advantage of people if they're willing to be parted from their money. I mean, I could throw up an etsy shop. Or I could ship them off to my Sner to be sold with her quilts at craft shows.

These are the things that I think about while unemployed. yes, I've applied for jobs. I got a letter from MPB on Saturday saying that they had received my application and it would be a 6-8 weeks project. My application has been passed along to a couple of different agencies. I haven't heard more than that. I suppose it's OK. Money will take care of itself eventually. In the meantime, I can hatch schemes to make money. Like becoming a crafter. I think I could really make some money if I got into jewelry making. That, though, doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I suppose if I looked at it long enough, figured out enough hot to get some of those fabulous necklaces completed, it would make sense. Right now, though, I'm content to just be puzzled about it.

September 24, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

I've come to a hard realization tonight: Life is the same regardless of where you are because *you* are there. You bring your shit with you to the party. Minus a stressful job, my life is the same here as it was there. And I don't know how I feel about that.

I've spent today sewing. Yeah, it surprises me too. I suppose that it has come out OK. I have to finish it up in the morning by creating darts at the breasts. It's a little too poofy right there, so I'll fix it. I still can't sew a straight line to save my soul, but I suppose that's OK. I'll get better at it. Maybe. Depending on how things go tomorrow, I might tackle my linen tunic that desperately needs to be taken in. Maybe.

I've been stuck in a loop of watching Gangland. Every time I think that I've watched them, one will pop up, and then, of course, I have to watch it. For some reason I need to know about America's gang culture. I must know. So I watch. The thing that strikes me about all of them, regardless of what gang and in which part of the country, the emotional age of gangsters seems stuck somewhere in middle school. Some of them are terribly smart, and I've no doubt intelligent on some levels, perhaps even on the level that I value most. But for these people, is all about disrespect. Whatever disrespect means, it can be the trigger for murder. Words said wrong, wrong dance move, insulting smirk. Whatever. Stuff that we're supposed to have learned to shake off because really...it's stupid. Thousands of people, though, fall for it. There are thousands of young men and women who are caught up in that being the worst thing than can possibly happen.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the gut reaction of being disrespected. Angry. Hurt. Perhaps a little sick to the stomach. But because I'm an adult with logical reasoning ability and some emotional maturity (perhaps not a lot, but a little), I can chew on it and be pissy about it, but that doesn't mean that people ned to die. I mean, really...what the fuck?

And the lack of creativity. Good grief. If you're gonna be a badass, don't be the same badass that every other thug in the country happens to be. Figure something new out. Be original. There's one gang in NYC/Jersey that used machetes to strike fear into the heart of folks. OK. That I could see as being a bit frightening. Props to them for that.

September 22, 2011

Late Night Update

Today I worked on wedding projects. I started on my bouquet around 11 and the next time I looked up, it was 2. I'm not sure how that happened. I was hot gluing and super gluing and all of these other things, coating my fingers with glue. It's a pain in the ass. I suppose the good thing is that I'm almost done with the bouquet. I need to keep looking for the cover for the bottom of the thing, and I need to go buy some wide ribbon (5" if not wider) to make a better collar for the thing. I also got rhinestones applied to the "A" for on top of the cheesecake. I still have to put rhinestones to the "We Do" that will go on the gift table. I do not have enough rhinestones. I will have to order a ton more because I cannot buy them locally. I'll finish up what I have here tomorrow and place that order to get more in next week.

After I do that tomorrow morning, I'll get to work on sewing my shirt. I had hoped to get to it today, but apparently it takes me longer to get things done than I anticipate. My goal, though is to get it done for tomorrow so I can wear it on Saturday. Even though it's a baseball shirt, and we will be watching football. I hope it turns out well. If I screw it up, that will suck.

I also need to make the PA some chicken soup. He is still sick and not feeling well. I suppose that the truth be told, i could use a little of it myself. Still not feeling well. I guess I'm going to make the Paula Deen version since it is particularly good. I don't have any sherry, and I'm not going to worry about making a substitution for it. I won't get to put onions or mushrooms in it either. I don't mind not using the celery.

Besides that, I've really got to get going on the invitations. I need to finish them up. I'm kinda thinking that I want to go in a completely different direction than what I've been playing with. perhaps something a little more modern and contemporary. I see things on the websites that I frequent, and I think, oh! I want that! But I don't want to pay for it, and I am not at all talented enough to be able to create it myself. I suppose I don't know that for sure. I just need to play around with it a little bit. If I'm custom-designing an invitation, I can go whole-hog, can't I? I don't have to stick with some version of the standard, do I? Although since I was thinking about it, I just wandered through almost 700 wedding invitations on wedding paper divas and several other "alt" vendors and wasn't blown away by any of them. I suppose that means if I want to something, I'm going to have to do it myself. The problem is that there's so much that I don't know how to do.

I spent awhile this evening watching Monster Quest, which tonight happened to be about Daniel Boone's monster. The Kentucky Hillbilly monster. They talked about a bigfoot like creature. An older man talked about an encounter with tears in his eyes. Another talked about being trapped in his van while the thing rocked it back and forth. The did audio tests and found "unknown vocalizations". To be honest, it scared the bejeezus out of me. I used to camp in those areas by myself. I don't necessarily believe that there is a monster out there in the woods, but it can be a little frightening. Things go bump in the night and when the light doesn't extend past your lantern, it's easy to imagine all sorts of things that are lurking just beyond your sight.

September 21, 2011

Late Night Update

Today has been a tizzy of indecision. I got an email yesterday afternoon about job openings in the Hattiesburg school district. Two of the jobs are ones that I interviewed for and was passed over. Another asks for the specific endorsements that I have. I've spent the day trying to figure out if I was going to call HR to ask them to put my application into consideration for the jobs. In talking with my girlfriends today, I realized a couple of things.

If Hattiesburg were interested in hiring me, they would have called. I'm in their system and applications are active for a year. When they have vacancies, they query their applicant pool, looking for candidates who have the qualifications they need. They know about me. They are aware. They might not remember me, but I pop up when in their query results, they don't have to remember me; they are reminded. On top of that, my counselor at USM was the one who sent me the message, has talked to HR at Hattiesburg about me before. I was in the office. I was told to expect a call to interview for positions that were available the week before school started. The call never came. All of that means that if they wanted me, or were interested in me, they would have called me. They haven't.

I really, really don't know if I want to deal with the headache and tedium that is teaching. Outside consultants, canned programs, doing what I'm told versus what I know is best. I told Shannon that I can do anything for awhile. That's true. I was miserable in a job for three years when i was away from my family. I can miserable here with my family and the people who love me. Particularly for the kind of money I would make. But it's not what I want to do.

I don't know what I want to do instead. I have to figure that out.

In the meantime, I just applied for another job with the department of education. That will be four jobs I've applied for with the state. On Monday I received an email from one of them saying that it had been determined that I'd met the qualifications for the first one of them and my information had been passed along to the hiring agency. So. Maybe I'll hear back from one of them. Or maybe I won't.

My poor Pooh is not well. It started for him on Monday. He came home with a sore throat. Last night we were thinking it is allergies because allergies are supposed to be terribly bad this year, particularly in Mississippi. He's never had allergies before, but neither has his mom and she has allergies this year. Tonight he came home with Nyquil and a ton of other things to help him feel better. He was in the bed asleep before 5. Poor thing. I am beginning to feel like perhaps the headache I'v been battling the last couple of days isn't just an allergy headache. I keep thinking that the tickle I'm getting in my throat is drainage, but it is possible that I am getting whatever the PA has. Taht would kind of suck a lot.

I was planning to get to work tomorrow on another couple of craft projects, and then I remembered that I have a couple of craft projects that I need to get finished before I think about taking on another one. That means that my bouquet is going to get as done as it can tomorrow. I still need something to put on the bottom of it, but I can get the rest of the brooches put into it, make the ribbon collar for the bottom of the brooches and wrap the handle. Then I can move on to the bridesmaids' bouquets. I've been putting them off because I am not an arranger of things. I was hoping that I could get Beth to help me with that, but I haven't asked. Maybe I will ask her if she'll help me with that this weekend. Then I need to attach the rhinestone to some letters. And make a little thing for my best friends. THEN I can work on making some other little things for my best friends. Which means I probably won't get to the other little things until the weekend.

Tomorrow I am also planning to customize an over-sized t-shirt. Beth got me a MS State baseball shirt, but it's a 2X. Mens. Waaaaay too big. So I'm going to line it up with a t-shirt I like that fits. Do some measuring, marking, pinning, and cutting. Hopefully by the time I'm done, I won't have ruined the thing. It looks easy enough. The problem is that I can't sew a straight line to save my soul. So. I guess that means that I should practice on a different shirt, but I can always remove the stitches and re-do.

I should go to bed. It's actually the 20th now. Even though I have been up all day, I am not particularly tired right now. The only thing attractive about sleep right now is that if I am asleep, I won't be able to feel how badly my head hurts.

September 19, 2011

Late Night Update

I've spent the day trying to get my things taken care of. Paying bills, setting up bank accounts, trying to get myself organized. I also went and got part of the PA's birthday pressie. Tomorrow is his day. I'm gonna bake him a strawberry cake. I hate cake, but I'm willing to take one for the team and bake him a cake.

I just had a revelation. For a long time I've had this problem with choking. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what I'm eating or drinking at the time. Sometimes in fact, there's nothing for me to choke on. It feels like there's a big knot about 4 inches below the hollow of my throat. It's hard to breathe and I feel like I'm suffocating. I was talking to Grandma this evening, and I was listening to her struggle. She coughs, has trouble swallowing. She told me that she has breakfast in her room because she doesn't think that other people want to hear her struggle with her throat. I think whatever is going on with my throat is the same thing that's going on with her throat. Apparently my Sner has the same problem going on. Some hereditary problem with the muscles in our throats. Or something.

I've been a little out of sorts the last couple of weeks. I've been a little stressed. I can feel it building up along with the depression. I've applied for a couple of jobs the last week or so. I'm looking each day, but there's not much. Not being a wage-earner is hard on my psyche. It's not like it was when I was going to school full-time. There was purpose and reason in my unemployment. This is just because I can't find a job. I can probably take a job, any job. But I'm worried about how that then looks when I try to find a professional job again. How does it look when I'm working at Wal-Mart? A paycheck is a paycheck, and I'm not sure that a lesser-job is better than a long string of unemployment. But. Good lord.

Something has to give, though. I am irritable and easily upset. Things that shouldn't be bothering me are bothering me terribly. I'm not sure what it's all about, but I need to figure out how to get it under control. I cannot be a bitch to everyone around me without them beginning to get as pissy with me as I am with them.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I need to start running again. And I have to bake a cake and pull together my vision of the last part of the PA's birthday pressie. And I need to put together some lumpy mail for a couple of people. Plus there's my laundry and other things on my to-do list that I didn't get done today. I also might like to get out and take some pictures, trying to remember all of the things that I learned at my workshop.

Speaking of which...I had a great time at my photography workshop in New Orleans. I feel like I learned so much! I'm still, though, feeling my way as I go. My instructor told me that after 10,000 pictures, you're considered "good". Including the photos I took at my workshop, I've probably managed 300. One of the things that the instructor and I talked about was the fact that I hadn't bought a DSLR when I got a new camera this spring. I went with a "hybrid" or bridge camera. I told him that while I think that I get some good...maybe even fantastic pictures...with my point and shoot, but I really don't know WHY I get those pictures. I didn't want to spend $1000 on a camera and still just get some good pictures every now and again by accident. Before I spend that kind of money on a camera, I want to have the mechanics down.

My instructor said that was a really smart idea, and that most people do the exact opposite. I know that to be true. People even open up photography companies thinking that just because they have a good camera and maybe get some decent pictures now and again that they are a photographer. I was following a friend's daughter on facebook, looking at pictures that people paid her to take, and I kept thinking...these are bad. I wouldn't have paid for these; I would have been embarrassed to charge someone for these. I need a ton more classes before I feel like I'm ready to really get into the groove. The problem is, I have no idea where I can take those classes. The classes at USM and the local community colleges are always full with a waiting list. There's not like an independent photography school around here, although I'm thinking about maybe some online courses...doing a little investigation there. Not that I think I'm ever going to be able to be "photographer" but I might be able to make a little money with say an etsy site or something. I've seen some terrible pictures that sell at craft festivals and such; I could do better than that. Not that I'm trying to find ways to make money (I am, but photography is way down the list). It's just a thought I have in my head...plus I want to get better at it so I can justify the cost of a DSLR. *grin*

September 18, 2011

Late Night Update

It rained today, which was just fine because it matches my mood. I think I woke up under a cloud and it just got worse from there. I had plans for it to be a good day. But it just wasn't.

Still don't know about a job. I've got to figure out something for myself because right this minute, I know that it is contributing to my stress. It won't around October 5th or so, but right now, I can just feel the stress creeping up from my shoulders, into the back of my neck and over the top of my head, settling deep into the tissue and bones, creating a weight that dogs my every step.

September 12, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

For the first time since I've come home, I really feel hopeless. I didn't feel it when I didn't get the jobs...even when I was sure that the one was mine. For some reason, now, today--technically tonight--I feel it. I was laying in bed with the PA when he rolled over and said to me, "I'm so glad you're here. I'm glad you're home." And I said I was glad too.

But I started to think...if I hadn't come home, I'd be in bed, trying to prepare myself for heading to work the next day. It would be hellish at Olmsted because I wouldn't be there in the job I had been hired to do; I was being pushed out and into something else, which I suppose would be OK. It would be extremely stressful because life at Olmsted is evolving into that. They won't make AYP this year; the administration will be replaced after the results of an audit come about. Everyone there will be doing their damnedest to save their jobs...everything, that is, except what is the very best for students. And I would be miserable. Far from the people I love and who love me in return. But I would be employed. Money would probably still be tight, but I'd have a job, I'd be supporting myself, and I'd feel worth something.

Matt could have come to be with me. He finds jobs easily. But it would have taken him away from all of this...his family, his friends, his life. He says he is willing to do that. He is. He has said that he is willing to go wherever we need to in order to get me settled. The problem becomes, what about this life that we've got here? What happens to Granny? And his parents? And what about when we have children?

I don't feel like I've made a mistake in coming home. I'd be killing myself slowly if I'd stayed in Kentucky. But I feel...hopeless. I know part of it is this whole hormonal swing with my cycle; part of it is that I'm currently extremely stressed about money; part of it is that I have a tooth that hurts (either a filling replaced or a root canal...which means pulling it); part of it is the melancholy nature of these days. I'm feeling it, though, and I don't quite know how to get out of this funk.

The PA told me tonight that he prayed for me, and that he believes everything will work out right. Everyone tells me that it will be OK in the end, and if it's not OK, it's not the end. I believe that everything happens exactly the way it is supposed to. But I am struggling with trying to figure out exactly I'm supposed to do next. Where I'm supposed to go. What path I'm supposed to be on. I believe that this is my call to leave public K-12 education, but for what? Where do I go now? What do I do next?

I am a planner by nature. I do not adjust well to uncertainty. This is crushing me.

September 6, 2011

Evening Update

I was a machine this morning and during the early afternoon. I was ticking things off of my to-do list like it was no body's business. I even got around to making my new dental mold that I've had for a month or so. I did all of my laundry, and I cleaned the couch and the shower. The things I did not get done included all of those things that pertained to writing and a job.

I know why...if I don't actually do it, then I can't get it, which means I don't face rejection. I want something...particularly a job...but I don't want to get my hopes up and be rejected again. I know all the stuff about nothing ventured, nothing gained. I just have to make up my mind to actually do it.

There are a few things on my to-do list for tomorrow, and I'm hoping to get them all done by noon. That leaves me the rest of the day to really focus on writing and emails and all of those things that go into submitting a writing sample.

I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. I am often consumed by fear, but I manage to bluff my way through it. it's a nice trick that I've taught myself over the years because there are times when you absolutely cannot fall apart or let fear rule your life. I put on a brave face and march on because that's the only option.

That's all I have on tap tonight. Too tired because I haven't been sleeping.

September 5, 2011

Evening Update

The other morning when I couldn't sleep I spent a ton of time writing here...scribbling thoughts really...and for some reason the program closed. How very, very frustrating to have lost all of that work.

I couldn't sleep last night either. Seems to be happening more and more to me. Last night I was walking down memory lane, and of course, because it is me, I wasn't remembering the good times. I was particularly fixated on one moment in my history. I know when it happened I talked about it here.

I think that it was the single most offensive thing that a man has ever done to me, and when you're a plus-sized woman, the list of offensive things that men (and women frankly because we are so incredibly difficult to each other) have done to you can be quite long. I think it was so terrible because it was deliberately personal. A lot of the shit that gets said about women is vicious but it's generic. It can strike at the heart of you, but it's not about you really. That other person could have substituted any other person and said the exact same thing and had it not matter to them. They were offensive and mean because they could be; you just happened to be the one who was there for a minute. You were convenient. Sad but true. Wrong place, wrong time.

But this offensive thing was exactly what the guy thought of me. It was totally and completely about me. I'll give it to him that he was probably high when he and his friend thought it up, and I'm probably partially to blame for having entered into a casual, sexual relationship. Outside of that whole hooking-up-thing, though, I don't know that I ever gave off that kind of vibe, and while I get that hooking-up can lead people to think a lot of different things about you, we had plenty of contact outside of that.

I remember feeling sick to my stomach when I realized what exactly the point of the visit was. I also remember feeling furious and not sure what to do. I laughed things off, played it off, got them another glass of wine, and eventually sent them on their way. The odd thing, though, is that I felt the need to not just throw them out. It was that offensive. Why could I not just say, no...and you need to leave. Now. Because that's what I remember thinking: how in the hell do I get myself out of this?

There wasn't anything for me to get myself out of, though. It was them who should have been ashamed.

I don't know why I particularly thought about that last night, but I did. It just wouldn't go away. I have that problem. My mind gets stuck in a loop and I endlessly replay scenarios. It doesn't help that I have a memory like a steel-trap when it comes to those kinds of things (although I can't remember to call my grandmother...what's up with THAT?), and I remember every word that was said. It makes it particularly excruciating.

Tonight that situation is over and done. I'm only thinking about it now in the retelling. The needle isn't stuck, and I'm ready to put that incident away again for a very long time, but last night it was killing me. I felt that same sense of sickness and anger all over again.

September 2, 2011

Evening Update

There is a storm brewing in the Gulf. It won't be a hurricane by the time it gets here; just a tropical storm. Still, though, they are talking about 10-15" of rain here in Hattiesburg. I was thinking about sweeping and shocking the pool tomorrow so I could enjoy it this long weekend, but if the rain starts to come in, there won't be much use in that. I was looking forward to spending this long weekend next to the pool with my books and magazines, getting a bit more color in my pale skin. I don't think that will happen now.

I am struggling with restless leg syndrome. Monday night it kept me from sleeping most of the night. Last night it woke me up at 2 and kept me awake for quite awhile. It's been bothering me all day today. It feels like there are things crawling around under my skin...like my calves are in motion but I am not. It's crazy-making. I guess I need to take another iron supplement and advil. See if that helps it any. Itching and restless leg. I'm a mess, aren't I?

I've really got to get myself together. I haven't been sleeping at night so I'm useless during the day. I've got to go borrow Tony's cordless drill so I can get the bridesmaids bouquets done. I also need to go by the storage unit and dig a few things out of there as well. There are all kinds of things that you don't think you'll miss until you actually miss. Like my cheese knife. I miss my cheese knife. Actually I miss my knives period. My bread knife, my paring knife. My knives. Not that I want to kill anyone. I just miss my things.

There was a possibility that Matt and I were going to go to Birmingham this weekend to take engagement photos. That gave me a moment or two of panic because I am no where near being ready to have engagement photos taken. I need my hair done (it was done mid-June...I've got a ton of growth. I suppose that since I'm not going to be swimming this weekend, I could make my way to Sally's and get some dye to take care of that little problem). I need new make-up because I've gotten a little tan over the weekend, which means that what I'm currently wearing is a tad too pale for pictures, combined with that whole mineral make-up does not photograph well. And clothes. What to wear to an engagement photo shoot? I calmed down a little when I gave myself a minute to think about it. I could wear my peach blouse with black top-stitching and some black or gray capris. Black heels. I could also wear a black dress. One of the three that I have. I could also wear jeans and a MS state shirt for something a little more casual. That, I think, is easily taken care of. Those other things like hair and make-up, not so much so. I'm grateful for the tropical storm coming in because that means that rain will make engagement photos less than desirable. The problem now becomes trying to find some other time to get them taken. Football season has started and y'all know what that means.

I'm ready for some camping...a little time in nature to figure myself out. How about you?

Last Updated October 2, 2011

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September 28, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

I am a tad bit stressed out right now. Over things that are totally stupid and do not affect me anymore.

The scores on the last round of Kentucky Core Content Testing have been published. Unfortunately, the school where I spent the last three years did not make Adequate Yearly Progress (AYP...meaning they did not make as much progress as they needed to towards having all students proficient. If you don't know all about NCLB and AYP, I don't have the stomach to explain all of it to you). We had some impossible goals to meet, and while we tried to pump the students up and keep a brave face, I think everyone knew there was no way on earth we were going to get the gains that we needed to. While I don't have access to those numbers, reducing the number of novice students would have gotten the school to safe harbor. I don't know if they got the 10% reduction they needed, but in looking at the NCLB report card, that doesn't seem likely.

What could happen to the school and staff is heartbreaking. According to what we had been told, the next step is an audit. That involves examining the records of every teacher. Their lesson plans, their student work, their teaching. The results of an audit can recommend the removal of a principal and the restaffing of the school. I believe that the administration needs a change there. I think that the principal has a good heart. I think he believes in what he is doing and genuinely wants to improve the lives of the children in that building. I'm afraid, though, that he listens to someone who is unstable and knows just enough to be dangerous. Decisions get made that while on the surface look OK, when you scratch just a little deeper, pick at the edge just a tad, you find the purification that is ready to burst forth like an oozing sore.

There is no way to be excited about 33% of your students being able to read on or able grade level. That means that 2/3s of your students are behind. And yes, there should be consequences down the line...what is happening at elementary schools to help create the problem? (I've never understood why we talk about sanctions for middle and high schools but never really get into the nitty gritty of what's happening in elementary schools. That is neither here nor there) That's not something to celebrate. Saying that in three years, you've made a 10-20% improvement is nothing to be proud of. That means that you've moved at most 7% of students to what the tests deem as greater levels of proficiency. That is not OK. It's better than nothing, but if it was the school that our kids went to, we'd be livid. I get that we need small victories. But for the kids in those classrooms, they can't afford our small victories. They can't afford for us to be trying to save our jobs and reputations.

If we cannot keep the children at the center of it, we're already going down the wrong road. If we cannot stop worrying about the consequences for ourselves and start working about the consequences for the children involved, then we're in the wrong business. It's not about whether teachers get shuffled or principals lose their jobs. It's about the very future of our nation because without our eyes on that prize, we will have nothing to worry about eventually.

*sigh*

I suppose that's enough of a rant in that direction.

I think I'm going to be getting custom wedding invitations! By reading one of the 40-11-dozen wedding blogs that I do, I found out about an artist that is willing to do the design work for free--you pay the printing--if you allow her to use the eventual design in her portfolio. The prices are comparable to what it would cost to DIY them or order off of Vistaprint. I'm very excited. I had a brain fart about what might be awesome, and I really hope that she can put it together for me. That would rock!

September 27, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

My index fingers are killing me. I've spent the evening bending wire into little happies for my bridesmaids. After four attempts, I think I'm happy with Shannon's. That means that tomorrow I'll get Amber and Cari's done (I might need to go and get more wire). I should probably make one for myself, although I think it will be the most difficult one of them. I will need Matty to do a little magic with some drilling in order to complete them. I was thinking about making one for the Sner and Matt's momma. But I don't know that they would be as pretty for them.

I also need to order some more rhinestones. I've used all the little ones I have, and there are three envelopes of large ones left. I have 2.5 more letters to cover in sparkles. The letters that are left are kinda big. *sigh* Or intricate at least, which means more sparkles. I thought about just doubling my order, but I don't think that's going to work. *sigh*

Wedding projects continue apace. I ordered Save the Date postcards tonight. They should be delivered in a week or so, which means I can begin the tedious process of addressing them and getting them in the mail. Tomorrow I'm going to finish the pretty projects and hopefully get the bouquets done. I swear that the invitations will be done by the end of this week. That way next week I can begin the process of playing around with who I want them to be printed.

As I work on these things, I begin to think...hey, I might could make a living at this. I am pretty sure that I'm going to try to make clutch purses for the bridesmaids and the female family members. Here's the thing...I think they can be made for less than $10. One of the sites I saw online today was selling them for $60-90. I was thinking of pricing them at $20-25 if I were to make them. It astonishes me that people are willing to pay that much money for things that really don't cost that much. However...I'm willing to take advantage of people if they're willing to be parted from their money. I mean, I could throw up an etsy shop. Or I could ship them off to my Sner to be sold with her quilts at craft shows.

These are the things that I think about while unemployed. yes, I've applied for jobs. I got a letter from MPB on Saturday saying that they had received my application and it would be a 6-8 weeks project. My application has been passed along to a couple of different agencies. I haven't heard more than that. I suppose it's OK. Money will take care of itself eventually. In the meantime, I can hatch schemes to make money. Like becoming a crafter. I think I could really make some money if I got into jewelry making. That, though, doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I suppose if I looked at it long enough, figured out enough hot to get some of those fabulous necklaces completed, it would make sense. Right now, though, I'm content to just be puzzled about it.

September 24, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

I've come to a hard realization tonight: Life is the same regardless of where you are because *you* are there. You bring your shit with you to the party. Minus a stressful job, my life is the same here as it was there. And I don't know how I feel about that.

I've spent today sewing. Yeah, it surprises me too. I suppose that it has come out OK. I have to finish it up in the morning by creating darts at the breasts. It's a little too poofy right there, so I'll fix it. I still can't sew a straight line to save my soul, but I suppose that's OK. I'll get better at it. Maybe. Depending on how things go tomorrow, I might tackle my linen tunic that desperately needs to be taken in. Maybe.

I've been stuck in a loop of watching Gangland. Every time I think that I've watched them, one will pop up, and then, of course, I have to watch it. For some reason I need to know about America's gang culture. I must know. So I watch. The thing that strikes me about all of them, regardless of what gang and in which part of the country, the emotional age of gangsters seems stuck somewhere in middle school. Some of them are terribly smart, and I've no doubt intelligent on some levels, perhaps even on the level that I value most. But for these people, is all about disrespect. Whatever disrespect means, it can be the trigger for murder. Words said wrong, wrong dance move, insulting smirk. Whatever. Stuff that we're supposed to have learned to shake off because really...it's stupid. Thousands of people, though, fall for it. There are thousands of young men and women who are caught up in that being the worst thing than can possibly happen.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the gut reaction of being disrespected. Angry. Hurt. Perhaps a little sick to the stomach. But because I'm an adult with logical reasoning ability and some emotional maturity (perhaps not a lot, but a little), I can chew on it and be pissy about it, but that doesn't mean that people ned to die. I mean, really...what the fuck?

And the lack of creativity. Good grief. If you're gonna be a badass, don't be the same badass that every other thug in the country happens to be. Figure something new out. Be original. There's one gang in NYC/Jersey that used machetes to strike fear into the heart of folks. OK. That I could see as being a bit frightening. Props to them for that.

September 22, 2011

Late Night Update

Today I worked on wedding projects. I started on my bouquet around 11 and the next time I looked up, it was 2. I'm not sure how that happened. I was hot gluing and super gluing and all of these other things, coating my fingers with glue. It's a pain in the ass. I suppose the good thing is that I'm almost done with the bouquet. I need to keep looking for the cover for the bottom of the thing, and I need to go buy some wide ribbon (5" if not wider) to make a better collar for the thing. I also got rhinestones applied to the "A" for on top of the cheesecake. I still have to put rhinestones to the "We Do" that will go on the gift table. I do not have enough rhinestones. I will have to order a ton more because I cannot buy them locally. I'll finish up what I have here tomorrow and place that order to get more in next week.

After I do that tomorrow morning, I'll get to work on sewing my shirt. I had hoped to get to it today, but apparently it takes me longer to get things done than I anticipate. My goal, though is to get it done for tomorrow so I can wear it on Saturday. Even though it's a baseball shirt, and we will be watching football. I hope it turns out well. If I screw it up, that will suck.

I also need to make the PA some chicken soup. He is still sick and not feeling well. I suppose that the truth be told, i could use a little of it myself. Still not feeling well. I guess I'm going to make the Paula Deen version since it is particularly good. I don't have any sherry, and I'm not going to worry about making a substitution for it. I won't get to put onions or mushrooms in it either. I don't mind not using the celery.

Besides that, I've really got to get going on the invitations. I need to finish them up. I'm kinda thinking that I want to go in a completely different direction than what I've been playing with. perhaps something a little more modern and contemporary. I see things on the websites that I frequent, and I think, oh! I want that! But I don't want to pay for it, and I am not at all talented enough to be able to create it myself. I suppose I don't know that for sure. I just need to play around with it a little bit. If I'm custom-designing an invitation, I can go whole-hog, can't I? I don't have to stick with some version of the standard, do I? Although since I was thinking about it, I just wandered through almost 700 wedding invitations on wedding paper divas and several other "alt" vendors and wasn't blown away by any of them. I suppose that means if I want to something, I'm going to have to do it myself. The problem is that there's so much that I don't know how to do.

I spent awhile this evening watching Monster Quest, which tonight happened to be about Daniel Boone's monster. The Kentucky Hillbilly monster. They talked about a bigfoot like creature. An older man talked about an encounter with tears in his eyes. Another talked about being trapped in his van while the thing rocked it back and forth. The did audio tests and found "unknown vocalizations". To be honest, it scared the bejeezus out of me. I used to camp in those areas by myself. I don't necessarily believe that there is a monster out there in the woods, but it can be a little frightening. Things go bump in the night and when the light doesn't extend past your lantern, it's easy to imagine all sorts of things that are lurking just beyond your sight.

September 21, 2011

Late Night Update

Today has been a tizzy of indecision. I got an email yesterday afternoon about job openings in the Hattiesburg school district. Two of the jobs are ones that I interviewed for and was passed over. Another asks for the specific endorsements that I have. I've spent the day trying to figure out if I was going to call HR to ask them to put my application into consideration for the jobs. In talking with my girlfriends today, I realized a couple of things.

If Hattiesburg were interested in hiring me, they would have called. I'm in their system and applications are active for a year. When they have vacancies, they query their applicant pool, looking for candidates who have the qualifications they need. They know about me. They are aware. They might not remember me, but I pop up when in their query results, they don't have to remember me; they are reminded. On top of that, my counselor at USM was the one who sent me the message, has talked to HR at Hattiesburg about me before. I was in the office. I was told to expect a call to interview for positions that were available the week before school started. The call never came. All of that means that if they wanted me, or were interested in me, they would have called me. They haven't.
I really, really don't know if I want to deal with the headache and tedium that is teaching. Outside consultants, canned programs, doing what I'm told versus what I know is best. I told Shannon that I can do anything for awhile. That's true. I was miserable in a job for three years when i was away from my family. I can miserable here with my family and the people who love me. Particularly for the kind of money I would make. But it's not what I want to do.
I don't know what I want to do instead. I have to figure that out.

In the meantime, I just applied for another job with the department of education. That will be four jobs I've applied for with the state. On Monday I received an email from one of them saying that it had been determined that I'd met the qualifications for the first one of them and my information had been passed along to the hiring agency. So. Maybe I'll hear back from one of them. Or maybe I won't.

My poor Pooh is not well. It started for him on Monday. He came home with a sore throat. Last night we were thinking it is allergies because allergies are supposed to be terribly bad this year, particularly in Mississippi. He's never had allergies before, but neither has his mom and she has allergies this year. Tonight he came home with Nyquil and a ton of other things to help him feel better. He was in the bed asleep before 5. Poor thing. I am beginning to feel like perhaps the headache I'v been battling the last couple of days isn't just an allergy headache. I keep thinking that the tickle I'm getting in my throat is drainage, but it is possible that I am getting whatever the PA has. Taht would kind of suck a lot.

I was planning to get to work tomorrow on another couple of craft projects, and then I remembered that I have a couple of craft projects that I need to get finished before I think about taking on another one. That means that my bouquet is going to get as done as it can tomorrow. I still need something to put on the bottom of it, but I can get the rest of the brooches put into it, make the ribbon collar for the bottom of the brooches and wrap the handle. Then I can move on to the bridesmaids' bouquets. I've been putting them off because I am not an arranger of things. I was hoping that I could get Beth to help me with that, but I haven't asked. Maybe I will ask her if she'll help me with that this weekend. Then I need to attach the rhinestone to some letters. And make a little thing for my best friends. THEN I can work on making some other little things for my best friends. Which means I probably won't get to the other little things until the weekend.

Tomorrow I am also planning to customize an over-sized t-shirt. Beth got me a MS State baseball shirt, but it's a 2X. Mens. Waaaaay too big. So I'm going to line it up with a t-shirt I like that fits. Do some measuring, marking, pinning, and cutting. Hopefully by the time I'm done, I won't have ruined the thing. It looks easy enough. The problem is that I can't sew a straight line to save my soul. So. I guess that means that I should practice on a different shirt, but I can always remove the stitches and re-do.

I should go to bed. It's actually the 20th now. Even though I have been up all day, I am not particularly tired right now. The only thing attractive about sleep right now is that if I am asleep, I won't be able to feel how badly my head hurts.

September 19, 2011

Late Night Update

I've spent the day trying to get my things taken care of. Paying bills, setting up bank accounts, trying to get myself organized. I also went and got part of the PA's birthday pressie. Tomorrow is his day. I'm gonna bake him a strawberry cake. I hate cake, but I'm willing to take one for the team and bake him a cake.

I just had a revelation. For a long time I've had this problem with choking. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what I'm eating or drinking at the time. Sometimes in fact, there's nothing for me to choke on. It feels like there's a big knot about 4 inches below the hollow of my throat. It's hard to breathe and I feel like I'm suffocating. I was talking to Grandma this evening, and I was listening to her struggle. She coughs, has trouble swallowing. She told me that she has breakfast in her room because she doesn't think that other people want to hear her struggle with her throat. I think whatever is going on with my throat is the same thing that's going on with her throat. Apparently my Sner has the same problem going on. Some hereditary problem with the muscles in our throats. Or something.

I've been a little out of sorts the last couple of weeks. I've been a little stressed. I can feel it building up along with the depression. I've applied for a couple of jobs the last week or so. I'm looking each day, but there's not much. Not being a wage-earner is hard on my psyche. It's not like it was when I was going to school full-time. There was purpose and reason in my unemployment. This is just because I can't find a job. I can probably take a job, any job. But I'm worried about how that then looks when I try to find a professional job again. How does it look when I'm working at Wal-Mart? A paycheck is a paycheck, and I'm not sure that a lesser-job is better than a long string of unemployment. But. Good lord.

Something has to give, though. I am irritable and easily upset. Things that shouldn't be bothering me are bothering me terribly. I'm not sure what it's all about, but I need to figure out how to get it under control. I cannot be a bitch to everyone around me without them beginning to get as pissy with me as I am with them.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I need to start running again. And I have to bake a cake and pull together my vision of the last part of the PA's birthday pressie. And I need to put together some lumpy mail for a couple of people. Plus there's my laundry and other things on my to-do list that I didn't get done today. I also might like to get out and take some pictures, trying to remember all of the things that I learned at my workshop.

Speaking of which...I had a great time at my photography workshop in New Orleans. I feel like I learned so much! I'm still, though, feeling my way as I go. My instructor told me that after 10,000 pictures, you're considered "good". Including the photos I took at my workshop, I've probably managed 300. One of the things that the instructor and I talked about was the fact that I hadn't bought a DSLR when I got a new camera this spring. I went with a "hybrid" or bridge camera. I told him that while I think that I get some good...maybe even fantastic pictures...with my point and shoot, but I really don't know WHY I get those pictures. I didn't want to spend $1000 on a camera and still just get some good pictures every now and again by accident. Before I spend that kind of money on a camera, I want to have the mechanics down.

My instructor said that was a really smart idea, and that most people do the exact opposite. I know that to be true. People even open up photography companies thinking that just because they have a good camera and maybe get some decent pictures now and again that they are a photographer. I was following a friend's daughter on facebook, looking at pictures that people paid her to take, and I kept thinking...these are bad. I wouldn't have paid for these; I would have been embarrassed to charge someone for these. I need a ton more classes before I feel like I'm ready to really get into the groove. The problem is, I have no idea where I can take those classes. The classes at USM and the local community colleges are always full with a waiting list. There's not like an independent photography school around here, although I'm thinking about maybe some online courses...doing a little investigation there. Not that I think I'm ever going to be able to be "photographer" but I might be able to make a little money with say an etsy site or something. I've seen some terrible pictures that sell at craft festivals and such; I could do better than that. Not that I'm trying to find ways to make money (I am, but photography is way down the list). It's just a thought I have in my head...plus I want to get better at it so I can justify the cost of a DSLR. *grin*

September 18, 2011

Late Night Update

It rained today, which was just fine because it matches my mood. I think I woke up under a cloud and it just got worse from there. I had plans for it to be a good day. But it just wasn't.

Still don't know about a job. I've got to figure out something for myself because right this minute, I know that it is contributing to my stress. It won't around October 5th or so, but right now, I can just feel the stress creeping up from my shoulders, into the back of my neck and over the top of my head, settling deep into the tissue and bones, creating a weight that dogs my every step.

September 12, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

For the first time since I've come home, I really feel hopeless. I didn't feel it when I didn't get the jobs...even when I was sure that the one was mine. For some reason, now, today--technically tonight--I feel it. I was laying in bed with the PA when he rolled over and said to me, "I'm so glad you're here. I'm glad you're home." And I said I was glad too.

But I started to think...if I hadn't come home, I'd be in bed, trying to prepare myself for heading to work the next day. It would be hellish at Olmsted because I wouldn't be there in the job I had been hired to do; I was being pushed out and into something else, which I suppose would be OK. It would be extremely stressful because life at Olmsted is evolving into that. They won't make AYP this year; the administration will be replaced after the results of an audit come about. Everyone there will be doing their damnedest to save their jobs...everything, that is, except what is the very best for students. And I would be miserable. Far from the people I love and who love me in return. But I would be employed. Money would probably still be tight, but I'd have a job, I'd be supporting myself, and I'd feel worth something.

Matt could have come to be with me. He finds jobs easily. But it would have taken him away from all of this...his family, his friends, his life. He says he is willing to do that. He is. He has said that he is willing to go wherever we need to in order to get me settled. The problem becomes, what about this life that we've got here? What happens to Granny? And his parents? And what about when we have children?

I don't feel like I've made a mistake in coming home. I'd be killing myself slowly if I'd stayed in Kentucky. But I feel...hopeless. I know part of it is this whole hormonal swing with my cycle; part of it is that I'm currently extremely stressed about money; part of it is that I have a tooth that hurts (either a filling replaced or a root canal...which means pulling it); part of it is the melancholy nature of these days. I'm feeling it, though, and I don't quite know how to get out of this funk.

The PA told me tonight that he prayed for me, and that he believes everything will work out right. Everyone tells me that it will be OK in the end, and if it's not OK, it's not the end. I believe that everything happens exactly the way it is supposed to. But I am struggling with trying to figure out exactly I'm supposed to do next. Where I'm supposed to go. What path I'm supposed to be on. I believe that this is my call to leave public K-12 education, but for what? Where do I go now? What do I do next?

I am a planner by nature. I do not adjust well to uncertainty. This is crushing me.

September 6, 2011

Evening Update

I was a machine this morning and during the early afternoon. I was ticking things off of my to-do list like it was no body's business. I even got around to making my new dental mold that I've had for a month or so. I did all of my laundry, and I cleaned the couch and the shower. The things I did not get done included all of those things that pertained to writing and a job.

I know why...if I don't actually do it, then I can't get it, which means I don't face rejection. I want something...particularly a job...but I don't want to get my hopes up and be rejected again. I know all the stuff about nothing ventured, nothing gained. I just have to make up my mind to actually do it.

There are a few things on my to-do list for tomorrow, and I'm hoping to get them all done by noon. That leaves me the rest of the day to really focus on writing and emails and all of those things that go into submitting a writing sample.

I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. I am often consumed by fear, but I manage to bluff my way through it. it's a nice trick that I've taught myself over the years because there are times when you absolutely cannot fall apart or let fear rule your life. I put on a brave face and march on because that's the only option.

That's all I have on tap tonight. Too tired because I haven't been sleeping.

September 5, 2011

Evening Update

The other morning when I couldn't sleep I spent a ton of time writing here...scribbling thoughts really...and for some reason the program closed. How very, very frustrating to have lost all of that work.

I couldn't sleep last night either. Seems to be happening more and more to me. Last night I was walking down memory lane, and of course, because it is me, I wasn't remembering the good times. I was particularly fixated on one moment in my history. I know when it happened I talked about it here.

I think that it was the single most offensive thing that a man has ever done to me, and when you're a plus-sized woman, the list of offensive things that men (and women frankly because we are so incredibly difficult to each other) have done to you can be quite long. I think it was so terrible because it was deliberately personal. A lot of the shit that gets said about women is vicious but it's generic. It can strike at the heart of you, but it's not about you really. That other person could have substituted any other person and said the exact same thing and had it not matter to them. They were offensive and mean because they could be; you just happened to be the one who was there for a minute. You were convenient. Sad but true. Wrong place, wrong time.

But this offensive thing was exactly what the guy thought of me. It was totally and completely about me. I'll give it to him that he was probably high when he and his friend thought it up, and I'm probably partially to blame for having entered into a casual, sexual relationship. Outside of that whole hooking-up-thing, though, I don't know that I ever gave off that kind of vibe, and while I get that hooking-up can lead people to think a lot of different things about you, we had plenty of contact outside of that.

I remember feeling sick to my stomach when I realized what exactly the point of the visit was. I also remember feeling furious and not sure what to do. I laughed things off, played it off, got them another glass of wine, and eventually sent them on their way. The odd thing, though, is that I felt the need to not just throw them out. It was that offensive. Why could I not just say, no...and you need to leave. Now. Because that's what I remember thinking: how in the hell do I get myself out of this?

There wasn't anything for me to get myself out of, though. It was them who should have been ashamed.

I don't know why I particularly thought about that last night, but I did. It just wouldn't go away. I have that problem. My mind gets stuck in a loop and I endlessly replay scenarios. It doesn't help that I have a memory like a steel-trap when it comes to those kinds of things (although I can't remember to call my grandmother...what's up with THAT?), and I remember every word that was said. It makes it particularly excruciating.

Tonight that situation is over and done. I'm only thinking about it now in the retelling. The needle isn't stuck, and I'm ready to put that incident away again for a very long time, but last night it was killing me. I felt that same sense of sickness and anger all over again.

September 2, 2011

Evening Update

There is a storm brewing in the Gulf. It won't be a hurricane by the time it gets here; just a tropical storm. Still, though, they are talking about 10-15" of rain here in Hattiesburg. I was thinking about sweeping and shocking the pool tomorrow so I could enjoy it this long weekend, but if the rain starts to come in, there won't be much use in that. I was looking forward to spending this long weekend next to the pool with my books and magazines, getting a bit more color in my pale skin. I don't think that will happen now.

I am struggling with restless leg syndrome. Monday night it kept me from sleeping most of the night. Last night it woke me up at 2 and kept me awake for quite awhile. It's been bothering me all day today. It feels like there are things crawling around under my skin...like my calves are in motion but I am not. It's crazy-making. I guess I need to take another iron supplement and advil. See if that helps it any. Itching and restless leg. I'm a mess, aren't I?

I've really got to get myself together. I haven't been sleeping at night so I'm useless during the day. I've got to go borrow Tony's cordless drill so I can get the bridesmaids bouquets done. I also need to go by the storage unit and dig a few things out of there as well. There are all kinds of things that you don't think you'll miss until you actually miss. Like my cheese knife. I miss my cheese knife. Actually I miss my knives period. My bread knife, my paring knife. My knives. Not that I want to kill anyone. I just miss my things.

There was a possibility that Matt and I were going to go to Birmingham this weekend to take engagement photos. That gave me a moment or two of panic because I am no where near being ready to have engagement photos taken. I need my hair done (it was done mid-June...I've got a ton of growth. I suppose that since I'm not going to be swimming this weekend, I could make my way to Sally's and get some dye to take care of that little problem). I need new make-up because I've gotten a little tan over the weekend, which means that what I'm currently wearing is a tad too pale for pictures, combined with that whole mineral make-up does not photograph well. And clothes. What to wear to an engagement photo shoot? I calmed down a little when I gave myself a minute to think about it. I could wear my peach blouse with black top-stitching and some black or gray capris. Black heels. I could also wear a black dress. One of the three that I have. I could also wear jeans and a MS state shirt for something a little more casual. That, I think, is easily taken care of. Those other things like hair and make-up, not so much so. I'm grateful for the tropical storm coming in because that means that rain will make engagement photos less than desirable. The problem now becomes trying to find some other time to get them taken. Football season has started and y'all know what that means.

I'm ready for some camping...a little time in nature to figure myself out. How about you?