September 2008
September 30, 2008
Evening Update
I'm a little disquieted this evening. Not sure what that's all about. It was a long day at work. Two meetings that went long. Didn't get to the house until about 5. Tomorrow is going to be another long day, too. I suppose that's OK since Friday I will be off work. I haven't heard yet if my friend is coming, but I suppose the silence on it is my answer. That's OK. I have a presentation on Monday, and I should probably spend some serious time this weekend working on it.
I took my vitamins this morning. Almost puked in the auditorium when one of them went down the wrong way. *sigh* It wouldn't have been a pretty sight.
Photos from the Balloon Festival are now up. Feel free to peruse at your leisure. Most of them aren't very good because my camera, while good for just point-and-shoot things, isn't very good for much more than that. I need a new camera. I want a digital SLR. I won't be getting one any time soon, but I want one. Kinda like I want a GPS for the car. Won't be getting one of those any time soon either. *sigh*
I also want John Adams on DVD. Because I'm a big ol' dork. Hmmmmm...I suppose that I could always find the nearest blockbuster and rent it. That sounds like it might be an interesting Saturday night for me (I'm going to First Friday. Dammit)
I didn't sleep well again last night. Took forever to fall asleep, and then once I had fallen asleep, something woke me up. I could have sworn that there was someone down here in the basement with me. There was a shadow creeping from the foot of the bed to around the corner. The only thing that kept me from totally wigging out was the fact that Cob wasn't going nuts. If she'd been even remotely awake and alert, then I would have had more issues than I did. Then because I was excited and because it was storming, I couldn't get back to sleep. *sigh*
Spent some time talking to the Sner tonight. Apparently the Great State of Illinois is no longer a part of the United States. The Sner's boy needed to get fingerprinted in order to get his hazmat clearance, and they wanted to know his immigration status because Illinois wasn't a state (they had a copy of his birth certificate and his passport). So. When I go home at Thanksgiving, I'll make sure that I have my passport with me since I'll be crossing the border and entering another country. If by some chance, I decide to go visit Jane and her husband (say for Halloween weekend? They were talking about a big ol' party in the woods. Boys, Jane. Bring Lots and Lots of boys), I'll make sure I have it then as well.
I had several paragraphs typed out about how pissed it makes me to pay for others' poor decisions. Kinda along the federal bail-out thing, but in a much more personal situation. It's nowhere near $700 billion, but right now, for me, it's not an insignificant sum of money. People forget that I pay attention. I'm always watching. And I know that I'm not being told the truth.
Particularly when I think about what *I* need that money for. Like my car registration. If I'm reading right, the state of Kentucky is going to charge me a 6% usage tax on the trade-in value of my vehicle...which amounts to about $450. I need to look through the glove box and see if my previous registrations are still in there. Because apparently if you can prove that you've already paid sales tax on your vehicle, then you don't have to pay the usage tax. I paid almost $800 in sales tax on the damn thing. If worst comes to worst, I wonder if there's any way they can look that up in Hattiesburg? Hmmmmmm...wonder if that folder is still in the car? I'm half tempted to go look now because I know for the longest time, it was still sitting there.
I have apparently put my trust in the wrong person again. One of these days I'll figure out it.
September 29, 2008
Evening Update
Work wasn't as arduous as I thought it might be today. Not that I wasn't busier than a long-tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. By 10 this morning, I'd already logged 3 miles in the building. Running up and down stairs to deliver testing booklets and materials. I was hot and sweaty and gross by the time I was ready to leave.
Went to the doctor. Have I mentioned that I hate going to the doctor? I suppose as far as doctors go, this wasn't a bad visit. But still. I was running late and got lost getting there. That caused me stress. I don't like being late. And then once I was there, doctor stress set in. When they took my blood pressure, I just told them...it and my pulse are going to be really high because I'm nervous. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, which I suppose is a plus. Even so, I need to start taking my vitamins again...and get some lavender oil. I should ditch the coffee in the morning as well, but I don't know if I can make it through my 9:30-10:00 slump without it.
At any rate, I liked the doctor. He seemed nice enough. Didn't feel a lot of judgment about the fact that it had been a couple of years since my last doctor visit or that I wanted to do a full range of STD testing. Funny how hard it was to ask for that. I was embarrassed, and I'm not sure why I should have been. The exam wasn't all that uncomfortable, although those things are never really comfortable. They neatly handled the open in the front or open in the back thing by just having me keep my shirt on while removing my bra. When it was time to do the thing, even knowing what was going to happen and what I needed to do, I found it interesting to note that letting my thighs relax and actually open up took a few minutes.
After all of that it was time for the blood draw. I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but it is apparently getting more difficult to get the blood out of my veins. They needed three vials, and I had to be stuck three times. Twice in my right arm and once in my left arm. Even with that, the nurse was doubtful that she was going to get what she needed. I'm not sure what to make of that...other than I know I'm going to have some wicked bruises come tomorrow.
All in all, I was in the doctor's office for two hours. Which is a really long time.
I have to go back in a week to get the results from the testing and to have him remove my IUD. Got an antibiotic for a little problem that I knew I had. Nothing serious; probably associated with my IUD. Apparently I can't drink for the week that I'm on this particular drug. Combine it with alcohol, and supposedly it produces antabuse like reactions in the body. Vomiting. Nausea. All sorts of other unpleasant things. That kinda sucks because I have a three day weekend, which would be perfect for some serious drinking. I suppose, though, that health is more important. If my friend comes up this weekend, I can be her DD.
In other news, I've lost 25 pounds since I was last at the doctor in February. Wonder how much more I'll be down after a week of no drinks.
I took the doggie for a walk tonight. We've been slacking the last two weeks. So, even though I had my 10,000 steps in by the time I got to the house, since Cob didn't have her steps in, we went. It was good to walk and be out in the air. I enjoyed it. Cob had a good time, too.
Interesting moment while we were on the trail. On the nature trail, you come up out of the woods and through a little pasture before entering another section of woods. As we were getting ready to enter the last little bit of woods, a deer came bounding out of them into the pasture. Totally took me by surprise. I guess I figure that because I'm in the city, there shouldn't be any real wildlife, but there she was...big as day. Cob just wagged her tail. Was so excited she couldn't even bark. The deer was in a confined area...inside the fenced pasture. The deer retreated to the brush and every once in awhile, she'd stick her head out, checking to see if we'd moved on. I really wanted to get a picture of her, but couldn't get my camera ready in time.
Eventually the deer couldn't take it anymore, and she left back over the fence and back into the woods. Or at least she tried to. Took a couple of tries for her to get it. Her spindly legs were all akimbo and kicking against the boards of the fence. I was afraid she was going to hurt herself, but she got up and took off like a shot. Cob of course wanted to take off like a shot after her, but because she's a good girl, she stayed right with me.
I feel like I should be reaching out to someone right now. Like they might need some support, but. I get tired of being the one to reach out. It makes me feel a little like a stalker.
What do y'all make of the failure of Congress to pass the bail-out plan? I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I am a little worried about what happens if we don't have some sort of bail-out. But on the other hand, I'm furious that we can provide corporate welfare to people who should have known better, but we continue to stick it to the people who are struggling day after day...and this only became a real problem that needed immediate action when it was corporations in trouble. Not the little people. When it was little people, it was their fault and they needed to suck it up and accept responsibility for it. I'm unsure why the drumbeat from the congress isn't the same now.
Actually, that's not true...I know why the drumbeat isn't the same, and it's sickening.
I don't know how this is going to effect me to be honest. I know that Bank of America hasn't sent me any checks for my line of credit in several months, and they used to send a booklet of them every month or so. Not that I used them all that often, but they aren't coming. I haven't looked at my PERS retirement account from NV in a long time, and I'm not sure that looking at it now (although I do need to transfer it to KY) is the best idea.
I'm kinda of the opinion that at this point, we need to let the chips fall where they may. Even if that means it gets really, really bad for awhile. No one is coming to bail me out, and it pisses me off that we're somewhat backed into a corner.
September 28, 2008
Very Late Night Update
I took a nap this evening. It was too long, and I laid down too late in the afternoon. It's going to be awhile before I get to sleep tonight. Stupid. *sigh* That's OK. Gave me time to get my nails done. Hopefully they will be fully dry by the time I actually lay down, and I won't wind up with sheet lines in the polish.
There's a ton of stuff to get done tomorrow at work. I have to print answer sheets and information materials for a test that will be given on Tuesday. I'll be spending my entire day at the printer. Or at least my day until around 11:45, when I will be leaving school for the day.
Because we'd been out of school for a week, and because I wasn't quite sure how to handle an absence, I decided to cancel the doctor's appointment I had scheduled for last Monday. It's been rescheduled for tomorrow. I've been hoping hard that my period doesn't start because it's about time for it. I've been grumpy and emotional and have had some particularly wicked cramps. Should be alright, though.
I'm not really looking forward to going to the doctor and having them poke and prod and give me that look when I say it's been a few years since I've had a Pap. Yes I know it's important. Yes I should have gone. But. I'm still trying to figure out if I want to have a whole bunch of tests done. It's been awhile since I had the full battery of STD testing, and there have been a couple of partners since them. Some that I was cautious with and one that I wasn't. Guess that answers that question, doesn't it? *sigh*
I didn't get around to the photo album this afternoon. Went to the store and got my doggie a dog bed. There's not a lot of selection out there if you don't want to pay $50...which I didn't. I'm thinking that what I might do is take some old pillows and stitch them together. Then get some fabric that matches the bedding or the living room type stuff and cover them. I washed the pillowcase on the pillow that she'd been lounging on, and with all of her damn hair, it was a nasty mess. *sigh*
Got the car washed this afternoon. It really, really needed it. Now I just need to get the interior cleaned because they didn't offer that. They did a very nice job on the exterior, though, and that includes getting the bugs off. Poor guy scrubbed at it forever. The paint on the car is oxiding in places. *sigh* I suppose it's a good thing that I don't care a whole lot about such things. It's irritating, though. Perhaps in the spring I'll think about what it might cost to get it repainted, since I plan on having it awhile, even though I would like to trade it in for an SUV so I can be more comfortable when going on a camping trip.
I'm hot. I've been hot much of the day, which doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It's not hot outside.
Speaking of camping, I've decided on the date for the annual fall camping trip. I'm going the weekend of the 18th. Headed to the Land Between the Lakes. I suppose I'll stay in Skunk Hollow again. It's quiet down there, and there aren't a lot of people to bother you. But then again, there are the skunks. Maybe I'll investigate one of the other campgrounds. At any rate, if you're not doing anything, and you'd like a quiet weekend in the woods, feel free to join me. I'll be there by about 6-7:00 on Friday night. (leave here by 3:30...it's about a three hour drive for me) I'll stop in Hopkinsville and pick up luscious bbq for dinner. *grin* Just let me know you're coming so I pick up enough of the luscious bbq...and have enough booze in the cooler...for all of us.
So...I don't know if y'all know this or not or if you believe in it or not, but Mercury is in retrograde. That means that there's a lot of communication snafus going on. I've been feeling that this last week. Hoping that it gets better. I haven't heard from people I want to hear from, and others tell me that we're not friends because we have a disagreement. It's very frustrating...and a little hurtful. The new moon is supposed to be helping with that whole communication thing. Especially in the areas where I need it the most. To that end, I've pulled out my Halloween cards and started addressing them. I suppose we shall see.
I've watched football today. The first time really since the season has started. My Cowboys lost. What is up with that?
A friend might be coming up to visit this coming weekend. I actually have a 3 day weekend. I'm not sure if she's going to make it up this weekend or next when another friend will be here. Next Friday is also First Friday and the St. James Court Art Show. So...if she doesn't come, I'll be going to St. James looking for Christmas pressies and then I'll be making my way to First Friday. By myself if need be.
Have I mentioned that I need to go to bed? It's after midnight. I have to be at school tomorrow by 7:00 so I can do my assigned duty.
I made a big ol' pot of black beans for dinner today. I'll have dinner the rest of the week. They were cooking in the crock pot when I left to do a little shopping, and when I came back to the house, right when I got out of the car, I could smell them cooking. Through the closed door of the house. Got them a little spicy. Might have been the four diced jalapenos. Or the exuberant shaking of the Tabasco bottle.
I have to get some insurance quotes. It's time for me to renew my policy, and I'm sure that since I've moved to a bigger city, my rates are going to be going up. I've been very happy with Progressive, but if someone else is going to give me a better deal, then I'm all for that. I also have to change the registration on the car...although I do have until the end of the month. I don't want to take a chance of getting pulled over because I have an expired tag. Also pretty sure that I'm going to need to get brakes and rotors here pretty quick...and there's that whole electrical system thing which seems to be getting worse. *sigh* I just put $800 in the car with the timing belt, and I'm figuring that brakes and whatever this electrical problem is will probably be another $800. I hate parting with my money.
Very Early Morning Update
I went to the balloon festival. Tomorrow...hopefully...I'll get around to creating the web photo album, and you can see all of the fun that was the balloon festival. I gotta say, that while it was incredibly cool to have so many balloons as part of the Glow Show (anyone who wanted to participate could), it could have been more organized. There were, in the space of an hour or so, four all glows and three "twinkles". Some coordination would have been appreciated. None of us really cared about the radio personalities wandering around doing interviews with the pilots.
Lots of families there. It was really a family event. I was, of course, the loser by myself. *sigh* That's alright. When the beer from my boot (with the flashing light in the heel) hit me, I asked the pregnant lady behind me if she and her three kids might be willing to watch my things while I went to the bathroom. She was good for it.
Got my bead replaced. The guy didn't charge me for the new bead. Not that it would have been much, but he didn't charge. Said that he appreciated "looking at the decoration." Made me giggle.
One of my friends is probably having sex right now. She told me that she was going after the hook-up this evening. I got the feeling she didn't know the guy very well. Which is fine. (really) It's just not a choice I could make for myself. I need some sort of connection with another person before I'm going to make myself that vulnerable to him. We don't have to be in a relationship, but I do need to have some sort of link to the person. I really wish I could be like my friend. I didn't really enjoy my one-night stands, although the sex was good on at least one occasion. It was hard to get comfortable. So. I hope she's having a FANTASTIC time...and that maybe she's enjoying a little for me.
I've apparently screwed up again. Except I didn't get told how I screwed up. So. I've been operating under previous assumptions...when I shouldn't have been. Foolish. Always stupidly foolish.
Can't remember what else I needed to say tonight.
September 28, 2008
Very Early Morning Update
I went to the balloon festival. Tomorrow...hopefully...I'll get around to creating the web photo album, and you can see all of the fun that was the balloon festival. I gotta say, that while it was incredibly cool to have so many balloons as part of the Glow Show (anyone who wanted to participate could), it could have been more organized. There were, in the space of an hour or so, four all glows and three "twinkles". Some coordination would have been appreciated. None of us really cared about the radio personalities wandering around doing interviews with the pilots.
Lots of families there. It was really a family event. I was, of course, the loser by myself. *sigh* That's alright. When the beer from my boot (with the flashing light in the heel) hit me, I asked the pregnant lady behind me if she and her three kids might be willing to watch my things while I went to the bathroom. She was good for it.
Got my bead replaced. The guy didn't charge me for the new bead. Not that it would have been much, but he didn't charge. Said that he appreciated "looking at the decoration." Made me giggle.
One of my friends is probably having sex right now. She told me that she was going after the hook-up this evening. I got the feeling she didn't know the guy very well. Which is fine. (really) It's just not a choice I could make for myself. I need some sort of connection with another person before I'm going to make myself that vulnerable to him. We don't have to be in a relationship, but I do need to have some sort of link to the person. I really wish I could be like my friend. I didn't really enjoy my one-night stands, although the sex was good on at least one occasion. It was hard to get comfortable. So. I hope she's having a FANTASTIC time...and that maybe she's enjoying a little for me.
I've apparently screwed up again. Except I didn't get told how I screwed up. So. I've been operating under previous assumptions...when I shouldn't have been. Foolish. Always stupidly foolish.
Can't remember what else I needed to say tonight.
September 26, 2008
Evening Update
I've just spent the last hour or so cleaning. *sigh* I don't know where all the damn dog hair comes from. And I don't know how it gets to places where she is not. I swear by now I could knit myself a sweater. When you factor in the cat hair on the stairs that I swept off, it's even worse. Good lord.
I needed to clean anyway (put a whole bunch of stuff in a garbage bag to throw away. It's funny how much crap you can accumulate in just two month's time), but I was looking for that stupid transfer cable for my camera. Put clothing away, cleaned out other things,a nd it's nowhere to be found. I'm going to go out in a few minutes and check in the car. Maybe I tossed it in there on my trip south. I dunno. I guess if I can't find it, I'm going to have to buy another one, which makes me a little ill. I don't know how it could just disappear. I saw it right before I left for Mississippi because I was trying to decide if I should take it or not. Got it confused with the charger for my cell phone.
*sigh*
I'm sorta watching the debate. It's not going to change my mind about how I'm going to vote. If I'm going to vote. I need to register. If it's not too late. I suppose I should figure that out, shouldn't I?
(found the transfer cable. It was in the trunk of the car. Now I feel like a dolt)
I got the word this afternoon that we were totally going to Waverly Hills! I'm excited about it, but at the same time, I'm nervous. It's going to be $50 for the four hours. We're going on November 14 (Friday night) from midnight until four in the morning on Saturday. As I understand, we can't take a camera in with us, and since it's going to be dark anyway, I suppose that doesn't matter. I really wish the boy were here to go with me. I tend to get scared easily, so I'm not exactly sure why I've agreed to this thing. Other than the fact that I need to get out and meet people, do things.
I'm going to the balloon festival tomorrow. I don't know if I'm going to go early in the morning for the mass ascension. I really just want to see the glow show. I have my tripod, so I'm going to take some pics. Hopefully I'll have something good to post. There's an arts and crafts festival along with it, so maybe I can get some Christmas shopping done. Which reminds me...since my checks have come in, I can put them in my checkbook and tkae it with me for some Christmas shopping.
This morning, a bead came off a piercing. That means that I need to find a shop to go to to have them either put it back in or to replace all of it. I think I've found the place I'm going to drop by tomorrow, but I don't know. I suppose I'll just drive down Bardstown Road. Maybe it's time to change everything out. What do you think? (on the issue of changing everything out. For instance, the piece of jewelry I have in my navel has been there for 8 years. Perhaps it's time to change all of that out. Maybe from blue to green. Or purple. Or something like that.) The piercing in my navel has been there over 8 years. Good thing because I paid $120 for a cabon cut faux sapphire.
I left the doggie in the back yard this evening. Eventually, I decided it might be nice to go and get her. When I did, she wanted to play and play and paly. She did laps around me. Literally laps. Racing from one point in the yard to another, all in a circle around me. At one point, she ran into me. Funny doggie she is.
So, I've spent the last two days in a workshop about cultural awareness. Because today's sessions were so incredibly boring, I spent some time reading Gary Howard's book. He talks about the oppressiveness of the dominant culture. I don't know if I buy all of that stuff, but I can see where it comes in to play. I mean, how many of us think about the privilege that our skin color either does or does not grant us?
There's more I wanted to say about this, I know, but right now is not the time.
September 25, 2008
Evening Update
Interesting day today, I suppose. I'm so very tired. Not exactly sure what's going on. I was at a workshop with my boss and several of my colleagues today, and there were numerous times that I was this close () to falling asleep. Before ten this morning, I had 3 cups (little) of coffee...with nine packets of sugar. There was only that gross powdered creamer stuff, so I was back to basics. My Sner drinks coffee with sweetener, and that's what I first started drinking. Sometimes I forget the basic stuff.
I have my coffee pot ready to go for tomorrow morning. It will include creamer and sweetener. Just because that's the way I roll.
I broiled chicken breasts in the toaster oven this evening. I didn't want to do that, but I did it because that was the responsible thing to do. I poured the roasted mango chipotle sauce over them and let the toaster oven do its thing. When they were done, I sliced them up and made a salad. Pretty good if I do say so myself.
So, this workshop today...one of our presenters was pretty upset about all of this bail-out crap. I have to say that I'm not all that happy about it either. Ordinary folks take their lumps when they screw up. But big business? They collect fatter paychecks. What's that about?
We also talked about poverty and the things that make us the people we are. We did this thing where we had to give up, metaphorically, things that contribute to who we are in this world. I gave up everything but language and my vocation, which I identified as "writer". Other people kept things like their family and their core beliefs and their religion. I thought about all of those things, but none of them mean much to me. I come from a fractured, small family and I've shuffled around so much that those things aren't all that important to me. Language, though, and the ability to communicate, are. For those bonds I've forged and for the relationships I've cultivated, writing and language are integral to maintaining them. Plus, I think there's an orientation to the world that being a writer (with a lower case "w" and not a capital "W") brings that encapsulates some of those "core value" type things.
One of my colleagues asked me today if I wanted to go to Waverly Hills with them. It's supposed to be one of the 10 most haunted places in the country. I told her that I would do it. I'm a big ol' chicken and haunted houses scare the hell out of me (have I told you the story about getting lost in the Maze at the tiny haunted house at the Billings Senior Citizen's Center?), but I figure part of the journey is doing those things that frighten us.
Listened to this song tonight on the way home from Open House...
I'm a bit perplexed right now. I can't figure out the reason for radio silence.
Michael Franti and Spearhead are coming to Louisville in November. Thinking about going. Tickets are like $30.
September 24, 2008
Evening Update
I'm not in a very good moood now, even though it was a much better day. Got what I needed to get done at work, and all is well with regard to that.
Still nauseous today. Someone mentioned to me that it could be a gall bladder attack. Recall back in February or so I went through something similar, but it wasn't as bad as this. It was just persistent.
I should have walked the dog tonight. I haven't the last couple of nights, and I can tell that she's getting restless. I'm a bad mom. I also should have taken myself to see Paul Thorn at Waterfront Wednesday. When I came home, I just didn't feel up to it, and while I feel a bit better now, I'm tired. Sleep has been an elusive thing lately.
I can't find the package of padded mailers that I had. *sigh* I'd like to send the boy's Ipod back to him. I said I would. There are a couple of songs on there I'd like to steal, but he can have his Ipod back.
I think I'm going to go to the Bluegrass Balloon Festival on Saturday. I have just a slight problem, though. I can't figure out exactly how the festival works. It's not like the Reno Balloon Race. It's the mass ascension and chase in the morning with the glow show at night. So...you're there all day with an arts festival in between. Which is fine. But. Can I bring a picnic with me? Can I bring my dog with me? Because that's what I would want to do. I would want to take my backpack picnic thingie with all sorts of yumminess, and I would want to bring Cob since it would be an all-day thing. You know? I wouldn't want to leave and then come back. I don't think. Because what if parking is a bitch? And I don't think I'd want to pay admission/parking twice. Questions. And the stupid website doesn't list who to contact for more information. Dangit.
I still can't find the transfer cable for me camera. I wonder where in the heck I put it.
Going to look at a duplex tomorrow. Am hopeful that it's decent. It would make my life easier, although this month will be hard. It's time for car insurance and it's time for car registration. In addition to a security deposit and two rents and paying for college credits. *sigh* Good thing I got the car done in Hattiesburg.
September 23, 2008
Late Evening Update
I'm supposed to be working on my professional growth plan. It's due tomorrow. It was actually due a month ago. But tomorrow is the absolute last day that it can be turned in.
It was another shitty day. Not as shitty as yesterday, but shitty. I don't know if it's stress or what, but I spent the morning vomiting. And once that was over, I was either dry heaving or puking up bile. Waves of nausea would hit me at the strangest moments. I'd be walking down the hall, and all of the sudden be doubled over with it. I should have probably been at home, but there was too much to get done today. It's tempting to stay home tomorrow because I'm still not feeling very hot.
So. I don't know exactly what to say next. I suppose that I should talk about my trip. The problem is that I don't know exactly what to say. I had an entire drive back here to think about it, and I've been thinking about it since I got back here. I'm still at sixes and sevens.
First of all, it was good to be "home". I enjoyed spending time with Beth and Mark and all of my friends there. It was peaceful. It was also a difficult trip as well. It doesn't help that I had a rather terrible case of PMS. It hasn't been that bad in a very long time. I spent most of the weekend on the verge of tears...when I wasn't actually crying. If you believe in such things, the moon was supposed to have been in my sign as well, and that is supposed to make me even more emotional.
I've missed the boy. Some times it feels like I can't remember a time when I didn't miss him. From the very beginning, when everything was exciting and new and every time the message tone sounded and I was nervous that it wouldn't be him to now when I am so far away and still nervous...I've missed him because I enjoy spending time with him. I like talking to him. Being around him makes me happy.
So. I missed him. And I was really looking forward to seeing him. To spending time with him. And I thought he might want to spend time with me, too. Except it didn't feel like that. I understand that he had to work. All of that I get. But you know...he sent me a text that said, "you text me more when you're out of state?" And I thought, probably unfairly, I drove 10 hours; *you* can't send me a message?
I try really hard not to be that insecure, weak woman. I learned a long time ago that it's not fair to make someone else responsible for your insecurities. But it's still hard for me. I try, I try, I try. But I stumble sometimes, and this weekend, I was feeling very insecure. Even when I did see him Friday night, I felt like he was more interested in seeing the other people who were there than he was in seeing me. I don't know if that's really how it was or not, but that's what it felt like to me.
I felt worse and worse as the night wore on, and finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. I'd reached my point and just knew I was going to start crying if I stayed so it was time to go. I can't remember the exact words but he told me that I should know that he loves me. I don't, though. The look on his face as I was leaving was awful. It was like I'd hurt him.
Wound up taking my friend Brandy home because she'd had too much to drink and breakfast at the Waffle House didn't help it. On the way back from her house, it started to rain. I was driving her suv, and wasn't quite sure how to work all the control. It was OK, though. Pulling over to figure it out gave me the opportunity to cry.
I think I've talked here before about my self-destructive impulses. I was feeling it pretty hard Friday night/early Saturday morning. I kept thinking that it might help to get incredibly intoxicated or to raid a stash or something like that, but when I get that way, the over-riding thought is that I'm not going to be able to stop. So. I went to Gumbo Acres, cried some more, and went to bed.
On Saturday, I worked the USM football game with the Jaycees. I have pictures to post, but I don't know where my transfer cable is. Can't find it. They'll have to wait.
Then the boy and I met for drinks and to talk. I drank a little. And I didn't eat. *sigh* I didn't eat a whole lot all weekend. That happens when I'm unhappy. I think on Saturday I had a donut, a biscuit from Ward's, a package of peanut M&M's and some chips and salsa. That's probably why I puked later in the evening. *sigh* Some friends joined us, and we went downtown.
I couldn't drive, so he took me back to Beth and Mark's. A funny moment in there that I didn't hear about until later. Gotta love Matt Allen. He was completely fucked up, and apparently he told Beth that he was coming outside to check on me...that he wanted to on me and to see the boy's face. Because he knows people. OK. Not exactly sure what that was about. All he really did was come out, get the cat and lean against the car.
At any rate. There was a lot of crying on my part. I so am not a pretty crier. Intoxicated or not, what I'm feeling doesn't change. He told me again that he loves me and cares about me but he's not in a position to be in a relationship or anything like that. He wants to be healthy...so he can be the man he wants to be and maybe the man I deserve. Which I understand. He tells me I don't, but I do.
I understand that he's got stuff. And that stuff means that right now, there are things we aren't going to do together. That's all I need to know. I have that message straight now...despite what else might get said. I know how awful it is to be used to satisfy someone else's need, and I don't want to do that to another person. Plus it's a little humiliating and pathetic to offer yourself and not be taken up on it. I may not have much pride, but there's a little. And you know? I would have been satisfied and happy just curled up with him.
I told him again that I didn't know that he loved me...and that I don't know what that means or what it's supposed to feel like. Because anyone can say the words. I don't know, but I think it's about more than grand gestures, not they're not nice. It's about the every day.
I'm not sure he understands where I'm coming from. I don't if he listens to me. I told him that I get easily confused. If things appear favorable for one thing and then that doesn't happen, I get confused. I don't know if he understands how hard all of this is for me. I put myself out there for him. I contact him, I make myself available. I take risks for him. I don't easily let people in, and I don't share a lot of myself. But I make myself vulnerable to him. And a lot of the time, I feel like I'm in the dark.
I saw him before I left to come back. He gave me his Ipod so I'd have something to listen to on the way to Louisville. He's apparently a big Dave Matthews fan. *shudder* There are a couple of bands that I just can't listen to...simply because of singer's voice. Dave Matthews and Cold Play (also on his Ipod) are two of them. I need to mail it back to him. Will probably happen Thursday.
I haven't heard from him since Sunday.
I still don't know if I love him or not. I'm leaning towards "love him" because if that isn't at least a part of this angst, then I'm not sure what exactly this whole thing I'm doing is or why I'm doing it. Not that it matters, really, I suppose.
Anyway. The drive back was long and eventful. More about that tomorrow because I need to get to bed so I can face the music tomorrow.
September 22, 2008
Late Evening Update
It's been a bad fucking day, and it's going to be an awful night since the AC isn't working.
I should have stayed in Mississippi.
September 20, 2008
Morning Update
One of these days I'm not going to be an idiot. I swear it. In the meantime, if I were on my laptop, I could go back and link you to tons of the things that I've written over the years about all that I'm feeling right now. It never seems to change. I think I've got a handle on it, and then I'm right back at square one, feeling stupid and not good enough. Again. I hate that.
Went out with a bunch of friends last night. Should have stayed home. I know enough about myself these days to know when it's time to pack it in. And when to not start it in the first place. Last night was one of those nights.
Did get one thing sorted out though. The PSB started sending texts, wanting to know what I was doing. When I said I was in Hattiesburg, he said he might come down Saturday night after his training seminar got done. My response was, "I call bullshit." And then he got pissy and said something like, "Then we'll just forget all about it." OK. Sounds like a plan to me. Let's forget about the whole thing. Jackass. These are not the games I'm in the mood to play.
Anyway. I gotta get in the shower. I told the Jaycees I'd help them work the USM football game. I didn't realize what I was getting myself into. I have to be there at 11:30. The game starts at 2:30. I'm gonna be there all damn day. Why did I say yes? Dammit. Doesn't appear that today is going to be much better for me.
September 19, 2008
Morning Update
Still irritated about the whole car situation. Will get in the shower here in a minute and make myself presentable so I can go get it. Dammit.
Busy day today. I need to take Beth a happy at her lunch time, and then I need to do a little shopping. Looking for a cute pair of shoes to wear tonight since I left all of mine in Louisville, and I could use a good lipstick. Conveniently Dillards is having their Clinique bonus, so listick here I come. Yay! A bunch of us are going out tonight, and since this will be the first time I've seen the boy since June, I need to be looking extra super cute. Maybe not so much cute but more like hot.
September 18, 2008
Evening Update
Pissed off. Really pissed off. My car is still at the shop, and my dog is at Amanda's. I waited until 7:30, an hour after they said it was going to be done. And it still wasn't done. I finally told them I couldn't wait anymore. I had a dog that needed to be fed, and I had people who were waiting dinner on me. When you drop the freakin' car off at 9:00 in the morning, you expect that you can pick it up by the time they close, if not earlier. When I finally told them I couldn't wait and a friend was picking me up, they said it was only going to be another 15-20 minutes. Whatever. They called my cell at almost 9 and told me it was ready for me to pick up in the morning. Maybe if the fucking tech hadn't been sending text messages, my car would have been ready for me to pick up. I'm driving Amanda's Jeep.
I am generally unhappy. It doesn't help that I'm suffering from some rather severe PMS right now. It's bad. Very, very sad. I know what I want, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to get it. I'm letting myself get upset about things that I shouldn't even care about. But I do. And I really think a good cry is going to not make me feel better but I'm also pretty sure there's no way to get around it at this point.
Going to bed. Dammit.
Afternoon Update
Dropped the car off. Now waiting for it to get done. *sigh* Little concerned as they haven't called at all today to talk to me about the electrical system and how much that might cost to fix. Hmmmmmmmmmmm...
Had lunch with a bunch of friends. Good times.
Still waiting.
September 18, 2008
Very Early Morning Update
The big news is that I'm posting to you live from Hattiesburg, MS. We got the word about 1:30 that school would be canceled the rest of the week, and all I could think about was getting out of town. Getting somewhere that had power. Getting away. Really, I could have gone anywhere this weekend. Probably should have done something like go to Chicago as one of my colleagues is doing. There will be time for those kinds of spur of the moment trips, but this has been a hard transition and being among friends is a comfort. Plus, coming here eliminates a bunch of expenses. Like a hotel. So here it is. Conveniently, I'm going to get the work done on the car that needed to be done.
Couple of interesting things today. One, when we were leaving the workshop today, one of the male participants came up to me and said he had to tell me something and he hoped I wouldn't be offended. He then said that he thought I was a beautiful, sexy voluptuous woman who shouldn't change a thing. Don't cut the hair. OK. I guess. Perhaps he should consider coming back to take another gander when I have the benefit of hair dryers and more than lantern light by which to apply makeup.
And then, on my drive down to Hattiesburg, I talked to Coach. Normal, regular chit-chat, and then he asked me why I was going to Hattiesburg instead of Atlanta to see him. I talked about friends and missing people, and he chimed in with, "you're going back to see a boy, aren't you? You'll go see some guy in Hattiesburg but you won't come see me. He must be a whole lot better than me." Ummmm...yeah. In most of the ways that can be interpreted, and in the specific way it was meant. A little bit of an awkward conversation.
At any rate, it's way late, and I have to get up relatively early so I can drop the car off at Firestone. Maybe just nap in the waiting room.
September 15, 2008
Early Evening Update
So, we're on day number two of being without power here in Louisville. The being without power part isn't the part that gets you. I lived through Katrina. Being without power is a minor inconvenience. You know? The worst part of it is the lack of communication (my phone quits working at the oddest times and won't work again for a long time. Network issues abound apparently) and the being alone. I didn't have to go through Katrina alone...except for that one night, and it was more than enough.
Last night I wished briefly that I had a gun. Those of you who know me, know what a big thing that is. I don't like guns and am not comfortable with them, even though I have experience with them. When Toni and Cam came home last night, I didn't know who was here. She didn't announce them, so I was sitting in my chair, surrounded by candles and the weak light of my ticky camping lantern when I heard all sorts of strange noises upstairs. I didn't know who was in the house with me, and I was scared that it might be someone breaking in. For a minute, I wondered if I shouldn't blow out the candles and turn off the lantern, get in the closet and hide. I didn't want to call out to find out who was there because if it was someone up to no good, I would have just let them know I was in the house. I just wound up sitting there, frozen, and waiting. The only thing I could think of to use to protect myself, if it came down to that was one of the hanging bars from a wardrobe box. Thank goodness it wasn't anything serious. Still...an awful experience.
Anyway. I suppose that's all I have time for right now. Y'all be good, and maybe I'll get a chance tomorrow at my training to check in. Oh. Yeah. Even though school is officially out, I'll be at a training tomorrow. The district had already flown this woman in, so they decided to go ahead and proceed with the training. Because we won't be at work, they're going to be paying us a stipend. Which is a good thing because apparently in this district, they don't just average your pay out over 12 months. They only pay you for the days you work. When you work them. Little strange to my way of thinking, but whatever. So while it's nowhere near my daily rate (something like $390), it's something. I'll take it.
September 14, 2008
Early Afternoon Update
Yesterday was all about jealousy and frustration.
Today is not off to a good start. Woke up and promptly had a panic attack. Like crying and difficulty breathing and the whole thing. *sigh* Still not feeling good. Need to get dressed so I can take the dog for a walk and check out a few things.
Heard from one of the places that I left a message for yesterday. They want more than I want to pay. He did say that they'd knock $25/month off since it was just me, but to make it palpable, they'd have to knock $75-100 off, which isn't going to happen. So. Hopefully the other will call back.
Think I'm going to make red beans and rice. Not that I want beans. Just that the options are limited.
Very Late Evening/Early Morning Update
I am struggling with jealousy this evening. Have been all day long. I try very hard to not let such things affect me and most of the time, I'm OK. Today, though, it's been killing me. I shouldn't be jealous. I have no right to be jealous. But I am nonetheless.
Went out tonight. As my friend Dana was once told on a date, I was "hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock". (She didn't go on a second date with him) Tift Merritt was awesome. AWESOME. I have some video of it. I bought the two cd's I didn't have, and she signed them. I'll post some video as soon as I get it uploaded to photobucket.
I was having a good time and dancing. Happy to do it by myself. When the next thing I knew, some guy was twirling me around and we were two-stepping (thanks Shan). He never really left after that. Went down to see Love Jones and they didn't do anything for me. Puppy and I went into Flannigans and had a beer. When he went to the bathroom, I left. I have his phone number, but I don't see me calling him.
I wasn't feeling it, and he wasn't who I wanted to be with tonight. Even though he was nice enough, and probably under different circumstances, I'd have been interested. He's at U of L, working on a doc in psychology. Not bad looking...a little on the shaggy dog side. About my height. Skinnier than I am. But I'm uninterested.
The doggie and I hiked for about five miles this afternoon. Went around Iroquois park and then did some hiking up and around and through. Came across a guy literally taking a shit in the middle of the trail. Seriously, I don't know what people are thinking. There was a bathroom about 300 yards away. But he choose to take a shit out in the open. What? He'd been wearing a pair of track pants and had taken those completely off. I really don't understand. What do you say in a situation like that? The doggie and I just kept walking.
I think tomorrow we'll go out to the Memorial Forest and do that hike out there.
Called a couple of places about houses. Might go look at one tomorrow during the open house. It's not far from the school, but it's closer to the outer loop. I left messages about a couple of other places, too. I guess I'll call again tomorrow if they don't call back. One place would have been perfect, but they don't accept pets. *pout* I'm trying to remain positive about this whole experience. I know that if I were willing to go into an apartment, things would be moving along quite nicely.
I should take myself off to bed. It's late. I have to wait for video to finish uploading (it's taking forever)
Picked up a postcard for the boy. I send him postcards. Email and texts and chatting and all that stuff is nice, but sometimes it's nice to find something other than bills in the mailbox. This one was super cute, so I had to buy it. Not sure when I'll send this one to him. I might just keep it in reserve for awhile because it's so cute.
Morning Update
My stomach is not feeling too good this morning. Soon the doggie and I will get ourselves together and we will then go for a hike. I'll continue to look for somewhere to live.
I need to get my puppy a pet bed. Somehow in the middle of the night last night, I managed to toss one of my pillows on the floor. She's sleeping on it now. It's on the carpet, so it's not that the concrete floor makes her cold. Maybe it's just that she's on something that smells like me. She likes to sleep on my clothes that I leave on the floor, but only if I've worn them.
I just set up some online bill-paying. *sigh* I couldn't figure out how to secure this network, which makes me uneasy, but I guess that's what I got. Paid my Sner for some stuff and then set up a couple of other bills to be paid. Dealing with money is always stressful for me. I'd really rather not have to deal with it or think about it or keep track of how much of it I have, but that's irresponsible on my part. My relationship with money has to change because I am responsible for myself. You know? I think that I'll be utilizing the online stuff to keep track of how much I have and where it's going.
Speaking of money, I need to get some work done on the car, but I need to figure out where to take it. I wasn't happy with the Firestone screwing me on the brake light, so I don't know that I want to take Esteban back to them for something bigger. I need to talk to Eric and find out about how much the job should cost so that I can gauge what I'm told. I also need to ask some colleagues about where they would take their car.
Anyway. Getting dressed. Getting going. Getting on top of things. Toodles.
September 12, 2008
Evening Update
So, on the way to taking a look at a house that I'm not going to rent (long story), I heard on the radio that tomorrow night at the Original Highlands Festival, Tift Merritt is going to be playing. So. If it's not raining (and maybe if it is) after I make my way through the Festa Italiana, I'm going to be going to see Tift Merritt. I've enjoyed her for the last 6 years or so...and I haven't ever had the opportunity to go see her live.
For those of you unfamiliar, I was going to post a video of a song that does it for me every single time, but I can't find it. So here's one that I like a lot regardless.
The song, though, that just speaks to my heart is "Trouble Over Me":
In your kitchen, on the way to your window
Walking down your hallway, make some trouble over me
Button my coat up, stumble with your words some
Let me think that you might go to a little trouble over me
I came to know Tift Merritt when I was seeing Coach. Or whatever it was that he and I were doing together. I didn't really want much from him...I'm not sure that I ever want much, which is probably the problem...but I wanted a little something. A little "trouble", I guess. It really is sad, I suppose, that it takes so little to make me happy. I can't even begin to explain how those emails, with all of the polish and flattery that was one of Coach's hallmarks (ever the southern gentleman), could just make my day. I still have one of them that I'd printed off and put on my bedroom mirror. Not necessarily because of what I felt for him at one time, but because of what it reminded me of myself.
I'd had an incredibly rough day at school. It was the day we'd had the conference where the little boy (I can't remember his name...it was such a traumatic incident that I should be able to remember his name, shouldn't I?) was so terrified of his father that he was literally shaking and could not lift his head to look at anyone. The mother sat in the corner and refused to join the conversation at the table, her eyes downcast as well. I remember that some at the conference thought it admirable that the "marriage" of the mother and father had survived through both of their tenures in prison for drugs. They were a Philappino family, I believe. The marriage didn't stay together because of love, it stayed together because of abuse.
After that conference, Dave (the principal) asked the child if he wanted to be placed at Children's Cabinet that evening because we were all that afraid for him. He said no. Dave and Bob went to the family's home, and I guess in no uncertain terms let the father know that the child would be at school the next day and there wouldn't be a hair out of place when he arrived. It was that serious of a situation.
It upset me terribly, and I emailed back and forth with Coach, asking him to tell me a story. He's a story-teller and a poet. A man with a way with words. Very much a turn-on. Instead of telling me a story, though, he sent me this paragraph about this girl he knows, his friend and how she's a a "rare jewel among false gems". Yeah...how does that not get you hot and make you melt? Apparently not rare enough, eh?
*sigh*
But that was about all that Coach was good for. I had gone to visit him, and on one of those trips, I heard "Trouble Over Me". Had to go out and buy the CD. Immediately.
Most of my girlfriends are out tonight watching The Women. Not a big movie person period, but I have no desire to go see a movie that depicts the Other Woman as vacuous and a homewrecker. Having walked those shoes, I don't care to see that. Now, Vicky Cristina Bracelona, then I'd be all over it.
Why am I watching The Gym Teacher? Prolly because it has Christopher Meloni in it, and he makes me so very hot. *sigh* him as a dork doesn't do a lot for me, but he's very attractive. Still.
Tonight I've been drinking Bitch, an Australian Grenache. It's not the best wine I've ever had, but it works well with pizza. Now I need some ice cream, which I don't have right this minute. Unfortunately, I think I've had too much to drink to go get some ice cream. Which is OK. I didn't need it anyway. There are banana oreos left from the camping trip. I should probably eat those here soon. They go stale, don't they?
I'm pretty worried about one of my very good friends. If I could do anything to help, I would because I worry. I mean, I always worry because that's what I do, but. Lately I worry more.
I really wish the boy were here. Not because I'm intoxicated and that's what happens when I'm intoxicated, although that's a part of it. I'd just like to be with him. Us sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Or just talking. He makes me smile, and he makes me feel good. I'd have a reason to cook. Sleeping safe next to him.
Morning Update
I'm running behind again this morning, but that's OK. I talked to the boy until late last night and I didn't even hear the alarm when it was going off the first time. Good thing I actually set two alarms. It's OK, though, because it was really good to talk to talk to him last night.
I miss him. A lot. I wish we'd had some of these conversations before I left, but I suppose the important thing is that we have them.
I just saw that this weekend is Italian Fest in the Highlands. I guess I'll run by there there. Maybe have a glass of wine. Some cannelloni. Some lasagna. Sounds like a good plan, doesn't it? I think that will be tomorrow.
I go look at the house tonight at 6:00. It's the more expensive one. I kinda feel like I should just say no to it because it is on the upper limit of what I feel like I can afford to pay. The thing is, though, that it is in the range. It's bigger than what I need but I can close parts of it off so that the utility bills are lower, etc. I'm good at that sort of thing, so. We'll see I guess.
I'm going to call the lady about the other place since I haven't gotten an email back from her in a little bit. I think that would be more ideal for me, but I don't know. *sigh*
September 11, 2008
Evening Update
So, I guess I haven't written as much about 9-11 as I'd thought that I had. I just looked back through the previous years, and last year was really the only year that I'd written about it. Hmmmmm...
I'll have to think about where I want to go with it.
In the mean time, though...it's been kind of a trip down memory lane this afternoon. As I drove up to the house, on the radio was playing a song that I hadn't heard in quite awhile. Not that it's not a great song because it is. It's just that when I hear it, it reminds me of how stupid I am. *sigh*
You know, one of my greatest fears in life is that I'm going to be a fool, that I'm going to trust the wrong person and in that trust, in misreading the situation, I'm going to embarrass myself. That's one of the bad things about putting everything out there into the world via this place. It's there to remind me of how terribly stupid I am or can be or have been. In black and very pale gray.
Do y'all realize how stupid I'm being when I'm writing this stuff? (If you do, please don't tell me. I can only handle so much at one time)
Tomorrow is the weekend. I have a house to look at tomorrow evening. And then I plan to get very, very intoxicated. It's been that kind of week. The question becomes, what will the poison be? I have some rum here, but no where near enough. And I don't have enough ice even if I had enough rum (I can only make one tray of ice at a time). I have five beers in the fridge, but again...no where near enough. This is a dilemma. I suppose I could just drink wine. Buy a steak for the grill and have a bottle...or two...of wine. What do you think of that plan?
Called and made an appointment with the girlie doctor. It's gonna be on the 22nd. I'm pretty sure that I have a slight problem. I'm also pretty sure what that slight problem is (which is a relief...before I was worried it could be all sorts of awful things), and what needs to be done to fix it. Which might really include getting rid of my IUD...simply because having an IUD increases the probability of having this particular problem. *sigh* (don't worry; it's nothing serious. Taking antibiotics for a week and eating yogurt daily will take care of it)
I smell like a boy right this minute. I got a sample of perfume with an order I placed. I didn't realize I had selected the boy version of the perfume. Errrr...cologne. I like it, though. Even if I do smell like a boy. I suppose there are worse things.
Today was supposed to be an amazing day in my love life. A day like I won't see again until August of 2010. Somehow that is fitting, no? The stars and moon and sun line up to offer me the world on a plate, and I somehow manage to miss it.
Yesterday was a shitty day. Today has been a shitty day. I'm pretty sure tomorrow will be a shitty day. So. I think that means I'm supposed to go to bed early. Or have a sweet night cap. Or something like that.
Morning Update
When I'm doing a morning update, it's really hard for me to remember what I wrote the day before. I suppose that if I wrote something of any importance, it would stick with me a little better.
It's September 11. Seven years ago seems so far away, but I know exactly what I was doing that day, exactly where I was when I heard that something was going on. I don't know what to say about today that I haven't said each of the last four years. I suppose I could look it up and link it for you. Maybe I'll do that tonight. Perhaps in the past I've been more eloquent than I feel today.
I'm running a little behind again this morning, but this morning, it's OK. I don't have to drive all the way across town this morning. I have a training that is just a couple of miles from the house. I do have to go across town this afternoon for a professional development, but I don't have to do that until this afternoon.
Wonder what I'm going to wear today? Last night I tried on a dress that I haven't worn in a really, really long time. It almost fits. If I keep working, in the next couple of weeks it should fit.
Gotta get going. *sigh*
Late Evening Update
So, today I sat through three sessions of EPD, all about the same thing. All an hour of talking. All enough to put me to sleep. It was excruciating. The only interesting thing that was said had to do with men...and not our teaching. The AP, who happens to not be of the man-loving variety, said several times, "Men mean what they say. It's not some big mystery. What he says, is what he means."
While I think that's true for the most part, I don't think it's the be-all-end-all. In my experience if a man is saying what you want to hear, then perhaps you might not ought to trust it. If he's saying something that's hard for you to hear, then that's usually pretty right on. Men can be as manipulative as women are, and by the time they make it to their 20s, they're on to the same games that women are.
So. What I try to remember more than "believe him when he speaks" (which is a principle I tend to operate under), I find that much more, it's his actions that make the difference. For instance: while the PSB says he wants me and wants to spend time with me, in a year's time, he couldn't figure out how to do it and stood me up.
Ultimately, words are easy to come by, and while they're nice...if that's all there is, it's empty.
The frozen dinner was OK. Not great, but not bad. Not enough. I'm still hungry, but not quite certain what I would eat if I was deciding to eat something. The hummus is good, but I don't know if I want that right now. *sigh*
Found my insurance card. Will call and make the girlie doctor appointment tomorrow. *sigh*
I think I'm going to bed. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, and I have some stuff I need to get done tomorrow morning.
I'm oddly disquieted this evening. Not sure what's going on. This would be a good time for a wander.
Evening Update
Two of my colleagues came up to me this afternoon and told me that I looked like I was really losing weight. She asked if it was about 20 pounds. I don't think it's anywhere near that. Maybe 10. At most 15. The pants I was wearing today have tabs on the side with two different buttons that you can attach the tabs to. I had to move the tab to the tighter button today because they were too loose.
The doggie and I walked again this afternoon. I'm thinking that here within the next week or so, we'll need to go ahead and perhaps start running a little. We were walking fast enough that it was right on that cusp of it being easier to run than to walk.
I'm not entirely sure I'm doing this weight loss thing healthfully, even though I know what I should be doing. Breakfast is a piece of cheese and a Nutrigrain bar. Lunch is a piece of cheese and a 100 calorie pack of something. Maybe a piece of fruit if I've remembered to bring it. Dinner is usually whatever is left-over. I'm not hungry, though, so I guess it's OK. Tonight I'm having the Kashi Cilantro Lime Shrimp. We'll see how that goes. It may wind up being a baked potato.
My friend Barb just called about another house. I'm going to look at it on Friday evening. It's pushing my price point, so we'll see. I haven't heard from the other woman in a couple of days, though, so...
Thinking about going to see Johnny Lang next weekend. Maybe.
Morning Update
Ughhhhh. I laid down at midnight but I didn't get to bed until closer to 1:00. I'm pretty sensitive to noise (and light) while I'm trying to fall asleep. Once I'm asleep, eh. But when I'm trying to get there, it's particularly vexing. Even after the noise and the light went away last night, I was waiting for it to come back.
I'm gonna be later than I want to be this morning. Feel like I'm moving through molasses.
Evening Update
Tina Turner is coming out of retirement. I sent Betsy an email seeing if she wanted to go see her in Atlanta. We shall see if she responds. I had a great time when the Sner and I went to see her on her "farewell" tour.
Walked the doggie again this evening. So strangers in the park tonight. Maybe the weather brought them out. We ran into the some older guy with his older yellow lab (12.5 years), Clutch Cargo? Or something like that. He must have talked to me for 20 minutes. Cob was such a good dog during that time. She really wanted to play with the older dog, but she sat there. At one point, she just laid down on the ground. Clutch had a tennis ball, and she was desperate to play. When she finally gave him and turned to chase after the ball after the old guy threw it by her, he sid she was "out of control" and a "wild one" and they needed to be going. OK. Whatever. We just were happy to keep on our walk unimpeded.
I need to get a bigger memory card for my phone. I think what I have is 512, but I want a 2 gb. I'm pretty sure my phone doesn't support a larger capacity. I just had to delete a bunch of music so I could make room for my walking mixes. (Sony Memory Stick Micro if you're thinking of getting me a lil pressie)
I just contributed to Shan's fundraising goal for the Denver Race for the Cure. As y'all remember, Meta passed away of metastatic breast cancer on July 4. I won't be fundraising for the Louisville Race since I raised a whole bunch of funds for the Jackson race. But I will be participating. My friend LK is supposed to come down from her new home in Indiana to participate with me. I just registered the both of us for the race. Should be fun. Since we're both poor, I don't anticipate that we'll be doing a whole lot outside of the race. LK is a happy, out-doorsy kinda girl too, so I image we can be happy with picnics in the park and that sort of thing. I'll have to think of an appropriate pre- and post-drink. Prolly after, I'm thinking some sparkling pink wine. Something pink to start the morning. Since it's Race for the Cure and breast cancer awareness.
So, today I went into a colleague's office (the same colleague who invited me to the bbq) to ask her a question, and we wound up having a long conversation about sex. There was another woman in the office and one thing led to another. I can't remember exactly how it got started, but someone they said they could fix me up with an engineer...as long as I didn't mind awful sex. Then we were off on a tangent about men who don't know what they're doing contrasted with "the one".
It's funny--sorta--that the topic came up because if you'll recall my Labor Day weekend pornographic break? Well...it might have been about that very thing. Kinda of a categorization of former lovers. Strengths. Weaknesses. The things that I liked...the things I don't miss. Yeah. *sigh* Probably not the thing to be thinking about when I'm here by myself.
I need to find my clear nailpolish. My manicure is still looking really good, but the tips are starting to wear after 4 days.
Kinda hungry, but it's too late to eat. Plus, my pants were literally sliding off my hips today. I forgot my belt, so I had to keep holding my pants up. I got up from my desk in my office and they slide right on down. Good thing I was wearing panties...and good thing I was in my office.
Which reminds me, I need to remember to call the girlie doctor tomorrow and see about getting an appointment. I actually had a regular cycle this time around. Hallelujah. I also need to call the dentist and make an appointment there. Ughh. Not looking forward to either of those appointments. Kinda thinking about having my IUD removed. It's been in for 8 years now, and the effectiveness is 10. I'm not in a position where I need it for birth control, and I kinda don't want foreign objects inside of me right now (well...I could make an exception). Louisville has got to be big enough that if I want to have it re-inserted, I should be able to find a doctor...or a nurse practioner...to re-do it for me.
I should be in the bed. It's late. I have to get up early. *sigh*
Morning Update
I feel like a broken record saying I'm tired, but it's the truth. I didn't hit the hay until after midnight. Rolled out of the bed around 5:45, which is much later than I wanted it to be.
Yesterday was all about teaching and missing folks and getting in shape. I don't think I have any meetings tonight, so I should be able to come home, get myself and the doggie out the door for some serious walking (downloaded some mixes with a really high bpm). After that it will be on to looking for a place to live.
I'm trying to get the coffee out of the cup. It's not working very well for me. I suppose that's OK because the boy is supposed to be here this evening with a screwdriver to fix it for me. *grin*
Last night a friend of mine was out on a date. I told her she should leave the panties at home. (they've been dating awhile) She said that she couldn't get used to not wearing panties. My response was that meant she just needed to leave them at home more often. LOL!
Evening Update
I wrote a bunch of stuff that I thought I wanted to talk about tonight, stuff I wrote about but now I'm not so sure that I really want to put it out there. You know?
So...maybe by the time I get through here, I'll have changed my mind.
I spent this morning in a classroom where a teacher is struggling. Really, really struggling. I think I'll be in that classroom quite a bit. My first year of teaching and being a brand new teacher seems like it was so far away. I didn't have the particular problems that this teacher is having. While I'm not at all sure that I was a good teacher, I could manage the classroom. It's such a critical piece of teaching, and it's hard to really help teachers who are struggling understand that. They know they're frustrated, but they don't know at all how to fix the problem.
If you're a good classroom manager, you can disguise the fact that you're not the best teacher. If you can make it look like students are doing what they're supposed to be doing, many people will leave you alone. I think that's the kind of teacher I was. I handled discipline and took care of business, and that made up for my short-comings in covering the content. The problem is, for those who haven't grasped that the key to classroom management is procedures, consistency, and consequences, or worse, those who believe that they've got that piece of it already...what do you do?
I'm hopeful that this teacher is going to get it. He's great at mimicking what you do, following your lead...and really, I think what his problem is that he doesn't have enough for the students to do. They've not established the expectation that they come into that classroom to do work, nor has the expectation been established that there are consequences for their choices. I had a conversation with a couple of boys about that very thing, and then when I couldn't take it anymore and jumped in to assist because it was going nowhere fast, that's what I kept telling the students. "You have a choice to make, but know that when you choose the behavior, you're choosing the consequence. Act a fool, and we won't take our bathroom break."
I dunno.
Heard back from one of the places I'm looking at. Sounds promising. Close to new shopping, quiet, older neighborhood...The owner said she'd send me pictures or meet me at the property to take a look as soon as the current tenant is out. So. We'll see. I still have some calls to make and a little driving to do tomorrow. I've pretty much convinced myself that while the place near the Memorial Forest would be nice, it's almost twice what I was paying in Hattiesburg. While I'm making almost twice what I did in Hattiesburg, the point is to save some money and pay off some bills. Can't do that if I'm blowing it all on rent. You know?
The doggie and I went for a walk this afternoon. Since I was sick, it wasn't a good for me to be out. Or at least I didn't feel like it. Decided to suck it up today. I also found the head phones to my cell, which meant that I could listen to my MP3s while I was walking. Put it on a podrunner mix with a fairly fast beat. It's really amazing how much of a difference that makes. No stroll for us today. We were moving and really breaking a sweat even though it was a cooler afternoon. I downloaded a few more mixes with a faster bpm, so I think we're going to try it again. The pants I wore today were lose. A month, I didn't wear them because they were a little on the tight side. So. Good deal.
Did you know you can get biscuits and gravy at Dairy Queen. Really? When did Dairy Queen start opening for breakfast?
When I was at the store this evening, I saw a whole bunch of jobs available. I briefly toyed with the idea of a second job. I don't know if that's something I really want to even contemplate. If I get a second job, when am I going to work on my dissertation? So. That idea is on the back burner for now. It might could get revived later on.
Talked to a friend this evening while I was wandering around the grocery store, unable to figure out what the hell to buy for the next week's worth of meals. I have no desire for more chicken or beans. I eventually settled on some potatoes. I suppose I'll do baked potatoes and some salad. Picked up a couple of Kashi frozen dinner things. I typically don't do the frozen dinner thing because of the sodium content. With a tendency towards high blood pressure, it's not the best idea for me, plus it's not all that cost effective most of the time.
At any rate, talking to my friend, who is still in Hattiesburg, she says to me, I think the boy misses you. I know he does. He's told me. I believe him. I miss him, too. I missed him before I left because I never got to see him as much as I would have liked. There was always a chance, though, that I would get to see him. Being here, it's a different story, and that's a little harder to deal with. I'll go back to Mississippi for Christmas (I won't be able to afford to fly home to Nevada for Christmas and driving is out of the question). Beth has already told me that I'm expected "home". But just because I'll be there doesn't mean I'll see him.
I have a really hard time letting go of people once I let them in. I don't let people in easily, so it's a big deal. And now he's gone. Or rather I'm gone. I'm not inclined to let...or to want to let...anyone else in right now. I don't want a lot of people close to me; I'm still very much that little girl who was off on her bike, heading away from civilization, wandering alone but not lost. Given the totality of my personal history, it's just hard. So very hard to allow myself to be that vulnerable to someone else.
I don't know where I was going with that. I'm tired. I need to go to bed. It's late.
Morning Update
Yesterday's home hunting.
I have a kitten on my shoulder. The doggie is at my feet. It's almost a Rockwell picture.
I'm tired, and I don't want to go to work, but that's what I'm supposed to do, so that's what I'm going to do. I have a workshop that I can go to tonight, but I'm thinking I might skip it in favor of driving out to see a couple of places. I dunno.
Gotta go. Gotta get ready. Y'all have a good day.
Late Evening Update
Finding a place to live shouldn't be this hard. I have a couple of things in mind. One of them I feel the best about, but I'm not sure of the neighborhood. It's very, very close to lots of shopping, but I don't know. I checked the LMPD website and there haven't been any incidents in that neighborhood...any at all...in the last 30 days. Although I don't know the address, I drove down the street (the cross street was listed), and while the houses are older and small (I'm looking at a 2 bed, 1 bath), it seemed to be a neat and tidy little place. Community center on the block, some older people sitting on their porches or in lawn chairs on the front lawn.
Another is out more in the woods and is a little more than I was willing to spend, but. It would still be doable, though. It's next to the Memorial Forest where the doggie and I like to hike. That setting kinda speaks to my soul a little, but I don't know if I want to take care of something that big. Guess I need to ride by and check it out. It's bigger than I need as well. Which just means that people can come visit.
There are two near my school (on the east side of the parkway) and the park where we hiked today. They're about two blocks off the parkway, so not getting into diciness. Although, when I ran those through the LMPD site, both had been burglarized in the last month. I suppose to be expected as they are vacant. I'll still give them a call tomorrow, though. Not that I necessarily want to be that close to school, but being minutes from the park would be wonderful.
You know how I woke up this morning missing someone? It hasn't gone away. I'd like to be curled up on the couch with him, even though the couch isn't down here. I'd like to have been wandering through the woods with him.
My horoscope says that I need to be out and circulating the evening of the 11th. That new love will be waiting for me if I'm out in search of it. (do I need to say it?) That it's supposed to be the best day I will have and have had for years. OK. There are a couple of problems with that...the first being that I wouldn't even know where to go find it, unless it's at the park walking my doggie. The second is that I have an extended day at work that day. I dunno.
Making coffee. Going to bed. It's late. Dammit.
But before I go...funny story: yesterday I was invited to church. Rather than getting into the whole, complex, shocking I-don't-believe thing...I told them I was Catholic. There was an "Oh" and all mention of religion was dropped. I didn't really want to go to a black Baptist church.
Mid-morning Update
Went out yesterday and met some new people.
It's cloudy and cool here this morning. I'm trying to get motivated right now to get out and take that doggie for a walk. I was thinking that we would go out to the memorial forest and hike, but I don't know if I have the energy to do that. We might just go to Iroquois Park and hike around out there since that's one we haven't been to yet.
This morning was one of those mornings where it sucks to be living alone. This would have been a morning to stay in bed. Lazy, leisurely, sweet. Maybe pancakes for breakfast afterwards. That would have been a good morning. *sigh*
Instead of walking the doggie, I'm looking at rental.com and a few other websites. Trying to find a home. Some of the girls that I work with gave me a few ideas about neighborhoods, but I don't really know where those are. When I'm looking at addresses for places, I really have no clue what I'm looking at.
I think I'm going to go back to bed. *sigh*
Early Evening Update
Home from the cook-out. Had a good time. Along with my colleague, I was the only white face in the house. Listened to some amazing stories, had some excellent ribs. I can see myself going back. The matriarch of the family was there, as was several of my colleague's brother-in-laws. One of them is 70. You could have knocked me over with a feather. No way did he look like he was 70. Maybe 50. And momma was 88!!! No way she looked a day over 60.
One of the ladies I met tonight is also a PhD candidate. She's at the same stage I am...ready to write her dissertation. If she and I hit it off, it's possible we could be a support for each other in that regards. Maybe get together and write one day a week or something. Before I left to come back and let my doggie out and feed her (three hours later than she's used to. Bad mommy. Bad, bad mommy), she asked me what I was doing in terms of social activities. When I said not a lot right this minute, she said she wasn't either, and maybe we could get together and do something. Ok with me.
I thought about going to a movie this evening, but I'm actually pretty tired tonight...and I needed to have dinner.
I was going to say something else, but I'm not sure there's really a point to it. It pains me, but I don't think I have a right to be pained. So. Yeah. Keeping that one to myself.
I think the doggie and I are going to hike tomorrow. We'll get up early and go down to the Memorial Forest. Then come home and do work. Ugh. I don' wanna do work.
Early Afternoon Update
Have gone and gotten my nails done this morning. It was a really good mani/pedi, and I have some writing I want to do about that...some childhood memories it evoked...but it's going to have to wait. I didn't go to the same place I did last time. Paid $3 more for the services, and it was about 30 times better. So. When I go back, that's where I'll be going.
Did a very little shopping. Got a cute shirt on clearance at TJ Maxx. Will wear it to the cook-out/BBQ that I'm going to here shortly. It's a lovely peachy color so it's going to go quite nicely with all those brown slacks I bought.
Need to get in the shower now. Have to get myself presentable. Gonna shave my lower legs. Heh. I don't care enough to shave all of my legs. And besides, no one is going to be feeling them anyway. So. Yeah.
I'm actually a little nervous about going to this thing. There's going to be a lot of people there that I don't know. That provokes a little bit of anxiety. But. It's something I need to do, but more importantly, it's something I have to do. It's time to start getting out and meeting people and making a full life for myself here. So. That's what I'm going to do. Even though I might really rather be hanging out poolside with friends who have been left behind. Or sitting on the couch watching a movie with someone. Those things are in the past now, and as much as I might want to have them back, that's not a possibility right now.
Very Early Morning Update
I suppose it was a better day. Right now, though, I'm feeling a bit like telling the world to fuck off.
September 4, 2008
Late Evening Update
It was another crappy day. My head is killing me, and I was so busy today that I didn't a chance to call the doctor (sorry the boy...I really meant to but every time I had a minute to sit down, someone else was knocking on my office door).
I came home really wanting a drink, but I didn't have one until about 8. Opened a bottle of wine because I had pasta with red sauce and hot italian sausage for dinner. I'm not really all that interested in finishing the wine, but I don't know what else to do with it but drink it.
I had a really hard time getting going this morning. I got up earlier this morning than I have all week, but somehow I was out the door later than I have been all week. *sigh* I laid in the bed and snuggled with my puppy for a little while this morning. A very little while.
I went shopping when I got home tonight because I wanted a necklace to wear with the outfit I have planned for tomorrow. Most of y'all know that I'm not all that into fashion, and the only jewelry that I wear is the stuff in my piercings. But I wanted a necklace. For some stupid reason. I got one too. And a pair of earrings. (don't ask. I don't know) I also picked up...on clearance...a thing of roomspray ($1.57) and a scented oil warmer (Black Fig...so good...$2.04). The entire downstairs smells much better. When you combine whatever the smell that was here before with a doggie...it can be overwhelming. Not sure what I'll do when I run out of Black Fig oil, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Can I tell you how much I'm looking forward to this weekend? It's been a crappy week. I have a cook-out to attend on Saturday, but I'm thinking about seeing about finding the closest lake and taking my puppy on Sunday. It's supposed to be in the mid-80s. Going back to Green River Lake is out of the question as it's too far away. There has to be something closer, though. I just need to look for it. Or ask the guy that I work with every morning. He's a big outdoorsman. He should know.
The fabulous skirt that I bought at Macy's for $6 almost four weeks ago is loose. Almost slipping off my hips big. That's even with not having exercised in the past week. The skirt needs to be taken in, but I don't know how to do it. I don't even know if "taking it in" is possible due to the kind of skirt that it is. Even though it only cost me $6 (or more accurately right now, my Sner), I'd hate to think that I won't get much wear out of it. It's really cute. I guess if I can't figure it out myself (and I probably can't. I'm not that smart and for some stupid reason my Sner and GrandSner didn't bother to teach me (really) how to sew), then the Sner and GrandSner will need to be prepared to work some magic when I come home at Thanksgiving. By then, it will hopefully need much more taken in than it does now.
Have just been invited out for drinks tomorrow night with some of the people I work with. I'm going to go because I think I need to go and because I think I need to be making some friends. Or acquaintances. Or whatever. I have a meeting tomorrow at the end of the day, and I think I may could use a drink or two after that. (the drinking is about two miles from the house, so if worst comes to worst, I can crawl my ownself back) Now I just gotta figure out what bottle of wine I'm taking with me. *sigh* Am I gonna go buy one or am I going to take one of the ones that I have here? Decisions, decisions, decisions. I may just take a 7 Deadly Zins. Those are always good. Potent. But good.
I need to go to bed. John McCain is putting me to sleep.
September 3, 2008
Late Evening Update
The ice cream didn't help. I only ate about half of it. The doggie appreciated the car ride, though. I opened a beer for dinner, and I didn't manage to finish that either. *sigh*
I need to go to bed. I was up too late last night. Somehow my phone wound up behind the headboard, on the floor. When the alarm went off, it took me quite awhile to find it. Getting my hand down there to get it and turn the alarm off was a chore. I actually have bruises on my right arm from getting it down between the headboard and the mattress. *sigh* Only bruises I've managed to collect in awhile.
The PSB started in again this evening. Asked me if I wanted to be his dirty little girl. Told him no. Not interested. Didn't go well. *sigh* Guess this is just my time to have difficult conversations. Mercury turns retrograde sometime this month. I think all of these communications troubles are too early for it.
Anyway. Going to bed. Sorry there's not more.
Evening Update
Think I am running a fever. Came home and took a short nap. Woke up and can't get warm. Have on a sweater. Even though it's 86 outside. I got the name and number of a doctor that's supposed to be good, and I think I'm going to give him a call tomorrow. He's like three minutes from school. I also got the names of a couple of good gynecologists, so I suppose I'll be making a call to one of them as well.
Today wasn't a much better day, and I have a ton of stuff that needs to be done tonight. Need to put a bunch more data in a spreadsheet. It seems like just when I get where I think I'm done with regard to that, someone else sends me some more data that needs to be included.
Didn't get around to walking the doggie, and I feel bad about that.
Thinking about going and getting a fried ice cream blast. My period has started, and I'm just icky drained. Ice cream goodness might help.
Talked to the boy for a long time last night. It's strange that I talk to him now more than I did when I was there. I appreciate what it is now. He's extremely supportive, and I'm really not sure what I would have done without him recently. I'm sad that we didn't have this when I was a couple of miles away, but I'm glad we have it now. I sure do miss him, though.
Have been invited to a cook-out this weekend. Apparently there's going to be 40-50 people there. I'm a little over-whelmed by that number, and the only person that I'll know will be the person who invited me, but that's OK. It will be good for me to go and meet people and get out. Suggestions for a hostess gift-thingie? It's going to be like a neighborhood cook-off because apparently there are several self-proclaimed "grill masters" in the area.
September 2, 2008
Evening Update
I don't feel better. The doggie and I went for a very long walk, but it didn't help.
I'd talk about what's bothering me, but then I'd have to answer questions about it. I don't have *any* space that's mine. No physical space, no emotional space, NOTHING. It makes me very, very cranky.
Afternoon Update
To read about the weekend adventures, you'll need to go two different places. Here. And here. Photographic evidence can be found here.
September 1, 2008
Evening Update
I'm back. Even though I don't want to be. The doggie is washed and smelling fresh, which is a good thing because she didn't smell so hot after having been in the lake for three days and sitting around a campfire for an equal amount of time. I probably don't smell much better either. There was a lot of stuff I was going to write about when I got home, but right now I can't remember it because I'm annoyed.
I have photos from the trip, and I wrote while I was gone...
September 1, 2008
Green River Lake, Chair in the water, Feet floating up, Doggie at my side
I'd planned to stay all day but I'm almost out of sunscreen. I don't think the emergency tube is still in the trunk. Even if it were, I doubt it would be effective after two or three years. I'll look anyway, though. I suppose in the worst case scenario, I get 2-3 hours lakeside (It is SPF 5. Supposedly). Worse than that I fry. I guess I'm OK with that. Really. I'd rather not, but if it means not heading back now, I'm all for it.
Talked to Beth this morning. Hurricane is going in south of Houma. Around Cocodrie. I've been there. It's a tiny place, very poor. Some pics from there...
The storm going in south of New Orleans means that there's not a big chance that Hattiesburg is in terrible danger is low. Granted they'll get rain (up to 10" according to Beth) and wind, but it won't be like Katrina and that's good. Everyone can breath a bit easier. Hopefully that means the boy won't be in any danger.
There's a dragonfly resting on my notebook. He's just hanging out there. He was on my knee. Dragonflies are actually quite ugly creatures. When you get a look at their faces up-close...*shudder*...Their wings and coloring can be incredible but the rest of them--ick. Makes me wonder if all those girls who get pretty dragonfly tattoos have ever really seen a dragonfly.
Going to look for sunscreen. Be right back. No emergency stash. Dammit.
The dragonfly is back on my knee. A wake has come in. It makes the water hit the bottom of my chair which in turn makes my ass wet. Good thing it's hot and I'm in a bathing suit.
I don't know if I have any more truths to tell today. In the light of day, nothing much appears to need to be uncovered.
The doggie and I are at the crappy beach--one that's not really a beach. That means that we're all by ourselves here except for the occasional boat that launches 100' away. We went to the nice sandy beach yesterday, intending to be social, but there was a huge sign that said NO PETS. That's OK. We'll take ourselves off to the rocky outcrop and enjoy ourselves just the same. The fancy beach does have a store where I could buy sunscreen, though (I could leave the dog and go get some...people might think I was in the bathroom)...
Just got slammed by a wave that wet my notebook. I suppose that's the chance you take when writing in the water. I could stay out here forever. I really could. I'd need some aqua socks and sunscreen...some cold beverages might be nice...but that's about it.
A family on a pontoon boat has pulled in about 50' away. The dad and the kids are playing in the water. Mom, grandma, and grandpa are under and umbrella on shore.
A fish just broke the surface. Pretty cool.
*Pornographic writing break...which none of you get to read. Well...some of you might get to read. If you ask very sweetly.*
Goodness. That was longer than I intended for it to be. Whew. I'm not exactly sure what inspired those particular thoughts, but criminy.
*Pornographic break over*
I miss the boy.
Last Updated October 1, 2008
This page is the copyright property of Jen. Please direct any comments or questions to her by clicking on this email link.