September 2007

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Daily Wonderings

September 2007

September 30, 2007

I can't believe that another month is already over. Where does the time go? I have some decisions to make, and I have to make them now. Something has to give, and I've got to get it done now.

Went to the Pecan Festival. *sigh* I think the ride there was better than the actually festival. It was a beautiful day in south Mississippi. While the fall doesn't really bring a change of color, it is gorgeous in its own way. Unbroken blue skies. Temperatures in the 80s. Breezes that portend the coming chill...and you know that it won't be that cold. Just enough to make you want a sweater and someone to snuggle with.

Polly and I were supposed to go to the Pecan Festival yesterday, but we didn't make it that far. We went to Chili's for lunch and had a couple of beers. Then we stopped in the sports bar and had a few more beers. The boys then started buying us shots. I think I had one shot of Patron, two-maybe three-shots of Jager, some watermelon thing, and some red thing the bartender concocted. On top of the beers. Woo-boy. I'm not going to tell you all that happened, but suffice to say that it was a good time. I might have sent a few text messages that I probably shouldn't have, but there's nothing that can be done about that now.

I woke up about 3:30 this morning and needed some advil and water. Took two pills, downed 32 ozs of water, and went back to sleep. Woke up at 7:30, right as rain.

I made lasagna for dinner tonight. I think this was the best I've ever made. It's always been a little hit or miss for me, but tonight's was almost orgasmic. That good. Maybe it was the sauce.

I was thinking about cooking while I was putting the lasagna together, and I was trying to remember what I used to cook for Dax. I never made him lasagna because mine wasn't as good as his mom's. I made spaghetti a lot, but it was never as good as his dad's. I think we put tri-tips on the grill quite often. I made that campell's chicken and rice bake a lot. But I can't remember what else I used to cook for him. I cooked a lot because he didn't know how, but what all of those dishes were, I can't quite recall. Interesting. Those years get further and further away from me and I lose the details. Surely I wasn't a very inventive cook. We were poor. I'm sure I made the same things over and over again.

Bret Michaels chose Jess on Rock of Love. That makes me happy. I don't have anything against strippers, but it bothered me that Heather didn't know how to present herself as anything different, and it bothered me that she wasn't attuned to his illness. So. I think he made a really good choice. I wonder if they're still together. Those things tend not to work, so my guess is no.

I suppose I should be thinking about things more weighty. Like cooperative learning. I have got to get a bunch of objectives and an agenda put together along with finding some materials for the whole thing. I'm a little uneasy. There's only a week before I'm going to have to do this thing for real. *sigh*

Did I see that my Cowboys are now 4-0? Hell yeah! I'm hoping that they continue to do well. I'm always waiting, though, for them to screw it up. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have them dashed by the 'boys propensity to melt-down.

I have to get up early in the morning to go walk the puppy. I really don't like getting up that early, but it's good for us. So, that's what we'll do. Other than being good for us, though, it wears that puppy out. A tired puppy makes me happy. It means that she doesn't race around the house. It means she doesn't try to get into the chair with me. Those are good things.

Anyway. I need to go to bed if this puppy and I are getting up. *sigh*

September 28, 2007

Just finished putting up the teaching stuff. The notes from NCTE are now online, so if you were wondering where those were...missing them, then it's now ready to go. I need to put some of my professional development stuff online. Maybe tomorrow I'll spend some time getting photo albums updated. That just takes so much time. Ughhh.

Have I mentioned that I hate

I'm intoxicated. I have yet to have dinner, and I have had 2/3s of a bottle of wine. I have sauce cooking in the crockpot so I can make lasagna on Sunday. I'm thinking that I'll make a sandwich, although it's kinda late to eat. I am hungry, though. Hmmmm...

Anyone catch their moon as it was rising? Moons are only beautiful when they're on their way up or down. When they're directly overhead, they're too far away and small but when they're rising or setting, it's almost like you could reach right out and touch them. It also makes me feel incredibly small. It's so big and such an awesome thing...and here's me. I get that same feeling when I look at the ocean or stretches of mountains that go on forever.

Ohmigod, I make some incredible spaghetti sauce. Dax's dad's sauce be damned. Mine is so much better than anything Doug could ever make. Yum. Still think I'm going to make a sandwich.

Watched Expose on PBS tonight. It was about the cover-up of sexual abuse within the Boy Scouts in Idaho. It makes me so angry. We are charged with protecting children. They are helpless...weaker than us. And we are supposed to protect them from harm...because they can't do it themselves. Yet the BSA and the Mormon church let someone that they knew was a pedophile run rampant among children. They put him in positions of authority and allowed him to harm child after child. What the hell is wrong with people? How do we get to the point where we are willing to sell our children out for what? The freedom from embarrassment?

It makes me so mad.

I've got to figure out how to keep the puppy from begging. She never gets food from me, but it doesn't stop her from being underfoot when I'm in the kitchen or when I sit down to eat. I guess that means that from now on she'll need to be crated when I eat. *sigh*

Anyone going to be going out and buying Bruce Springsteen's new CD on Tuesday? I've come to love him more in my old age. He and the E Street Band are going back on tour. Through the end of the year, they'll be no where near me, but I'm hoping that after the first of the year, he'll maybe make Atlanta or Memphis. That would certainly be a show that I would pay to go see. Love some Springsteen.

I've been really tired the last couple of days. And sad. I hate PMS. I don't get pissy, but good lord do I get sad. It lasts about 36 hours, and then I'm OK again. Tomorrow morning I should be fine, but right now? Lordy.

Anyway. I'm tired. Going to bed. We're going to the Richton Pecan Festival tomorrow. Maybe I can get my picture taken on the mechanical bull. Again.

September 27, 2007

I was busy at work. No time to read and very little time to screw around today. I guess that's the way that it's supposed to work, huh?

I'm doing a professional development workshop in a little over a week. Little nervous about that. It's going to be all me. For the entire time. And it's going to be a subject that I don't have a lot of precise knowledge of. I guess I'm going ot have some work to do in the next week. I really hope that it goes well.

Having wine for dinner tonight. Temptation Zinfandel. Really good. Making me happy.

Too much else to not say and say and keep sealed inside. Sorry. Think I'm going to bed again.

September 26, 2007

I can't believe that it's 8:30 and I'm ready to go to bed. I'm so tired. I was on the phone with the PSB until about 12:30. Then woke up early to go for a walk with the puppy. I thought that I wanted to sleep in, but she's already gotten used to getting up and going early. So we went. And we went again at lunch. And then when we got home. Three days in a row. Happy and tired puppy...tired mommy.

The SCB did not come over for dinner. That's OK; I understand.

Big decision to make in the next couple of days. I think I know what I"m going to do, but explaining it is another thing all together.

Yeah. I think I'm going to bed. I don't have anything else to say.

September 25, 2007

The SCB got a new tattoo this evening. I haven't seen it yet, but if he comes for dinner tomorrow night, I will. He says that it's AWESOME.

I have to say, I'm a little jealous. I enjoy the process of getting a tattoo. Thinking about it, planning it, turning it over in my mind. And then actually getting it...which is a bit of a turn-on, I have to say. I know that I want an etching, which is not a tattoo perse, but for the last couple of months (since I got my last tattoo really), I've been thinking about what a next one would be. I know where I would put it, which is always the first step...and I'm getting closer to ideas about what I would actually have it be. There are some ideas percolating around in my brain.

Don't worry...won't be getting it any time soon. Will need to be skinnier than I currently am and would need a great deal of money to get what I'm thinking about. And I don't even know that what I'm thinking about is what I would ultimately wind up with.

The puppy and I have walked morning, noon, and night the last two days. It's good for me. I think it's good for her. I'm almost about ready to say that I'd like to start doing some intervals with her, but I don't think she's old enough yet. Because she's a large doggie, I don't want to do any damage to her joints.

Speaking of walking and exercise and stuff, read this article today. It's interesting, that's for sure. I think about the last two mornings when I've gone for a walk, and been starved by about 11 in the morning, even though I had breakfast. There might be something to it. Maybe. I dunno. The puppy hasn't been getting anymore food, probably to her dismay, so we don't have to worry about fat doggies. Which reminds me...gotta measure her so her grandSner can make her a sweater.

I think I've decided that I love liquid eyeliner. I bought a cheap thing of Maybelline this weekend, and I absolutely love what it does for my eyes. Actually maybe what I love most is that it stays. For some reason, regular eyeliner doesn't last very long on my eyelids. So far this liquid stuff is doing the trick. I'm thinking that maybe this weekend I'll play a little with a cateye effect see how that goes. It's supposed to be big this fall. We'll see.

My horoscope says that my soul is feeling a stirring right now. That I am feeling unsettled in spirit, deeper than thought or emotion. If I look within with all my senses, supposedly my intuitive self will provide me with the answers and guidance I require. I have been feeling quite out of sorts the last few weeks. I'm not exactly sure what the deal is, but I'd like to figure it out here real quick. I'm looking for something. Searching. And not finding it. Perhaps I'm not focusing all of my senses on it. Maybe I have one thinking about something else.

September 23, 2007

The puppy is again being rotten. We went outside, and she refused to do her thing. Come back in, not in the house five minutes and she peed and pooed on the sunflower rug. Bad, bad, bad dog. She's spent most of the day in her crate because she cannot get in the habit of doing her thing wherever she chooses. Bad doggie.

Also had to give her a bath. I think I've really got to get another shower head to change in and out when it's time to bathe her. It's a ton of freakin' work.

Anyway. So. The boy came over Friday night, and we had a discussion. He said that he's looking for someone to do things with...go to movies, talk to, have a good time, go to museums (although he then said that he didn't go to museums. *grin*). But not a relationship. Not necessarily sex, but that's always a bonus. And I told him that after having been alone for a really long time, I'm looking for those same things. And necessarily sex.

I want sex. Not ashamed to say it. So there. I said it.

And then he said, "You're going to fall in love with me. That's what happens." I have to laugh at that statement. It is entirely possible that I will fall in love with him, if this all works out the way he says. It's also equally possible that he will fall in love with me. And he probably doesn't know what my being in love with someone means. Without being arrogant and conceited or any of those things, I think being in a relationship with me is different. Maybe I'm deluded, but...I'm not jealous. I'm not possessive. And when you don't want to be with me, I'm going to say OK. "It's over; I don't love you anymore." OK. Because I love you, I want you to be happy, and if you're not happy with me, then you need to go somewhere else, be with someone else. "I'm going to New Orleans this weekend, and I'm asking the woman I'm going with to marry me." OK. I can't agree with your reasoning, but I'm sure you've given it a lot of consideration. So. OK.

Plus there's that whole thing about not knowing for sure if I know what love is or if I'm capable of it. It is entirely possible that by force of habit I've become way too detached. Just a thought.

So. He has a new moniker. The SCB. The Second Chance Boy. (which is better than the STAB...the Second Time Around Boy)

Because this whole thing is supposed to be about having someone to do something with, I invited him to dinner tonight. I made carnitas. He already had plans, so maybe some other night. And that's fine. Now that I know what's up, I have no angst. Or little angst.

Not sure what's going on with the PSB. Haven't really talked to him in over a week now.

It's rained here off and on all day. Kinda a gray day.

Went to BAM today. I wanted to buy a new journal, and they didn't have what I wanted. They had little journals in everything but unlined. I could have gotten a sketchbook, but it had many fewer pages. Do people really need lines to write? *sigh* I guess maybe I'll have to order it online. That kinda sucks rocks.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Loaded some songs on my phone. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that I can use the songs on my phone as ring tones. And that kinda sucks. *sigh* Oh well. I suppose that everything can't be totally perfect. It's still pretty damn cool. I'll take it on a walk tomorrow morning when the puppy and I go. We'll see how that works for us.

I wanted to say something about the new Attorney General pick, but my heart isn't really in it. Maybe tomorrow.

September 22, 2007

Well. I got my hairs cut. It's cute, but it's shorter than I wanted. I suppose here in a few weeks it'll be perfect.

If you look very closely, you can see the silver hair sticking straight out of the top of my head. The highlights are supposed to be cover that. Oops.

Since I was on the coast, I decided to drive over to Mobile to World Market. I needed (or rather wanted) a few bottles of wine, and as it was only an 35 mile drive, I figured what the hey. Good thing. Wine is on sale at World Market. Picked up 7 bottles and probably $10 worth of imported chocolates (I like that crunchie bar)for $70.

My puppy has been rotten today. She has had two accidents in the house. No attempt to let me know she needed to go out. Just peed and pooed. Rotten dog. She's in her crate. If I can't trust her to not potty in the house, then she stays in the crate. I bought her new toys today too. Damn dog.

So, I think I'm OK with whatever is going on with the boy. More about that tomorrow. I'm tired, and I'm going to bed.

September 20, 2007

I feel philosophical and like there should be something profound coming out of me. It's like there's this big thing on the tip of my tongue, just waiting to burst forth. But it's not coming. I can't figure out exactly what it is. It's swirling and percolating and fermenting. Waiting for me to be able to let it go.

In one of the other places that I write, I had this whole big thing about love and trust and leaping. I'm still not convinced that what I've done is the right thing. I'm not sure what it would take for me to feel totally comfortable with this thing that I've set in motion. If it would be possible for me to be comfortable with it. I hate not knowing. I hate being off-balance.

Perhaps that's my lesson this time. To get comfortable with this whole out of control feeling...this not knowing...this being unsure. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I don't want to be confused. I don't want one more thing in my life that is off or unsettled. I want to be able to look at something--anything--and know what it is and what it means. I want to be sure of something. Just one thing I can put my hand on and be content that it is what it is supposed to be.

My phone came. I love it. I haven't played with it all that much, but so far, I love it.

I don't know what else to say tonight. I've gone from being giggly and silly to morose. Feel a bit like puking actually.

September 18, 2007

The big news is that my phone will be here tomorrow. I hope that FedEx leaves it and I don't have to be home to sign for it. That would suck if they don't leave it. *sigh* I forgot to mention that I had a rather unpleasant experience with AT&T customer service yesterday. the first woman that I spoke with was rather bitchy and rude. She put me on hold hoping I was going to hang up. Bitch. I so can't want to get my hands on it. It's seemed like such an ordeal...even though it's only been a week and a half. Guess I don't have enough to worry about, huh?

I'm still trying to have faith. The thing is that I don't know what I'm supposed to have faith in. That he's going to call me the next time he wants to have sex? That he's not going to hurt me? I don't know what this thing is...if it's anything. He and I talked this weekend about the fact that I need to know what's going on. And yet here I am, not knowing what's going on, trying desparately to not force an issue to figure out what it is. Because you know...sometimes it's OK for it to be absolutely nothing. What was that about needing to let go of the control? And having some faith. That's what I'm trying to do.

Because really, it's probably nothing.

I'm tired. And kinda annoyed. I think I'm going to go for a drive and then put myself to bed. Sorry. Not much to say tonight.

September 17, 2007

I put the pictures I took on the camping trip up. They're all there, and hopefully I'll start getting the other pics up as well. It's just such a time consuming process. It took about an hour and a half to modify the pages for the 24 pics in the camping trip.

Cobbler and I got up and went for a half hour walk this morning, and then we went again this evening. I also cleaned up the corner around the chair. It's amazing to me that even though she doesn't get under the chair or behind it, there was so much hair back there. It was disgusting. Have two bags of garbage to get rid of as well. And the printer. It quit working like six months ago. I figure that I can get another one for like $30 these days, so it's not worth it to continue to fight with it, you know? I really need to put up those two shelves in the living room. I can put the books I need for my dissertation up there...have a place to put all of those things so they are at ready access. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow night after I finish cleaning the living room. Or maybe I'll just think about it.

Did I tell you all that I received an invitation to an academic trip to China? I don't know how exclusive the invitation is or how many people they've invited. Anything like that. I do know that it's being sponsored by a reputable company. Unfortunately, I can't afford it. All inclusive, with airfare from LA is $4,995. But when you figure the cost of my trip to LA and being out of work for two weeks, it's getting close to $6,500 for me. There's no way I can afford that. It is flattering to be invited, though.

I have this creeping, expanding doubt. "Have a little faith in me". I'm really, really trying. It's hard, though. The longer I'm by myself, the more I insecure I get. I'm not sure what that is all about, but I'm rattled. I'm not sure how much time I'm going to give it. I hear the lines about not being good enough for me and knowing that he screwed up and can't help but wonder if they're really just a bunch of lines. Designed to get what he wanted. Trying really hard not to be cynical. Really. As I said, though...it's hard.

Anyway. I'm tired. Need to go to bed if we're going for a walk in the dark tomorrow.

September 16, 2007

Oh boy. Interesting weekend. Went to a friend's wedding last night. Looked totally cute in my dress. You can see some pictures here. Putting pictures up on this thing with the page redesign is a bit of a headache. *sigh* I suppose I'll get used to it, and I'll find some time here in the next couple of weeks to finish getting the rest of my pics on the site. *sigh*

Weddings. I think most of y'all know that I'm pretty anti-marriage. I just don't see how being married makes a relationship more than two people who love each other without that official sanction. I'd get married if the person I was with was adamant about it, really wanted us to be married. But it's not something that *I* need. I can be committed to you and make that commitment every day.

But. When you're there at the church, observing it happen for someone else, it's hard not to get caught up in that moment. Watching the families come together. Seeing the way the groom looks at the bride as she comes down the aisle. Listening to the hope and promise in their voices. There's so much...promise.

I have to wonder where it goes wrong for so many couples. How do they go from that moment where they're so consumed with each other to something that can be so incredibly ugly...or sad. Is it because that moment in the church...or in front of the justice of the peace wasn't real to begin with? Or is it because people forget just how powerful that moment was in the first place? In the day-to-day struggles of life, people forget why they're making their way together in the first place? Did they forget that the "for better or worse" is an every day kinda thing and not just those big moments of trial and triumph?

I drank a bit of champagne last night. It was a really good brand. Not too sweet, but just sweet enough. Don't want to think about how much I consumed.

It's kinda hard to not be able to use this place to reveal all the things that cause me turmoil in my life. At this point, though, I think that I probably need to keep a few things to myself. I don't know how I feel about all of what happened. Not that I regret it because that would not be fair to say. I can't go back and undo it, make another choice, which I don't know that I would have anyway. I believe that I made the choice that I was supposed. I just hope that my faith isn't misplaced. That would be a bit too much to swallow. I can live with the choice I made. But it's his behavior that will determine whether it was ultimately a good decision or a bad one.

Which kinda brings me to a thought that I had while in the church. They read I Corinthians 13...which reminds me a lot of a line in "Long Legs" by PorterDavis. "No past ammunitions and no lovin' with conditions." I think that's what I strive for. But when someone has hurt you before, how do you not have some conditions? Is it possible to not always be worried about that? Or can you just let it go? Jump in, unrestrained and unconcerned about where the chips are ultimately going to fall? I think I'm about ready to go full-on, but there's this niggling doubt.

As always, I am wary of being a fool. *sigh*

September 14, 2007

I just got home from shopping. I will be attending a wedding Saturday night, and I needed something appropriate. For once, I actually had a good shopping experience. I picked up six dresses, and all of them fit. Not all of them looked good, but all of them fit. Here's something I don't understand: why people who make clothes for fat chicks don't make the clothing with some structure. I mean...most of us have some pudgy middles. That doesn't look good under flowing, stretchy material. It just doesn't. The one dress that I really liked would have required a foundation garment because of that that fact and even then...I don't know if my personal discomfort would have been worth it. The one that I did buy is also a flowing stretchy fabric, but the skirt is A-line and loose enough that you can't tell.

It really is a great dress, I think. I'm happy with it, and I haven't liked a dress that I've purchased in quite awhile. (I haven't worn a dress in quite a while)

My internet is out. About 20 minutes ago, I was told that it would be fixed "in a few minutes". I figure I'll give them another 25 before I call and ask what the deal is...again. It's kinda funny how dependent upon things you become. I really miss the internet when it's gone.

Anyone watching President Bush? I'm not exactly sure why I am. I am disillusioned with our government. Then again I'm pretty disillusioned in general. That's PMS talking. (TMI, I know. Sorry)

For dinner tonight, I'm having Thai spring rolls from Target. They were on clearance for $1.98. Not bad at all. I have to bake cookies to take to work tomorrow. Actually, I don't have to. I said I would, though, so I will. Some oatmeal pecan and some oatmeal butterscotch. Sounds yummy, huh?

I'm thinking about changing my hair style. Perhaps a bunch of layers around the front...maybe even some really long bangs. What do you think? I've had this basic hairstyle for nigh on to a decade now. It's about time, don't you think?

The puppy was bad this afternoon. I don't put her on a leash when I take her out...for the most part...she's good about staying in the yard. In fact, doesn't ever go out of the yard. However, as I was calling her to come in, the neighbor and the disabled girl she takes care of (looks like perhaps a thalidomide baby) came out the door. Cobbler being the sweet, friendly dog that she is, ran for them as they came down the door. She didn't jump on them. She did jump up near them...she knows better than to jump on someone. The neighbor shrieked at her and hit her a couple of times before I could get to her. *sigh* I understand my puppy was bad, and I understand the reaction. It was still hard to watch.

Anyway. I've got to get the cookies baked.

Yeah...the internets are still not working. *sigh*

I'm still upset about the intolerable cruelty that people can visit upon each other. I continue to be unable to wrap my head around it. And I know this is not something I should allow to bother me so incredibly much. And next week when I'm not PMSing, I'm sure that it won't bother me quite so much. But right now...it does. And that's all I know.

My new phone still has not shipped. I still get four or five emails a day telling me to check the status of my order...and like a fool, I continue to check only to find that the phone is still back-ordered. *sigh* What the hell is that about? Do they not understand how maddening that is?

It's almost as maddening as watching a snowy picture on your television. If I weren't about to get up and bake cookies, I would be even more pissed about it. *sigh* (and for the record, I just made the batter. It had to sit in the fridge for awhile. It's been in the fridge for awhile and now I have to form balls and put them on cookie sheets)

September 11, 2007

It's September 11. The 6th anniversary. I don't quite know much to say about it. I just typed that "I don't know where I am", and I think that I'm a little torn, as I have always been torn about what we've done in the years since the attacks. I've written about all of this stuff before, and I really don't know if I want to go any further into it right now. Probably because I'm not feeling all that well and because I can't quite wrap my head around what it is exactly I want to say about all of this.

Not feeling well. Came home at noon and took a little nap. Will be going to bed here pretty soon. I'm tired.

I ordered a new phone yesterday. Today got a message that the phone was back-ordered. No idea when it would be in. So then I called AT&T's customer service to find out when it's going to be shipped. She told me that they would be getting in X number of units tomorrow and that my phone should ship then. We'll see, I guess. I get an email from AT&T about every two hours updating me on the status of my order. That's very, very annoying. Send me an email to confirm the order and another email when it ships out to me. The rest of it can go hang. I am pretty excited about the phone, though. I hope it's as cool as it appears it will be.

Did you all see the article about the six people arrested in West Virginia? Seriously? What the hell is wrong with people? What happens that makes a person, let alone a group of people, think that such things are OK? Who doesn't stop and say, Ummmmm....yeah, this isn't a good idea at all? What about a person makes them think that such a thing is OK? I don't understand it. It makes no sense to me.

And here's another thing that makes absolutely no sense to me: the Kansas City Star is reporting that two children Sam and Lindsey Porter's remains have been found. The father reportedly kidnapped them to terrorize his ex-wife and at various times he said that he'd cut them up and buried them or strangled them. What kind of person does that to their own flesh and blood? What kind of person looks at their children and hates their mother so much that he's willing to kill them? I don't understand that.

My puppy sure has a sweet, sweet face. Such a pretty girl.

Did you all see that Madeline L'Engle passed away? Her books were never quite my thing because of the fantasy aspect of them, but I know that my students loved her. Therefore, I am sad that she has passed.

September 9, 2007

So the puppy and I went camping this weekend. We had to try out our new tent. We probably should have waited a weekend or two so it would be cooler, but you know us...impatient. Decided to go down to Davis Bayou in Ocean Springs. Don't know if we'll go there again. It was nice enough, and all, but there's something about a more urban location.

The good things about the weekend? The puppy and I love, love, love our new tent. Love it. It's super easy to set up, and it's HUGE. Supposed to sleep four, but my old tent was supposed to sleep four too and the new tent is much, much bigger. I love that it goes back into the ruck sack easily too. I was told that the preferred method to put a tent away is to stuff it by handfuls so you don't get creases and compromise the water-proofing, but with the old zip things that I had, you couldn't easily do that. Can now.

I also got to eat Shed BBQ. Yum. I finished reading Devil in the White City (good book). We walked a little. Cobbler saw her first alligator. got some interesting pictures, and that means that I'll have to get myself in gear and put together my photo pages.

Cobbler was a good camper--very fierce and protective. She stuck very close to me at all times, and when strangers came up, she was cautious, even once showing her teeth to a guy because she apparently thought he needed to move along. She slept in the tent with me because there were raccoons about (stupid people apparently fed them) and I didn't want her to get tangled up in that. Neither one of us slept much Friday night because she was busy barking or growling at anything and everything that moved. She stayed at the bottom of the air mattress or curled right behind my butt, head pointing to the entrance flap so she was ready to go if anyone tried to get in. I was extremely proud of her.

Bad things about the weekend: some of the other people that I met. *sigh* Nice enough, I suppose, but. I go camping to be myself and not have to worry about other folks. I'd just gotten back from The Shed with my dinner and was talking to the PSB on the phone when a guy walked up and asked if he could ask me a favor. It ended up being that he wanted me to take him out--he would pay for it but he just needed to get out. Apparently he was there living in a camping trailer with two 50-60 year old Vietnam vets and just needed to get away. I guess maybe he was in his late 20s. I told him that I not interested in going out. He wound up hanging out with me and talking until almost midnight.

He really did just seem lonely, but criminy. Before long, I was hearing his life story...had been here in MS for about 6 months, but before that, he'd spent five months in jail. He said because of unpaid tickets and such. But then he told me a story about being a party and getting into a fight, complete with gunshots. Ummmm...OK. He's got a baby--and considers his child's mother's (I really don't like "baby momma") two other children his as well, but he hasn't been able to get ahold of her since he went into jail. He said that before he let the other two children call him "daddy", he had long conversations with his girlfriend because he understood how important a step he was taking. Recited a phone for me that he said he wrote, and it was INCREDIBLE.

Eventually, though, I had to tell him that I needed to go to bed because I was tired. And I was. He said several times, if you need anything, ANYTHING, you know where I am. Ummmmm...sorry honey, you're not getting laid tonight. At least not by me. Not interested. At all.

And the next night he was back for more. Wanted to go out dancing. Wanted to go get a massage. Wanted to take me for sushi. Sorry, honey. Not going to happen. More stories from him. Interesting to talk to, but I just wasn't interested in it. He didn't stay as long Saturday night. Just until 8:30 before letting me get back to reading my book. Still not getting any. Sorry honey. You've got rotten teeth and that is so not a turn-on for me.

This morning when I was getting things ready to go, he came over and insisted on folding up my tent and putting it away for me...like I couldn't do it myself.

But then the guy from across the way came over to chat. He also felt compelled to tell me his life story. Apparently his ex-wife (well, not really ex...he told her if she wanted a divorce, she needed to pay for it. She hasn't done it yet) has taken him to the cleaners. He used to be an over-the-road trucker, but he had to take the truck back to the place in Davenport, Iowa because her name was on everything and he couldn't touch it. Only had one year of payments left. Now he's a cook at a KFC/Long John Silver's, and he lives in a tent in the National Seashore. He stayed about half an hour.

He asked me what my plans were, and I told him that I was going to be going back to Hattiesburg the next morning so I could get ready to go to work on Monday. And his response was, "Well some of us don't have a choice but to live out here. This is all we got. We don't have the luxury of just coming out for the weekend."

Which is why I think that from now on, I'll be happy go to more remote locations. Guy from across the way wasn't the only one living in a tent. While there were other vacationers there...some snowbirds starting to come in (one couple went to the casino and won $5,000. They had a mini greyhound named Dante that liked to play with the puppy)...there were several people who were living there. And it was awkward to be there "vacationing" when they weren't. I felt guilty, when realistically I know that I shouldn't have. Still, though, I would have rather not had to deal with it at all.

How awful of me is that? Where is my compassion?

Also bad about the weekend...got a bad sunburn and an armful of splinters from sitting at the picnic table and reading.

Anyway. Cobbler got a bath when we got home (and got her nails clipped...why do they hate that so?), and I took a little nap. I'm getting ready to get a bath, and I think I have a cold. I'm thinking it's not just that I was out in the open air and it's allergies. Different feeling all together. Think I need to take my temperature.

Oh by the way...Cob and I are going to TN/KY the last weekend of October. It will be cold up there by then. Maybe her grandSner needs to think about getting her a puppy sweater so she doesn't freeze to death.

September 6, 2007

Good lord the City of Hattiesburg smells terrible this evening. Apparently they've turned off the aerators at the sewage lagoon (so they can be replaced) so the entire downtown area smells like rotten eggs. Ick, ick, ick. We're working on a project to replace the liner of a local town's lagoon...and if it's going to smell like this while that is happening (about three months) then heaven help those poor people. Ughhh.

I told my boss that I wanted out of work no later than 4:00 tomorrow so I could go camping. He said we should be able to work that. I'm going to try to go in around 7:30 I can make that time up. I'd like to be gone by no later than 3:30. Still haven't decided exactly where I'm going, but I kinda have my mind fixed on the coast. We'll see I suppose. I gotta make my list so I have everything I need. Too late to get most of it packed tonight, but I'll make the list regardless.

The PSB was beat tonight, so he's in bed, which means I won't be talking to him this evening. That's probably for the best since I have so much to get done tonight.

Y'all see the article about the rise in teen suicides? For those of you who are working with kiddoes, I hope you're watching for the signs and symptoms. I know it's a huge responsibility to carry, but I guess that's part of what those of you who are called to work with children are supposed to do. There were a couple of times that I was really, really sad when I was a younger fuzz, and there were a couple of times that I considered suicide, but I don't think that I could ever follow through with it. I have that inborn desire to please other people, and it would be painful to too many folks to die by my own hand. So. No matter how bad it gets, I couldn't do it.

Anyone watching the football game? Oh hell yeah! Go Colts!!! I'm glad that pro-football is back. College ball is big around these parts, but it doesn't do a whole lot for me. Too many teams to keep track of, too many players I don't know. Let's hope my 'boys win Sunday night.

Anyway. Maybe I'll get some more written here tomorrow before I take off. For now, I need to take my tired self off to bed. Y'all have a good weekend!

September 5 , 2007

So, if everything is working the way it should be, y'all should be able to see the site now, right? I can log-in to it with the piercedwonderings info instead of the IP info, so I take that to mean that the DNS switch has happened. I appreciate your patience while I was switching everything over. I just got a deal I couldn't refuse. You know?

I haven't been here in forever, which means I should have a whole heckuva lot to say to you, but I'm tired and kinda foggy.

What do y'all think about Senator Larry Craig? My opinion is that he's a freakin' idiot. Maybe he was entrapped. Maybe he was railroaded...but correct me if I'm wrong...he's a lawyer right? The only reason that he plead guilty was because he was hoping that a misdemeanor charge would never see the light of day. He was right that he just wanted it to go away. And it's true. He almost got away with it. Almost. I'm frankly disgusted by his refusal to let it go. Now...now when he realizes how high the stakes are, he's going to try to rescind his plea? He's going to play dumb...now? What an avarious asshole.

Some time in the last week the second anniversary of Katrina came and went. I thought a little about it. I read through the 30 some odd pages that I wrote during the storm and her aftermath. I tried to make sense of what I'd put down as a marker of that point in my life, and there wasn't a whole lot of coherence there. With storms brewing in the Atlantic, there's quite a bit of nervousness that I'm feeling. I know that we're better prepared should another storm come our way, but it's a stressful thing. I don't want to think about the chance that we might have to go through all of those unknown, frightful days...maybe that's the thing that stands out so much about my Katrina writing. The uncertainty. The unknowing. That was, I think, the hard part. The not knowing.

There was an interesting article on Salon yesterday about the two Border Patrol agents that were imprisoned for shooting at an unarmed illegal alien. I don't know what happened, but I do know that the officers' behavior after the incident put them in jeopardy. It's so much easier to tell the truth from the very beginning rather than create a cover-up. The cover-up rarely works. Someone is going to open their mouths and say something. I understand that some folks believe that since it was a drug-running illegal alien, then it shouldn't matter. All I can say to that is we are a nation of laws, governed and bound by rules...if we can compromise them because we don't like a person, then we're opening a door that I'm not sure we really want to. If we deem one person as unworthy of protection under our laws, then we are potentially saying that all of us are unworthy of protection. I'm not willing to go that far. Yes, he's an illegal alien...but we do not base our behavior on what another person. Or at least we tell our children that what another person does gives us no justification for our own behavior.

I'm thinking about heading down to the coast to camp this weekend. There was a story on the news about Gulf Island National Seashore and Davis Bayou with the campground being open again. I could take my puppy down...we could stop at the Shed and get some BBQ for dinner Friday night...that sounds like a really good idea to me. I suppose that I should call and see if they have any sites available...and if I can check in around 7:00. I'm thinking that's what time it would be if I don't leave work a little early. I have a new tent that I need to try out, so I'm kinda thinking that's what I want to do. We'll see, though.

Did y'all see that Venezuela is considering limiting to 100 the choices for names of children? You have 100 names to pick from and if you don't like it, tough. It seems like names are such an intimate thing...who else should get to decide what it is but parents...or even the child him or herself? Maybe it should be when we turn 18 or 20 we get to decide what our name is really going to be. Wonder what I would have decided on for myself?

Last Updated May 26, 2008

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September 30, 2007

I can't believe that another month is already over. Where does the time go? I have some decisions to make, and I have to make them now. Something has to give, and I've got to get it done now.

Went to the Pecan Festival. *sigh* I think the ride there was better than the actually festival. It was a beautiful day in south Mississippi. While the fall doesn't really bring a change of color, it is gorgeous in its own way. Unbroken blue skies. Temperatures in the 80s. Breezes that portend the coming chill...and you know that it won't be that cold. Just enough to make you want a sweater and someone to snuggle with.

Polly and I were supposed to go to the Pecan Festival yesterday, but we didn't make it that far. We went to Chili's for lunch and had a couple of beers. Then we stopped in the sports bar and had a few more beers. The boys then started buying us shots. I think I had one shot of Patron, two-maybe three-shots of Jager, some watermelon thing, and some red thing the bartender concocted. On top of the beers. Woo-boy. I'm not going to tell you all that happened, but suffice to say that it was a good time. I might have sent a few text messages that I probably shouldn't have, but there's nothing that can be done about that now.

I woke up about 3:30 this morning and needed some advil and water. Took two pills, downed 32 ozs of water, and went back to sleep. Woke up at 7:30, right as rain.

I made lasagna for dinner tonight. I think this was the best I've ever made. It's always been a little hit or miss for me, but tonight's was almost orgasmic. That good. Maybe it was the sauce.

I was thinking about cooking while I was putting the lasagna together, and I was trying to remember what I used to cook for Dax. I never made him lasagna because mine wasn't as good as his mom's. I made spaghetti a lot, but it was never as good as his dad's. I think we put tri-tips on the grill quite often. I made that campell's chicken and rice bake a lot. But I can't remember what else I used to cook for him. I cooked a lot because he didn't know how, but what all of those dishes were, I can't quite recall. Interesting. Those years get further and further away from me and I lose the details. Surely I wasn't a very inventive cook. We were poor. I'm sure I made the same things over and over again.

Bret Michaels chose Jess on Rock of Love. That makes me happy. I don't have anything against strippers, but it bothered me that Heather didn't know how to present herself as anything different, and it bothered me that she wasn't attuned to his illness. So. I think he made a really good choice. I wonder if they're still together. Those things tend not to work, so my guess is no.

I suppose I should be thinking about things more weighty. Like cooperative learning. I have got to get a bunch of objectives and an agenda put together along with finding some materials for the whole thing. I'm a little uneasy. There's only a week before I'm going to have to do this thing for real. *sigh*

Did I see that my Cowboys are now 4-0? Hell yeah! I'm hoping that they continue to do well. I'm always waiting, though, for them to screw it up. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have them dashed by the 'boys propensity to melt-down.

I have to get up early in the morning to go walk the puppy. I really don't like getting up that early, but it's good for us. So, that's what we'll do. Other than being good for us, though, it wears that puppy out. A tired puppy makes me happy. It means that she doesn't race around the house. It means she doesn't try to get into the chair with me. Those are good things.

Anyway. I need to go to bed if this puppy and I are getting up. *sigh*

September 28, 2007

Just finished putting up the teaching stuff. The notes from NCTE are now online, so if you were wondering where those were...missing them, then it's now ready to go. I need to put some of my professional development stuff online. Maybe tomorrow I'll spend some time getting photo albums updated. That just takes so much time. Ughhh.

Have I mentioned that I hate

I'm intoxicated. I have yet to have dinner, and I have had 2/3s of a bottle of wine. I have sauce cooking in the crockpot so I can make lasagna on Sunday. I'm thinking that I'll make a sandwich, although it's kinda late to eat. I am hungry, though. Hmmmm...

Anyone catch their moon as it was rising? Moons are only beautiful when they're on their way up or down. When they're directly overhead, they're too far away and small but when they're rising or setting, it's almost like you could reach right out and touch them. It also makes me feel incredibly small. It's so big and such an awesome thing...and here's me. I get that same feeling when I look at the ocean or stretches of mountains that go on forever.

Ohmigod, I make some incredible spaghetti sauce. Dax's dad's sauce be damned. Mine is so much better than anything Doug could ever make. Yum. Still think I'm going to make a sandwich.

Watched Expose on PBS tonight. It was about the cover-up of sexual abuse within the Boy Scouts in Idaho. It makes me so angry. We are charged with protecting children. They are helpless...weaker than us. And we are supposed to protect them from harm...because they can't do it themselves. Yet the BSA and the Mormon church let someone that they knew was a pedophile run rampant among children. They put him in positions of authority and allowed him to harm child after child. What the hell is wrong with people? How do we get to the point where we are willing to sell our children out for what? The freedom from embarrassment?

It makes me so mad.

I've got to figure out how to keep the puppy from begging. She never gets food from me, but it doesn't stop her from being underfoot when I'm in the kitchen or when I sit down to eat. I guess that means that from now on she'll need to be crated when I eat. *sigh*

Anyone going to be going out and buying Bruce Springsteen's new CD on Tuesday? I've come to love him more in my old age. He and the E Street Band are going back on tour. Through the end of the year, they'll be no where near me, but I'm hoping that after the first of the year, he'll maybe make Atlanta or Memphis. That would certainly be a show that I would pay to go see. Love some Springsteen.

I've been really tired the last couple of days. And sad. I hate PMS. I don't get pissy, but good lord do I get sad. It lasts about 36 hours, and then I'm OK again. Tomorrow morning I should be fine, but right now? Lordy.

Anyway. I'm tired. Going to bed. We're going to the Richton Pecan Festival tomorrow. Maybe I can get my picture taken on the mechanical bull. Again.

September 27, 2007

I was busy at work. No time to read and very little time to screw around today. I guess that's the way that it's supposed to work, huh?

I'm doing a professional development workshop in a little over a week. Little nervous about that. It's going to be all me. For the entire time. And it's going to be a subject that I don't have a lot of precise knowledge of. I guess I'm going ot have some work to do in the next week. I really hope that it goes well.

Having wine for dinner tonight. Temptation Zinfandel. Really good. Making me happy.

Too much else to not say and say and keep sealed inside. Sorry. Think I'm going to bed again.

September 26, 2007

I can't believe that it's 8:30 and I'm ready to go to bed. I'm so tired. I was on the phone with the PSB until about 12:30. Then woke up early to go for a walk with the puppy. I thought that I wanted to sleep in, but she's already gotten used to getting up and going early. So we went. And we went again at lunch. And then when we got home. Three days in a row. Happy and tired puppy...tired mommy.

The SCB did not come over for dinner. That's OK; I understand.

Big decision to make in the next couple of days. I think I know what I"m going to do, but explaining it is another thing all together.

Yeah. I think I'm going to bed. I don't have anything else to say.

September 25, 2007

The SCB got a new tattoo this evening. I haven't seen it yet, but if he comes for dinner tomorrow night, I will. He says that it's AWESOME.

I have to say, I'm a little jealous. I enjoy the process of getting a tattoo. Thinking about it, planning it, turning it over in my mind. And then actually getting it...which is a bit of a turn-on, I have to say. I know that I want an etching, which is not a tattoo perse, but for the last couple of months (since I got my last tattoo really), I've been thinking about what a next one would be. I know where I would put it, which is always the first step...and I'm getting closer to ideas about what I would actually have it be. There are some ideas percolating around in my brain.

Don't worry...won't be getting it any time soon. Will need to be skinnier than I currently am and would need a great deal of money to get what I'm thinking about. And I don't even know that what I'm thinking about is what I would ultimately wind up with.

The puppy and I have walked morning, noon, and night the last two days. It's good for me. I think it's good for her. I'm almost about ready to say that I'd like to start doing some intervals with her, but I don't think she's old enough yet. Because she's a large doggie, I don't want to do any damage to her joints.

Speaking of walking and exercise and stuff, read this article today. It's interesting, that's for sure. I think about the last two mornings when I've gone for a walk, and been starved by about 11 in the morning, even though I had breakfast. There might be something to it. Maybe. I dunno. The puppy hasn't been getting anymore food, probably to her dismay, so we don't have to worry about fat doggies. Which reminds me...gotta measure her so her grandSner can make her a sweater.

I think I've decided that I love liquid eyeliner. I bought a cheap thing of Maybelline this weekend, and I absolutely love what it does for my eyes. Actually maybe what I love most is that it stays. For some reason, regular eyeliner doesn't last very long on my eyelids. So far this liquid stuff is doing the trick. I'm thinking that maybe this weekend I'll play a little with a cateye effect see how that goes. It's supposed to be big this fall. We'll see.

My horoscope says that my soul is feeling a stirring right now. That I am feeling unsettled in spirit, deeper than thought or emotion. If I look within with all my senses, supposedly my intuitive self will provide me with the answers and guidance I require. I have been feeling quite out of sorts the last few weeks. I'm not exactly sure what the deal is, but I'd like to figure it out here real quick. I'm looking for something. Searching. And not finding it. Perhaps I'm not focusing all of my senses on it. Maybe I have one thinking about something else.

September 23, 2007

The puppy is again being rotten. We went outside, and she refused to do her thing. Come back in, not in the house five minutes and she peed and pooed on the sunflower rug. Bad, bad, bad dog. She's spent most of the day in her crate because she cannot get in the habit of doing her thing wherever she chooses. Bad doggie.

Also had to give her a bath. I think I've really got to get another shower head to change in and out when it's time to bathe her. It's a ton of freakin' work.

Anyway. So. The boy came over Friday night, and we had a discussion. He said that he's looking for someone to do things with...go to movies, talk to, have a good time, go to museums (although he then said that he didn't go to museums. *grin*). But not a relationship. Not necessarily sex, but that's always a bonus. And I told him that after having been alone for a really long time, I'm looking for those same things. And necessarily sex.

I want sex. Not ashamed to say it. So there. I said it.

And then he said, "You're going to fall in love with me. That's what happens." I have to laugh at that statement. It is entirely possible that I will fall in love with him, if this all works out the way he says. It's also equally possible that he will fall in love with me. And he probably doesn't know what my being in love with someone means. Without being arrogant and conceited or any of those things, I think being in a relationship with me is different. Maybe I'm deluded, but...I'm not jealous. I'm not possessive. And when you don't want to be with me, I'm going to say OK. "It's over; I don't love you anymore." OK. Because I love you, I want you to be happy, and if you're not happy with me, then you need to go somewhere else, be with someone else. "I'm going to New Orleans this weekend, and I'm asking the woman I'm going with to marry me." OK. I can't agree with your reasoning, but I'm sure you've given it a lot of consideration. So. OK.

Plus there's that whole thing about not knowing for sure if I know what love is or if I'm capable of it. It is entirely possible that by force of habit I've become way too detached. Just a thought.

So. He has a new moniker. The SCB. The Second Chance Boy. (which is better than the STAB...the Second Time Around Boy)

Because this whole thing is supposed to be about having someone to do something with, I invited him to dinner tonight. I made carnitas. He already had plans, so maybe some other night. And that's fine. Now that I know what's up, I have no angst. Or little angst.

Not sure what's going on with the PSB. Haven't really talked to him in over a week now.

It's rained here off and on all day. Kinda a gray day.

Went to BAM today. I wanted to buy a new journal, and they didn't have what I wanted. They had little journals in everything but unlined. I could have gotten a sketchbook, but it had many fewer pages. Do people really need lines to write? *sigh* I guess maybe I'll have to order it online. That kinda sucks rocks.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Loaded some songs on my phone. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that I can use the songs on my phone as ring tones. And that kinda sucks. *sigh* Oh well. I suppose that everything can't be totally perfect. It's still pretty damn cool. I'll take it on a walk tomorrow morning when the puppy and I go. We'll see how that works for us.

I wanted to say something about the new Attorney General pick, but my heart isn't really in it. Maybe tomorrow.

September 22, 2007

Well. I got my hairs cut. It's cute, but it's shorter than I wanted. I suppose here in a few weeks it'll be perfect.

If you look very closely, you can see the silver hair sticking straight out of the top of my head. The highlights are supposed to be cover that. Oops.

Since I was on the coast, I decided to drive over to Mobile to World Market. I needed (or rather wanted) a few bottles of wine, and as it was only an 35 mile drive, I figured what the hey. Good thing. Wine is on sale at World Market. Picked up 7 bottles and probably $10 worth of imported chocolates (I like that crunchie bar)for $70.

My puppy has been rotten today. She has had two accidents in the house. No attempt to let me know she needed to go out. Just peed and pooed. Rotten dog. She's in her crate. If I can't trust her to not potty in the house, then she stays in the crate. I bought her new toys today too. Damn dog.

So, I think I'm OK with whatever is going on with the boy. More about that tomorrow. I'm tired, and I'm going to bed.

September 20, 2007

I feel philosophical and like there should be something profound coming out of me. It's like there's this big thing on the tip of my tongue, just waiting to burst forth. But it's not coming. I can't figure out exactly what it is. It's swirling and percolating and fermenting. Waiting for me to be able to let it go.

In one of the other places that I write, I had this whole big thing about love and trust and leaping. I'm still not convinced that what I've done is the right thing. I'm not sure what it would take for me to feel totally comfortable with this thing that I've set in motion. If it would be possible for me to be comfortable with it. I hate not knowing. I hate being off-balance.

Perhaps that's my lesson this time. To get comfortable with this whole out of control feeling...this not knowing...this being unsure. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I don't want to be confused. I don't want one more thing in my life that is off or unsettled. I want to be able to look at something--anything--and know what it is and what it means. I want to be sure of something. Just one thing I can put my hand on and be content that it is what it is supposed to be.

My phone came. I love it. I haven't played with it all that much, but so far, I love it.

I don't know what else to say tonight. I've gone from being giggly and silly to morose. Feel a bit like puking actually.

September 18, 2007

The big news is that my phone will be here tomorrow. I hope that FedEx leaves it and I don't have to be home to sign for it. That would suck if they don't leave it. *sigh* I forgot to mention that I had a rather unpleasant experience with AT&T customer service yesterday. the first woman that I spoke with was rather bitchy and rude. She put me on hold hoping I was going to hang up. Bitch. I so can't want to get my hands on it. It's seemed like such an ordeal...even though it's only been a week and a half. Guess I don't have enough to worry about, huh?

I'm still trying to have faith. The thing is that I don't know what I'm supposed to have faith in. That he's going to call me the next time he wants to have sex? That he's not going to hurt me? I don't know what this thing is...if it's anything. He and I talked this weekend about the fact that I need to know what's going on. And yet here I am, not knowing what's going on, trying desparately to not force an issue to figure out what it is. Because you know...sometimes it's OK for it to be absolutely nothing. What was that about needing to let go of the control? And having some faith. That's what I'm trying to do.

Because really, it's probably nothing.

I'm tired. And kinda annoyed. I think I'm going to go for a drive and then put myself to bed. Sorry. Not much to say tonight.

September 17, 2007

I put the pictures I took on the camping trip up. They're all there, and hopefully I'll start getting the other pics up as well. It's just such a time consuming process. It took about an hour and a half to modify the pages for the 24 pics in the camping trip.

Cobbler and I got up and went for a half hour walk this morning, and then we went again this evening. I also cleaned up the corner around the chair. It's amazing to me that even though she doesn't get under the chair or behind it, there was so much hair back there. It was disgusting. Have two bags of garbage to get rid of as well. And the printer. It quit working like six months ago. I figure that I can get another one for like $30 these days, so it's not worth it to continue to fight with it, you know? I really need to put up those two shelves in the living room. I can put the books I need for my dissertation up there...have a place to put all of those things so they are at ready access. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow night after I finish cleaning the living room. Or maybe I'll just think about it.

Did I tell you all that I received an invitation to an academic trip to China? I don't know how exclusive the invitation is or how many people they've invited. Anything like that. I do know that it's being sponsored by a reputable company. Unfortunately, I can't afford it. All inclusive, with airfare from LA is $4,995. But when you figure the cost of my trip to LA and being out of work for two weeks, it's getting close to $6,500 for me. There's no way I can afford that. It is flattering to be invited, though.

I have this creeping, expanding doubt. "Have a little faith in me". I'm really, really trying. It's hard, though. The longer I'm by myself, the more I insecure I get. I'm not sure what that is all about, but I'm rattled. I'm not sure how much time I'm going to give it. I hear the lines about not being good enough for me and knowing that he screwed up and can't help but wonder if they're really just a bunch of lines. Designed to get what he wanted. Trying really hard not to be cynical. Really. As I said, though...it's hard.

Anyway. I'm tired. Need to go to bed if we're going for a walk in the dark tomorrow.

September 16, 2007

Oh boy. Interesting weekend. Went to a friend's wedding last night. Looked totally cute in my dress. You can see some pictures here. Putting pictures up on this thing with the page redesign is a bit of a headache. *sigh* I suppose I'll get used to it, and I'll find some time here in the next couple of weeks to finish getting the rest of my pics on the site. *sigh*

Weddings. I think most of y'all know that I'm pretty anti-marriage. I just don't see how being married makes a relationship more than two people who love each other without that official sanction. I'd get married if the person I was with was adamant about it, really wanted us to be married. But it's not something that *I* need. I can be committed to you and make that commitment every day.

But. When you're there at the church, observing it happen for someone else, it's hard not to get caught up in that moment. Watching the families come together. Seeing the way the groom looks at the bride as she comes down the aisle. Listening to the hope and promise in their voices. There's so much...promise.

I have to wonder where it goes wrong for so many couples. How do they go from that moment where they're so consumed with each other to something that can be so incredibly ugly...or sad. Is it because that moment in the church...or in front of the justice of the peace wasn't real to begin with? Or is it because people forget just how powerful that moment was in the first place? In the day-to-day struggles of life, people forget why they're making their way together in the first place? Did they forget that the "for better or worse" is an every day kinda thing and not just those big moments of trial and triumph?

I drank a bit of champagne last night. It was a really good brand. Not too sweet, but just sweet enough. Don't want to think about how much I consumed.

It's kinda hard to not be able to use this place to reveal all the things that cause me turmoil in my life. At this point, though, I think that I probably need to keep a few things to myself. I don't know how I feel about all of what happened. Not that I regret it because that would not be fair to say. I can't go back and undo it, make another choice, which I don't know that I would have anyway. I believe that I made the choice that I was supposed. I just hope that my faith isn't misplaced. That would be a bit too much to swallow. I can live with the choice I made. But it's his behavior that will determine whether it was ultimately a good decision or a bad one.

Which kinda brings me to a thought that I had while in the church. They read I Corinthians 13...which reminds me a lot of a line in "Long Legs" by PorterDavis. "No past ammunitions and no lovin' with conditions." I think that's what I strive for. But when someone has hurt you before, how do you not have some conditions? Is it possible to not always be worried about that? Or can you just let it go? Jump in, unrestrained and unconcerned about where the chips are ultimately going to fall? I think I'm about ready to go full-on, but there's this niggling doubt.

As always, I am wary of being a fool. *sigh*

September 14, 2007

I just got home from shopping. I will be attending a wedding Saturday night, and I needed something appropriate. For once, I actually had a good shopping experience. I picked up six dresses, and all of them fit. Not all of them looked good, but all of them fit. Here's something I don't understand: why people who make clothes for fat chicks don't make the clothing with some structure. I mean...most of us have some pudgy middles. That doesn't look good under flowing, stretchy material. It just doesn't. The one dress that I really liked would have required a foundation garment because of that that fact and even then...I don't know if my personal discomfort would have been worth it. The one that I did buy is also a flowing stretchy fabric, but the skirt is A-line and loose enough that you can't tell.

It really is a great dress, I think. I'm happy with it, and I haven't liked a dress that I've purchased in quite awhile. (I haven't worn a dress in quite a while)

My internet is out. About 20 minutes ago, I was told that it would be fixed "in a few minutes". I figure I'll give them another 25 before I call and ask what the deal is...again. It's kinda funny how dependent upon things you become. I really miss the internet when it's gone.

Anyone watching President Bush? I'm not exactly sure why I am. I am disillusioned with our government. Then again I'm pretty disillusioned in general. That's PMS talking. (TMI, I know. Sorry)

For dinner tonight, I'm having Thai spring rolls from Target. They were on clearance for $1.98. Not bad at all. I have to bake cookies to take to work tomorrow. Actually, I don't have to. I said I would, though, so I will. Some oatmeal pecan and some oatmeal butterscotch. Sounds yummy, huh?

I'm thinking about changing my hair style. Perhaps a bunch of layers around the front...maybe even some really long bangs. What do you think? I've had this basic hairstyle for nigh on to a decade now. It's about time, don't you think?

The puppy was bad this afternoon. I don't put her on a leash when I take her out...for the most part...she's good about staying in the yard. In fact, doesn't ever go out of the yard. However, as I was calling her to come in, the neighbor and the disabled girl she takes care of (looks like perhaps a thalidomide baby) came out the door. Cobbler being the sweet, friendly dog that she is, ran for them as they came down the door. She didn't jump on them. She did jump up near them...she knows better than to jump on someone. The neighbor shrieked at her and hit her a couple of times before I could get to her. *sigh* I understand my puppy was bad, and I understand the reaction. It was still hard to watch.

Anyway. I've got to get the cookies baked.

Yeah...the internets are still not working. *sigh*

I'm still upset about the intolerable cruelty that people can visit upon each other. I continue to be unable to wrap my head around it. And I know this is not something I should allow to bother me so incredibly much. And next week when I'm not PMSing, I'm sure that it won't bother me quite so much. But right now...it does. And that's all I know.

My new phone still has not shipped. I still get four or five emails a day telling me to check the status of my order...and like a fool, I continue to check only to find that the phone is still back-ordered. *sigh* What the hell is that about? Do they not understand how maddening that is?

It's almost as maddening as watching a snowy picture on your television. If I weren't about to get up and bake cookies, I would be even more pissed about it. *sigh* (and for the record, I just made the batter. It had to sit in the fridge for awhile. It's been in the fridge for awhile and now I have to form balls and put them on cookie sheets)

September 11, 2007

It's September 11. The 6th anniversary. I don't quite know much to say about it. I just typed that "I don't know where I am", and I think that I'm a little torn, as I have always been torn about what we've done in the years since the attacks. I've written about all of this stuff before, and I really don't know if I want to go any further into it right now. Probably because I'm not feeling all that well and because I can't quite wrap my head around what it is exactly I want to say about all of this.

Not feeling well. Came home at noon and took a little nap. Will be going to bed here pretty soon. I'm tired.

I ordered a new phone yesterday. Today got a message that the phone was back-ordered. No idea when it would be in. So then I called AT&T's customer service to find out when it's going to be shipped. She told me that they would be getting in X number of units tomorrow and that my phone should ship then. We'll see, I guess. I get an email from AT&T about every two hours updating me on the status of my order. That's very, very annoying. Send me an email to confirm the order and another email when it ships out to me. The rest of it can go hang. I am pretty excited about the phone, though. I hope it's as cool as it appears it will be.

Did you all see the article about the six people arrested in West Virginia? Seriously? What the hell is wrong with people? What happens that makes a person, let alone a group of people, think that such things are OK? Who doesn't stop and say, Ummmmm....yeah, this isn't a good idea at all? What about a person makes them think that such a thing is OK? I don't understand it. It makes no sense to me.

And here's another thing that makes absolutely no sense to me: the Kansas City Star is reporting that two children Sam and Lindsey Porter's remains have been found. The father reportedly kidnapped them to terrorize his ex-wife and at various times he said that he'd cut them up and buried them or strangled them. What kind of person does that to their own flesh and blood? What kind of person looks at their children and hates their mother so much that he's willing to kill them? I don't understand that.

My puppy sure has a sweet, sweet face. Such a pretty girl.

Did you all see that Madeline L'Engle passed away? Her books were never quite my thing because of the fantasy aspect of them, but I know that my students loved her. Therefore, I am sad that she has passed.

September 9, 2007

So the puppy and I went camping this weekend. We had to try out our new tent. We probably should have waited a weekend or two so it would be cooler, but you know us...impatient. Decided to go down to Davis Bayou in Ocean Springs. Don't know if we'll go there again. It was nice enough, and all, but there's something about a more urban location.

The good things about the weekend? The puppy and I love, love, love our new tent. Love it. It's super easy to set up, and it's HUGE. Supposed to sleep four, but my old tent was supposed to sleep four too and the new tent is much, much bigger. I love that it goes back into the ruck sack easily too. I was told that the preferred method to put a tent away is to stuff it by handfuls so you don't get creases and compromise the water-proofing, but with the old zip things that I had, you couldn't easily do that. Can now.

I also got to eat Shed BBQ. Yum. I finished reading Devil in the White City (good book). We walked a little. Cobbler saw her first alligator. got some interesting pictures, and that means that I'll have to get myself in gear and put together my photo pages.

Cobbler was a good camper--very fierce and protective. She stuck very close to me at all times, and when strangers came up, she was cautious, even once showing her teeth to a guy because she apparently thought he needed to move along. She slept in the tent with me because there were raccoons about (stupid people apparently fed them) and I didn't want her to get tangled up in that. Neither one of us slept much Friday night because she was busy barking or growling at anything and everything that moved. She stayed at the bottom of the air mattress or curled right behind my butt, head pointing to the entrance flap so she was ready to go if anyone tried to get in. I was extremely proud of her.

Bad things about the weekend: some of the other people that I met. *sigh* Nice enough, I suppose, but. I go camping to be myself and not have to worry about other folks. I'd just gotten back from The Shed with my dinner and was talking to the PSB on the phone when a guy walked up and asked if he could ask me a favor. It ended up being that he wanted me to take him out--he would pay for it but he just needed to get out. Apparently he was there living in a camping trailer with two 50-60 year old Vietnam vets and just needed to get away. I guess maybe he was in his late 20s. I told him that I not interested in going out. He wound up hanging out with me and talking until almost midnight.

He really did just seem lonely, but criminy. Before long, I was hearing his life story...had been here in MS for about 6 months, but before that, he'd spent five months in jail. He said because of unpaid tickets and such. But then he told me a story about being a party and getting into a fight, complete with gunshots. Ummmm...OK. He's got a baby--and considers his child's mother's (I really don't like "baby momma") two other children his as well, but he hasn't been able to get ahold of her since he went into jail. He said that before he let the other two children call him "daddy", he had long conversations with his girlfriend because he understood how important a step he was taking. Recited a phone for me that he said he wrote, and it was INCREDIBLE.

Eventually, though, I had to tell him that I needed to go to bed because I was tired. And I was. He said several times, if you need anything, ANYTHING, you know where I am. Ummmmm...sorry honey, you're not getting laid tonight. At least not by me. Not interested. At all.

And the next night he was back for more. Wanted to go out dancing. Wanted to go get a massage. Wanted to take me for sushi. Sorry, honey. Not going to happen. More stories from him. Interesting to talk to, but I just wasn't interested in it. He didn't stay as long Saturday night. Just until 8:30 before letting me get back to reading my book. Still not getting any. Sorry honey. You've got rotten teeth and that is so not a turn-on for me.

This morning when I was getting things ready to go, he came over and insisted on folding up my tent and putting it away for me...like I couldn't do it myself.

But then the guy from across the way came over to chat. He also felt compelled to tell me his life story. Apparently his ex-wife (well, not really ex...he told her if she wanted a divorce, she needed to pay for it. She hasn't done it yet) has taken him to the cleaners. He used to be an over-the-road trucker, but he had to take the truck back to the place in Davenport, Iowa because her name was on everything and he couldn't touch it. Only had one year of payments left. Now he's a cook at a KFC/Long John Silver's, and he lives in a tent in the National Seashore. He stayed about half an hour.

He asked me what my plans were, and I told him that I was going to be going back to Hattiesburg the next morning so I could get ready to go to work on Monday. And his response was, "Well some of us don't have a choice but to live out here. This is all we got. We don't have the luxury of just coming out for the weekend."

Which is why I think that from now on, I'll be happy go to more remote locations. Guy from across the way wasn't the only one living in a tent. While there were other vacationers there...some snowbirds starting to come in (one couple went to the casino and won $5,000. They had a mini greyhound named Dante that liked to play with the puppy)...there were several people who were living there. And it was awkward to be there "vacationing" when they weren't. I felt guilty, when realistically I know that I shouldn't have. Still, though, I would have rather not had to deal with it at all.

How awful of me is that? Where is my compassion?

Also bad about the weekend...got a bad sunburn and an armful of splinters from sitting at the picnic table and reading.

Anyway. Cobbler got a bath when we got home (and got her nails clipped...why do they hate that so?), and I took a little nap. I'm getting ready to get a bath, and I think I have a cold. I'm thinking it's not just that I was out in the open air and it's allergies. Different feeling all together. Think I need to take my temperature.

Oh by the way...Cob and I are going to TN/KY the last weekend of October. It will be cold up there by then. Maybe her grandSner needs to think about getting her a puppy sweater so she doesn't freeze to death.

September 6, 2007

Good lord the City of Hattiesburg smells terrible this evening. Apparently they've turned off the aerators at the sewage lagoon (so they can be replaced) so the entire downtown area smells like rotten eggs. Ick, ick, ick. We're working on a project to replace the liner of a local town's lagoon...and if it's going to smell like this while that is happening (about three months) then heaven help those poor people. Ughhh.

I told my boss that I wanted out of work no later than 4:00 tomorrow so I could go camping. He said we should be able to work that. I'm going to try to go in around 7:30 I can make that time up. I'd like to be gone by no later than 3:30. Still haven't decided exactly where I'm going, but I kinda have my mind fixed on the coast. We'll see I suppose. I gotta make my list so I have everything I need. Too late to get most of it packed tonight, but I'll make the list regardless.

The PSB was beat tonight, so he's in bed, which means I won't be talking to him this evening. That's probably for the best since I have so much to get done tonight.

Y'all see the article about the rise in teen suicides? For those of you who are working with kiddoes, I hope you're watching for the signs and symptoms. I know it's a huge responsibility to carry, but I guess that's part of what those of you who are called to work with children are supposed to do. There were a couple of times that I was really, really sad when I was a younger fuzz, and there were a couple of times that I considered suicide, but I don't think that I could ever follow through with it. I have that inborn desire to please other people, and it would be painful to too many folks to die by my own hand. So. No matter how bad it gets, I couldn't do it.

Anyone watching the football game? Oh hell yeah! Go Colts!!! I'm glad that pro-football is back. College ball is big around these parts, but it doesn't do a whole lot for me. Too many teams to keep track of, too many players I don't know. Let's hope my 'boys win Sunday night.

Anyway. Maybe I'll get some more written here tomorrow before I take off. For now, I need to take my tired self off to bed. Y'all have a good weekend!

September 5 , 2007

So, if everything is working the way it should be, y'all should be able to see the site now, right? I can log-in to it with the piercedwonderings info instead of the IP info, so I take that to mean that the DNS switch has happened. I appreciate your patience while I was switching everything over. I just got a deal I couldn't refuse. You know?

I haven't been here in forever, which means I should have a whole heckuva lot to say to you, but I'm tired and kinda foggy.

What do y'all think about Senator Larry Craig? My opinion is that he's a freakin' idiot. Maybe he was entrapped. Maybe he was railroaded...but correct me if I'm wrong...he's a lawyer right? The only reason that he plead guilty was because he was hoping that a misdemeanor charge would never see the light of day. He was right that he just wanted it to go away. And it's true. He almost got away with it. Almost. I'm frankly disgusted by his refusal to let it go. Now...now when he realizes how high the stakes are, he's going to try to rescind his plea? He's going to play dumb...now? What an avarious asshole.

Some time in the last week the second anniversary of Katrina came and went. I thought a little about it. I read through the 30 some odd pages that I wrote during the storm and her aftermath. I tried to make sense of what I'd put down as a marker of that point in my life, and there wasn't a whole lot of coherence there. With storms brewing in the Atlantic, there's quite a bit of nervousness that I'm feeling. I know that we're better prepared should another storm come our way, but it's a stressful thing. I don't want to think about the chance that we might have to go through all of those unknown, frightful days...maybe that's the thing that stands out so much about my Katrina writing. The uncertainty. The unknowing. That was, I think, the hard part. The not knowing.

There was an interesting article on Salon yesterday about the two Border Patrol agents that were imprisoned for shooting at an unarmed illegal alien. I don't know what happened, but I do know that the officers' behavior after the incident put them in jeopardy. It's so much easier to tell the truth from the very beginning rather than create a cover-up. The cover-up rarely works. Someone is going to open their mouths and say something. I understand that some folks believe that since it was a drug-running illegal alien, then it shouldn't matter. All I can say to that is we are a nation of laws, governed and bound by rules...if we can compromise them because we don't like a person, then we're opening a door that I'm not sure we really want to. If we deem one person as unworthy of protection under our laws, then we are potentially saying that all of us are unworthy of protection. I'm not willing to go that far. Yes, he's an illegal alien...but we do not base our behavior on what another person. Or at least we tell our children that what another person does gives us no justification for our own behavior.

I'm thinking about heading down to the coast to camp this weekend. There was a story on the news about Gulf Island National Seashore and Davis Bayou with the campground being open again. I could take my puppy down...we could stop at the Shed and get some BBQ for dinner Friday night...that sounds like a really good idea to me. I suppose that I should call and see if they have any sites available...and if I can check in around 7:00. I'm thinking that's what time it would be if I don't leave work a little early. I have a new tent that I need to try out, so I'm kinda thinking that's what I want to do. We'll see, though.

Did y'all see that Venezuela is considering limiting to 100 the choices for names of children? You have 100 names to pick from and if you don't like it, tough. It seems like names are such an intimate thing...who else should get to decide what it is but parents...or even the child him or herself? Maybe it should be when we turn 18 or 20 we get to decide what our name is really going to be. Wonder what I would have decided on for myself?