October 2011

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October 2011

October 22, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

There was a long post here, but I somehow managed to close the program and lost everything I'd written.

This is what it boils down to: When I stop being bitchy, then I can stop letting other people's bitchiness bother me. In the meantime, I'm going to remind myself that people only occupy the headspace that I lease to them rent free. It doesn't HAVE to be that way; I choose to let it be that way. I need to practice smiling and recognizing when I'm in situations where I have to engage rather than letting them be ruined. I have to be doubly careful, though, because now it isn't just me. There's this larger unit that now comes to bear. So I will need to be more careful about my reactions.

October 18, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

You know, I haven't always been grateful for the things that I've had to do in my life. I was reminded today of that. When my father passed away so very long ago (has it been 15 years? It seems like I wasn't 21 yet. Uncle Steve and Aunt Carol had to provide me with the alcohol), I didn't want to go to the funeral. I'd had nothing to do with the man for at least 4 years, and that was just fine with me. When Aunt Imogene called, she told me that the family would understand if I couldn't make it because I was a college student and money was tight.

My Sner, though...she knew that I needed to go, and she told me I was going. She understood that funerals and the process of saying goodbye isn't about the person who died. It's about the people who loved that person. It's about those people coming together to support each other and love each other. My Sner knew that my grandparents were going to need me, even though they said they didn't. And they did need me. As soon as I saw them, I knew that the Sner had made the right decision. I cannot imagine how I would have felt knowing that they had needed me, and I wasn't there.

There's a lot more I want to say, but I probably shouldn't. I have to say that I was reminded tonight why I love Matt. He gets it. He understands. He's not a narcissist jackass. He understands what it means to be a part of a family, to care about people who care about you and to occasionally put their needs (both those that are spoken and those that are left unsaid) ahead of your own. Honor. He has honor, and I have so much respect for him. I made the right choice. I wouldn't respect someone who did not value and honor their family.

I read this article earlier. I have to say that it makes some sense to me. Particularly the whole thing about the pressure to find "the one" or you "just know". I don't know that's true. I don't think it's true for me. I think it's probably true for Matt. But for me, it's been a process full of indecision and doubt...and patience. His with me. He has waited for me to make up my mind, to fall in love, to be ready. He's been the one who has been steadfast, while I have wondered. And I think that is OK. I think taking time to figure it out will make it stronger (whatever it happens to be). For me at least. For him, I think it's always been strong. His ability to let me come to it is a precious gift. His unwavering belief gives me the freedom to be myself.

I need to email a couple of people about wedding things. I need to work on some wedding related things tomorrow. Or at least I need to get started on some things. They can be tackled later this week. I've really got to get to some junk stores. There are things that I need to get found and purchased.

October 16, 2011

Late Night Update

What a crappy couple of days it has been. I was going to write more than that. I need to write more than that. But I'm not going to write more than that. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow while I'm making delicious alcohol drinks that will probably be consumed this weekend. But not today.

October 13, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

Tonight has been all about writing. The save-the-date postcards have come in, and I have to say, I screwed up and didn't make the date big enough on them. *sigh* I'm not sure why I didn't make it larger. However, the website is on there twice, which means that hopefully folks will be able to figure it. More important to me is the exercise of collecting addresses. Right now with most of my folks collected (I think I have maybe 3 more addresses I need), and some of Matt's, although a very few, we're sitting at 98 people. I think we're going to be at 200 people, and that makes me nervous. It's A LOT of people. Which means it's going to be A LOT to manage. I don't know if Matt really understands that and how much work it's going to be. But whatever. It'll be fine. Eventually.

I also got caught up on a little bit of correspondence tonight. Write a few cards to folks. Will put them in the mail tomorrow. In one of them, I was talking about this inability to find a job, and I wrote, it feels like everything inside of me is creaming "CREATE!" and that is extremely true. The problem is what do I create? Do I write? Do I take pictures? Do I do crafts? I kind of feel like perhaps it's a combination of all three of those things, and that if I get in the groove with those things, then I'll figure out how to make money at it. So I'm going to be working on that. I need to make sure that I give myself time each day to work on those things. I could do that. I just have to decide that's what I'm going to do. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to forget that. It's that whole fear of failing thing. I can't fail if I never start, right?

The invitation draft did not arrive today, which makes me a little nervous. I suppose I'll send her a message tomorrow. Along with the photographer. With as much time as I have on my hands, this should totally be a kickass wedding, shouldn't it? I've got to get myself to the local junk shops and start looking for jars and records. Perhaps some mismatched silverware. I betcha I could pick up a bunch of that super cheap. I see a trip to the Mobile flea market in my future. *sigh* Wonder if I can talk the boy into letting me take his truck because if I find the things that I'm looking for, it could be a ton of stuff coming back.

I need to go to bed. It's 3 in the morning. I am not even tired, though. I've taken nighttime cold medicine (because I do have a cold) and I'm not tired.

October 12, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

Today's (yesterday's technically I suppose) big accomplishment is that I picked up the flameless candles! Yay! They were out today so I dug through the cases and found the ones that had batteries and worked. They are currently in the front seat of my car, so in the morning I have to get up early and bring them in. Even though they are flameless candles, they are made from wax, which means that time spent in the car will destroy them if I'm not careful. So they will come in tomorrow morning.

I should get the first mock-up of the invitations tomorrow, and I think the save-the-dates came in today. I'm pretty excited about seeing the invitations. I've got some pretty good ideas for the rest of the paper at least. The place cards, the programs, all of that good stuff. I also found some more pictures online that I have pinned so i can come back to them. Now I just have to go about figuring out how to get a bunch of records. I suppose that means I'll begin haunting thrift stores and antique places because we're going to need lots and lots and lots of records.

One of my original ideas was to have records on the tables as place settings...and I'm still going to go with that. However, I think I'm going to paint the records blue and gold. Records that get turned into bowls will also be painted...after they are shaped. I don't think it's going to be all spray paint, although I think we might well rent a paint sprayer (or borrow one if a friend has one that can be loaned out) and just line stuff up in the yard and spray them. Buying a gallon of paint will be cheaper than cans of spray paint.

It's hard to believe that we're now at about six months until the wedding. That means that bridesmaids have to get their dresses taken care of. We need to figure out the officiant situation. We need to register. I spent awhile today getting the website a little more complete. I've got to order more beads and more rhinestones so I can finish bouquets and the letters for the cake topper/gift table. I suppose since I'm not doing anything right this minute, I could take care of that, eh? Off I go.

October 11, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

I think I'm going to do the National Novel Writing Month challenge. I have no idea what I'm going to write about just this moment, but I'll figure it out, I suppose, eh? I've been looking for something to do. This gives me something to do.

Speaking of something to do, I believe that tomorrow I'm going to contact CASA and find out what I need to do in order to become a CASA volunteer. I can remember being interested in CASA when I was in high school, and thinking, I'll have to remember to do this when I'm old enough. And then I remember thinking about it when I was teaching, frustrated that I didn't know when I could get the training done. I don't even know if it's something I can do here, but it's worth looking into. I think it is something that I could do and feel proud of.

Today was a shopping day. I went and picked up a couple of LED candles at Dollar Tree, but the ones I really wanted are not there yet. I'll have to keep checking back with them. I am thinking about picking up a bunch of the LED tea lights they have. You get 3 for $1. I could see using those in a couple of different ways. Then I made my way to Hobby Lobby, hoping that I would find something some purse frames. I didn't find anything for that, but I did find stuff to make fascinators. So I'm going to play around with that a little bit. I think it should be fun. I can play around with it a little bit here and then feel more confident about making fascinators for the wedding.

After that it was on to Hancock Fabric, where I got fleece to make Christmas pressies and vest patterns. I suppose that maybe tomorrow I'll work on the fleece. I don't have to get it done right this minute, but the sooner I get it done, the sooner it is over and I don't have to worry about it any more.

I really need a good tripod for my camera. I was out this evening trying to capture shots of the full moon, and realized that while I could get the settings right, I couldn't get great shots because I can't hold a camera still that long. I figured out about shutter shake and set the timer so I didn't have to deal with that. Some good shots that would have been great with a tripod to hold everything still.

I think that this weekend I will go to Louisiana to take pictures. I need to get away by myself for a minute, and I could enjoy spending the day taking pictures and writing. Matt will be in Starkville. It's a good excuse. Perhaps I can find a few things for the wedding as well.

October 10, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

I slept about 5 hours last night. I laid down around 5 today to take a nap and maybe got 20 fitful minutes in before I decided it just wasn't worth it. It's now after 1 in the morning. And I am still awake. I wish I could slow down the thoughts in my head. They are bumper cars zipping from one side of my skull to the together, coming together in great reverberations of confusion and screeching out in a different direction. Just when one comes to a brief rest, like it is taking a few deep breaths, quivering, and all of the sudden, here comes another one, crashing into it, sending it careening off in another direction.

I cannot make them stop.

I know that this all must be hormonal. All of this must be linked, there has to be a reason why. I am slightly panicked tonight, trying to get myself sorted. I know that I've got to figure out what it is that I'm planning to do with myself. I searched through a couple of search engines of jobs tonight, and I have to tell you that there's not a whole lot out there. It is incredibly frustrated. Right now I can't even get a job at University of Phoenix...because I am not currently working in my field. I should probably send Robin a message and let her know that I am available to put something together. Ugh.

I do not doubt that it was right for me to come home. I know that was the exact right thing to do. There are too many things fallen into to place for it not to be. I have to remember to focus on that.

I think I have figured out how I want to volunteer. I need to put that together or make some phone calls or something. I think that will be a very big help to me. Might help me come to some decisions. I have the ability to do it now.

That makes me feel so much better. Really. A few of the bumper cars are disconnected from the grid now. They cannot continue the race because they have been disabled. I swear I can smell that electric burning scent, getting trapped back up in my nostrils.

October 7, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

I have avoided coming here and doing anything. I have felt like I needed to, but I have no idea what I want to say. It's like there are no words in my head. There are so many things that I have floating around up there, but there is no way for me to get them out.

I had that terrible anxiety hit me about two hours ago. It is calmed down a bit, but I cannot help but feel that something terrible is about to happen. It is very strange because I get that feeling and then nothing ever happens. I wonder if the purpose of the feeling--as awful as it is when it hits me--is to make me aware so that something terrible doesn't happen. I have no illusions of psychic ability. I just know that every once in awhile I have what begins to feel like complete dread. My heart beats faster, and my chest gets tight. I feel a little clammy. But the worst part is the feeling of dread. It's sickening.

I have to take Matt to work tomorrow and then to drop his truck off at Firestone for oil change/tire rotation. I guess I will take my shoes and go across the way to Wesley and get my work out done. Although...who wants to cross Highway 98 on foot? Yikes. Are they even open at 7:30? I suppose that since I'm an unemployed slacker, I can do that for him. I'd rather be sleeping since it's now 1:30 in the morning, and I'm not in the bed yet, but eh.

Speaking of not sleeping...my insomnia ia getting out of control. I could be up until 3 and be no where near ready to go to bed. This afternoon I took a little nap because I was just exhausted. I could take things to help me sleep, and I get to times when I do take those things, but the truth of the matter is that they do not help me get to sleep. They help me stay asleep when I finally get there, but I'm not so sure that I even truly need that. People offer me the things that help them go to sleep, but if a valium doesn't cut it, I'm pretty sure that something else won't either. It's kinda like...I've tried enough greens at this point in my life to know that I don't ever need to try greens again. I've tried enough sleep aids that I know that I don't need to try yet another one. I just don't.

I'm watching Renovation Realities on the DIY network. Couples are tackling kitchens. It makes me think of Beth and Mark's kitchen. With some of the boys' helps, it would be pretty easy to tear those cabinets out and put new ones in. Same with replacing the stove top and the oven. And the dish washer. Not that it wouldn't be hard work. Just that it could be done.

October 6, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

Who would you be and what would you do if you had the opportunity to become exactly who you always dreamed you would be? I'm wrestling with that right now. I have the luxury of time, although that time is running out. My gut says if I could be anything in the world that I wanted, I'd be a writer. The thing is, though, I don't know what I'd write about on a regular basis. I struggle through trying to figure out what to write here every night...or morning as the case may be.

And if I could be a writer, how exactly do I find a way to make money and support myself and this burgeoning family that I have planned?

This last thing is what will drive me back into the classroom, I think. It's not that I don't think that teaching isn't a good job. It's just that I don't know if have the stomach to do the things that are necessary to keep a job. I have a hard time doing things that aren't in the best interest of children, and so much of what happens in education these days is not what is best for children. It is best for the adults in the buildings that are supposed to be about serving children. Kids get forgotten under the pressure of improving test scores.

I never thought I would ever say that teaching was my best option in terms of a salary, but in this economy, in this place where we are, that is probably the truth. A paycheck that comes like clockwork every month and provides a living that is greater than I could make elsewhere and the benefits that while aren't outstanding (much worse in MS than they were in Louisville) are still benefits. I just looked through the available jobs at higheredjobs.com, and I'm not seeing much. There is a possibility that there's something interesting in Montgomery. I suppose I need to actually dig a little deeper there.

There is so much for me to think about. I want to go to Chackbay, LA to take some pictures. A road trip would do me good, I think. Spend some time in the car, thinking, trying to figure out what it is that I think I need to do with my life. Maybe write a little. Sometimes I think that really what I need to do is just stop and quit trying to figure out what will make me happy and just go with life the way it is. Our grandparents didn't have the kinds of choices we did, and I think that they were generally happy with the directions that their lives took.

That flies in the face of the wisdom of Steve Jobs, who sadly passed away today. Jobs said,

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.

And I guess that means that not figuring it out isn't an option.

October 4, 2011

Very Late Evening Update

By the time this is over, I imagine that we will definitely be well into October 5th.

It's been a rough couple of days in my life. I've been unbelievably sad. I've got to do something about it, but I have no real idea what I'm going to do. I'm going to have to do something about it, though because I can't continue to allow a hurtful situation to happen around me. Yeah, I get it...people are entitled to their feelings and they are entitled to voice those feelings. But at the same time, after it's been expressed once, maybe twice, and it's hurtful to me--then I get to say, "I hear you. Now please shut up because this conversation isn't going to get either of us anywhere." Now to just say it. *sigh*

I got a call today from a place that I didn't want to hear from ever. It is convenient, and a job is a job. I keep reminding myself that. That a job is a job. And I could use a job. It's been bothering me that I am not contributing. That I don't get up and go to my work. I have money (well I will the 12th), so while a job isn't pressing, the longer I am unemployed, the harder it becomes to get a job. *sigh* So I'll call tomorrow and find out what offer is on the table. And I'll be sure to let them know that I have a trip scheduled from Oct 27-Nov 7 and will be unable to change that trip. So sorry. & if that is something that they can't handle, then I guess it will be my answer. I'm looking for a reason to not take this job because god I don't want to. However, I think it becomes a situation where I'm going to have to. I keep telling myself that the right position will come along. Is this is? With them coming to me? Beth said that several high school teachers have quit, so I'm sure that it is a classroom position. What to do, what to do, what to do. *sigh*

I have run the last two days. My muscles are so incredibly sore. So sore. Like hard to walk sore. Tomorrow is a cross-training day, which for me means walking, but I think I'm going to go ahead and hit the two miles anyway. It will make the four miles I have to do Saturday that much easier. Not that any of them will be easy. Just that I'll be in a groove. I suppose if I get a job, I'll be running as soon as I get home from work. *sigh*

We were supposed to go get engagement photos taken this weekend, but apparently the photographer friend has sold his equipment so he can pay the rent. Times are hard everywhere. I am thankful that I don't have to face decisions like that. That now means, of course, that we've got to find a photographer and find a way to squeeze that $800-1500 into the budget. A friend on facebook has hooked me up with a friend of hers who is looking to get into wedding photography. I'm hoping that equals a discount on the price. The photographer is about to have a baby, so I suppose that means I won't hear back from her for a bit.

I suppose that's enough for tonight, even though I am nowhere near ready for the bed.

October 2, 2011

Late Evening Update

I suppose that there is something I need to say. I haven't been here for a couple of days now. That means that I should have some kind of update, shouldn't I? The problem is, though, that I'm all kinds of blank. I've been blank since Friday. I've caught myself staring off into space, just kind of lost.

I've been lazy the last couple of weeks, and I haven't been running. I'm feeling like a blob, which means that I'll be getting up and trying to get back in the groove today. I've reset my training program to start me over. I am NOT going back to the 5K program. I'm just going to have to suck up the discomfort and get myself back on that particular horse.

Looks like I'm going to be heading not only to Colorado in a month or so but to Reno and CA as well. It will be good to be home and see old friends, spend time with them and provide some support. Feel useful, I guess.

I should be asleep because it is well into Monday, but the truth of the matter is that I'm not at all tired. I need to put together my stuff for my challenge. So I can figure out what exactly it is that I'm supposed to do tomorrow. I need to feel like I'm being productive. I realized the other day that I don't do much. At the very least I could be reading. I suppose that's what I'm going to do. Since I can't sleep. Go back and get a book to read. Or a magazine.

Last Updated November 10, 2011

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October 22, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

There was a long post here, but I somehow managed to close the program and lost everything I'd written.

This is what it boils down to: When I stop being bitchy, then I can stop letting other people's bitchiness bother me. In the meantime, I'm going to remind myself that people only occupy the headspace that I lease to them rent free. It doesn't HAVE to be that way; I choose to let it be that way. I need to practice smiling and recognizing when I'm in situations where I have to engage rather than letting them be ruined. I have to be doubly careful, though, because now it isn't just me. There's this larger unit that now comes to bear. So I will need to be more careful about my reactions.

October 18, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

You know, I haven't always been grateful for the things that I've had to do in my life. I was reminded today of that. When my father passed away so very long ago (has it been 15 years? It seems like I wasn't 21 yet. Uncle Steve and Aunt Carol had to provide me with the alcohol), I didn't want to go to the funeral. I'd had nothing to do with the man for at least 4 years, and that was just fine with me. When Aunt Imogene called, she told me that the family would understand if I couldn't make it because I was a college student and money was tight.

My Sner, though...she knew that I needed to go, and she told me I was going. She understood that funerals and the process of saying goodbye isn't about the person who died. It's about the people who loved that person. It's about those people coming together to support each other and love each other. My Sner knew that my grandparents were going to need me, even though they said they didn't. And they did need me. As soon as I saw them, I knew that the Sner had made the right decision. I cannot imagine how I would have felt knowing that they had needed me, and I wasn't there.

There's a lot more I want to say, but I probably shouldn't. I have to say that I was reminded tonight why I love Matt. He gets it. He understands. He's not a narcissist jackass. He understands what it means to be a part of a family, to care about people who care about you and to occasionally put their needs (both those that are spoken and those that are left unsaid) ahead of your own. Honor. He has honor, and I have so much respect for him. I made the right choice. I wouldn't respect someone who did not value and honor their family.

I read this article earlier. I have to say that it makes some sense to me. Particularly the whole thing about the pressure to find "the one" or you "just know". I don't know that's true. I don't think it's true for me. I think it's probably true for Matt. But for me, it's been a process full of indecision and doubt...and patience. His with me. He has waited for me to make up my mind, to fall in love, to be ready. He's been the one who has been steadfast, while I have wondered. And I think that is OK. I think taking time to figure it out will make it stronger (whatever it happens to be). For me at least. For him, I think it's always been strong. His ability to let me come to it is a precious gift. His unwavering belief gives me the freedom to be myself.

I need to email a couple of people about wedding things. I need to work on some wedding related things tomorrow. Or at least I need to get started on some things. They can be tackled later this week. I've really got to get to some junk stores. There are things that I need to get found and purchased.

October 16, 2011

Late Night Update

What a crappy couple of days it has been. I was going to write more than that. I need to write more than that. But I'm not going to write more than that. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow while I'm making delicious alcohol drinks that will probably be consumed this weekend. But not today.

October 13, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

Tonight has been all about writing. The save-the-date postcards have come in, and I have to say, I screwed up and didn't make the date big enough on them. *sigh* I'm not sure why I didn't make it larger. However, the website is on there twice, which means that hopefully folks will be able to figure it. More important to me is the exercise of collecting addresses. Right now with most of my folks collected (I think I have maybe 3 more addresses I need), and some of Matt's, although a very few, we're sitting at 98 people. I think we're going to be at 200 people, and that makes me nervous. It's A LOT of people. Which means it's going to be A LOT to manage. I don't know if Matt really understands that and how much work it's going to be. But whatever. It'll be fine. Eventually.

I also got caught up on a little bit of correspondence tonight. Write a few cards to folks. Will put them in the mail tomorrow. In one of them, I was talking about this inability to find a job, and I wrote, it feels like everything inside of me is creaming "CREATE!" and that is extremely true. The problem is what do I create? Do I write? Do I take pictures? Do I do crafts? I kind of feel like perhaps it's a combination of all three of those things, and that if I get in the groove with those things, then I'll figure out how to make money at it. So I'm going to be working on that. I need to make sure that I give myself time each day to work on those things. I could do that. I just have to decide that's what I'm going to do. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to forget that. It's that whole fear of failing thing. I can't fail if I never start, right?

The invitation draft did not arrive today, which makes me a little nervous. I suppose I'll send her a message tomorrow. Along with the photographer. With as much time as I have on my hands, this should totally be a kickass wedding, shouldn't it? I've got to get myself to the local junk shops and start looking for jars and records. Perhaps some mismatched silverware. I betcha I could pick up a bunch of that super cheap. I see a trip to the Mobile flea market in my future. *sigh* Wonder if I can talk the boy into letting me take his truck because if I find the things that I'm looking for, it could be a ton of stuff coming back.

I need to go to bed. It's 3 in the morning. I am not even tired, though. I've taken nighttime cold medicine (because I do have a cold) and I'm not tired.

October 12, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

Today's (yesterday's technically I suppose) big accomplishment is that I picked up the flameless candles! Yay! They were out today so I dug through the cases and found the ones that had batteries and worked. They are currently in the front seat of my car, so in the morning I have to get up early and bring them in. Even though they are flameless candles, they are made from wax, which means that time spent in the car will destroy them if I'm not careful. So they will come in tomorrow morning.

I should get the first mock-up of the invitations tomorrow, and I think the save-the-dates came in today. I'm pretty excited about seeing the invitations. I've got some pretty good ideas for the rest of the paper at least. The place cards, the programs, all of that good stuff. I also found some more pictures online that I have pinned so i can come back to them. Now I just have to go about figuring out how to get a bunch of records. I suppose that means I'll begin haunting thrift stores and antique places because we're going to need lots and lots and lots of records.

One of my original ideas was to have records on the tables as place settings...and I'm still going to go with that. However, I think I'm going to paint the records blue and gold. Records that get turned into bowls will also be painted...after they are shaped. I don't think it's going to be all spray paint, although I think we might well rent a paint sprayer (or borrow one if a friend has one that can be loaned out) and just line stuff up in the yard and spray them. Buying a gallon of paint will be cheaper than cans of spray paint.

It's hard to believe that we're now at about six months until the wedding. That means that bridesmaids have to get their dresses taken care of. We need to figure out the officiant situation. We need to register. I spent awhile today getting the website a little more complete. I've got to order more beads and more rhinestones so I can finish bouquets and the letters for the cake topper/gift table. I suppose since I'm not doing anything right this minute, I could take care of that, eh? Off I go.

October 11, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

I think I'm going to do the National Novel Writing Month challenge. I have no idea what I'm going to write about just this moment, but I'll figure it out, I suppose, eh? I've been looking for something to do. This gives me something to do.

Speaking of something to do, I believe that tomorrow I'm going to contact CASA and find out what I need to do in order to become a CASA volunteer. I can remember being interested in CASA when I was in high school, and thinking, I'll have to remember to do this when I'm old enough. And then I remember thinking about it when I was teaching, frustrated that I didn't know when I could get the training done. I don't even know if it's something I can do here, but it's worth looking into. I think it is something that I could do and feel proud of.

Today was a shopping day. I went and picked up a couple of LED candles at Dollar Tree, but the ones I really wanted are not there yet. I'll have to keep checking back with them. I am thinking about picking up a bunch of the LED tea lights they have. You get 3 for $1. I could see using those in a couple of different ways. Then I made my way to Hobby Lobby, hoping that I would find something some purse frames. I didn't find anything for that, but I did find stuff to make fascinators. So I'm going to play around with that a little bit. I think it should be fun. I can play around with it a little bit here and then feel more confident about making fascinators for the wedding.

After that it was on to Hancock Fabric, where I got fleece to make Christmas pressies and vest patterns. I suppose that maybe tomorrow I'll work on the fleece. I don't have to get it done right this minute, but the sooner I get it done, the sooner it is over and I don't have to worry about it any more.

I really need a good tripod for my camera. I was out this evening trying to capture shots of the full moon, and realized that while I could get the settings right, I couldn't get great shots because I can't hold a camera still that long. I figured out about shutter shake and set the timer so I didn't have to deal with that. Some good shots that would have been great with a tripod to hold everything still.

I think that this weekend I will go to Louisiana to take pictures. I need to get away by myself for a minute, and I could enjoy spending the day taking pictures and writing. Matt will be in Starkville. It's a good excuse. Perhaps I can find a few things for the wedding as well.

October 10, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

I slept about 5 hours last night. I laid down around 5 today to take a nap and maybe got 20 fitful minutes in before I decided it just wasn't worth it. It's now after 1 in the morning. And I am still awake. I wish I could slow down the thoughts in my head. They are bumper cars zipping from one side of my skull to the together, coming together in great reverberations of confusion and screeching out in a different direction. Just when one comes to a brief rest, like it is taking a few deep breaths, quivering, and all of the sudden, here comes another one, crashing into it, sending it careening off in another direction.

I cannot make them stop.

I know that this all must be hormonal. All of this must be linked, there has to be a reason why. I am slightly panicked tonight, trying to get myself sorted. I know that I've got to figure out what it is that I'm planning to do with myself. I searched through a couple of search engines of jobs tonight, and I have to tell you that there's not a whole lot out there. It is incredibly frustrated. Right now I can't even get a job at University of Phoenix...because I am not currently working in my field. I should probably send Robin a message and let her know that I am available to put something together. Ugh.

I do not doubt that it was right for me to come home. I know that was the exact right thing to do. There are too many things fallen into to place for it not to be. I have to remember to focus on that.

I think I have figured out how I want to volunteer. I need to put that together or make some phone calls or something. I think that will be a very big help to me. Might help me come to some decisions. I have the ability to do it now.

That makes me feel so much better. Really. A few of the bumper cars are disconnected from the grid now. They cannot continue the race because they have been disabled. I swear I can smell that electric burning scent, getting trapped back up in my nostrils.

October 7, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

I have avoided coming here and doing anything. I have felt like I needed to, but I have no idea what I want to say. It's like there are no words in my head. There are so many things that I have floating around up there, but there is no way for me to get them out.

I had that terrible anxiety hit me about two hours ago. It is calmed down a bit, but I cannot help but feel that something terrible is about to happen. It is very strange because I get that feeling and then nothing ever happens. I wonder if the purpose of the feeling--as awful as it is when it hits me--is to make me aware so that something terrible doesn't happen. I have no illusions of psychic ability. I just know that every once in awhile I have what begins to feel like complete dread. My heart beats faster, and my chest gets tight. I feel a little clammy. But the worst part is the feeling of dread. It's sickening.

I have to take Matt to work tomorrow and then to drop his truck off at Firestone for oil change/tire rotation. I guess I will take my shoes and go across the way to Wesley and get my work out done. Although...who wants to cross Highway 98 on foot? Yikes. Are they even open at 7:30? I suppose that since I'm an unemployed slacker, I can do that for him. I'd rather be sleeping since it's now 1:30 in the morning, and I'm not in the bed yet, but eh.

Speaking of not sleeping...my insomnia ia getting out of control. I could be up until 3 and be no where near ready to go to bed. This afternoon I took a little nap because I was just exhausted. I could take things to help me sleep, and I get to times when I do take those things, but the truth of the matter is that they do not help me get to sleep. They help me stay asleep when I finally get there, but I'm not so sure that I even truly need that. People offer me the things that help them go to sleep, but if a valium doesn't cut it, I'm pretty sure that something else won't either. It's kinda like...I've tried enough greens at this point in my life to know that I don't ever need to try greens again. I've tried enough sleep aids that I know that I don't need to try yet another one. I just don't.

I'm watching Renovation Realities on the DIY network. Couples are tackling kitchens. It makes me think of Beth and Mark's kitchen. With some of the boys' helps, it would be pretty easy to tear those cabinets out and put new ones in. Same with replacing the stove top and the oven. And the dish washer. Not that it wouldn't be hard work. Just that it could be done.

October 6, 2011

Very Early Morning Update

Who would you be and what would you do if you had the opportunity to become exactly who you always dreamed you would be? I'm wrestling with that right now. I have the luxury of time, although that time is running out. My gut says if I could be anything in the world that I wanted, I'd be a writer. The thing is, though, I don't know what I'd write about on a regular basis. I struggle through trying to figure out what to write here every night...or morning as the case may be.

And if I could be a writer, how exactly do I find a way to make money and support myself and this burgeoning family that I have planned?

This last thing is what will drive me back into the classroom, I think. It's not that I don't think that teaching isn't a good job. It's just that I don't know if have the stomach to do the things that are necessary to keep a job. I have a hard time doing things that aren't in the best interest of children, and so much of what happens in education these days is not what is best for children. It is best for the adults in the buildings that are supposed to be about serving children. Kids get forgotten under the pressure of improving test scores.

I never thought I would ever say that teaching was my best option in terms of a salary, but in this economy, in this place where we are, that is probably the truth. A paycheck that comes like clockwork every month and provides a living that is greater than I could make elsewhere and the benefits that while aren't outstanding (much worse in MS than they were in Louisville) are still benefits. I just looked through the available jobs at higheredjobs.com, and I'm not seeing much. There is a possibility that there's something interesting in Montgomery. I suppose I need to actually dig a little deeper there.

There is so much for me to think about. I want to go to Chackbay, LA to take some pictures. A road trip would do me good, I think. Spend some time in the car, thinking, trying to figure out what it is that I think I need to do with my life. Maybe write a little. Sometimes I think that really what I need to do is just stop and quit trying to figure out what will make me happy and just go with life the way it is. Our grandparents didn't have the kinds of choices we did, and I think that they were generally happy with the directions that their lives took.

That flies in the face of the wisdom of Steve Jobs, who sadly passed away today. Jobs said,

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.

And I guess that means that not figuring it out isn't an option.

October 4, 2011

Very Late Evening Update

By the time this is over, I imagine that we will definitely be well into October 5th.

It's been a rough couple of days in my life. I've been unbelievably sad. I've got to do something about it, but I have no real idea what I'm going to do. I'm going to have to do something about it, though because I can't continue to allow a hurtful situation to happen around me. Yeah, I get it...people are entitled to their feelings and they are entitled to voice those feelings. But at the same time, after it's been expressed once, maybe twice, and it's hurtful to me--then I get to say, "I hear you. Now please shut up because this conversation isn't going to get either of us anywhere." Now to just say it. *sigh*

I got a call today from a place that I didn't want to hear from ever. It is convenient, and a job is a job. I keep reminding myself that. That a job is a job. And I could use a job. It's been bothering me that I am not contributing. That I don't get up and go to my work. I have money (well I will the 12th), so while a job isn't pressing, the longer I am unemployed, the harder it becomes to get a job. *sigh* So I'll call tomorrow and find out what offer is on the table. And I'll be sure to let them know that I have a trip scheduled from Oct 27-Nov 7 and will be unable to change that trip. So sorry. & if that is something that they can't handle, then I guess it will be my answer. I'm looking for a reason to not take this job because god I don't want to. However, I think it becomes a situation where I'm going to have to. I keep telling myself that the right position will come along. Is this is? With them coming to me? Beth said that several high school teachers have quit, so I'm sure that it is a classroom position. What to do, what to do, what to do. *sigh*

I have run the last two days. My muscles are so incredibly sore. So sore. Like hard to walk sore. Tomorrow is a cross-training day, which for me means walking, but I think I'm going to go ahead and hit the two miles anyway. It will make the four miles I have to do Saturday that much easier. Not that any of them will be easy. Just that I'll be in a groove. I suppose if I get a job, I'll be running as soon as I get home from work. *sigh*

We were supposed to go get engagement photos taken this weekend, but apparently the photographer friend has sold his equipment so he can pay the rent. Times are hard everywhere. I am thankful that I don't have to face decisions like that. That now means, of course, that we've got to find a photographer and find a way to squeeze that $800-1500 into the budget. A friend on facebook has hooked me up with a friend of hers who is looking to get into wedding photography. I'm hoping that equals a discount on the price. The photographer is about to have a baby, so I suppose that means I won't hear back from her for a bit.

I suppose that's enough for tonight, even though I am nowhere near ready for the bed.

October 2, 2011

Late Evening Update

I suppose that there is something I need to say. I haven't been here for a couple of days now. That means that I should have some kind of update, shouldn't I? The problem is, though, that I'm all kinds of blank. I've been blank since Friday. I've caught myself staring off into space, just kind of lost.

I've been lazy the last couple of weeks, and I haven't been running. I'm feeling like a blob, which means that I'll be getting up and trying to get back in the groove today. I've reset my training program to start me over. I am NOT going back to the 5K program. I'm just going to have to suck up the discomfort and get myself back on that particular horse.

Looks like I'm going to be heading not only to Colorado in a month or so but to Reno and CA as well. It will be good to be home and see old friends, spend time with them and provide some support. Feel useful, I guess.

I should be asleep because it is well into Monday, but the truth of the matter is that I'm not at all tired. I need to put together my stuff for my challenge. So I can figure out what exactly it is that I'm supposed to do tomorrow. I need to feel like I'm being productive. I realized the other day that I don't do much. At the very least I could be reading. I suppose that's what I'm going to do. Since I can't sleep. Go back and get a book to read. Or a magazine.