October 2009

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October 2009

October 27, 2009

Evening Update

I went to Missouri this weekend. I didn't really want to go, but I suppose that I'm glad I did. It was a long weekend, and I'm still recovering. I haven't been at work the last two days because my head has been killing me. I don't know if it was a lack of sleep or the stress, but I've been dying. Just when I think the headache is getting better, it hits me like a ton of bricks again. Killer.

Got into Cari's very late, or early depending on your perspective, Friday night. Hauled my sorry self out of the bed and was in Billings by 7:00. Uncle Wib and I worked pretty steadily all day long. Knocked off around 5. In that time, we managed to clean out the dressers in the bedroom and bag up most of the yarn and fabric in the spare room, as well as create about 12 bags of garbage. There was dust and dirt in that place that is 30 years old. By about 1 in the afternoon, I'd started coughing and wheezing. I told Uncle Wib, though, that we couldn't quit until we ran out of garbage bags, which is what we did.

Then I headed east and spent a little time with the GrandSner. She'd had an "episode" the day before and didn't get dressed on SAturday. She is thin and was pale. She looked sick. We had some pretty wide-ranging discussions, and the thing that I came away from it with was that she was at peace. She's accepted what's happening to her and understands why things are being done. She doesn't seem to want to argue, fuss, or fight. Just do it. Aunt Susan got her to write out what she wanted for her service, getting pretty specific and detailed about how things are going to be done. I think that's a good thing. When there aren't any questions, there isn't any room to argue.

Unless you're a person who is hellbent on arguing. I am not. Other people can do what they want, but I'm not going to argue about it. I brought home more than I intended to, but all of it was stuff that GrandSner said I could have. So. It's here at my house. I took some photos, and I think probably at Christmas when I go somewhere that has access to a scanner, I'm going to scan all of those photos, burn copies of them for folks who might want them, and then ship them off. Like a Christmas pressie. Savvy? That way no one gets to bitch....and people will actually have them. Unlike the promises that others made a decade ago and I'm still waiting on delivery.

Now the problem is organizing my home to hold the treasures. I've got the quilt tops under the bed in the spare room. I'm not sure exactly what to do with all the photos, though. Eventually I'd like to display them, I think. Which means I need to start looking for frames. I don't have enough table top space, so I think it will have to be on the walls. But where on the walls? There is one picture of Grandpa, Wayburn, and Madeline. Such great expressions on their faces.

I've got the spare bedroom ready to roll out. It's not exactly the way I want it to be, but it's the best I can do. The bed needs to be on the opposite side of the room, but that's where the clothes line is currently, and I'm too lazy to move that. So. Feng Shui be damned. Damned you hear me? Between now and Friday, I need to get the living room put together and the everything else cleaned up. I cleaned a couple of weeks ago (really cleaned) so I don't have to go all out this time. This time I can focus on the baseboards and all the gross pet hair that hides in places we don't want it to.

I need to refinish my chair. That would be a perfect weekend project for Shannon to help me with.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow afternoon. I was going to go to a different salon, but I can't get anyone at the place to pick up the phone. Things are getting dire with my hair, so I'm going to Indiana again. I could also use a massage. Unfortunately with a trip to MS coming up and gas prices climbing on top of Christmas shopping to start, I'll be putting that off until those prices start to drop.

I'm also going to be looking for a new chiropractor. The guy that I'm with right now is making me angry. Ono Thursday, a week and a half after my MRI, I finally got the results from him. On Thursday he told me that he'd call me the next day with the name of an ortho so I could make that appointment. Of course, I didn't hear from him. I called yesterday and left a message stating that I needed the referral and I'd like to make an appointment for an adjustment. Do you think I heard from him yesterday? or today? Tomorrow I'm going to call and I'm going to ask when it would be convenient for me to come by and pick up my records. I understand it's a busy practice and that he has a lot of patients he's working with. But this is my life. I'm hurting. If he can't at least do me the courtesy of making himself a note saying that he needs to get back to me...then fuck it. I'm sure there are other people who are willing to make my money. You know?

Of course after this weekend, my shoulder is screaming. It was kinda funny when i was at GrandSner's...Aunt Susan and Uncle Wib wouldn't let me load anything into my car myself for fear of hurting my shoulder. I wanted to ask, "what am I going to do when I get to the house and have to pull this stuff out of my car?" I didn't, though. They were cute and worried, so I let them do what they would.

Cari and Tim were good. Those babies are so sweet and getting so big. Hard to believe that Chloe is 6 and Addie is 4. Where does the time get away to? How is it that they're so much grown? And again...what am I doing with my life?

One of the things that Wib and Susan and I talked about was relationships and finding the person who is right for me. I have been advised to pray. To turn it over to the lord. To let his will be done. I suppose that's OK if that's what you believe in, but the problem is that I don't. I think I know what's right for me, but it's hard to reconcile myself to the reality of going back to making $36,000/year. With crappy insurance. I suppose, though, that if anything, I've learned the last year and a half that money isn't everything. So I guess maybe I need to not worry about that part of it.

Brandy is coming to visit this weekend, and I can't wait. We're doing the trolley hop on Friday night and then Saturday, it's looking like winery or distillery tours. Saturday night, we'll find some sort of trouble to get into. There's a big ol' party happening at 4th Street Live, but I'm thinking that Bardstown Road might be more the speed. We shall see, but it's going to be great fun. Not sure if we're wearing costumes, or not, although I suppose we could work up something easy. Shan is going as a dead ballerina. Dead prom queens? Dead drag queens? Snow men? Ghost bustsers? Dunno. That reminds me that I got to get some booze to make Halloween drinks and shots. I found one online for a sipping drink and then I have a shot book for the Princess that lists a brain drain. Looks gross, but should be yummy. So. We'll see.

Anyway. I need to get ready for bed. I fully intend to go to work tomorrow. I know that will be a shocker, but. Yeah. Going to work.

October 22, 2009

Evening Update

I am not going camping this weekend. Apparently Hurricane Rick is making the weather hellish, so instead, tomorrow night, when the worst of it is hitting here, I'll be making the 8 hour drive to Missouri. It seems like that might be the smarter idea all the way around.

I don't know what's going on, but I think that there will probably be a clearer picture when I get there. At any rate, Cob and I will be hanging out with Cari. I'm taking the rum creme, and she's getting the rest of the stuff to make hummingbirds. Perhaps it will be better under the influence of alcohol. The divisions that are evident...I don't understand it. None of it really makes a lot of sense to me. It's just stuff.

At the same time, I know that when the other grandparents passed away, I was left without "stuff"...and I know what that feels like. So, stuff is important. But of all the stuff, I only want a little piece of it. The stuff that I want is what is important to me. It's stuff that I have an attachment to. Strong memories. It's not about the things. It's about what they bring back to me. It's about knowing that for some stupid reason, there won't ever be green beans made just for me in that particular pan. And even if I get a pan like that, and I make green beans with bacon and the piece of onion that I don't really like, they're not ever going to taste like those did. It's not about just having that pan/pot. Because any pot/pan will do if it's just about the pot/pan and a recipe.

But it's about that memory. I don't have associations that strong with much else there. Nothing that I can think of, actually. It is tempting to get petty about things, but I'm not sure what the point is. Whatever. I suppose in the end none of it really matters. Stuff is just stuff, and none of it is really going to matter much in the end, is it?

Feeling slightly more mellowdramatic than all of that, but those things are best kept within the darkness of my soul, I think. Kinda really think that the best thing for me might really be heading to the woods and mountains for a weekend in the rain. Since everything else seems to be neatly tied up.

Got the results of my MRI today. No tears and no surgery but rather a chronic condition. I have a little bit of tendonitis and a lot of arthritis. So. The next step is a referral to an ortho for steroids to control the inflammation along with rehab/therapy to prevent the tendonitis from coming back. For the arthritis, it's pain management.

I now have arthritis in my right hip and my right shoulder. Silver hair sprouting from my head, white hair in my eyebrows. It's like I went to bed and woke up old.

I need to finish my laundry and pack. My shoulder hurts, and I'm tired. Tomorrow is going to be a really long day. If I go home, I'll be driving in the rain, which makes me sleepy. So. Things to do.

October 21, 2009

Evening Update

I am still exhausted. Not quite sure what that is all about. I could barely get out of bed this morning. I kid you not. When the alarm(s) were going off, I had no idea what was happening.

Called the doctor about the results of my MRI. Surprise, surprise, surprise there was no return call. Going to talk to them again tomorrow. Or try to talk to them. Grrrr. I did, however, go and get my flu shot today. I asked about H1N1, and I was told that I needed to contact my local health department...as an educator, I'd be in a priority group but behind the preggers and the small fuzzes.

My principal told me Monday that STM has been in the hospital and that it's pretty serious. His neighbor has children who go to school with her son, and she was telling him all about it. It really is a small world. He's asked me several times if she was still working at the paper because she hasn't had many stories. I tell him that I don't know. I do know, though, that gastric bypass is a serious surgery with potentially life-threatening consequences. One of my teachers has been back in the hospital three times since school started because of complications. At one point she couldn't even drink water. Seems like a big chance to take when it could be handled by exercise and diet.

The GrandSner isn't going to get to come home...so the house is being sold. It's possible that it will be done by the end of the month. That's fast. It of course means that things have to be distributed and sorted out. I want two things. The cast iron dutch oven because my memories are of the green beans with onions and bacon...cooked in that thing. She's already given me her deep fryer. I also want the wedding rings. I called and talked to her tonight, and I was supposed to ask her to put it in writing, but I didn't know how to say it. She's not wearing her rings right now, and it some how seems wrong to be picking over the bones when she's not gone. Even though I know that you should do that before someone dies so that there isn't any question. Maybe the next time I call it won't be so out of the blue.

Such a difficult thing.

Grandma's situation makes me wonder what will happen to me when I get to that point. I know it has to be difficult for her to be essentially alone. Her brother's family is there, but her children are far away. Her brother's family is finally stepping in, but I won't have that option. It makes you think about the choices you make and what you've built. I'm not entirely sure what I've been working towards.

Work is frustrating to me right now. It's a lot of work. And I'm not sure that it's being appreciated. I also lose patience quickly with the people who refuse to go above and beyond or who don't cut it and aren't willing to change. Kids can't afford for teachers to waste their time. They can't. It's too much to bear. There has to be some sort of pressure applied, and I can't do it. I have no teeth. I can give them good strategies and write their lesson plans, but if they let students blow it off, if they take the attitude that kids "refuse" to work...then my work means nothing.

I can't believe that we're already almost at the end of October. Where in the hell does the time go?

October 19, 2009

Evening Update

Good lord I feel like hell. It was like the air was just let out of me. I need to be doing work, but I can't quite seem to function. I'm wearing my robe but I'm burning up. Head is starting to hurt. Going to go to bed here in a minute. I need to go to sleep in awhile so I can try to get up and get this work done.

Stopped on the way home and picked up the accessories for my phone that I will need when it arrives tomorrow. Namely the case and the memory card. I was expecting to pay $35 for the two of them. It was $17. Apparently the case was on clearance and the card was on sale. Woo-hoo! Phone will be here tomorrow. Very happy about that. Without having my calendar, I have been lost all day long. I knew that I was pretty dependent upon the thing, but not having it today was eye-opening. I kept reaching for it.

My boss gave me Monday November 9 off so I can drive home from the writing retreat. I'm not sure that he realizes what he really did when he agreed to that. That means, that when I rocket out of here on Wednesday, I'll have three days off. Now I just need to find someone to take care of my sweet doggie for the 2.5 days I'll be at the retreat. Any of my south MS peeps wanna volunteer? She's the bestest. Really. Even though when I couldn't find her about an hour ago, she was sacked out on my bed. Bad Doggie. Bad, bad doggie.

OK. Going to bed. Exhausted. My doggie and I are heading off to sleeping.

October 18, 2009

Evening Update

I know that I promised to be witty and insightful this weekend, but I'm afraid that's just not going to happen. As many long-time readers know, I tend to get fixated. So right now I'm fixated.

It had the makings of a decent weekend. Really. I stayed home Friday night because it was cold and rainy and I didn't feel like being out among the muck once I got home. So. I came home and let the doggie out then went to the liquor store (one was closing and had clearance deals which meant I stocked up a little), some Thai food, and some stuff to make a pot roast since it's cold outside. Believe it or not...it was a good night.

Saturday started off well. I did a buttload of shopping and got my nails done. Picked up a bed frame for the guest suite relatively cheaply ($60 which is better than the $100 that I saw most places). I could use an end table/night stand in there, and although there are lots of places going out of business, none of them are really having deals on their stuff yet. Although I did see a recliner at one of the stores that I really liked. It was only $225. I just need to recover mine, though, and it's fine. (that could be added to the Christmas wish list, if you like...or a good slip cover. The one I bought was pretty crappy. Speaking of the wish list, I had to update the info about the moleskine notebook. If you were thinking about one of those, please see the update) Somewhere along the way, though, I lost my phone.

I was sure that I had it when I left Petsmart (where I bought dog and cat food), but when I came in the house I couldn't find it. I was going to call Beth and catch up with her, but my phone wasn't in my pocket. Then I searched the car. And the house again. And the car again. I finally figured I'd just not worry about it because if it was in the house, it would go off with the alarm in the morning. It didn't go of this morning. So. I tracked myself back to Petsmart and they didn't find it. And Marshalls (where I was pretty sure it wasn't because I didn't buy anything there). When neither of those places had it, I went on to the AT&T store to suspend my service and file a claim under my insurance. They're sending me a new phone for $50. It should be here on Tuesday.

I last did a back-up of my blackberry a couple of weeks ago, so it shouldn't be that big of a headache to import my "stuff" to it. There are a couple fo numbers that I'll need to find again. But other than that, it shouldn't be too big of a deal. Will need to go and get a new micro SD card. In looking at my online records, it seems like someone was doing a whole bunch with the AT&T store throughout the night. Sending a bunch of stuff. I'll need to look at my bill carefully when it comes through, and in fact, I think I'll need to call them about that when I get service back again. *sigh*

I can't believe I left it somewhere. Good grief. What was I thinking? It had been in my pocket or in my hand all day long.

After we got the phone taken care of at the mall, I headed across the way to Radio Shack and picked up an Ipod docking alarm clock. I've got it set now, and I really hope it goes off in the morning. If it doesn't...not good.

I also took my sweet doggie to Feeder's Supply and did a doggie wash. She did not like getting washed there, but it was easy. For $9 and half an hour of our time, she left clean, smelling like banana bread (the soothing shampoo because she's been gnawing on her hind legs...we're going to have to go to the vet), and completely dry. All of her gross hair went down their drain. For that price, I can handle it.

Then it was home to I can't remember what. I think I did some reading of the paper. Watched a little football. Had left-over Thai. Took a nap. And now...eh.

Someone mentioned goulash today, and now I'm thinking about perhaps making some. No offense to my Sner, but I don't remember being terribly fond of her version of it. I googled for some "authentic" recipes, and I found one that I think I could really like. Basically looks like stew meat browned and simmered in a whole bunch of onions, some good paprika (gotta get some of that), and some green pepper (not bell). Served with dumplings or noodles or potatoes. So maybe that will be after I come back from camping. I think I'm going to make chili to take camping with me. it's going to be cold up there the mountains. Will need to make sure I take plenty of booze to keep me warm. And remember the doggie's sweaters and coat. Trying to figure out now how to do corn bread over an open fire. I also need to figure out how to bank a fire so it's not so difficult to get warm in the mornings.

It's late. I need to get to bed. More tomorrow. Maybe.

October 15, 2009

Evening Update

Extraordinarily unhappy right now. Extraordinarily. The number one thing I'm thinking right now is that if I wanted to be ignored and feeling like I don't matter while being told that I was cared for and important, I'd still be talking to Brad.

I know that I've asked this question before, but I don't know what it is about me that allows men to walk away from me. What is wrong with me?

I tripped coming up the stairs at the apartment tonight. I didn't fall and hit my knee again or my shoulder. But I did hit my toe. And it hurts like a motherfucker. I was thinking about getting a pedicure this weekend, but I'm afraid of what they would say when they see that toenail because this isn't the first time I've banged it. (it's still covered in a dark polish, although not the I'm With Brad Polish)

Tomorrow night I have to do Showcase of Schools and then I think I'm going to Pinktober. Or Zombieland. Saturday is shopping and Where the Wild Things Are. Considering purchasing a flask.

I promise to be witty and insightful some time this weekend.

October 14, 2009

Evening Update

It appears that I cannot win for losing. This morning on my way upstairs to start EPD presentations--hand-outs, coffee mug, thermos, laptop, notebook in my arms--I somehow managed to miss a step and fell UP the stairs. I honestly don't know how it happened. All I know is that suddenly I was pitching forward, and my coffee mug, the one I picked up in GSMNP, was smashing into the steps. It shattered into several large pieces that I picked up before ducking into a classroom and asking someone to call for a clean-up. *sigh*

I had to go to the worker's comp doctor, and that was a bit of an eye-opening experience for me. He ordered xrays, even though just by touch we knew it was just that I banged my knee on the step. Then when it was conclusively proven that it was just a bruised knee (and to be sure, it's a bruised knee...it's already bruised and there's a goose egg popping out from my knee), he asked me if I wanted him to write me out of work for the rest of the week. When I said no, he offered me percocet for the pain. My response was to ask if he really thought I needed a narcotic for a bruised knee, wouldn't Advil or Tylenol (and liberal amounts of bourbon?) take care of that problem? He asked if I needed a prescription for those. Ummmmm...no, no, that's alright. In retrospect, I probably should have taken the prescription, filled it, and had it available for my painful shoulder. I was just so floored that I wasn't thinking.

Anyway. My right shoulder is killing me and my left knee hurts. Ouch.

I've done a ton of work in the last couple of days. *sigh* Killing me. There's going to be a ton of work in the next day as well. I've got to get the lesson plans for the next week done. Ugh. Not looking forward to that, although one day is kinda already written, which is a good thing. I suppose. Also have curriculum for our reading intervention course to write. And PD for my teachers. I was up until 2 last night putting together a presentation. I would have been done around midnight, but the program shut down and apparently I hadn't saved things. *sigh*

I've updated my Christmas list. Feel free to select a pressie from the list.

Tomorrow night I'm going to a live taping of the Bob Edwards show. This I Believe. I'd almost forgotten about it because my ticket is at Will Call.

Friday night I have to work downtown for Showcase of Schools, and I think I might stay for Pinktober at the Hard Rock. Better Than Ezra and Michelle Branch will be playing. I don't really care about Michelle Branch, but I do love me some Better Than Ezra.

Because my Charge is coming to visit for Halloween, this weekend I must find the final touches on the guest "suite" (a bed frame and a night stand) as well as a Halloween costume. I think we're going to go as Ghost Busters. I also want to head out to Bernheim. The fall color festival is kicking off on Saturday.

I have a new neighbor. Have I mentioned her? I can't remember her name, although I want to say to say that it starts with an "M"? A Melanie? Melissa? She's from Oklahoma. Sweet, I think. She has rats. She came over tonight to borrow salt. Said that her mom and sister were here cooking and they couldn't find hers. When she brought it back, she, of course, noticed the stack of reading books on my table. Then she asked me if I was a teacher. When I responded affirmatively, she said that she was too...or that she wanted to be. She's secondary social studies and hasn't been able to find a job. I get the feeling that could turn into a sticky situation. I hope not...but I'm already wary.

Feeling a little bit of abandonment issues right now. It's like I'm playing the same games...only with different names. That does not make me happy. Pisses me off, really.

October 12, 2009

Evening Update

Had my MRI tonight, and I don't feel good now. I apparently had a strange reaction. I feel like I've been put through a blender. Chewed up and spit out. It was like the magnet was trying to pull my insides out of me. Seriously. Being in the tube didn't bother me. Listening to the thing whir and make all that gawd awful racket wasn't a problem. I'm wiped out. Seriously wiped out. Sick. Absolutely sick.

I've had dinner, but it's not helping. I think I just need to go to bed.

I handled my little facebook problem this evening. I feel really bad about it, but I had to do something. I sent him a message on facebook, and he's not responded, even though he's online. That's probably for the better

October 11, 2009

Evening Update

So the weekend didn't go the way that it was planned, and that really, really bums me out. I was really looking forward to it. I don't do real well with changes in plans to begin with, but when I'm really looking forward to it, it's worse. I'm actually still kinda pissed about it. I'm trying not to be because it makes me a bitch, but dammit...there's a hole that needs to be dug out of. It reminds me of the last night I was home, and I sat waiting for him for nothing. That kinda pissed/hurt feeling.

And it's an odd feeling of deja vu. Like while the names change, the situation is the same. Not digging that at all.

I did the Race for the Cure on Saturday It was a much better course than last year, and there were a whole lot more people there. I took my doggie with me, which may have been a mistake. There were 10,000 people there, and while she's a GREAT doggie, that's a lot for her to take in. When you combine that with ignorant parents who let their children just run up and beat on a doggie, it's rough on a girlie. She did well, though, as she always does. There were a ton of other doggies out there, and she wanted to socialize. The only really bad moment was when we went by the drumline the second time with the cymbals crashing. That about did her in. Good thing it was towards the end.

We wandered around town and picked up a sandwich for lunch. Then came home, took some pain medication for my shoulder, and went to sleep. We slept until almost 1:30 in the morning. Good stuff.

Speaking of the shoulder, I have an MRI tomorrow night at 6:10. It's over by work, but I'm going to have to leave work, come home, let the doggie out, and then go back.

I'm having an issue with a boy who likes me, whom I am not interested in that way. I spend my days at work finding ways to avoid him. Online at night, I ignore him. But according to him, I'm one of his best friends. My colleagues have told him that I have a boyfriend, but today, when I posted on facebook that I needed address updates, that he wanted a Halloween seduction from an awesome friend. WTF? Are you serious? I guess since he doesn't get subtle, I'm going to have to be blunt. I don't want to hurt him because I'm pretty sure that he hasn't had a lot of experience with such, but at the same time...good lord. It's cruel to let him go on making a fool of himself.

I bought flowers Friday night. Some sunflowers and some red mums. I need another something to put in with them to fill it out. I was going to buy another bunch of flowers (they were all $5 at Wally World), but I bought bourbon and thought that maybe I'd spent enough money.

The trees are starting to turn here. Some of them are turning some lovely colors. I'm camping again the weekend of the 24th, and I'm worried that the color will be past when I'm back there. I'm also worried about snow. The 15 day forecast (ha) says that the 23rd, there's going to be snow flurries here in Louisville. I have a three season tent. I guess that means I need to pack both my down comforter and the other down comforter...it will go on top of the air mattress, which will be filled with air that will get freezing cold and seep through to my body. I'm thinking about making chili the next time I go camping. Going to need to figure out how to make cornbread in my cast iron skillet.

I know I've already given you a couple of Christmas pressie ideas, but I think I'm going to dedicate a page to it because I've thought of a few others. So. Click here and get some ideas.

The GrandSner isn't doing well. She's in a nursing home right now. Sner is in the air, on her way home to get some things taken care of at the house while GrandSner isn't home. It makes me wonder what I've spent this life of mine building. When she dies it will be me, the Sner, my uncle (and his family) and my worthless brother. And what does that equal? When they are gone, who will claim me? What legacy am I leaving behind? I don't know so much that I'm talking about children, but I'm feeling the need for some sort of permanence in my life. Some roots. Some sense of belonging. I'm not getting any older...and it's time. I'm ready for commitment in my life and someone who is ready to commit to me. I ready to start building *that*. I just gotta find someone who is on the same path I am.

I suppose I should say something about President obama winning the Nobel prize. I really am not sure what that's about. Can there have been absolutely no one else who was qualified to be the winner? I was never an Obama acolyte. I voted for him because I couldn't vote for Sarah Palin. I think there's some really good things about Obama, but he's not the second coming. He is another politician, and I'm pretty sure he's not deserving of this award. Not that the Nobel means anything these days anyway. If they're willing to give it to Yassar Arafat, then how can it mean anything?

Have watched the last football game; need to go to bed. Have to be at work early tomorrow. Ugh.

October 9, 2009

Evening Update

I was stupidly happy today. So incredibly, stupidly happy. Through all of the shit today, stupidly happy.

One of these days I will learn. One of these days I'll figure out that there is nothing to be hopeful about and to not expect anything until it actually presents itself.

My house is mostly clean. I need to get in the shower, have some dinner, and go to bed. The Race for the Cure is in the morning. I have to get up and go to it.

I have an MRI scheduled for Monday night at 6:10. Finally. About fucking time.

October 4, 2009

Evening Update

I am home from camping, and I think that in a couple of weeks, I'm going to head back that direction. I know it's a bit of sacrilege to say, but I'm seriously considering making my annual western Kentucky trip a Great Smoky Mountains trip. That's a pretty big thing for me. I've been going to Land Between the Lakes for five years now. It's my tradition. One of the more stable things in my life. But I'm thinking about changing it. I've got to make the decision in a couple of days in order to ensure a camp site. Things are booking up because fall is, understandably a busy season in those parts.

There was something out there with Cob and I in the woods. Something other than fellow campers. The first night, on the way to the campsite, I saw a coyote. There were bear warnings everywhere, but I didn't see one of those. I heard owls hoot and elk bugle. The first night I kept hearing something off in the woods, coming from the river (my site was river-side). I'm sure it was just something like a squirrel. Those things make lots of noise, more than you'd think that they would. But last night, I'm almost positive that I saw a coyote up close to the camp. I was sitting near the roaring fire I'd built (bought too much wood), writing, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw something grey-ish move. Cob got up and went to the end of her lead, but whatever it was had disappeared. She kept getting up and moving around. Very restless little dog. Then this morning when I got up and was going to start the fire for breakfast, the bag holding the firestarter log was covered (and I do mean covered) in piss. So. Yeah. There was something out there.

I've decided that my goal is to visit all the national parks. I love them. I don't know what it is, and I feel a bit like a dork for loving them, but I do. So. There are 58 National Parks. I was gonna list out the ones I've been too, but it's hard to find a list that includes just the national parks and not the national recreations areas or monuments. When I start including all of those, then it gets to be a huge list. But I want just the parks. I found a list of 57 and of those, I've been to: Great Smoky Mountains, Grand Canyon, Death Valley, Lassen Volcanic, Redwoods, Zion, Rocky Mountain, Grand Teton, Congaree and Yellowstone. I forgot about Congaree (which is in South Carolina). Next weekend, I think I'm going to head down to Mammoth and that will make 11 on the list. The next time I drive home to NV, I'm going to have to hit Great Basin and Yosemite. Maybe a couple of places in Colorado if I'm going to see Shannon. There are a whole bunch of them in Alaska, and I'm not sure how I'm going to arrange that trip, but rest assured...I will.

If someone were thinking about a Christmas pressie, you could get me a National Parks Passport. (They're $7.95 and can be ordered online) In addition to that as a Christmas pressie, you might consider a new cooler, a subscription to Real Simple magazine, a new sleeping bag. I'm pretty sure there was something else, but I can't remember it right this minute.

I need to go to bed. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. I should have done a bunch of it this weekend, but I didn't even get a book read this weekend. I was too busy going and looking. I read a magazine, and I wrote (which reminds me, I need a new journal...that's another thing to add to the Christmas list. You can always get me moleskine, pocket-sized, plain journal. It has the lime green sleeve on it if you're in the bookstore faced with a display of moleskines...pens too. Pilot G-2 O7. Blue)

My doggie is passed out at my feet. I might have forgotten to take her coat or her sweaters with us, and she was a shivering doggie last night. Somehow she wound up with my flannel quilt all wrapped around her. I had covered her up with it before we went to bed, but it was covering me too. When I woke up this morning, it was not covering me at all. Good thing that the down comforter works well for me. It was cold out there, make no mistake (I could see my breath most of the time...daytime highs in the low 60s, nighttime lows in the lower 40s), but I was comfortable under just the down comforter. (my sleeping bag is used to insulate me from the freezing air in the air mattress...it can be pulled over me if need be, but mostly I lay on it. I don't like feeling confined by it) She really wanted to go swimming in the river that was just steps away from us, but if she'd managed that feat, she'd have been sleeping out with the coyotes and bears. No way a wet doggie would be in the tent with me at night. I'm a mean, mean mommy. Sorry kid.

My shoulder hurts, but it's not any worse than it has been. I've noticed what feels like a lot of muscle fatigue. Like I've been doing a bunch of reps with some heavy weights? Even a little shaking after I got the car loaded up this morning. Then the last two nights I've woken up with a completely numb hand. Trying to turn off the alarm was extremely difficult. I'm calling the chiropractor tomorrow morning to see what the update on the MRI is. I'm sort of thinking that the office manager may have forgotten that she was supposed to do it. If that's the case, then I'll tell them to forget it and go to my regular doctor. That kind of stuff makes me cranky. I know they have a lot of patients, but this is painful for me. All weekend, I was trying to be extremely careful about my arm...moving in ways that are not natural for me, being careful. But I couldn't manage it all the time. It really is an impairment to my life. You know?

I had lots of thoughts this weekend as I was out there with just myself and the dog. Some things I probably shouldn't be pondering because then I get into trouble, and those things will stay within the pages of those little black books.

Going to bed. Tired. Gotta get up early. Ugh.

Last Updated October 29, 2009

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October 27, 2009

Evening Update

I went to Missouri this weekend. I didn't really want to go, but I suppose that I'm glad I did. It was a long weekend, and I'm still recovering. I haven't been at work the last two days because my head has been killing me. I don't know if it was a lack of sleep or the stress, but I've been dying. Just when I think the headache is getting better, it hits me like a ton of bricks again. Killer.

Got into Cari's very late, or early depending on your perspective, Friday night. Hauled my sorry self out of the bed and was in Billings by 7:00. Uncle Wib and I worked pretty steadily all day long. Knocked off around 5. In that time, we managed to clean out the dressers in the bedroom and bag up most of the yarn and fabric in the spare room, as well as create about 12 bags of garbage. There was dust and dirt in that place that is 30 years old. By about 1 in the afternoon, I'd started coughing and wheezing. I told Uncle Wib, though, that we couldn't quit until we ran out of garbage bags, which is what we did.

Then I headed east and spent a little time with the GrandSner. She'd had an "episode" the day before and didn't get dressed on SAturday. She is thin and was pale. She looked sick. We had some pretty wide-ranging discussions, and the thing that I came away from it with was that she was at peace. She's accepted what's happening to her and understands why things are being done. She doesn't seem to want to argue, fuss, or fight. Just do it. Aunt Susan got her to write out what she wanted for her service, getting pretty specific and detailed about how things are going to be done. I think that's a good thing. When there aren't any questions, there isn't any room to argue.

Unless you're a person who is hellbent on arguing. I am not. Other people can do what they want, but I'm not going to argue about it. I brought home more than I intended to, but all of it was stuff that GrandSner said I could have. So. It's here at my house. I took some photos, and I think probably at Christmas when I go somewhere that has access to a scanner, I'm going to scan all of those photos, burn copies of them for folks who might want them, and then ship them off. Like a Christmas pressie. Savvy? That way no one gets to bitch....and people will actually have them. Unlike the promises that others made a decade ago and I'm still waiting on delivery.

Now the problem is organizing my home to hold the treasures. I've got the quilt tops under the bed in the spare room. I'm not sure exactly what to do with all the photos, though. Eventually I'd like to display them, I think. Which means I need to start looking for frames. I don't have enough table top space, so I think it will have to be on the walls. But where on the walls? There is one picture of Grandpa, Wayburn, and Madeline. Such great expressions on their faces.

I've got the spare bedroom ready to roll out. It's not exactly the way I want it to be, but it's the best I can do. The bed needs to be on the opposite side of the room, but that's where the clothes line is currently, and I'm too lazy to move that. So. Feng Shui be damned. Damned you hear me? Between now and Friday, I need to get the living room put together and the everything else cleaned up. I cleaned a couple of weeks ago (really cleaned) so I don't have to go all out this time. This time I can focus on the baseboards and all the gross pet hair that hides in places we don't want it to.

I need to refinish my chair. That would be a perfect weekend project for Shannon to help me with.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow afternoon. I was going to go to a different salon, but I can't get anyone at the place to pick up the phone. Things are getting dire with my hair, so I'm going to Indiana again. I could also use a massage. Unfortunately with a trip to MS coming up and gas prices climbing on top of Christmas shopping to start, I'll be putting that off until those prices start to drop.

I'm also going to be looking for a new chiropractor. The guy that I'm with right now is making me angry. Ono Thursday, a week and a half after my MRI, I finally got the results from him. On Thursday he told me that he'd call me the next day with the name of an ortho so I could make that appointment. Of course, I didn't hear from him. I called yesterday and left a message stating that I needed the referral and I'd like to make an appointment for an adjustment. Do you think I heard from him yesterday? or today? Tomorrow I'm going to call and I'm going to ask when it would be convenient for me to come by and pick up my records. I understand it's a busy practice and that he has a lot of patients he's working with. But this is my life. I'm hurting. If he can't at least do me the courtesy of making himself a note saying that he needs to get back to me...then fuck it. I'm sure there are other people who are willing to make my money. You know?

Of course after this weekend, my shoulder is screaming. It was kinda funny when i was at GrandSner's...Aunt Susan and Uncle Wib wouldn't let me load anything into my car myself for fear of hurting my shoulder. I wanted to ask, "what am I going to do when I get to the house and have to pull this stuff out of my car?" I didn't, though. They were cute and worried, so I let them do what they would.

Cari and Tim were good. Those babies are so sweet and getting so big. Hard to believe that Chloe is 6 and Addie is 4. Where does the time get away to? How is it that they're so much grown? And again...what am I doing with my life?

One of the things that Wib and Susan and I talked about was relationships and finding the person who is right for me. I have been advised to pray. To turn it over to the lord. To let his will be done. I suppose that's OK if that's what you believe in, but the problem is that I don't. I think I know what's right for me, but it's hard to reconcile myself to the reality of going back to making $36,000/year. With crappy insurance. I suppose, though, that if anything, I've learned the last year and a half that money isn't everything. So I guess maybe I need to not worry about that part of it.

Brandy is coming to visit this weekend, and I can't wait. We're doing the trolley hop on Friday night and then Saturday, it's looking like winery or distillery tours. Saturday night, we'll find some sort of trouble to get into. There's a big ol' party happening at 4th Street Live, but I'm thinking that Bardstown Road might be more the speed. We shall see, but it's going to be great fun. Not sure if we're wearing costumes, or not, although I suppose we could work up something easy. Shan is going as a dead ballerina. Dead prom queens? Dead drag queens? Snow men? Ghost bustsers? Dunno. That reminds me that I got to get some booze to make Halloween drinks and shots. I found one online for a sipping drink and then I have a shot book for the Princess that lists a brain drain. Looks gross, but should be yummy. So. We'll see.

Anyway. I need to get ready for bed. I fully intend to go to work tomorrow. I know that will be a shocker, but. Yeah. Going to work.

October 22, 2009

Evening Update

I am not going camping this weekend. Apparently Hurricane Rick is making the weather hellish, so instead, tomorrow night, when the worst of it is hitting here, I'll be making the 8 hour drive to Missouri. It seems like that might be the smarter idea all the way around.

I don't know what's going on, but I think that there will probably be a clearer picture when I get there. At any rate, Cob and I will be hanging out with Cari. I'm taking the rum creme, and she's getting the rest of the stuff to make hummingbirds. Perhaps it will be better under the influence of alcohol. The divisions that are evident...I don't understand it. None of it really makes a lot of sense to me. It's just stuff.

At the same time, I know that when the other grandparents passed away, I was left without "stuff"...and I know what that feels like. So, stuff is important. But of all the stuff, I only want a little piece of it. The stuff that I want is what is important to me. It's stuff that I have an attachment to. Strong memories. It's not about the things. It's about what they bring back to me. It's about knowing that for some stupid reason, there won't ever be green beans made just for me in that particular pan. And even if I get a pan like that, and I make green beans with bacon and the piece of onion that I don't really like, they're not ever going to taste like those did. It's not about just having that pan/pot. Because any pot/pan will do if it's just about the pot/pan and a recipe.

But it's about that memory. I don't have associations that strong with much else there. Nothing that I can think of, actually. It is tempting to get petty about things, but I'm not sure what the point is. Whatever. I suppose in the end none of it really matters. Stuff is just stuff, and none of it is really going to matter much in the end, is it?

Feeling slightly more mellowdramatic than all of that, but those things are best kept within the darkness of my soul, I think. Kinda really think that the best thing for me might really be heading to the woods and mountains for a weekend in the rain. Since everything else seems to be neatly tied up.

Got the results of my MRI today. No tears and no surgery but rather a chronic condition. I have a little bit of tendonitis and a lot of arthritis. So. The next step is a referral to an ortho for steroids to control the inflammation along with rehab/therapy to prevent the tendonitis from coming back. For the arthritis, it's pain management.

I now have arthritis in my right hip and my right shoulder. Silver hair sprouting from my head, white hair in my eyebrows. It's like I went to bed and woke up old.

I need to finish my laundry and pack. My shoulder hurts, and I'm tired. Tomorrow is going to be a really long day. If I go home, I'll be driving in the rain, which makes me sleepy. So. Things to do.

October 21, 2009

Evening Update

I am still exhausted. Not quite sure what that is all about. I could barely get out of bed this morning. I kid you not. When the alarm(s) were going off, I had no idea what was happening.

Called the doctor about the results of my MRI. Surprise, surprise, surprise there was no return call. Going to talk to them again tomorrow. Or try to talk to them. Grrrr. I did, however, go and get my flu shot today. I asked about H1N1, and I was told that I needed to contact my local health department...as an educator, I'd be in a priority group but behind the preggers and the small fuzzes.

My principal told me Monday that STM has been in the hospital and that it's pretty serious. His neighbor has children who go to school with her son, and she was telling him all about it. It really is a small world. He's asked me several times if she was still working at the paper because she hasn't had many stories. I tell him that I don't know. I do know, though, that gastric bypass is a serious surgery with potentially life-threatening consequences. One of my teachers has been back in the hospital three times since school started because of complications. At one point she couldn't even drink water. Seems like a big chance to take when it could be handled by exercise and diet.

The GrandSner isn't going to get to come home...so the house is being sold. It's possible that it will be done by the end of the month. That's fast. It of course means that things have to be distributed and sorted out. I want two things. The cast iron dutch oven because my memories are of the green beans with onions and bacon...cooked in that thing. She's already given me her deep fryer. I also want the wedding rings. I called and talked to her tonight, and I was supposed to ask her to put it in writing, but I didn't know how to say it. She's not wearing her rings right now, and it some how seems wrong to be picking over the bones when she's not gone. Even though I know that you should do that before someone dies so that there isn't any question. Maybe the next time I call it won't be so out of the blue.

Such a difficult thing.

Grandma's situation makes me wonder what will happen to me when I get to that point. I know it has to be difficult for her to be essentially alone. Her brother's family is there, but her children are far away. Her brother's family is finally stepping in, but I won't have that option. It makes you think about the choices you make and what you've built. I'm not entirely sure what I've been working towards.

Work is frustrating to me right now. It's a lot of work. And I'm not sure that it's being appreciated. I also lose patience quickly with the people who refuse to go above and beyond or who don't cut it and aren't willing to change. Kids can't afford for teachers to waste their time. They can't. It's too much to bear. There has to be some sort of pressure applied, and I can't do it. I have no teeth. I can give them good strategies and write their lesson plans, but if they let students blow it off, if they take the attitude that kids "refuse" to work...then my work means nothing.

I can't believe that we're already almost at the end of October. Where in the hell does the time go?

October 19, 2009

Evening Update

Good lord I feel like hell. It was like the air was just let out of me. I need to be doing work, but I can't quite seem to function. I'm wearing my robe but I'm burning up. Head is starting to hurt. Going to go to bed here in a minute. I need to go to sleep in awhile so I can try to get up and get this work done.

Stopped on the way home and picked up the accessories for my phone that I will need when it arrives tomorrow. Namely the case and the memory card. I was expecting to pay $35 for the two of them. It was $17. Apparently the case was on clearance and the card was on sale. Woo-hoo! Phone will be here tomorrow. Very happy about that. Without having my calendar, I have been lost all day long. I knew that I was pretty dependent upon the thing, but not having it today was eye-opening. I kept reaching for it.

My boss gave me Monday November 9 off so I can drive home from the writing retreat. I'm not sure that he realizes what he really did when he agreed to that. That means, that when I rocket out of here on Wednesday, I'll have three days off. Now I just need to find someone to take care of my sweet doggie for the 2.5 days I'll be at the retreat. Any of my south MS peeps wanna volunteer? She's the bestest. Really. Even though when I couldn't find her about an hour ago, she was sacked out on my bed. Bad Doggie. Bad, bad doggie.

OK. Going to bed. Exhausted. My doggie and I are heading off to sleeping.

October 18, 2009

Evening Update

I know that I promised to be witty and insightful this weekend, but I'm afraid that's just not going to happen. As many long-time readers know, I tend to get fixated. So right now I'm fixated.

It had the makings of a decent weekend. Really. I stayed home Friday night because it was cold and rainy and I didn't feel like being out among the muck once I got home. So. I came home and let the doggie out then went to the liquor store (one was closing and had clearance deals which meant I stocked up a little), some Thai food, and some stuff to make a pot roast since it's cold outside. Believe it or not...it was a good night.

Saturday started off well. I did a buttload of shopping and got my nails done. Picked up a bed frame for the guest suite relatively cheaply ($60 which is better than the $100 that I saw most places). I could use an end table/night stand in there, and although there are lots of places going out of business, none of them are really having deals on their stuff yet. Although I did see a recliner at one of the stores that I really liked. It was only $225. I just need to recover mine, though, and it's fine. (that could be added to the Christmas wish list, if you like...or a good slip cover. The one I bought was pretty crappy. Speaking of the wish list, I had to update the info about the moleskine notebook. If you were thinking about one of those, please see the update) Somewhere along the way, though, I lost my phone.

I was sure that I had it when I left Petsmart (where I bought dog and cat food), but when I came in the house I couldn't find it. I was going to call Beth and catch up with her, but my phone wasn't in my pocket. Then I searched the car. And the house again. And the car again. I finally figured I'd just not worry about it because if it was in the house, it would go off with the alarm in the morning. It didn't go of this morning. So. I tracked myself back to Petsmart and they didn't find it. And Marshalls (where I was pretty sure it wasn't because I didn't buy anything there). When neither of those places had it, I went on to the AT&T store to suspend my service and file a claim under my insurance. They're sending me a new phone for $50. It should be here on Tuesday.

I last did a back-up of my blackberry a couple of weeks ago, so it shouldn't be that big of a headache to import my "stuff" to it. There are a couple fo numbers that I'll need to find again. But other than that, it shouldn't be too big of a deal. Will need to go and get a new micro SD card. In looking at my online records, it seems like someone was doing a whole bunch with the AT&T store throughout the night. Sending a bunch of stuff. I'll need to look at my bill carefully when it comes through, and in fact, I think I'll need to call them about that when I get service back again. *sigh*

I can't believe I left it somewhere. Good grief. What was I thinking? It had been in my pocket or in my hand all day long.

After we got the phone taken care of at the mall, I headed across the way to Radio Shack and picked up an Ipod docking alarm clock. I've got it set now, and I really hope it goes off in the morning. If it doesn't...not good.

I also took my sweet doggie to Feeder's Supply and did a doggie wash. She did not like getting washed there, but it was easy. For $9 and half an hour of our time, she left clean, smelling like banana bread (the soothing shampoo because she's been gnawing on her hind legs...we're going to have to go to the vet), and completely dry. All of her gross hair went down their drain. For that price, I can handle it.

Then it was home to I can't remember what. I think I did some reading of the paper. Watched a little football. Had left-over Thai. Took a nap. And now...eh.

Someone mentioned goulash today, and now I'm thinking about perhaps making some. No offense to my Sner, but I don't remember being terribly fond of her version of it. I googled for some "authentic" recipes, and I found one that I think I could really like. Basically looks like stew meat browned and simmered in a whole bunch of onions, some good paprika (gotta get some of that), and some green pepper (not bell). Served with dumplings or noodles or potatoes. So maybe that will be after I come back from camping. I think I'm going to make chili to take camping with me. it's going to be cold up there the mountains. Will need to make sure I take plenty of booze to keep me warm. And remember the doggie's sweaters and coat. Trying to figure out now how to do corn bread over an open fire. I also need to figure out how to bank a fire so it's not so difficult to get warm in the mornings.

It's late. I need to get to bed. More tomorrow. Maybe.

October 15, 2009

Evening Update

Extraordinarily unhappy right now. Extraordinarily. The number one thing I'm thinking right now is that if I wanted to be ignored and feeling like I don't matter while being told that I was cared for and important, I'd still be talking to Brad.

I know that I've asked this question before, but I don't know what it is about me that allows men to walk away from me. What is wrong with me?

I tripped coming up the stairs at the apartment tonight. I didn't fall and hit my knee again or my shoulder. But I did hit my toe. And it hurts like a motherfucker. I was thinking about getting a pedicure this weekend, but I'm afraid of what they would say when they see that toenail because this isn't the first time I've banged it. (it's still covered in a dark polish, although not the I'm With Brad Polish)

Tomorrow night I have to do Showcase of Schools and then I think I'm going to Pinktober. Or Zombieland. Saturday is shopping and Where the Wild Things Are. Considering purchasing a flask.

I promise to be witty and insightful some time this weekend.

October 14, 2009

Evening Update

It appears that I cannot win for losing. This morning on my way upstairs to start EPD presentations--hand-outs, coffee mug, thermos, laptop, notebook in my arms--I somehow managed to miss a step and fell UP the stairs. I honestly don't know how it happened. All I know is that suddenly I was pitching forward, and my coffee mug, the one I picked up in GSMNP, was smashing into the steps. It shattered into several large pieces that I picked up before ducking into a classroom and asking someone to call for a clean-up. *sigh*

I had to go to the worker's comp doctor, and that was a bit of an eye-opening experience for me. He ordered xrays, even though just by touch we knew it was just that I banged my knee on the step. Then when it was conclusively proven that it was just a bruised knee (and to be sure, it's a bruised knee...it's already bruised and there's a goose egg popping out from my knee), he asked me if I wanted him to write me out of work for the rest of the week. When I said no, he offered me percocet for the pain. My response was to ask if he really thought I needed a narcotic for a bruised knee, wouldn't Advil or Tylenol (and liberal amounts of bourbon?) take care of that problem? He asked if I needed a prescription for those. Ummmmm...no, no, that's alright. In retrospect, I probably should have taken the prescription, filled it, and had it available for my painful shoulder. I was just so floored that I wasn't thinking.

Anyway. My right shoulder is killing me and my left knee hurts. Ouch.

I've done a ton of work in the last couple of days. *sigh* Killing me. There's going to be a ton of work in the next day as well. I've got to get the lesson plans for the next week done. Ugh. Not looking forward to that, although one day is kinda already written, which is a good thing. I suppose. Also have curriculum for our reading intervention course to write. And PD for my teachers. I was up until 2 last night putting together a presentation. I would have been done around midnight, but the program shut down and apparently I hadn't saved things. *sigh*

I've updated my Christmas list. Feel free to select a pressie from the list.

Tomorrow night I'm going to a live taping of the Bob Edwards show. This I Believe. I'd almost forgotten about it because my ticket is at Will Call.

Friday night I have to work downtown for Showcase of Schools, and I think I might stay for Pinktober at the Hard Rock. Better Than Ezra and Michelle Branch will be playing. I don't really care about Michelle Branch, but I do love me some Better Than Ezra.

Because my Charge is coming to visit for Halloween, this weekend I must find the final touches on the guest "suite" (a bed frame and a night stand) as well as a Halloween costume. I think we're going to go as Ghost Busters. I also want to head out to Bernheim. The fall color festival is kicking off on Saturday.

I have a new neighbor. Have I mentioned her? I can't remember her name, although I want to say to say that it starts with an "M"? A Melanie? Melissa? She's from Oklahoma. Sweet, I think. She has rats. She came over tonight to borrow salt. Said that her mom and sister were here cooking and they couldn't find hers. When she brought it back, she, of course, noticed the stack of reading books on my table. Then she asked me if I was a teacher. When I responded affirmatively, she said that she was too...or that she wanted to be. She's secondary social studies and hasn't been able to find a job. I get the feeling that could turn into a sticky situation. I hope not...but I'm already wary.

Feeling a little bit of abandonment issues right now. It's like I'm playing the same games...only with different names. That does not make me happy. Pisses me off, really.

October 12, 2009

Evening Update

Had my MRI tonight, and I don't feel good now. I apparently had a strange reaction. I feel like I've been put through a blender. Chewed up and spit out. It was like the magnet was trying to pull my insides out of me. Seriously. Being in the tube didn't bother me. Listening to the thing whir and make all that gawd awful racket wasn't a problem. I'm wiped out. Seriously wiped out. Sick. Absolutely sick.

I've had dinner, but it's not helping. I think I just need to go to bed.

I handled my little facebook problem this evening. I feel really bad about it, but I had to do something. I sent him a message on facebook, and he's not responded, even though he's online. That's probably for the better

October 11, 2009

Evening Update

So the weekend didn't go the way that it was planned, and that really, really bums me out. I was really looking forward to it. I don't do real well with changes in plans to begin with, but when I'm really looking forward to it, it's worse. I'm actually still kinda pissed about it. I'm trying not to be because it makes me a bitch, but dammit...there's a hole that needs to be dug out of. It reminds me of the last night I was home, and I sat waiting for him for nothing. That kinda pissed/hurt feeling.

And it's an odd feeling of deja vu. Like while the names change, the situation is the same. Not digging that at all.

I did the Race for the Cure on Saturday It was a much better course than last year, and there were a whole lot more people there. I took my doggie with me, which may have been a mistake. There were 10,000 people there, and while she's a GREAT doggie, that's a lot for her to take in. When you combine that with ignorant parents who let their children just run up and beat on a doggie, it's rough on a girlie. She did well, though, as she always does. There were a ton of other doggies out there, and she wanted to socialize. The only really bad moment was when we went by the drumline the second time with the cymbals crashing. That about did her in. Good thing it was towards the end.

We wandered around town and picked up a sandwich for lunch. Then came home, took some pain medication for my shoulder, and went to sleep. We slept until almost 1:30 in the morning. Good stuff.

Speaking of the shoulder, I have an MRI tomorrow night at 6:10. It's over by work, but I'm going to have to leave work, come home, let the doggie out, and then go back.

I'm having an issue with a boy who likes me, whom I am not interested in that way. I spend my days at work finding ways to avoid him. Online at night, I ignore him. But according to him, I'm one of his best friends. My colleagues have told him that I have a boyfriend, but today, when I posted on facebook that I needed address updates, that he wanted a Halloween seduction from an awesome friend. WTF? Are you serious? I guess since he doesn't get subtle, I'm going to have to be blunt. I don't want to hurt him because I'm pretty sure that he hasn't had a lot of experience with such, but at the same time...good lord. It's cruel to let him go on making a fool of himself.

I bought flowers Friday night. Some sunflowers and some red mums. I need another something to put in with them to fill it out. I was going to buy another bunch of flowers (they were all $5 at Wally World), but I bought bourbon and thought that maybe I'd spent enough money.

The trees are starting to turn here. Some of them are turning some lovely colors. I'm camping again the weekend of the 24th, and I'm worried that the color will be past when I'm back there. I'm also worried about snow. The 15 day forecast (ha) says that the 23rd, there's going to be snow flurries here in Louisville. I have a three season tent. I guess that means I need to pack both my down comforter and the other down comforter...it will go on top of the air mattress, which will be filled with air that will get freezing cold and seep through to my body. I'm thinking about making chili the next time I go camping. Going to need to figure out how to make cornbread in my cast iron skillet.

I know I've already given you a couple of Christmas pressie ideas, but I think I'm going to dedicate a page to it because I've thought of a few others. So. Click here and get some ideas.

The GrandSner isn't doing well. She's in a nursing home right now. Sner is in the air, on her way home to get some things taken care of at the house while GrandSner isn't home. It makes me wonder what I've spent this life of mine building. When she dies it will be me, the Sner, my uncle (and his family) and my worthless brother. And what does that equal? When they are gone, who will claim me? What legacy am I leaving behind? I don't know so much that I'm talking about children, but I'm feeling the need for some sort of permanence in my life. Some roots. Some sense of belonging. I'm not getting any older...and it's time. I'm ready for commitment in my life and someone who is ready to commit to me. I ready to start building *that*. I just gotta find someone who is on the same path I am.

I suppose I should say something about President obama winning the Nobel prize. I really am not sure what that's about. Can there have been absolutely no one else who was qualified to be the winner? I was never an Obama acolyte. I voted for him because I couldn't vote for Sarah Palin. I think there's some really good things about Obama, but he's not the second coming. He is another politician, and I'm pretty sure he's not deserving of this award. Not that the Nobel means anything these days anyway. If they're willing to give it to Yassar Arafat, then how can it mean anything?

Have watched the last football game; need to go to bed. Have to be at work early tomorrow. Ugh.

October 9, 2009

Evening Update

I was stupidly happy today. So incredibly, stupidly happy. Through all of the shit today, stupidly happy.

One of these days I will learn. One of these days I'll figure out that there is nothing to be hopeful about and to not expect anything until it actually presents itself.

My house is mostly clean. I need to get in the shower, have some dinner, and go to bed. The Race for the Cure is in the morning. I have to get up and go to it.

I have an MRI scheduled for Monday night at 6:10. Finally. About fucking time.

October 4, 2009

Evening Update

I am home from camping, and I think that in a couple of weeks, I'm going to head back that direction. I know it's a bit of sacrilege to say, but I'm seriously considering making my annual western Kentucky trip a Great Smoky Mountains trip. That's a pretty big thing for me. I've been going to Land Between the Lakes for five years now. It's my tradition. One of the more stable things in my life. But I'm thinking about changing it. I've got to make the decision in a couple of days in order to ensure a camp site. Things are booking up because fall is, understandably a busy season in those parts.

There was something out there with Cob and I in the woods. Something other than fellow campers. The first night, on the way to the campsite, I saw a coyote. There were bear warnings everywhere, but I didn't see one of those. I heard owls hoot and elk bugle. The first night I kept hearing something off in the woods, coming from the river (my site was river-side). I'm sure it was just something like a squirrel. Those things make lots of noise, more than you'd think that they would. But last night, I'm almost positive that I saw a coyote up close to the camp. I was sitting near the roaring fire I'd built (bought too much wood), writing, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw something grey-ish move. Cob got up and went to the end of her lead, but whatever it was had disappeared. She kept getting up and moving around. Very restless little dog. Then this morning when I got up and was going to start the fire for breakfast, the bag holding the firestarter log was covered (and I do mean covered) in piss. So. Yeah. There was something out there.

I've decided that my goal is to visit all the national parks. I love them. I don't know what it is, and I feel a bit like a dork for loving them, but I do. So. There are 58 National Parks. I was gonna list out the ones I've been too, but it's hard to find a list that includes just the national parks and not the national recreations areas or monuments. When I start including all of those, then it gets to be a huge list. But I want just the parks. I found a list of 57 and of those, I've been to: Great Smoky Mountains, Grand Canyon, Death Valley, Lassen Volcanic, Redwoods, Zion, Rocky Mountain, Grand Teton, Congaree and Yellowstone. I forgot about Congaree (which is in South Carolina). Next weekend, I think I'm going to head down to Mammoth and that will make 11 on the list. The next time I drive home to NV, I'm going to have to hit Great Basin and Yosemite. Maybe a couple of places in Colorado if I'm going to see Shannon. There are a whole bunch of them in Alaska, and I'm not sure how I'm going to arrange that trip, but rest assured...I will.

If someone were thinking about a Christmas pressie, you could get me a National Parks Passport. (They're $7.95 and can be ordered online) In addition to that as a Christmas pressie, you might consider a new cooler, a subscription to Real Simple magazine, a new sleeping bag. I'm pretty sure there was something else, but I can't remember it right this minute.

I need to go to bed. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. I should have done a bunch of it this weekend, but I didn't even get a book read this weekend. I was too busy going and looking. I read a magazine, and I wrote (which reminds me, I need a new journal...that's another thing to add to the Christmas list. You can always get me moleskine, pocket-sized, plain journal. It has the lime green sleeve on it if you're in the bookstore faced with a display of moleskines...pens too. Pilot G-2 O7. Blue)

My doggie is passed out at my feet. I might have forgotten to take her coat or her sweaters with us, and she was a shivering doggie last night. Somehow she wound up with my flannel quilt all wrapped around her. I had covered her up with it before we went to bed, but it was covering me too. When I woke up this morning, it was not covering me at all. Good thing that the down comforter works well for me. It was cold out there, make no mistake (I could see my breath most of the time...daytime highs in the low 60s, nighttime lows in the lower 40s), but I was comfortable under just the down comforter. (my sleeping bag is used to insulate me from the freezing air in the air mattress...it can be pulled over me if need be, but mostly I lay on it. I don't like feeling confined by it) She really wanted to go swimming in the river that was just steps away from us, but if she'd managed that feat, she'd have been sleeping out with the coyotes and bears. No way a wet doggie would be in the tent with me at night. I'm a mean, mean mommy. Sorry kid.

My shoulder hurts, but it's not any worse than it has been. I've noticed what feels like a lot of muscle fatigue. Like I've been doing a bunch of reps with some heavy weights? Even a little shaking after I got the car loaded up this morning. Then the last two nights I've woken up with a completely numb hand. Trying to turn off the alarm was extremely difficult. I'm calling the chiropractor tomorrow morning to see what the update on the MRI is. I'm sort of thinking that the office manager may have forgotten that she was supposed to do it. If that's the case, then I'll tell them to forget it and go to my regular doctor. That kind of stuff makes me cranky. I know they have a lot of patients, but this is painful for me. All weekend, I was trying to be extremely careful about my arm...moving in ways that are not natural for me, being careful. But I couldn't manage it all the time. It really is an impairment to my life. You know?

I had lots of thoughts this weekend as I was out there with just myself and the dog. Some things I probably shouldn't be pondering because then I get into trouble, and those things will stay within the pages of those little black books.

Going to bed. Tired. Gotta get up early. Ugh.