Daily Wonderings

October 2008

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October 31, 2008

Morning Update

Still feeling panicky. Chest still hurts. Still nauseous. Still hard to breathe. Have added itchy to the list of symptoms. Didn't sleep well. Kept getting text messages so as I would drop off, I'd wake back up.

*sigh*

October 30, 2008

Evening Update

I don't know what to do.

I'm pretty sure I continue to have a panic attack, although I've stopped crying. My chest is killing me, though. I feel like I'm going to throw up, and it's hard to breathe. I should have gone and gotten some anti-anxiety medication from the doctor. I made a drink, but I can't make myself actually drink it. I may get trashed when I'm disquieted, but when I am truly upset, I can't do it. That whole alcoholism thing. I can't drink when I'm like this.

I'm going to go to bed and get up early to get some of the things done that I need to have done tomorrow. So very much to get done. God almighty..

Morning Update

Last night's work, which doesn't amount to much.

Made my run to work to pick up my laptop and that piece of paper that I needed. Whew. What a comedy of errors. As I walking out the door, apparently I hit the panic button on the car. It was only blaring for a couple of seconds, but it seemed like forever at 6:00 in the morning when the whole neighborhood was sleeping and dark. Then when I got to work, I ran into one of our math teachers. I can't understand half of what she says, but she looked at me in my yoga pants, my long-sleeved shirt, my jacket, and flipflops and said, "Do you really think that's appropriate?" To which I responded, no, of course not, but I'm not "here" today; I'm just here to pick up something I forgot. When I said that, you could literally see the light bulb go on over her head, and she said, "Oh! Now I see that!"

Things were frosted over on that end of town. Not so much here.

Stopped and bought gas before I came back. Granted I had a quarter of a tank left, but I was able to fill up for $30. That makes me happy. In places, we're down to $2.27. In Indiana there are places at $1.95. I really hope that it continues to stay down, but I'm thinking that after the election, things might go back up. Just because.

OK. I gotta get in the shower. Things to do and places to go.

October 29, 2008

Late Evening Update

So, it just struck me that I need my school laptop to do some work that's going to be due on Friday. I forgot to bring it to the house with me. I was looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow, but it appears that's not going to happen. I'm going to take my happy ass to school before the rest of the folks get there (since I'm supposed to be off tomorrow), pick up my laptop, and hopefully find a piece of paper that I need. Dammit. I didn't have to be at the apartment to sign the lease until 9:00, which means I could have stayed in the bed until 7...I'm normally up around 5:30. Dammit.

Talked to Eric for a long time about what might be wrong with my car. *sigh* I'm not optimistic, although I did figure out that while the turn signals don't work while the headlights are on, the brake lights do work while the headlights are on. So in the grand scheme of things, it looks like I'm going to be driving with my headlights on at all times. Brake lights mean more than turn signals. And I need to figure out where to take it on Monday. (think I may have found a place...through AAA. Which could help. My AAA card gets me 5% off) Eric's pretty sure it's going to be expensive to fix. *sigh*

I've enjoyed a bottle of Chateau St. Michelle with my green salad for dinner. I had bbq chicken, feta cheese, and pecans on it. I forgot to slice up some pears to put on it. Dammit.

Anyone watch Obama's campaign ad this evening? I watched the last half off it. Thought it was nicely done, and I appreciated that it talked about what Obama was going to do and focus on rather than being a negative piece of ickiness.

I've decided that I'm going to send that care package off to my friend. I don't know whether I should or not. I don't know how it will be received, but I picked up the box to ship it in when I was at the post office today. I think I'll probably get all the stuff to put in it on Sunday. Ship it out on Monday.

Anyone out there have big Halloween plans? I'm going to moving boxes, I think. How pathetic is that? I live in this vibrant, alive city, with all sorts of things going on, and I'm going to be dragging boxes from one place to another. *sigh* I'm a loser, and I suppose that's OK. I'll make up for it next weekend when Matt is here.

Speaking of that, he said today that he might be bringing one of my friends with him, which makes me happy. For a lot of reasons. Not that I don't want to see her. But having another person here makes for a bit of a buffer. Not that I probably even need one because, well. I am what I am, and the things that I think are true, often aren't. Regardless, though, it will be good to see my friends.

Getting my new driver's license tomorrow. Hopefully it will be another good picture. My last three driver's license pictures have been good; I think it might be tempting fate to expect another one to be decent. I'm planning to go to work and grab the things I need, come back and get in the shower. Straight hair I think.

It's 1:00 in the morning. I'm going to have to get up here pretty soon and get this day started. Good grief. This isn't exactly what I imagined this night was going to go like.

Evening Update

I had a good day today. I'm reminding of Paul Thorn's lyrics..."I have a good day every now and then, I count my blessings on one hand. I start believing the sun will shine again. I have a good day every now and then."

I'm not working tomorrow because there are important things to get taken care of. Right now, though, I'm going to have a cocktail, and then I'm going to continue to get myself organized for the big move. Even though there's not a lot to be done, it's still a bit overwhelming. I guess tomorrow night, I'm going to need to take the bed apart. I'm saying tomorrow night because it's possible that it might be harder to do that it looks since I did such a good job of putting the thing together. I also need to get the car cleaned out a little so I can move stuff tomorrow.

I'm starting to get excited about this whole thing.

My friend Tina and her husband closed on their house today. They built a new place. I'm excited for them, even though I don't know if I ever want to own a house again in my lifetime. I'm sure that at some point in time, I'll change my mind because who wants to be at someone else's mercy forever, but really...owning a house by myself was stressful to me. Too stressful. Now if I had a boy to help me and support me, that would be a different story. Maybe.

Morning Update

Yesterday's mishmash.

I'm not nervous about this morning's presentation. Well, maybe a little nervous. Because of the administration. I know that the teachers are going to be fine with it, but I don't know how the admin is going to be. a part of me really doesn't care, though. Part of the reason why they hired me is because I'm supposed to be a professional with the judgment to decide what's best for the staff. They haven't really allowed me to use that judgment yet, but I guess that's OK. Perhaps they're going to get what they paid for this time around.

*sigh*

I forgot to make coffee last night. Need to do that. Right now.

It's cold outside. Like 32 degrees cold outside. What am I gonna wear to stay warm today?

October 28, 2008

Late Evening Update

All of the paper is done.

There's so much for me to get done by the time Everett and his nephew arrive on Saturday morning. Did I mention that he's going to do the thermostat for me as well. That night, Christal is going to come over that night and help me get things unpacked. She's been so kind to me the entire time, and I'm glad to have made that kind of friend.

Did I mention that I ordered a slip cover for my chair? And that it should be here tomorrow? I hope it's decent. I started looking online, and I found this thing at Overstock.com. For the price, I'm not sure that I could have bought fabric as inexpensively. I need to keep my eye out for some drapes. For some reason, I'm enamored with the idea of velvet drapes. I think that would be nice to go across that alcove to cover my storage area. Saw some at Overstock.com, but I'm going to continue to look because it's not something I have to do right now.

Once again, I am feeling like I need to be writing about something, but I don't really know what it is. I have a book in the car that might help with that, but I don't want to go outside to get it. It's 37 degrees outside, according to my forecastfox.

I called the circuit clerk because I was confused about the post card the sent me. I'm good to go on Tuesday. Have to have a form of ID with me, but it doesn't have to be my driver's license. It could be my social security card. I need to figure out how to change my address with them. Which reminds me as well that I need to change my address with the school district.

Interesting piece about biker poets. The article talks about the incongruous image of the poet contrasted with the biker, and I suppose that works. Having known a few guys who ride motorcycles, though, and known them to be more sensitive than tough (some of you will remember that X was a painter), which is not to say that I would put their toughness to a test because I wouldn't. I wish I could write poetry. Or that I enjoyed writing poetry. Or that I was more confident in my ability to write poetry. Or that I was even willing to attempt to write poetry. I'm not.

It's after midnight (cue Clapton, please), and I need to hie myself off to the bed. Wish me luck tomorrow. *sigh*

Later Evening Update

Went to the Party Store and got 20 clear balloons, which is not going to be nearly enough. But maybe I can save that for later presentations since I'm going to be doing the thing four times. *sigh* Which reminds me...here in a minute I've got to get myself spread out on the floor and start collating and stapling papers. *sigh* Because I had to make so many copies, I couldn't use the copy machine that collates. So. 100 copies. Five sheets (front and back) that have to go together. Ughhh. Torture.

See...why can't we have an industrial, heavy duty copier at the school that would do all of that? Why is it that as a professional, I've got to waste my time to do something a machine could have done in 20 minutes? I mean, seriously? Seriously?

I'm watching the Charlie Brown Halloween Special. It just ended. Halloween and Thanksgiving aren't as special as Christmas. I love watching the Christmas specials. Charlie Brown, Frosty, Rudolph. Those are my favorites.

I'm tired. I seem to say that a lot lately. But it's true. With the temperatures dropping, now is one of those evenings when what you want is to be curled up with someone. Head tucked on their chest. I had a vision of that when I was driving back to the house this afternoon. It was really strong. I could feel the solidness of it. There wasn't anything sexual about it. Just a comfort thing.

That's what I miss most about being in a relationship. I mean, sex, yeah, I miss that. But I miss those moments of care more.

It's black grape season. God I love them. I wait for them all year long. They're so incredibly sweet and luscious. I bought some for $1.69/pound this past weekend and am just now getting around to eating them. Good lord. Yummy.

I called and set up the appointment to install my cable and internet. I have to have the television there with me. I suppose that's OK because it needed to be moved anyway. I have to dig out the wireless router so a secure network can be set up from the beginning.

Going to collate paper now. *sigh*

Early Evening Update

I need to go to the party store and get some clear balloons. And some small sheets of paper. So I can do a thing tomorrow with my staff. Thanks to Desiree for her help. I'm deeply indebted.

Today was an odd day. It's been a bad couple of days at work, and I'm reminded...again...that much like you never know someone until you live with them, you don't really know what a place is all about until you work there. Visiting doesn't mean that you understand a culture of a place, and it doesn't mean that you have any real clue about what's going on. I've worked some difficult places, and while this place isn't the worst, it's approaching that. I was told today that a teacher (and by extension, me) was on their own. Yeah, that's good. Way to build a supportive, professional community.

Early Morning Update

Yesterday's traumatic incident can be found here.

I did not sleep well last night. I was hotter than hell when I laid down to go to sleep, and there was much tossing and turning, along with a whole bunch of trying to decide if I wanted the blanket or not. I think it was probably two before I actually was truly asleep. Ugh. That makes for a really long day today.

The doggie didn't stay outside very long today. She was waiting for me after I went to the bathroom, looking like, "Hey!!! Let me in!"

Only a couple of more days here and then I'm on my own again. I'm starting to be excited about that. There's a bunch of stuff to get done, and I'm really glad that I've taken the day off on Thursday. I need to call the guy about the internet today so he can be there on Thursday to set that up for me. Gotta find his number. Once I get all of my errands done, I'm going to start moving the little stuff like most of my clothes and the smaller boxes that I can handle and fit in the car. I really want to have it kinda set up so that my friend's nephews really only have to do the big stuff and the heavier boxes. I want them to be able to get in and get out. If that makes sense.

Need to go to Lowes and look at a programmable thermostat for the furnace. I'm a little worried about trying to install that. I'm not all that talented when it comes to such things. *sigh*

What to wear today? It's cold outside. I guess that means boots. Black pants. But what kind of blouse? I don't have a lot of darker sweaters. Hmmmm...

I also need to call the voter place to make sure I have everything I need in order to be able to vote on Tuesday.

OK. Have to go. Hair, make-up, clothing, coffee, out the door.

October 27, 2008

Later Evening Update

Checked the email. While there was a lot of it, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. *sigh* That's OK.

My thumb hurts. Think I'm going to have a cocktail and see if that helps it any. Maybe it will help my head too.

Talked to Nate for a little while this evening. I, of course, had an ulterior motive, but it was good to talk to him. I should call those folks that love me out West more often. Nate seems to think that the problem with the car is a bad ground. Possibly the harness in the trunk, which is what another friend said. I checked the fuse this afternoon, and it looked to me like it was fine. So. I guess on Sunday or Monday, I'm going to take the car Firestone and see about getting that little problem fixed. I can't afford to let it be a problem much longer. I suppose then I can also ask them about brakes. Dammit.

Yeah, let me go pour up that drink.

I'm a sweet girl. To help that slacker weasel teacher, I bought $30 worth of treats for his students. (I'm completely against a token economy system in the classroom, but the school is set up on a system that offers incentives that students can work for. To help get this students under control, we were giving out the bucks like there was no tomorrow. And kids were working for them. My hope is that we can taper that off and students can begin to realize that they're doing the work because they want...and need...to learn because it's what's best for them. That could be naive, but we'll see) I also bought myself pumpkin cheesecake ice cream (I've yet to eat today).

I've started my homeopathic treatment regime today. I'm hoping that it works. I really don't want to spend the next year treating this little problem. So. I paid $17 for some vitamins yesterday. Hopefully here within two weeks, all will be well. If not, there are a couple of other options to consider.

The dog has gas. Awful gas. I put her out earlier because it was so awful. She just farted and then looked at her butt, like she was wondering what that noise was. She's gonna have to go out again. That is nasty stuff. Wonder what she got into to give her that awfulness.

I'm thinking about putting together a little care package for a friend. I don't know, though. There was a time when I wouldn't have hesitated, but I don't know now if it would be welcomed or not. I'll have to think about it some more. It's not that it would be expensive for me. Maybe $10 to assemble the whole thing, and another $5-8 to ship it. Perhaps I'll do it next weekend.

I heard there was a possibility of snow flurries tonight. The sky sure had that laden look to it this evening as I was driving back to the house. And it's cold. I don't know if it's going to get down to freezing tonight, but that was the original forecast. I got to watching the World Series, and before I knew it, I'd missed the news. Dangit.

I just danced around the room again. Have I mentioned that I can't wait to get the stereo hooked up and ready to go?

I keep thinking that there's something I really want to write about, but the words aren't coming to me. I have an idea of what that thing is, but I'm not entirely sure what the point in writing about it *now* would serve. It's kinda like, when I was with X...we never really had an argument or disagreement. I was upset a lot of the time, but it took me so long to decide that I was really rightfully upset or hurt, that by the time I'd come to that conclusion, it was somewhat unfair to bring it up because so much time had passed. And that's where I am. I think I need to write about it for me, but putting it out there for the rest of the world is probably not right now given the amount of time that has passed. *sigh*

I'm sweating. Should probably strip down and go to bed.

Early Evening Update

It was an OK day. Started awfully, but I suppose that it wound up OK. I haven't checked my work email yet, so that might change things dramatically. I've got some work to do yet tonight, and I suppose I'll look at it before I go to bed.

I almost lost my left thumb this morning. *sigh* I was doing something a teacher should have already done but since that particular teacher is apparently a slacker weasel, it wasn't done. So. I was using the paper cutter. Got my thumb good. When I did it, and realized what I'd done, I was afraid to look down, worried the thumb might be laying on the counter instead of still attached to my hand. As it was, it bled for quite a while due to the nasty cut. It's now swollen and bruised. Hurts like hell, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose the nail.

Morning Update

It's too early for me to remember what I wrote about last night, but I didn't finish up until almost one in the morning my time. I don't have time to go back and take a look at it either in order to synthesize it. Sorry.

The dog wouldn't come in when I called her the first time this morning, so I just left her out there while I took my shower. She was waiting for me when I was done. It's pretty chilly out there, and her fur is pretty thin because she's an indoor doggie.

Have the coffee made because I have a new coffee mug. So much to get done today and tonight. Don't let me be a slacker today. *sigh* It's hard to fight against that natural inclination, but there's too much to get done.

Speaking of which, I said I was going to get off this computer at 6:15. That's the time. Talk to you this afternoon.

October 26, 2008

Latest Evening Update

Second narrative feature article done. Neither one of them are very good, but I think maybe later in the week, I'll put together the first part of the camping one and post it here. Good memories there.

I'm sweating like a stuck pig. Had to take my pants off, I was sweating so much. *I realize there's a joke in there. I'm going to leave it to your dirty minds.

I've packed up a couple of the happiest that I need to send out to friends tomorrow. There are still a couple of lumpy mails that will go out later in the week. Shannon's and Amber's among them.

I should go to bed, but I'm not at all ready to do that just this minute.

Heard from an old friend today. We reconnected a couple of years ago, and it's been sorta spotty communication ever since. That's always made me a little sad. We were so close at one point in our lives and then for the longest time, there was nothing.

I watched the World Series tonight. I'm sad that baseball is almost over. I need to take a look at the district calendar and figure out when spring break is. It's possible I could do a baseball spring break...head to KC for a game. St. Louis? Chicago? Doesn't that sound like some kinda fun? I think it sounds like fun.

I'm not all that sure what Matt and I are going to do when he's here. He asked me about bars, and I said I'd have something figured out for him. But we can't just spend the entire weekend drinking. Can we? That is, of course, a stupid question. We're talking about Matt, famous for the Son of Abraham incident. We could certainly spend the entire weekend drunk. That means my kidneys and I are going to have to get ready for it. Oh lordy. *sigh*

The boy very sweetly told me how to check the fuse on my car, as a possible solution to my brakelight problem. I'll check on it tomorrow afternoon, but I've been reading a little online, and it appears that perhaps it's the brake switch. There has apparently been some problem with that on the 2001 models. So. Yeah. I guess maybe if the fuse doesn't fix that, and I can't get to it on Thursday, I know what I'll be doing on Sunday. It's got to get fixed. *sigh*

Going to bed now. It's way past time.

Later Evening Update

I've created a whole bunch of Y-charts for a teacher, written a piece, and entered my walk-throughs. Now I just have to write one more piece, enter some other data, and work on my presentation for Wednesday. Somehow I'm think that it's not going to get done tonight. *sigh* Slacker weasel that I am.

Heard this song coming back to the house yesterday, and I dig it. A lot.

I think my favorite line is "The only one reason that she don't stay is I'm such a dipshit I push her away."(in the recorded version...from 2001...the line is "I work so damn hard to push her away". I like "dipshit" better)  I find out about so many interesting bands when I listen to WFPK. (They were playing the recap of Paul Thorn's appearance at Waterfront Wednesday. Need to send that link on to Beth and those folks) Just did a little dance around the room down here to it. I can't dance, but no one else needs to know.

Still need to write that other piece. Dangit. I don't want to. I don't think I did a really nice job of putting together the one I've already done. Probably because it needs to be longer than it is. It's going to be used as a model for kids, though, and with that, it needs to be abbreviated. That brevity, though, doesn't leave me a lot of room to talk about the things I wanted to. Combine that with the fact that I can't really figure out how it is that I want to start the thing, it's no real wonder that I don't want to get busy on it. *sigh* It's either that or I go to putting together the presentation I have to give four times on Wednesday...hmmmmmmm....

I think maybe the girlie got a little carried away with the corn & callous remover. It feels like there are cuts on the bottoms of my feet. Particularly on my big toes (both of them), in that second bend. I haven't contorted myself enough to get them eye level to investigate properly.

So, I'm ready for this election business to be over with, but honestly, I don't know that it's going to much change the conversation in this country. I think there's enough anger and frustration out there that we're going to be having these kinds of discussions for a long time. Lots of recriminations and finger-pointing and more. I was reading a post by a woman last night that said she was looking for reasons to avoid her mother because she was voting for McCain and the daughter just couldn't stand that. What happened to being able to disagree with a person? Why and when did we lose that ability?

Brought my lime tree and my little tropical plant in from outside. It's supposed to get cool. Not freezing tonight, but definitely tomorrow. Not looking forward to the really cold temps getting here. You know I've been away from such for a while. It's not going to be pleasant readjusting.

Back to the salt mines for a bit. *sigh*

Early Evening Update

Musings about societal oppression of women and sex were on tap yesterday.

Drug out of bed early enough to get to where I needed to be on time. We wound up having to go to a different location, though, because the Starbucks we chose was apparently a victim of Starbuck's too rapid expansion and was one of the stores slated for closure. It was on the way to another Starbucks, that Duffy informed me that I don't have any brake lights. *sigh* I've really, really got to get that fixed. I didn't know that there weren't any brake lights. I could see the light in the rear window, so I figured that the other lights were working as well. I suppose I'm going to try to arrange my day on Thursday in such a way that I get the lease signed, the cable hooked up, and the car registration/driver's license done in the early morning so I can take the car somewhere in the afternoon and get that problem taken care of. Need to call Nate or Eric and see what they think might be going on so as I am not blindsided when I get to a repair shop.

Got my grocery shopping done. It's going to be a salad week. Although tonight I will be finishing the pizza. I remembered to take my little baggie in with me. I can only use so many plastic bags, so I have my big orange bag, and I bought a pink one for a dollar that helps support breast cancer research.

Which reminds me, I have a piece of writing that I need to get done so Duffy has it in the morning. Thank goodness I remembered that. I would hate to leave her hanging. *sigh*

My kitten puked on the chair cushion. I'm waiting for Toni to finish her laundry so I can wash that thing along with my sheets. I don't think it's going to happen tonight, though. (I know I said my laundry was done yesterday, and it is...all of my clothes and the towels)

OK...gonna do some work now.

October 25, 2008

Evening Update

I was tired yesterday, so there wasn't much of interest written. When you've been very stressed, you're exhausted, and you haven't eaten a whole lot in a week, apparently it doesn't take much to put you down and out for the count. I think I was asleep last night by 11. And when I say asleep, I mean, dead to the world asleep. It was good.

Today has been pretty low-key, which is just fine with me. The doggie let me sleep until about 9, which was nice. As I was getting myself ready to go to work for a couple of hours, I got a bunch of emails from a good friend. She introduced me to a fabulous e-card site! I will most definitely be using it frequently in the future. So very awesome!

Work wasn't bad. I wasn't happy to be there, but being there wasn't arduous. The people that I are making me unhappy weren't present, so it was all good.

After that was the mani/pedi I needed, as well as some most excellent shopping. I know I said I was being careful with my money, and I am. But when we're talking about a clearance sale on clearance items, how can you pass it up? As it was, I picked up a Polo jean jacket that was originally $120 for $22. A blouse for $7. Another blouse for $5. The jacket will allow me to stretch my short-sleeved blouses into the winter. I looked for my boots but didn't find any of interest. I'll look at the sales tomorrow.

Since getting back to the house, I've cleaned and done laundry. Packed a few things back up. Have a bunch more to get done. Not that I unpacked a lot, but you know. There's stuff to get done. I gotta get the truck reserved. Let me go do that right this minute.

(an hour later because I couldn't find my wallet with the Sner's credit card in it...)

Truck reserved. That could cost me as little as $50. Depending on whether we do one or two trips. $100 to my friend's nephews, and this move costs me $150. Not bad.

My kidneys are killing me. This afternoon I realized that besides a few beers and last night's cocktails and a couple of cups of coffee, I haven't really had anything to drink in this past week. No wonder my kidneys hurt. I've had two things of gatorade this evening. Have started on a third. They were 10 for $10 at Kroger, so I bought four. Should probably buy more tomorrow. No alcohol for me tonight. Dammit.

I shaved my legs this morning. For the first time since I went home to Mississippi. Those of you who know me know that I've never been really big on that whole shaving deal. I'll shave my arm pits on a regular basis because that's just kinda icky, but as for the shaving of the legs, I've never really understood the point. I mean, I get that we do it because that's what society expects of us, but why do we bow down to it? If it's OK (although less so now) for men to be hairy beasts, why is leg hair such a horrible thing? If we didn't start shaving it at such a god forsaken early age, it wouldn't be rough and gross. It would stay that downy stuff that's on the back of my thighs that is so incredibly difficult to get rid of. *sigh*

Have I mentioned I hate shaving?

So...am I competent enough to install a programmable thermostat? The Sner's boy and Nate aren't here to do it, and the last guy who helped me with electrical work isn't here either and doesn't respond anyway, which means if it's going to get done, I'm going to need to do it myself. Unless I could have it ready to go and somehow con my friend's husband into it. Just in case that's not an option, it's all electric. I should be able to do that, shouldn't I? I can read. I don't really understand when I read--I need to do it--but it should be OK, right?

I have to pee. 96 ounces of Gatorade will do that to you, I suspect.

I bought my Thanksgiving cards today. They're blank inside, which means I'll be able to practice my letter writing skills.

My living area is now about as clean as it gets for me. My laundry is almost done (sometime tomorrow I'll need to do the sheets because they need to be washed every week), and I've vacuumed. The doggie's bed has been washed, as have her rope bone and lady bug. They stunk to high heaven.

I thought about making chicken cordon bleu tomorrow. Chicken was on sale this past week, and ccb seems like a comfort food to me. It's going to have to wait for a stove and an oven of my own because currently I can't do them. I'm also thinking that some homemade macaroni and cheese would be excellent right about now too. Alas, it is much like the ccb problem. Maybe that's what I'll have ready for next weekend. Some homemade macaroni and cheese. Doesn't that sound good? A roasted chicken to go with it? Yum.

I'm meeting some teachers tomorrow morning at Starbucks so we can do some lesson plans. And there's supposed to be a couple of meetings after that. Ughh.

Did I tell you that I found out that Matt is coming to visit me? That's going to be a GREAT time! Well. Maybe. I'm actually a little nervous about the whole deal. We'll go out and drink heavily. HEAVILY because Matt drinks like a damn fish. But there's another little thing that I get nervous about. You know that the MS parents are hoping that he and I will wind up together. *sigh* It's a shame I don't have a bed for the 2nd bedroom. Dammit.

I keep thinking that I'm going to go out next weekend and find a boy who will end the dry spell. I mean...it's going to be a big party night. Surely I'd have a shot. As much as I miss sex and as long as it's been, I just don't know if I can do that. I've done it once before in my life, and I don't regret that experience. As far as such things go, it was good. Fell asleep in his room, woke up, did it again, went back to my hotel room, took a shower, and slept like a baby. I didn't feel bad about it then, and I don't feel bad about it now. I don't think I'm in that same mental space, though. I'm not sure in the space I currently occupy that it would be one of those empowering positive experiences. I think I'd just feel like trash. *sigh* Too bad because it's been 6 months now.

October 24, 2008

Evening Update

It's amazing how quickly you get intoxicated when you haven't eaten much all week and you're exhausted. If anyone is concerned, I've been starving this evening and have eaten. If I weren't quite so intoxicated right this minute, I would go to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard. (this is what happens, apparently, when PMS collides with stress: eating binges)

Tonight I am drinking orange vodka, tonic, and cranberry. The orange vodka was on sale at the Liquor Barn. Not bad.

I could lay down and go to bed right now. In fact, have dozed off a couple of times.

Afternoon Update

I suppose it's been a decent day. I'm exhausted, though. Just incredibly exhausted. Got the plan for the evening. Gonna go out with some colleagues for a little while (a very little while) and then it'll be to the house. All of the sudden, my Sunday has filled up, and I've realized that I've got a ton of work to have done by Monday morning. No biggie, but it just hit me that things have kinda snowballed right this moment.

It's still raining, which I'm sure contributes to my fatigue. Not that I mind the rain. We apparently needed it. Just that when it's raining, I want to be curled up on the couch with someone, napping or watching a movie or whatever. Rain is lazy-making weather. Or something making weather. *grin* Not that I know anything about that.

All of the Halloween cards went out in the mail today. That means I need to pick up the Thanksgiving cards. Really...I don't know why I do that. Do y'all enjoy getting them, or am I just wasting my time and my money? Anyone? Anyone?

Morning Update

Yesterday's observations.

It's raining, which means I would be best served by remaining in bed. That's not an option, though. Too much to get done at work today. One foot in front of the other. That's what I keep telling myself. One foot in front of the other and eventually everything will be OK.

I didn't make coffee this morning because yesterday I couldn't get my coffee cup to work at all. It was full of coffee. But it wouldn't come out, and I couldn't get the lid off of it. So. I gave up. Threw it away. I'll have to figure something else out. Don't have time to stop somewhere for coffee this morning either. Because I'm here writing instead of getting ready and out the door.

Because it is raining, the dog is a wet mess. She's going to smell really pretty this evening. Guess that means she's going to need another bath. Maybe I'll wait to give her the bath until I'm sure it's done raining.

October 23, 2008

Evening Update

I must look like hell. I can't count the number of people who have asked me if I'm OK. Our attendance clerk, who has always been extremely kind and sweet to me, asked me today if I needed anything as I looked a little frazzled. Yeah, just a little. Maybe the Sner's suggestion of going to the doctor and getting a prescription for valium.

Went to family literacy night because I needed to. Some random observations: I get the impetus behind giving out free books. I agree that it's a wonderful aim to put books into peoples hands. I agree with it. And I understand that we're a very, very poor school with not a lot of resources. But criminy. Is there no way that we could have solicited local businesses to donate money so we could go to the half-price bookstore and get books that were published in the last decade? Books that kids might actually want to read? Hell...we could have contacted publishers for pre-publication proofs. I'm sure that the students and some of their parents won't know the difference, but I knew the difference. It bothers me. A lot. And it shouldn't. I know it shouldn't because we're doing the best we can, but. It bothers me. Occasionally my radar goes off, and this is one of those times.

Another thing I noticed...a woman very well put together. Well dressed, well accessorized. With filthy feet. And when I say filthy, I mean filthy. Disgustingly filthy. So incongruous. It made me stop and check my own feet. Not dirty (thank god), but they are dry and in need of some attention.

I know I said yesterday that I need to start being very careful about what I spend my money on, but I do intend to have a mani/pedi this weekend. $40 to hopefully alleviate a little of the stress I've been feeling lately is money decently spent I think. Then I just have to remember to keep it up.

I really wanted to buy a pair of red heels this afternoon. I have my outfit planned for tomorrow (hopefully it will be cool enough for said outfit), and a pair of red heels would really make the difference, I think. Not because of Sarah Palin and her red heels but because I like the color red. Some of you may recall my red boots with the sky high heels. Got rid of those because they got scuffed up pretty badly and because they got uncomfortable to wear as my feet got fatter. But I'm being careful about how I spend my money and since a black pair of heels or boots will work just as well, I'm good. Although I am going to have to buy a pair of brown boots. Mine were in such sad shape when I moved that I tossed them. I looked when I was out this afternoon, and there are some pretty good sales going on, but I couldn't find anything that I liked. Maybe the sales this weekend will be interesting.

While I was there I wrote out a card for a friend. Do you think you write good letters? I think that when I write letters or greeting cards, I do a nice job. I could be a little arrogant, but I think in general they're well-done. I just should probably do more of them. And send them to a wider range of folks. Maybe people who would appreciate them.

I put my doggie outside so she could play because she needed some activity. I meant to leave her out like 10 minutes. I almost forgot her. *sigh* Thirty minutes later. I'm a bad, bad, mommy. She's sacked out now, though, and not right on top of me. We've got to go for a walk tomorrow. Poor baby.

Talked to Coach tonight. *sigh* We used to email all the time. Me sharing the details of my life, him responding to me but not really revealing anything. We're in that pattern again. Him being solicitous and protective and caring...but not caring enough to really let me in. Not that I want to be in again because it was an incredibly difficult time in my life.

He sent me a picture. I'd forgotten what a good looking man he is. I mean, really good looking. I haven't seen him in four years...except for in the yearly Christmas card picture. I know what I bring to the table. I know what my attributes are. And now, as then, I have to wonder...why. Why me? Why me with any of them? The truth is, though, that with Coach, as with all of the rest of them, he eventually wakes up and realizes what he's doing. Because I'm not the kind of girl a guy like him stays with. I'm good for the dark. Where no one has to know that you're with me.

Anyone Grey's Anatomy this evening? Lots of contrived shit that makes me want to quit watching, but there was a moment of personal irony considering that Coach and I had just talked. When the other woman talks about three years and a kidney and he still hadn't made a choice. Yeah. He made a choice.

Guess that means the next time Coach calls, I shouldn't answer. (on another note, I haven't heard from the PSB since I was home in Hattiesburg. Good for me)

In addition to the shrinking feet, I have a waist reappearing. I always know that I'm really losing weight when the sides dip in. Can I say that the tattoo on the left side really brings that out? And that I can't wait to get the tattoo on the right side. I want it to go further up my side...to the arm pit. Not just stop at the braline. I'm not sure how that's going to work because I have to wear a bra when I go out in public. I suppose that it's a good thing I will be on vacation and can feel free to lounge about unsupported.

That's probably enough for tonight, eh? I'm exhausted. As usual. I have a big Friday night planned. If I don't go out for drinks with some colleagues, then I'm cruising by the liquor store on the way home, stopping for a Papa John's pizza, and then coming to the house to take a nap. After that, it'll be reading. And writing. And packing. While there wasn't a lot of stuff unpacked, there has been some, and it needs to get repacked so it's all ready to go. I kinda think I might want to go see either The Secret Life of Bees or the new Angelina Jolie movie. I'll have to think about it. That whole careful-with-my-money thing comes into play. Momma needs new brakes more than she needs to see a movie.

Afternoon Update

I suppose it wasn't that bad of a day. I still have to go back to work yet. *sigh*

I taught this afternoon, and it felt pretty good. I think it went well. There's some stuff that I'll need to go back and correct with students, but it's that typical thing that novice writers do. "My name is..." or "I'm going to tell you about...". And fixing that stuff wasn't the point of my lesson with them.

I know that I'm losing weight. I have a pair of clarks sandals that I wear. They're pretty comfortable, but by the end of the day, when my feet are swollen, they fit a little tight. I've worn them all day long, and there's no tightness. They're actually a little loose. My feet are shrinking. For some reason I doubt I'll ever be a size 8 again, but one can dream of cute shoes. *sigh*

 

Morning Update

I don't know what yesterday was about. I looked at it, but I still don't know what it was. Sorry.

Don't feel like I slept much, although once again, I managed to keep my mouth guard in all night long.

My horoscope says that I should avoid someone that I'm having conflict with because the lunar influence bodes for a very hurtful confrontation. Good thing my day is pretty much packed. *sigh*

We have literacy night tonight. I have to be back at school by 6:00. I guess basically I'm going to come to the house, let the doggie out and feed her, and then turn around and go back.

Gn'R is finally releasing their follow-up to Use Your Illusion I & II. It's only been 17 years. As big of a fan of GnR as I was back in the day (and I was...I loved them), I don't know if I want to rush out and get this. I'm pissed that it's taken so long. Seventeen years? Really? That better be some incredible music.

OK. Clothes. Make-up. Hair. Coffee. Out the door. I should wear my glasses today. My eyeballs hurt.

October 22, 2008

Evening Update

It was another crappy day. I feel a bit like a broken record, but that's the truth of it. Today I was a bit dumbfounded in two meetings. I wanted to say that the problems can 100% be traced to one source. And it's not me. But. I didn't say anything. I just nodded and smiled and went to the vault.

Then I went and had a beer with a colleague after work. *sigh* I haven't eaten today. I'm finally hungry, so I'm going to heat up the last of the bbq from the Wood Shed. Need to open a bottle of wine. I swear this job is turning me into an alcoholic. (not that I'm getting trashed every night...but a cocktail helps)

I'm teaching tomorrow. That means I need to take some time and put together what I'm going to do tonight. I'm also going to be helping another teacher plot out a fundamental change to the classroom. *sigh* It's good to be useful. I was in the classroom this morning. When I wasn't organizing my office.

I've been doing a little bit of shopping this evening. I haven't bought anything. Yet. And I don't know if I'll actually do it or not. But I'm thinking about it. The only thing is that spending money adds to the stress. So. Probably won't.

Ice cream. I'm thinking I need ice cream.

I can't seem to think straight this evening. I don't know exactly what to write about, but I do want to write about something. The dog is pacing. I haven't walked her; she's needing to run. I let her out into the backyard, and she does her thing for a minute or two and then she comes back and waits on the deck to be let in.

Still thinking about ice cream.

I couldn't get my coffee mug to open this morning. I don't think I'm a weakling, but criminey. It took banging the damn thing on the floor in order to loosen the seal. I need a new coffee mug. Half the time I can't get the coffee out of it. I can turn the cup upside down and shake it; ain't a damn drop coming out. Do you know how frustrating that is? I need a new cup. It's almost not worth it to make coffee in the morning.

I was going to drink tonight, but I've barely managed to finish a beer since I got back to the house.

Pudding. Maybe pudding is what I really want.

I've got to quit spending money. I just checked my bank account online, and next month, I'm going to have to start being really careful about what I choose to spend my money on. So that thing I was browsing for earlier, I won't worry about that anymore because I really don't need it. It can wait. Not that things are going to be overly tight; just that if I want to pay off some bills (and I do), then I need to live like I'm only making $11/hour.

I'm going to bed. I'm not tired, even though I didn't take a nap when I got home, but it seems like I should be going to bed.

I'm proud of myself. I figured out how to get the back cover off the Blackberry that a friend at work gave me today. Don't laugh; it was harder than it looks. It requires a bit of coordination and both hands. Tomorrow she's bringing me the charger. I can put my SIM card in it, charge it, and see how I like it. It's an older Blackberry (doesn't have a camera or anything fancy like that), so we'll see.

Morning Update

I am apparently a little stressed these days. I didn't get to sleep until about 1:30 last night. I did remember to wear my mouth guard, and surprisingly I kept it in all night. My ears feel better today. That's some small relief. The nausea is still here, though.

I don't want to go, but I can't see any other option. That's what adults do, I suppose. They do the things they have to do, even if they don't want to do them.

My Peach has been coming up to love me the last couple of mornings. I miss her with her living upstairs. As much of a pain in the ass as she is, she is my sweet cat. I'm not sure how she's going to adjust to being in a much smaller space, sharing it with Blackberry and the doggie. I suppose it doesn't really matter.

I have to reserve a moving truck today, and I have to update my insurance choices during open enrollment, which ends on Friday. That means I have to call the state and get my pin number so I can actually access that system. I'm not going to change anything, but I have to go through the process. Pain in the ass.

Alrighty then...I've gotta get going. Make-up and clothing. Coffee. And then out the door.

October 21, 2008

Late Evening Update

I cleaned out the fridge, and I'm doing laundry. Good little Suzy Homemaker I am. I'm sweating like a pig. Do ya think I might be sick? Too much to do at work to take a sick day, though. As much as I'd like to stay in the mushroom factory and wait it out, I'm afraid that facing the music is really the only choice. I wish it weren't, but I don't know how else to approach things.

I need to go upstairs and get my mouth guard out of my shower bag. I've got to wear it at night. My ears are beginning to hurt again. Even though I usually take it out halfway through the evening, any little bit helps, I think.

It was another crappy day at work. I don't expect tomorrow to be any better, although I will be in a classroom for a little while so I'm holding on to that bit of hope. It started this morning shortly after I walked through the door. One of the other master teachers, seeing me shortly after, said to me, "Whatever it is, it's going to be OK. And you need to know you're not alone in this." That made me feel better for a moment.

Attended a rather icky meeting this morning. The teacher that I'm supposed to be working with as an intervention wound up in tears. There are ways to talk to people and ways to not talk to them. It's not like this teacher doesn't know there's a problem. It was one of those attacks that made me extremely uncomfortable...like that parent conference I attended at Dixie. Sometimes less is more, and yes, I know the situation is grave. I've been extremely concerned. But at the same time, making someone cry isn't going to fix the problem. Talking to hear oneself talking and crowing about one's own accomplishments aren't really going to help the situation. And when you're wrong to boot, it's even more difficult.

Tomorrow is a schoolwide dress-down day. That means I'll be wearing jeans, tennis shoes, and my athletic t-shirt. And a jacket. Because it's supposed to be cold. That will be good because today my pants were falling down. They're loose to begin with, but I have to carry a walkie talkie on me since there's not a phone in my office. The walkie literally was pulling my pants down. Not an attractive look at all. And those pants aren't ones that can be fixed by say wearing a belt. *sigh*

My body isn't getting what it needs. I need to start talking my potassium pills again. My muscles are cramping up. I don't eat during the day. Maybe a cereal bar. I'm too nauseous in the morning. When I get home, I eat (tonight it was garlic bread, coleslaw, and left-over pork from the Wood Shed). But my body is needing fruits and veggies. Should probably stop at the store on the way back to the house tomorrow and pick up some salad, chicken, and pears? to make a salad for dinner tomorrow night. I also need to be walking the doggie. We haven't gone this week. I'm so tired.

I just found $7 in the washer...and a tube of chapstick. I've never been very good at checking my pockets before I put things in the washer. *sigh*

Today in CPR, we were talking about who you trust and why you trust them. Discussed what makes a person trust-worthy and why. Then we were asked to share the name of one person that we trust. That was very difficult. Probably more so than it should have been. I'm not sure that there is any person in this world that I trust completely. There are lots of people that I trust for a lot of things, but even those people don't know the inner depths. There are things that no one knows, and things I'll never, never tell anyone because I know (I know...I listen to the way they talk about other people and hear the judgment in their voices) that they'll judge me. So. That stuff stays with me.

I think that I'm a bit on the gullible/naive side. I believe people when they talk to me, and I never quite know what's the truth and what's not. I want to believe that people are basically good and honest and truthful, but I'm not entirely sure that bears out in most cases. I'm not that bright, though, because even though I know this...I still keep expecting people to do the right thing and be good to each other. I wonder if I'm ever going to get over that? Or will I always be disappointed when I find out that people aren't what they present themselves to be? Is it better to set yourself up for disappointment or is it better to just believe that people are going to be screwy and wait for them to prove you wrong? I dunno. I really wish I did.

I'm sweating. Literally sweating. I'd get my thermometer out and take my temp, but my tummy isn't warm. It's actually clammy. Probably because I'm sweating.

I've gotten all the Halloween cards addressed. Just have to mail them out. I was going to mail out a suicide bunny card, but I can't find them. I don't know where I put them. I'm sure they're here somewhere; I just don't know where.

I should go to bed, but there's another load of wash to do tonight.

I need to get the brakes done on the car. And I think I should probably do like a tune-up type thing, too. At least replace the spark plugs. It hasn't been done since I bought the car. Four years ago. It's probably time, isn't it? How much to do you think that's going to cost me? $400? $500? I should probably do it before I drive to Missouri for Thanksgiving, shouldn't I? (the brakes should be done after my next pay day)

I also need to recover the cushions on my chair. I'm thinking if I get some craft paper, I can make a pattern. Leave like an inch for seam allowances, right? I think the seat cushion will be hardest, but the back pillow is just like a big pillow case. I need some sturdy material that matches sorta. The material of the chair. Maybe denim would work best, but I don't know if my sewing machine will go through that. I also don't know what to do about how dingy the rest of the upholstery looks. cleaning it isn't going to work, and I'm not talented enough to recover the rest of it. Stapling it didn't work all that well when I tried to use a sheet as a slipcover. Any suggestions are welcomed because I can't afford to buy new furniture. Nor do I really want to buy new furniture.

It's after midnight. I gotta go to bed. Or try to go to bed. Or something.

Evening Update

I'm so tired of hearing adults yell at children. You're the adult; they're the child. Do you really need to yell at a child? Curse at a child? Really? And when you're yelling about the little things, do you think that you're going to be effective in meting out any kind of discipline? When your strategy for correcting misbehavior, where do you go from screeching? Good lord.

Morning Update

The weekend recap was quite long. Sorry.

I'm tired. And my stomach is upset. It seems that every morning I get nauseaous...and it's all about going to work. *sigh*

Finally got warm...too warm. Woke up this morning sweating. That's always a little on the gross side.

Gotta get going. Fifteen minutes to get out the door. Need to stop somewhere and get coffee. I forgot to bring my mug in so I forgot to make coffee this morning.

October 20, 2008

Late Evening Update

Another crappy day at work. Tomorrow doesn't promise to be any better. *sigh* I know what's going on, but I don't know how to solve the problem. Had some long conversations this morning with a couple of people I trust, and they seem to think the only thing to be done is to keep my head down and go after it. Which is fine, and what I plan to do, but at the same time, I wonder what damage is being done in the meantime. I suppose I won't worry about it too much because I can't do anything about it.

So weekend recap because I was too tired to do it last night.

Got to LBL around 6:30. It's about 230 miles over there, and I didn't get to leave until 4:00 time (LBL is in Central...so I got there at 7:30 my time). It was dark when I checked into the campsite, and like I said, the place was packed Friday night. For moment I had a little panic, worrying that I wasn't going to have a place to stay. It would have sucked to have gone all that way and not gotten to camp. Lucky for me, there were a couple of sites left.

One benefit of all the people in the campground was that the skunks didn't make their appearance. That made me happy because it meant I didn't have to worry about the doggie when I went to the bathroom.

One of the poles for the fly for my tent cracked when I was putting the thing up. I heard it and just wanted to cry. It was like a sign of one more thing not going right. Got things together, though, and managed to get the tent up, the air mattress inflated, the bed made, the doggie fed. Cracked open a beer.

Did I mention that there wasn't any firewood available? I don't ever take wood camping with me for several reasons, not the least of which is that there's usually wood available wherever it is that I'm going. The other reasons would be that I don't have room to cart it in my car's trunk, and I wouldn't know where to buy it here anyway. So. No firewood, which sucked because I was going to cook dinner. I did, though, have a couple of those duraflame logs with me. I'm not ashamed to use what may work. Just in case.

After the tent was up, and I was changed into my jammies, started dinner. And made a cocktail. Big ol', huge cocktail. Vodka, tonic, and cranberry. Alcohol made the sound of the generator and the screaming rednecks easier to take. The screaming rednecks managed to bring an entire truckload of firewood with them...and they were splitting it long past midnight. If I hadn't found firewood when I was out on Saturday, I was going to ask them if I could buy firewood from them.

Anyway. Made dinner, started reading my book, continued to drink. Thought about writing a little, but the one thing that I seemed to need to write about wasn't at all what I wanted to write about. So, no writing for me. Friday night, I read A Long Way Gone It wasn't a great book, and I wanted to know what happened at the end. Some of the descriptions were riveting, but altogether, just because someone has a story to tell, doesn't mean they can write it. I bought the book because I thought that maybe it might work as a mentor text, and while pieces of it might work, I'm kinda disappointed in it overall.

Around 11, I started getting really, really tired. I felt like it was way too early to be going to bed, so I stayed up for another hour and continued to read. And drink. When it got to be midnight, I realized that it was actually 1 in the morning my time. With that realization, I opened another beer, crawled in the tent and read just a little longer. Until I got a text message from the boy. Funny that I'd cranked the volume on the phone while I was driving over so I could actually hear it. I forgot to turn it down. *sigh* When it's silent except for the yelling, splitting rednecks next door, Kid Rock is really loud.

The next morning at 6:30, the people across the way had their generator going. Woke me up. Got the dog wound up. But more importantly, it woke the yelling rednecks up as well. Which meant it was time for me to get up. I started a little fire so I could make breakfast, and the Generators offered to come over and squirt my log with lighter fluid, just so I could get it started good. Yeah, thanks, really. But no thanks. I had a beer in my hand, swigging it by 7:30 in the morning.

By the time breakfast was done, I'd finished my beer, and it was about 9:00. I decided the right thing to do was take a nap. Slept until about noon, got a shower, and got myself going well...and headed out to find the little cemeteries. Had the first of several gross experiences with rude hunters. I turned off the main road and on to a dirt road. Made my way back about a mile and then came to a spot where the road was very wide (a turn-around point). The road continued, but it was steep and not very well defined. So. I hiked up. Sad, sad little place with these odd white PVC crosses marking graves. I took some pictures. Will post them some other time.

There's something about cemeteries that calls to me. I don't really know what it is. The older the better. I always wonder what their lives were like. Who were they? And in those little forgotten cemeteries that are difficult to get to and not marked on any maps, who misses them? Who cares for their final resting place? If anyone? I plan on cremation, so while someone could ask those questions about my life, they're not going to have some weathered marker to prompt the thoughts.

AT any rate, I came down the hill, picking up some wood to use in my fire that night, two trucks came pulling up, completely blocking the road. I waited for a minute as they were getting out of their trucks and pulling bows out of the back. It dawned on me that they really weren't planning on moving. So. I put Cob in the car and walked up to them. Managed to catch the attention of one of them and asked him if he would mind moving so I could head back to the main road. He just kinda looked at me like I was asking him to move a mountain. All he had to do was let me turn around, and then pull up to where I had been parked. Easy.

Not quite. He sorta pulled off the road, which meant that I had to really pull off the road so I could get around him. Him in his big ass truck, me in my little Honda. *sigh* Asshole.

And then, later in the day, on another dirt road, heading to another cemetery, a jackass in another big ass truck literally ran me off the road and into a ditch. One of my friends said it was probably because I was in a Honda. Some of those folks apparently don't like foreign vehicles. Whatever it was, pissed me off. Seriously. I was slowing down, was moving over. It wasn't like I wanted the whole road, but my little car in the ditch in the middle of nowhere wasn't a thought I really wanted to contemplate either. You know?

After that, it was down into Dover, TN looking for someone to sell me firewood. As I drove past, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a bunch of wood stacked up outside of a fresh fruit stand. I turned around and pulled in. *sigh*

Dan Griggs. Man in his 60s. With a sign hanging inside the fruit stand that said, "Wanted: One good woman. Must cook, clean, etc". I should have known then. But I needed wood. (Some of the perverts in the crowd are giggling right now. Don't deny it. I know you are) He was selling firewood at four sticks for a dollar. In doing some math, I decided that with a fire for dinner and a fire for the morning, I needed 8, maybe 12 pieces of wood. I had a ten dollar bill on me. So, I told him that I needed $2 worth, and he could keep the rest for the bucket on the counter labeled "for cemetery upkeep."

An hour later...after he'd shown me his "museum" which was a collection of photographs and artifacts from the area (did I mention that he's a member of the CSA, and that he participates in re-enactments? Had a mouth full of tobacco and as near as I could tell, only had two teeth in the bottom of his mouth)...we were standing by my car, with me waiting to get the wood so I could leave. The next thing I know, he's putting piece after piece of wood in my trunk. He filled it. Must have been 20 pieces of wood in there.

"Now, we want to make sure that you got plenty to get you through the night. Wouldn't want you to get cold out there."

No, no we wouldn't. Thank you very much.

All along, I was making noise about needing to go...having to get back to my camp site to feed the doggie who was being extremely patient in waiting for me. Then Dan Griggs took my hand in his, kissed the back of it, and started rubbing it. Said that I could com back any time I wanted, and that he hoped I'd come visit again soon. I told him that I come every fall, and I'd be by to see him in a year. I literally had to pull my hand out of his. (Some of you may recall my Mississippi Deliverance story. For those of you who missed, it can be found here. Now I've had my Tennessee Deliverance story)

Once I had extracted myself from the situation, it was off to Hopkinsville and the Woodshed for BBQ for dinner. Once again, it was dark by the time I got back to the campsite. I unloaded all the wood from my trunk, fed my doggie, made a cocktail, and had dinner all while reading The MemoryKeeper's Daughter. Then I put the sweater on my doggie, got out the blanket that the GrandSner gave me that has a little pouch for your feet, pulled the camp chair out of the trunk, and cozied up to my roaring fire. Somewhere among the cocktails and the cocktails, the fire, and the book, I fell asleep. Sitting in the chair, curled up in my blanket, next to the fire, book in hand. It was at that point (pushing 2:30 in the morning...no clue what time I nodded off) that I decided that it was time to take myself into the tent and go to bed. Even though I had a full cocktail ready to be consumed (don't worry...it kept until the next morning).

Once again, Sunday morning, the generator came on at 6:30. So, I got up and made breakfast. (finished my cocktail too) The generator folks left around 8:00, so I went back to bed for a couple of hours. Then it was just a matter of packing things up and coming back to Louisville. I didn't leave the campground until around noon, which means I wasn't back here until about five.

And that was the weekend. Broke a bunch of nails. Some thoughts (the very little writing that I id do), but I don't know if I'm going to share them or not because I'm pretty sure they don't really matter. At least not to anyone but me, so I guess I'll just hang on to them. So other people don't feel bad. The circle is still open, though.

In other news, I think that the removal of my IUD has done some damage. Things still hurt in there...and two weeks later, I'm pretty sure that's not what should be happening. I guess that means I need to call the doctor and ask him, huh?

October 19, 2008

Late Evening Update

Tired. It was an OK camping weekend. I was too early for the leaves to be changing, which I was kinda afraid of. I was also too early to have the place to myself. It was packed out Friday night. Filled with families and kids and people who didn't now when to shut up. Rude people too. Both Saturday and Sunday mornings, the people across the way (in the spot I was in last year) turned their generator on at 6:30. What? Huh? Seriously? And they ran the damn thing all day...finally turned it off about 10 at night. That combined with the idiots next to me who couldn't stop yelling at their children (I'm so very weary of hearing adults yell at children. For stupid shit. Spilling milk isn't something that deserves yelling and cursing at a child. Spilling milk means that the child cleans it up and perhaps doesn't get any more), didn't make for a very restful weekend.

I'm afraid that I might have picked up a bit of a cold. I was freezing the entire ride back to Louisville. Had the heat in the car cranked up to 83. All stuffed up and incredibly tired.

I would tell you all about the rest of the weekend, but I'm tired. And I have to get up early enough in the morning to figure out how to take a shower since I can't do it here (there's a clogged drain that sends water sluicing into my "kitchen" area...soaking my boxes of books). I don't know if I'm going to go to a truck stop and take a shower or if I'm going to take an abbreviated shower upstairs with the drain plugged (and just drain it after the problem gets fixed).

October 17, 2008

Morning Update

Last night's ramblings that didn't deliver on their promise.

I'm not good with confrontation, but I've had it out already once this morning. I'm not afraid to do it again. Seriously. When you've screwed up, own it. Please. Don't make excuses and don't try to put it off on someone else.

Can I tell you how much I'm looking forward to getting out of here this afternoon? I'm ready. Put the doggie in the car and get the hell out of dodge. Roll the window down for her, open the sunroof and just drive. She said. I didn't get around to packing this morning. But there's so little left to do tonight, that it shouldn't be that big of a deal to just toss things in the bag, fill the cooler and go.

It's going to be chilly this weekend. I was downright cold when I let the doggie out this morning. I hope that it hasn't rained over there lately. I'd like to have some dry wood to start a fire with. I suppose though that since I bought those duraflame logs to take just in case, I'll be fine either way. I'm not going to get there until 7 or so. *sigh* I can't leave any earlier, though...even though I am leaving right at 2:30. Gonna try to beat the busses out of the parking lot. Dammit.

Maybe more later, but don't count on it. If I don't see you before then, it's gonna be Sunday. Y'all have a good weekend and stay safe.

October 16, 2008

Evening Update

The car is mostly loaded up. I need to pack my bag of clothes, etc, but I think that maybe I'll get up early enough to do that in the morning. The cooler still has to be done, but I'll pick up a bag of ice tomorrow so that I can ice down the stuff I bought to take with me. And have some for the booze. I've packed a lot of booze. And speaking of the stuff I bought to take with me...I found thick cut pork chops on sale so it looks like that will be dinner for tomorrow night. Along with the booze. (and a decadent looking brownie thing that I found on sale as well)

Just so you know, I plan on spending most of the weekend intoxicated and impaired. (really...there's half a bottle of rum and a full bottle of vodka in the car. Thinking about tossing in a bottle of wine. Just in case because you never know what you might really might be in the mood for)

So some of you can have fun, I might have a new toy to play with this weekend. One of the girls at work had an AT&T Blackberry Pearl that she was getting rid of. I told her I'd buy it from her because I've seriously been thinking about a Blackberry. Being cut off from the world during Hurricane Ike was disconcerting, and a media package only costs me $15 more per month. Considering that I have a discount because of my work, it's almost a wash. I sent her a message asking her to bring it to work with her tomorrow, but I don't know if she got it, and frankly, I have no desire to take a look at my work email until tomorrow morning.

Paying the piper wasn't all that bad today. I mean...it was bad enough. But it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I have work I'm supposed to do tonight, but it's not going to happen because it doesn't really matter if it's done tonight or if it's done tomorrow night or Sunday night. Just as long as it's done by Tuesday afternoon's meeting.

Got the insurance sorted out. *sigh* It took an hour and 15 minutes, but it's done. I paid the entire renter's insurance ($119/year) and a monthly on the car insurance ($66/month...with the big coverage the Sner said I needed. I dunno. I just did what she said cuz I don't know any better).

Tomorrow morning I'm going to send a fax so I can get the proof that I paid sales tax on my car in Mississippi. Once I get that returned, all I need to do to really be a Kentucky resident is get my breast cancer tag and pose for a Kentucky driver's license. The problem is...I don't know if I want to be a Kentucky resident.

I need to wax my eyebrows and lip. I've been putting it off, but I figure if I do it tonight, that will give me the weekend to break out in those gross tiny pimples. *sigh*

I've done a bunch of writing in the last couple of days. That usually happens when I'm upset. I bought a new writer's notebook tonight because if I continue to feel this way, by the end of the weekend, my current notebook will be filled. I'm trying to think of all that I've written and how much of it I want to share.

I had a ton of stuff written out here. Paragraph after paragraph. But I don't think it matters much. None of it really. All that matters is I surrender. I give up.

With a little control/I let go/I alter my approach/Changes and transmissions/Some days you're gonna fall/I'd like to help you/Any way I can/Any way at all...and through the darkest night/when you're black and blue/who's gonna shine the light/who still believes in you...it's like another piece of me/bends until it breaks...ok, ok, ok/what a thing to choose/this one's gonna bruise/you'll learn one day won't you/what you want is bad for the soul/lost out in the rain...

Morning Update

Last night's ramblings.

It's been a rough morning already. I suppose the rain doesn't help. I was listening to PorterDavis on the way in. "Changes and Transmissions". Some days you're gonna fall. I'm falling today. Those moments when the truth hits you like a thunderbolt are never comfortable, but I suppose one should be grateful for them. Once they've arrived, you can then stop acting like an idiot because you trusted someone you shouldn't have.

It doesn't make feeling like an idiot any easier, though.

More on that this evening. But for right now, the circle is open, in preparation for contraction. (If you don't know about circles, there will be an explanation this evening)

October 15, 2008

Late Evening Update

OK. I got the data entered that I needed to. Tomorrow I'll hopefully finish it up. *sigh* Such a pain in the ass.

I just wrote a bunch of addresses in an address book. I had all of them in the email client on my computer, but I don't always have my computer with me when I need to look up an address. So now I have a little black book. I'll be addressing Halloween cards this weekend while I'm camping.

Going to get new car insurance tomorrow afternoon. *sigh* The rate actually isn't that bad, and the renter's insurance is a really good deal, I think.

Called the tax collector in Hattiesburg, and they're going to send me a copy of my receipt showing that I paid sales tax on my car when I bought it four years ago. The lady was incredulous that the state of Kentucky would try to charge me "use tax" if I couldn't prove that I'd already paid that kind of tax. So. That means my car tag will be cheap when I go to get it at the end of the month. So very excited about that!

I was going to post what I wrote about this whole situation with the boy, but it's too late tonight. I've got to get in the bed and get to sleep. Perhaps tomorrow night.

Evening Update

It was an OK day, I suppose. Potentially much worse than yesterday because the good news wasn't a part of it. *sigh* Kinda dreading tomorrow. Have some work that I should be doing now. I don't want to do it, though. I'm going to. Just as soon as the debate starts.

I'm going to go camping this weekend, which means tomorrow night I have to pack the car. I want to leave on Friday as soon after I get off as I can. That means a list has to be compiled. All the things I have to take with me. I have to go to the grocery store and the liquor store as well. Gotta make the list, and I'm ready to go.

Mercury turns direct tomorrow. Which means the chaos in my life (and perhaps yours) is supposed to abate. There may be one last burst of ickiness, which does not bode well for tomorrow...if you believe such things...but then things are supposed to be smooth sailing in a couple of areas of my life. One in particular.

It's funny, I think, that tonight I was talking with a friend, and he told me that I needed to find someone I could be happy with and have a baby. Maybe not someone I loved, although that would be preferable, but at least someone who would treat me and a child well, and make a beautiful baby with him. I don't know about all that. I don't know how willing I am to tie myself another human being in that way. Coach has been telling me for a long time that I needed to have babies, that I would be a great mom. I don't know about all that either.

Had my hair did this afternoon. Don't know if I like it or not. It was like a throw-back to the 80s. Keep in mind that I haven't had my hair done in 3 months, and I had roots about 2 inches long. She pulled some of my hair through a cap (?!?!) and used the chestnut color, which is a very nice color. It doesn't look bad. I just can see my roots. The silver shows through, and I think I might like it. I don't know whether I want to see if Doug will do my hair for me at Thanksgiving or if I want to wait for a girlie road trip in December.

Speaking of waiting until December...I made the appointment for my Christmas pressie to myself. On December 27th at noon, I'm getting a new tattoo. On the right side. Wisteria and azaleas. I think that this time I want it to go all the way up the side, not stop at the bra line. I've also found the design that I want for the tree of life on my thigh...but that's going to be pricey. So perhaps in June or July.

OK...off to do my work. But hopefully I'll be back a little later.

Just looked in the mirror, and I'm going to have to see if Doug can do my hair at Thanksgiving. It's not going to wait until Christmas. *sigh* I don't even know if it's going to make it another month and a half. *sigh*

October 14, 2008

Evening Update

The weekend update can be found here. I warn you, though...it's long.

Today was a mixed bag. Got some really good news that will remove part of the stress that is currently occupying my life, but there was other crap that kinda dampened that excitement.

I was in a gawd awful staff development today. I really, really didn't want to be there. I mean, really, really didn't want to be there. I was late getting up and then was a space cadet getting out the door. I made coffee but left it setting on the bookcase. Left my cereal bar and cheese there too.

Have talked to Coach again today. We were talking about the stress in my life, and he said that apparently I like stressful work environments because he could get me a cushy job in Atlanta. Which might be a nice idea, but then I'd have the stress of him. If I'm a couple of hundred miles away from him, we never have to have that moment of rejection. I haven't seen him in four years, haven't had sex with him in that long. I don't plan to ever have sex with him again...but it's one thing to say it from 500 miles away. It's another to have to say it when he's standing in your living room.

I wrote a lot today during my awful professional development. It was about the only way I could keep my mind off the fact that I was going to miss a phone call. So...the things I wrote about today:

• There was a gorgeous full moon setting this morning. I knew that it was a full moon coming because I've been reading my horoscope, but for some reason, I wasn't thinking of the physical manifestation of that astrological event. When I saw it this morning, it startled me. It literally looked like the moon, so big and full, was sitting on top of the Watterson on-ramp. At first, I wasn't quite sure what it was, and when I got on the ramp, I lost it. Took me a few seconds to find it again, and when I tracked it, it was already diminished.

It was amazing how less spectacular it was in the space of just a few moments. The color was still amazing, but the moon as not nearly as overwhelming, like I could no longer reach out and touch it. The memory of it remains, though. I have it captured in my mind. I wish I'd had my camera with me to take a picture. This reminds me that I need a much better camera because even if I'd had my camera, I couldn't have captured all that it was.

Stunning. I went out and looked at it just now this evening, and it's nothing like it was this morning.

I have sorta known that I was losing weight, but there are moments when I know it. I have this pair of black capri pants that I've had for a few years now. They have this funky belt type thing that when I first bought them could buckle. They weren't comfy when cinched, though. As I got chubbier, the belt thing couldn't be cinched. But now it can be. And it's comfy. So. It's official. I'm losing weight. Even though I did just eat some pumpkin cheesecake, speaking of which...I need to make one for Thanksgiving.

Talked to my Sner this evening. She sent me a card, and I got it today. It's been a stressful couple of weeks, and when things are stressful, it's always nice to get some little something in the mail. It's funny in this age of instant communication how nice it is to get something that isn't a bill in the mail. I have a bunch of Halloween cards that I need to get addressed and put in the mail so folks have some sort of happy. I've been waiting for my stamp to come in. It's supposed to be in tomorrow. I suppose it's also time to send out some post cards, too.

 

October 13, 2008

Evening Update

I'm tired. I could lay down right now and go to bed...sleep on through tomorrow afternoon. I took today off because my head hurt was hurting so badly last night that I had to take medication. It hadn't worn off by the time I woke up, so I called in. I think I slept until 10:00 or so and was up then. I'm ready to go back to bed.

I suppose it's time for a recap of the weekend.

Jamie made it here around 10:30 in the morning. She got from Hattiesburg to Louisville in 7.5 hours. I remember the days when I used to travel that fast. I just don't anymore. I'm good with about 80 or so. She slept until about 7:00, and then we were waiting for Lori Kay to arrive. We probably should have gotten dinner when she first woke up, but we through we'd wait. As it was, we didn't wind up eating until about 2:30 in the morning. We did, though, take a ride around Louisville. Kinda introducing Jamie to neighborhoods and where things were. Jamie thinks she wants to move to Louisville in the spring.

You have to know Lori Kay to think it was funny that we had to get in the car and make our way to where she was so she could follow us to the house. She might have gotten lost. Once she arrived, we all got ready to hit the town and were headed out the door around midnight. Bars in Louisville don't close until 4, so heading out then gave us plenty of time to get our groove on.

I really liked the bar we are at first. It was comfy, and they were playing really good music. Shortly after we walked in, there was a drunk German guy in an orange shirt hitting on us. Kept hugging and touching and talking but wasn't understandable. Jamie eventually got rid of him by telling him that he needed to come back after five beers. Wellllllll...he heard it as "come back after five years". he left very dejected and upset. The upshot of it, though, is that he was drunk; he won't remember it.

Then Jamie picked up some weird looking kid that was wearing shades in the bar. He bought her a shot and then a beer, but she got paranoid about what he may have put in her beer. So I bought another beer, and we did a sneaky switch with the suspect beer going in the trash. Eventually, Lori Kay pulled cock-blocking duty and we hightailed out to find food. Not before, though, they played Thriller. There were a few people doing the dance, and Lori Kay decided before we went out again, we were going to have to learn the moves.

After we left the bar, we made our way to a pizza place for more beers and food. There was some acoustic trio playing. Badly. The guy couldn't really sing, and there were two girls who weren't really singing back-up but were rather just kinda slithering around a mic stand. I knew the songs they were playing, so I was very tempted to make my up to the stage, but I didn't. We just had pizza instead.

Came home, and it was just like a teenage girl's slumber party. We were down here in the basement giggling and talking and laughing. It was after 4 in the morning before we made our way to sleep. Which was not good, when you consider that we had to be out of the house by about 8:10 to get to the Race on time. *sigh*

It was hard to get up. Really, really hard. But worth it. We joined about 12,000 other people (and their dogs! I didn't take Cob because I was told that dogs weren't allowed on the course), and we walked and laughed and had a great time.

The Race itself wasn't the most organized I've ever participated in. There wasn't a big "start". There was a starters gun for the timed runners but for the rest of us, it was kinda like, go whenever you want to go. Kinda diminished that whole sense of solidarity. On another note, I think that I'm probably ready to start doing some interval work...throwing some jogging in with the walking. I was moving along nicely, and I think it's time.

After the race, we came home to grab the picnic stuff and headed out to Cherokee Park with the doggie. We had a lovely picnic...chicken salad in pitas, tomato/mozzarella/basil salad, goat cheese and colby jack cheese on crackers, fresh fruit, freshing light wines, and beer. It was a perfect way to spend an early afternoon.

Then we came back to the house and took naps. We slept until about 6:30 or so and then started getting ready to go out. Three girlies needing showers and hair dryers and mirrors takes a bit. When you figure in letting the water in the water heater warm back up, it's even longer, particularly when cocktails are part of the mix. We were finally ready to leave around 9:30 or so.

Had dinner at the Hard Rock because that was the place we saw first. We all ordered Pinktober drinks (came with the Hard Rock glass, which meant it was $13.00 for a cocktail...proceeds going to the Susan Komen Foundation). My tummy wasn't feeling too good so I didn't eat much of my salad. Kinda felt like puking all night long. Not sure what that was about. The manager of the place kept coming over to talk to us because they forgot about our drinks for such a long time. We were supposed to have gotten free shots out of the deal...pink pussy cats...but they didn't materialize before we were ready to walk out the door.

From there, we went to one of the bars in Fourth Street Live. Eh. Because my stomach was upset, I was done drinking. It's interesting to observe the natives in their natural habitat, though. And I have to admit, I'm enough of a ham, that I would have liked to be up there on that stage. Not that I can dance, but it looked like they were having fun.

Lots and lots of hoochie mommas out in their traditional dress. I gotta say that I don't think those dresses with the sweatshirt bottom is a good look for most women. At least it wasn't working for a lot of women that were wearing it. And...that dress really isn't the best for women who are working a pole. I saw more pairs of panties than I have in a long time. And bare asses. Lots of bare asses.

One poor girl had guys shoving money in her panties. She was working the one move she had on the pole...a sorta half-spin with her legs around it, sliding down on her back. At one point, I noticed that her panties had a hole in them. On top of that, she was really, really drunk. At one point in time, another chick got up there with her, and it was full-out girl-on-girl action. Funny that later in the night, the dj was offering free drinks to any girls on the stage who would kiss...tongue action kiss...and he didn't get any takers.

There were two bigger girls on stage at various points in the night, and by bigger girls, I mean bigger than me. One of them was fine with me, and the other not so much. The one that wasn't so much was writhing around on another girl and was lifting up her dress (saw her panties too). Being rather...fluffy...myself, I know there are varying standards of beauty and if she was comfortable up there showing her stuff, then more power to her.

The other one, though...she was just up there doing her own thing. Moving. Dancing. I'd almost say that you could forget how big she was but she was so big that wasn't really possible, but you could tell she wasn't putting on a show for someone else. It was about her. I kinda wish I had that type of confidence. As she was getting off the stage, the whole thing was ruined, though. Some jackass said something to her, related to her weight I surmise, and her face just fell. I hurt for her in that minute because until then, you know that she'd been totally unaware of herself in the space she occupied. I often wonder if the fear of that kind of reaction is why I don't put myself out there more often. I know what I bring to the table. I know what my strengths are. And I know that I don't fit the ideal for a lot of people.

So...a little sociology and psychology for the evening.

Shortly thereafter, we decided to come back to the house and drink. I think maybe we left downtown around 2:30? Because Jamie had injured her foot during the Race, I brought the car to them. I'd found a parking place, just a block from Fourth Street Live. I was unlocking the car and getting into it when a guy came walking across the street towards me, saying, "Miss, hey miss...miss?" Whipped into the seat, slammed the door, hit the locks, and started the car. What the hell? There wasn't really anyone else on the street, so what kind of idiot approaches a single female? Idiot.

At any rate, we made it to the house, and again...slumber party. The wine was flowing, the beer was poured, and we were laughing and talking and watching a sex product showcase on Oxygen. Who knew that you could buy sex toys on tv like it was QVC? We certainly didn't. They weren't just selling cheezy beginner stuff, though. There were some things there that were frightening in their enormity. I mean...some of those things could be dangerous in the wrong hands. And then there's the Rabbit...which was not my friend. *shudder*

It was perfect silliness, and it all three of us laying on the air mattress, giggling and talking, was the best way to end the night.

I had so much fun with them, and it was really hard to let them go on Sunday morning. I've been sad since they left. I have really good friends...wonderful, funny, supportive, caring friends. Being here, so far away from them all, it's hard to remember that. I'm feeling a lot like I did when I first moved to Hattiesburg. I like to be alone a lot, but I miss those connections. I miss being able to call up a friend and have someone to do things with if that's what I'm feeling.

Anyway. Finally heard from the boy. Still not quite sure what I want to say about that. Working it through in my head. *sigh* Maybe tomorrow I'll have it parsed enough to put here.

I'm starving. I've been hungry the last two days. I had dinner. I had a snack. And I'm still starving. Usually this happens when I'm PMSing, but since my period is just ending, that's not the answer.

I have some other potential news, but I won't know for sure on it until tomorrow, so I'm going to keep it to myself. I'm trying not to get excited about it, but it's hard.

Talked to Coach today. Again. He's being very solicitous and concerned. Today we were talking about the choices we make with regard to our lives. He said, choices are what you make of them, not what they make for you. You're in control and in the driver's seat...even if at times it feels easier to be powerless. Makes sense. That's the hard part about talking to him. He usually makes a lot of sense, and he usually says things I don't necessarily want to hear. Then again...lots of times it's just a bunch of bullshit. Like last week's, "you know, I think love must be the most elusive mystery in the world." *sigh*

Gotta go to bed. Tired.

Afternoon Update

The album from this weekend is ready, but I'm still waiting on authorization to post it. So, in the meantime for those of you who live somewhere that the trees don't turn such magnificent colors, it's starting here. Since it was a fairly dry summer, I'm hoping that the colors will be beautiful next weekend when I'm camping in the Land Between the Lakes.

Until then, though, here's some color from Cherokee Park here in Louisville.

I need to go take a look at an apartment, which means I need to get myself presentable. I also need to stop by and renew my AAA membership and get a quote on insurance. I have to purchase insurance by Wednesday. I think for the first time in a long time, I'm going to have to go to a monthly payment. I like to pay 6 months at a time, and while I could do that, I kinda want to have all of that money in the account available for rent and deposits and all of that stuff. You know?

More later.

October 12, 2008

Evening Update

Took my doggie to the park, and we walked around, taking pictures. I'll have to put together an album and get those up. The colors are starting to get pretty, and I'm hopeful that they will be lovely over around Land Between the Lakes this year.

I know tha tsome of you are dying for dtails about the weekend. I'm thinking that I might want to give those to you tomorrow when my head isn't quite so polluted with other thoughts. And if I weren't so foggy. I've got that tingling thing going on again. It never really left, and I was feeling it something fierce last night, but I didn't want to be the killjoy that sent us home because I was unwell. My head is killing me right now, though.

Did y'all see my Cowboys lose in overtime? What in the hell was that bullshit about?

I have a lot that I need to write about, but I don't really know how to say what I want to say. I don't know exactly what it is I need to say, to be honest. I'd like to be able to work through all of that "stuff" here, but there are too many people watching that either I really don't want to know that much about the inner workings of my soul or they think that they know more than they really do when they read here. I mean there's a lot here, but it's not everything.

It's freezing in this house. Jamie and Chi were cold all weekend. Being in the basement, it's particularly bad.

Gotta go to bed.

Afternoon Update

My friends are gone, and I'm sad. It was such a good weekend! Had so much fun. Didn't to get to all we had planned, but that's OK. What we did get to was more than enough. I have pictures but I need to do the whole editing process so maybe they'll be posted up later this evening. Right now, though, I think I'm going to take my doggie for a walk in Cherokee Park. There were some beautiful trees turning yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to take any pictures of them. Dammit. Plus, since my doggie got into the cat fud, her butt needs to be outside so it doesn't stink here.

Peace out bitches; more later.

October 10, 2008

Early Evening Update

I wasn't feeling well at all last night. Still not 100%.

One of my friends is here; the other left her home about an hour ago. Jamie is sleeping; she didn't want to sleep past 7, so I'll wake her up in a little while. I'm so excited to see her!

I need to remove some fingernail polish and touch up my feet. So, I suppose I'm going to get on that.

October 9, 2008

Evening Update

My back is doing that radiating numbness thing, and I'm not entirely sure that my legs are going to work when I stand up. I'm wobbly and unsteady.

Most of the time I can forget about this problem in my head. A headache now and then, a little unsteadiness. It goes away and I don't have to think about it for awhile. When it's about more than a headache, though, I get worried. Now that I have insurance, I need to go to the general practionier and get a referral to the nuerologist. It's been a long time since the 24 hour test with the leads that make me look like I belong on a Star Trek set. And I should go again. But there's a part of me that really doesn't want to know if it's what I'm afraid it is. That's too much to think about. I know that it's better to know...particularly if it is what I'm afraid of...but that thought is too frightening.

I'm having a ton acid reflux tonight. Choking on it.

I can't wait for my friends to get here.

Got the doggie a super cute collar tonight. It's pink leather with silver bones on it. Originally $25. I paid $9. There wasn't a tag on it, and the flunky at the counter looked it up, but he got the price wrong. I told him. He didn't listen. So Cob will be super cute at the Race with her pink collar. I gave her a bath tonight, and then cleaned the tub. My cleaning probably wasn't good enough, but whatever.

It's always interesting to see who visits here and when they do it. Funny even.

I was in a classroom today that was working on memior leads. Because I'm a writing teacher and a writing teacher, I wrote with them. maybe I'll post up later when my brain isn't mush. If my head doesn't get better, I don't know if work is a possibility for tomorrow. Now is not the time for me to be doing this.

Talked to Coach again this morning. He was over his mad. Such a strange relationship we have. *sigh*

It's taken me two and a half hours to type this. The laundry is done, the downstairs is as clean as it's going to get for now. I still need to wipe off the table. Which reminds me. Need to get up and get the coffee ready.

Afternoon Update

It's been a stressful couple of days. I'm paying the price. Got to the house around 3:30 and have had two seizures since I got here. My head is killing me. First one happened as I was getting out of the car at the house. Fell and ripped my wool pants at the knee. I'm not sure how afix would work for them. I suppose that's where it's a good thing that they only cost $7.00. *sigh*

Need to go to bed but too much to do. Plus the sheets are in the dryer.

Have bathed the doggie. She smells like a vanilla now. Need to put clothes away and organize. And sweep/vacuum. And go to the store. Can't do that until the laundry is done. One more load that needs the dryer.

October 8, 2008

Evening Update

I can't remember what yesterday was about, but you can read it all here.

Today has been a mixed bag. I have some serious concerns about things that are going on in a classroom at school. It's gone beyond a classroom management issue. There are legal issues all over the situation. I'm prepared and willing to provide support through co-teaching and modeling lessons, but the whole thing is a little overwhelming. It's so bad in that room, that I don't know exactly where to begin. Sadly.

I cancelled my hair appointment this afternoon because I thought I had a meeting. It turns out that I didn't. I'm seriously considering not getting my highlights redone. I've got a ton of silver...and I do mean silver-not gray, not white-...hair now. I'm interested in seeing what it looks like with the silver streaking the red and not the blond. I just don't know if I'm really ready for that or not. I'm 32. It seems really early to be as silver as I am around my face. I don't want to look "old".

My head is killing me. Had a bit of an emotional afternoon. Coach and I talked again. He's always been really supportive, knowing what to say to me to make things better because he has a way with words. Not working for me today. I was upset anyway, but it was worse after talking to him. He doesn't quite get it. I'm upset and crying, and he's talking about losers and the the things people say when they're suffering from weak self esteem...all stuff trying to make me feel better. I told him that he wasn't helping, and then capped it off by saying that the last time I could remember being hurt like this was when he got married. Yeah, once again...end of conversation. I don't know exactly what upset him...whether it was the reminder that he married someone else when it could have been me or if he was upset that someone else is as important to me as he once was...which is a first in all these years. He's seen me through several things that ultimately meant nothing and that I walked away from a little bruised, but never really hurt.

My friend Betsy is back in the hospital. I'm so angry with her doctor. He should be taken out and shot. She has to have surgery again tomorrow. She's so weak and tired. This is months of infection she's been fighting. I'm really worried about her.

I'm also still mad. I'm trying to get over it because I have friends that are coming to see me and have a good time with me in just a little over a day. So regardless of what an interloper wants to do, it's going to be fine.

Speaking of which, that means I've got to clean tomorrow. I have a meeting until 6, and then I'm working on the cleaning and the laundry (fresh sheets for the bed and the air mattress). I've been burning the candles so it doesn't smell down here. Doggie probably needs a bath too. It's been a little while since she was bathed. I also need to get her a new collar. A nice pink one for the race. I stopped by the Breast Cancer Shop and didn't find a breast cancer collar to replace the one that has somehow gotten lost.

Did I mention that I have to teach tomorrow, and I still need to think about how I want to teach the vocabulary portion of my lesson. I've got the sentence combining piece down. I just need to figure out the vocabulary. Rigorous vocabulary instruction. How am I going to get to that? Actually, I think I know how I want to do that. I just don't have the text book with me, and since I'm going to be observed first thing in the morning, I won't have time to get to it. Dammit. That's OK. Wing it. I'm a professional. I can do it.

My tummy hurts. Still. Pretty sure it shouldn't still be hurting. And speaking of that...my blood pressure was way, way down this time. I haven't been taking my vitamins this week, and I was super nervous, so I was surprised that it was that low. Low enough that I don't qualify for pre-hypertension. That makes me happy. Perhaps happier than I should have been.

I should be in bed because I feel like hell, but I want to see Michelle Obama on the Daily Show.

October 7, 2008

Evening Update

Right now I'm so angry that I can hardly speak. The Sner called in the middle of it,and we talked, but I'm still mad. Talked to another friend, and she helped too. In the past, I would have sent a message to the boy, but on top of my anger, I don't think I could have handled that rejection. At one point in time, he would have been the first person I thought of, and that instinct was pretty strong tonight. Just couldn't do it, though.

I talked to Beth tonight for quite a long while. I'd called on Friday and again yesterday and again tonight. I was beginning to worry that she was upset with me because of what happened with Lil Brother and my friend. She wasn't, though (they're back on the thought that perhaps he and I will wind up together). We had a really good talk. She's such a good teacher, and she's doing some great things with her students. I really wish that I could be that good.

I watched part of the debate this evening. Didn't really pay a lot of attention to it because at this point in time, my mind isn't going to be changed. You know? I can't vote for McCain. I just can't. And after his mortgage bail-out bullshit this evening, if there was a chance in hell, there's not one now. My job is heavily impacted by property tax revenue, but I'm really almost of the opinion that we've got to let the chips fall where they may. We've all got to get ourselves back to where we ought to be.

I've had a bottle of Chateau St. Michelle Riesling this evening. It's pretty good. And cheap. I will hopefully sleep well this evening.

My tummy still hurts. I kinda feel like my insides have been through the wringer. If I knew where my heating pad was, I'd be sleeping with it tonight. Since I don't know where it might be, I'm going with the alcohol and advil.

People brought their dogs to work again today. I didn't take Cob because of my doctor's appointment and because I thought that since parents and kids would be in the building it would be off-limits. Now I know better, though. Cob is so going to work with me on the next Gold Day and the next Parent-Teacher Conference Day. She's as well-behaved as those other doggies.

I won't be back to the house until after 6:00 tomorrow...just like to day. Except I don't get to go in super late. I have a meeting that I don't really want to go to. I hate those things. I was supposed to be getting my hair did so I'll be gorgeous this weekend, but I had to reschedule that.

Gotta think of picnic food for this weekend. I'm definitely thinking a bottle of that wine won't go amiss. And maybe the chicken salad in pitas. Some fruit. Hmmmm...

Later Afternoon Update

One of my co-workers was just in my office with her barely-a-year-old. Soooooooooooooooooo sweet! She mentioned that the baby really liked Mardi Gras beads but she only had two strings. Conveniently, I have a whole bag of them in my office, so down they came and collected a few. She thanked me for "tackying up" her child.

I've got most of the plan for this weekend done. I'm getting excited about my friends coming to visit. Tonight I'll be putting clothing away. Tomorrow night will be cleaning up doggie hair.

Very Early Afternoon Update

I feel like hell. Wish I could be home curled up with a heating pad and some good drugs. Seriously thought I was going to faint when the doctor was pulling my IUD out. And thought I was going to faint again when I sat up. And when I stood up after he left the room. It took him forever to get it out, and each pull was incredible pain. I don't know exactly how to describe it so people understand. When he finally got it out, I gasped and jerked. His comment, "Sorry. Your body just didn't want to let go of it." No shit sherlock. Three hours later, still having some spasms.

I don't really know how I feel about having it gone. He showed it to me afterwards. It looked like it did when it went in.

All the test results came back good, so that is a relief. Not that I didn't expect they would. It's just good to know it for myself.

Morning Update

Yesterday was a decent day. I'm hoping that today is a decent day too. Doggie and I went for a walk this morning, and now I need to get myself together so I can get to the doctor's office. Feverous about that. Should probably take some Advil now. Not that it's going to help a lot but the thought makes me feel better.

There has been a family murdered here in town. Mother supposedly stabbed the two daughters (young...I heard them say one was 8) and then killed herself. Her husband died 3 years ago, and according to friends, she hasn't been the same. There are lots of things in this world that I don't understand. That's one of them. I suppose when you're in the middle of it, you can't see anything else. I'm fortunate that my bouts with depression aren't ever that bad. As distraught as I get, as close to the edge as I walk some times, I manage to at least keep a toehold.

October 6, 2008

Late Evening Update

It was a good day here. My sessions went well this morning, and I think the department meeting was nicely done...even though I left my $33 paid of post-it note chart paper at the house and had to redo those sheets when I got to work. It was really nice to feel competent and capable. Of course, then I saw my emails and all of that went right down the freakin' drain. I'm going to bask in the wonderfulness that was today, though.

Walked the doggie when I got to the house. I really, really didn't want to go, but we really, really need to be going. Especially since I don't think that we'll get to go tomorrow night. It's supposed to rain tomorrow night, and since I'm at work until 6...won't be home until 7 or so...it'll be pretty late to go to the park. Might just walk in the neighborhood if it's not raining.

Cleaned the bathrooms. So disgusting. Other people's saliva freaks me out; other people's piss is even worse (the base of the toilets was gag-inducing). It's done, though. Gotta say...this place has some shoddy construction. The ceramic tile in the bathroom downstairs wasn't laid entirely right, and in the bathroom upstairs, the plumbing coming out of the wall for the toilet isn't a nice, clean hole. Icky.

Tomorrow and the next couple of days, I'll work on organizing my space again. It's amazing how quickly it gets away from you. My real problem is the dog hair and the putting away of laundry. Which reminds me, must do some more laundry.

I had sliced pears, brie, and proscuitto for dinner tonight. I was going to open the bottle of riesling I picked up at Trader Joes, but since I forgot to put it in the fridge, it wasn't cold enough. I imagine that I'll do that tomorrow. I'm legal to drink again, so that might could work. If the doctor doesn't give me another round of pills tomorrow when I go in for all of my test results and to have my IUD removed.

Have to say that I'm really a little nervous about getting that done. As much as it hurt going in, I can't imagine that it will be comfortable coming out. I'm also nervous about not having a form of birth control that I am in control of. This little infection, though, which is due to the IUD, kinda freaks me out a bit. So. Out it will come. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway, since in order to get pregnant you have to have sex.

I don't have to be at work until 11 tomorrow. Doctor's appointment at 9:15. I can sleep in until 8. Although. I might get up around 6:30 and take the pooch for a walk so that's out of the way early. Probably the good plan, huh?

I don't know how much people believe in "metaphysical" stuff. I don't know how much I believe in it. I do check my horoscope most days, and I have a meditation type thing emailed to me. My thoughts for tomorrow, according to this meditation, should revolve around the fact that while there is great confusion in my life, I am adaptable and alert. While I am not sure who or what to trust, I should remain secure in my knowledge of myself and what I need to survive this period of tumult. I'm not sure I believe that. I haven't known for a long time who or what to trust or believe in. I don't know that I can picture that getting better. Maybe there will be some thunderbolt come out of the sky to make everything clear because right now I don't understand...and that's perhaps the worst part.

I learned today that unofficially, on days when there are not children in the building, people bring their dogs to work. That means that Cob could have been in my office on her little doggie bed the entire day. I'm so taking her to work with me next time we have a Gold Day (said doggie is snoring like a freight train...literally...on her doggie bed as I type). I'm going to find the box with the doggie sweaters in it before next weekend when I head out to go camping. I don't want her to be cold like she was last year.

Even though I don't have to go to work early, I think it's probably time for me to go to bed. Y'all be good.

Early Morning Update

Yesterday's I-don't-know-what-mish-mash-of-stuff.

I'm not sleeping well. Typically, I don't think I move around a lot when I slept. Maybe flip from one side to the other. I could be wrong about that; I haven't slept with someone else in a long time so no one has mentioned such to me in quite awhile, but I think pretty usually, I'm a "stable" sleeper. Lately, though, I must be doing a whole helluva lot of tossing and turning. I wake up each morning and the sheet and blanket are a twisted mess in the middle of the bed. I don't remember what my dreams are, so I don't know if it's about that.

I need to get myself going. Work beckons. Pretty sure I have what I want to do planned out, and we'll be OK.

October 5, 2008

Later Evening Update

It was only about 5 minutes at Kinkos. Amazing that I can spend that much money in so little time. I probaly should have just gotten up early tomorrow morning and gone to work and done it, but there's no guarantee that I would be able to make the copies at work. So. It's done. Dammit.

The pair of sunglasses that I stole from the boy hit the ground and one of the lenses popped out. I got it back in, but it's not right. I suppose that's appropriate.

Still feel like I'm going to throw up. I should have stopped for a Sprite when I was out, but I forgot. I don't have any Pepto in the house either. *sigh* Perhaps I should just puke and get it over with. (and for those wondering...no. I didn't take my pill and have a cocktail. No booze for me today. One more pill to take. Cocktails all around tomorrow night)

Late Evening Update

I need to go to Kinkos and make copies of an article I'd like to use tomorrow for my presentation during the morning. I think I've got it nailed down to what I want to do. That's a good thing since I have to do it tomorrow morning whether I've got it figured out or not.

The doggie and I went for a rather long walk. It didn't help me feel any better. I took some pictures of whatever that structure was on the creek back in the woods. Even laid down in the dirt on my tummy to hang off the edge to get a picture of the innards of it.

Approaching...some kinda domed cavern thingie

The wall supporting the walkway

The interior of the larger part (this is what I hung over the edge to take a pic of)

Interior from a different angle. The sides are curved, as is the ceiling.

Feel like I'm going to puke. Off to Kinkos and probably off to bed.

 

Afternoon Update

Went to St. James yesterday.

It's a pretty crappy afternoon here. I need to put my shoes on and take the doggie for a walk, and then I need to come home and concentrate on the presentation that I have to give tomorrow morning...and the other presentation I have to give tomorrow afternoon. It's hard to focus, though, because I'm one of those people who have a difficult time putting my life in neat little boxes. Everything bleeds over into everything else.

I was cleaning up my myspace page this afternoon and came across an old blog entry. Two actually. I deleted all the other ones, but I left those two up to remind me to let it go.

I'm considering taking the site off-line for awhile. Maybe only leave the teaching stuff up so people can get to it through searches, but remove the rest of the site. I'm pissed off and hurt and in run-away-and-hide mode. Very much of the mindset of cutting people out of my life and isolating. I'm tired of lies and not knowing what to believe or what to trust. I'm tired of feeling like I've done something wrong and not knowing what it was or how to fix it. I'm tired of feeling stupid and foolish and I'm tired of being upset about all of this crap.

I know it's probably a rash decision, which is why I haven't done it yet. But I think I want to.

Early Morning Update

Someone was in the house while I was at the movie. Since the alarm was reset, I'm guessing it was someone who was supposed to be here. A light was on that I didn't leave on, and the desktop computer is on, with the chair pulled out...which wasn't like that when I left.

So. I'm a little freaked out.

The movie was good. I wish I'd paid attention to the fact that it had Rene Zellwegger in it. I really don't like her.

I've said several times that Coach seems to know exactly when I need to talk to someone. We've had a long conversation this evening. I was actually on the phone with him when I got to the house and talked me through that. From there, though, we kinda got to the heavy stuff. It's interesting, I think, that he keeps telling me that he wants me and loves me, but he's known about and sorta walked me though the relationships I've been in since then. I know he's jealous because I can hear that coming through, but he's usually pretty astute about what's going on, giving me some perspective.

Tonight, though, it was not good for us on either end. He was talking and trying to make me feel better because he knows what my pattern is, but he had no idea that all of the things he said, applied to him. And when I pointed it out, the conversation was over. It's a hard thing to hear, and it's a hard thing to say.

I'm feeling pretty self-destructive this evening. I'm not going to go into the darkest of those thoughts. I'm going to go to bed, and everything is to be better in the morning.

October 4, 2008

Later Evening Update

Just read this article about weight loss...and that the goal shouldn't necessarily be weight loss but health. I suppose that makes a bit of sense. While I would like to lose weight, I'm much more interested in making sure that my blood pressure isn't through the roof. When I was at the bookstore this afternoon, I almost bought Julia Cameron's The Writing Diet. As I thumbed through it, though, I realized that it doesn't offer me anything new. I know all of that stuff. It's just a matter of doing it. I have to remember to drink water, to lay off the alcohol (not drinking tonight), and to move. I think the diet is coming along nicely so I'm not worried about that part of it (tabouleh, hummus, feta, and mini pitas for dinner tonight).

Think I'm going to go to the movies tonight. Appaloosa. That means I need to get myself dressed and out the door.

In the meantime, I bought a memoir to read tonight. Guess that's not going to happen. *sigh*

Early Evening Update

Yesterday's trip to Indy.

Just about had a damn heart-attack. I'm sitting downstairs in the basement, and I hear the door alert go off, meaning that someone has opened a door in the house. Yeah, it's one of Toni's friends. I have no clue why she wouldn't think it was appropriate to ring the doorbell or knock when you can obviously see a car in the driveway. This is twice now that if I'd had a gun, someone would be dead. The first time it could have easily been solved by, "Hey, we're home". This time all it would have taken is, "My friend might stop by while we're gone."

Went to St. James. There were tons of people, but I don't know if I saw over 750 booths. We wandered past a whole bunch of them, that's true. And I picked up presents for my Sner and my MS Mom. Other than that, though, there wasn't a whole lot that interested me. When they say that it's an "art show"...it's an "ART show". Lots of very expensive photographs and paintings and ceramics and pottery. Some jewelry that was interesting, but not interesting enough.

I took a couple of pictures, but since I had my hands full, they weren't all that good. I'm going to need to go back to it when all of the booths and people aren't there and spend some time wandering through that neighborhood just taking some snapshots.

For lunch, I had a pork chop sandwich. It's literally a thick cut pork chop (bone included), on a cheap hamburger bun. Pretty yummy but trying to eat around that bone was a little difficult. It would have been better with some mustard or some bbq sauce, but as it was, it wasn't bad at all.

Had some interesting discussions with my colleague. She and her husband have been married less than a year. It's her first marriage, and she is knocking on 40. It's not going well. He's battling an addiction, although he won't admit it's an addiction. So. She's going to lose on that one no matter how it shakes out. I feel for her because you can tell that she wants to make it work. As she said, I didn't wait all this time to throw it away in less than a year.

October 3, 2008

Evening Update

Yesterday's musings.

I was gonna go to the First Friday Trolley hop, but I didn't get back into Louisville until almost 8. I think it ends around 10? By the time I'd gotten to the house, let the doggie out and fed her, and then made it back down town, it probably would have been too late. Plus, I am a little tired. So, it's gonna have to get shelved until next month. It's on my list of things that I am going to do in this city.

I got a late start this morning, but once I ws underway, all was well. Made my way to Indianapolis and did my shopping. $90 at Trader Joe's. Five bottles of wine, a bottle of beer, coffee, cheeses, pasta, doggie treats, ceral bars, tabouleh, and other stuff. If I hadn't had such a late lunch at On The Border, I would have made myself a little appetizer-type dinner with pitas, feta, olives, radishes, tabouleh, hummus. (I'm on that kick right now. I don't know why. It just is) But I had a really late lunch, and I'm thinking dinner might just wind up being some sliced pears and brie.

After Trader Joes, I made my way to TJ Maxx. Picked up two blouses to go with the pairs of black or gray slacks that I have. Somehow I wound up with a bunch of stuff that goes with my brown slacks but not much for the darker. Found a clock that I fell in love with, but it was $80. And I don't have anywhere to put it (big wall clock). When I ever have a place I'd like to decorate, I think that I'd like to do a "clock wall"...like how people do mirror walls? All different kinds of wall clocks hanging there. Maybe all set at different times.

Also made a stop at Borders. It's teacher appreciation weekend...25% off everything. Picked up Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones because it's one that I've heard mentioned a lot and some postcards. I've been sending postcards lately. Got a couple of cute ones, but I don't know who I'll send them to now.

Indiana is fields of corn and wheat. It makes me think of the place I grew up. Not nearly as hilly, but it's a very similar landscape. I longed a little for that place as I was riving, but I've been gone for so long...it's not a place that holds much sway over me. If GrandSner weren't there...and if I didn't want to see Cari at least once a year (seems to be the only time I get to talk to her)...I wouldn't ever be pulled there, I don't think.

As an aside, I just found this recipe, and I think I want to give it a try. After I eat up the groceries that are currently here. Or...I might make it for my friends that are coming up this coming weekend.

Speaking of which...two of my friends are going to be here the weekend of the 10th. One is coming from north Indiana, and the other is coming from Hattiesburg. They're going to do the Race for the Cure with me on Saturday, and I can't tell you how much it means to me that they're doing that. I'm not exactly sure what we'll do, but I will figure something out. I know first on the list is finding a bar. I've been to two bars since I've been here and one wasn't really a bar. It was a restaurant. Maybe we can go do some scary Halloween type stuff on Saturday night. Hmmmmmm...

Since they're coming, I'm going to clean the bathroom upstairs tomorrow. There's been toilet paper stuck to the floor since before I moved in (since it was there when I moved in), and I while I've cringed every time I've seen it I haven't cleaned it up because I didn't make the mess. I don't want someone else to see that, though. So. It'll be cleaned.

It's an exciting Friday night here. I'm doing laundry so that it's done and no one else has to wait on the washer when they need it.

Tomorrow I'm going with a friend to the art festival. I know I've said that before. It'll be good to be out with people. I have to figure out how to get to where I'm supposed to park. Hmmmmm....need to get up early.

 

October 2, 2008

Evening Update

Yesterday was the first day of a brand new month. I hope it's better than the last two weeks.

Today is my Friday. I don't have to go to work tomorrow because I already have a ton of staff development hours. I think I've pretty much decided that I'm going to go to Indianapolis since I'm free. There's a Trader Joes there. I think I'm going to put the cooler in the trunk and make a pilgrimage. I'm sure there will other interesting things for me to do once I'm there. I can't stay very long because the doggie will be needing a walk, but that's OK because I don't need to be gone forever. Just get myself some Two Buck Chuck and come on back to the house.

There are a couple of guys at work who are flirting. For the last couple of weeks, one of them and I have been talking about camping. Today he asked me when I was next going, and we talked about it a little. Then I got an email from him.

Now I've said many times that I'm oblivious, and I often don't see these things coming. But when I got that email, the little alarm bells went off in my head. I get the feeling that he's going to be inviting himself on my next camping trip. Which is OK. He can invite himself, but that doesn't mean I'm going to say he can come (I wouldn't be comfortable with that). Seems like a nice enough guy, but I'm not interested.

The Vice Presidential debate is on, and I think that Palin is doing well. It's interesting that she's handling this, but she can't get an interview right. What the hell is about that? How in her 3 days of debate prep has she managed to get herself together but in five weeks, she couldn't get herself half-way coherent in an interview? I don't understand.

I took my antibiotic early in the day so I could drink this evening, but I'm just a little afraid of taking a sip. I've mixed up the cocktail and taken the first swallow. So far, not bad at all. But we'll see.

I bought myself flowers today. Since no one else does it. They're a breast cancer bouquet. Kroger had a special where you buy two bags of Dove chocolate (dark chocolate please) or M & M's (total price of about $6-7), and you get the bouquet of flowers for free. I couldn't find the box with my vases, so I put them in one of my Nalgene bottles. A little redneck, yes. But it gets the job done. Not bad for a little bit of sunshine in my life.

Just had an hour long conversation with a friend. I actually got a few words in edgewise and amidst the bullshit, we actually had some deep conversation about things like kids and relationships and how to handle people.

Just found a neat little tool with my website management. I can block IP addresses. I've actually been thinking about that lately.

So last night and today I had a couple of realizations that weren't all that pleasant. I have these brief moments of clarity when everything totally makes sense and the clouds disappear for a minute. And today walking down from the third floor, the sun came out so to speak (it wasn't a good thing).

I'm not going to get into a whole bunch about my past because I don't really want to go into it now because that's not what this is about. But suffice today, most of my life I've been fighting this battle...trying to be invisible and trying to be seen. At the same time. I think I've gotten much better about the invisible part, although there are still problems here, but the whole being invisible thing still hurts. I don't want to live in the shadows. I want to be seen and valued and appreciated because I haven't always been.

I feel invisible. Like I'm not valued. There are other things that I'm feeling but the core of it is that I don't feel recognized...and for me, that's the worst kind of rejection. I have a hard time knowing when people are being honest with me, and this makes it worse. How do you ever know how to trust someone?

October 1, 2008

Evening Update

I'm tired. Before 10 this morning, I logged 4 miles in the building. Running from one of it to the other and from the basement (oddly called the "garden level", which is actually a flight and a half of stairs) to the third floor. In a pair of heels. It was slightly over 5 miles by the time the day ended (I was stuck in a room the last part of the day). Then I took my doggie for a walk when I got to the house because she needed to be out. That was another 2.5 miles. All of these miles at school are killing me. I mean they're good for me, but they're killing my feet because for some stupid reason, I forget that I could be walking that much. Which means that I'm not wearing shoes that are appropriate for hiking. I'm considering taking myself for a pedicure on Friday. At the good place. Because my feet are killing me.

I suppose this is all good practice. We have open enrollment and at the beginning of the year, there's an incentive program where you can get all sorts of prizes and goodies based on how much you walk. Sign me up. I'm so totally taking all the booty.

Tomorrow is my Friday, and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to that. Tomorrow is also the vice presidential debate, which means drinking games. Except I'm not supposed to drink. I'm thinking that I'm going to take my antibiotic really early in the day and hopefully that means no icky reaction.

I could use a drink today. It is hurtful to me to know about some things and know that while there's time for those things, there wasn't and isn't time for me. OK. I get it. I really do. I fucking get it.

There's a guy in my life right now who is pretty misogynistic. He seems to think that if he just stomps enough, then I'm going to go under. I doesn't know where I've been, and who has schooled me. He doesn't understand that I know how to play this game too, and he doesn't know who's on my side in this game.

It's the first day of October. There are three months left in the year. Fall is in the air, and it's coming on. The days keep coming, and I've got to figure out where I'm going and what I'm going to do, who gets to come with me and who is getting left behind.

When I was walking at the park this afternoon, I saw just about the cutest thing ever. Cob and I were winding down when we got passed by a father-son duo. So cute! They were jogging, with the Daddy going slow enough for the small fuzz to keep up. They quit when the small fuzz was tired, but they didn't just stop. The little boy said, "We're doing intervals today Dad. Time to slow down. We'll pick up in a minute."

So they walked for a couple of minutes and then started jogging again, stopping when they got to the interval station. Dad was doing pushups, and the small fuzz was too. Except it was more like he was doing squats and pushing against the bar. Too cute!!! I would have taken more (and better pictures), but I was afraid they would think I was some sort of perverted stalker or something. These are the pics I did get. They're not very good, but it gives you an idea of what it was like.

I keep thinking that if I ever find someone to love me (or he finds me) and have children with, that's the kind of dad he'll be. He won't be wrapped up in his cards or sports or music like Coach is. He'll be out with his children, building those bonds and memories and moments. I don't know that will ever happen, but when I think about him, I like to think that's what he's going to be.

Coming down the hallway today, an 8th grader tried to give me a hug. I could tell by the way he was looking at my chest that he was going to try to cop a feel. I'm smart, though, and managed to deflect him with the side hug. It was funny.

 

 

Last Updated November 1, 2008

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