November 2010

November 30, 2010

November 22, 2010

November 21, 2010

November 18, 2010

November 15, 2010

November 4, 2010

November 2, 2010

Evening Update

Eight more days. I have eight more days until I go home. Graduation is coming. I'm starting to get really excited about it. I need to check facebook and see who all has said that they are coming. I think there will probably only be about 20 people at the party, but that's OK. The important people will be there.

Dropped my dress with a seamstress yesterday. $20 to put a couple of darts in the breast. I've always maintained that the Sner or GrandSner could easily make money as a seamstress or tailor. People will pay for that because they have no idea how to do it. I mean, I have an idea, but my foremothers did not see fit to teach to me how to do those things. I have a couple of shirts here that I'm going to try playing around with it. A couple of shirts I don't care about. So if I can make it work with them, then I can save myself $20 each time I need to take in a shirt. (that's my cue to drag out the sewing machine this weekend because I have a pair of pants that need stitching and a sweater too.

I'm finally excited about the fact that I have a Ph.D. For the longest time I was just so tired and relieved. When people would ask me if I was excited about it, I would tell them that I was just relieved. That was the honest truth. I was relieved. That it was over. That I was finally done. But now I'm excited. i still owe USM $600, but I'm excited. Gonna have to come up with that so I can get a raise. That would be nice. A raise. It won't be much. An extra $100/month, but every little bit helps.

It's been an awful couple of days at work. It's going to continue to be awful. We're under the gun. It's a lot of pressure, and it really does make me wish that I was back in the classroom. Yes there would be pressure...the department meeting that we had tonight after proves the pressure, but at the same time, i can handle that kind of pressure. Tell me what to do and I'll do it. Or not. But my students will have decent test scores. I know that. Don't give me bullshit about needing to prep kids for the test because they've never seen it. Kids know how to take a test. They've been doing it forever, and you can't tell me that elementary schools aren't feeling the same pressures that we are in the middle school.

Matt and I were talking last night a little bit about my coming home. I'm going to be leaving Louisville and making my way to MS where the economy is shit and the education system is in peril. I may not find a job, although I'm not worrying about that. I'm not going to let myself worry about that right now. The job that I find will certainly be at a very reduced rate of pay. I could stay here. Where I have a good job. Matt could get a job here making more than he does in Hattiesburg. But as I've learned the hard way the last two and a half years, money isn't everything. There's something to be said for family and connection and people that care about you. Which isn't to say that I don't have that here. I do have it here, but the problem is that I don't want it here; I want it THERE.

I want a Christmas tree, too.

Evening Update

The past is coming back to haunt me tonight. I keep thinking that I'm free of it, that if I don't think about it, it won't be there to disrupt the sense of quiet that I've managed to find for myself. If only, if only, if only.

I've chosen the path. I am on the path. I cannot look back.

I'm going home to Missouri tomorrow night. I've got my bag packed and the laundry is done. The ironing has been completeld, and I'm ready for Monday morning because I know I'll get home late on Sunday night. I won't want to deal with wondering what to wear on Monday morning. So it's taken care of now. I'm sure that as always I've packed way too much, but I'd rather be over prepared than not ready. Which reminds me, I need to buy a button for my brown jacket. And remember to pack my hat. Trying to decide if I'm going to wear the Clark's or my Sketchers. I'm only taking one pair of shoes. Except for my tennis shoes because I'm doing that 5K on Thanksgiving.

There's so much more to say, but it's probably in everybody's best interest for me to go to bed.

Goodnight y'all.

Evening Update

I slept a lot this weekend. I was up late both Friday and Saturday nights...doing nothing really...but I was up late. I think it was 3 before I went to bed last night. Just wastn't ready to sleep. Also wasn't ready to eat. Very odd.

I did a whole bunch of shopping on Saturday. I was looking for a dress for graduation and I didn't find anything that was better than what I already had. So. I bought accessories to go with it...although I have to take the earrings back. One of the little rhinestones is missing from one of them so it has to go back. I've done a little bit of googling this evening, and I've found a couple of people that I'm going to call about alterations. The dress I bought needs to be taken in just a bit. And I have a couple of shirts that need to be taken in, although I think one of them I can do myself. So I'm going to give it a shot. Although not until next week. But I'm going to call those other places on Monday. See what they have to say.

I'm starting to get excited about graduation...and the fact that I'm almost done. I'm still worried on some level that it's still going to fall apart. I figure, though, that if they haven't said it by now, it's not going to get said. And that's fine with me. I'm putting the official announcements in the mail this week. Invitations to the party went in the mail last week. I think I started to get excited when I was addressing them.

Matt's relatives were in town this weekend. Aunts, uncles, cousins from Texas and California. I really wish I could have been there. Some of them he hadn't seen in 10 years. Who knows when I'll have the chance to meet them. Although I suppose that a wedding would make a great excuse to get everyone together. I could have gone home this weekend, but it would have been a terribly fast trip (not getting in until late, late Friday) and then having to come back today. then leaving again Tuesday for Missouri. Ugh. It would have been too much. And I have to drive because of the doggie. She doesn't do well with being kennelled so she has to go with me. That means driving.

Crap. I was going to go to bed early tonight, and here it is almost midnight. WTH? More tomorrow. Sorry.

Evening Update

Today was my evaluation observation. Not everything went as well as I would have liked it to go, but overall, I thought it was a very effective lesson. The things that didn't go as well as I would have hoped wound up being OK in the end. My principal was impressed, and I think that my kids are the ones who get the kudos for that success. I think on the way to school in the morning, I'll stop and get them donuts to say thanks. They really did do an amazing job...and they worked very hard.

I've been glad to be back in the classroom this year, even though it makes it incredibly difficult to do the rest of my job. It's shown me after that disasterous experience in Mississippi that I can do this. The kids in my class aren't always the easiest to deal with, but I can do this with them. We can do this together. They, even on their worst days, have enough faith in me to make this thing called education work. They think I'm smart enough to take them where they need to go, which makes me think that I can take them where they need to go.

Now if only I had the faith in myself to stand up to others and say, THIS is what these guys need to do. We need to harness the full potential of what is available to them. Not just putz around because we're afraid of the technology and aren't sure exactly where to go next with it. I'm going to work on that. Because these guys are worth it.

I don't know what my future holds. I think there are wonderful things in store for me. I think that there's a place for me that fits exactly the way it's supposed to. A home and a family and all of those things that I never thought I would want...and a job that is rewarding and a joy. That's what I'm putting out there into the universe. That's what I want. That's what I'm going to have.

In other news, the Christmas list is growing. It's ready for you to peruse.

Evening Update

There are a million and one things that I need to be doing right this minute, but none of them that I really want to dive into. So. I'm screwing around right this minute, and that's OK with me for now.

I'm hoping now that all of the dissertation crap is done, I'll have more time to be here. Some times I wonder if keeping this site going is worth it. I would have to continue to register the domain and pay for some sort of hosting, though, if I wanted to keep my email address, wouldn't I? I've had this site forever...which means I've had my email address forever...and I can't quite imagine getting rid of it. I suppose in the grand scheme of thing, that's not a whole lot of money that I'm dedicating to this so what the hell. I'd really like to get an updated copy of Dreamweaver, but I don't want to spend the $500 for it. Hell, I NEED an updated copy of Microsoft Office, but I'm not willing to pay the $80 it would cost me as a student/educator.

I need to do some work with updating my photos here. It's been a long while since I've done that. Maybe some time this week I'll get around to it.

As I said, the dissertation crap is now done. All of the edits have been taken care of. All of the copies have been printed (except mine). It's on its way back to USM with Brandy. She will drop it off to them tomorrow and all will be well in that world. Except for the $600 that I still owe USM. Need to get that taken care of. *sigh* It was an enormous pain in the ass editing my document. A friend fortunately spent about four hours of her time making sure that my page numbers were right. Apparently it's a chore. Page breaks and section breaks and all sorts of other types of things that sounded like Greek to me. I'm glad she was willing to take that on. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her help.

It took a good three hours last night to get everything ordered and together so that Brandy can drop it off today. I still don't have a large enough rubber band to go around everything, but I suppose that's OK. It's in a box. If that's not good enough for them, I'm thinking they might need to kiss something. Just sayin'...

In other news, Brandy was here the last five days or so. She was on a "Fall Foliage Tour" which brought her to me from Iowa. We had a good time. I made excellent food choices (except for the service at the place yesterday, which reminds me...I need to make a describe my experience to the management. It wasn't all that great). We did fun things. She met a friend from here, and was soundly terrified. So all in all it was a good weekend.

We did a cave tour with Tina yesterday. It has made me realize that before I leave this place, I *have* to get to Mammoth Cave. It's right there and I've not been yet. What's with that? Not that I particularly like caves but the fact that it is right there is something. And I should see it. So I will.

To go in another completely different direction (not that I ever do that at all), there's a new social media site coming online today. It's called Path, I believe. It posits that your network...the people you know the best and that you would want to share your life with...should be about 50 people. And at Path, you can only have 50 connections. You don't friend anyone. You just check in with the folks that are around you. I don't think that my friend list is overwhelming (sitting around 230), but this past week has shown me that perhaps it needs to be a bit smaller than it is. The problem becomes, though, some people even if they irritate you aren't ones that you really want to unfriend. Or if you think about it aren't ones that you should unfriend. Particularly if you're going to have to deal with them. Interact with them. You don't want them to see your stuff? There's a way to do that. You don't want to see their stuff? There's a way to do that too. I have many different lists of friends on Facebook. Some that get to see everything; others that get to see virtually nothing because while I need to maintain a relationship with them for a myriad of reasons (professional, familial, even personal), they don't need to be privy to my life on that scale. People frequently move between and among lists because I realize that some times when I get angry or annoyed I don't make the best decisions. I suppose not everyone thinks about such things, though, consequences be damned. It's like Cindy says every now and again, in order to reflect, you have to be just a little bit shiny to start.

Had a distressing afternoon at work. Teachers had an assessment they had to get to me. Four teachers...three of whom I really, really like...didn't get the assessment to me. That information then had to go to their administrators. Because there are consequences. This due date wasn't arbitrary and it wasn't mine. It was a due date set by the district. There were plenty of reminders. And those assessments not being in comes back to me. Which means I'm the one who gets held accountable. As much as I like those teachers, I'm not taking the fall for them. I'm not covering for them. Today reminded me once again that I don't have what it takes to be an administrator. I don't want to deal with shit like that on a regular basis.

Most of the stuff I have to deal with on a regular basis is not what I want to deal with. I'm ready to do something else. Seriously. Maybe there will be a chance to make use of this new degree I've earned. or maybe I'll just be a classroom teacher, which is fine with me. I understand that there's a level of bureaucracy and crap that teachers have to go through, but...I've got layer upon layer of bureaucracy and I make the same that a classroom teacher does. I'm not sure that it's worth it. You know?

Thanksgiving is next week, and I'm going to go home to Missouri. I'm hoping for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. *fingers crossed* It'll be good to be home. I can't wait to see Cari and the girls. There's some stress in their lives, and while I can't fix it, it doesn't feel good to not be able to offer some kind of support. I wish I was there. And I wish I was there to visit with GrandSner more often. I think that being in the nursing home is getting to her, although I know that she understands she couldn't be any where else. However, it would be nice to be able to be with her more often. I don't often remember to call, but I'd go by. Which reminds me...gotta call her tomorrow.

I was recently telling Matt's sister-in-law that being away from friends and family never gets easier and in some ways it gets much harder. You build this whole new life for yourself--a new identity in some ways--but being away never gets easier. It's hard for me to believe that I've been away from home over six years now. Amber's pregnant and due very, very soon. I've missed all of that. When Shan was going through her mother-in-law's death, I wasn't there for her. It's one thing to make phone calls and to send emails. It's another to be right there with them as they are hurting so. There's a comfort to proximity. And there are moments when you're celebrating or hurting, new friends can provide incredible support. But there's something to having those people who have known you the best there to be with you. Holding your hand. Or not even touching you or talking to you but being there with you.

I've found that the older I've gotten...or maybe the longer I've been doing this on my own...the more important those relationships and connections are to me. There's a saying about women as they age and the importance of those friendships. It is. I have friends here. I have called on them when I've needed them. They've celebrated with me. We've had really good times. I've had a good time. But it doesn't change that I wish those other people were here with me. I miss things like going to the movies with my Sner on Christmas day. I'm sad that people like Cari, Amber, my family will miss sharing my graduation with me. Those are the trade-offs I've made for the life I've chosen. And that's OK. It doesn't make it easier, though.

Too much thinking for me tonight.

Brandy and I had massages and manicures while she was here. I feel like I could already use another massage! Actually I really want a facial. I have a card for a lady who will come to your home and give you a massage. She works with a friend's husband. $50 for an hour. Then you could just let them out and lay down in your own bed. It would be like getting a massage from Nate!! I think I could afford that every couple of months. There would be some other sacrifices made, but it would be worth it, I believe.

Which reminds me...it's time to put together my Christmas list. *grin* I've got several items to put on it.

Evening Update

Got my dissertation back from the graduate reader. It's like death by papercuts. There are literally at least 100 little yellow flags. Each one on a different page. Each page with multiple corrections. Then I have to figure out how to get it into one Word document with page numbers done correctly and in the right spots. I don't know how that is going to work.

Linked Wonders

Wonderful Images

Wonderous Writing

Teaching Wonders

Wonderful Cooking

Daily Wonderings

November 2010

November 30, 2010

Evening Update

Eight more days. I have eight more days until I go home. Graduation is coming. I'm starting to get really excited about it. I need to check facebook and see who all has said that they are coming. I think there will probably only be about 20 people at the party, but that's OK. The important people will be there.

Dropped my dress with a seamstress yesterday. $20 to put a couple of darts in the breast. I've always maintained that the Sner or GrandSner could easily make money as a seamstress or tailor. People will pay for that because they have no idea how to do it. I mean, I have an idea, but my foremothers did not see fit to teach to me how to do those things. I have a couple of shirts here that I'm going to try playing around with it. A couple of shirts I don't care about. So if I can make it work with them, then I can save myself $20 each time I need to take in a shirt. (that's my cue to drag out the sewing machine this weekend because I have a pair of pants that need stitching and a sweater too.

I'm finally excited about the fact that I have a Ph.D. For the longest time I was just so tired and relieved. When people would ask me if I was excited about it, I would tell them that I was just relieved. That was the honest truth. I was relieved. That it was over. That I was finally done. But now I'm excited. i still owe USM $600, but I'm excited. Gonna have to come up with that so I can get a raise. That would be nice. A raise. It won't be much. An extra $100/month, but every little bit helps.

It's been an awful couple of days at work. It's going to continue to be awful. We're under the gun. It's a lot of pressure, and it really does make me wish that I was back in the classroom. Yes there would be pressure...the department meeting that we had tonight after proves the pressure, but at the same time, i can handle that kind of pressure. Tell me what to do and I'll do it. Or not. But my students will have decent test scores. I know that. Don't give me bullshit about needing to prep kids for the test because they've never seen it. Kids know how to take a test. They've been doing it forever, and you can't tell me that elementary schools aren't feeling the same pressures that we are in the middle school.

Matt and I were talking last night a little bit about my coming home. I'm going to be leaving Louisville and making my way to MS where the economy is shit and the education system is in peril. I may not find a job, although I'm not worrying about that. I'm not going to let myself worry about that right now. The job that I find will certainly be at a very reduced rate of pay. I could stay here. Where I have a good job. Matt could get a job here making more than he does in Hattiesburg. But as I've learned the hard way the last two and a half years, money isn't everything. There's something to be said for family and connection and people that care about you. Which isn't to say that I don't have that here. I do have it here, but the problem is that I don't want it here; I want it THERE.

I want a Christmas tree, too.

November 22, 2010

Evening Update

The past is coming back to haunt me tonight. I keep thinking that I'm free of it, that if I don't think about it, it won't be there to disrupt the sense of quiet that I've managed to find for myself. If only, if only, if only.

I've chosen the path. I am on the path. I cannot look back.

I'm going home to Missouri tomorrow night. I've got my bag packed and the laundry is done. The ironing has been completeld, and I'm ready for Monday morning because I know I'll get home late on Sunday night. I won't want to deal with wondering what to wear on Monday morning. So it's taken care of now. I'm sure that as always I've packed way too much, but I'd rather be over prepared than not ready. Which reminds me, I need to buy a button for my brown jacket. And remember to pack my hat. Trying to decide if I'm going to wear the Clark's or my Sketchers. I'm only taking one pair of shoes. Except for my tennis shoes because I'm doing that 5K on Thanksgiving.

There's so much more to say, but it's probably in everybody's best interest for me to go to bed.

Goodnight y'all.

November 21, 2010

Evening Update

I slept a lot this weekend. I was up late both Friday and Saturday nights...doing nothing really...but I was up late. I think it was 3 before I went to bed last night. Just wastn't ready to sleep. Also wasn't ready to eat. Very odd.

I did a whole bunch of shopping on Saturday. I was looking for a dress for graduation and I didn't find anything that was better than what I already had. So. I bought accessories to go with it...although I have to take the earrings back. One of the little rhinestones is missing from one of them so it has to go back. I've done a little bit of googling this evening, and I've found a couple of people that I'm going to call about alterations. The dress I bought needs to be taken in just a bit. And I have a couple of shirts that need to be taken in, although I think one of them I can do myself. So I'm going to give it a shot. Although not until next week. But I'm going to call those other places on Monday. See what they have to say.

I'm starting to get excited about graduation...and the fact that I'm almost done. I'm still worried on some level that it's still going to fall apart. I figure, though, that if they haven't said it by now, it's not going to get said. And that's fine with me. I'm putting the official announcements in the mail this week. Invitations to the party went in the mail last week. I think I started to get excited when I was addressing them.

Matt's relatives were in town this weekend. Aunts, uncles, cousins from Texas and California. I really wish I could have been there. Some of them he hadn't seen in 10 years. Who knows when I'll have the chance to meet them. Although I suppose that a wedding would make a great excuse to get everyone together. I could have gone home this weekend, but it would have been a terribly fast trip (not getting in until late, late Friday) and then having to come back today. then leaving again Tuesday for Missouri. Ugh. It would have been too much. And I have to drive because of the doggie. She doesn't do well with being kennelled so she has to go with me. That means driving.

Crap. I was going to go to bed early tonight, and here it is almost midnight. WTH? More tomorrow. Sorry.

November 18, 2010

Evening Update

Today was my evaluation observation. Not everything went as well as I would have liked it to go, but overall, I thought it was a very effective lesson. The things that didn't go as well as I would have hoped wound up being OK in the end. My principal was impressed, and I think that my kids are the ones who get the kudos for that success. I think on the way to school in the morning, I'll stop and get them donuts to say thanks. They really did do an amazing job...and they worked very hard.

I've been glad to be back in the classroom this year, even though it makes it incredibly difficult to do the rest of my job. It's shown me after that disasterous experience in Mississippi that I can do this. The kids in my class aren't always the easiest to deal with, but I can do this with them. We can do this together. They, even on their worst days, have enough faith in me to make this thing called education work. They think I'm smart enough to take them where they need to go, which makes me think that I can take them where they need to go.

Now if only I had the faith in myself to stand up to others and say, THIS is what these guys need to do. We need to harness the full potential of what is available to them. Not just putz around because we're afraid of the technology and aren't sure exactly where to go next with it. I'm going to work on that. Because these guys are worth it.

I don't know what my future holds. I think there are wonderful things in store for me. I think that there's a place for me that fits exactly the way it's supposed to. A home and a family and all of those things that I never thought I would want...and a job that is rewarding and a joy. That's what I'm putting out there into the universe. That's what I want. That's what I'm going to have.

In other news, the Christmas list is growing. It's ready for you to peruse.

November 15, 2010

Evening Update

There are a million and one things that I need to be doing right this minute, but none of them that I really want to dive into. So. I'm screwing around right this minute, and that's OK with me for now.

I'm hoping now that all of the dissertation crap is done, I'll have more time to be here. Some times I wonder if keeping this site going is worth it. I would have to continue to register the domain and pay for some sort of hosting, though, if I wanted to keep my email address, wouldn't I? I've had this site forever...which means I've had my email address forever...and I can't quite imagine getting rid of it. I suppose in the grand scheme of thing, that's not a whole lot of money that I'm dedicating to this so what the hell. I'd really like to get an updated copy of Dreamweaver, but I don't want to spend the $500 for it. Hell, I NEED an updated copy of Microsoft Office, but I'm not willing to pay the $80 it would cost me as a student/educator.

I need to do some work with updating my photos here. It's been a long while since I've done that. Maybe some time this week I'll get around to it.

As I said, the dissertation crap is now done. All of the edits have been taken care of. All of the copies have been printed (except mine). It's on its way back to USM with Brandy. She will drop it off to them tomorrow and all will be well in that world. Except for the $600 that I still owe USM. Need to get that taken care of. *sigh* It was an enormous pain in the ass editing my document. A friend fortunately spent about four hours of her time making sure that my page numbers were right. Apparently it's a chore. Page breaks and section breaks and all sorts of other types of things that sounded like Greek to me. I'm glad she was willing to take that on. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her help.

It took a good three hours last night to get everything ordered and together so that Brandy can drop it off today. I still don't have a large enough rubber band to go around everything, but I suppose that's OK. It's in a box. If that's not good enough for them, I'm thinking they might need to kiss something. Just sayin'...

In other news, Brandy was here the last five days or so. She was on a "Fall Foliage Tour" which brought her to me from Iowa. We had a good time. I made excellent food choices (except for the service at the place yesterday, which reminds me...I need to make a describe my experience to the management. It wasn't all that great). We did fun things. She met a friend from here, and was soundly terrified. So all in all it was a good weekend.

We did a cave tour with Tina yesterday. It has made me realize that before I leave this place, I *have* to get to Mammoth Cave. It's right there and I've not been yet. What's with that? Not that I particularly like caves but the fact that it is right there is something. And I should see it. So I will.

To go in another completely different direction (not that I ever do that at all), there's a new social media site coming online today. It's called Path, I believe. It posits that your network...the people you know the best and that you would want to share your life with...should be about 50 people. And at Path, you can only have 50 connections. You don't friend anyone. You just check in with the folks that are around you. I don't think that my friend list is overwhelming (sitting around 230), but this past week has shown me that perhaps it needs to be a bit smaller than it is. The problem becomes, though, some people even if they irritate you aren't ones that you really want to unfriend. Or if you think about it aren't ones that you should unfriend. Particularly if you're going to have to deal with them. Interact with them. You don't want them to see your stuff? There's a way to do that. You don't want to see their stuff? There's a way to do that too. I have many different lists of friends on Facebook. Some that get to see everything; others that get to see virtually nothing because while I need to maintain a relationship with them for a myriad of reasons (professional, familial, even personal), they don't need to be privy to my life on that scale. People frequently move between and among lists because I realize that some times when I get angry or annoyed I don't make the best decisions. I suppose not everyone thinks about such things, though, consequences be damned. It's like Cindy says every now and again, in order to reflect, you have to be just a little bit shiny to start.

Had a distressing afternoon at work. Teachers had an assessment they had to get to me. Four teachers...three of whom I really, really like...didn't get the assessment to me. That information then had to go to their administrators. Because there are consequences. This due date wasn't arbitrary and it wasn't mine. It was a due date set by the district. There were plenty of reminders. And those assessments not being in comes back to me. Which means I'm the one who gets held accountable. As much as I like those teachers, I'm not taking the fall for them. I'm not covering for them. Today reminded me once again that I don't have what it takes to be an administrator. I don't want to deal with shit like that on a regular basis.

Most of the stuff I have to deal with on a regular basis is not what I want to deal with. I'm ready to do something else. Seriously. Maybe there will be a chance to make use of this new degree I've earned. or maybe I'll just be a classroom teacher, which is fine with me. I understand that there's a level of bureaucracy and crap that teachers have to go through, but...I've got layer upon layer of bureaucracy and I make the same that a classroom teacher does. I'm not sure that it's worth it. You know?

Thanksgiving is next week, and I'm going to go home to Missouri. I'm hoping for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. *fingers crossed* It'll be good to be home. I can't wait to see Cari and the girls. There's some stress in their lives, and while I can't fix it, it doesn't feel good to not be able to offer some kind of support. I wish I was there. And I wish I was there to visit with GrandSner more often. I think that being in the nursing home is getting to her, although I know that she understands she couldn't be any where else. However, it would be nice to be able to be with her more often. I don't often remember to call, but I'd go by. Which reminds me...gotta call her tomorrow.

I was recently telling Matt's sister-in-law that being away from friends and family never gets easier and in some ways it gets much harder. You build this whole new life for yourself--a new identity in some ways--but being away never gets easier. It's hard for me to believe that I've been away from home over six years now. Amber's pregnant and due very, very soon. I've missed all of that. When Shan was going through her mother-in-law's death, I wasn't there for her. It's one thing to make phone calls and to send emails. It's another to be right there with them as they are hurting so. There's a comfort to proximity. And there are moments when you're celebrating or hurting, new friends can provide incredible support. But there's something to having those people who have known you the best there to be with you. Holding your hand. Or not even touching you or talking to you but being there with you.

I've found that the older I've gotten...or maybe the longer I've been doing this on my own...the more important those relationships and connections are to me. There's a saying about women as they age and the importance of those friendships. It is. I have friends here. I have called on them when I've needed them. They've celebrated with me. We've had really good times. I've had a good time. But it doesn't change that I wish those other people were here with me. I miss things like going to the movies with my Sner on Christmas day. I'm sad that people like Cari, Amber, my family will miss sharing my graduation with me. Those are the trade-offs I've made for the life I've chosen. And that's OK. It doesn't make it easier, though.

Too much thinking for me tonight.

Brandy and I had massages and manicures while she was here. I feel like I could already use another massage! Actually I really want a facial. I have a card for a lady who will come to your home and give you a massage. She works with a friend's husband. $50 for an hour. Then you could just let them out and lay down in your own bed. It would be like getting a massage from Nate!! I think I could afford that every couple of months. There would be some other sacrifices made, but it would be worth it, I believe.

Which reminds me...it's time to put together my Christmas list. *grin* I've got several items to put on it.

November 4, 2010

Evening Update

Got my dissertation back from the graduate reader. It's like death by papercuts. There are literally at least 100 little yellow flags. Each one on a different page. Each page with multiple corrections. Then I have to figure out how to get it into one Word document with page numbers done correctly and in the right spots. I don't know how that is going to work.

November 2, 2010

Evening Update

Wow. So much to say. So much to talk about.

I suppose that the biggest thing is that I successfully defended my dissertation. That means that I am now, by tradition, Dr. Alex. It won't be official until graduation, and I'm still nervous. I'm terrified that they'll find some reason between now and then to take it away from me.

I'm relieved. I suppose that's the emotion I feel. Relief. I'm not excited. I'm not proud. I'm just relieved. People keep talking about how hard I've worked and what an accomplishment this is. The truth is, though, that while the last year has been a pain in the ass and a lot of work, the whole thing hasn't been a lot of work. School has always been easy for me. My coursework and my comps were easy. That wasn't work. Writing my dissertation was work. But it was work because I procrastinated...which doesn't mean it had to be hard work.

I don't know how to explain it so it makes sense. It's just relief at being done...and perhaps a little sadness that I'm finished being a student. I like school. School makes me feel successful because it's something I'm good at...even if it isn't a subject I'm familiar with. Like statistics. It's a sickness, I know, but there's a PhD in educational statistics, research, assessment, and evaluation at USM. I don't want to write another dissertation, but I would like to take those classes. They're important, and I think it's a growing area in education (which means an opportunity to make money). And writing classes. I want to take writing classes. But I'm supposed to be done with school.

One of the things I've always worried about is what I would do with myself when I was done. When I'm no longer a student, who am I?

People at work are calling me Dr. Alex, which makes me a little uncomfortable. I always said that I didn't want to be called Dr. Alex....that I would put the letters after my name (because you can only do one). Seems less pretentious. I don't know, though. I'm not sure that there's a way around it. People will call you what they want.

The election results are rolling in. This is what I think: I think like the Democrats in 2006 and 2008, the Republicans won't get it. Listening to the Republicans and their supporters leads me to believe that they don't get it. They still think that the media elected Obama. They believe that people didn't make an informed decision, and while that might be true of some, some people really were fed up and were voting for a change or to send a message. I'll buy that's what people are doing now. That's the only way I can explain the fact that Rand Paul won Kentucky and that people like Angle in NV are serious contenders.

The hell of all of it is, though, that what the Republicans are feeling tonight is what the Dems felt. No one sees the parallels. No one gets it. The same things come out of supporters' mouths and there's absolutely no recognition that we're all hamsters running on the same wheel.

Idiots.

I've started exercising again. Now that I'm no longer a doctoral student, I've decided that it's time. Plus in the near future I want to have a child. I don't want to be a fat pregnant woman which brings such a host of problems. I'm doing the C25K program again, and I've decided that I'm going to do the elliptical on the days that I don't run. Which was today. I'm also going to be starting the South Beach Diet on the advice of my doctor. This evening I spent some time working on chopping vegetables, cooking breakfast casseroles, and putting together salads. As near as I can figure out the South Beach Diet is all about lots of green things, lots of low-fat diary products, and lots of protein. I can probably do that.

I need to stretch before bed. More tomorrow. Maybe.

Last Updated December 3, 2010

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Evening Update

Wow. So much to say. So much to talk about.

I suppose that the biggest thing is that I successfully defended my dissertation. That means that I am now, by tradition, Dr. Alex. It won't be official until graduation, and I'm still nervous. I'm terrified that they'll find some reason between now and then to take it away from me.

I'm relieved. I suppose that's the emotion I feel. Relief. I'm not excited. I'm not proud. I'm just relieved. People keep talking about how hard I've worked and what an accomplishment this is. The truth is, though, that while the last year has been a pain in the ass and a lot of work, the whole thing hasn't been a lot of work. School has always been easy for me. My coursework and my comps were easy. That wasn't work. Writing my dissertation was work. But it was work because I procrastinated...which doesn't mean it had to be hard work.

I don't know how to explain it so it makes sense. It's just relief at being done...and perhaps a little sadness that I'm finished being a student. I like school. School makes me feel successful because it's something I'm good at...even if it isn't a subject I'm familiar with. Like statistics. It's a sickness, I know, but there's a PhD in educational statistics, research, assessment, and evaluation at USM. I don't want to write another dissertation, but I would like to take those classes. They're important, and I think it's a growing area in education (which means an opportunity to make money). And writing classes. I want to take writing classes. But I'm supposed to be done with school.

One of the things I've always worried about is what I would do with myself when I was done. When I'm no longer a student, who am I?

People at work are calling me Dr. Alex, which makes me a little uncomfortable. I always said that I didn't want to be called Dr. Alex....that I would put the letters after my name (because you can only do one). Seems less pretentious. I don't know, though. I'm not sure that there's a way around it. People will call you what they want.

The election results are rolling in. This is what I think: I think like the Democrats in 2006 and 2008, the Republicans won't get it. Listening to the Republicans and their supporters leads me to believe that they don't get it. They still think that the media elected Obama. They believe that people didn't make an informed decision, and while that might be true of some, some people really were fed up and were voting for a change or to send a message. I'll buy that's what people are doing now. That's the only way I can explain the fact that Rand Paul won Kentucky and that people like Angle in NV are serious contenders.

The hell of all of it is, though, that what the Republicans are feeling tonight is what the Dems felt. No one sees the parallels. No one gets it. The same things come out of supporters' mouths and there's absolutely no recognition that we're all hamsters running on the same wheel.

Idiots.

I've started exercising again. Now that I'm no longer a doctoral student, I've decided that it's time. Plus in the near future I want to have a child. I don't want to be a fat pregnant woman which brings such a host of problems. I'm doing the C25K program again, and I've decided that I'm going to do the elliptical on the days that I don't run. Which was today. I'm also going to be starting the South Beach Diet on the advice of my doctor. This evening I spent some time working on chopping vegetables, cooking breakfast casseroles, and putting together salads. As near as I can figure out the South Beach Diet is all about lots of green things, lots of low-fat diary products, and lots of protein. I can probably do that.

I need to stretch before bed. More tomorrow. Maybe.