November 2, 2009

November 30, 2009

Early Evening Update

The Saints are playing, which means that no one is talking to me. So I am free to update here. Yes, I know I should be doing some work. In a few minutes. I promise.

Did everyone have a good Thanksgiving? It was quiet here. I did a Turkey Trot. I've always wanted to do one, but this was the first chance I'd had to actually do it. It was a lot of fun. I should have taken my doggie with me because there were a ton of them there, but I didn't know if she'd be welcomed...and I didn't know if there would be too many people there for her. Recall that she got overwhelmed by all the people at the Louisville Race for the Cure. It turns out that there were maybe 2,000 people there so it would have been manageable for her. I think I'd like to make an activity like that a fixture in my Thanksgiving traditions.

After I raced, I came home and went through the Black Friday sales papers. There wasn't a lot to be found of interest, truly. I had four stores that I wanted to stop by, but even those, I wasn't going to be disappointed if they didn't have what I was looking for. From there it was all about getting the Christmas cards done.

And they are done! It appears that some of them are already beginning to arrive at their destinations. I put them in the mail on Friday and about had a heart attack when I saw how much it cost to mail them, but that's OK because I loved them. I hope that they make folks smile as soon as they get in. I think that the Christmas cards are one of my favorite parts of the season.

Friday, of course, I set off for some Black Friday shopping. I did not get up as early as I had planned, although it didn't really matter. I stood in line at Target for board games (most of you are getting board games for Christmas) for an hour and a half. It really was some cheap entertainment. I should have purchased myself a cheap coffee mug and taken it full of coffee and booze, though. I'm sure that would have been even more entertaining.

Saturday I was out and about shortly so I could get a few things to finish cooking the turkey, and that's what I did on Saturday. I'd "dry brined" the bird, and to be honest, I don't know if I could tell a difference in the turkey. Then again as my friend Mary Beth says, I've never fucked up a turkey. So cooking the turkey has never been a big deal to me. This turkey was moist and flavorful, just like all the others have been. I was going to make potatoes and sweet potatoes and the whole nine, but in the end, all I did was make green beans with bacon and onion, the dressing (sausage, pecans, and cranberries), and the gravy. That's enough for me. With the carcass and what boiled off of it, I made a turkey/sausage/shrimp gumbo yesterday. It's fabulous. I'm going to eat well forever. (it was an 18.5 lb turkey)

So that was the holidays.

Did you all see about the four officers that were executed in Washington state yesterday? I don't understand it. Less than a month ago, another officer in the same area was executed. What in the hell? What is wrong with people? Police officers aren't there to make your lives hell, despite what some people may think. They're there to protect and serve. To mercilessly gun them down, having held no personal grudge against them? What kind of sense does that make? What is wrong with someone that they would do that? It is never easy to lose someone you love, but to have it happen so senselessly, at this particular time of the year, as got to be hellish. I generally say a small exhortation, that the journeys be swift and merciful, that those left behind find some measure of comfort and peace, but when something like this happens, I don't know how that is possible? the police are still looking for the suspect. He is supposedly injured and may in fact be deceased. I hope that he did not die a coward's death. I hope it wasn't a painful, drawn out lying in the dark, alone, waiting for the last strangling breath. I want him caught. I want him brought to trial. I want him to spend the rest of his life in the pits of hell, contemplating the shell of a life he lives, suffering. The way those families will suffer the rest of their lives. That's what I want.

In other news, I've been playing with fire today. *sigh* It's one of those things where you know that what you're dong is something you shouldn't be doing? Yeah...that's what I was doing today. And in both (because if you're going to start a fire, you might was well burn a motherfucker down rather than ignite a tiny flame) cases, as it was happening, I was telling myself, yeah...not such a good idea. But I did it anyway. Because that's the kind of risk-taker I am. The truth is that one of those fires will never catch anymore than what it currently is, and if it were to try, I wouldn't risk what I am building now...and in the other, it's already sputtering, just like I knew it probably would.

Feeling a little bit of my abandonment issues cropping up. Stupid really, but there it is. It will be better. Eventually. One of these days, I'll grow up and I won't be such a ninny. I promise. I swear. One of these days.

November 22, 2009

Early Evening Update

Since about four this afternoon, I've been on the verge of a panic attack. I know exactly what it is, and it is this dissertation. I feel like I can't breathe. I broke down and took a Xanax, but it's not helping.

Here's the truth: I don't know if I can do this, although I lean to not being able to complete it. I've been reading and I keep re-reading. It doesn't make sense to me. I know I need to start writing, but I don't know how or where to begin. I can't begin to comprehend how to do it, and that's been the problem the whole time. I don't know what to do.

Telling me to get starting, telling me to work on it...not helpful. If it were, I would have alraedy done it.

I don't know what to do.

It was a good weekend here. Matt came up to visit with his friend and his girlfriend. They got in around 3:00 Saturday morning, and we spent Saturday touring the bourbon distilleries. We made it to Wild Turkey which was a longer tour but no tasting at the end and then to Four Roses, which was better than Wild Turkey but not as good as Maker's Mark. It was good to be with them. A pretty low-key day, all-in-all. We made our way to Rocky's on the River for dinner, and then decided to come back home to play quarters. It wasn't a wild night by any means because there wasn't much beer in the fridge. It was a good time, though, because Matt bought a quarter's game at the Liquor Emporium. Funny rules and a good time. We should play again on New Years.

Speaking of New Years, Matt will be off, which means that I should have an excuse to wear my cute little black dress. Think I need to get some black tights to wear with it, though. And some cuter shoes. I may just wind up at Gumbo Acres, but that's OK. It's NYE; I can wear a cute dress if I want to. Regardless of what any one else wears.

November 14, 2009

Late Afternoon Update

It's been a gross day. I've slept most of it away, but for the times that I was awake...Ugh.

At 10:15, I was awakened by the jeeter downstairs. I could clearly hear Godsmack playing. "I'm doing the best I ever did..." So. I called the office who told me they could help, call the courtesy office. Called that number, and of course they aren't working on the weekend. They had an emergency number, which I dailed. And while I was waiting for a person to answer, the jeeter, turned the stereo off. I talked to the courtesy officer anyway, and he said he'd be out within the hour to find out was going on. I felt stupid for even wasting the guy's time, but good grief.

So, within an hour, the courtesy officer did come out. When he and I talked, he said the jeeter felt like it must have been his bass. No, not quite. I clearly heard the music. Then he said that my dog barks all day long when I'm not here but he doesn't complain about that...he's a single father, who's wife is serving in Iraq (I call bullshit on that). I told the officer that in my experience, he wasn't getting the whole truth and that with all the screaming at children that happens down there, I'm skeptical. I didn't mention the pot smoke that comes out of that apartment. He gave me the jeeter's phone number and asked if I would be comfortable calling when it was too loud. No, I wouldn't but whatever. The courtesy officer then said that he had to go upstairs and talk to the person who lives above me because they complained too. I was unaware that there was someone living above me. I never hear anyone up there, so to hear that was news to me. I'm glad, though, that someone else complained too.

Sometimes I feel like I'm that cranky neighbor. The problem is that I want to be able to live peacefully. If there are rules, then I want them followed. If I'm walking my garbage out to the dumpster, then don't put yours in the hallway. *sigh* I pay too much money to live in squalor that is not of my own making.

I'm off to the shower so that I can head out with friends tonight. Might be a short night for me as I'm still not feeling 100%. Ugh. Hate that.

November 13, 2009

Evening Update

I'm waiting for this month to get better. My horoscope promised that it was going to be PHENOMENAL. Yeah, not so much. At least not yet. Actually, the horoscope said I'd be spinning plates all month, and I suppose that at least so far, that's true. Today, Friday the 13th, wasn't so bad, but good grief. I'm ready for a break. You know? There's supposed to be improvements in my career...stellar in fact...from now until the end of May. I'm waiting, though. I haven't heard back from an email that I've sent. That makes me worry a bit. I wish I knew who to contact directly, but I don't. I don't know how to send just a cold resume and cover letter. Although I'll do it if it comes down to that. This weekend is supposed to be incredible, but I'm not holding out a lot of hope. The 11th was supposed to be outstanding, but I can't remember what about Wednesday was so fantastic.

OK...I just re-read the horoscope for this month, and it appears that things are supposed to be improving, although still difficult. Hmmmmm. Guess we'll see.

Have I mentioned that I'm broke? Not totally broke, but broker than I want to be. I'm not sure what this is about. I'm making more money than I was this time last year. My spending hasn't been out of bounds. I don't think. The next two weeks will be tight, but at the same time, after these two weeks, if everything goes well and there aren't any unexpected or unremembered expenses, I should be fine.

I'm not going to make it Missouri for Thanksgiving. I just can't afford it. I get paid the day after Thanksgiving, but that doesn't help me get to Missouri in the first place. I need to buy tires, too, so that's problematic. *sigh* I'll be good by Christmas, though. I swear.

It's funny that I always worry about groceries and what I'm going to eat. I suppose that's what happens when you're fluffy; even though you have more than enough fat stores to carry you through a year of starvation or limited food stuffs, you worry about where your next meal will come from. It's not like there's not a pantry full of things that I could eat if I wanted to. I've got the fixings for that spicy black bean soup that I love. Corn bread. All kinds of pasta. There's also tons of stuff in my freezer (like the black beans that I made back in the spring that is dethawing now). I won't starve. I may not like to eat left-overs, but I'm a good grocery shopper. I don't have to worry about that...and I'm forcing myself to eat left-overs.

Although tonight I didn't have left-overs. I had a steak. I'm in serious need of iron. I'm actually a little worried about it. I need to start taking my vitamins again. Losing that much blood every day can't be good for a body. I will say, though, that since I finished the medication Wednesday, I haven't had that same level of anxiety. Although today at work was stressful, I didn't need to take medication to allow me to breathe.

I almost bought a turkey today at the store; I might do it tomorrow. The problem is that I don't really have enough room in the freezer for a turkey that I'm not going to cook immediately. I'm not ready to cook a turkey just yet. For Thanksgiving, yes. I'll cook the turkey. Maybe it will be cheaper the week before. At Valu-Market, where I managed to snag some outstanding ice cream 3 pints for $5 (blueberry pie, moose tracks, and chocolate explosion), there were Best Choice turkeys for $0.65/lb (turkeys less than $10/each).

Am I imagining things when I remember when grocery stores used to offer Thanksgiving turkeys for $0.10-0.25/lb? I swear that I remember that. It irks me a little when I see the prices now. However. It's still a good bargain, and when times are tight, I'm going to take advantage of it. This time, though, I'm going to remember that I have turkey broth in the freezer. I want to try a dry brine, I think. I read about it in the NYT, and it intrigues me. Rub the turkey with salt all over, put turkey in a plastic bag in the fridge for 2 days, cook the turkey. We'll see. (I know people love the fried turkey thing, but I don't care one way or the other. Really. I just like the skin, truth be told. The rest of it? Eh. Remind me to buy some sausage for the stuffing. And some sweet potatoes. And some green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and french fried onions)

I re-read my preproposal for my dissertation tonight. I sounded so smart. I have no idea how I pulled some of that out of my ass. I can't remember having gone through the process of coming up with what I said there. I suppose now I just have to figure out how to expand that. I'm going to worry more about it tomorrow. I have the shopping done, Pappy and the Princess might not be coming. I have time to work.

I don't feel all that good tonight. I've been having these hot flashes for quite awhile, but tonight it actually felt like a fever. I'm stuffy. I'm ready to go to bed. For some reason, though, I'm not quite ready to go to bed. Soon, though.

November 12, 2009

Evening Update

You know how last night I said if someone wanted to think about a Christmas pressie, they might check out a laser printer. I saw some black friday ads (office depot, staples) that had laser printers available for $50-90. Not a bad price...

On that list would also be a lighted magnifying mirror. There was one in the room at the retreat and it made getting a fine line with my liquid eyeliner a breeze.

I'm tired, but I can't go to bed because Grey's is on tonight. I missed it last week. Think I need a pork chop.

November 11, 2009

Evening Update

I really don't feel good right this minute. I've been having awful hot flashes, and my heart feels a bit like it's been racing. I'm a little stressed out right about now, so I'm thinking that the heart...that panic type thing...is a result of that. I took half a Xanax this morning, and it helped. Which reminds me, I should probably take another one. It could also be a side-effect of the meds that I'm on right now, and that also reminds me that I need to take my last one of those.

So the stress. I got an email last week that said that my dissertation deadline had been moved up. Apparently we all got things a little confused and while we thought I had until August 2011, I really only have until August 2010. Which means I have to defend chapters 1-3 by February 22 and the entire thing by June 18. Those dates are workable until you figure that I need everything completed a month before those dates because my committee has to have time to review everything. It's going to be a difficult haul, and I'm not at all sure that I can do it, particularly given that there's talk that my committee may have to be reconfigured, constituting a trip back to the drawing board. It may be that anyway because the group I'm looking to interview only has 8-10 regular members, which my chair isn't happy about, even though those numbers are fine for qualitative research. I'm not going to tell him that now, though. I hoping that by the time we get to that point, he's going to realize that the only thing to do is to let me go forward. He's known the entire time that it was going to be a small sample size. So. It's going to be an extremely tight timeline, and I've got to get to work.

Yes, I know you're thinking right now, well why isn't she working RIGHT NOW? I have worked this evening. I've found all of my files, and I've pulled the boxes of books out of the storage area. I've found binders of work so that tomorrow when I surreptitiously print out articles at work, I can organize them as soon as I get home. (Speaking of that, if you're at all interested in an extremely functional Christmas pressie, I would recommend a laser printer. They're getting awfully cheap and I'm sure there will be deals during Black Friday sales. I could also use an additional external hard-drive. Those will probably be pretty cheap too. Just sayin') I've sent a few emails that will hopefully provide me with some guidance in terms of how to tackle chapter two, which is the one that's going to be the most difficult to get done in time. So. After a long day at work, I've worked, and I'm fried.

Did I mention that I'm not feeling good?

My writing retreat was a bust as far as a writing retreat goes. I couldn't decide if I wanted to write for personal reasons because I felt like this was going to be my last weekend to do that, or if I was going to work on my dissertation. I brought both things with me. It wound up that I mainly visited. There was a couple of things that had sparks for me in terms of personal writing, but there wasn't enough time or space or opportunity take them anywhere. There was a ton of conversation, though. Lots of it was clarifying for me, and I think I know what path I'm supposed to be on now. Or at least I feel much more comfortable with what I'm doing.

The biggest part of that is that I'm heading back to MS this summer. If I can find a job. There was someone this weekend who wasn't all that sure that there would be a job to be found. Something will turn up, I'm sure. One of the things I talked with a couple of people about this weekend is TaTa's concept of "heart homes" and "heart languages". I'm pretty sure that I'm supposed to be in the South. All the things that are wrong with the South, all the things that make me uncomfortable about it. The $20,000-25,000/year pay cut....all of that is outweighed by the good that is there for me. I'm going home.

That was a good part of the weekend. I hung out at the house when I wasn't on the Coast. That was nice. I was indoctrinated into the culture of the Saints fanatic. I even had a Saints jersey on. I'm sure that the Cowboys' legends shed a tear. It was a little uncomfortable for me too, but I do have to say that it was a lot of fun. Can't wait to do it again. At Christmas. *sigh*

It feels a little bit like the whole world is off-kilter right now. The Ft. Hood slaughter, the shootings in Florida. I don't understand those things. I wish I did. I can't even imagine it for myself, but to take innocent people with me? Odd.

Off to do more work.

November 3, 2009

Evening Update

I should be working on getting things packed, but I'm not. I've been stressed since I got home, and that's only going to get worse. It won't be better for about two weeks. *sigh* Stupid really, but there it is.

Got my Tens machine and am using it right now. It hurts a bit, and I think that's OK. I hope that it actually changes something. If not...I'm going to remain grouchy.

I remembered the things I was going to add to my Christmas list. I've updated in case you are so inclined to do a little shopping.

I'm not liking this Provera. You'd think that by this time in my life I would know how to properly protect myself from period mishaps. Nope. Apparently not. And that was with two different kinds of protection in place. I swear my guts are coming out through my vagina (kinda sorry for the graphic image). I didn't know that it was going to start working so soon. The patient information I read said that 3-4 days after finishing the 10 dosing. Yeah not so much. It sucks outloud. Wearing some black pants tomorrow. *sigh*

I watched Frontline's The Medicated Child tonight. I know that there are some kids who need medication. I also know that there are many more kids who are in need of an opportunity to be children. We've robbed kids of their childhood, and we wonder why kids aren't adults...when they're still children. How smart are we again?

I did pack a little. There's still quite a few "big" things that need to be put in my satchel. I'll do that in the morning, though. I have to make sure my new notebook is in the car. I may have brought it in. Can't leave without it if I'm going on a writing retreat.

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November 2009

November 30, 2009

Early Evening Update

The Saints are playing, which means that no one is talking to me. So I am free to update here. Yes, I know I should be doing some work. In a few minutes. I promise.

Did everyone have a good Thanksgiving? It was quiet here. I did a Turkey Trot. I've always wanted to do one, but this was the first chance I'd had to actually do it. It was a lot of fun. I should have taken my doggie with me because there were a ton of them there, but I didn't know if she'd be welcomed...and I didn't know if there would be too many people there for her. Recall that she got overwhelmed by all the people at the Louisville Race for the Cure. It turns out that there were maybe 2,000 people there so it would have been manageable for her. I think I'd like to make an activity like that a fixture in my Thanksgiving traditions.

After I raced, I came home and went through the Black Friday sales papers. There wasn't a lot to be found of interest, truly. I had four stores that I wanted to stop by, but even those, I wasn't going to be disappointed if they didn't have what I was looking for. From there it was all about getting the Christmas cards done.

And they are done! It appears that some of them are already beginning to arrive at their destinations. I put them in the mail on Friday and about had a heart attack when I saw how much it cost to mail them, but that's OK because I loved them. I hope that they make folks smile as soon as they get in. I think that the Christmas cards are one of my favorite parts of the season.

Friday, of course, I set off for some Black Friday shopping. I did not get up as early as I had planned, although it didn't really matter. I stood in line at Target for board games (most of you are getting board games for Christmas) for an hour and a half. It really was some cheap entertainment. I should have purchased myself a cheap coffee mug and taken it full of coffee and booze, though. I'm sure that would have been even more entertaining.

Saturday I was out and about shortly so I could get a few things to finish cooking the turkey, and that's what I did on Saturday. I'd "dry brined" the bird, and to be honest, I don't know if I could tell a difference in the turkey. Then again as my friend Mary Beth says, I've never fucked up a turkey. So cooking the turkey has never been a big deal to me. This turkey was moist and flavorful, just like all the others have been. I was going to make potatoes and sweet potatoes and the whole nine, but in the end, all I did was make green beans with bacon and onion, the dressing (sausage, pecans, and cranberries), and the gravy. That's enough for me. With the carcass and what boiled off of it, I made a turkey/sausage/shrimp gumbo yesterday. It's fabulous. I'm going to eat well forever. (it was an 18.5 lb turkey)

So that was the holidays.

Did you all see about the four officers that were executed in Washington state yesterday? I don't understand it. Less than a month ago, another officer in the same area was executed. What in the hell? What is wrong with people? Police officers aren't there to make your lives hell, despite what some people may think. They're there to protect and serve. To mercilessly gun them down, having held no personal grudge against them? What kind of sense does that make? What is wrong with someone that they would do that? It is never easy to lose someone you love, but to have it happen so senselessly, at this particular time of the year, as got to be hellish. I generally say a small exhortation, that the journeys be swift and merciful, that those left behind find some measure of comfort and peace, but when something like this happens, I don't know how that is possible? the police are still looking for the suspect. He is supposedly injured and may in fact be deceased. I hope that he did not die a coward's death. I hope it wasn't a painful, drawn out lying in the dark, alone, waiting for the last strangling breath. I want him caught. I want him brought to trial. I want him to spend the rest of his life in the pits of hell, contemplating the shell of a life he lives, suffering. The way those families will suffer the rest of their lives. That's what I want.

In other news, I've been playing with fire today. *sigh* It's one of those things where you know that what you're dong is something you shouldn't be doing? Yeah...that's what I was doing today. And in both (because if you're going to start a fire, you might was well burn a motherfucker down rather than ignite a tiny flame) cases, as it was happening, I was telling myself, yeah...not such a good idea. But I did it anyway. Because that's the kind of risk-taker I am. The truth is that one of those fires will never catch anymore than what it currently is, and if it were to try, I wouldn't risk what I am building now...and in the other, it's already sputtering, just like I knew it probably would.

Feeling a little bit of my abandonment issues cropping up. Stupid really, but there it is. It will be better. Eventually. One of these days, I'll grow up and I won't be such a ninny. I promise. I swear. One of these days.

November 22, 2009

Early Evening Update

Since about four this afternoon, I've been on the verge of a panic attack. I know exactly what it is, and it is this dissertation. I feel like I can't breathe. I broke down and took a Xanax, but it's not helping.

Here's the truth: I don't know if I can do this, although I lean to not being able to complete it. I've been reading and I keep re-reading. It doesn't make sense to me. I know I need to start writing, but I don't know how or where to begin. I can't begin to comprehend how to do it, and that's been the problem the whole time. I don't know what to do.

Telling me to get starting, telling me to work on it...not helpful. If it were, I would have alraedy done it.

I don't know what to do.

It was a good weekend here. Matt came up to visit with his friend and his girlfriend. They got in around 3:00 Saturday morning, and we spent Saturday touring the bourbon distilleries. We made it to Wild Turkey which was a longer tour but no tasting at the end and then to Four Roses, which was better than Wild Turkey but not as good as Maker's Mark. It was good to be with them. A pretty low-key day, all-in-all. We made our way to Rocky's on the River for dinner, and then decided to come back home to play quarters. It wasn't a wild night by any means because there wasn't much beer in the fridge. It was a good time, though, because Matt bought a quarter's game at the Liquor Emporium. Funny rules and a good time. We should play again on New Years.

Speaking of New Years, Matt will be off, which means that I should have an excuse to wear my cute little black dress. Think I need to get some black tights to wear with it, though. And some cuter shoes. I may just wind up at Gumbo Acres, but that's OK. It's NYE; I can wear a cute dress if I want to. Regardless of what any one else wears.

November 14, 2009

Late Afternoon Update

It's been a gross day. I've slept most of it away, but for the times that I was awake...Ugh.

At 10:15, I was awakened by the jeeter downstairs. I could clearly hear Godsmack playing. "I'm doing the best I ever did..." So. I called the office who told me they could help, call the courtesy office. Called that number, and of course they aren't working on the weekend. They had an emergency number, which I dailed. And while I was waiting for a person to answer, the jeeter, turned the stereo off. I talked to the courtesy officer anyway, and he said he'd be out within the hour to find out was going on. I felt stupid for even wasting the guy's time, but good grief.

So, within an hour, the courtesy officer did come out. When he and I talked, he said the jeeter felt like it must have been his bass. No, not quite. I clearly heard the music. Then he said that my dog barks all day long when I'm not here but he doesn't complain about that...he's a single father, who's wife is serving in Iraq (I call bullshit on that). I told the officer that in my experience, he wasn't getting the whole truth and that with all the screaming at children that happens down there, I'm skeptical. I didn't mention the pot smoke that comes out of that apartment. He gave me the jeeter's phone number and asked if I would be comfortable calling when it was too loud. No, I wouldn't but whatever. The courtesy officer then said that he had to go upstairs and talk to the person who lives above me because they complained too. I was unaware that there was someone living above me. I never hear anyone up there, so to hear that was news to me. I'm glad, though, that someone else complained too.

Sometimes I feel like I'm that cranky neighbor. The problem is that I want to be able to live peacefully. If there are rules, then I want them followed. If I'm walking my garbage out to the dumpster, then don't put yours in the hallway. *sigh* I pay too much money to live in squalor that is not of my own making.

I'm off to the shower so that I can head out with friends tonight. Might be a short night for me as I'm still not feeling 100%. Ugh. Hate that.

November 13, 2009

Evening Update

I'm waiting for this month to get better. My horoscope promised that it was going to be PHENOMENAL. Yeah, not so much. At least not yet. Actually, the horoscope said I'd be spinning plates all month, and I suppose that at least so far, that's true. Today, Friday the 13th, wasn't so bad, but good grief. I'm ready for a break. You know? There's supposed to be improvements in my career...stellar in fact...from now until the end of May. I'm waiting, though. I haven't heard back from an email that I've sent. That makes me worry a bit. I wish I knew who to contact directly, but I don't. I don't know how to send just a cold resume and cover letter. Although I'll do it if it comes down to that. This weekend is supposed to be incredible, but I'm not holding out a lot of hope. The 11th was supposed to be outstanding, but I can't remember what about Wednesday was so fantastic.

OK...I just re-read the horoscope for this month, and it appears that things are supposed to be improving, although still difficult. Hmmmmm. Guess we'll see.

Have I mentioned that I'm broke? Not totally broke, but broker than I want to be. I'm not sure what this is about. I'm making more money than I was this time last year. My spending hasn't been out of bounds. I don't think. The next two weeks will be tight, but at the same time, after these two weeks, if everything goes well and there aren't any unexpected or unremembered expenses, I should be fine.

I'm not going to make it Missouri for Thanksgiving. I just can't afford it. I get paid the day after Thanksgiving, but that doesn't help me get to Missouri in the first place. I need to buy tires, too, so that's problematic. *sigh* I'll be good by Christmas, though. I swear.

It's funny that I always worry about groceries and what I'm going to eat. I suppose that's what happens when you're fluffy; even though you have more than enough fat stores to carry you through a year of starvation or limited food stuffs, you worry about where your next meal will come from. It's not like there's not a pantry full of things that I could eat if I wanted to. I've got the fixings for that spicy black bean soup that I love. Corn bread. All kinds of pasta. There's also tons of stuff in my freezer (like the black beans that I made back in the spring that is dethawing now). I won't starve. I may not like to eat left-overs, but I'm a good grocery shopper. I don't have to worry about that...and I'm forcing myself to eat left-overs.

Although tonight I didn't have left-overs. I had a steak. I'm in serious need of iron. I'm actually a little worried about it. I need to start taking my vitamins again. Losing that much blood every day can't be good for a body. I will say, though, that since I finished the medication Wednesday, I haven't had that same level of anxiety. Although today at work was stressful, I didn't need to take medication to allow me to breathe.

I almost bought a turkey today at the store; I might do it tomorrow. The problem is that I don't really have enough room in the freezer for a turkey that I'm not going to cook immediately. I'm not ready to cook a turkey just yet. For Thanksgiving, yes. I'll cook the turkey. Maybe it will be cheaper the week before. At Valu-Market, where I managed to snag some outstanding ice cream 3 pints for $5 (blueberry pie, moose tracks, and chocolate explosion), there were Best Choice turkeys for $0.65/lb (turkeys less than $10/each).

Am I imagining things when I remember when grocery stores used to offer Thanksgiving turkeys for $0.10-0.25/lb? I swear that I remember that. It irks me a little when I see the prices now. However. It's still a good bargain, and when times are tight, I'm going to take advantage of it. This time, though, I'm going to remember that I have turkey broth in the freezer. I want to try a dry brine, I think. I read about it in the NYT, and it intrigues me. Rub the turkey with salt all over, put turkey in a plastic bag in the fridge for 2 days, cook the turkey. We'll see. (I know people love the fried turkey thing, but I don't care one way or the other. Really. I just like the skin, truth be told. The rest of it? Eh. Remind me to buy some sausage for the stuffing. And some sweet potatoes. And some green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and french fried onions)

I re-read my preproposal for my dissertation tonight. I sounded so smart. I have no idea how I pulled some of that out of my ass. I can't remember having gone through the process of coming up with what I said there. I suppose now I just have to figure out how to expand that. I'm going to worry more about it tomorrow. I have the shopping done, Pappy and the Princess might not be coming. I have time to work.

I don't feel all that good tonight. I've been having these hot flashes for quite awhile, but tonight it actually felt like a fever. I'm stuffy. I'm ready to go to bed. For some reason, though, I'm not quite ready to go to bed. Soon, though.

November 12, 2009

Evening Update

You know how last night I said if someone wanted to think about a Christmas pressie, they might check out a laser printer. I saw some black friday ads (office depot, staples) that had laser printers available for $50-90. Not a bad price...

On that list would also be a lighted magnifying mirror. There was one in the room at the retreat and it made getting a fine line with my liquid eyeliner a breeze.

I'm tired, but I can't go to bed because Grey's is on tonight. I missed it last week. Think I need a pork chop.

November 11, 2009

Evening Update

I really don't feel good right this minute. I've been having awful hot flashes, and my heart feels a bit like it's been racing. I'm a little stressed out right about now, so I'm thinking that the heart...that panic type thing...is a result of that. I took half a Xanax this morning, and it helped. Which reminds me, I should probably take another one. It could also be a side-effect of the meds that I'm on right now, and that also reminds me that I need to take my last one of those.

So the stress. I got an email last week that said that my dissertation deadline had been moved up. Apparently we all got things a little confused and while we thought I had until August 2011, I really only have until August 2010. Which means I have to defend chapters 1-3 by February 22 and the entire thing by June 18. Those dates are workable until you figure that I need everything completed a month before those dates because my committee has to have time to review everything. It's going to be a difficult haul, and I'm not at all sure that I can do it, particularly given that there's talk that my committee may have to be reconfigured, constituting a trip back to the drawing board. It may be that anyway because the group I'm looking to interview only has 8-10 regular members, which my chair isn't happy about, even though those numbers are fine for qualitative research. I'm not going to tell him that now, though. I hoping that by the time we get to that point, he's going to realize that the only thing to do is to let me go forward. He's known the entire time that it was going to be a small sample size. So. It's going to be an extremely tight timeline, and I've got to get to work.

Yes, I know you're thinking right now, well why isn't she working RIGHT NOW? I have worked this evening. I've found all of my files, and I've pulled the boxes of books out of the storage area. I've found binders of work so that tomorrow when I surreptitiously print out articles at work, I can organize them as soon as I get home. (Speaking of that, if you're at all interested in an extremely functional Christmas pressie, I would recommend a laser printer. They're getting awfully cheap and I'm sure there will be deals during Black Friday sales. I could also use an additional external hard-drive. Those will probably be pretty cheap too. Just sayin') I've sent a few emails that will hopefully provide me with some guidance in terms of how to tackle chapter two, which is the one that's going to be the most difficult to get done in time. So. After a long day at work, I've worked, and I'm fried.

Did I mention that I'm not feeling good?

My writing retreat was a bust as far as a writing retreat goes. I couldn't decide if I wanted to write for personal reasons because I felt like this was going to be my last weekend to do that, or if I was going to work on my dissertation. I brought both things with me. It wound up that I mainly visited. There was a couple of things that had sparks for me in terms of personal writing, but there wasn't enough time or space or opportunity take them anywhere. There was a ton of conversation, though. Lots of it was clarifying for me, and I think I know what path I'm supposed to be on now. Or at least I feel much more comfortable with what I'm doing.

The biggest part of that is that I'm heading back to MS this summer. If I can find a job. There was someone this weekend who wasn't all that sure that there would be a job to be found. Something will turn up, I'm sure. One of the things I talked with a couple of people about this weekend is TaTa's concept of "heart homes" and "heart languages". I'm pretty sure that I'm supposed to be in the South. All the things that are wrong with the South, all the things that make me uncomfortable about it. The $20,000-25,000/year pay cut....all of that is outweighed by the good that is there for me. I'm going home.

That was a good part of the weekend. I hung out at the house when I wasn't on the Coast. That was nice. I was indoctrinated into the culture of the Saints fanatic. I even had a Saints jersey on. I'm sure that the Cowboys' legends shed a tear. It was a little uncomfortable for me too, but I do have to say that it was a lot of fun. Can't wait to do it again. At Christmas. *sigh*

It feels a little bit like the whole world is off-kilter right now. The Ft. Hood slaughter, the shootings in Florida. I don't understand those things. I wish I did. I can't even imagine it for myself, but to take innocent people with me? Odd.

Off to do more work.

November 3, 2009

Evening Update

I should be working on getting things packed, but I'm not. I've been stressed since I got home, and that's only going to get worse. It won't be better for about two weeks. *sigh* Stupid really, but there it is.

Got my Tens machine and am using it right now. It hurts a bit, and I think that's OK. I hope that it actually changes something. If not...I'm going to remain grouchy.

I remembered the things I was going to add to my Christmas list. I've updated in case you are so inclined to do a little shopping.

I'm not liking this Provera. You'd think that by this time in my life I would know how to properly protect myself from period mishaps. Nope. Apparently not. And that was with two different kinds of protection in place. I swear my guts are coming out through my vagina (kinda sorry for the graphic image). I didn't know that it was going to start working so soon. The patient information I read said that 3-4 days after finishing the 10 dosing. Yeah not so much. It sucks outloud. Wearing some black pants tomorrow. *sigh*

I watched Frontline's The Medicated Child tonight. I know that there are some kids who need medication. I also know that there are many more kids who are in need of an opportunity to be children. We've robbed kids of their childhood, and we wonder why kids aren't adults...when they're still children. How smart are we again?

I did pack a little. There's still quite a few "big" things that need to be put in my satchel. I'll do that in the morning, though. I have to make sure my new notebook is in the car. I may have brought it in. Can't leave without it if I'm going on a writing retreat.

November 2, 2009

Evening Update

Another month has fallen off the calendar, and we have precious little time left in this year. Christmas shopping is needing to gear up and I've got to start making arrangements for a Christmas break. There were a couple of things that I needed to add to my Christmas list, but unfortunately right this minute I can't remember exactly what those were. Hmmmmm...I'll do my best to figure it out because I know you're dying to know.

Brandy was here this weekend, and we had such a good time! We were both tired Friday night, so it was slow and an early evening, but that's OK. Didn't dress up for Halloween, but we did enjoy our time watching the fruitcakes on 4th Street. We did head out to the Four Roses distillery and take the tour. Lovely country heading out that direction. A decent tour. Not as good as Makers, but a good tour. We heard that the Buffalo Trace tour was good, but for some stupid reason, they quit giving tours at 2 on Saturday. (I'm amazed by things like that. Like sushi restaurants not being open for lunch...speaking of which, we had sushi for dinner Saturday. Yummilicious)

Sunday we shopped and had a picnic.

It doesn't sound like a lot when you write it down, but it was a good, good weekend. Just what both of us needed, I think. There were lots of conversations. Lots of things to think about. Lots of drinks. Lots of laughs.

Peach and Blackberry made themselves a new friend. Apparently Peach slept on Brandy's belly several times. *sigh* Peachy knew she could get away with that because it was Brandy. She knew better than to try that BS with me. LOL!

I went to the doctor this afternoon to try to figure out what's wrong with me. I have a prescription to take for 10 days, and then we'll see where that goes. I'm a little afraid that it's perimenopause. That would explain the erratic periods and the hot flashes. My clock is ticking, and it's causing me a bit of distress to think that might be what's wrong. Women always think we have time, but the truth is that while we hear stories about women in their 40s having babies, those are the exceptions. For every year past the late 20s, the odds of getting pregnant decrease dramatically. Once you get into your late 30s, the chances that you'll get pregnant are extremely low. So. I hope this is just a problem with stress or thyroid or something. Because if it's not, I'm going to be pretty upset. I don't know how else to say that. Upset.

Have an appointment to see the chiropractor tomorrow. I'm going to get a Tens machine when I'm there. It's the electric stimulation thing. It just costs me my copay, so I suppose that's not bad. I need more than that, though. I think I could use a massage. If someone would like to gift me with one, that would be awesome. As a JCPS employee, there are a couple of massage places here in Louisville that offer me discounts. So. If you're interested, click here.

I guess everything that was gonna be got has been removed from GrandSner's house. The closing was on Saturday, and I suppose that means it was over then. I'm kinda of curious about what was left behind. What things didn't make the cut? What things weren't important enough to take away? What things were left scattered on the floor, pieces of a life left to make some meaning on their own to someone who has no idea where the story begins? In a little while from now will someone have a flash about something and think to themselves, "You know that thing? That thing? It would be perfect right now. Where's that thing? Do you remember where I put that thing?" Will the realization come or will they just shrug their shoulders and move on to the next thing?

Last Updated December 6, 2009

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Evening Update

Another month has fallen off the calendar, and we have precious little time left in this year. Christmas shopping is needing to gear up and I've got to start making arrangements for a Christmas break. There were a couple of things that I needed to add to my Christmas list, but unfortunately right this minute I can't remember exactly what those were. Hmmmmm...I'll do my best to figure it out because I know you're dying to know.

Brandy was here this weekend, and we had such a good time! We were both tired Friday night, so it was slow and an early evening, but that's OK. Didn't dress up for Halloween, but we did enjoy our time watching the fruitcakes on 4th Street. We did head out to the Four Roses distillery and take the tour. Lovely country heading out that direction. A decent tour. Not as good as Makers, but a good tour. We heard that the Buffalo Trace tour was good, but for some stupid reason, they quit giving tours at 2 on Saturday. (I'm amazed by things like that. Like sushi restaurants not being open for lunch...speaking of which, we had sushi for dinner Saturday. Yummilicious)

Sunday we shopped and had a picnic.

It doesn't sound like a lot when you write it down, but it was a good, good weekend. Just what both of us needed, I think. There were lots of conversations. Lots of things to think about. Lots of drinks. Lots of laughs.

Peach and Blackberry made themselves a new friend. Apparently Peach slept on Brandy's belly several times. *sigh* Peachy knew she could get away with that because it was Brandy. She knew better than to try that BS with me. LOL!

I went to the doctor this afternoon to try to figure out what's wrong with me. I have a prescription to take for 10 days, and then we'll see where that goes. I'm a little afraid that it's perimenopause. That would explain the erratic periods and the hot flashes. My clock is ticking, and it's causing me a bit of distress to think that might be what's wrong. Women always think we have time, but the truth is that while we hear stories about women in their 40s having babies, those are the exceptions. For every year past the late 20s, the odds of getting pregnant decrease dramatically. Once you get into your late 30s, the chances that you'll get pregnant are extremely low. So. I hope this is just a problem with stress or thyroid or something. Because if it's not, I'm going to be pretty upset. I don't know how else to say that. Upset.

Have an appointment to see the chiropractor tomorrow. I'm going to get a Tens machine when I'm there. It's the electric stimulation thing. It just costs me my copay, so I suppose that's not bad. I need more than that, though. I think I could use a massage. If someone would like to gift me with one, that would be awesome. As a JCPS employee, there are a couple of massage places here in Louisville that offer me discounts. So. If you're interested, click here.

I guess everything that was gonna be got has been removed from GrandSner's house. The closing was on Saturday, and I suppose that means it was over then. I'm kinda of curious about what was left behind. What things didn't make the cut? What things weren't important enough to take away? What things were left scattered on the floor, pieces of a life left to make some meaning on their own to someone who has no idea where the story begins? In a little while from now will someone have a flash about something and think to themselves, "You know that thing? That thing? It would be perfect right now. Where's that thing? Do you remember where I put that thing?" Will the realization come or will they just shrug their shoulders and move on to the next thing?