May 2010

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May 2010

May 22, 2010

Evening Update

Haven't been the happiest girl for the last couple of days. Feeling a lot stressed about a ton of things, and I've got a ton of things that have to happen in the next week. I need to spend some time at the UofL library searching for articles and making copies of book chapters so I'm ready for my defense. Or actually ready to take all that crap with me camping next weekend so that I can read it while sipping drinks at the lake.

Speaking of sipping drinks at the lake, I'm thinking about heading to a lake tomorrow with the doggie. I've got drinks to sip, and I picked up Cosmo and InStyle. I think there's probably a book around here that I need to read. Should read. Finish reading? Something. Before hell begins.

Have I mentioned how chaotic my life is going to be trying to get this dissertation done? Thank god I won't be at work for much of it. I'm really hoping to get a great deal of the interviews done after the 4th. If I can get them all done and transcribed during the month of July, then I'll be sitting pretty in the month of August. I have to have it done by August 31. Have to.

I camped last weekend with TaTa and the Cabanna Boy. It was a good time. We stayed at a place outside of Columbus because we had intended to run in the Race for the Cure. We didn't quite get to that. And that's OK. We slept and drank and had a good time. It was worth the trip north.

I voted on Tuesday. I, of course, voted on the Democratic ticket, which means I had no hand in the Rand Paul victory. Dumbass. Here's the thing: one person isn't going to make a difference in the Congress. He's going to be like that guy from New Mexico who introduces the same bill repeatedly and doesn't get anywhere with it. The Tea Party movement talks a lot but even with all the anger out there, people aren't really putting their boots on the ground and voting. There were no landslide victories. Other than Rand Paul, no huge victories for the Tea Party. People only care tangentially. If it means they're going to have to do something about it...it's not going to happen.

The oil is finally coming ashore in Louisiana, and they are saying that cleaning the marshes may be impossible. Surprise, surprise, surprise. So much for "they can clean it up in 3 months and the marshes will be better than ever". Dumbasses. This thing will decimate the coast for decades. It's never going to be the same.

May 11, 2010

Evening Update

Still grouchy. A bottle of wine and some pepperoni rolls are doing good work for me. We'll see how it goes tomorrow. I start testing in the morning. I've still got to get the particulars figured out for two more grades. It's taken me two days to get one grade done. Now I have to do two more. Ughh. I actually don't know if I'm going to do sixth grade or not. Since they have Read180 and those kids have been logging in to that program all year long with a particular log-in and user name, I may just leave that alone. We'll see.

My eyeballs are killing me. It feels like my my eyes are going to whip out of my head. All that looking from the computer screen to my print-out and back again has done me in. Ugh. I have to remember to put my advil in my purse tomorrow morning so hopefully I can head some of that pain off before it gets too bad. I don't have a headache. It's just a terrible pain right behind my eyes.

My doggie is passed out on the floor. She was so excited earlier to have her treat ball filled. She batted it around the living room for a good 5-7 minutes before she got all the treats out of it. Getting all those treats out of the ball has exhausted her. Poor baby.

We've been experimenting with letting her off the leash to do her business. If when we go out in the morning, there's no one around to distract her, I let her off the leash. She's very good at coming when I call her. If there's no one else around. I haven't tested it when there is someone else around. I need to remember to take treats out with me so she's immediately rewarded when she comes running to me when I call to her. We used to do this when we lived in Hattiesburg. I'd just let her out and for the most part, she stayed in the front yard to do her thing. There were a few moments when she took off after a cat. Or a squirrel. Or whatever struck her fancy. *sigh* I'm waiting for her to take-off down the hill to the lake. You know she loves the water. I can just see that.

I spent some time this afternoon snuggled up with my Peach kitty this afternoon. She's getting old. Poor baby. She never comes out of the spare room, but she is super loving when I spend time with her. I got her to drooling when I was scratching her shoulders and rubbing her chin. Sometimes I think I should see about giving the kids away. They don't get a lot from me; the dog is the primary pet in this household. But I don't know who I would give her to (Linda of course, but how to get them there?) and they ARE *my* pets. When I got them, I made a commitment to them. That commitment doesn't entail giving them up when they are inconvenient. I mean...the kids are the reason why I live where I do. This apartment isn't the greatest in the world, but other than the pet deposit, they don't care about the kids.

The funniest thing just happened when I took Cob out. Y'all may recall a couple of months ago when the boy was pounding on the door across the way? And he was adamant that he lived there, even though it was a model unit? He was coming down the stairs at the same time that I was just now, and he says to me, "Ma'am, I just wanted to apologize for you. You probably don't remember it, but I was very rude to you. So I just wanted to apologize to you, ma'am." LOL!

May 10, 2010

Evening Update

I'm not in a good mood. At all.

My proposal has been delivered (thank you Brad!), and that is out of my hands. Now the waiting game begins. I suppose that what I could be doing between now and then is filling out my IRB paperwork, re-reading my proposal, writing out answers to the questions that I can expect at the proposal. I don't feel prepared for that at all, but I guess I'm not supposed to feel prepared. I could swear that I've heard before that "by the time you get to a defense, we'll have done everything we can to prepare you", but...I don't feel that at all.

Still grouchy and irritable. But I'm going to go camping this weekend, and that will be fun. I have to find a pressie for someone, and I've got to remind the entourage that we have to be up early on Saturday so we can run. I'm thinking about taking the stuff to make ceviche. I'm enthralled with the idea. I can stop at the Trader Joes in Cincinnati and pick up some frozen shrimp. It will be dethawed by Saturday afternoon/evening and we can be good to go. Whatcha think?

I'm trying to decide what to do for Memorial Day. I could go camping. I probably will go camping. If I leave here right after work, I can get to Green River Lake before most of the first-come, first-serve folks get there. I could take my proposal stuff with me and read that while lounging in the lake with my doggie. If I don't go to Chichi's, I think that's what I'll do. I will prepare for the defense by lounging in the lake. Doesn't that sound like a good plan to you? I think it's an excellent plan.

May 5, 2010

Evening Update

Long day today. I woke up 15 minutes before I was supposed to be out the door. Then it was a morning full of testing.

I feel terrible for those kids. This test that we're doing now doesn't count for anything. It's a norm-referenced test, and much of it is things we haven't taught. Now...we all know that as soon as those results come back, we'll have to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. There's way too much that we have to do as is. And we're going to have to DO SOMETHING. More that is. We are already doing something, but it's not going to be enough.

I agree to a point that we are not doing enough. We have many students who are failed. Not just that they fail course, but children that we do not do nearly enough for. We write them off as lazy or behavior problems. We call them "little shits" and "assholes" out of their earshot and when we're with other teachers. We say things like "if their parents...". Very few of us stop and ask ourselves really what it is that we're doing to those kids, for those kids. Kids that we are currently responsible for, and kids that if we don't do more for now will continue to be our responsibility either in the prison system or on the welfare rolls. We are not doing everything we can for those kids that we write off.

I won't deny that there are some kids who are unreachable. Some students who are defiant and recalcitrant and a terror. However. Those kids are a fraction of the total that we have decided we can't help so we're not going to. I'd say those kids are a maximum of 5%. And that's a very generous maximum. I'd say the real totals are closer to 2%. We blame the kids, though, for our inability to get past our own issues. Our need to be in control, situations that make us feel insecure, kids who are smarter than we are. That's not their fault though. And we shouldn't make them pay for it. We shouldn't make them pay for their parents and the disadvantages they come to us with, but shamefully...we do. That is not fair to them. I would hazard a guess as to say that many of those kids we leave behind are left because of us. Not them.

Forgot to tell you about the spider from this weekend. Derby night, I couldn't sleep so I was up editing my photos from the day. It was hot, so I opened the patio door. After a little while, I noticed one of the bigger spiders I've ever seen crawling across the carpet, coming from the deck. It was probably about the size of a half dollar? Cob sniffed at it, but it kept coming. I got up and grabbed a flip flop thinking that since it had come into the house and ignored the warning provided by the doggie, that it probably deserved to die. When I hit it with the flip flop, I instantly realized how foolish a decision that was.

Yeah, it wasn't huge because it was a huge spider. It was huge because it was carrying around hundreds of tiny babies. It took me a couple of seconds to figure out what I was going to do. It was 3 in the morning, which means it was way too late to go grab the vacuum. I did the only thing that I could think of, which was put both flip flops on my feet. Then I proceeded to slide all over the floor in the living room. I kept putting my face close to the carpet and when I saw something moving, I started sliding again. After about five minutes, I was satisfied that I had gotten as many of them as were going to be gotten. So gross!

(I did not share that story with Shannon. I told Eric when he got up, but I did not tell Shan)

I need to go to bed, but I'm watching a PBS program about Hawaiian ukulele maker Kamaka. Makes me miss Betsy. She was gonna learn how to play. :(

May 3, 2010

Evening Update

How did it get to be almost 9 at night? I suppose it's partly due to the fact that I didn't get home until almost 6. I went to work at 6:45. How many of you work 11 hour days?

I'm tired. It was a long weekend. I spent Thursday night furiously cleaning the house in preparation for Shan, Eric, and Perry's visit. I know that they wouldn't have cared, but I do. Being a single person, I feel like I'm behind. When I look at my apartment, I think to myself, 'it's nothing in comparison to a house and a hot tub and all of those other things.' I don't know if I want those other things, but at my advancing age, I feel like I should have them. There are lots of things that I have that others don't, but when I look at the totality of my life, I wonder. What is it that I'm doing? Where is it that I'm going? I feel a little lost.

At any rate...cleaned, cleaned, cleaned and then headed north to Indianapolis to pick up my guests. Their flight was delayed getting out of Denver so it was delayed getting into the airport by about an hour. I did my good deed while I was waiting.

I'm not sure that all kids need cell phones, but if I were to send a child traveling by him or herself, I'd certainly make sure that they had at least a pre-paid phone with them. Who carries quarters or a calling card any more? Some young girl...couldn't have been older than 14...approached me and asked me if I had change for a dollar. I never, never, never carry cash, let alone loose change. So I told her no, an as she turned away, I asked her if she needed to make a phone call. I'd seen her about 20 minutes earlier and she appeared to be looking for someone. When she said yes, I let her use my phone, which she used to call her mom, who didn't pick up. When Mom called back, the first words out of the girl's mouth were, "Mom? Where ARE you?" Of course I didn't hear the other end of the conversation, but the girl did say several times, "Well just tell dad where I am! Tell him I'm HERE." She seemed worried that they might not come get her.

Once the family finally arrived, we headed south. I wasn't so tired with them in the car, even though most of them slept during various points during the drive. It made for a short night by the time we got home, though. We were up early on Friday to head out for distilleries. Our first stop was Four Roses, and I'm sad to say that it was a disappointing tour. First it was a new person doing the tour, and second, they'd entered their summer shut-down, which means it wasn't a full tour. If I'd known that going in, then we would have gone to Wild Turkey instead. Or Heaven Hill. That would have been a lot less driving. :(

In between Four Roses and Maker's Mark, we stopped at the Lincoln Heritage State Park for a picnic. That was a complete accident. I didn't know that it was on the way. It's really just a golf course, although supposedly there was a lake back off the main road. There were a couple of restored/replica buildings. It wasn't anywhere that Lincoln had lived but rather it was the home of his grandparents? I'd like to go back and explore it, so maybe the next time I head out to Green River Lake to camp, that will be a stop on the way home. (Green River Lake wasn't too far away, but definitely out of our way).

Maker's Mark was, as it was the last time I was there, a good tour. The pregnant woman leading our tour was very knowledgeable, and she provided some info that I hadn't heard when Pooh and I went. Instead of giving us white dog and Maker's, because it's Derby, we were given Maker's and a Mint Julep. Because the Maker's Mark site is so beautiful, we spent a bit of time there after our tour and tasting. Took lots of pictures.

When we got home, we rested and cleaned up a bit and then headed out to Bardstown Road for dinner. We were going to go to Avalon on the recommendation of a friend, but the line was too long and Shannon needed to eat. That's a serious thing. Must feed Shannon when she needs to eat. So we went next door to Bearnos. We could have done that within five miles of the house. LOL! After dinner, we wandered up and down Bardstown. We were further from the Irish pubs than I had anticipated, but I think it was OK. The exercise was good for me, and it was a pretty night.

Friday was a beautiful day in the Bluegrass. The sun was shining, the temperature was PERFECT. Even though we enjoyed the bourbon trail, we really should have gone to Oaks. For the perfect experience of what Churchill Downs can be, Friday at the Oaks would have been it.

Which is not to say that Derby wasn't fantastic because it was. As predicted, next to Shan, I was a bit of a dowd, but that's OK. I'm OK with me. I'm still not comfortable in dresses because of my legs, but please...next time, if a dress makes me look pregnant, TELL ME! I really should have gone with the black dress and taken the turquoise hat back to find one that worked with it. It does not make me look pregnant. (And yes, I know that when you're as chubby as I am, it's hard to not look pregnant. I just forget how big I am)

It was raining on Saturday, which wasn't the best situation for Derby, and there were a couple of tense moments, but all-in-all, it was an incredible time. I felt a bit like country-come-to-town because I was so taken in with the whole thing...I'm sure that in addition to being wide-eyed, there were several instances of being slack-jawed. The dresses and the shoes and the hats as well as the suits! There was so much to see, so much to take in! I'm sure that for folks who have been before and who have experienced it a time or two, it's no big deal, but for me, who never even imagined that I'd be right next to the track at the Famous Churchill Downs, it was an amazing experience. Even in the rain and with a poncho on.

Perry and Eric made some bets, but the one bet I made did not make. *sigh* Not even close. That's OK, though, because I planned to lose that money. I think that's the way you're supposed to think about it. If you can't afford to lose it, then you don't need to be playing with it. Period.

We are now starting to plan next year's Oaks visit. Oaks is cheaper. We can go to or have on our own a fabulous Derby party of our own. Plus Oaks is the "pink-out" in which they partner with Susan G. Komen, with part of the proceeds going to Komen. For Shan and Perry, that's a worthy cause. So. Pooh needs to make sure he's here for that. He doesn't have to wear pink, but we can get him a pink pocket square, a hat with some pink in the band, and a tie with a pink stripe (I have my ways of making that happen *grin*). In fact, he doesn't even really have to wear a coat and tie. A nice polo will work and a hat. He has to have a hat. I'll call in time to get us a hard-hat tour of Buffalo Trace and everything will be fabulous.

All of my pictures are up on my facebook page. I need to save them to my flash drive and use my work computer to create the pages so tomorrow night at home I can format them and then upload them for those of you not on facebook. Or actually I guess that I need to bring my work laptop home. That way I don't have to worry about finding time during the day (which is preciously short) to do it.

It's always hard to let Shan go or to leave her. She and Cari are the people in my life who have known me the longest and whom I feel like know who I really am. They know the truth of my past...the depths of the ugliness that it was at times...and they love me in spite of it. I miss them terribly when they're not near me. I'm not all that happy that I won't be seeing Shan this summer; there's just not time. There's always a very, very long hug before we part ways, and it's almost like we might never see each other again. While the world is small, it can still be difficult to find the time and money to make a trip. Shan is coming for graduation, though; I'll see her again in seven short months.

Speaking of graduation, as I was driving back from Indianapolis last night, I realized that there wasn't much time for me to finish my dissertation. In order to get it done, I'll have July and August to do my interviews, along with the transcription and analysis. If my deadline is October 22, then I need to have the finished product to my chair by mid-September at the latest. That means I've got to buckle down once I get approval for my proposal. It's going to take a couple of weeks to get IRB approval, so that means the clock really starts ticking at the beginning of July. If I can get my interviews done and transcribed in July, then that leaves August for analysis and writing it up. Someone please remind me that I have to stick to that plan. With everything that I've done up until this point and since Christmas really, I can't let a time frame trip me up at this point. I'm starting to get a little excited when I think about "Jennifer L. Alex, Ph.D." because that's what it will be. Not Dr. Alex. I want the letters behind my name.

And I want to be home.

Last Updated May 26, 2010

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May 22, 2010

Evening Update

Haven't been the happiest girl for the last couple of days. Feeling a lot stressed about a ton of things, and I've got a ton of things that have to happen in the next week. I need to spend some time at the UofL library searching for articles and making copies of book chapters so I'm ready for my defense. Or actually ready to take all that crap with me camping next weekend so that I can read it while sipping drinks at the lake.

Speaking of sipping drinks at the lake, I'm thinking about heading to a lake tomorrow with the doggie. I've got drinks to sip, and I picked up Cosmo and InStyle. I think there's probably a book around here that I need to read. Should read. Finish reading? Something. Before hell begins.

Have I mentioned how chaotic my life is going to be trying to get this dissertation done? Thank god I won't be at work for much of it. I'm really hoping to get a great deal of the interviews done after the 4th. If I can get them all done and transcribed during the month of July, then I'll be sitting pretty in the month of August. I have to have it done by August 31. Have to.

I camped last weekend with TaTa and the Cabanna Boy. It was a good time. We stayed at a place outside of Columbus because we had intended to run in the Race for the Cure. We didn't quite get to that. And that's OK. We slept and drank and had a good time. It was worth the trip north.

I voted on Tuesday. I, of course, voted on the Democratic ticket, which means I had no hand in the Rand Paul victory. Dumbass. Here's the thing: one person isn't going to make a difference in the Congress. He's going to be like that guy from New Mexico who introduces the same bill repeatedly and doesn't get anywhere with it. The Tea Party movement talks a lot but even with all the anger out there, people aren't really putting their boots on the ground and voting. There were no landslide victories. Other than Rand Paul, no huge victories for the Tea Party. People only care tangentially. If it means they're going to have to do something about it...it's not going to happen.

The oil is finally coming ashore in Louisiana, and they are saying that cleaning the marshes may be impossible. Surprise, surprise, surprise. So much for "they can clean it up in 3 months and the marshes will be better than ever". Dumbasses. This thing will decimate the coast for decades. It's never going to be the same.

May 11, 2010

Evening Update

Still grouchy. A bottle of wine and some pepperoni rolls are doing good work for me. We'll see how it goes tomorrow. I start testing in the morning. I've still got to get the particulars figured out for two more grades. It's taken me two days to get one grade done. Now I have to do two more. Ughh. I actually don't know if I'm going to do sixth grade or not. Since they have Read180 and those kids have been logging in to that program all year long with a particular log-in and user name, I may just leave that alone. We'll see.

My eyeballs are killing me. It feels like my my eyes are going to whip out of my head. All that looking from the computer screen to my print-out and back again has done me in. Ugh. I have to remember to put my advil in my purse tomorrow morning so hopefully I can head some of that pain off before it gets too bad. I don't have a headache. It's just a terrible pain right behind my eyes.

My doggie is passed out on the floor. She was so excited earlier to have her treat ball filled. She batted it around the living room for a good 5-7 minutes before she got all the treats out of it. Getting all those treats out of the ball has exhausted her. Poor baby.

We've been experimenting with letting her off the leash to do her business. If when we go out in the morning, there's no one around to distract her, I let her off the leash. She's very good at coming when I call her. If there's no one else around. I haven't tested it when there is someone else around. I need to remember to take treats out with me so she's immediately rewarded when she comes running to me when I call to her. We used to do this when we lived in Hattiesburg. I'd just let her out and for the most part, she stayed in the front yard to do her thing. There were a few moments when she took off after a cat. Or a squirrel. Or whatever struck her fancy. *sigh* I'm waiting for her to take-off down the hill to the lake. You know she loves the water. I can just see that.

I spent some time this afternoon snuggled up with my Peach kitty this afternoon. She's getting old. Poor baby. She never comes out of the spare room, but she is super loving when I spend time with her. I got her to drooling when I was scratching her shoulders and rubbing her chin. Sometimes I think I should see about giving the kids away. They don't get a lot from me; the dog is the primary pet in this household. But I don't know who I would give her to (Linda of course, but how to get them there?) and they ARE *my* pets. When I got them, I made a commitment to them. That commitment doesn't entail giving them up when they are inconvenient. I mean...the kids are the reason why I live where I do. This apartment isn't the greatest in the world, but other than the pet deposit, they don't care about the kids.

The funniest thing just happened when I took Cob out. Y'all may recall a couple of months ago when the boy was pounding on the door across the way? And he was adamant that he lived there, even though it was a model unit? He was coming down the stairs at the same time that I was just now, and he says to me, "Ma'am, I just wanted to apologize for you. You probably don't remember it, but I was very rude to you. So I just wanted to apologize to you, ma'am." LOL!

May 10, 2010

Evening Update

I'm not in a good mood. At all.

My proposal has been delivered (thank you Brad!), and that is out of my hands. Now the waiting game begins. I suppose that what I could be doing between now and then is filling out my IRB paperwork, re-reading my proposal, writing out answers to the questions that I can expect at the proposal. I don't feel prepared for that at all, but I guess I'm not supposed to feel prepared. I could swear that I've heard before that "by the time you get to a defense, we'll have done everything we can to prepare you", but...I don't feel that at all.

Still grouchy and irritable. But I'm going to go camping this weekend, and that will be fun. I have to find a pressie for someone, and I've got to remind the entourage that we have to be up early on Saturday so we can run. I'm thinking about taking the stuff to make ceviche. I'm enthralled with the idea. I can stop at the Trader Joes in Cincinnati and pick up some frozen shrimp. It will be dethawed by Saturday afternoon/evening and we can be good to go. Whatcha think?

I'm trying to decide what to do for Memorial Day. I could go camping. I probably will go camping. If I leave here right after work, I can get to Green River Lake before most of the first-come, first-serve folks get there. I could take my proposal stuff with me and read that while lounging in the lake with my doggie. If I don't go to Chichi's, I think that's what I'll do. I will prepare for the defense by lounging in the lake. Doesn't that sound like a good plan to you? I think it's an excellent plan.

May 5, 2010

Evening Update

Long day today. I woke up 15 minutes before I was supposed to be out the door. Then it was a morning full of testing.

I feel terrible for those kids. This test that we're doing now doesn't count for anything. It's a norm-referenced test, and much of it is things we haven't taught. Now...we all know that as soon as those results come back, we'll have to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. There's way too much that we have to do as is. And we're going to have to DO SOMETHING. More that is. We are already doing something, but it's not going to be enough.

I agree to a point that we are not doing enough. We have many students who are failed. Not just that they fail course, but children that we do not do nearly enough for. We write them off as lazy or behavior problems. We call them "little shits" and "assholes" out of their earshot and when we're with other teachers. We say things like "if their parents...". Very few of us stop and ask ourselves really what it is that we're doing to those kids, for those kids. Kids that we are currently responsible for, and kids that if we don't do more for now will continue to be our responsibility either in the prison system or on the welfare rolls. We are not doing everything we can for those kids that we write off.

I won't deny that there are some kids who are unreachable. Some students who are defiant and recalcitrant and a terror. However. Those kids are a fraction of the total that we have decided we can't help so we're not going to. I'd say those kids are a maximum of 5%. And that's a very generous maximum. I'd say the real totals are closer to 2%. We blame the kids, though, for our inability to get past our own issues. Our need to be in control, situations that make us feel insecure, kids who are smarter than we are. That's not their fault though. And we shouldn't make them pay for it. We shouldn't make them pay for their parents and the disadvantages they come to us with, but shamefully...we do. That is not fair to them. I would hazard a guess as to say that many of those kids we leave behind are left because of us. Not them.

Forgot to tell you about the spider from this weekend. Derby night, I couldn't sleep so I was up editing my photos from the day. It was hot, so I opened the patio door. After a little while, I noticed one of the bigger spiders I've ever seen crawling across the carpet, coming from the deck. It was probably about the size of a half dollar? Cob sniffed at it, but it kept coming. I got up and grabbed a flip flop thinking that since it had come into the house and ignored the warning provided by the doggie, that it probably deserved to die. When I hit it with the flip flop, I instantly realized how foolish a decision that was.

Yeah, it wasn't huge because it was a huge spider. It was huge because it was carrying around hundreds of tiny babies. It took me a couple of seconds to figure out what I was going to do. It was 3 in the morning, which means it was way too late to go grab the vacuum. I did the only thing that I could think of, which was put both flip flops on my feet. Then I proceeded to slide all over the floor in the living room. I kept putting my face close to the carpet and when I saw something moving, I started sliding again. After about five minutes, I was satisfied that I had gotten as many of them as were going to be gotten. So gross!

(I did not share that story with Shannon. I told Eric when he got up, but I did not tell Shan)

I need to go to bed, but I'm watching a PBS program about Hawaiian ukulele maker Kamaka. Makes me miss Betsy. She was gonna learn how to play. :(

May 3, 2010

Evening Update

How did it get to be almost 9 at night? I suppose it's partly due to the fact that I didn't get home until almost 6. I went to work at 6:45. How many of you work 11 hour days?

I'm tired. It was a long weekend. I spent Thursday night furiously cleaning the house in preparation for Shan, Eric, and Perry's visit. I know that they wouldn't have cared, but I do. Being a single person, I feel like I'm behind. When I look at my apartment, I think to myself, 'it's nothing in comparison to a house and a hot tub and all of those other things.' I don't know if I want those other things, but at my advancing age, I feel like I should have them. There are lots of things that I have that others don't, but when I look at the totality of my life, I wonder. What is it that I'm doing? Where is it that I'm going? I feel a little lost.

At any rate...cleaned, cleaned, cleaned and then headed north to Indianapolis to pick up my guests. Their flight was delayed getting out of Denver so it was delayed getting into the airport by about an hour. I did my good deed while I was waiting.

I'm not sure that all kids need cell phones, but if I were to send a child traveling by him or herself, I'd certainly make sure that they had at least a pre-paid phone with them. Who carries quarters or a calling card any more? Some young girl...couldn't have been older than 14...approached me and asked me if I had change for a dollar. I never, never, never carry cash, let alone loose change. So I told her no, an as she turned away, I asked her if she needed to make a phone call. I'd seen her about 20 minutes earlier and she appeared to be looking for someone. When she said yes, I let her use my phone, which she used to call her mom, who didn't pick up. When Mom called back, the first words out of the girl's mouth were, "Mom? Where ARE you?" Of course I didn't hear the other end of the conversation, but the girl did say several times, "Well just tell dad where I am! Tell him I'm HERE." She seemed worried that they might not come get her.

Once the family finally arrived, we headed south. I wasn't so tired with them in the car, even though most of them slept during various points during the drive. It made for a short night by the time we got home, though. We were up early on Friday to head out for distilleries. Our first stop was Four Roses, and I'm sad to say that it was a disappointing tour. First it was a new person doing the tour, and second, they'd entered their summer shut-down, which means it wasn't a full tour. If I'd known that going in, then we would have gone to Wild Turkey instead. Or Heaven Hill. That would have been a lot less driving. :(

In between Four Roses and Maker's Mark, we stopped at the Lincoln Heritage State Park for a picnic. That was a complete accident. I didn't know that it was on the way. It's really just a golf course, although supposedly there was a lake back off the main road. There were a couple of restored/replica buildings. It wasn't anywhere that Lincoln had lived but rather it was the home of his grandparents? I'd like to go back and explore it, so maybe the next time I head out to Green River Lake to camp, that will be a stop on the way home. (Green River Lake wasn't too far away, but definitely out of our way).

Maker's Mark was, as it was the last time I was there, a good tour. The pregnant woman leading our tour was very knowledgeable, and she provided some info that I hadn't heard when Pooh and I went. Instead of giving us white dog and Maker's, because it's Derby, we were given Maker's and a Mint Julep. Because the Maker's Mark site is so beautiful, we spent a bit of time there after our tour and tasting. Took lots of pictures.

When we got home, we rested and cleaned up a bit and then headed out to Bardstown Road for dinner. We were going to go to Avalon on the recommendation of a friend, but the line was too long and Shannon needed to eat. That's a serious thing. Must feed Shannon when she needs to eat. So we went next door to Bearnos. We could have done that within five miles of the house. LOL! After dinner, we wandered up and down Bardstown. We were further from the Irish pubs than I had anticipated, but I think it was OK. The exercise was good for me, and it was a pretty night.

Friday was a beautiful day in the Bluegrass. The sun was shining, the temperature was PERFECT. Even though we enjoyed the bourbon trail, we really should have gone to Oaks. For the perfect experience of what Churchill Downs can be, Friday at the Oaks would have been it.

Which is not to say that Derby wasn't fantastic because it was. As predicted, next to Shan, I was a bit of a dowd, but that's OK. I'm OK with me. I'm still not comfortable in dresses because of my legs, but please...next time, if a dress makes me look pregnant, TELL ME! I really should have gone with the black dress and taken the turquoise hat back to find one that worked with it. It does not make me look pregnant. (And yes, I know that when you're as chubby as I am, it's hard to not look pregnant. I just forget how big I am)

It was raining on Saturday, which wasn't the best situation for Derby, and there were a couple of tense moments, but all-in-all, it was an incredible time. I felt a bit like country-come-to-town because I was so taken in with the whole thing...I'm sure that in addition to being wide-eyed, there were several instances of being slack-jawed. The dresses and the shoes and the hats as well as the suits! There was so much to see, so much to take in! I'm sure that for folks who have been before and who have experienced it a time or two, it's no big deal, but for me, who never even imagined that I'd be right next to the track at the Famous Churchill Downs, it was an amazing experience. Even in the rain and with a poncho on.

Perry and Eric made some bets, but the one bet I made did not make. *sigh* Not even close. That's OK, though, because I planned to lose that money. I think that's the way you're supposed to think about it. If you can't afford to lose it, then you don't need to be playing with it. Period.

We are now starting to plan next year's Oaks visit. Oaks is cheaper. We can go to or have on our own a fabulous Derby party of our own. Plus Oaks is the "pink-out" in which they partner with Susan G. Komen, with part of the proceeds going to Komen. For Shan and Perry, that's a worthy cause. So. Pooh needs to make sure he's here for that. He doesn't have to wear pink, but we can get him a pink pocket square, a hat with some pink in the band, and a tie with a pink stripe (I have my ways of making that happen *grin*). In fact, he doesn't even really have to wear a coat and tie. A nice polo will work and a hat. He has to have a hat. I'll call in time to get us a hard-hat tour of Buffalo Trace and everything will be fabulous.

All of my pictures are up on my facebook page. I need to save them to my flash drive and use my work computer to create the pages so tomorrow night at home I can format them and then upload them for those of you not on facebook. Or actually I guess that I need to bring my work laptop home. That way I don't have to worry about finding time during the day (which is preciously short) to do it.

It's always hard to let Shan go or to leave her. She and Cari are the people in my life who have known me the longest and whom I feel like know who I really am. They know the truth of my past...the depths of the ugliness that it was at times...and they love me in spite of it. I miss them terribly when they're not near me. I'm not all that happy that I won't be seeing Shan this summer; there's just not time. There's always a very, very long hug before we part ways, and it's almost like we might never see each other again. While the world is small, it can still be difficult to find the time and money to make a trip. Shan is coming for graduation, though; I'll see her again in seven short months.

Speaking of graduation, as I was driving back from Indianapolis last night, I realized that there wasn't much time for me to finish my dissertation. In order to get it done, I'll have July and August to do my interviews, along with the transcription and analysis. If my deadline is October 22, then I need to have the finished product to my chair by mid-September at the latest. That means I've got to buckle down once I get approval for my proposal. It's going to take a couple of weeks to get IRB approval, so that means the clock really starts ticking at the beginning of July. If I can get my interviews done and transcribed in July, then that leaves August for analysis and writing it up. Someone please remind me that I have to stick to that plan. With everything that I've done up until this point and since Christmas really, I can't let a time frame trip me up at this point. I'm starting to get a little excited when I think about "Jennifer L. Alex, Ph.D." because that's what it will be. Not Dr. Alex. I want the letters behind my name.

And I want to be home.