Daily Wonderings

May 2009

May 30, 2009

Late Evening Update

I feel like I cheated on my husband. Errr...if I had a husband to cheat on. Went and got my tattoo this afternoon. Sad to say that I'm not happy with it. At all. I know that statement may alarm you, but I'm not worried. I know how it needs to be fixed. And when it gets fixed (trying to decide who I'm going to let attempt to fix it), then it will be just fine.

Now before you get upset with me, the guy was recommended. I liked the work that I saw online. The problem is that he apparently doesn't know how to think out of the box. I told him what I wanted. I told him I wanted it to blend and flow with what I already had. The stencils when they went on were fine. Would have been fine. If properly shaded. Now, part of the problem is that he's an old school tattooist. Which means, apparently, bold and blocky color. That's OK, but when you put it next to the subtlety of my dogwood blossoms, it's lacking.

I was having a hard time figuring out what was bothering me so much about my tattoo, and then it hit me...the problem is that the tattoos (and really...instead of one new tattoo, it looks like I have five more little ones) look like they could be dropped on anyone's body. There's little customization. It's like he took the flash on the wall (didn't look at the flash so I don't even know if it was there) and just dropped it on my skin. No flair, no flourish, no nothing. Just bare bones, basic, here it is, there you go.

Which would be fine, as I said, if it weren't up against the beauty of Walt's work.

Now I just have to figure otu if I'm going to go back to him to let him attempt to fix it (not sure I see that happening); if I'm going to slink back to Walt and ask him to make it all work; or if I'm going to find someone completely different to take a stab at it. Gonna think about it a few minutes or so.

In other news, it was a long day. Spent almost $300 at the car place. Did the oil change and knew that I was going to have to have at least a brake bulb replaced and perhaps a blinker bulb done as well (which happened). But. When they took the tires off, they noticed that one had a nail in the shoulder, where of course it couldn't be fixed. But because I had road hazard, the cost of the tire was prorated, although not much really because the tires are old. It just so happens that it was the tire with the most tread left. Then I decided that because the tread on the other tires was low, it might be a good idea to put two new tires on the car rather than just one. They went ahead and prorated that one too, but. *sigh* The two tires that are replaced can probably make it to fall.

Then it was off to get the car cleaned. The guys who did it did such a good job! It only cost me $18, but it was so much better than the job I paid $40 for at Christmas. They worked really hard to make sure that they got all the dog hair up. I'll definitely go back to them. It doesn't hurt that if you buy 9 washes, the 10th is a free super deluxe wash, regardless of what kind you bought to begin with.

After that I went to get my nails done. Not such a happy experience. The guy didn't do a very good job. I like the orangey color, but it's already coming off. So...perhaps I need to go pick up an orangey color and do them again myself. The one thing that I really like about getting pedicures/manicures is that they take care of my cuticles. I can use cuticle remover and pusher sticks, but the best results come from the nippers. I'm not brave enough to try the nippers on my own.

I really wanted sushi for lunch today, but I couldn't find anywhere that was open for lunch on a Saturday. Are you kidding me? At noon I went by a the place by where I get my nails done. At 12:30, I was over by the place that Andrew recommended. By 1:00, I was at the spot where I'd had sushi that one time before. None of them open. WTF? Seriously?

More in the morning. Very tired.

May 29, 2009

Late Evening Update

Only three more days with children. Then six more days at work. I think I'm going to go ahead and work on Thursday, just to make everything easy. Haven't decided if I'll head south Thursday night or if I'll go Friday. I'm leaning towards Friday, but it'll depend on how badly I want to get out of here.

Going to take the car in tomorrow morning and get the oil changed, tires rotated, etc. I hope that I don't need to buy tires tomorrow. I hope it can wait until the next paycheck. Then tomorrow afternoon...I'm going to get a new tattoo. Just a smallish one. I kinda feel like it's a good idea right now. Since I've nowhere left to really pierce, some intense pain...and I think it's really going to hurt...might be just what the doctor might order.

Speaking of painful things, talked to Coach for a little while tonight. It was a good conversation, although I wasn't brave enough to ask him what's wrong with me. We did talk about relationships, though...benefits and problems. What makes a good partner, compromise, making things work. What I actually asked to get the ball rolling (and keep in mind I haven't heard from him in awhile) was when it was OK to settle, what you accept and what you can't. Because as we all know...according to what he told me...he's settled. He's created a very nice life with his settlement, but he knew what he was doing when he did it and it was a very calculated thing. Not that I particularly want to do that. Just that I wanted another perspective because lots of my female friends are all about being adamant about NOT accepting less than what you're looking for.

I don't know which perspective is right, but it is interesting to hear the other side. Coach was pretty adamant about laying all the cards on the table and letting the other person know exactly where they stand so they can then make an informed decision. I wonder if he did that. I wonder if he allowed his wife to make an informed decision. Somehow I think not, but I guess that's beside the point. He said that I deserve happiness. I'm not sure that any of us deserve anything, but I guess it's sweet that he thinks so.

I spent the morning moving books in the storage room. Good lord. One of the APs had students stack a ton of books up to the ceiling. No real rhyme or reason to how things were placed. So. I was standing on top of the shelves, stretching up, moving books, rearranging. In heels. I've got about one-third of the book room organized. When the rest of the books come in from teachers in the coming days, I'll get the rest of it taken care of. I kinda want all the sixth grade stuff together; all the seventh grade stuff together; all the eighth grade stuff together. Not exactly sure I can do that totally, but I'm going to try.

Also had a conversation this morning with the AAL. I'll be moving to a new office. One with a phone so I don't have to carry that stupid walkie-talkie, nor be interrupted by someone in the next room. I was a little perturbed, though, because I wanted to offer a couple of PDs for the staff before school started. That idea was quashed, and I was told that it could be accommodated in "summer camp". Yeah, not so much. Then I was told that she was going to be doing most of our embedded PD. Ummmm....*biting tongue*

I'm really tired tonight for some reason. I've had one cocktail...with dinner...and I feel like I could pass out. Sometime tomorrow, I'm going to be getting a mani/pedi. This evening I was a tad bit worried about money, but I sucked it up and logged into my bank account, which led me to discover that I had a bunch more money than I thought I did. I haven't had a manicure in over 3 months. I think the pedicure was Christmas. I've been saving my money, worried about spending too much. Don't get me wrong, I know generally how much money I have. I know what my check is every two weeks, and I know what my bills are each month. I know which bills get paid out of which checks. And that's what I go off of. Well. I'm off by a bit.

It's funny, when I was with X, I was in charge of money, and I was excellent about making sure that I knew exactly how much money we had at all times. Mostly because I had to. He only put so much money in, and I had to be able to make that work. I suppose that my now refusal to keep exact count of what I have is a rebellion against that. Stupid really because the only person it hurts is me. *sigh*

My phone shipped today. They'll attempt to deliver it Monday. Hopefully they'll leave it at the office so I can pick it up then. Then I can take it to the AT&T store and have them set it up for me since I'm not all that smart when it comes to such things. I try to be, but most of the time I fail miserably.

My doggie is having some sorta dream down there on the floor. I'm not sure what's she's dreaming about, but she's snuffling and growling and barking and whining. Her paws are crossed, ever the lady, my sweet doggie face. Her nose is buried in the sock I wear with my tennies when we go for walks. I love her lots.

The kitten is perched on the back of the chair, sleeping too. She's not dreaming yet, or if she is, she's not nearly as vocal as her little sister. Her ears and whiskers are in motion, though. Wonder what is going on behind that one good eyeball of hers. She comes out to visit much more than her older sister, and she interacts pretty well with her younger sister. I miss her when she's not around. Miss Peach too. Love both of their sweet faces too.

Going to bed. Gotta get up early to take the car in. I love spending my Saturday mornings at the car shop.

May 28, 2009

Early-ish Evening Update

The last two days of my life (excluding today) according to my horoscope were supposed to be gold star, red-letter days. Some of the best days I will have all year...and possibly until 2022.

I suppose it is fitting that they were incredibly shitty days for me, personally.

Some of you may have read some version of this last night before I took it down, but the short version is that this time (yes really this time), I'm done with the boy. This might not be the best time for me to have made this decision with Mercury at a standstill and my period started, but it can't be any worse than the last two years have been for me.

I've only ever really asked one thing of him in over two years, and that is that he not ignore me. We went over it again when I was home for Betsy's funeral. I thought we had it settled...again...and he lasted four days. I can't continue to question myself and wonder what's wrong with me. I can't continue to give of myself to someone who is an asshole, a liar, or both. He says I'm important; he says I matter; he says he cares. And then he does the thing he knows kills me.

When I walked this path with Coach, I heard a lot of "if he's telling you what you want to hear, then it's probably a lie. Pay more attention to his actions than his words." The boy shares some of that past history with Coach. So while the boy talks a pretty game, tells me what I need to hear, his actions tell me very clearly that he doesn't give a damn about me, doesn't care that he's hurting me, doesn't care about what I need.

I have gone about cutting him out of my life. I thought about not doing that because of his abandonment issues (which we've also talked about), but then I realized that it was just going to hurt me more to see evidence of his lies to me. I kinda feel like I need to say to him...*this* is why, to try to make him understand. Call him or send him a note or an email or something, but I don't think it would make a difference. I've told him before, and I get the feeling that it doesn't matter to him anyway. So. There it is.

He probably won't even miss me, and even if he does, I doubt I'll ever know it; Men and their pride and all. It feels like I've been missing him forever.

I am tempted, though, to send a text to Coach. To see if he has any idea what's wrong with me.

I ordered my new phone tonight. I really, really wanted an iphone, but I got the blackberry curve for the $18 upgrade fee. $18 versus $300 plus the $18 upgrade fee. In this economy, I'm pretty sure I made the right choice.

To add to the birthday list...if you want to get me a high capacity SD micro card for it, that would be great. The one I have is pretty small. Also, I could do a subscription to Real Simple magazine. I picked one of those up last weekend when I was camping, and I gotta say, I enjoyed it. Some great recipes in there, as well as some great tips.

Made the appointment to get my hair done next week. I'm looking at going with the darker, brighter red with some highlights and cutting some length. Possibly some longer sideswept bangs. I really am tempted to cut it all off. Think my face is too fat for that, though.

I think I'm going to make a bunch of bracelets to give to colleagues next week. I haven't decided for sure yet. It may just be sweetly written thank you cards. If I had a mixer, I'd bake them something.

Another thing for the list: a mixer...and or stand...but if it's hand, it needs a pretty powerful motor. Making the World Famous Peanut Butter Cookies takes a lot out of a mixer.

I found out today that I only have three extra days I have to work. I did two of them in the fall. I'm hoping that my principal will let me use the 10th, when I have to be at an all day PD, will let me count that. If I don't take the stipend or sign up for credit, then it should count as my 5th day. That means that I could leisurely make my way to Mississippi.

May 27, 2009

Early-ish Evening Update

It was a shitty day. I had a bunch more typed out that was up for an hour or so, but really...it boils down to it was a shitty day. So I'm going to go to bed and leave it at that.

May 26, 2009

Late Evening Update

Well. It was a long day.

Back to this weekend. Being out by myself gives me lots of time to think. Mostly about my life, where I find myself, how I got here, and where I'm going. It's not always a comfortable process.

The campground was filled with families. There were tons of people crowded on to one site. Tents were pitched in spots that weren't actually sites. Large extended families with three generations enjoying their weekend. Grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles and cousins and brothers and sisters. There were a couple of tee-niney babies, like brand new.

I thought again, that's the way I want my family to eventually be. I want to have that connection and traditions.

I was already feeling a bit morose when the girl at the campsite next to me asked me why I was camping alone, didn't I have any friends or family? I smiled at her and said that I'd just recently moved to the area. Inside, though, I was seething. Granted, I pieced together that she was "special"...she was with her parents and all of their interactions were of that parent dealing with difficult, challenged child. It still made me feel like shit, though.

I tell myself that I've been building this independent life, full of interests and things that make me happy and will ultimately make me more attractive to "the one" when he comes along, but I begin to wonder if that's just a lie I tell myself to make myself feel better about the failure to find someone who is willing make me a priority in his life. I know people who are are "significant" relationship number 2...or 3. I know people who were I was a decade ago and who have gone on to happy, healthy relationships. There are people who love them and care about them and support them. I know people who are absolute shits to their partners, but who still have partners.

And I'm camping alone.

Which makes me wonder again...what's wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough? I sometimes think maybe it's because I got fat, but the truth is I wasn't good enough when I was 135 pounds. I know this is my particular issue, but when I think about the men that I haven't been good enough for, there's got to be something seriously wrong with me, some awful flaw that I can't put my finger on because while I accepted them for who they were and not who I wanted them to be, while I loved them despite of their flaws, some of those flaws were pretty awful. And I wasn't enough. Right now I'm not even good enough to have a text message returned (and he wonders what he does to make me cry? Really? Are you that fucking stupid?)

I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to be anything other than what I am, and it's obvious that who I am isn't enough. I'm going to be 33 in a few weeks, and I haven't gotten it together. People who are partnered offer up platitudes about how it'll happen when it happens, but they're not alone. They haven't been alone. They're not the ones who have to face simpletons in their late 20s and stammer through an answer about why they're alone. They try to be helpful...and I get that's the intent...but you now, really? Not so much. If you've not been there, or you've not been there in awhile, it's just words that are actually a little hurtful.

So, approaching my next birthday, that's where I am. Camping alone and not good enough for fuckwits. Alone. With no change on the horizon. Good deal.

The doggie and I went for a walk tonight (in case it really is the fat that's the problem). I thought about swimming, but apparently the pool closes at 7:30? I'll need to ask about that in the next week or so. I need to let them know that I want to resign my lease. If I do that by the 1st, they'll clean my carpets for free. They could do that while I'm gone.

I think I want new hair. In this mood, I'm tempted to cut it all off. Right now I'm pretty committed to going with the darker red and a few highlights. Maybe some sideswept bangs. But I might just cut it all off the way I feel right now.

It's after midnight. I need to go to bed. It's going be a long day again tomorrow. I didn't get around to washing the doggie. Will do that tomorrow. Maybe.

May 25, 2009

Late Evening Update

Today is Memorial Day. On the way home from the lake this morning, I was listening to several programs on NPR that were focused on our veterans and those who have died in our pursuit of liberty. I've been thinking about some of the stories that my grandpas told me about their time in World War II. I need to get a display case for the flag that I have. I was at Hobby Lobby today buying frames for some pictures (like I have anywhere to put pictures...need more shelf space); I should have picked up a display case. I bet they were 50% off like the picture frames were. I'll stop by on the way home tomorrow and see if there are any available still.

I also need to go back by Petsmart tomorrow and pick up some stuff to remove cat urine order. I have been smelling it for awhile, and I finally figured out where it was coming from. It's in throw pillows and blankets that were in the spare room. They are currently in a bag on the deck. They need to be hosed down with enzymatic cleaner and then put in the wash. *sigh*

I was going to take my doggie to the doggie washateria this afternoon, but we apparently got there too late. The place closed at 5:30, with the last wash accepted at 4:00. Now mind you, this is a self-service place. You wash your doggie yourself. We arrived at 3:45 and were told that it was already closed. What? Huh? Who can't tell time? *sigh* I suppose we'll try that again tomorrow, too. Instead I took the doggie to Petsmart and let her pick out a new toy (she decided on a red, white, and blue rope toy that is a knotted ball with a throw/tug loop for momma) and a pork bone filled with salmon jerky. She is a passed out puppy right now. Even though she still stinks.

So...it was a pretty crappy weekend, all in all. We got out of here in good time on Friday and were at the lake by 5:00. I had a bad feeling when I pulled up to the lodge and saw a sign that said the beach was closed due to high water, absolutely no swimming. I brushed it off because the lake is big and almost all lakes have little places that are just pull-offs where you can get in the water, right? Wrong. And when I actually saw the lake and how high it was, I realized that we weren't going to be getting in the water at all, even though the doggie and I spent Saturday driving around looking for somewhere. The folks at the River Shack, where I got a pretty gross bbq pork sandwich but excellent onion rings) told me that really, the beaches were it and they were all closed. They said the rest of the lake shore was pretty much private property and you had to know someone to get close to the water.

The guy at River Shack said that the lake was really high and that they'd been releasing water for three weeks, with no effect. They couldn't release anymore because the Ohio River was already at flood stage. When I cruised by the North Fork Recreation Area, I could see just how high it was. I could just barely see the tops of a swing set. All the other playground equipment was completely submerged. All of that really sucked because I was looking forward to lounging in the water while reading and writing. Pretty sure the doggie was too. Plus it was hotter than hell. I'm eternally grateful that I remembered my little fan and the extension cord.

I need to add a new lantern to the birthday list. My red one (that looks like a traditional gas lantern) works just fine and has ever since I got it. The gray one that doubles as a spot light has been problematic since I got it. Some of you will recall the story about when I first bought it and how the batteries exploded in it and the lovely deer hunters at Land Between the Lakes rescued me by cleaning it up and giving me new batteries. All I had to do was drink beer with them and listen to stories about their girlfriends and wives. Well...it has caused batteries to explode several times, and this weekend was the last straw for me. Brand new batteries. Exploded. Nasty mess inside the casing. I left it next to the trash can when I pulled out this morning. So. I'd like another lantern. Thank you very much.

Another frustration of the weekend was my fire building ability. I can build a fire. I swear I can. The problem comes when the wood you buy from the campground guys (and pay $5.00/bundle for) is green. Do you know how hard it is to get green wood to burn? And how frustrating that process is? You're watching it sputter and sizzle, knowing that it's never going to catch. You're hungry and there's a cooler of food...that needs heat to cook. Shan and Eric got me a camp stove for Christmas (I'll pick it up when I see them in June), and while I've never really thought I needed one, I can see the benefits. I managed to get my food cooked, and make some perfect smores in the process, but forget sitting around the fire.

Then Sunday, I woke up to the sound of rain falling. I considered going home then because it had been pretty crappy up until then, but I wanted to let the tent dry out since you're not supposed to put it away wet. *sigh* I should have gone home. It continued to rain all day long, at times heavily. The doggie and I went for a drive at one point because I was sick of sitting in the tent with her (she's sweet and didn't understand why we were cooped up). I got lost in banjo-country Kentucky. When I say banjo country, I mean dueling banjos. I saw a sign for Mooleyville, and thought, I've got to go to Mooleyville. I think I passed through it, but I don't know as there wasn't a sign. I think, though, that that particular wide spot was Mooleyville.

I passed a homesite that was one of those big campers that go on the back of a pick-up. You know the ones I'm talking about? Not a shell but the camper. Not a truck to be found, but the rebel flags were flying. The guy sitting in the webbed lawn chair was wearing overalls with no shirt under them. I briefly thought that I should take a picture, but then I thought...don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. Remember the Mississippi Deliverance episode and keep moving. So, no picture of that particular wonderful sight.

I can't remember exactly where I was when I blew through the stop sign and wound up getting pulled over by a nice young deputy. I was looking at my GPS trying to figure out where I was and how to get back to the campground, and I never even saw the stop sign. I was in the middle of BFE. Why is there a stop sign in the middle of nowhere? He sweetly pointed out that my insurance card is expired (gonna have to go by and get a new one I guess), and then sent me on my way. No ticket. Thank you sir. Thank you.

Back at the campsite, it kept raining, so I sat in the car with the doggie, listening to the radio and charging the cellphone, which apparently ran my battery down because the car wouldn't start. I panicked. It's what I do. I was terrified, though, at the thought of being stuck at that awful place, looking at an 80 mile tow bill, plus a repair bill. *sigh* Luckily, it was just that I needed a jump, which some nice boys from Nevada gave me this morning. The car started immediately, and I didn't let it stop until I got home. I took the long way home too, so the car had time charge up.

There's more, but right now, I really need to get to bed.

May 21, 2009

Late Evening Update

I'm supposed to be rescoring portfolios, but it's not going to happen tonight. I have 10 that need to be done, but I'm going to get up early and get them knocked out tomorrow morning. I'm pretty sure that not a lot is gong to change with them, and that's fine with me.

I've got the car mostly packed. What's left is the cooler, the bedding (although the air mattress and sleeping bag is already in there), and my bag, although it's mostly packed now. The doggie food is in there. The alcohol is packed. That may well be the most important part. The state part says "no visible alcohol", so I think that means as long as it's in my cup or in my koozie, we're good to go.

I have to stop by the store on the way out of town for ice, chocolate (for the smores), and something else that I just thought of but can't remember. I've put the dishes in the dishwasher, and I'll start that up before I leave tomorrow. Someone send me a text and remind me to take the trash out. I don't want to come home to a gross, smelly house. I can't leave the house a mess before I leave because it's going be a mess when I come home. I just can't stand that.

Electrical tape. That's what I need. I apparently ordered the wrong pole for the fly, and I need to tape up the one that is split...until I can order the new one.

I went on the field trip today. I should have stayed in the building. It was an OK day. Didn't really even get to watch the game because even though I didn't have any supervisory responsibilities, it was a bit of a clusterfuck in terms of organizing the students. I was seriously worried about how we were going to get all of them back to the school. I may have hated McDonald, but damn did he know how to organize a field trip. It was a bit military in it's control, but everyone knew what they were doing, where they were going, and what was happening.

Speaking of camping, I need a new cooler. The days to my birthday are dwindling. I've got a list prepared ...cooler, good sunglasses (ones that block UVA and UVB rays), digit cam, cellphone, notebooks (if you want to know the very specific kind, I'll tell you), air mattress (for camping), nice large lidded box/basket to put my stationery in (and it needs to be large I've got a 1'x1'x1' that is filled).

Going to bed so I can get up. Y'all be good.

May 20, 2009

Late Evening Update

I've finished scoring for this evening. There are still six to go, but I'm out of score sheets, which means no more scoring for this evening. I'm cool with that. With six more to go, I can knock that out in an hour tomorrow.

Still haven't decided if I'm going to the ball game tomorrow or not. I may stay at the building and hustle people through SRI testing so that folks get off my back about that one. That would make me infinitely happy.

I wish I had more to say tonight, but portfolio scoring takes it out of me. Or maybe it's that glass of wine I had. Glass. Bottle. Same difference.

Earlier Evening Update

My summer is starting to take shape. *sigh* Leave here on the 11th or 12th. Stay in Mississippi until the 16th. Head to Missouri on the 16th. Leave for Colorado on the 19th. Stay in Colorado until the 22nd. On the 22nd, go north to Yellowstone. Stay there two days. Head to Nevada on the 25th. Haven't quite decided how long I'm going to stay there.

My stomach is still not quite feeling happy. The nauseau isn't as bad, but it's still in effect. It needs to go away and stay away.

I've got 26 portfolios to rescore this evening. I don't want to. I really, really don't want to. There isn't any way around it though. Someone has to do it, and it's going to be me. That's why they pay me the big bucks, I guess.

In other news, I may have found our new LA master teacher, and if it's her, life will be fantastic. FANTASTIC.

May 19, 2009

Evening Update

The tummy is still stressed. The soup isn't making it happy, and the sprite doesn't appear to be helping much. I really don't think it's food poisoning. Every once in awhile I have "issues". This time it just involves an upset stomach in addition to the other.

I came home and slept a little while this afternoon. since waking up, I've been trying to get settled enough to do my homework. It's not going to happen. That just means that I have to get it done tomorrow, in addition to SRI testing. I don't know if I'm going to be able to go on the field trip to the baseball game on Thursday. As long as I don't have to go to the Romper Room, that's fine with me.

It wasn't bad in there today. There were the moments, but the leprechaun had lots of work for them to do. Instead of having them orally respond, he gave them worksheets to do. What a concept. Give them something to do and hold them accountable for doing it. Duh. The work of teaching is not in the minutia of managing a classroom; it's in the planning and organizing that has to happen before you ever get in front of a classroom. I have to admit that I hate that part of it. Dealing with kids is the fun part of it; the rest of it is drudgery. You can't have the fun without the drudgery, though. If you don't go through the drudgery, your life is hell in the classroom.

I did hear in the hallway, though, the AAL screaming at a child. "I'm sick of this! Sick of it! And I'm not going to put up with it anymore!" Ummmmm...good show. He's 12; you're 40. You just let him win. Nice job!

Speaking of work, we have a new assistant principal. I'm not sure what a building with a population of about 700 needs with a principal and four assistant principals. Too many folks in control and too many egos to contend with. I'm not sure exactly what the job of the fourth AP is going to be. Whatever. It does mean that we'll have a master teacher position opening up. It's going to be another Language Arts master teacher. Not because I can't do my job but because it's such a huge job to do. When you add up the regular language arts teachers and the special education language arts teachers, then you're looking at almost 30 teachers who need your support. That's an incredible amount of people to have to work with. I'm not sure that I'm in favor of splitting us into one in charge of reading and another in charge of writing, since we're supposed to be teaching those things together, but. If that's the way they're going to go, then I want the writing part of it, even though they're trying to move me into the reading piece. I'll forfeit going to Nashville for the Read 180 conference. Someone else can do that. Writing is my thing, and I'd like to be able to shine there.

Did I mention that I dropped my phone in water this weekend? It's working, but the problem is that it's sticky. The contact for the trackball is screwed up, and I've had problems with the trackball for a couple of months now as is. I could pick up a new trackball, but that contact is the problem. I'm eligible for an equipment upgrade with my contract, and I'm trying to decide if I'm going to go with the Blackberry Curve or with the Iphone. I really like the Iphone, but I don't know if I like enough to pay an extra $150 for it. Or an extra $300. I can get a refurbished Curve for $99, with a $99 rebate. I can do a new one for $250 with a $100 rebate. The iphone I would want is $300 with no rebates. I'm leaning towards the Curve. As nice as it would be to have a touch-screen phone, I just can't justify that expense right now. I did just order a new trackball off of ebay. We'll see if that helps hold me over until I figure out what I want.

I want to go to an amusement park. There's one about five miles from the house. I think a day riding roller coasters might just be what a doctor somewhere ordered. I can't believe that I haven't been to an amusement park since I taught in Reno and got to go twice at the end of each year with various groups. The best part about roller coasters is the giggle. I don't scream; I giggle. Uncontrollably. The entire time. Love it.

Setting alarm, turning it on (really) and going to bed.

Afternoon Update

Apparently an alarm only works if you turn it on. I set it. I made sure to set it, but I didn't turn it on. Good thing for me that I was rather violently ill this morning. Twice. Either stress is making my stomach upset or that week-old pasta salad wasn't the best choice for dinner, although it didn't smell or taste funny. I'm leaning towards a stressed tummy.

I've taken half a Xanex to get through this class. My responses to stress and anxiety are out of bounds since I've moved here. I know we've had this conversation before, but it's true. Things that wouldn't have phased me before are now major blows to my system. I'm not sure how to fix that. As much as it pains me, I'm going to have to go back to the doctor and ask him for something other than the Ativan, which made me feel like my body was moving around inside of my skin.

I've been talking with Shannon today about updating my living will and my power of attorney. Interesting that My conversations with Amber happened last night because this morning I read an article about a woman who was kept from her dying partner...even though she had all the proper documentation. I understand, I suppose, why there are rules like HIPPA in place, but the problem becomes that in this day and age, we have a all these various iterations of what a "family" means. That needs some sort of recognition, and the law and the medical community hasn't caught up with the rest of the world, though.

I need to buy dog food tonight. I meant to buy it last night, but somehow it got confused on my list and I picked up some cat food. I suppose that you can never have too much of either one of those things. Animals are expensive...and mine aren't spoiled rotten. The kitties don't get an excessive amount of treats; the doggie has a few toys. She gets a cookie now and again. I am a benignly neglectful pet owner.

My stomach still doesn't feel good. Feel quite a bit like I'm going to puke. Guess I need to add a stop at the grocery for ginger ale or something like that. As soon as I get home and take the doggie out, I think I might be taking myself off to the bed, making sure to turn on the alarm before I crawl up in there.

May 18, 2009

Later Evening Update

Talked to Amber for awhile this evening. I don't keep in touch like I should. I mean to, but then I don't call. I miss the days when we sent emails all day long.

Charlie, Nate's father, passed away on Wednesday. He had heart problems and two aneurysms, and I seem to recall something a couple of years ago about a health scare, but it's still a difficult thing to take. I remember Charlie as being a bit of the epitome of a hippie. He seemed like such a kind and gentle soul. I know that Nate and Amber are hurting right now, and I hate that for them. Even when we prepare ourselves for death, its knock on our door signals a difficult guest to welcome. Rest well, Charlie.

That reminds me that I need to update my advanced directives and my POA. Apparently the doctor at the hospital was not very kind to Charlie's "wife" Nomi. They weren't married, and even tough the family deferred to Nomi to make the decisions, the doctor would only speak to Nate and Danielle. You'd think in California with all the various permutations of "family", it might have been a little different. It was a difficult situation made moreso.

They say that bad things come in threes. I hope that there's not another sadness in the offing.

My horoscope says that I'm now supposed to have the courage to say "I don't know" and that in the confession of confusion, I will find clarity. There are so very many things I don't know. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know who or what to believe. I have some slight faith that what I need to know will be revealed to me, when I need to know it. I think I want to know.

Did I mention that there are only 11 days of school left? Only 11 days with children. I can make it 11 days. I might be headed to a baseball game on Thursday. Apparently up here, we believe in working until the accountability testing, and then it's all fun and games. I can agree with a few fun and games, but I wonder what the point is. I realize that it would have been less if we didn't have 8 days to make up due to the days we lost to hurricanes (by the way, there's a possible disturbance brewing down south) and ice. That means I'd have 3 days left. Friday would be it for children. But still. It's too much time to waste, particularly for students can't afford to waste time. Dammit.

Going to bed now. More in the morning.

Early Evening Update

I left the power cord for the laptop at the office, so there may not be much tonight.

I am apparently going camping this weekend. This morning I was looking at sites, and there were pretty slim pickins so I went ahead and booked a tent site at Rough River Dam . I think I now have most of my supplies for the weekend, but I still have to buy food. Thinking about going a little on the gourmet side this weekend. See what all I can whip up in the cast iron. I suppose in the next couple of days I'll start pulling everything out to make sure that I have it all. I've started the list of things that I need to take with me. It really is a sickness, this listmaking I do. If I could fix it, I would.

I'm looking forward to getting away for the weekend. While I enjoyed the not-so-somber moments of this past weekend, it'll be nice to be outside. I'll be sitting in my chair in the water, sipping a drink (what am I going to take with me? Some beers probably. Rum drinks? Gin for gin and tonic? Bourbon? Wine? So many choices), reading a book. Writing. No fear, I've stocked up on sunscreen. That was one of the things on my list when I was shopping this afternoon. What books am I going to take with me? I'll finish my book on the metric system (so I can send it on to the boy. Heh). Maybe I'll take the book about Woodrow Wilson with me. Or maybe one of the Lincoln books I haven't gotten to. Maybe the 9 Rights of Every Writer so I can get started on planning some professional development for my staff (or maybe not). I have been saving this month's Marie Claire; maybe I'll pick up a frothy, fun novel at the used bookstore.

So...I'm eternally grateful that I only have to spend 11 more days in the Romper Room. The problem is that I don't know if I'm going to make it 11 more days. I walk in there, and I can feel my stress level skyrocket. It is so incredibly chaotic in there. I don't know how the leprechaun stands it, I really don't. I was shaking about an hour in because my anxiety was getting the best of me. I could see kids getting out of control and the potential for disaster is huge. I don't like to take pills, but it kills me. It gets worse each time I'm in there.

The administration is not any help; they've never been any help. A week and a half ago, the AAL came into the room and gave this big, tough speech about how we're done playing and if you screw up, you're going home for the rest of the year, blah, blah, blah. Well. We have a kid in the RR who has only been there a month or so. He transferred in from our alternative school. He and I have tied up before, but today it was just an immense struggle. He wouldn't take off his hat; he put a pencil into the AC unit and probably fucked it up nicely (which is going to be hell...that room gets incredibly hot); he left the room without permission and refused to come back in.

Given the AAL's tirade, you'd think for sure that would get him sent home, right? Wrong. All I wanted her to do is talk to him. Remind him that he's not at Kennedy, and we expect a different standard of behavior. Her response? "Call his mother". Ummmm...have already done that, but thanks for the support. I don't know why I expected much different from her because that's the way she is: a big ol' blowhard with very little follow through. Unless she's got some special ed kid against a pillar in an armbar, or talking on the radio making herself feel like she's the shit...when all she's doing is talking.

Gonna think about making some dinner. Not actually sure what I want. I have some Italian sausage in the freezer and some tortellini in the pantry. I could make pancakes. Maybe some chicken salad and do melts. I dunno. Kinda hungry, though. The cheese crackers at lunch don't hold over very well.

May 17, 2009

Evening Update

When I don't have to go to work, I lose track of the time. I can't keep track of the date. Time I can usually keep up with, but days are a losing battle for me. Usually my cellphone keeps me straight, but I haven't been paying much attention to that lately because it's been a little ticky since I dropped it in the water. *sigh*

It was a flying trip home. I made it to Hattiesburg in just about 8 hours flat. I made it back just about as quickly, after a false start. I had to turn around and go back to Gumbo Acres because I couldn't remember if I'd turned off the oven. I forgot to put the shelf back in the fridge, too. I was trying so hard to be a model guest. I did the dishes and laundry and swept the floor of the dog hair. I baked cookies and left a sweet note. But forgot to put the fridge back together. *sigh* (and it was taken apart because we needed a place to put the pitcher of sangria yesterday)

It rained from Gumbo Acres to the Tennessee state line. It wasn't the hard, driving rain of the last trip. I was able to keep going; there was no pulling off the road and waiting to be able to see.

I suppose there's much to say about this weekend, but I don't know if I've got it all marshalled together right in my head yet. It was a hard weekend in so very many ways.

I am not a fan of funerals. Some one please take note of this. I don't want a funeral. I can't stand open caskets. They creep me out. I don't want to look at the shell that is left behind when the soul and spirit have gone on. I don't want to remember my friends and loved ones lying in a casket, some surreal version of themselves. I don't want them to remember me that way. I did not view Betsy in her casket. I was warned not to because it didn't look like her, but I don't think I would have any way.

I don't want some formal ceremony where people sit and are silent in their memories. I don't want a sermon about appropriate ways to grieve and move on. I don't want muzak.

I understand that funerals aren't about the dead person. They're for the living, a chance to say goodbye and to bring things to some sense of closure. But I'd hope that my friends, and the people who care about me, wouldn't want that very formal kind of ceremony. I would hope that they, like me, need more of a chance to feel, without the rigidity.

I've more thoughts about that, but it's going to have to wait until I've got them more coherent.

In the meantime, I listened to an NPR program this morning on the way home, and heard the following from Diana Athill:

There was more, but I couldn't catch them all. All about the "last words". It seems a little coincidental that I heard this particular piece this morning, after the weekend. Interesting insights from a 91 year old woman. Some of the things she said made me want to ask more questions. She said that she ceased her existence as a sexual being in her 70s. I suppose I can understand not wanting to have sex, but I wonder if the desire for closeness, for a physical touch ceases as well.

The only real example I have of aging sexuality would be my grandparents, and to be honest, I can't ever imagine them having had sex. They just didn't seem like those kinds of people. But. They were affectionate. Always touching. If they were in the same room, they were near each other.

There are lots of things that I miss about being coupled, but I think that one of the biggest is the physical presence of another person. I'm not a very touchy-feely person. I don't like people in my space unless I've invited them into my space. But when I'm with some one, it's like I need to touch them. Not in a gross, creepy PDA way, but just a reassuring, comforting, we-occupy-the-same-space, kind of touch. I don't know if that makes sense. While right now I like sex a lot (and miss it. A lot), I can foresee a time when it won't be that important. I can't picture a future without some kind of physical connection. I guess that's an odd statement to make, as I live without it now, but I'm not entirely ready to give up hope on it happening.

To get back on the tracks, a couple of friends and I spent most of yesterday in the pool. We talked. We ate good food. We cried a little. We drank sangria. A lot of it. We laughed so very much. It was a good, good day, and I think it was exactly what we needed. It was apparently storming all around us, and while it was thundering and dark, all that happened at Gumbo Acres was some light rain. No lightning. We got out of the pool for a little while, worried that there would be lightning, but when it didn't arrive, we got back in the water. If you're going to be wet anyway, what does it matter if it's raining?

Brandy and I wound up the night at Shenanigans so I could sing The Pussycat Song in tribute to Betsy. Kind of a strange experience. The place was dead. I mean, we're talking about Shenanigans and over the 8 (?) years I've been in there off and on, it's been a hit or miss (mostly miss) place, but last night it was just about deserted. The lady running the karaoke was not all that good at it. (Diamond Dave was MUCH better) Sang the song, though, and then headed to the house so I could get ready to go to bed.

I had dinner with the boy last night. And then we talked. I mangled that pretty nicely, but I think we got where we needed to be. With no help from me. I should have brought my notes with me. *sigh* I don't know how much more I want to say about that right this minute.

In other news, I met someone at the funeral who knew me, although I did not know him. I mean...I knew of him. Gave him a lovely baby quilt, but I didn't "know" him. I now know that he knew me because he reads here. Duh. Kinda disconcerting, though. Sometimes I get random emails from people I don't know with advice or concern, and I'm always a little taken aback by it. I seem to forget that while I have a relatively small readership, it's a rather diverse readership. Funny that this thing, started in 2002 (although those entries are lost to the worldnet site) to update friends and family is more than that these days.

Not sure if I'm going to go camping this weekend or not. I need to take a look at where the bank account stands after an unexpected trip south. Camping is cheap, but at the same time...I might should stay home. If only to make sure that Peach isn't barbering herself (currently her belly is bare). Being out in the woods and sitting in a lake for the weekend might be just what the doggie and I need. I really think I'd like to head down to Green River Lake again (where we went last fall), but since the sites are all first-come, first-served, I don't know if I can get there in time to actually get a site. Land Between the Lakes is way too far to go. There are a couple of places that are closer, but they're more expensive (more like $30/night versus the $15/night that COE/National sites cost). Some thinking to do, I suppose.

I keep thinking that maybe one day, I'll be better than this random, scattershot writer. I'll organize myself! But I don't know if that's possible. My head jumps from thing to thing and y'all just have to suffer the consequences.

So, in the spirit of that randomness, and to go along with some of what I've felt the last couple of weeks...I've talked before about the fact that I'm never quite sure how to tell when someone is being honest with me or not. I fear that is something I'm never going to get right. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt; I want to believe. That often gets me in trouble, and I think there may have been a few times in the past when that has been problematic. I have told myself that is about the person lying to me and not so much myself. There are times when I wonder how much it really matters. I mean...I know that it matters because relationships that don't have honesty at their base are destined to be less than they could be. I guess it doesn't really matter, though, since my inability to discern the truth means that I tend to take a wait-and-see approach to things. I guess that solves the problem, though, and tells me that I don't *really* believe people...I just wait for them to prove me wrong. (I'm tired. I'm sorry that it doesn't really make a lot of sense)

So, tomorrow. A few more thoughts, but tonight I need to get to bed. It was a long, draining weekend, and work beckons tomorrow.

Last Updated June 1, 2009

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