May 2008
May 30, 2008
Very Early Morning Update
So, I went to the movies. Saw Iron Man because it was really the only one of interest and because well, i thas Robert Downey, Jr. in it. I could just eat him with a spoon. That weathered, stressed look. It will get me every time. *sigh* So yummy.
I am now at the house watching a Steven Segall movie. God what a horrible actor.
I was thinking about going on a bike ride tomorrow morning, but since it's 1:30 in the morning, and I'm no where near the bed, I don't picture it happening. Stranger things have occurred, but I'm going to say the chances of this are slim to none.
I am as confused as ever about what to do about the PSB. IKI have to figure it out very soon, though. Got a couple of messages about it that I basically ignored. I really don't even want to think about trying to unravel that mess. Maybe tomorrow at the pool, after a cocktail, something with come to me. And if it doesn't, I'm going to have stall again.
Evening Update
It's another Friday night, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. I imagine that I'm going to have the rest of my left-over drunken noodles and will either watch a movie or read a book. Maybe I'll go to the movies. Iron Man or The Strangers? Hmmmmmm...
No more word from Louisville, but I did hear from the other place today. I have an interview Tuesday morning at 10:00.
Morning Update
I have a good day every now and then.
It's Friday! The weekend is lazily unfolding. Going to be at the pool tomorrow...letting the world slip away. And who knows what else will happen. Doesn't really matter, I suppose.
I can't believe another month is almost gone. *sigh* I know I've said it before, but if I'm going to go back to teaching this fall, that means I have to do a bunch of work on my dissertation this summer. I can do this. I just have to get started. Which reminds me, I need to get to the library today with those books. *sigh* I guess I'll wait until Monday, though. That will give me the weekend to read through them and make the notes I need. Maybe that's the goal I need to set for myself. Every couple of weeks I have to complete one "research paper". By my birthday I have to have the section on Gerontology complete. What do you think? Can I do that?
Evening Update
It's been a good day. A really good day. This morning I checked my email, and low and behold, there was a lovely missive for me. Very enthusiastic and asking me when I was available for an interview. They're going to start interviewing probably in early June. Next week. that means I need to do some studying and reading and that sort of stuff to prepare myself for that. I typically interview well, but I'm nervous and scared. It's been awhile since I was immersed in the lingo and the grind of school.
So fling whatever you fling skyward and this direction because I'm going to need it. Which reminds me...going to look at the job description so I can pump Toni for more information.
Then I went to lunch with a friend. I am always humbled by the trust others place in me. So much information. So much intense, personal information. And it's entrusted to me. It is good to spend time with friends. It really is.
The dog needs a bath. Since I'm not doing anything else, I suppose that's what I'll do.
Going for a short wander. Need to get out.
Morning Update
Last night was a bit of a dissertation on trust; I'm no closer to a resolution.
I slept like a rock last night, and when the alarm went off, it was completely unexpected. I was that deep in dreamland. It was like the sleep of the dead. Dreamless. Stationary. I usually move around quite a bit in my sleeping, but not last night. I curled up on my right side and stayed on my right side. Which means my shoulder is killing me this morning.
I checked my cellphone bill last night, and it was about $20 more than I expected it to be. I was afraid that I'd gone way over and text messages, but that wasn't it (I had about 700 more messages I could have sent). There were a bunch of data transfers, though. One for $15. No clue what that was, so I called up AT&T and they couldn't figure it out either. They decided to credit the charges. It was actually a very pleasant conversation, and the guy was very nice. He said that since I've been a customer for so long (since 2001), they wanted to make sure I was happy. I was.
Going to lunch with a friend today. Should be a good time.
I'm feeling sorry for myself again tonight. I should know better. I don't, though. I believe. Or I really want to believe, so I make myself feel bad about not believing which means I believe. And then am disappointed all over again. I am a fool to believe.
Sent all of my stuff off to Louisville today, as well as down to Perry County. Now begins the waiting game, which is probably why my stomach is upset right this minute. For some stupid reason, I had to check the New Orleans website again. The job there is still open. *sigh*
The PSB wants to come visit for my birthday. I told him that I'm going to be out with girlfriends the actually night of, but I don't have any other plans for the weekend. That's the truth. I don't have any other plans, although I did leave the door ajar by telling him that I wasn't sure if friends had other things in store for me.
These things are kinda scary, and I know that it doesn't have to be. But it is. Since September 2006, I've been with one person. Let myself go enough to allow one person that close to me. And to be perfectly honest, I don't know that I want to let anyone to get that close to me right now. Particularly if I'm leaving in a couple of months.
Contrary to what some may think, my reticence and my lack of partners is not due to a fear of emotional involvement, although I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about the boy (but strangely enough...I don't really care about the HB...the one before the boy...and I didn't really care about him when we were doing whatever we doing). It's all about trust; about willing to be that vulnerable to someone else. Protective mechanism, I suppose.
It's funny, though, that I've had a couple of one-night stands. I actually find that very odd. Given my problems with strangers in general. I think, though, that my issues with vulnerability don't come into play so much because I'm never going to see that person again. I have to trust that the person isn't going to hurt me in the short-term, but that's it. And I can handle hurt in the short-term. I've been hurt in the short-term, and the blood washes away, the tears dry, the soreness goes away, and bruises fade. Besides worrying about whether he's going to kill me or not, I don't have to invest anything more than that. Three's a physical vulnerability, but not an emotional one.
Someone who has my phone number and is likely to be a part of my life in some shape or form...that's a different ballgame. I don't know when I'm going to be ready to make that leap again, but I guess I'm going to have to figure it out. Before my birthday.
It looks like I'm going to be doing $500 worth of work for the writing project this summer. That means I will have $500 for a brand spanking new tattoo. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to start looking for an artist now. There's a guy in New Orleans that I like a lot. I know I don't want to go back to Jack and Dianes, and I don't have a good feeling about any of the places here in town. So that means I'm searching. (and I know I could do something else with that money. I should do something else with that money. But I'm not going to)
May 27, 2008
Evening Update
I'm home from playing bunco (you hear that Linda?). It was much more fun than I remember it being the first time I played it. Maybe it was the company I was keeping. I won the prize for the most losses. *sigh* It's a nice prize. Cocktail shaker and a bunch of cocktail stirrers. I will be responsible for the month of March. If I'm still here in March. Should be able to put together some really good snacks and prizes.
One of my friends brought me a new necklace. She has a hobby that involves making glass beads, and she made me a very special one. I keep rubbing it, wondering if the real thing will appear. *grin* It's lovely.
I need to finish filling out my application so I can fax it tomorrow. And I need to get Toni to finish my letter so I can send that off tomorrow, too. There's another application that will be picked up tomorrow night, and hopefully filled out tomorrow night. Dang. I need to request some more transcripts. *sigh* Which means I need to go to USM and pay a fine on a couple of books. *sigh*
My stomach isn't feeling good tonight. Started about 3:30 and has yet to get better. I'm a little hungry, though. Guess I'm going to root around and see what's available.
Hopefully I'll get to sleep tonight.
Morning Update
Oh, I am grouchy when I cannot get to sleep. *sigh* Last night's after-midnight ramblings can be found here. I think it was after three when I finally drifted off. Needless to say, I did not get up and walk that puppy. I didn't even ear the alarm go off, nor do I remember turning the dang thing off. Good thing the puppy has me conditioned to get up at 6:30.
Ughhhh. Gotta get going if I'm going to get to work on time. Must dry the fur and decide what I'm wearing to work. So tired.
Very Late Night Update
I cannot sleep. Even though the AC is set at 76, it's freakin' hot in this house, and I can't get comfortable. I suppose that part of it is that I have to be covered by something when I sleep. *sigh* I know what I'd like to be covered by, but that's another topic for another time.
Been thinking about a few friends this evening. I hurt for them. I've been where they are...sorta...and I know how painful things are for them. Adding children into the mix takes it to a level I can't even begin to understand, but I know some of that bewilderment and defeat. I feel responsible in one case because I introduced them. I set them up. He was a good man then. I would have staked my soul on that. And now...it's all descended into something 10 times worse than a Lifetime movie. Like I was telling her tonight, it wasn't all bad. She has two beautiful children, and in the beginning, it was really, really good. Doesn't make it any easier, though.
A week or so ago, I said that I was beginning to think that anything would be better than the place I currently find myself, but that's not true. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't trade places with either of my hurting friends. I would if it would help them, but I wouldn't want to be living with that kind of soul-crushing tension. Me...all I have to do is decide whether I'm willing to get on the ride again and trust the things I want to hear. That's a sight easier than trying to figure out how to help your children make sense of why their family has come apart at the seams.
The alarm is going to go off in three short hours, asking me to get up and walk that puppy. Right this minute, I can't see how I'm ever going to get to the bed.
Evening Update
I appreciate your patience during this unexpected disruption of service. All of the problems on my end should be resolved. They may be ongoing for others, but that will be theirs to sort out. If you continue to experience issues, feel free to send me an email. I don't answer the phone when I don't know who is calling me. Actually, I don't answer the phone most of the time, so. Email is best.
Yesterday was a pretty decent day in my life. Even with the rain (and thunder and lightning), we had a blast. Any time with the Allens is going to be a good time. I have some pics to post, but don't feel like it tonight. Paul Thorn, as always, rocked. Ben Deignan and Suburban Soul were a weak knock-off of Maroon 5, and they sucked some major ass. There were three Michael Jackson covers in an hour set...and Ben just can't hit all those notes. He was off most of the show. Hank Becker's Sol Lab was also incredible. Great blues jams going on during that show. We actually talked to his wife before the show started. She was sitting at the table next to us, and she and Beth chatted about how wonderful grandchildren are.
There were mass quantities of alcohol consumed. Good thing Mark was driving. I really enjoyed the Ginger Cooler. Absolut Citron, mint leaves, ginger syrup, cranberry juice, and lime. I think the ginger syrup is just simple syrup infused with ginger, which would not be too difficult to make. That might be good beside the pool this summer.
Started to get a headache yesterday afternoon. It was awful by the time we got home. I'm really not sure how I made it from Gumbo Acres to the house. It was nausea-inducing, squinting-to-see pain. Put the dog to bed, did some business, and passed out. It's still with me right this minute, but it's not killing me like it did last night. I need someone to rub my neck, and apparently that's not a trick I can teach the puppy since she doesn't have thumbs.
Anyway. Maybe more later. Maybe not.
May 24, 2008
I have decided that I'm done being upset. That's just it. I'm done. No more whining about it. I can't promise I won't be still crying about it...had a jag this afternoon and then slept for awhile...but I'm done dwelling on it. When I have thoughts that scare myself, it's time to get on with it. (and I wouldn't ever do anything with those thoughts because I that means the mess that my life is would be revealed...and it would hurt the people that love me, which I can't have. So there's nothing to worry about)
So...I'm sucking it up and moving on.
Today has been a nothing day. Got up and went to the store. This whole Memorial Day weekend cooking has gotten expensive. Good thing I'll be eating all of this food for the next two weeks.
I was going to make banana pudding, but when I had the bananas in hand, I started thinking about what I was going to put the banana pudding in. All of the containers that I have that would be good for that, in particular my pyrex, are currently living in different homes. I'd really like to have them back. That's always one bad thing about being kind to other folks. Getting your stuff back is never a guarantee. *sigh* I guess with next week's paycheck, I'll buy some new pyrex. (thought about making carnitas this weekend too, but without the cake pan, I don't have any way to crisp it in the oven)
I made ribs on the grill this evening. Haven't gotten a chance to try them yet, but they're looking really, really good. As is the corn that is roasting on the grill in its husks. I put some wood chips in the grill...put them in a foil pouch that I poked holes in. The porch smells like I have a smoker. When I was at Wal-Mart buying the grill brush and the chips, I saw this cast iron smoke box.I didn't pick it up, but I think it might one day make a good addition to my grilling repertoire. As would a smoker.
OK...the ribs were yummy. As was the corn. I'm so full that it's disgusting. Yum, yum, yum. I'm sickeningly full. Ughhh. Why did I do that?
My left knee hurts. I got tangled up with the dog and the cat as I was trying to make my way over the baby gate. Twisted the knee and then hit the back of it with the baby gate. I might have said a bad word or two. Maybe even three if I'm being honest about it.
I wish I was camping somewhere. The dog and I could be having a good time. Except it's already sorta hot out, so it might be miserable trying to sleep.
Speaking of the dog, we had a moment earlier this evening. I don't usually put her on the leash when I let her out to potty in the yard because she's very good about doing her thing and coming back to the porch. There are moments, like last Saturday morning when I was naked under the robe and she took off down the alley in the dark, when she sends me on a wild goosechase. This afternoon a man was walking down 11th when Cob spotted him and thought he might like to play. Idiot decided that the best course of action would be to run away from her. Because he was running, she was running. At one point he was *crying*. The closest she came to him was about a foot as she rounded him and came lopping back to the porch. *sigh* I get being scared of dogs, and I know that Cob is a bigger puppy, but criminy.
Also had a moment this evening when I needed to refill the gas cylinder on the grill. *sigh* I knew it wasn't going to last the entire grilling time. The folks at Wal-Mart were pretty ineffective. It cost $19.07 to exchange a propane cylinder now. My extra one is at the Ms Parents'. I'd like to have that back simply because it's so freakin' expensive, and it's totally inconvenient to have to go out in the middle of your grilling experience and get a new one. Not exactly sure how to go about asking for it back, though (it went out there during Katrina).
I'm watching the Law & Order marathon on USA. I was gonna ask why, but that's a place I've decided I need not go anymore.
I think that's all for tonight. Gonna read a little and go to bed.
Except it's Friday. *sigh* I bet I could be in a pool somewhere, but I don't really feel like going out and worrying about gas and all of that.
I vacuumed this evening. Had to change the belt on the vacuum first. It was nasty in there and totally needs to be cleaned. But it sucks things up much more nicely than it did before. Changing the belt on a vacuum, though, is boy work. Dammit. I don't mind using the vacuum. Maintaining the vacuum is a task for a boy. *sigh* Anything that requires a tool...such as a screwdriver...is boy work.
I should start a load of laundry.
I don't know that I'll be on here much longer this evening. I don't want to be upset tonight. I don't want to be upset anymore. I don't want to be sad about this place I find myself in. But I don't know exactly how to make it better.
Was reading somewhere this evening and one of the questions is what are your sexual regrets? I'd like to believe that there aren't any, but that's not true. As it is, there are too many. I'd list them, but I think that would probably be taking the site into territory that really don't need to go. And the listing of them would be just another way for me to feel bad about myself. Which I'm hoping to avoid tonight, but I probably won't manage it.
Was also reading about the "Oh fuck" moment with regard to sex. That minute when you know you've done something that you're probably going to regret...or at the very least you're not going to be proud of later....or is going to get your into trouble.
I don't know that I remember those moments too often because I don't know if I have them too often, but I certainly do remember the last one. I knew it too. I remember feeling it, I remember thinking that it wasn't what I really wanted or needed to do, I remember stalling. And I knew the minute I said yes that I was going to be in over my head. But I did it anyway because I wasn't all that sure how to get out of it, and in the end, I thought that it was easier to go through with it than stop it.
Wow. That's pretty awful, isn't it? It wasn't like it was awful. Truthfully, it was very good because he's always been very good at that. There wasn't any coercion; he would have stopped if I'd asked him to. I just didn't know how to ask him to. And like I said...it felt good. It wasn't about him at all. I just wasn't in the right place emotionally. If I'd listened to myself, I might not be here.
I don't know if I'm ever going to be in the right place emotionally. Ever. Again.
Which sucks some serious ass because right now ...I kinda think that's what I need outside of the hormones that are raging because I'm ovulating. Maybe just for a minute. To matter to someone. There are times when I really do think that anything...anything...would be better than this emptiness. That I could have worked with all of the rest of it--handled it, swallowed it, adjusted to it--if I knew that this was what was going to be waiting for me.
I think I'm going to grill some ribs this weekend. I bought some stuff to make macaroni salad when I stopped by the store. I wonder if I have enough gas in the tank? *sigh* Maybe I'll get some corn on the cob and put them on the grill too. Perhaps some zucchini and squash too. Anyone want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?
Thinking about deleting my myspace page.
May 22, 2008
Evening Update
Slept unwell last night. Figuring that it's going to be the same way again tonight. I'm already upset. If gas weren't $3.89/gallon, and I hadn't fixed a strong cocktail with no dinner, I would go for a drive to clear my head. Instead, I'm here, and I'm stuck with myself. Again.
I should be working on my letter to Louisville, but I'm not. Sabotaging myself. Good job.
I think it would be best for me to take an ambien. I'll be a very long while before it kicks in, but I can't see anything good coming out of the direction I'm taking myself. So. Yeah. Sounds good to me.
Beth, Mark, and I are going to see Paul Thorn Sunday night. We decided this evening.
Morning Update
I wrote about the Colorado trip yesterday. As well as some other stuff.
Slept like ass again last night. I've got to quit making myself upset before I try to go to bed. It does not make for a restful night's sleep.
I have to put together that letter for Louisville today. Don't really want to. But I will because it's a good opportunity. Also need to make a call about something to do this weekend. Then there's the application package for Wyoming. Gotta get on that too, although I'm pretty sure that it's not due until June 30th.
Y'all have big plans this weekend? My plans hinge on this phone call today. Regardless, though, I imagine that I'll be out at the MS Parents. There was some talk of heading down to Gulfshores to see Paul Thorn. Don't know. Guess I'll find out shortly.
Gas is now at $3.89/gallon here in Hattiesburg. I'm pretty sure that means that my sorta-kinda half-formed plans for the weekend aren't going to pan out at all. Simply because I don't think I want to pay to get there in addition to paying while I'm there. Supposed to be $4.00/gallon by Monday. Guess I'll go top off the tank. *sigh*
Have to go at lunch and see about finding some fabric paint or liquid embroidery to match this baby quilt. It's finally found a home, but I'm pretty sure they aren't naming their small fuzz "Mattie Elizabeth".
So, have I told you that I think Shan's sister-in-law's fiance is involved in illegal activities? When Shan was talking about him this past weekend, telling me what he did for a living...or rather what he didn't...in additional to the lifestyle he lives, my thought was, "Are you sure he's not dealing drugs or something?" Which I of course then said to Shan. She looked like I punched her, and both she and Eric said they'd never thought about that. Shan has since done a bit more digging (she works for a law firm) and has turned up some very interesting--and by interesting, I mean troubling--information. Shan is pretty sure that her sister-in-law doesn't know anything about the stuff she turned up today. *sigh* Like the family needs this right now? (there's more that I'm not telling you)
Evening Update
Details of the traumatic time in New Orleans.
It was a crappy day, and I am reminded why I hate that damn job. *sigh*
At any rate, I'm still feeling idiotic. Maybe even a little angry. I would like to wrap my hands around someone's neck and just squeeze until there's nothing left. I also feel a bit like I can't breathe, but I'm sure that's because I'm a tad bit stressed. It's typical of me.
Read this article this morning, and I suppose that it makes sense to me, particularly if you think about things a little too much. For those of you who don't click on links, the article says that women tend to get emotional when the orgasm is vaginal. I can understand that. It's not all that hard to rub a clitoris and make something happen. When you think about it. And really, it doesn't take a whole lot of trust to allow someone to do that to you. No real commitment to it.
But when we're talking about letting someone inside of you, and allowing them that close to you, it's a different ball game all together. I can see where that might evoke some emotion. It takes some real trust, and right now, I don't know that there's anyone out there that I would trust enough to have sex with. That's a hard thing to admit...for a lot of reasons. The prime one being that I'm a woman in my 30s with needs. As much as I want it (and god do I want it...we won't get into what I was thinking about yesterday holy criminy), though, it's not worth feeling bad about myself afterwards.
I suppose that it doesn't really matter since no one wants me anyway. They might say they do, but as Grandpa used to say, the proof's in the pudding. All things considered, I'm really not surprised. Being sweet and giving head only get you so far.
A cocktail makes things better, though. Or makes you not care quite so much. Another one is probably in order if I'm going to get to sleep tonight.
I suppose I should give y'all the details about the trip to Colorado, huh?
Saturday night was the baseball game and karaoke extravaganza. Sweet. Hot. Wet. Bald. Free. Pussy. For those of you who have never heard the song, this is one version...
Of course drank quite a bit. Sent some text messages I shouldn't have.
Sunday was the hiking. Thought for sure that I was going to die. Have a heart attack right there on the side of the mountain. I'm fat and out of shape. It was hard. But Eric was patient and kind. I suppose that all of those years with Shan has taught him patience. She turned back about 10 minutes from Gem Lake. We brought Bailey with us, which was a no-no. Doggies aren't allowed on the trail. There was an ugly confrontation at one point. I'm a big ass (in more ways than others) chicken, and all I could do was keep my head down.
On our way up, we passed a woman with one leg, maneuvering on crutches. It was at that point I decided to just fucking suck it up and go. Stop when I needed to but keep going. And that's what I did. Kept moving. It was worth it. After lunch, which happened after we got off the trail and not at Gem Lake (thank god, I would have yakked), we hit the Bridal Veil trail, but didn't finish it. We should have done it first. But we didn't. Shan said she was tired and didn't want to keep going right about the 2 mile mark. Apparently the last mile of that hike is where it goes straight up. I suppose that I'm glad we didn't go all the way because I was tired and starting to get sore, but I'm disappointed. When I set myself a goal, I'm pissed when I don't accomplish it.
After the hike, we went home and got cleaned up so we could go to dinner. We ate at Cipoletti's in down town Loveland. Lovely restaurant. Food was only so-so. Eric and I split a bottle of chianti, and when we got home, we had a couple of tumblers of Scotch. Shan bought Eric good stuff for his birthday back in April.
Speaking of birthdays...mine is in less than a month. For the first time ever, I think, I don't care. I really, really don't care. It doesn't matter. I suppose it never really mattered. Some folks just knew it before I did. Yet another reason to feel stupid.
Monday...we slept in. Shan and I went to downtown Ft. Collins to do a little window shopping. Had lunch with friends.
After that, Shan and I headed to Denver, where the art museum was not open. We headed over to the 16th Street Mall and shopped. I bought a super cute yellow shirt. We had cheesecake and cocktails. On the way back to the car, we passed through Civic Center Park. Oddly enough when we were beginning the day, Shan had said that Eric told her they were going to redo the park because it had become a haven for drugs and crime. As we were coming back through, I smelled that smell. Right there out in the open, with no fear, some Hispanic dude and his pregnant girlfriend, smoking a joint. I won't keep it at the house because I'm terrified of getting caught with it but some guy is smoking in the middle of the park? Criminy. I really am a big ass chicken.
We spent the night with Meta and Perry. She's not doing well. If you pray, please add her to your list. It's metastatic breast cancer, so it's never going to be good. It's seemingly worst-case scenario, though. She started chemo though, and they've opted for a more "aggressive" treatment because the cancer is apparently behaving more aggressively. She looked so old and frail. And was doing that lip-smacking thing that Grandma Alex did that drove me insane. (I know it's shallow but it's the gum chewing thing...and the reason I can't stand to wash dishes or utensils that someone else has eaten off of. It's my neuroses. I try to control, but it makes me ill)
I don't know how Shan is going to survive it. I really don't. I don't know how to help her.
I do think, though, that I'm going to go try to donate platelets again. Meta's levels were something like 1/6th of what they should be. It makes me feel guilty for at least not trying. I'm probably going to get rejected, but what if I don't and I didn't even try? That last time was just so incredibly awful, and I have such anxiety about it. *sigh* Probably give it a whirl this weekend.
No new tattoos or piercings. Shan wasn't sure if she really wanted to do it, so it was better that she didn't. Apparently I won't be getting any new piercings any time soon. Might be a slight infection somewhere. *sigh* Failure even at that.
I need to go to bed. Gotta get up and walk the dog in the morning.
Morning Update
Yesterday's pity party.
I slept awfully last night. I would have thought that it would have been better since I was in my very own bed, but no. Probably because I went to bed upset and was crying.
I don't want to go to work. I really don't want to go to work. Wonder if I can call Jason and tell him that I got bumped from my flight in Charlotte and won't be home until later this afternoon? *sigh* I, of course, will not do that, but it is a very tempting thought. Doesn't help that it's supposed to be hotter than hell today. What to wear? I did shave my legs last night, so I could wear a skirt. Maybe I'll wear a skirt.
I've got to get myself going if I'm going to get to work. Need to scrounge up some breakfast. I'm always amazed at the elaborate breakfasts that Shan has to have every morning before she can get herself together. In the Matthews house, it's get up, let the dog out, and then immediately have breakfast. It's not like eggs and bacon or anything like that, but it's bagels or ceral and fruit and something else. I just can't eat like that when I get up. I'm ready for breakfast around 9:00. Maybe 9:30-10:00.
So yesterday on the way home, I stopped in New Orleans to get something to bring home for dinner. I knew that Suzy said she was going to leave something in the fridge for me so I didn't have to cook, but it's New Orleans...home of really good food. I parked the car and was walking myself to where I wanted to go, and as I was moving down the street, some guy sitting in a chair on the sidewalk outside of a shop, reached out and grabbed my upper thigh as I tried to pass him. I'm not a confrontational person at all, and it might have been due to my general pissiness, but I said, "I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but you're going to take your hand off of me right this second or you're going to regret it." By that time a couple of other people had stopped, and I guess he decided that in addition to the pissed off fat chick, he didn't want to deal with them either. So he took his hand off of me, and I continued on my way. Little unsettling, though.
Anyway. I gotta get going. More tonight. Doubt there will be any updating at work because there will be plenty there to do.
Photographs should be found here. I will have to update with the nitty-gritty details later. Suffice it to say that it was a really good trip.
Because there was a lot of time in the airports over this last weekend and I forgot to pack reading material, I was reading what I had previously written in my writer's notebook. Some interesting stuff in there, but mostly, god damn, I'm such a stupid girl. This writer's notebook starts in October. I trust people; I let people in; I make myself vulnerable; I believe them; I have faith in them.
And the net result is that I shouldn't have done any of those things.
I think one day here real soon, I'm going to rip that notebook apart and burn it so I'm not reminded in tangible form of my incredible density. I can't get rid of the memories, though, and years from now when I'm in this same spot again, I'll remember it...and be just as sickened then as I am now.
I'm such a stupid, supid girl. When am I ever going to learn who I can trust and who I can't? I begin to think that it comes down to I just have to assume that nothing coming out of someone else's mouth is the truth...and that I can't have any expectations of another person and trust is for idiots. Cognitively I know that it's not really any way to live a life, but I don't know how else to make it through. I really don't. I keep hoping that people will be who I expect them to be, and I am so tired. I'm weary of giving freely and getting shit in return. I want what I give...and that is apparently entirely unrealistic. So maybe if I want nothing, if I give nothing, it will be better. If nothing is risked, then there's nothing to feel retarded about.
May 17, 2008
Ohmigosh what a good day! What a good night! I've had such a good time today, and I wanted to jot a little something down before I forgot about all of it because I've had a few cocktails.
Airport stuff is boring, so we won't talk about that. At least not until later.
The Rockies won! Up until the 7th inning stretch, everything was rather boring. For the most part, three up and three down, which does not make for the most exciting baseball game. But after that, the Rockies came alive. I love watching baseball. It is just such an amazing game. The fact that the Twins got beat makes it even better because the Twins aren't real high on my list of teams that I care about.
Things really got rolling, though, when we got back to Loveland and went to Charlie L's for karaoke. So much fun! Eric and I did Kid Rock's "Cowboy"...without the radio edits. I am somewhat embarrassed to say that I know all the words to that song. Perhaps the best was, though, when Josh (the karaoke guy) told me I was singing the last song of the night..."The Pussycat Song". In a bar full of drunk people, I'm singing about Sweet. Wet. Hot. Bald. Free. Pussy. *grin*
So much fun!
At any rate, that's the gist of it. Getting off of here before my battery dies.
May 16, 2008
OK. I think I'm almost ready. I've got just a few more things to do. I'm actually thinking that I can get everything in one bag, without needing to take the laptop bag, although I think I'm going to anyway. But the sleek black one, not the big bulky one.
Still doing laundry.
It was a reasonably good day.
Haven't heard from Nate. Will give him a call tomorrow when I get to Denver. I don't want to wake him. I know it's been a rough couple of days for them.
I could go to bed right now...because I'm going to have to get up early in the morning, but I have things to do. Things to do.
Some news on the job front. It if pans out, it would be a really good opportunity. It would be a move to Louisville, which I am not opposed to. I do enjoy Kentucky. There is, though, some sadness. What if I'm not supposed to be leaving here yet? What if I miss out on something? What if I'm not really ready to move on?
I really do not like change. I am a creature of habit, and I'm pretyt good at getting stuck in and being perfectly comfortable staying in ruts. Even if I know that the change is the best thing for me. And if this works out...it really could be the very best thing for me. It's a foot in the door of where I think I want to go.
Along with that, there's the job in Wyoming that I need to put together an application packet for. That would be a good opportunity too, I think. Another foot in the door.
I still hold out hope for New Orleans, too, although I've given up on Georgia. I kinda told Coach that, although I don't know if he totally believes me on that score. I think he holds out hope that I'm going to fall back into the pattern of me giving, giving, giving, with him reaping the benefits. It may be that I'm turning in to a bitch in my old age, but while I don't mind giving, unless there is some reciprocation, giving makes me feel hollow...and bad about myself. Like I've sold myself too cheaply. And maybe I have, but if someone is thinking about in the same vein I'm thinking about them, if they're wanting to make me happy, then that's OK.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is I want someone who is as considerate of me as I am of them. I don't know that's too much to ask. Then again...apparently it is.
(this is what happens when you make me tired and give me alcohol. I apologize. Sorry)
I've lost my brown sunglasses. That kinda pisses me off. I have brown ones for the earth-toned outfits and there are black ones for the non-earth toned outfits. The last time I remember having my brown ones is at Jazzfest. Which either means they are in Mark's car or they're in mine. I haven't searched my car too heartily, but....I thikn they're probably lost. I was going to buy a new pair Wednesday when I was shopping, but I looked and there was no selection. *sigh* I'm going to take my black ones with me, but I'll be looking for a pair when I'm in Colorado.
I want to send the boy a message telling him goodnight. There's something comforting in telling another person to have a pleasant sleep. Perhaps I shouldn't have made fun of Christine for her "have a good sleep!" wishes every night before the lights went out. *sigh* But I don't think I'll send the boy a message; he's on vacation. He doesn't need to hear from me.
Did I tell y'all that I took out the other piercing? I just felt like it was the best course of action. They are both healed now, which means if I were so inclined, I could get them redone. I'm pretty sure that I do want to get them redone. It's nice to wear whichever bra I want and not worry about whether a piercing is going to show through, but I also miss the decoration. I miss the feeling of them.
Anyway. I really, really need to go to bed.
May 15, 2008
Vacation can't get here soon enough. I'm not answering the phone anymore tonight, and I'm not going to answer any more text messages.
This morning around 10:30, I got a text from Beth that said "congrads, beth in fgh with chest pains room 4015". I just thought that she'd gone in this morning. It was stressful around about these parts, particularly if you were a teacher administering the state exam in the middle of a tornado warning. (recall that Beth teaches at Dixie, which is just slightly...very slightly...north of where a tornado touched down this morning) I finally got to the hospital on my lunch and learned that yeah, that wasn't quite the case.
Apparently yesterday afternoon she'd started having chest pains and numbness in her left arm. Her principal drove her to the hospital. She's home now, and everything is sort of OK. Or at least nothing is majorly wrong. No blockages, no need for surgery. But she does have to make some major changes, which she was getting ready to do. Her triglycerides were at 650, when they're supposed to be under 150. *sigh*
When I was out there at the pool the other night, she was talking about needing to get ready for the next 30 years. On June 1, she and Mark will have been married for 30 years, and she said it's not enough time. She wants 30 more with him. She'd set herself a date in her mind...on her anniversary the life was going to change. No more smoking (of any kind), but more importantly a better diet for Mark. She's been worried about his eating for a very long time. It's perhaps a bit poetic that when the big shock came with her and not him.
So. The smoking is definitely done, and the diet has to change. The doctor said no more cheese, and when she told me that, I thought she was going to cry. Exercise is going to change too. I guess it's going to be good for all of them...and me too.
Wake up call number one for me today.
And then, just now, I got a call from Nate. I'd talked to Amber last night, and she told me that her Achilles' tendon somehow ruptured. They were talking about deciding when to have surgery to repair it. We got cut-off, and I tried to call back. No answer. Because she was in the hospital. She had a clot in her aorta and two in her legs. She's in ICU at St. Mary's, and hopefully tomorrow they will move her to a regular room. (Sner...that means you should go visit this weekend) Nate said she'd been in the hospital a week or so, and that he'd call me tomorrow to let me know more. He wanted to call last night but Amber wouldn't let him...didn't want to worry me until they knew she was going to be OK.
I am such a bad friend. How much have I communicated with Amber in the last year? How much have I given to her? I know that I can't afford to give in the material sense, but friendship isn't about money. I can be a friend in other ways, and I haven't. Been too wrapped up in my own misery, embarrassed by the choices I've made and the place that I find myself. I know that my friends don't care about those things, and I shouldn't let it bother me either. Isolating myself doesn't honor the relationships that I have in my life.
So. I need to be a better friend.
Wake up calls number two and three for me today.
Talked to my friend Maurine today, and she's going to pick up an application for me tomorrow. I'll get it from her on Tuesday, and I'll get it filled out quickly. She's told her principal that she knows someone for the position that they will definitely have open. A friend is also picking up an application for me in Marion County. Six of one, half a dozen of another. I need a new job, though. With gas prices going ever higher and it just getting more expensive to live, I can't make it on my salary where I am...and I know that they're not going to give me any more. Plus I need insurance. I really need insurance.
I made my lists tonight for this weekend. I have the list of things to pack and the list of things to be done. I was going to do some of the things to be done tonight, but I didn't get around to it because I really, really needed to do some writing. So tomorrow night is going to be a huge rally to get me ready to be gone. I probably won't get to bed until really late. Which means I'll be tired tomorrow. *sigh* Good grief. The best laid plans, I guess.
Again, this is a time when I wish I wasn't alone. I'd like to be curled up next to someone solid tonight...it was a shitty day, I'm stressed out and worried, and as much as I love the pooch, I could use a shoulder to snuggle in to. I don't know who that would be, but it would be nice.
My left foot still hurts. Think I should probably not wear flipflops tomorrow.
For some reason Blackberry is on this side of the baby gate. Cobbler is not in her crate. Which means they're about six inches apart. Blackberry is growling, and Cobbler is whining because she wants to play with the little black dog. Every once in awhile, Blackberry with reach out with that right hook and hiss, causing Cob to jump back. It's cute. I really do think they want to be friends...it's just going to take place on Blackberry's terms or not at all.
I'm going to bed. There's so very much to do tomorrow. *sigh* I was going to write about the California Supreme Court decision, but I'm too tired. My head is too full of other things.
May 14, 2008
I am snaggley this evening. It's all do to the shopping expedition. I wanted to get a couple of shirts, maybe a pair of pants for my trip to visit Shan. However, shopping is always a hit or miss proposition. Tonight it was just about all miss. I found a couple of things, but nothing to write home about. And that pisses me off. Yes, I know I'm fat. I'm not the only one. I don't understand why clothes for all of us fat folk is designed to make us look like grandmas.
It's been raining here tonight. Not bad weather like they told us we were going to have, but icky.
Probably why I'm grouchy tonight.
Heard from Amber tonight. Apparently she has snapped her achilles tendon. That requires surgery to fix. That's not good at the end of the year. Poor thing. I don't envy her that experience. The end of the year is bad enough, but ugh. My left foot is hurting right this minute. I'm going to say that it's sympathy and not something like plantar facitis.
My neighbor last week told me that she hadn't had the gas company come out yet and turn on the gas so she has no hot water. Tonight she asked if I minded filling a bucket with water because the water had been turned off. *sigh* I think that's probably not a good thing, but I'm reserving judgement.
Tired, going to bed. Maybe more tomorrow.
May 13, 2008
Ughh. I went out to Beth and Mark's, spent some time on the island in the middle of the pool. Had a cocktail. Played some pool.
Did y'all know that Beth and Mark hope that Matt (son #2) and I get together? Apparently they talk about us all the time. They think that he and I are incredibly alike and neither one of us are willing to open our eyes. One of these days, though, they hope...
Funny.
I had a whole bunch I was going to write about tonight. I remember thinking about it as I was floating in the pool. I'm tired, though, and I have to get up early in the morning.
I got a text message late last night that said "these strippers have nothing on you." Which makes me smile. I can't remember the last time he drunk texted me. I really like him when he's sweet and funny. I miss that stuff.
May 12, 2008
Oh I am a tired fuzz tonight. I went out to Polly's and swam in the pool. For an hour. Sixty laps. That's a lot. It was good for me. It was good for the doggie, too. She ran around and barked and had a beautiful time. I slogged back and forth in the pool. Already starting to feel it in my shoulders. Nice.
I woke up tired. Residual from the benadryl taken last night to help control itching. That's one thing that I hate about taking drugs. The hang-over effect that happens the next day. Tonight should be a good sleep.
I didn't go for drinks with my friends this evening. I looked at my budget and decided that it wasn't in the cards for me. Which is OK. That's part of being a responsible adult. Making sacrifices when you have to. And that's what I did. Several people offered to pay, but. I have the tiniest bit of pride, and that won't allow me to let others carry my weight too very often. Now and again, it's OK because I know it evens out in the long run, but when I start feeling like it's all the time, then I get uncomfortable. I know they wouldn't have offered if they didn't want to, and Beth says when people want to give you things, you're supposed to say "thank you". It's still uncomfortable.
Besides, the swimming was good. I'm going out to Beth's tomorrow night so might swim in her pool tomorrow. Or I might just walk the dog in the morning and call it good.
I sliced up a bunch of strawberries earlier. Think they're probably ready for the eating.
Tomorrow is the boy's birthday. He's going to be 41. Poor thing. Haven't decided if I'll just text him or if I'll call and leave him the singing birthday message. Everyone gets the singing birthday message, so he should probably too, huh? If I had secret ingredient, I'd make him cookies. Although. I did make him cookies last year, and he never came to get them because he was too busy being a jackass. (the thing about secret ingredient...those of you who know what it is and have access to it...that means you should send some. Please)
There is yet another job to apply for. Shan thinks I'm crazy, and probably so, but yanno...so what?
Anyway, I'm really, really tired. Going to have some strawberries and take myself off to the bed. Y'all be good. I'll try to be better with the writing tomorrow.
May 11, 2008
I went to church with Beth this morning. At 8:00. *sigh* I didn't like it. Not because it was church, and I don't believe. But because it was strange. I think I've come to the conclusion that I like traditional church services more than contemporary ones. I like the hymns, and while the contemporary Christian music is OK, I don't want my entire church experience to be about that.
I also really, really hate the forced meet-and-greet thing. At this church it goes on for a LONG time. Long enough for people to not just turn to the folks around them and say good morning but to make their way around the entire sanctuary. Like...they're not going to bring it to a close UNTIL you've made it around the sanctuary. And at the end, every one holds hands, moving so you can hold hands with everyone, hands in the air, singing a benediction I've never heard. Strange. Strange. Strange. Then there was the hugging. Ughhh. The hugging. I don't like strangers hugging me.
On top of all of THAT, I didn't get the sermon. It was mother's day. You'd think that they'd preach something about mothers or family or women in the Bible or something. But instead it was about what kind of god is. Which is OK, I suppose, but it was this incredibly rambly thing that had all sorts of ancedotes that were no apparent connections. I was lost and confused and it because I was lost and confused, it seemed like the whole thing lasted much longer than it should have. *sigh*
But I went.
Came home and took a nap. Then I went out to Polly's where summer officially started today. In spite of the sun sensitivity, I put on a whole bunch of sunscreen and took off my top. I was the only one, but it's a secluded backyard. Why not? Didn't do a whole lot of swimming. I am itching now, but since I already had the benadryl and hydrocortisone cream, it's not all that unbearable. I think Cob and I will be heading out to Polly's for some freedog and pool work. I like swimming.
I need to go to bed. I don't want to go to work tomorrow, but I have to.
I know my writing the last couple of days has been less than inspiring. I'll work on that tomorrow.
May 10, 2008
I had a really, really good day today. Really good. My friend LK and I went down to the coast to get our hairs did. Our hairs look really good. We had BBQ and spent some time sitting on a fishing pier, watching the birds dive for mullet. Did a little hiking and sat and watched the bayou. There's a ton more, but not tonight.
I have to get up incredibly early because I'm going to the 8:00 service with Beth. Ughh.
Right now I'm slowly being driven insane. I've broken out in that fine rash again, and I itch like you would not believe. Ohmigod. I've taken Benadryl, and I think I'm going to get dressed so I can go to the store and get some hydrocortisone cream. This is insane. I have very fine blisters all over one arm, and over the other parts of my body there's that tiny bumpy thing going on. The itch is killing me. I think that I have polymorphous light eruption. I'm supposed to go to a pool party tomorrow. *sigh* Going to have to buy some better sunscreen I guess. And I'm going to have to figure out something stylish to wear when I'm hiking with Shan and Eric. Jeans are a given, but something to cover the rest of me.
Have I mentioned that this is killing me? Holy shit.
May 8, 2008
As always, you find yesterday's wonderings right here.
Just got done waxing my lip, eyebrows, and chin. I have to say that I really miss having Heather to take care of my hair removal once every 5-6 weeks. I really miss it. I can't, though, ever picture me going back to paying for that on a routine basis. Maybe every now and again as a treat, but I don't think that I could justify paying the $60-70 (or whatever it was) that often ever again. Particularly when $5 and 20 minutes of my time gets me almost the same results. I say almost the same because my eyebrows aren't perfect. I try. And I try. But. I fall short of the mark. Which is OK because professionals have long fallen short of the mark. It's been almost 4 years since my eyebrows were perfect. *sigh*
Since waxing my face, my vision is a little on the funky side and my head is killing me. I don't know what's up with that. It's all very strange. Maybe dinner will help. Totinos frozen pizza. Yum, yum, yum.
Almost had a lunch date today. Stupid boys didn't come back for me to take advantage of the offer. It would have been nice.
Something is seriously wrong with me.
Think I'm going to eat, try to finish watching Grey's and then head for my bed.
Last night's writing was all about relationships and connections and on-going bonds.
The dog and I went for a walk again tonight. I downloaded a new podrunner track before we went. Felt like I was really moving while I was walking, but I dunno. We went farther than we normally do, but my step count doesn't match up. I'd say that we were much closer to the 10,000 than it shows.
I was asked to meet friends for drinks tonight. I didn't go. The dog needed to be walked, and I can't afford to go out for drinks all the time. Priorities people. I have a trip to Colorado in a week and a half. Monday is supposed to be a girls' night out. I'm thinking about a new tattoo. Gas is $3.50/gallon. I like to dye my hair. Dog food, cat food, and cat litter are $10/bag. My pitiful salary just doesn't stretch that far. I know that my friends would have paid for me, but I hate feeling like I can't pull my own weight. So I didn't go. I probably won't go the next time they ask either. I'm seriously thinking about skipping the Girls Night Out simply because I could really use that $20 next weekend. $20 is groceries for almost a week.
I think the funk is starting to lift. About time, huh? I am still...at sixes and sevens I suppose. I still dond't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do, and that is anxiety-provoking.
I slept like ass last night. It was probably around 2:00 before I drifted off. I read a rather disturbing series of articles late yesterday evening, and they provoked all sorts of anxiety in me. We tell ourselves all sorts of lies and bury all sorts of things deep, hoping that they never make their way to the surface. We push things down and keep pushing because we don't have time to deal with them, don't want to feel them, won't admit how much of an impact they have. Those things never really work, though. Eventually it's going to come out, in ways and places that we don't want them to.
There are things that I have never told another living soul. I've danced around them and alluded to them and there's parts of the stories out there, but the entirity of it rests with me and within me. I'm not sure that I'll ever trust someone enough to let it all tumble out, particularly given the reinforcement I've had in the last couple of weeks, but I have to tell you, that I get so incredibly tired of carrying it and all of the resultant fear, distrust, and anger. Those lessons learned early--that I'm the only one that I can count on, that I'm the only one who is going to protect me--remain.
Guess therapy didn't do me a whole lot of good, did it?
The boy leaves tomorrow on a motorcycle oddessy. He's another one that I get the feeling I'm never going to see again, and that's OK.
It's 10 at night. Is it too late for me to bake cookies? and have ice cream?
I think another drink is in order.
Read this article today, and for some reason, it made my blood boil. It reminded me of my time at Dixie. You don't bitch about the kids who are in front of you. You adapt, and you teach the kids in front of you. If that means that you work harder, then you work harder and longer. That's why you're a teacher. You're not there just for the kids who have it together; you're there to help kids get it together, to give them a path to a different reality and possibility. That doesn't mean that it's not hard. It's SO hard. But that's your job. Dammit. It's not the student's fault, so get off your ass and accept what's in front of you rather than what you wish was in front of you.
I burnt the cookies. *sigh* I hate my electric oven.
I've not real clue what I said yesterday, but if you're interested, you can read about it.
It's been a really, really shitty day. I'm steadily working my way to the bottom of a cocktail, and I'm thinking I see a few shots in my future. All will be better shortly. (don't worry. I promise that I don't have a problem. I know all alcoholics say that, and I don't know how to reassure you that a lot of the time I'm all bark and no bite)
Coach called tonight. It is odd that he seemingly knows exactly when I need a little...reinforcement. Every time I'm hurting or bewildered or whatever, he's right there. While I was talking to him tonight, I was intensely struck by the thought that I'm never in my life going to see him again. That this--the odd phone call, a text message now and again, an email--is all there's ever going to be between us. As much as he says he wants to see me, he misses me, all of those sweet nothings...he's not willing to do anything to make that happen. And since I've reached the point in my life that I'm not willing to give anything to him anymore unless there's some reciprocation, that means there's no movement.
I'm tired of one-sided relationships and not all that willing to continue to give to those who won't make the slightest effort for me. I deserve people in my life who are willing to move the same sorts of mountains for me that I'm willing to move for them.
Once again, though...I talk a big game. Have we ever discussed the concept of "being in the circle" here? I'd be surprised if we haven't. I mean, I've been writing here for 5 years. I have to have at least touched on it once or twice, right? In case I haven't...
I don't know how it works for you or if you've ever heard of it, but I first became acquainted with the "circle" when I was with the Xboy. Early on, he told me that I was in his circle, and the only way out was if he decided I could leave. Sounds rather ominous, doesn't it? It probably was, given the level of dysfunction in that relationship. I remember once telling him that I was going to leave him, and he said I couldn't...the only way I could leave was if he wanted me to leave. (Yeah, I get that it's a little...creepy)
But the basic idea is apparently that once a person is in, they're in. You are loyal to them. If they need you, you're there. No one fucks with them. When they are hurt, you provide comfort, even if it causes you discomfort. Because they are part of your "family". Circle is synonymous with family. You can decide if you want some one to leave your circle, and people can leave it voluntarily. But just because they leave doesn't mean your bond is broken. Only you can make the choice to let people go free.
I apparently have a hard time letting people out of my circle. No matter how shitty folks are, I have a hard time letting them go. I suppose it's my own abandonment issues working overtime, but if someone that I once cared about, that I let in, is hurting or needing or whatever, I can't be a cold-hearted bitch, as much as I might want to be.
*sigh*
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
On a TMI note, I'm having an odd period. Just like last month. For a decade I've had rather clockwork-like period. Ever since I got off the hormonal birth control, everything went from haywire and erratic to regular and predictable. While I couldn't tell you when it was going to start, I could tell you all the other details about it. What each day was going to be like, how things were going to progress, when everything would end. All of that has gone right out the window. I've never experienced anything like I have the last two months. The change is not entirely unwelcomed. I suppose I need to go to the doctor. I know it's very, very bad of me, but I can't remember the last time I had a girlie exam. I guess I'll make an appointment for when I get back from Colorado. *sigh*
I was talking to Shan today, and I've decided what I want for my next tattoo. I don't know, but we may take care of that when I go to visit. She can get hers; I can get mine. Yay! I'm thinking about six inches long by two or three wide, down my left side. Maybe. At least that's the plan right now.
I finally, FINALLY got ahold of my hair girl today. I'm gonna get my hair did on Saturday. For once I don't have to get up at the crack of dawn to get my hair done. Although, I might still get up early so I can do a little shopping. Of course, there will be some late lunch at the Shed.
The doggie and I went for a walk this morning and this evening. We got our 10,000 steps in. Good for us.
I read some thing I shouldn't have read this evening. I actually think I'm going to be sick. And then I need to have another drink...or six...and hope I don't have nightmares again tonight. These are the times that I really, really, really, really hate going to sleep alone. I couldn't stop reading it. I had to read the whole thing, and now I think I'm going to be sick. I am never going to get to sleep tonight. Should have never clicked on that link.
Morning Update
The whole madcap Jazzfest experience was a hoot. Had a good time.
So, last night I was wondering how you tell when people are lying to you, and this morning, I've discovered one way...when they flat out contradict themselves. I have to say that I'm not really surprised. Disappointed. But not surprised. Why can't people just be honest? I know they think that they're being kind, sparing feelings and all that bullshit, but they don't get that when you find out that they're *lying* to you, it's worse. Nothing has been spared, and quite a bit has been lost. Little pieces of trust swept away with a few carelessly chosen words.
It's no wonder that I keep things to myself and don't let people in. What's the point?
Evening Update
Happy Cinco de Mayo! I forgot to say it earlier because I was too worked up, but I hope that you're having a lovely frosty beverage in order of the French defeat in Mexico. I'm not because there's no tequila in the house. Nor is there any Mexican food, although I'm considering making a quesadilla a little later in the evening. To go with a rum and sprite.
Came across this article today. I like to believe that when people are lying to me, they really mean what they say at the moment they say it. They say it, believe, and totally plan on following through on it. Something just breaks down along the line, though. I'm not sure that's anyone's fault. Regardless, though, it sucks when you're the person on the receiving end.
I feel like making chocolate chip cookies. I don't know exactly, though, that I want to go through that hassle, nor do I want to have all of those chocolate chip cookies hanging around the house. It's not like I need them. Too bad the Pastry Garden or something isn't open. I could go buy *a* cookie. The last oreos I bought hung around here for about a month and a half. The ice cream is still there. *sigh* One of those Kentucky Pies from McAlister's sounds good too. (this would be my period talking)
Cobbler and I took a walk this evening. We need to be walking morning, noon, and night before my trip to Colorado. We've decided to do both of the hikes. Which is fine. It's only 10 miles. We'll have 6 in the morning, a break for lunch, and then 4 in the afternoon. But I'm out of shape, and the altitude will be difficult. Shan makes enough snarky comments about fat people that I really don't want to be a disappointment on yet another score. *sigh*
A friend stopped by rather unexpectedly this afternoon. Haven't seen him in awhile. He was in the neighborhood for work, saw the door open, and thought he would stop. Cob was very fierce. She's been practicing her I'm-a-bad-ass-dog routine lately.
I still need my Tupperware and Pyrex back, those of you who have benefited from my largesse.
Afternoon Update
I have photos from Jazzfest up and ready to go. Unfortunately the actual update is going be much later tonight. I need a nap. For some reason last night, I kept having a nightmare. I'd drift off and then wake up in the middle of it. It's the same one. I only ever have the same nightmare. Haven't had it in awhile. I finally got up at 7 to let the dog out, and then could slept until about 10. I'm fixin' to get back in the bed for awhile.
More later.
Early Evening Update
OK. Where did I leave off yesterday? Y'all might want to grab yourself a cold drink and a snack. This is going to take awhile. Apologies in advance.
We got things started early, although we were about 45 minutes getting started. Cob was a happy freedog in the backyard running around with George. There were a couple of mishaps before we got going, though. Mark said something to Beth that pissed her off and necessitated a trip to the back porch. It was at that point that we found the snake. Beth had put two of her ferns on the ground to take advantage of the rain yesterday morning, and she was in the process of moving them when we saw the snake. Probably 2-2 1/2 feet long. Black with pretty green spots. Mark promptly killed it with a shovel, we had another drink, Tina knocked over the stand holding a few glass votive holders, and we were off.
There wasn't a lot to be told until we hit Slidell and the HB's fiance called Beth to see if HB had checked in. This would be what Beth calls a "stupid man trick". He was in New Orleans with seven other guys for a bachelor party that his fiance didn't want him to attend. Friday night, he checked in with his mother, telling her that he was back in the hotel by 9:30, but he didn't call or text his bride-to-be. Dip. Shit. Then there were calls from the HB pissed that his mom talked to his fiance and the fiance called again. *sigh* Drama. Drama. Drama.
Just a little interlude here--I don't understand why people can't have a little respect for each other. If you supposedly love someone, why do you treat them like shit? I understand there's more to this than that, but it's symptomatic. I mean, she didn't want him to go on the bachelor party. There were conversations about whether he was going to go to the strip clubs. Criminy. You know what that tells me? That you don't believe your partner is capable of making good decisions...that you don't trust them. But you're getting ready to marry him? Don't understand it.
Back to the Jazzfest recap.
We parked in a valet lot about a block from the track. It cost $35. The last two years, we've parked at a Catholic school about five blocks from the track...and that only cost $20. I wasn't paying, though, so what do I know. I bought my ticket because Beth and Mark gave the other ticket to the HB. Since I'd invited my friends along, I felt like I should be the one to pay more for the ticket. I don't know if that logic makes sense, but that's what I felt, so that's what I did. I'm kinda pissed about that whole deal because the HB didn't even bother coming to Jazzfest. Stupid. Man. Trick.
Once inside, Mark made a beeline for the stage so we could have a good spot for Jimmy Buffett. One of the bad things about Jazzfest is that there's so many good bands playing, so much awesome music to see, that it's really hard to actually see it all. If you want a really good seat for the headliner, then someone has to park out at that place. Everyone else can go, see, and do, but someone is getting screwed.
So Mark was busy getting to our spot, which was excellent, by the way..center stage, 3rd row of seats after the place where you were allowed to set up tarps and chairs...we were trying to negotiate our way on to the field. Beth, Tina, and Suzy were wearing galoshes, and while that was a good idea, they were not without price. Keep in mind it's New Orleans, and it was humid and hot. Feet encased in rubber. Need I say more? The mud was nasty, but you know...my feet have been dirty and nasty before, I'm sure they will be again, although like my friend Maurine said, "I'm a little worried about pinworm."
Maybe it's just me, but most of the vendors weren't at Jazzfest yesterday. It was very sparse. Not that I have bought anything at Jazzfest besides food and my hat, but I do always look. There were a couple of really cool artists, but mostly, it was disappointing. Mark and Beth paid $47 for a t-shirt. Good grief. I did not come home with a t-shirt.
The weather was rather ominous to start, and when we arrived at the race track, it sky was pretty dark. I thought to myself, this is going to be ugly later as the temperature rises with all of this humidity. I was right. It was too hot to eat really. And I was having a difficult time finishing that second snowball daiquiri. Just because the heat was not having a good time with my tummy.
The music was good. We missed the first band because we were wandering around, but the second...Roddie Romero and the Hub City All-Stars was a great zydeco/rockabilly band. Y'all know how much I enjoy that kind of music (big ol' Mumbo Gumbo fan). Eventually, I had to get up and start some dancing, even though I dance like a white girl. There should have been someone there to dance with me. The boy over-estimates my cuteness or he's just being polite because there wasn't anyone taking me up on the dancing. I did coax Tina out into the open for a spin around the sodden grass. She's a good zydeco dancer (dated a coonass in her past).
After that was the Dixie Cups. It's always a little interesting to watch the legacy acts. They're a lot of fun, but...I don't know. I'd rather see someone else.
The Subdudes were up next, and while I'd never heard of them before, they were lots of fun too. When they came on, the folks behind me told me to sit down because I was blocking their view. It's a concert. You're supposed to dance. Aren't you? I mean...aren't you? She was saying that surely I was going to get tired and want to sit down, but damn. It was a two hour car ride over. I sit on my fat ass enough. When there's music to make it move, why should I sit?
Before the Subdudes came on, my friend Maurine and her husband showed up. I met Maurine through the Writing Project. She teaches at Perry Central. We had some wide-ranging discussions, which included the fact that her school will be hiring next year, and she'd like for me to apply if I'm not going somewhere else. I'm considering it. We could commute together. There'd be someone to watch out for me. The problem becomes, though...I think she has some expectations for me that I'm afraid I can't meet. I wasn't a very good teacher. Really. I tried. But trying isn't the same as doing. I hate to disappoint folks, although lately it seems that's what I am. *sigh*
Before Jimmy Buffett came on, we got to watch the Derby on the big screen. Apparently the track in NOLA is owned by the same folks who own the track at Churchill Downs. It was very exciting to watch, although we didn't know anything about what had happened to Eight Belles. How awful.
Anyway. It was Jimmy Buffett that we were really there to see, and as always, he does not disappoint. He had a few very funny bits about the FLDS folks, at one point having his back-up singers come out dressed as FLDS women, and then doing the same himself when he performed "Get Drunk and Screw". I actually wanted to go see Kenny Wayne Shepherd, but when there are that many people in one place, once you're there, you're there. Forgot having to use the portapotties. You're stuck. I recorded most of the songs on my cellphone, and they came out well. I was thinking I could burn them to a cd for a friend who really wanted to be there but couldn't. However, they're not in mp3 format, and I don't know if I care enough to figure out how to get them from .apr to mp3. That's awful to say so maybe later in the week, I'll do a little investigation. He had Sonny Landreth playing guitar on stage most of the time. He's amazing.
Had a moment during the show. Buffett played "Come Monday", and I was sentimental and misty for a minute. The fist time I ever heard that song, it was on a cd that Coach put together for me that he entitled "The Road Home". He was really good at grand gestures like that. He was also another one really good at the pretty, meaningless words. Good at making me feel better in the short-term but ultimately left me feeling empty. So, when the song played, I had a moment and remembered that emptiness. Not that I needed the reminder; I've been feeling it for awhile now. Not specific to him...just in general.
Jazzfest ends at 7:00. Usually period. When we parked the car, the attendant told us to be back by 7:30 because they wanted to leave. However, Jimmy played longer than 7:00 this year. Because Mark wanted us to be back to get the car, we didn't get to see Jimmy do a song with Allen Toussaint. Instead, Suzy, Tina, and I were waiting in line at a water spigot to wash our feet off. Wound up talking to a guy from New York that was higher than a freakin' kite. He'd ask us questions, we'd respond, and he'd say, "What? I didn't understand you." I was like...I'm speaking English. I speak well. Clearly. Distinctly. No southern accent to muddle it up.
When we got to back to the car, Beth told us there was a spigot at the car lot that we could use to wash our feet off, which I took advantage of and managed to get myself soaked. Couldn't get the water turned off before I took the hose off the spigot, and when I did get the hose off, the water went everywhere. *sigh* Oh well. Had relatively clean feet.
I think I must have gotten a dud bottle of sunscreen or something. I put it on four times yesterday...and still I'm burnt to a crisp. I don't get it.
After a stop at a very fancy McDonald's in Slidell where I did a little flirting with a cute Golden Eagle Parrothead, it was on to the house. Sent a whole bunch of text messages that I probably shouldn't have. The music was good on the way home, though, so I suppose it's all good. When we got to Gumbo Acres, my baby was howling for me in the back yard. Poor thing. Since Matt went to work (around 4), she'd been out there by herself. As soon as I got her in the car, she was passed out.
When I got home, the puppy got the first bath. Freedog out in the yard with wet ground, rain, and god knows what else? Yeah, she was getting a bath. Then it was my turn. Half an hour later, all the scum of New Orleans was gone. It was a good thing I didn't have to drive home from New Orleans. I don't know what it is about being in bigger cities, but if I wear my contacts all day, by the end of it, they're covered in a film, making it hard to see. Things were a touch blurry on the way to the house from Gumbo Acres.
I'm not sure why I was having nightmares last night. I have no idea what put that thought in my head. Whatever, it sucked. Those are the times it really would be nice to have someone here with you.
The puppy ate unfamiliar food yesterday, which means she's got rot ass today. She's kinda funny about it, though. She'll poot, and then she turns around to sniff her butt, like she's trying to figure out what exactly has happened. *sigh*
Not related specifically to yesterday, but just something I've been thinking about...how do you know when someone is lying to you? I've never been good at figuring that one out. Obviously. I get the feeling that I'm not getting the whole story and that's frustrating.
Being sleepless last night has made today pretty much a waste. Since my period is trying its damnedest to start, I think I'm going to make a sweet, creamy cocktail and find something comforting to eat.
See y'all tomorrow.
May 2, 2008
Early Afternoon Update
There's stuff from last night, but I'm too lazy to create the link right now. Check under May's stuff if you're interested..
I have to remind myself that I have extremely high standards for myself when I'm in a relationship with someone else. Extremely high. And if those people that I'm in a relationship with don't behave the way I would, it doesn't mean that they don't care or aren't as invested or whatever. It still stings in the meanwhile, though. And it makes me incredibly angry. Mad enough to cry angry. Dammit.
Evening Update
Tomorrow will be here soon. It's a big day tomorrow. I went shopping this evening. Got a fleece at Old Navy for $2.13. It was mispriced on clearance, but since that's what the tag said, that's what they gave it to me for. SCORE. I'll take it to Colorado with me since it will probably be chilly when we go to the game and when we hike. Speaking of that, I need to look at the hikes that Eric sent me, decide which one I want to do. This is an option as is this. What do you think?
I hope the weather holds out for tomorrow. In case it doesn't, I have a rain poncho. I looked for galoshes, but didn't find any. Guess my clipflops are going to have to do it. I bought a pair of capris, but I think I'm probably going to stick with my denim ones. It's going to awful it rains and they get wet. *sigh* It's OK, but it's Jazzfest. It'll be fine. And if not...there will be alcohol.
Speaking of which, pineapple upside down shots are yummy, yummy, yummy. Did I mention they were yummy?
Evening Update
Not much to say this morning.
My head is full, but what it's full of, I can't write about here. Too many readers, too much vulnerability, too much ugliness, too much jealousy, too much darkness, too much. So yeah. My head might was well be empty. But it's not.
So I've been thinking about what I could write instead of all of those things that I'm full of, and nothing is really coming to me. I've done a few hits on the random prompt generator, and the only one that sparks is "describe the morning after". Except the I can't write about the one that I would like to because. There are too many readers, and I am too ugly.
In my search, I stumbled across this quote:
But pain… seems to me an insufficient reason not to embrace life. Being dead is quite painless. Pain, like time, is going to come on regardless. Question is, what glorious moments can you win from life in addition to the pain? --Lois McMaster Bujold
I think that deep down, I believe that we can't let our past hurts keep us from experiencing all that life has to offer us. You get knocked down, you get up, your rub some dirt on it, you get on with it. You figure out a way to pull the pieces back together, and you do your thing. If it's a particularly good stretch of days, you remember to trust that everything is happening just the way that it's supposed to and it's OK that you don't have a map and have no clue where you're going. One those particularly good stretches of days, you let yourself trust what people tell you, you believe that people are telling you the truth, that there's no reason to doubt. On those days, you believe that people are good and all that shit you went through was just another thing you needed to go through in order to get to where you're meant to be.
But then there are bad stretches of days when nothing makes sense...when it's all a cruel joke. When you can't believe a word anyone says because you've heard it all before and have learned that words are easy and ultimately meaningless. During those bad stretches, there is no light, no hope, no possibility, and you can't figure out when things are ever going to be better.
OK...maybe that wasn't that such a good idea. Crying is never a good idea.
(From the back yard, taken with the cellphone)
Early Afternoon Update
Last night's yuckiness, if you haven't seen it for yourself, can be found here.
I couldn't stop coughing last night. And I itched terribly. Took some Nyquil and a Benadryl, but it didn't help. Didn't turn drift off until around 2. I'm exhausted today. I've sorta been trying to figure out a way to get out of going to Jazzfest this weekend, and I think I may finally have it (this cold thing that's trying to take hold). Just when I've about decided that getting out and visiting folks would be good for me. *sigh* I will not give in to it. I'll skip tonight's Jaycee meeting so I can sleep (hopefully), but I won't give into the sickness.
There's nothing in my head right this minute. I'm so tired.
Last Updated May 31, 2008
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