March 2009
March 27, 2009
Evening Update
I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's been five hours and a dinner since I had two Mich Ultras, and I feel like I'm incredibly intoxicated. Stoned. Something. I haven't taken anything either.
I know it's been a long, draining day. But damn. In addition to the drunk/stoned thing, I feel like I've had the hell beat out of me. What's that all about?
There are things I need to get done tonight, but really, all I feel like doing is crawling in the bed and staying there for awhile.
Tomorrow is a busy day, too. In order to get ready to be out the door super early Monday morning, I have to get most of the things on my list crossed off tomorrow. OK...I don't have to, but I would certainly prefer to. The first thing is taking the car in to get the tires rotated and the oil changed. That means I need to get up and be at the car place by 7:00. Meaning I need to leave the house by 6:30. Then it will be out to pick up a few of the last minute things that I need in order to get ready. I need to pick up some doggie treats to take with my pup when I drop her off. And a toy for her new friend.
I've got the laundry going. The dishes are ready to be done. The house needs to be clean before I leave early (have I mentioned how early? Because I think it's going to be almost obscene. I want to be in DC before rush hour traffic starts, which means I'm only the road by no later than 6:00. It's gonna be worse than a regular school day.)
Today was rough. My friend was back today. The plan was to move her out today. But he came home, and I don't know what happened after that. Counseling her through that, though. Helping her figure out what step to take next, how to take it, etc. I remember talking to other people about those things. I remember driving the moving truck. I remember shawshanking shit. And I'm glad I didn't have to do it this evening.
More tomorrow. Going to bed with my doggie now.
March 26, 2009
Evening Update
Kind of a terrible, awful day at work today. One of my colleagues needs to make the decision to leave her husband. He's an alcoholic and abusive. And she needs to leave him. But she can't yet. She waited so long to get married. All her life. She waited for the right person. And she got it wrong. It's one of the hardest things to admit, that you were so wrong about someone and something.
I get that. I understand that. I've been there. I've done that.
I can't remember that terrible pain. In her office, holding her into my side, rubbing circles on her back as she choked on her grief and pain. She literally couldn't breathe. The intensity of her emotion was terrible to absorb. Gave her a Xanex and eventually she calmed down. But the pain. It remained.
I don't remember the awful rawness of that emotion. I can't remember if it was that bad when Dax left. I don't recall if when I finally realized the situation with Coach hurt me more than it brought me happiness, I experienced that shocking intensity. I know that the boy hurt me terribly this fall. And I cried. And cried. And cried. And it hurt. Take-my-breath-away hurt. Lay-in-the-bed-and-not-want to wake-up hurt. Hurt.
But I don't remember, if someone had been with me, if it would have been that terrible I-can't-breathe emotion. I may put it out there for everyone in the world to see here, but when it comes down to it, in that moment, I can't handle having someone around me. I can only fall apart if there's no one to see it. And even then...I'm always afraid if I go that far, I'm never going to be able to get myself together.
And that makes me wonder...as painful as it is for me...if I can't fall let go even in that moment, how in love am? I remember thinking that with Coach, and I remember thinking, what's wrong with me?
But I love him.
She asked me a question this morning, and I didn't know how to answer it for her. I know how to answer it for me, but I know that it would sound hollow. It is enough for me, for now. The answer.
But I can't talk about it here yet because I have to talk to him about it first. And I'm not ready to talk to him yet. He's been hurting me for awhile. The same way he's always hurt me. The same thing we've talked about. And I don't know how to say it...again...without sounding like a petulant 12 year old. I can handle the big stuff. It's the little thing that really isn't a little thing that reduces me to nothing.
And I'm not ready to talk about it yet. Again.
Tomorrow is Friday. Even though it's the day before spring break, I've got a ton of stuff to do. The first of which is to check the math that English teachers have done.
I've been feeling invisible lately. Like I'm talking and no one is listening. So I think it's time to quit talking.
March 25, 2009
Evening Update
I am not a poet. I do not like poetry. I don't think I'm good at writing poetry. But. This is what I came up with this morning instead of listening to endless information about testing security.
Spring Storms
Drizzle briefly woke me early this morning.
I turned, looking to the window,
As if I could see the sheets draping through
the curtain and blinds,
The space on the far side of the bed,
empty
Where you would rest.
Pivoting back into my spot,
I miss the security of your body,
warming,
holding,
protecting,
loving me.
The pillow is slightly damp,
washed with the
Earlier flooding of my soul.
Before I flutter back to sleep,
I wonder…is it raining
in your bed or
am I really
Alone.
See. Not so good at the whole poetry thing. Not at all very good.
I woke up this morning thinking that it was Thursday. I was pissed when I realized it wasn't. I was in the same rut last week. I was one day ahead. Can't tell you how much that sucks. I really do wish that tomorrow was Friday.
My back is killing me today. I think that lifting the vacuum is what did it, but I hurt from my neck to my tailbone. And when I say hurt, I mean...hurt. Like, "God don't send me up the stairs today because it's going to kill me."
There was a fabulous dinner at my house this evening. Asparagus sauteed in olive oil and garlic, fresh feta, fresh pitas, a mixture of olives, radishes, tomatoes, wine. There is either baklava or a cheesecake thing for dessert. If I can make it that long.
Given my recent obsession with finding the perfect eyeliner, I thought this was an interesting article. Why is it that I'm obsessed with finding the right eyeliner? Why do I care? Tonight when I went to Target to look for an alarm clock (I didn't find one I like), I browsed the make-up and picked up a set of eyeshadow brushes. I carried them around for a little while and then put them back because I thought, what is wrong with me? I don't wear eyeshadow...except for that wash of the neutral stuff I use to soften the eyeliner. Look at me using the lingo. A "wash" of eyeshadow. What's wrong with me? I'm a simple kind of girl. Powder, red lipstick (with a fleshy lipliner underneath), maybe some bronzer on the cheeks, black (or sometimes brown) eyeliner, maybe a neutral eyeshadow, and black mascara. But I'm spending a lot of time and effort on those little things. Bought an eyelash curler at TJ Maxx last night because mine died.
What is wrong with me?
Also read this article this afternoon and am wondering about what to do with it. I keep thinking that I'd like to do some tomatoes or something like that in a pot on the deck. The problem is, though, that I won't be home for a month this summer. Prime growing and tending time. What then? I think my current plants are doing OK. Last night, Cob chased Blackberry around the apartment, knocking three plants off the end table. One of them essentially had to be repotted, and it's one that has been struggling Hope it makes it, but I'm not all that confident. I think the cane tree and the philodendron are not getting enough water. I keep forgetting that they are big plants, which means that they need a lot of water. Once a week probably isn't enough.
And then I read this article about Art Spiegelman. I'm not a comic book fan, but I think I'd like to take a look at the book. I know that my students loved his more conventional work, and that reminds me that we need to get some copies of Maus to use as examples of memoir for next year's unit.
I have a date Saturday night. Unless I can figure out some way to get out of it between now and then. I kinda really did want to go see Junior Brown in Lexington, but I blew him off a while back because I was in Lexington for a show. Since he will have driven quite a ways to get here, I doubt the thought of being in the car for an hour would be appealing.
I'm going to worry about it tomorrow and Friday.
March 24, 2009
Evening Update
The weather is changing. I feel like hell. Had a moment after work when I was worried that I was going to pass out. The numbness in my legs and lower back are present now, and that concerns me some. Not quite sure what to do about that. Yes, I need to go the doctor. I know. I don't want to go back to the doctor I saw earlier this fall, though. So. Not sure what I'm going to do about that. Really tired tonight. Gonna take myself to bed here in a few.
The day has been OK. Kinda gross at the end. Not sure what to do about that, although I have figured out what I'm going to say when I have to say. I was hoping that I could take care of it this afternoon, but the other person couldn't leave fast enough. Not surprising.
Still a little upset about some other things. Not quite sure how to get over that.
Have been reading the guidebooks the boy sent me. A plan for the week is beginning to take shape. I'm gonna have to get up ungodly early a couple of days because it appears that it's going to be a hike to the metro station and on a couple of days, I need to be at my destinations 7:30 or 8:00 in the morning to get tickets.If I were smart, I'd have reserved those tickets two weeks ago,but I'm not always the smartest person around. I'm starting to feel better about the evenings. I know what I'm going to do if I can't find somewhere near the hotel that is "safe".
If I were such a girl, I'd use spring break as the perfect opportunity for a one-night stand. Don't think I'm that kinda girl, though.
Taught for a little while this afternoon. It is amazing to me the difference in the way that the students treated me and the way they treat their regular teacher...and how they immediately went back to the way they'd been when he walked back through the door. *sigh* I feel bad about the whole situation, but there's nothing to be done about it now.
This morning when the alarm went off, I apparently at some point, I threw my phone across the room. I don't remember that, but when I woke up, the phone was over by the dog crate. Not at all where I'd left it. Strange. Very, very strange. If I'd felt better on the way home tonight, I would have stopped by Target or somewhere like that and picked up an alarm clock. I think it's probably time for me to have a back-up to the cell phone.
So, last week, I bought a Kat Von D eyeliner because I needed a new liquid eyeliner. The cheap ones I'd tried for whatever reasons weren't working well for me. The sales girl told me it was a good one, and just because Kat Von D is kinda cool (although I confess, when I listen to her talk, I want to bang my head against the wall), I bought it. It makes a great, precise line and the color is amazing. But. The transfer was awful. Within half an hour of putting it on, most days, it was starting to creep up my eyelid. I tried an eyelid primer and still had the problem. I reluctantly took it back. At $16, I'm not keeping something that doesn't do what I need it to. For some reason, though, I resisted doing it. Not quite sure what that was about.
Picked up an Urban Decay liquid liner yesterday when I was returning the Kat Von D. Today it worked pretty well. The brush isn't as fine, so the line isn't as precise, but the color stayed where I put it, and that's a HUGE plus. By 4:30, it was just starting to transfer a little, which I suppose is OK as I put it on around 6:00 that morning. I'm hoping that it continues to be that good.
Did anyone watch the President's press conference this evening? I confess that I missed it. Perhaps on purpose. I'm tired of the bitching and whining and moaning. I'm tired of people that I respect turning into one-trick ponies who only know one song in one key. I wanna know where they've been the last eight years because they certainly weren't leveling the intensity of vitriol at the last spendthrift President.
Turning in. Can't keep my eyes open.
March 23, 2009
Evening Update
Been awhile, huh? Sorry.
Went home to Mississippi this past weekend. It was Parade weekend in Jackson, and while I probably should have saved the gas money, that was really all I had I to spend. A very, very fast trip. I was in the car headed south by 3:40, which means I was pulling in to Brandy's around 12:30 her time, which was after a 20 minute or so visit with Santa. With that visit, Cob got to fulfill her as of then unrecognized lifelong dream of being a drug dog. Santa's partner was more than happy to take her around to all the cars and let her sniff to her hearts content. Interestingly enough, some folks left. Funny. I was a little incredulous that folks didn't notice her PINK doggie leash and nonregulation training collar. Or that she got out of my car. I suppose those kinda folks aren't the brightest bulbs on the trees.
Saturday, we got up, and headed up to the parade. We got a little bit of a late startand were in place about half an hour before the motorcycle cops started turning in circles. Being so late meant that we did not have the greatest spot, but as Brandy said, part of the fun of the parade is watching the people...not necessarily the parade itself. We were too far back to catch many throws and by the time the "real" parade rolled, people were in the street so instead of being 15 feet back, we were 30 feet back, meaning we weren't going to catch anything at that point. That's OK. We both have enough crap that we really didn't need anymore.
After the parade, we went to Keifer's for lunch, which has become *my* parade transition. We had good food. Such good food, that tonight, when I went to the store, I bought fresh feta, an assortment of olives, and some tomatoes Then I made my way to the pita bakery and got fresh pitas. I could live off of that stuff. I bought asparagus but forgot to buy radishes. Dammit. So yummy.
On the way back to the 'burg, we had to stop and buy gas in Collins. Brandy went in to get a drink while I was pumping gas, and while she was paying, she happened to overhear the cashier tell the person on the other end of her cellphone conversation, that she was only going to stay with her boyfriend through the end of spring because he'd promised to buy her a new toof. Not a tooth. A toof. Apparently this is what I've been doing wrong. I wasn't staying long enough to get the new toofs. Dammit.
We made it back home with just enough time to get ready for a small gathering of friends at Brandy's house. Maurine was the first to arrive, and she kinda had a baptism by fire, although I'm pretty sure there was no groping of breastes while she was present. Then it was Alese and Billy and Nichol and Aaron. Not a lot of people, true, but then again, I don't know that I ever need a lot of people. I'm pretty low-maintenance that way. If we pull things together, we pull things together. If people want to see me, they want to see me. I'm not going to badger them into spending time with me. Party went on until about 12:30-1:00 in the morning. It was at that point that I needed to pack it in.
Plus...I had a horrible headache. Allergies are killing me. I should see about an antihistamine or something.
Got up early-ish Sunday morning and made my way to Polly's for breakfast. It was so good to see her! I never hear from her, but we spent a good hour or more talking and catching up. Met her boy. Seems like a really nice guy. I'm glad that he treats her well and that she's happy with him.
After that it was on to Beth and Mark's for a quick visit. I was there about an hour and was heading back to Kentucky by 1:00 my time, which put me into the apartment a little after 9:00. Made really good time. No real incidents except for the creepy late model GMC Sierra that started following me/tailgating me/trying to block me in around Bowling Green. I don't know if he thought I was attractive or what. He tried to catch my eye several times but I wasn't looking at him. He would get ahead of me and then slow down. If there was a situation where I needed to go around someone, he would leave me room. Did that all the way to 265, which I found pretty creepy. (never fear, I had his license number and I was prepared to call)
So. I didn't tell The Boy that I was coming home for the weekend. There was a very specific reason for it. Actually a couple of reasons. The primary one is that the parade is a Big Deal (capitals intentional) for him and his friends. It's something he looks forward to all year long. He has this whole history and tradition that is imbued in the parade. Knowing how important it is to him, I didn't want to have him forced, if you will, to make a decision between his friends and all of that history and me. Even if he might have been happy to share that with me.
Plus, we've said for the last two years that we're going to hook up at the parade, and it never quite happens. I enjoy seeing him and spending time with him so much that to anticipate it and not have it happen would have crushed me. I miss him terribly, and I'd rather wait then be disappointed.
Neither of those reasons are fair to him, and I recognize that fully, but those are them.
So. There it is.
And I feel particularly terrible about it now because today in the mail, I got this wonderful present from him. Everything about it was thoughtful. And because he's still pissed at me, I can't say anything that remotely resembles the right thing. Which kills me because I didn't mean to hurt him.
It's kinda taken all the wind out of my sails. There were other things I wanted to say, but it'll have to wait because I'm not in the mood now.
March 19, 2009
Evening Update
I should have taken a pill an hour or so ago. I don't know if I'm ever going to fall asleep tonight, even though I'm tired.
I'm feeling a bit panicked this evening. I'm not exactly sure what's going on.
I'm going to see the dermatologist on April 9th. No clue how much that is going to cost me, although if it was like going to see the gynocologist...for everything, it was $10, which is my office copay.
There are lots of thoughts swimming around my head, but there's not a lot I want to talk about here tonight. Panicked and a little...maybe a lot...sad tonight. Good thing there's a road trip coming up to do a little thinking.
March 18, 2009
Evening Update
It was a long, gross day, and I'm so very tired. Things have started to bloom in Louisville, and my allergies are killing me. I could deal with the sinus issues. The eye issues are what irritate the piss out of me. My right eye is particularly gunky...and when I say "gunky", I mean gunky. All day long my vision has been blurred because of "gunk" floating across my eyeball. Makes it inconvenient when you are say completing tasks like driving.
There is barely controlled chaos at work. Truly awful. One of the teachers said that as soon as the kids realize that they outnumber us, we're going to be toast. And that may well be true.
All I have to say is that I'm glad I'm getting the fuck out of town this weekend. It'll be good to be back amongst people who love me.
Went to the hair dresser this afternoon. I wanted the brighter red, but she already had the coloring matching my roots mixed up when I walked in the door. *sigh* Guess I'll wait until I can see Doug to get that taken care of. I'm kinda in a funk about that visit, too. Not that my hair doesn't look good because it does. Just that she told me that I'm losing my hair at an alarming rate. She said that I've lost volume since the last time she saw me in January. *sigh* Her recommendation is to begin using Nioxin again. She kept telling me that I have lovely hair, though. *sigh*
Then she told me that it felt like the mole behind my right ear in my hair was growing.
So. I sent a text to a couple of colleagues for the name of a dermatologist. I have a couple of names, and I'm going to see about calling tomorrow to get an appointment. While I'm going to talk to Cousin Doug about the hair loss thing, I'm also going to ask the dermotologist about it as well. The mole hurts a bit, but I'm sure that's because I've been poking at it since she mentioned it.
I don't have to be at work until 8:00 in the morning, and when I go in, I have to go to the professional development center that is literally three miles down the road. That means I'm going to sleep in at least an hour.
To get the most benefit out of that, I need to get myself into the bed soon. Which means I need to wash my face and brush my teeth.
Gonna have to go get some allergy meds tomorrow. My eyes are killing me.
March 15, 2009
Evening Update
Today was a lazy day. I feel like I've eaten most of the day away. I got up around 8 to find that the doggie had once again eaten the cat fud. We're suffering those after-affects, having sprayed febreeze liberally several times throughout the day. It's just awful. Ugh.
I made breakfast. Egg, sausage, French toast, mimosas. I'm not a big fan of breakfast in general, so I think it's rather interesting that I've taken to making breakfast on Sunday mornings. Breakfast and mimosas. I suppose it's not a bad way to greet the day.
I love Sunday mornings. Just kind of that lazy entry into the day. I like making breakfast. I like sitting and reading the paper. It's Sunday afternoon/evening that I don't really care for. If I could skip across it right to Monday morning.
I hear most folks have gotten their St. Patrick's Day cards. Interesting to me that it takes the same amount of time to send a letter to Hattiesburg as it does to send it to Reno. The logic of that confuses me a little, but I've not had enough to drink to night, which means I'm not going to let it bother me a whole lot.
Gotta go to bed. *sigh* Just took a melatonin, which probably wasn't the smartest idea. I really have got to get another alarm clock. It's too easy to turn off the alarms on my cellphone and not know that I've done it.
March 15, 2009
Early Morning Update
I need to update, but I'm not feeling it just this minute. I spent the morning shopping (got some really good deals), and then I spent the evening cleaning. And giving myself a pedicure. It's been a long time since I gave myself a pedicure in the kitchen sink. I used to do them every week while Dax was playing video games in the living room with Nick and Jason or out on the basketball court. I need to get some cuticle remover and some cuticle nippers. Then I'll be all set to give myself pedicures and manicures. The cost isn't much, but $45 every month for a pedi/mani once and a mani...that's money I can use elsewhere. Right now I'm wearingsomepink moisturizing socks while my feet soak in the stuff. Tomorrow I need to do the polish. Gonna go with green instead of the color I've been using since October.
I got some good deals while I was out shopping today. Got a lamp for the bedroom. Got a pair of shoes and a bag for DC. There's something else I need, but I can't remember at almost one in the morning what it was.
This afternoon I started thinking about the good news that I got earlier in the week...wondering if I'd read things right. Doubt started to creep in. So this evening, I got around to re-reading thing and lo and behold...I got it wrong. There were two messages. I got the second one first. If I'd gotten them in the correct order there wouldn't have been any confusion. But I didn't get them in the right order. And now I feel stupid. Totally my fault for not realizing what was actually being said.
I should have known better, and now I do. I tried really hard to not let myself get too excited about the whole thing, and what I'm feeling now is really more about embarrassment. I mean...how stupid to have gotten it wrong. It's funny because I remember getting the firt message and wondering why the first letter wasn't capitalized. My sick brain at work; I wonder about such things. I just wanted it to be the other thing. Good thing I didn't let myself get too worked up over it.
I still feel dumb, though.
Made cashew chicken for dinner last night. The recipe I used called for too muc white pepper so I had to cut it with additional sugar. Other than that, everything was right on. I used my new little cast iron dutch oven to fry the chicken pieces, but I forgot that grandma had given me a small cast iron deep fryer...complete with basket. I realized that as I was finishing things up. *sigh* I'm going to rememberthat the next time I make the dish. Which won't costme quite so much because I have most of the more expensive ingredients on hand. It tastesjust like what I could buy in Springfield. I swear.
I have a hair appointment on Wednesday. Think I'm going to ask her to do all of it in the brighter red. Irish eyes and all, but just because I feel like maybe I need to be brighter right now, more noticeable. I am amazed at how much silver is in my hair. This year has really taken its toll. Which sucks. Still not ready for highlights again, though. I don't want to eventually be a blond.
My Sner needs to come visit so I can get my chair refinished. I washed the cover I bought, and it still sucks. I think that if the cushions got individually redone, things would be better. I could cut material so that it could be stapled. Unless I do a professional thing, I've gotten the idea that there isn't really anyother option.
March 12, 2009
Evening Update
I woke up late again this morning. Not terribly late. I had time to take a bath but not time to really do my hair.
That last period of the day is just a trainwreck, and it kills me going in there. It's a cacophony. My head starts to ache within minutes. After today, it appears that I'm actually going to have to teach that period. I've got some worries about that, but there are too many people here reading. So I'll keep them to myself.
I'm tired. My body is aching, particularly my hip.
I miss my boy. After a day like today, I wish he was here. Or I was there. Or something.
March 11, 2009
Evening Update
I started reading a book last night called The Burn Journals. It's a young adult novel about a 14 year old who tries to commit suicide by lighting himself on fire. True story.
As I was reading it, I was uncomfortable, but I couldn't quite put my finger on exactly why. Then I remembered that my brother tried to kill himself. By setting himself on fire. How do you forget something like that? I mean...really? The book is a pretty intense read of the pain that author goes through during his rehabilitation. He was burned over 85% of his body. I can't remember the percentages for my brother. Not nearly that much. Mainly just his face, arms, hands, chest. I almost feel bad about not knowing or remembering the specifics, but I don't think that it's any secret I don't want a lot to do with my brother.
I got some very happy news this evening. I'm cautiously optimistic that things are going to come together. I can't tell you how happy that would make me. Just...so very happy. Which means I've got to get myself together.
I need to get to bed. Lots of stuff to do tomorrow.
March 10, 2009
Evening Update
It's been a long day. I woke up 21 minutes before I was supposed to be at work for morning duty. Ugh. It was running from then on out. Suck, suck, suck.
I've felt kinda sick all day. It's funny how you think you've dealt with your issues and then they come roaring back to life. Mine are in full effect today. I feel terrible. I feel guilty.
I don't understand how you know what people in your life you can trust. I have a difficult time as it is knowing how I can trust. I am never quite sure who to trust as is. But people who you think you can trust...people who seem like good people for such a long time...and then they turn out to be slime balls. How do you know? How do you go out into the world, trust people enough to let them into your life, share your most intimate moments with them? How do you know that they're going to be the same decent person they are today...tomorrow?
I don't understand.
March 9, 2009
Evening Update
Made my way to the dentist this afternoon. Overall, I'd say it was a positive experience. I did have a tiny cavity that was filled. When I say tiny, I mean tiny. It took literally 3 minutes to fill it. That was with the drilling and everything. He told me that I really need to use a mouth/bite guard every night. Of course my insurance does not cover that, which means I have to pay out of pocket. For an acrylic one that is designed for my mouth, it's going to be $500. I do not have $500 right now. He said that in the meantime, I can use the the ones that you buy at Walgreens, etc, but that eventually, I'd want to get one made for me. He said that it was imperative I start using something now because I'm beginning to wear through my crowns...and they're not that old. My teeth aren't being worn down yet, but the crowns are getting thin.
As far as dentists go, he was nice. Didn't make me feel bad for having not been to the dentist in two and a half years and didn't give me too difficult of a time about my lax flossing habits. He did tell me that I needed to make sure that I was using a flouride rinse. *sigh* He was surprised at how clean my teeth were, and my cleaning was about 20 minutes. Not a lot of scraping.
Going to the dentist is an anxious thing for me. I always feel like I should apologize for not having made it to the dentist until I was 15...and then for the state of my teeth when I finally got there. When you can't afford it, though, you can't afford it. My visit today was $90. That was $10 for the xrays, cleaning, and exam; $80 for the filling. That was with my insurance, which I pay $26/month to have. I don't know what it would have been without my insurance, but I know it would have been enough that I wouldn't have gone unless I was in terrible pain. I'd brush and floss and use a mouthwash, hoping it would go away. I mean...this mouth guard is going to cost me $500. How do people afford stuff like that?
All of that reminds me that I need to go to the eye doctor. That's another $100. *sigh* And while contacts are cheap, I think I probably need to get new glasses. I like my frames so I'll keep those, but my prescription is so bad that lenses aren't cheap.
I suppose it's only money, right?
My internet access is still screwed up. They're supposed to come again tomorrow to "fix" the problem. I'm not sure how that works. I told them I wouldn't be available until after 4:00. They said they'd put me in all day and will call half an hour before they come. Yeah, I don't see that helping me much.
I've lost my pedometer. I don't know what happened to it. I'm hoping that it's in my office or something like that. I had it clipped on and the next thing I knew, it was gone. *sigh*
I bought some melatonin when I was at the store tonight buying my flouride rinse and my goldenseal. We'll see how that goes. My doggie is already passed out.
Today is Barbie's 50th birthday. I loved Barbies when I was younger. I remember that I usually got one for my birthday and Christmas. I had some accessories for Barbies but not many. I didn't have a lot of Barbie clothes, and I always lost her shoes and earrings. I remember going to a doll show with my grandma Alex and really wanting some dresses for my Barbies. i can't remember if I got them or not. I do remember a discussion about how if I was to get a Bob Mackie Barbie, I wouldn't be allowed to take her out of the box and play with her because she would be a collector's item. I really wanted one of those pretty dresses, but I didn't want it if I wasn't going to be allowed to play with it.
Like I said, I don't remember having a lot of accessories, but I do remember having a Barbie bubble bath that I loved. I'd set that thing up and push the plunger on the side that would make "bubbles" like Barbie was in a jacuzzi. I find it strange that the bath was all about little girls getting Barbie naked and getting a more upclose and personal view of a completely unrealistic view of female beauty. Because it was a *bath*. Not a hot tub. Very strange.
I also never really had any Ken dolls. I think I had maybe two? And probably 20-30 Barbies? Very strange, now that I think about it. I had none of the Skipper or anything like that either.
March 8, 2009
Evening Update
I've been having connection issues for the last couple of days. They came out this morning to supposedly fix it, but I don't know if they really did anything to fix it. We shall see, I suppose.
I suppose that it's been a good weekend. The weather was lovely. The doggie and I took ourselves off for a hike at Bernheim Arboretum and Forest on Saturday. It's been while since she and I got ourselves out and really went to town on the whole hiking/walking thing. It's been cold, and it's dark when I get home. So we haven't gone. I suppose that the switch away from Day Light Savings Time will help us with that. We've walked every day since Thursday.
While we were at Bernheim, I made the decision to join. It's about 13 miles from the house (across the road from the Jim Beam distillery), and it costs $5.00 to get in on the weekend. An individual membership is $35. So if we make it out there once a month, the membership is worth it. Other than that, though, it's a place that I think is worth my financial support. I really like being outside. I like having somewhere that is set aside just for natural pursuit and recreation. Conservation. There's plenty to do, although we just hiked for two and a half hours.
Have to say that I kinda felt like a real, bonafide grown-up as I was writing the check to cover the membership. I'm not sure why. I've given my money to support causes that I believe in before, but this is the first time I've done something like this. It felt different, although I can't really define why. I know that makes no sense, but there it is. It's pledge time on PBS, and I've been watching quite a bit lately. Have been thinking about becoming a member there too.
Speaking of the doggie, she's much better. She was better the next day in fact, which makes me feel a little foolish for having spent the $100 at the vet. *sigh* It's like nothing has ever happened.
I remembered what it was that I wanted to talk about a few days ago but couldn't for the life of me remember. It's freecycle. Y'all ever use this? Well...I listed my moving boxes on there and got rid of them that same day. I've been watching it for awhile because I need a bed for the spare room, but without having a truck, picking up a bed from somewhere will be difficult. Oh well. There are a few other things that I need, though, that if I could pick up free (lamp, nightstand), that would be cool.
The thing that floors me about the whole thing is the number of people who just post what they want and then hope that someone will have it for them. Which I suppose is fine, but the specificity of it is amazing to me. A couple of weeks ago, a post came across and it was in search of a king size mattress and box spring. Only a pillowtop pleas. OK. Now perhaps I don't understand the culture, but one of the things that just really doesn't make sense to me is that if you're asking someone for something that you yourself can't afford, do you have any room or right to be picky about what you're asking for? It really is amazing to me.
In other news, as some of you know, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop at work, and it appears that it is getting ready to. I need to preface this by saying that it's not with regard to my job performance. Not at all. It's all about other people's job performance and my having to go in and clean up over them. There's also some stuff about next year that makes me a little uneasy, but nothing is for sure yet. As difficult as it is for me, it's something I don't want to even think/worry about right now. Y'all know how good I am at such things, though, so I'm sure that I'll be chewing on it for quite some time. *sigh*
It was a cloudy/stormy feel to the day today. Temperature was OK, but it was overcast. I got up early to wait for the cable guy, had my mimosas (that seems to be my Sunday routine now), and after he left, laid down for a nap. Before I laid down, though, I noticed that there were daffodils blooming in the ditch across the street. Since that's a school over there, I didn't think that anyone would mind if I cut a few blooms. So...when the doggie and I finished our walk, I went over and cut about 12 stems with the scissors that I had conveniently brought with me.
I've been doing laundry this evening. Burst out with ironing board, even. I just don't like putting the laundry away once it's done. That has always been my downfall. I'm not sure what the deal is with putting away. Anyone out there want to psychoanalyze that for me?
I bought two new light colored bras this weekend. Got a thing in the mail about a sale at Lane Bryant, so I got them for 30% off. Not a bad deal. I now have two new light bras and two new dark bras. Two more, and I think I'll be good. I can retire the ones that I've had for years.
Did you know that they say a bra should last a year? And that after that you should replace them. Because I am poor, I have never replaced mine that often.
My jungle is doing very well. Most of the plants have new growth. I'm very excited about that. I'm not so sure about the compost bin. It's turning into this gray mass. Itdoesn't smell bad...but it doesn't smell that great either.
So. Some thoughts that I promised to write about the last time I was here.
I don't know how it happened, but I have very few body image issues. Like I said before, I know who I am and what I am. I know what I bring to the table. I know what things I can change and what things I can't. More importantly, though, I'm not going to worry about someone who is judging me on my appearance. I've got absolutely no time for that kind of bullshit...and that's what it is. It's bullshit.
I don't get heavily in to feminist ideology, but it's got a real point when it comes to appearance and the way women move through the world.
Part of that bigger picture, I think, is this idea that other women are our enemies. I'm not sure what this adversarial relationship is really about. If it's about men and the completion for a man, then that's sad. I don't really believe in the concept of sisterhood, but at the same time, I don't know that men are enough of a reason to cut another woman to shreds.
I'm sure none of that makes a whole lot of sense. I'm not exactly sure what I want to say, which makes it hard to say it. Maybe I'll come back to it.
There was an interesting article in the local paper today regarding the death of a student after a football practice. It's funny that I've heard those rumors, as well as others, but there's not been much mention made of them. It seems like there's a lot of blame to go all the way around, but folks are only focused on one or two people.
I think that maybe next weekend, I'm going to head to Cincinnati and make a trip to Trader Joes. I could use some more wine and a few other things. Almonds. They're cheap there and the almonds are good for my heart.
I've finally activated my pedometer. I've only had it for a month. *sigh* I wish I'd done it before I went off on our hike Saturday.
March 5, 2009
Evening Update
I am grouchy this evening. You know how just when things start to head in the right direction, there is often a little set back, a little backsliding? Hit that today. It's not that bad, or at least not as bad as it was. The pressure is definitely now on, though. And the intensity is ratcheting up.
There's was a gawd awful terribly boring meeting after school. I didn't pay any attention.
My thoughts about women and sexuality and confidence were triggered today. I'm tired, so I'm going to bed. But I just want to reiterate for those who are saying, "she's not all that"...I know who and what I am. I know what I bring to the table. I know what my shortcomings are. I'm fat. My nose is long. I don't like my legs, and I don't like to wear pants or skirts because of that. I have great hair when wants to cooperate. I've got beautiful eyes (with or without the color enhancement) and elegant hands. My breasts are awesome. I have some issues true, but none of them are related to the way I look. I am what I am, and either you like it or you don't. I know that the reason I'm alone has nothing to do with my appearance, and there's not another person who is going to make me feel insecure about my appearance.
So, yeah. More on that tomorrow.
March 4, 2009
Evening Update
Took my baby to the vet this afternoon. She has a bruised back and is taking muscle relaxers for the next couple of days. She will hopefully be better in a copule of days. Maybe good enough that on Saturday we can go for a little hike. It's supposed to be a beautiful day. I'm thinking about our picnic/hike at the Research Forest that we were going to do a couple of months ago.
I called and made an appointment with the dentist. I'm having some pain on the lower left side. I think that perhaps a filling has come out. Air hurts. Monday at 3. I think I can hang on until then because it's not a terrible pain and its not consistent. I can be gentle with it. I'm not looking forward to that lecture about not having been to the dentist and how I'm not taking the best care of my teeth. *sigh* I'm also not looking forward to fixing whatever is wrong. That's going to be pricey, I fear since there's already a filling there.
I remembered what I wanted to talk about last night but of course, I've forgotten it again. I should write these things down. What was it? I remembereditwhen I was driving home because something I saw sparked it...something I've seen and been irritated by...something I see lots of folks doing. Going to drive me insane not being able to remember it.
I need to get on the serious planning of my spring break.
I'm watching The Memory Keepers Daughter on Lifetime. It was a halfway decent book. I've missed the first half hour of the movie. *sigh* I meant to tune in sooner, but forgot. I seem to forget lots of stuff these days.
Kinda wish I hadn't given up liquor for Lent. I could go for a hot chocolate with some Baileys or butterscotch schnapps.
OK...Lifetime ruined the book. *sigh*
I should go to bed because I still can't remember what it is that I wanted to talk about. *sigh*
March 3, 2009
Evening Update
We're gonna have to go to the vet tomorrow. My puppy has all of the cat fud out of her system, but she's still hurting. I'm now thinking that she must have strained her back/side when she was trying to get over the baby gate to get to the cat fud. She acts like she doesn't want to move up the stairs and it's hard for her to get n the bed. When I pat her back or her left side, she yelps. So.
I gave her two baby aspirins this evening, and I'll lift her up in the bed tonight so she's on the electric blanket. Poor baby. *sigh*
I suppose it's a good thing that I don't have company coming next weekend...I don't have to buy bed. It can go for the vet bill. *sigh*
I spent some time tonight looking at the maps of Washington DC, trying to figure out where my hotel is in relation to metro stations and the like. I'm still not really sure, but I suppose getting there will help me.
Speaking of DC, had a horrible dream about that this afternoon. Involved the boy. Awful.
I was going to talk about other things tonight, but as usual, I can't remember what it was.
I'm watching Sandra Day O'Connor on The Daily Show. Loving her. There's so much I want to see in DC.
All of my girls are within a two foot square space. Peach is, of course, trying to eat my plants. That does not make me happy, but what the hell, eh?
Going to bed. Have had a bottle of wine. Need to sleep now.
March 2, 2009
Evening Update
My doggie is sick. I'm afraid there is something terrible wrong with her. I stayed home today so I could go to the doctor (have bronchitis and a sinus infection), but my poor puppy appears to have the worst of it. When I got back from the doctor, I laid down. Cob laid down in the bed with me. When I woke up about two hours later, she wasn't in the bed. I called for her, and she came slowly. Jumped up in the bed and cried before immediately getting out of bed.
I got up to find that the baby gate to the spare room was down. Of course the cat food bowl was empty. I'd just refilled it, so we're talking 5-6 cups of food. Gone. I immediately got dressed and took her out. Usually when her belly is swollen like that, farting and pooing takes care of it. She pooed but it didn't help her.
She was shaking, so I put her in her coat and under a quilt. That seemed to help. Or at least the shaking stopped. Sometimes she cries. When she rolls over, usually. She lays down and doesn't want to get up. We've gone out another couple of times and she's pooed both times. No blood. Both normal. It doesn't seem like she's hurting when she's doing her thing.
I haven't fed her anything else today. I figured that her belly was probably full enough for the next couple of days. She hasn't had anything to drink today either, which concerns me a bit. *sigh*
We just went out again, and she teeteed but nothing else. When we came in,she went straight to the bedroom and laid down on the clothes I have yet to put away. *sigh*
In other news, I put my moving boxes on freecycle this morning, and they were gone this afternoon. Guess that means I'll be staying here for awhile. Or that if I decide to leave, I'm going to be buying new boxes.
I need to finish a couple of things tonight so I'm ready for tomorrow. Gotta go to work.
Doggie just burped and it was some of the nastiest stuff I've smelled in awhile. It was almost as bad as a doggie poot. Poor baby. She just needs to get all of that ickiness out of her belly.
March 1, 2009
Evening Update
I slept a lot today. I'm just waiting for the duvet cover to dry so I can get back in the bed. I was reminded that I have duty starting tomorrow which means that I have to be at school half an hour earlier.
Early Morning Update
It is again very early in the morning. I should probably be in bed, but I'm not ready to head there yet.
I'm not exactly sure what I got accomplished today, although I suppose looking at the list that I created yesterday around this time, I got most of them completed. I think the only things remaining are the listing my boxes on feecycle and the shopping for the mattres, which I might not really need to do right now anyway. How cheesy would it be for me to spend $75-100 on an aerobed? Just in case someone was going to be here?
I know that I did go grocery shopping and I did buy things to make chicken noodle soup which is now sitting in four different containers in my fridge. *sigh* If I eat chicken noodle soup every day for lunch and dinner, I will be eating soup for at least a week. Don't get me wrong, it's good stuff. Really good stuff. But I don't want to be eating it that long.
I also stopped by a Peddler's Mall, looking for a lamp. I found one that I think would fit in the bedroom, but it would require me also finding something to put it on, i.e., a nightstand. I also saw some cute small desks...one that was a fold down with a hutch for only $75. I do need a desk. I suppose I will go by another couple of Peddler's Malls and see what I can find.
It is funny, I think, the junk that people will try to sell and what they think that junk is worth. I walked down all those aisles--and there was a lot of booths in there--and was just amazed at how much folks wanted for some stuff as well as just what they were offering to begin with. I wanted to say, really? Really? You think someone is going to pay money for *that*? I suppose that someone must else they wouldn't have a booth there. I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that I'm not going to be buying my panties at the Peddler's Mall. I might buy panties at Hudsons (although I don't know about that...bras are a different story).
Washed my doggie tonight. She didn't want to get in the tub tonight, so it was a fight. I actually had to lift her into the tub. As sweet as she is, a 50 pound sack of potatoes is a 50 pound sack of potatoes. Later in the evening, we went to take the trash out, and on the way back, she cut her rear paw on something. My poor baby was limping and crying and bleeding. Got her in the apartment, and it was hell trying to get the bleeding to stop. Any time I tried to touch it, she would cry and try to get away from me. *sigh* Finally got her bandaged because I couldn't get the bleeding to stop. Then spent about half an hour on my knees with the Resolve bottle, scrubbing my doggie's blood out of the carpet. Think I got it all.
I should go to bed. I'm tired, but I have a beer to finish.
It was a tough day. I spent most of the day on the verge of tears and wanting to come home and just crawl in the bed. I didn't crawl in the bed, though. I didn't even really sleep much last night. Went to bed around two and was up around 8:30. I kept slogging through it.
While I was out, I bought my moleskine Washington DC city guide. I will be adding my hotel information to it. I found that city guide very helpful in NYC, so I'm hoping that it will be helpful in DC. I also saw a pack of cards that were about 50 walking tours of DC. It was $17 in the bookstore, but I found it for $4.00 on amazon marketplace, $7.99 with shipping. All of the "tours" are a couple of blocks in length. One side of the card describes it; the other side is a map. I also saw a AAA spiral guide to DC that looked interesting, but I don't want to spend $17 for it. Found it cheap on amazon marketplace, but I haven't ordered it yet. Maybe on Friday when I get paid again.
I know that there are only so many guide books you can get. I really would like to have more of a plan than this nebulous thing that is in my mind right this minute. With a plan, I'm better. If I've got my folder good to go, then I'm happy. How much of a dork would I be to carry my GPS in my purse with me to help me figure out where I'm going if I get lost?
I'm watching "Soldiers Heart" on Frontline. Terrible sadness. I couldn't be in the military.
Last Updated March 29, 2009
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