March 21, 2008

Still time to donate! I'm now at 60% of my goal, thanks to a very, very generous donation this morning. Please make a contribution to this very worthy cause. Any amount is appreciated.

http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage

Came home from work early today. Just felt icky again. Have felt icky all day. I'm starting to feel better, though. Slept for a couple of hours when I got home. I think that was the right choice.

Not feeling good doesn't leave you with a whole lot to say.

I'm having an exciting Friday night at the house. Watching Grey's Anatomy rerun. It's the episode where Momma Burke shows up and dispenses all of her wisdom.

Have I mentioned how much I hate being ignored? It's like a total invalidation of self. I can take a whole lot. I can put up with a whole lot. But being ignored. I don't know exactly how to describe it. There's something pathetic in it. Something desperate. Something awful. All of that gets dredged up, and I have no idea why I keep going back for it. Probably because I don't want to admit that I'm that pathetic, desperate, awful. I guess eventually you gotta face it. What's the line from the song?

There was ditch collapse here in Hattiesburg this morning that killed three men. It is awful for many reasons, the least of which is that three families are torn asunder in this time of rebirth and renewal. It's even more awful because of the situation could have been prevented. Apparently the trench was 2 feet wide and 12 feet deep. Which is an incredible no-no. We were talking about it at work today because, go figure...that's part of what we do. My boss said that he's really surprised at how we don't hear about this more, particularly with city projects, because they're cutting every corner they can. The sides of the ditch should have been sloped and a trench box should have been used. That requires much more space, though, which requires more money because you have to purchase the space and you have to pay for the extra excavation.

Who knew a year ago that I'd know what the hell I'm talking about when it comes to these kinds of things?

Anyone watching the ABC program about prostitution? It's just started. Reno prominent feature. Bet that makes folks happy. Twenty bucks for sex. Twenty bucks. A woman is only worth twenty bucks. Something pathetic, desperate, and awful about that. I think I should probably watch something else.

Tomorrow perhaps the puppy and I will go for a drive in search of Southern spring. Not like we can really afford the gas, but with everything in bloom, it's probably a good time to get some shots of the things that make spring in the south such a happy occasion. I was flipping through my reams of digital photos the other night and remembered that I hadn't put my spring break 2006 photos up. That camping trip through South Carolina. I'll have to find my atlas from that year and see if I can figure out where some of those shots were taken so I can put them up and make a record for myself.

Which reminds me that I need to get the pictures from Mardi Gras and from last weekend back up. Ughh.

March 20, 2008

Still time to donate! Please make a contribute to this very worthy cause. Any amount is appreciated.

http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage

I am unwell today. I could barely get out of bed this morning, and all day I had an incredibly difficult time staying awake. Around noon, I started feeling that shaky-like I needed to eat or that I might fall down (some funkiness in the lower body) or pass out or something. So I got some lunch and of course didn't feel better. Went home from work about an hour early. My boss was pretty adamant about driving me home because apparently I wasn't looking too hot. Convinced him that I could make it two miles. Hope this feels better in the morning because if it doesn't...

The dog is back to her normal self. Tonight she really wanted to play. Because I'm not well, I was having none of it. Tomorrow afternoon when I get home, we'll go for a walk.

Not going to be up very late tonight, and I don't have a whole lot to say. I read...sorta...an interesting article about oral sex and teenagers. I have some thoughts on some of the points, but I'm thinking that I'm probably not going to get to it tonight. Y'all will have to remind me maybe tomorrow or this weekend and then we'll talk about oral sex.

Anyway. I'm going to bed.

March 19, 2008

Still time to donate! Please make a contribute to this very worthy cause. Any amount is appreciated.

http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage

My puppy is feeling pretty spry. After a pain pill and a benadryl. She's up and moving and wanting to play. She's really good at taking her pills. I bought her some cheese to help take the pills, but I don't know if there's going to be a need for that. Came home from work at lunch to find her tummy wet. She has apparently been licking her stitches, which is not good.

My boss is sicker than a dog. He was hacking all day long. Keep your sick self at home! None of us want your germs. Criminy.

Made corned beef and cabbage for dinner tonight. It was really good. So good. After I took it out of the crockpot, I layered spicy brown mustard and horseradish on top of the corned beef and then baked it for 45 minutes. Yum. My belly is now full.

I don't think I have a lot to say tonight. I think I'm about to hit the sack. Funny that I just got a "goodnight" text from the boy the same moment I was thinking that I was going to go to bed soon and was going to tell him that. We have yet to talk, but I have hopes that will happen sometime soon.

Feeling good about some possibilities right now. That means even more work to do this weekend, but that's OK. What else was I going to do? Other than make some deviled eggs.

March 18, 2008

Thanks to y'all, I'm 40% of the way to my fundraising goal for the Race for the Cure! There's still a bit to go, and any amount you can give is is appreciated.

http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage

The puppy is home from the vet. I thought that they were going to keep her overnight. It was really a strange experience. I know that they treated her well; a friend knows the vet, but like I said...it was a really strange experience. When I got there this morning, there was a lady there who's three dogs had been poisoned overnight. One of them had died, and the vet was trying to save the other two. She saw Cobbler, looked at her and said, "My dog looks like you." And the next minute, she was bawling on Cob, prostrate on the floor.

I kinda didn't feel really good about leaving Cob there, but. When I called to check on her around 1:30, they told me I could come get her around 5:00. When I got there, they gave me antibiotics and pain meds, told me to start them tonight, and then sent me on my way. Fed the baby when I got home because she hadn't eaten since last night. She drank most of her water bottle. I've given her the antibiotic, and I'll give her a pain pill here in a minute. She's passed out at my feet, so I don't know if she needs one or not. Taking the antibiotic wasn't bad, although I should probably get some cheese to make that experience better for her. She's a good girl.

Her belly looks all sad with it shaved...and she looks super skinny. I really do worry that I'm not feeding her enough.

Kinda grouchy tonight. Just found out that I have to do a bunch of work and that makes me very unhappy. Also stabbed myself in the foot with a stick this morning, and it really hurts. I broke out the first aid kit that I've had in the trunk of the car for four years because I knew there weren't bandaids at work.

I'm making corned beef and cabbage tomorrow night. I'm sick of carnitas and have had all I can handle so there will be no more.

Did y'all listen to Obama's speech today? I didn't get to hear it, and while I printed off the text of it so I could read it, I might have left that at work. I'll get to it tomorrow morning. *sigh*

The puppy and I are going to bed. Y'all be good.

March 17, 2008

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Hope y'all had your green on...somewhere...and didn't get pinched. I was covered on multiple fronts. Not having a green beer...or a Guinness...but I will be having some Irish cream as a night cap later on.

I've resized photos from this weekend so you can see them without scrolling. I knew it was going to be a problem when I posted them, but I was just too antsy to actually do anything about it last night. If you were frustrated by them yesterday, give it a try now.

Once again, I ask you to support my fundraising efforts for the Race for the Cure. Any amount is appreciated.

http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage

My puppy is going in tomorrow morning to get spayed. I was surprised when I called today that they said they could take her tomorrow. The asked me if I wanted to bring her in this afternoon, and I was just kinda shocked. I was worried that my puppy is going to a puppy chop shop, but my boss said that's where his puppy goes when he gets injured (apparently ran into another car yesterday. Cars, 2: Duke, 0: Boss, $1400. That's what happens when you let your doggie run free).

I think that the puppy getting fixed tomorrow means we can't go camping this weekend. Not that she's overly rambunctious. Just that I don't know how good of an idea it will be to take her outside into the elements where she can roll around and get dirty. That really, really bums me out.

I read an article today about teens and how their lives are so exposed, with very little privacy because everything is documented. Unfortunately I can't remember where I read it. I thought it was at nyt.com, but I can't find it there. At any rate, the article was talking about how young people put so many details of their lives out there--details that in the past would have been revealed in the process of creating intimacy--that there is no real true intimacy in their lives. I was thinking about that as I was editing my photo pages this evening...and thinking about other things. There is probably quite a bit of truth in that line of thinking. We're trying so hard to find some sort of connection, but the truth is that when everyone knows everything, it's really hard to make that sort of connection with anyone.

It's somewhat of a paradoxical thing, I think. I really use this space to work out the things that are rattling around in my head. And for me, to work some of that out, it's about working through the details. While it might be inconceivable to some of you that I keep anything back, I find myself more and more holding back...at least the very, very important stuff. Some stuff I want to keep for a much more selective audience.

It's only 8:30, but I could already be in the bed.

Looks like Betsy and Madison are going to come to visit some time during the week of April 7-11. I don't know if they're staying the entire week or what. I should have the house spotless by then. I'm always a little uptight when people come to visit. I'm not the best housekeeper under the best circumstances, but this place isn't the easiest to keep clean in the first place. I'm thinking about the caulking around the bathtub....that the mold is showing through. *sigh* So, I'll do the best I can, and I'll try really hard to remember that Betsy is coming to visit me, and she's been here, and she didn't care then so she's not going to care now. Still. It bothers me.

I imagine while Betsy is here we'll have some rather extensive conversations about the possibility of me making the move to the ATL.

I guess the boy and I aren't going to talk. Last night, I asked when we might and there was no response. OK.

Just changed jewelry again because I'm pretty sure that the cute sparkly ones weren't of the best quality. They were cute, but. Put in the other new ones, but it didn't go so well. I think these ones are a slightly larger gauge. At least that's the only reason why I can figure there would be that much of a problem. I'm feeling like everything has been newly pierced, which I guess in a way is true. I won't lie and say it didn't freakin' hurt. Did I mention that it bled? I need some Advil and another cocktail.

Met a friend tonight to pick up some of that fantastic Avon lotion that helps with the bumps on my arms. They apparently don't make it anymore. Or it's only a seasonal product or something. That hurts my heart. My friend, though, gave me a ton of goodies. Two full-size bottles of nail polish, a couple of other tubes of lotions, a full-size lip gloss. Avon reminds me of my grandSner, and all those tiny samples of lipsticks. She had a whole bag full of them. that and all of those perfume samples. I can remember putting on the lipstick. They all smelled a little odd, and I can't recall now if that was because that was their scent or if it was because they were so old. Those were some incredibly awful colors.

Y'all see the story about the former governor of New Jersey and his wife? Grow up. Seriously. Both of you. Grow the fuck up. You've got a child that you're putting through the wringer with all of this crap. Get it together.

Anyway. I'm off for some Irish cream and perhaps some ice cream.

March 16, 2008

I haven't updated things because I was recovering. I was just too busy getting the photo album uploaded. The short story is that we had a really, really good time and can't wait for next year, which we are planning to do bigger and better. There are rumors of seeing about actually being *in* the parade. Marching with the Queens. That means some planning because we're positive that we can do it better than most of the Queens and wanna-bes who marched this year.

So. A round-up of the day. We were a little late leaving because someone (cough, cough...not me) forgot the margaritas and had to go back to the house to get them. That wound up being OK because she brought blueberry vodka and Irish cream with her and at 9:30, we were having blueberry muffins. They smelled exactly like blueberry muffins...and weren't half bad going down. Everyone but the driver might have been having a beer on the way up (Mississippi does not have an open container law, which I find interesting).

We didn't make it to Jackson and park until about 11:15, and we had another blueberry muffin. *grin* Even though we got there pretty late, parking wasn't really all that big of a headache. We were about 4 blocks or so away, parked up on the curb. We met Cassie, Sal, and Sal's nephew, who didn't get there much before we did. Maybe 20 minutes. We were on the corner of State and Capital, in front of the bank and across the street from the Old Capital.

The PSB did not make an appearance. Second time he's stood me up. Hmmmm...

Once there, of course, the drinking began in earnest. I quit rather early because I was going to be the one driving home. Drunk southern folk are funny to listen to. Southerners are interesting to listen to anyway because of the accent but once alcohol gets involved and the slurring starts, it's even better.

I'm pretty sure that my big toe is broken. The one that was broken before. Sal's nephew fell off his cooler and he and it landed on my toe. Poor kid. Totally not his fault. It's not all that swollen, but the throbbing and pain is there. Driving last night was not pleasant. I don't even want to think about losing that toe nail again. Ugghhhh.

The parade itself was quite a bit of fun. It seems like it lasted much longer this year than it did last year. I really want to say that Polly and I were back in the 'burg by about 4:00 last year. We didn't make it home until 6:30 yesterday. Overall, we were unimpressed by most of the Sweet Potato Queens (hence our idea that perhaps we can do it better). I'd have to say that the highlight/most interesting moment of the parade was that poor girl in the nurse's outfit who was shaking her stuff...and showing her stuff. That red thong wasn't quite covering everything up, but she did have a nice bikini wax going on. Poor girl.

There were a couple of reminders about breast cancer during the parade, including one for the Race for the Cure on April 5th. I'd like to remind you all that I'm going to be participating in the Race for the Cure, and that I could use your support in meeting my fundraising goal. Because some of you have already been incredibly generous, I'm 35% of the way to my goal. Every little bit helps, and I am grateful. Please consider making a tax-deductible donation to support breast cancer treatment and research in central Mississippi.

http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage

There were lots of critters about because the Pet Parade had been earlier in the morning. One guy had a dachshund puppy but wasn't quite caring for it properly. He had him on a huge lead...maybe 30-40 feet and was basically just dragging the poor thing around. Didn't have any water for him. Poor puppy. There was also a guy with a snake. Who brings a big ol' snake to a parade? Seriously? I'm thinking that Cobbler would be good in the parade next year. We could get her a really cute fluffy/frilly collar. She's good with people and other dogs, so I think it could work.

Speaking of Cobbler...we went to the dog park this afternoon with Aaron, Nicole, Kramer, and Nahla. She ran and ran and ran. She's now flopped down at my feet. After about half an hour at the park, she was done...flopped down on the grass.

To get back to yesterday, though...

After the parade, we took ourselves off to Keifer's for lunch. That poor waiter. He was really cute and very charming. Not necessarily the best combination when you have four intoxicated women. He was great, though, and the food was, as always, very good. I couldn't finish my gyro, though. Just too much food. Couldn't finish my beer either. *sigh* Freakin' lightweight. I do have to confess that my "good girl, perfect girl, quiet girl" thing started kicking in. I might have shushed folks a couple of times. Just because that's the way I am.

Put intoxicated women together, and the conversations get interesting. I think that's probably all I'm going to say about that, but it's funny to listen to and participate in. We were in agreement about our appreciation of southern men.

Once we got back to Hattiesburg, it was time to head to the coast. Everyone but Tina came on with me, and we had a good time there. We were with good people so it's hard to not have a good time. Mark had the guitar out and was playing. I've really got to commit some lyrics to memory or carry around my own fake book because he kept asking me to sing with him...and I did...but there are so many songs that I don't really know. I can only remember parts of the songs. (I wasn't drinking so it wasn't like that wasn't why I couldn't remember)

I got home around 1:30 or so...I think. I didn't actually go to bed until 4:00, though. Once I got home, I unloaded all of the photos and then started the process of getting them ready for uploading here. The involves changing the file names. And from there I moved on to editing the photos...doing some correction, red-eye reduction, cropping. Ughhh. I actually entertained notions of putting the files up last night, but that would have been too much. At 4:00, I was nodding off.

Bill and Jamie have a great house. Some of you will remember what they had after Katrina. What they have now is beautiful. I wish I would have taken some pictures, but my camera doesn't take very good pictures in low light situations. I could go there and sit on the veranda in a rocking chair and just be happy. Sipping a cocktail. Doing some writing. Jamie has her "day spa" room set up, so perhaps some Saturday night soon I'll go down for a facial and then just vegetate. I've been told that I'm welcome any time I want. There's a spare room, and I shouldn't feel shy about making myself at home.

Found out last night that Beth will be transferring to North Forrest, which is good for her. I'm afraid that she's not going to find much different in terms of the conditions that she'll be working in because it's part of the same school system, but the administration does make a huge difference. That effects my plan for the fall, though. I know I'm going back to teaching. I don't know anything else here that is going to pay me as much as teaching would. And I'm lying if I say that I don't miss the time off. Spring break here just finished for some districts, and I'd really to have been a part of that. The thing becomes though...if I'm going back to teaching, is South Mississippi where I want to do it? Or do I want to maybe give it a shot somewhere else? I've been told that I'm more than welcome in Atlanta, and the pay would be a damn sight better there. I've also been told I'm welcome in Savannah...where the pay is again, a damn sight better. I've another friend who is in Tennessee telling that I'd be welcome there too. Then again, there's always the possibility of going home to Missouri. I could help the GrandSner and live rent free, which wouldn't be the worst thing ever.

I don't know. *sigh* Some thinking to do.

Heard from the boy yesterday. Wish I could have seen him, but then again, I always wish I could see him. I enjoy spending time with him, so not seeing him sucks. I have no idea when we're going to get a chance to talk. I think I'm getting much closer to knowing what I want to say. The longer I get to think about it, the crux of the situation for me becomes clearer.

The Fed has cut rates again...and apparently there will be another cut on Tuesday. Good freakin' grief. I suppose there are folks out there who know a whole lot more about economic theory than I do because honestly I don't know much. I just, however, can't quite figure out how weakening the dollar even further and creating more inflation is going to solve the problem.

The weather has been beautiful here this weekend. Apparently it was 88 in Hattiesburg yesterday. Today was gorgeous as well. It's got me thinking about plants. I left all of my out this winter and killed them all. *sigh* That means I have to start over. Which is fine, I suppose. I really want to get someone to till up a spot in the back yard this year so I can plant a garden. I'm thinking that I'd like some zucchini (because I like to grill it), some tomatoes, some cucumbers (because I'd really, really like to can some pickles), maybe some lettuce/spinach. I don't know about green beans. Maybe. I think I can probably get Sebe to help with that. I think. It's still early for garden plots I think. I don't know, though. I'm kinda clueless when it comes to all of that stuff.

I need to have dinner. I had carnitas for lunch, and I think that's probably what I'm going to have for dinner. I need to get rid of those so that I can make the corned beef and cabbage. I don't think that's going to happen by tomorrow, though. Maybe by Wednesday or Thursday. When it's just me, I can't eat all of the stuff fast enough. And when you add in a couple of nights away from home where I'm not eating what I cooked in the first place, it's worse. Carnitas don't cost me a lot to make (maybe $10 for the whole shebang), I hate to waste any of it.

March 14, 2008

My Sner had surgery on her knee today. Apparently everything has gone OK. She called when she got home.

Got my tire taken care of today. Wound up getting a new tire because they couldn't repair the old tire. I paid $17.64 for a $150 tire. I think that's a pretty good bargain that I've made. Took forever to get it done though. Was an hour late getting to work. And they didn't put my spare away. *sigh*

I'm spending money like it's free, and that has to stop. It kinda makes me feel sick. Besides the tire today, I registered for the Race for the Cure. If you'd like to help me meet my goal of raising $500, I'd really appreciate it. Y'all know how near and dear to my heart breast cancer research is, so anything you can contribute is a beautiful thing. You can go to my page and donate.

http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage

And then there was the trip to Wal-Mart, which cost me $40. (sunscreen for tomorrow since it's supposed to be 80, corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, spring Oreos, California Pizza Kitchen BBQ Chicken Pizza, a duckie soap for my bathroom, fuel additive for the car. To name a couple of things)

My tummy has been upset all day long. It's that queasy, persistent nausea that I had a while back.

I slept last night. Really slept. Woke up this morning to the sound of the neighbors (the people in the house next door) having sex. Took me a minute or two to figure out what it was. Made me smile. She sounded like she was having a really good time. I came to the realization, though, that if I could hear her, then they've heard me. That's a little embarrassing because since the days of you-can't-make-any-noise-because-it-distracts-me, I might have come a good piece. Oops.

I think I'm going to bed early tonight. I just feel very wrung out. Exhausted. I've got to do a little house-cleaning tomorrow morning before we head out because I very well could have a house guest tomorrow night. Good thing I got that bedroom cleaned like I said I was going to. Guess that means I'll be sleeping on the couch if it comes to it (I just think it's rude to make a guest sleep on the couch...or the crappy bed).

I'm pretty sure I'm going camping for Easter. That means I have to go buy a new air mattress before then. (more money spent) I don't think I'm going to go very far from here because gas is so dang expensive. But I think I'm going. The puppy and I need to get away...out into the fresh air. Clear our heads.

I've been out of the classroom for three, going on four, years now. I'm pretty sure that while the outside pressures on the classroom have changed a bit, the basics of teaching haven't. Part of what I believed strongly was that students needed to be respected. I think that part of the reason why I had such an incredibly awful time at Dixie was that I was being forced to work within a paradigm that did not at its heart have respect for students. I struggled within my own realm of influence because I was trying to go with the flow...do what other folks were doing, go along and get along. I was working against what my personal philosophy of education is, and it really isn't surprising that it was such a torturous experience both for me and my students.

I just keep seeing that conference where the student was being assaulted by the staff...there was nothing about her positive characteristics...just how awful she was and how terrible her behavior was and what a problem she was. Tearing her down from the moment she and her parents walked through that door. There was nothing in that conference that was respectful of or to the student or her parents. No wonder there were terrible problems with her in the classroom.

Anyway. I'm tired. I should go to bed. It's a big day tomorrow.

March 13, 2008

evening update

I came home intending to take a nap but other things disrupted that plan. My new jewelry came in, and I had a moment of panic when I saw it. It's tee-nine-y. But. They fit. Yay! And more importantly, they look good. However, the right side is having a bit of an issue. Hurts. Little bit of bleeding. I guess for the next bit I'll be using some neosporin and anti-bacterial soap. *sigh* Not quite sure what's going on because it's been awhile since anyone besides me touched them, and they've been done for almost six years. Strange.

I had my first flat tire today. Bobby (our draftsman) came in and said, hey...did you know you have a flat? On the drive to work this morning, which is all of about two miles, I heard a "pop" about halfway there. No clue what it was. Yeah, nice big bolt sticking out of the tire. *sigh* Called AAA and they were there within 20 minutes to put the spare on it. I'll take the tire (and the car) to Firestone tomorrow morning to get it fixed. I've been driving for almost 16 years, and I've never had a flat. How does that happen? and why now?

I think I've almost made my way through a small bottle of vodka this week. (I'm having a martini right this minute. Will probably have another one...or two...before I go to bed)

I need to have some dinner. Cuz I might be a tad bit intoxicated. I haven't made it to the carnitas yet. Made them on Tuesday and haven't eaten any of it yet.

I have to call tomorrow and make an appointment to get the dog fixed.

I know I said earlier that I'm not angry anymore, and that's true. There are things I want to say, but I don't know exactly how to say them. And I don't know how to say them without getting upset. I kinda feel like I've been put in a position where I'm not allowed to be upset...or have no right to be upset. That's the hard part. If I'm feeling it, though, I have the right to feel it, though. Regardless of the parameters (which isn't what I have a problem with). I have a problem with feeling like I'm insignificant. I'm ready to talk about it, but I don't know exactly how...since I've been a pissy bitch for 36 hours. I've probably fucked that up too.

Anyway. I really, really have to find some dinner. I'm intoxicated and that's never a good thing.

March 13, 2008

morning update

Didn't sleep last night either. I was drifting around 1-1:30, but then the neighbors came home and there was much screaming and slamming of doors. When I am this tired, my voice goes. Sometimes when I answer the phone it's there, and other times not so much.

As I was trying to wake up this morning, it came to me that I wasn't angry anymore. Just not. I'm not sure, though, that there's going to be any point in talking about it now. Either it is or it isn't. And I accept that or I don't. Right now I don't know where things fall.

I'm kinda just sad...and queasy...now and feeling a great need for solitude. The PSB is sending messages this morning pissy with me, and I'm not in the mood. Got a message from Coach and am really not in the mood for that. There are things that I'm supposed to do this weekend, plans and commitments made, but if I could get out of them, I would. Since I can't, I'll figure something out in the meantime.

All of this is so incredibly crappy because all of those issues that I don't want to deal with anymore, all of those things that had me prostrate two-three weeks ago, are welling up. That's mine to own. I don't know how to talk about how pissed off I was without getting into all of *that*, and to be honest, I don't want to get into all of that because it's so pathetic.

So. My head hurts; I'm tired; I need to get some work done.

evening update

I came home intending to take a nap but other things disrupted that plan. My new jewelry came in, and I had a moment of panic when I saw it. It's tee-nine-y. But. They fit. Yay! And more importantly, they look good. However, the right side is having a bit of an issue. Hurts. Little bit of bleeding. I guess for the next bit I'll be using some neosporin and anti-bacterial soap. *sigh* Not quite sure what's going on because it's been awhile since anyone besides me touched them, and they've been done for almost six years. Strange.

I had my first flat tire today. Bobby (our draftsman) came in and said, hey...did you know you have a flat? On the drive to work this morning, which is all of about two miles, I heard a "pop" about halfway there. No clue what it was. Yeah, nice big bolt sticking out of the tire. *sigh* Called AAA and they were there within 20 minutes to put the spare on it. I'll take the tire (and the car) to Firestone tomorrow morning to get it fixed. I've been driving for almost 16 years, and I've never had a flat. How does that happen? and why now?

I think I've almost made my way through a small bottle of vodka this week. (I'm having a martini right this minute. Will probably have another one...or two...before I go to bed)

I need to have some dinner. Cuz I might be a tad bit intoxicated. I haven't made it to the carnitas yet. Made them on Tuesday and haven't eaten any of it yet.

I have to call tomorrow and make an appointment to get the dog fixed.

I know I said earlier that I'm not angry anymore, and that's true. There are things I want to say, but I don't know exactly how to say them. And I don't know how to say them without getting upset. I kinda feel like I've been put in a position where I'm not allowed to be upset...or have no right to be upset. That's the hard part. If I'm feeling it, though, I have the right to feel it, though. Regardless of the parameters (which isn't what I have a problem with). I have a problem with feeling like I'm insignificant. I'm ready to talk about it, but I don't know exactly how...since I've been a pissy bitch for 36 hours. I've probably fucked that up too.

Anyway. I really, really have to find some dinner. I'm intoxicated and that's never a good thing.

March 12, 2008

I didn't sleep much last night. Every time I'd get calmed down enough to almost go to sleep, there was some noise or a cat moved or something. And when I did get to sleep it wasn't a deep, restorative sleep.

I'm still angry. Unreasonably upset. Making me sick upset. I can't even really articulate why I'm so mad. I can but I don't know how to make it sound anything but unreasonable and petty or ugly. You know how I rehearse conversations? I can't even start it in my head.

I know that this is an over-reaction. I know it. And I hate it. I freakin' hate that I'm so angry about something that I really shouldn't even be angry about. I'm sure in a couple of days it's not going to matter because I'll have worked my way around it, figured it out, and let it go, but right now...

I was going to say that I couldn't remember the last time I was this angry, but in thinking about it...I can. Three years ago. I hated it as much then as I hate it now. This is why I rarely drink to intoxication. I can't stand feeling this out of control.

I'm not going to sleep tonight either, and I haven't eaten. Fitting I suppose, as my horoscope says that my feelings are so strong that it's hard to escape them. I suppose I should go ahead and gnaw on it, but while this is *my* space--mine to work through the things that are bothering me or interest me or are rattling around my brain--it seems unfair and disrespectful to work it out here.

March 11, 2008

I've been having a good time tonight, but I'm suddenly not happy at all. I'm actually kinda pissed off. Scratch that. I'm very pissed off. If I didn't need to buy gas and I hadn't been drinking, I would be going for a drive.

I can't even remember what it was I meant to come here and talk about because I'm so angry right now.

I am never, never going to get to sleep tonight. Even more reason to be pissed off.

March 10, 2008

I'm so happy I don't have to go to work tomorrow. So happy that I'm celebrating with vodka martinis. I know they should be gin. And perhaps this weekend, when I've drained the vodka bottle dry, I'll switch over. I have consumed one rather quickly and am debating whether I'm going to have another just as quickly. I'm going with the 4:1 ratio, about a tablespoon of olive juice, and three olives. Yum. So good. Going with small ones so I can actually drink them before they get cool and gross.

Y'all see that Governor Spitzer is in some trouble in New York? Criminy. Have people learned nothing from the televangelist scandals of the late 80s? If you're gonna be a crusader, ya gotta make sure your side of the street is spotless. If you're gonna be busting prostitutes and their clients, then you should probably consider investing in a very discrete mistress...rather than availing yourself to the services of said prostitutes. (Not that I'm equating prostitutes and mistresses. Not in the least. Just saying if you're going to spend the money and take the risk, then perhaps it's best if there's only one other person who knows about it and not an out-call agency that can blow your cover)

On another note, if we weren't so hung up on sex and what other people were doing with their bodies, perhaps this wouldn't be such a big deal. Prostitution doesn't bother me a whole lot. I understand there are lots of ugly things that go along with prostitution and that for many women, prostitution is a form of slavery. I do not, though, believe that putting hookers (I really don't know that I can go so far as to be PC and say "sex workers") in jail is the answer to fixing that problem. And I'm not really sure how their clients come into the picture either. Humiliation? Paying a fine? Jail? Not sure what effect that really has. It would seem that if you want to tackle the problem of prostitution, then you need to think about why women turn to prostitution. What's at the root of it? Without that, it would appear that you're just putting a band-aid on the situation.

I'm gonna have to have some dinner. Whew. I was going to make a sausage and hashbrown casserole for dinner tonight, but when I was doing the grocery shopping, I forgot to buy the hashbrowns. Dammit. I did buy stuff to make carnitas tomorrow...as well as that blackbean soup. But forgot the jalepenos, though. I really love that blackbean soup. So much so that I bought one of those stick blenders/hand mixers so I can make it the way you're actually supposed to. I think it's going to be great with the carnitas.

My snuppy is going to get fixed within the month. The folks at SPAN finally called back, and it's going to get taken care of. It'll be good for her. She's been pretty rambunctious this evening. Actually has hurt me twice. Once her head hit me right on that spot right near your kneecap that brings tears to your eyes and then she got me square in the thigh with her hard head. I think that one might leave a bruise.

Yeah, I really need some dinner. And another cocktail.

Read this article and had to wonder about all those parents who are shuttling their kids to athletic events, hoping that's going to be what gets them through college. Have never really quite understood that. I mean, as the article says, just looking at the odds, it doesn't make sense that all those kids who are working so hard for it are going to make it...even if they are really good. Far more sensible to put a little more effort in on the academic side. What's the ACT score required for the Presidential, which gets you free tuition at a state school? I mean...there are a ton of incentives out there for academics--stuff just waiting to be taken.

I think that's a particular problem here in Mississippi. I've been listening to the talk about southern and the new year, how exciting Fedora (our new football coach) is going to make things and how good his recruiting class is. I don't know, but I do know that some of those guys aren't eligible to play at Southern right now because they don't have the grades. OK. What kind of sense does that make? You've worked all these years to get to the big dance but you're left sitting on the sidelines because you neglected a really important part of it? Who the hell was advising these kids? Seriously? What a disservice they've done to those students.

I bought chocolate chips so I can make chocolate chip pancakes in the morning. That sounds like a lovely idea. It actually sounds like a lovely idea right now, but I'm going to pass. Although...maybe some popcorn. That sounds like a good idea.

Also read this today, which rings a bit true. I've read quite a few romance novels in my day, and the ones that are trying to hard to be something that they're not are really the worst. Strangely enough, when I'm reading "trash" like that, I most frequently skip the sex scenes just because they seem so tortured. Which is not to say that I don't like to read about sex. I think I might like the reading about it more than I like the seeing it. But. Only when it doesn't have a lot of pretense involved in it.

I've stripped down to my t-shirt. Gotta let the puppy out and then fix another drink.

Did y'all see that the Southern Baptists are buying into global warming? It actually kinda cracks me up a little bit. I was also reading yesterday about how some evangelicals are adopting some of the Catholic traditions in an effort to bring some sort of deeper meaning to their experiences. They've started observing Lent. Some are holding weekly confessions and communion. A few have even started religious orders. Not without controversy, of course.

To sorta kinda go along with that, the Vatican has expanded the list of sins. I find that DNA manipulation piece to be interesting. Not surprising, but interesting. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about genetic manipulation. On one hand, I think we're supposed to let nature take it's course. Our imperfection and trials and tribulations are part of the fabric of life. On the other hand, though, we take all sorts of drugs and measures to prevent nature taking her course, and those are for the better. I should probably think more about this when I haven't had a few drinks. That wealth inequity one is interesting as well.

Do I know anyone who has HBO? Call me a dork, but I really want to see the John Adams mini-series. I listened to the book on CD a couple of years ago on a drive to South Carolina or Atlanta or something. Because I'm a dork. I can't help it. I wish I could, but there you have it. A dork.

I'm not ready to go to bed. I miss sex. *sigh*

Tomorrow is the primary here. I imagine that when I drag my sorry self out the bed, I'll make my way to the zoo and vote.

March 9, 2008

I've been cleaning today. The bathroom is done. The kitchen is almost done (just have to do the table). The bedroom is almost done. The living room will be done as soon as the stuff from the bedroom (laundry) is put away. I flipped the mattress and stripped the bed. My mattress bad is so covered in feathers from the feather bed that I'm going to have replace it.

It's a pretty day, and I suppose that if spring cleaning had to be done, today is as good of a time as any to get it done. In more ways than one.

My house is as clean as it's going to get today. I need to dust in the living room and in the bedroom. But the floors are clean, the linens are washed, the countertops are wiped off, the magic eraser has been used. I can call the landlord tomorrow and tell them that the outlet behind the bed isn't work and needs to be fixed before the house burns down. I guess on Tuesday when I don't go to work, I'm going to see about tackling the spare bedroom. I think that's going to require a trip to the laundromat as the bedding in there is covered in cat hair. Ughhh. Gross. I can handle fishing the feathers out of the washing machine. I just don't know about all that cat hair.

Found the martini glasses that Beth gave me for Christmas. I wish I had some vodka and vermouth so I could make a martini. After cleaning and with being a rather foul mood, a martini sounds nice. Since I live in Mississippi and buying alcohol on Sunday is a sin, guess I'm just going to have a beer...since I have all of that stuff left over from Thanksgiving chilling in the clean refrigerator.

Trying to decide what I'm going to have for dinner. I have a couple of ribs left and the sides, but I don't know if that's what I feel like. I'm pretty sure that Tuesday when I'm off, I'm going to make carnitas so I didn't take anything out of the freezer for dinner in the meantime. I could always do biscuits and gravy I suppose. I need to go tot he store for a couple of things, but I don't think that's going to happen tonight. I just lit candles and have no desire to put on a bra.

Thinking about the nature of commitment this evening after reading this article. I know that when people get married, they vow "in sickness and in health", but who signs up for something like Huntington's? When he get married it's a partnership, right? But when you transition to that parent-child type relationship, it's a whole different ball-game. I'd like to think that I would stay, do the right thing. I think my track record shows that I have a tendency to hang on long after I should let go when it's the wrong relationship...and I stayed because I loved that person. I stayed through some pretty shitty things; I can't quite imagine leaving just because things got tough.

I think about those kinds of things because of days like yesterday. Y'all know that I worry that days like yesterday are due to MS. I know that I'm not committed to anyone, nor they to me, but what if...one day...

The time change hasn't hit me yet. It might be different tomorrow. I slept for a really long time last night/today...and because the only clocks in the house that work are my cell phone and the computer, I didn't really know what time it was or that I was missing an hour.

What are your showering habits? Not like that's a personal question but you know what happens when I start reading. Me, I like a shower every day (although I have yet to take one today...I tend to be a little less fastidious on the weekends) but I don't wash my hair every day. In fact, I can go 4-5 days without washing my hair, although usually, I break down on day 3. And I'm not into the scented froo-froo stuff either, but I think that's mainly because it irritates my skin in places that don't need to be irritated. I have to confess that I like perfume. A lot. I try to be judicious in my use of it, but I do use it. Without fail. I think it's because when I was with Dax, even though he bought me perfume (I still like Escape, but I don't have any right now), I wasn't allowed to wear it.

Y'all know Tift Merritt? Most people don't. Anyway. I kept thinking about the song "Trouble Over Me." I understand a lot of things. Really I do. I don't understand being rude or discourteous, though. I've been patient since December, and I don't think I ask a whole lot. I don't treat my friends this way (leave all the other crap out of it...at base there's supposed to be something akin to friendship); I don't appreciate being treated this way. This is not me freaking out; this is me tired of words not matching actions. This is me tired of questioning what I'm doing when I'm not getting anything out of it. Not even a "good morning to you too." I'm pretty sure I rate at least that. Or I should.

Anyone else here a fan of Neil Finn? I've been listening to this cd today, too.

Have also been listening to these guys today too. Forget how much I like them when I don't listen to them.

I think I'm going to go to bed. That sounds like the right choice at the moment since I don't want to screw up the clean bath tub by taking a bath in it. *sigh*

March 8, 2008

I've been unwell today. Went down to Lora's to get my hair did, and as always that was good. Then journeyed over to Hudson's, not knowing what I was getting myself into. Parking was in short supply and there wasn't a cart to be found. Apparently the grocery stock opened today at 30% off. You would have thought that people had hit the jackpot...except they really didn't. When you start looking at the prices, even with the discount, it's not a bargain. I bought pickles last week for $1.34; the same jar was listed at $2.29. There were some good buys, true, but not enough for me to wait 30-45 minutes in a line to save three bucks. Other folks, though, had cart after cart full of junk. I probably should have bought the clog-free rake for $6.99.

I went in because I needed some mascara and eyeliner. None of that to be found, naturally.

That's when I started to feel off. I thought maybe it was I was hungry. Sometimes that weakness feels a bit like you get when you haven't eaten in awhile. But then I remembered that couldn't be it because I had breakfast. Decided to get a sandwich at The Shed in addition to the rib plate that I was going to bring home because maybe it really was that I needed to eat. Yeah, that wasn't it. Drank my water, ate my sandwich, tried to scribble in my notebook and wound up talking to some sweet boy from the Ole Miss lacrosse team (they showed up for lunch).

About then was panic began to set in. I kept thinking about how I was going to get home and wasn't at all sure how that was going to happen. I always start to feel fuzzy before a seizure happens, so I can not be driving. But...what happens when you *have* to drive? I mean, I don't know anyone who is willing to drive 70 miles one way to come get me and then, what about the car? And what if I'd been off on an adventure by myself? What if I'd been in Kentucky? Not like I can call someone to come rescue me then.

So I stayed at The Shed for about half an hour after I was done eating, and then started myself home. I left the house this morning at 8:20 and was at Lora's by 9:35. So an hour and fifteen minuted drive. It took almost two and a half hours to get home this afternoon. I could feel myself getting fuzzy and having problems concentrating, so I'd stop for a little while until it cleared and then start again.

I really don't know how to best describe how terrifying it is when your body betrays you. One of our base assumptions is that our body is going to do what we want it to do, when we want it to do it. And when it doesn't...it's incredibly frustrating.

Got home and laid down with the puppy. Kinda slept but not really. I was going to do some spring cleaning when I got home but didn't make it to that. Guess that will be for tomorrow. Or tonight. Might start with the bathroom tonight. Or I might just vegetate because I'm still not feeling all that hot.

Think I'm going to have some of the ribs I brought home with me.

Even though I'm not really up to it, I wish there was someone here to play Scrabble with me. I haven't played in a really long time, and I have this deluxe edition game sitting behind the chair. When I was in Dirt Cheap, I was looking through their games and found a Balderdash...which I love. But once again, it wasn't priced right. And besides...Balderdash needs a a group to play. I can't even find someone to play Scrabble with me, so I don't know about Balderdash.

This has taken me forever to type. Tried to fix all my mistakes, but I have no idea if I got them or not. (I just typed "get" instead of "got". Good grief)

March 7, 2008

It was a good day, and I was cute. Went out with friends this evening; had a couple of cocktails.

Now am home...alone...and that sucks.

I am trying very hard to be patient. I am not good at that. I wish I were better at it, but my insecurity gets the best of me. Doubt creeps in and I'm stuck with myself. I'm not exactly sure how to fix that problem.

I have to go to the coast tomorrow to get my hair did. I think I'm going to need to remember to put the blanket in the car so I can sit on the beach for a little while. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Sitting on the beach and writing might be a good idea. At least for a little while. Take a toddy. I'm going to The Shed too. Have to. That's all there is to it.

Tomorrow afternoon Bill Clinton is supposed to be at Jones Junior College. I was thinking I might go check that out, but I don't know if I'll be back from the coast by then. That whole hair did/creative soul/bbq-beer drinking thing takes awhile, and it's probably not a good idea to rush it if you don't have to.

I need to paint my finger and toe nails. Green for St. Patrick's Day.

Speaking of which, I ordered some new jewelry today, some of it in honor of St. Patrick's Day. I hope it gets here in time. I actually feel the need for a wholescale change, but I'm not talented enough to change a couple of them because I'm pretty sure that it requires some specialized pliers. Plus, I don't know where I'd go to get it done now. None of the places here in Hattiesburg have a very good selection of beads...if they have beads at all (and I'm not replacing all of it since there's nothing wrong with the barbells or the hoops). Since Rings of Desire in New Orleans has closed, I can't think of anywhere to go. I actually kinda feel like I need another piercing, but not quite sure where that would go...

It's cold, and I need to get up early. Night y'all.

March 6, 2008

The outlet behind the bed is not working again. I didn't tell them when I dropped off the rent check because I need to clean the house before I give them license to let anyone in to fix it. Guess we know what I'm doing this weekend. I am not, however, pulling the bed away from the wall. I'm gonna let whoever they send do that.

Why on god's great earth am I watching Gangland on the History Channel? Tonight's episode is about gangs and the military.

There was a ton of stuff that I wanted to talk about, but I had what was apparently a very strong margarita and not much dinner. Thoughts are out of my head.

A friend is ending a 10 year relationship. She said that after ten years, it's become an after midnight 40-minute fuck every couple of months...and she deserves more. She's such a good person, and she's right, she does deserve more. For all the love and caring she puts out into the world, she deserves someone to respect her and love her and be there in the ways that she's there for everyone else who comes calling. She accepts that the relationship phase of her life is over.

Even at my lowest, I never believe that there won't be someone else to care for me. I might have moments (weeks) of doubt, but somewhere deep down, I know there will be someone. Probably not forever, but for long enough. I just can't believe that the rest of my life is meant to be spent alone. That this is all there is. I am lonely. Incredibly so at times. But I can't imagine being resigned to this for the next 50-60 years. Fulfillment and friends and education and all of those things don't make up for a lack of intimacy in your life.

The thunder is rumbling, and I think I need to go to bed. I'm tired and sad now so snuggling up with my doggie sounds like a good plan.