June 2008
Evening Update
My 4th of July plans have gone to hell. I was gonna be out at Gumbo Acres, lounging in the pool, having boat drinks, and just generally lazing about. Yeah, not going to happen now. Mark wants to go down to the coast. I am, of course, welcome to go, and they'll even wait for me to get done with Cookout for Cops before heading down.
I just don't want to spend the night on the coast, with folks I'm not all the comfortable with. Plus, I really don't want to leave the doggie alone all night long when the neighborhood will be erupting in all sorts of noise that makes puppies upset.
So. I don't know what I'm going to do. I suppose that I'll be here at the house. Packing. Drinking. I bought some ribs at the store today (cuz they were cheap), and I suppose I'll smoke those on the grill. I think maybe I'll get a couple of fountains and perhaps a couple of sparklers. Y'all know how much I enjoy the pretty, sparkly colors. I would really like to be somewhere poolside, though. I asked Polly what she was doing, and they don't have plans yet.
And now I've just made the decision that I won't be at the Cookout for Cops on Friday either. The JAC has been in charge of the event because it's his project. Yeah, we're no where near ready to go. And he had the balls to say that if he didn't get it planned by tomorrow, then I could just handle it. Yeah, kiss my ass motherfucker. It's not my fault that you fucked around for a month and didn't get things handled. My family knows that when push comes to shove, I will get things handled. It might not be the way they want it to be done, but it gets done.
My head is still killing me. Did I mention that the seemingly never-ending period has ended? And that it's happening in the middle of my cycle, which would explain why I could eat a horse and stil lbe hungry?
Late Afternoon Update
Johnny dropped by with two big rolls of packing tape. That means I have no excuse to not get to work. I really am trying to decide if I want to give up one of my Saturdays to do a yard sale or if I just want to donate everything that I'm not taking to somewhere like the Salvation Army and get the potential tax benefit.
I have to clean my dirty house tonight. And I need to go to the grocery store. I also need a nap, though. Not quite sure how all of those needs are going to get balanced...
Late Morning Update
I've been thinking about last night, and I have some apologizing to do. Here's the thing: I had a good time last night. I really did. I like spending time with the boy. He makes me laugh. The fact that it didn't wind up the way that I wanted it to doesn't change what the rest of it was.
And on top of that...I know that he has issues that he's struggling with. I should be more understanding of that. I try most of the time, but last night was not one of my finer moments. I'd like to be able to blame it on the alcohol, but I believe that either you're responsible for yourself and the harm you cause to others or you're not. So, drinking or not, I shouldn't have put him in that position.
This is the part that's hard for me, and I don't really know how to make it make sense. His issues trigger mine. I struggle with not being needy and clingy and all of those stupid things, and I work hard at being comfortable with myself. The insecurities remain, though, and lurking in the back of my mind, always, is that I'm not good enough. So, when he tells me no, for whatever reason, all of those insecurities come out to play, and I feel rejected. There's a little more to say there, but I really don't know how to say that, so it's just going to swim around in my head for a little bit longer.
I suppose I should be saying all of this to him.
Morning Update
My head is killing me. It started Saturday afternoon. I could feel it starting, but I tried to ignore it. I laughed so hard on Saturday that it brought on the headache. There was a point Saturday night when we were out that I thought I was going to puke because my head hurt so badly. Y'all know my theory about being unable to have just a "headache" anymore...that because those pain receptors have been turned on, that's what they know. So a headache is a migraine.
I will acknowledge that drinking probably didn't help the headache, but I have been popping the happy pills and drinking enough water to float. My head is still killing me. It probably also doesn't help that I didn't sleep well last night. *sigh* Kept waking up. Pretty disoriented most of the time.
I'm a little afraid that I might be suffering from a headache for the next month. I tend to get them when I'm a touch on the stressed side.
Sent an email to Dr. Rachal. Have got to get myself a timeline to get this whole dissertation thing in the bag. *sigh* I don't want to think about it, but I need to.
I also don't want to think about packing, but that's going to start tonight. Johnny is bringing me tape, and that means that tonight I'm going to start putting my books in boxes. It's probably also time to start doing some heavy-duty washing. The linens might ought to be clean before I put them in a box, eh? Toni is supposed to send me some dimensions on the rooms so I can start to figure out how all of that is going to work.
I need to figure out what I'm going to tell the PSB. I know he's going to ask about this weekend.
June 29, 2008
Late Evening Update
Just got home from having a "late lunch" and drinks with the boy. He spent lots of money on drinks, and I'm very intoxicated. But I'm home alone.
I want him. I don't want someone else. I want him. He's the reason why I won't let the PSB come see me next weekend and why there hasn't been any one else in over a year.
Morning Update
The job. The move. The end. All of it here.
It's another roadtrip Saturday with the girlies. There are actually only 3 of us going, so I don't know if it's exactly a road trip or not, but I'll take it.
When we get back home this evening, we'll be heading out with my friend Tina and her Five Dolla Man. Apparently he won big at the casino yesterday, and while the money is burning a hole in his pocket, he's ready to treat his girls right.
I gotta get in the shower. Have a beautiful day, y'all.
Late Evening Update
I was digging around in one of the drawers in the chest to find a pair of pants to wear to the store since I put my jeans in the washer so I could wear them tomorrow, and I just couldn't stop myself. I started pulling things out and putting them in a pile. Most of the dresser is now empty. I was pretty brutal in looking at all of those things. There are a few that I kept. Because. One Day. They'll fit. Again.
I need to go through the closet next. I'm thinking the pile is going to be as big. So much stuff that doesn't fit. So much stuff that I moved here (and it fits) but I've never worn. I don't see the point in moving it to Kentucky with me. Do you?
The PSB wants to take me out for a congratulatory dinner. I don't want to go. I told him that my weekends were looking to already be booked...and he said that he was thinking the weekend of 4th. I have plans on the 4th but the rest of the weekend is open, other than packing. Here's the thing: if he comes here, he's going to want to spend the night. It's a long drive back to the house. And I don't want him to stay. I want to say to him that he missed his chance. His chance lived in 2007, and it's just too late. Particularly now.
I'm not willing to give away another little piece of myself so close to leaving. I can't imagine for sure when I'll ever have sex again, but the prospect of a drought doesn't mean I'm ready to jump into something else.
Evening Update
So much to say tonight. *sigh* Where to start?
Meta is very near the end, I guess. They had hoped that with the hypercalcemia, she would slip into a coma. Eric called Shan yesterday around 10:30 in the morning and told her that she needed to come. She left work, and about halfway to Denver, the engine on the Celica blew. She had to hike half a mile or so to someone who had pulled over and use their cellphone. Recall that she refuses to have one. (that's the primary reason why I have one)
Eric came and got her (he can get an engine for $500 and since he is a mechanic, he can put it in). I guess Meta was awake for about two minutes after they arrived, and they've been unable to wake her since then.
I don't know what else to say other than that I feel so terribly bad for them. It's an awful thing to go through. I hate it for them, and I hate that another person who is so beautiful and caring is leaving too soon.
In other news...I suppose there's a lot that y'all need to be caught up on.
So back in May, I applied for a Language Arts Master Teacher position in Louisville, KY. After much wrangling and hand-wringing, I learned today that I have the job. I had planned to move on July 28th. Work through the 25th...because I won't have a pay check until the end of August. But I learned today that wasn't going to happen. I was told this morning that I have to report on July 28th to begin a week-long induction program for the district and that the week following that, would be an induction program for the school. August 8th, I officially report, and school for students starts on the 12th, I think.
It's doable. It just increases the stress a little. I'm not happy if I can't be stressed out about something, I suppose. So, the new plan is that I'll work through the 18th and spend that last week finishing up here. All the strapping young (and not so young) men I know will be invited to the house for beers and food to load the truck on Wednesday July 23. I will go to New Orleans for a tattoo and a piercing on July 24 (we can go early in the day and spend the day playing! Yay!) and then I either leave on Friday or Saturday. Unpack on Sunday and get to the business on Monday morning.
It's rushed, I know, but I can do it. Particularly if I start packing now. I was looking back through my posts in 2004, I couldn't find my moving list, but I know it's going to be a bitch. I have a ton of boxes already. I figure that Sunday I'll start work on the bathroom and spare bedroom. Maybe go through the clothing to figure out what's going and what's staying.
Have I mentioned that I really want to go bowling?
I need to find something for dinner. And have a cocktail. I haven't had one yet.
Morning Update
Yesterday was a hard day. I worry about what the first email from Shan is going to say today.
I want to go bowling.
My horoscope says that I'm supposed to let someone know what I want today...and that life is getting much, much sweeter. I've already put myself out there a few too many times to my mind, and I don't know if I'm willing to go there again. It gets tiring.
Still no word on the job.
Have to start packing this weekend. Have some smaller boxes that will be good for the books and all the pictures. I need to ask Shannon for news paper so I can start culling the stuff in the kitchen and packing it up. I'm supposed to have my notice back to the landlord today, letting them know if I want to renew my lease. I wonder if they're going to come back and seal up the front window and push the bedroom windows all the way down. Guess I'll ask them about that when I pay my rent. My utility bill was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I'm sure that having a drafty place get even more drafty isn't going to help next month's bill. *sigh*
That reminds me...I need to check into having utilities turned off and all of that stuff. I guess it's time to start the list isn't it?
Late Evening Update
Did some work for the writing project tonight. Find myself watery and weepy still. I bought cards to send to Eric and Shan. I'll write in them tomorrow. I've been reading some of the poems that have been left for my friend, and I think a couple are appropriate to send to them. One in particular by Neruda and another by Gibran.
I need red meat. I was thinking about a steak for dinner tonight, but when I was at the store, instead of buying one, I bought chicken. I'm not sure why. I'm thinking maybe tomorrow night. I've had roast beef sandwiches for lunch the last two days, but it's not cutting it. I haven't remembered to take my vitamins this week.
So, I had part four of the epiphany this morning. Each piece is connected, some it very closely so, but each piece is a little more terrible, a little more of a soul-killing blow.
At lunch today, we were talking about monogamy and relationships. I didn't put all of my thoughts out there, but while my friends were saying that they'd left a cheating husband without thought or that they could never trust again, I was thinking...I know what matters to me, and the things you're talking about aren't going to matter to me. I am apparently one of those special breeds of idiots who trusts and forgives as many times as asked. Which means I sign up for the hurt as many times as asked. *sigh* But I didn't say anything about that.
So, yesterday, I was talking with a friend and she'd told me that she'd been very worried because her husband was an ass and slept with someone else...which meant that she could have been exposed to all sorts of disease. She'd had a test for everything but AIDS. Because of health problems, her husband has had a test, and everything is fine. Strange that we were talking about that last night because one of the NPR programs that I listen to was talking about AIDS and women.
As I listened, and listened to some of the words the activist was using, I thought about myself. I haven't been as careful as I should have been. Which is stupid because, you know...The Rubber Conspiracy and all. I used to talk to people about safe sex and protecting themselves. There haven't been a lot of men in my life, but it doesn't take a whole lot to get yourself into trouble. I was tested before I moved here, but I've been here four years. It's time to do that again.
I was unkind today. I felt bad about it all afternoon and then finally had to do something about it. Not that it changed anything. Nothing changed. But I knew that before I even made the effort.
Late Afternoon Update
She's really gone. Got the confirmation earlier this afternoon. I suppose there are many horrible ways to die. Meta is suffering through one right now (more on that in a minute), but some are worse than others. She died of the familial version of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. She and I had conversations about language and statistics several times. She helped me with some stats homework, always so kind and patient. We talked about teaching and where I was going, what I was meaning to do, what I was meant to do. To have had her brilliance turned into the inability to even complete a simple sentence is...some sick idea of a joke, I suppose. She was terrified of dying that way. Apparently when things got terribly bad, she slipped away in an opium haze. There are a few things for which to be thankful, I suppose.
I have been a weepy, watery mess all day.
Shan sent an email this morning about Meta. I guess last night she was talking about heaven, and she asked Perry to give her enough pain medication to bring things to an end.
It's not fair. I know that life rarely is, but it's just not fair. I understand that bad things happen to good people, but dammit. Why do people who are blessings to those that they touch have to suffer so terribly? And why are pieces of shit living into their dotage? I want to ask why but I know there is no real answer to that.
As someone else has said today, may your soul have a shining and blissful flight home.
Morning Update
Yesterday was a bit disjointed. I get the feeling that today is going to drag ass. If it weren't pay day, I'd be very tempted to call in. Went over to a friend's last night and drank way too much Maker's Mark with no real dinner. Then at 2:30 the neighbors were apparently having a party. If I weren't intoxicated and naked, I would have gotten up and gone outside to tell them that I was trying to sleep. I considered yelling at them through the window but decided that wasn't all that classy. Eventually I passed back out.
I want some biscuits and gravy for breakfast.
I had some really odd dreams this morning. I meant to write about them, but now that I'm actually up, I can't remember them. That's probably for the best.
I'm thinking about death and dying this morning. Not just because of Meta, although that figures high on the list.
There are a couple of places that I post online. A couple of communities that I feel a part of. It's interesting, I think, how strong the bonds between strangers can be. Most of my girlfriends here in Hattiesburg I've met and become close to because of our online connection. There are a couple of other places that I post, and while I've met a few of those women (my friend Kymmie in Pensacola that I have to see before I leave), most of them I haven't.
One of those extraordinary women from one of those other places has passed away apparently. She's been ill for a very long time and has lived with pain forever. And now she's gone. We think. We're waiting for some sort of official confirmation of that, but we're fairly certain that she has gone on to whatever comes next. The grief is incredible. Most of us never met her. Some of us talked to her on the phone. Many of us exchanged words online. But for some, the connection was intense...and now she is gone.
Namaste sweet dear one. Peace be with you on your journey and rest well, knowing you have been and continue to be loved.
Late Evening Update
Very strange interview, but I think I got the job. Won't know for sure until Tuesday. Not all that intrested in writing about it. Sorry. It is a rather funny story in person, I guess. I am a good story-teller.
I'm still sad. Perhaps even more so.
I have a whole bunch of thoughts, but I can't really write about any of them here. So.
I guess I'm going to go to bed. Since I was out drinking with friends this evening and the doggie was left in her crate, that means I'm taking her to bed with me.
Afternoon Update
Half an hour and I head for the house. I'm feeling pretty pessimistic right this minute. I'm also slightly annoyed, but more about that later. *sigh* I really, really want this over with. I should know tonight, I think, if I got the job or not. He apparently wants to make the decision tonight so he can leave on vacation tomorrow.
Late Morning Update
Had part three of the epiphany this morning. Makes me feel even more like shit. Mainly because I realize how incredibly stupid I was. God. Were they laughing at me the entire time? It feels like they must have been. That's the only thing that makes any sense. So foolish to have even thought for a minute that I might mean something.
I'm sad.
I wonder who using a state of Colorado computer in Ault was checking in at 11:31? Those are the things that I am puzzled about when I check IP addresses. Who's behind those numbers and how did they get here?
Nervousness about the interview has basically evaporated. I'm sure that it's going to return shortly before, but for right now, it's gone. I've got my notes. I'll be ready. I just have to remember to breathe. And answer the questions that are asked of me.
Got an email from Shan this morning. Apparently it wasn't the best night with Meta. Talked about the indignity of the end of life. Makes my whinging seem a little...self-indulgent. I hate that they're having to go through this. Anything I say seems so inadequate and wrong.
Morning Update
So very nervous. I can't wait for 4:30 to get here. I still don't know where I'm going to go for the actual interview. I guess I'll come home. I hope they're not here working on the windows or some such (that's a story for when I have time to tell it).
It's a good thing that I apparently keep the doggie in a state that is just this side of starvation. When I let her out the door this morning to potty, she took off around the side of the house like a shot. Here's me...in the robe and barefoot. It's early in the morning, and I really didn't feel like chasing after her. So, I stood on the porch and waited. Either she was gonna come back or she wasn't. She did. I'm not really sure what my plan was if she didn't. Cry probably.
Took about a minute before she was sliding back into the front yard, trying to gooble up the cat food that the contractor dumped in the front yard. (yeah, that gives her gas. *sigh*) She did her thing and then was vaulting on to the front porch, crashing into the screen door.
As anticipated, I did not sleep well last night. Didn't even get to bed until after midnight. That on top of the cold means I am exhausted this morning. This day is going to drag on and on and on. *sigh* There are a couple of other things that I'm stressed about in addition to this stupid interview. One of them it's incredibly stupid of me to be upset about because it's just more of the same. Things I know, but it's always still a little difficult when you're slapped in the face with it. The other...well, I don't even know what it is, but an off-handed comment has me paranoid.
Have a hair appointment on Saturday morning. LK and I are going down. It was supposed to be this whole huge girls trip, but that's OK. Get the hair did, and stop for some bbq. Maybe go somewhere and do a little scribbling in my little black book.
Talked to Beth last night. It looks like I'll be out at their house for the 4th. After Cook-out for Cops. We'd talked about going down to the coast to watch the fireworks over the beach, but I really was not enthused about the idea of spending the night at Bill and Jamie's. Plus there's my doggie. I'll take her out to Beth and Mark's and she and George Harrison can be basketcases together. While the adults float in the pool and have boat drinks.
Very Late Evening Update
Got my notes together, and I'm feeling much better about things. For some reason, though, I can't remember all the strategies we used in the study group the writing project last year. I need to email Robin about those in the morning. *sigh* Still nervous as all hell, though.
I need a steak. I've been bleeding essentially for two weeks now, heavily the last week. I can feel the iron has leeched right out of me. Stress. Stress. Stress.
Late Evening Update
I'm a freakin' basket case. I've doing more reading about single-sex education and it appears that the guy who is pushing it now is basing his conclusions on some rather shaky science. Which I can't support. But that just means that I can steer the conversation to best practices.
I think I need to puke. Seriously. Ughh.
Need to read more about instructional coaching. And to be able to talk about my professional development experience. My notes page is now two pages long. About to get longer.
Still don't know where I'm going to "go" for my interview. *sigh*
So very nervous. I want *this* job. Not another one. *This* one.
Evening Update
Have felt a bit like passing out all day long. That's not good. Chills and burning up, dripping sweat. That's not good either. Have I mentioned that I'll be happy when I have health insurance again?
Tomorrow is my interview. I have a bunch of stuff to read tonight. Need to get on it. Thinking about making some cookies...either chocolate chip or oatmeal butterscotch to help with the stress.
Morning Update
Still feeling like poo.
The cats did not sleep with me last night. I woke up paranoid that they had managed to get out of the house because the windows and walls are a little messed up right now. They're here, though. They're just making themselves comfortable in the window of the spare bedroom. With the window unit gone in there, they have all sorts of things to look at now.
I'm watching the news, and the traffic guy on WLOX just said, "Just a reminder to all of you out of state tourists, if you're going to sight-seeing, please stay in the right-hand lane." Every time he says something like that, it cracks me up because it's not the tourists who are the problem. It's the locals who don't realize that the left lane is not a travel lane. I should see if I can find that piece of writing I did three summers ago about the exact same thing.
If I get this job in Kentucky, there are several books I'm going to need to get my grubby hands on. Like this and this and this. Tonight I need to finish reading about literacy instruction for boys and do some reading about instructional coaching. Then I need to get all of that information organized so I can have it ready to go tomorrow afternoon. Starting to get very nervous.
I called HR yesterday because I still haven't received my pre-employment offer. They said they mailed it on the 5th, but they're going to send another one. I wonder if it wound up in the neighbor's mailbox and she just didn't give it to me. I did get my Kentucky teaching license yesterday. I suppose I should go on and send that to Jefferson County. In order to renew it in 5 years, I either have to get 3 years of teaching experience, or I have to have 6 more credits. Guess they want me to get that math certification. *sigh*
I'm running behind. Gotta get in the shower and get dressed. Figure out something for breakfast.
Evening Update
I'm sick. Fever and chills and ache. Sick. I thought I was having hot flashes this morning, but apparently that wasn't it at all. The doggie breathing her hot breath on me is seriously annoying. It's not her fault, but it's still annoying. I don't have time right this minute to be sick.
I've been reading about single-sex education this evening. Made some notes...a crib sheet if you will. And in a minute, when the fog clears, I'm going to read about boys' literacy. Some interesting things I've read already. Like boys' brains don't catch up to women's until boys are in their 30s. No wonder I have such problems. *sigh*
The doggie is still annoying me. I feel bad. She just wants some love. Me too, Cob, me too. Being sick by yourself sucks rocks.
They still haven't fixed the back bedroom, even though when the landlord called this morning, he told me that they were going to get it to 110%. Came home to find that they'd removed the front window unit, but apparently the plexiglass they were going to put in its place didn't fit. They used one of my boxes instead. Fuckwits. So tomorrow I'll be telling Mr. Tadlock they need to provide me with a new box.
I need a fan. The AC is set at 77 and I have the the ceiling fans going, but I'm still sweating. I have no clue how I'm going to get to sleep. I used to have an oscillating fan, but I got rid of it because it was so incredibly loud. Maybe some ice cream will help.
Ugh. I need to finish reading.
I may have a solution to the cat-dog-moving dilemma. I'll have to pay for gas for a car trip there and back, but. It could work. I just don't know if I can handle the critters in such a confined space.
Morning Update
What a beautiful sunrise this morning. I generally don't pay attention to it, or I get out the door after the sun has already risen. This morning, though, it was insistent. The entire eastern sky from the horizon on up was just on fire. Beautiful deep orangey-pink.
I need to call that HR person in Louisville today because she hasn't returned my emails and the paperwork she said would arrive has not. That makes me nervous. Mercury has been in retrograde, so I suppose that answers a bit of why there's been some mix-ups in communication.
I think today is the day I start taking my vitamins again. I'm in need of some iron. It's been a long couple of weeks.
So, I read this post this morning, and I'm all sniffly myownself. I want to believe. I see people around me who have gotten it right, and I know it's not impossible. I just don't know if it's for me or not. I would like to think that it is, but I'm defective, I guess. No one wants me for very long. You'd think that in the eight years since X has been gone or the four years since I ended things with Coach (I don't know exactly how to classify that "relationship"), there would have been something. Guess not, and since I'm the common denominator...
I told myself I wasn't going to go there anymore because it's not good for me when I get into that funk. Even though I don't say it very often, it's always lurking under the surface. It was particularly bad yesterday morning...that whole I'm-not-good-enough-and-will-never-be refrain that I get stuck on some times was playing.
Late Evening Update
Finally got around to putting the right name on the baby quilt tonight Took me probably an hour to sew that little circle on the quilt. Never fear, I will tell them that is my work. Not The Quilted B's. Mine. Sorry. Apologize profusely. I needed a thimble.
My head is killing me. I know why. I cried earlier and that is sure to give me a monster headache. And I didn't do any of the reading I needed to in order to be prepared for Wednesday. That stress is also guaranteed to give me head-splitting pain.
I'm actually kinda generally sore right now. When I was driving, I noticed that my arthritic hip was killing me. Sharp, shooting pain. My tummy is also not feeling all that hot. I have to say that I can't wait to have health insurance again...so I can go to the doctor and get some things checked out. There are a few things that I'm a little on the worried side about.
I think I'm going to toddle off to bed. I'll get up in the morning and vacuum.
Early Evening Update
The doggie and I got in the car, pointed ourselves east on a backroad, and before we knew it, we were in Alabama. I forgot to take the camera. There were quite a few sights I would have liked to have taken pictures of, but since I'm forgetful, it didn't happen. The entire time we were gone, I was thinking that I didn't really want to be in the car. *sigh* It was good to get out of the house, but I don't think that was exactly what I needed.
Part of it is the worry about gas prices, and part of it is that I'm paranoid the car isn't running right. I'm sure it is, but I'm not happy if I can't worry about something.
While I was out, saw lots and lots of motorcycles. It's a happy thought that I will be one of those people next summer. All summer off to play. Trips through the Bourbon country. I think that will be fun.
As the doggie and I were driving, it hit me that I'm not exactly sure how this move is going to work with the dog and the cats. It's going to be just me driving the truck from Hattiesburg to Louisville. The car will be on a trailer behind the truck. Which means that in the cab of the truck, which is not at all spacious, if I'm remembering right, I'm going to have to figure out how to make a dog and two cats comfortable. True the cats will be sedated, but it takes a lot to knock the Peach out and she cries most of the way. Combine the Peach with an excited dog, and I'm thinking it's going to be a miserable 9 hour drive.
So, last weekend, I had part one of the epiphany. Saw some pictures that I didn't know existed, and was upset about them. Because I'm slow, part two of the epiphany didn't happen until today. And then I was upset all over again. Weepy and sad and beating myself up. Again. I am reminded...again...that I particularly don't care for liars. A couple of weeks ago, I had a conversation with someone about cheating, and I maintain there are worse things. For me...it's lying. Don't lie to me.
I really don't want to be one of those suspicious bitches, checking up and holding out for proof and always wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. I don't want to expend that kind of energy, wasting my time and effort.
How do you know if you can trust someone? When do you believe what you're being told and when do you call bullshit and walk away?
My head is killing me. I have chicken smoking on the grill (using up the stuff in the freezer), and I have reading I need to do. Plus I need to vacuum and put some books in boxes. My landlord is supposed to be by tomorrow to tell the contractors what to do about that back wall.
I'm watching some program on the History about torture devices. I'm not exactly sure why I think this is a good idea. Gonna go make come creamy, cheesy grits to go with my smoked, bbq'ed chicken.
Early Afternoon Update
Yesterday's whinging about my mani/pedi.
I've got to get out of this house. The walls are starting to press in. I feel like laying in the sunshine next to a body of water, but I ain't driving all the way to the coast for that. I don't feel like being around people I know, asking me how I am, which means the pool at Polly's and Gumbo Acres is out. So. I don't know where I'm going to go instead.
Speaking of the walls pressing in, the neighbor came over Friday night and wanted to chat. I don't quite understand people who don't pick up on social cues that say, "I don't want to talk to you." She was going on and on about how awful this house is, saying the same thing probably ten times. According to her, the reason the landlord is "fixing the place up" is so he can sell it. I don't see it selling in this market...and he'd have to do more than slap a coat of paint on it. You can just look at it and tell that it's got some serious problems. Which the neighbor went on to enumerate: termite damage (guess the wall in her bathroom fell in while her daughter was taking a bath...the boyfriend fixed it), which I know about because the wall in the spare bedroom is in some incredibly bad shape because of termite damage; lack of supports under the house. She said something about how for a house this size, there's supposed to be 8, but there are only 4. Which would, according to her, explain why the toilet in her bathroom literally fell through the floor.
She said many, many times that the back corner of the house was literally sitting on the ground and that I should go around and take a look. I did, and she's right. On my side of the duplex, there's a brick foundation. On her side, towards the front of the house, the brick is there, but as you get to the back of the house, it gets smaller and smaller until eventually, that back corner of the house literally is sitting on the ground. I'm thinking that I need to call my friend King Kong and see if he still has contacts in the building department in Hattiesburg. Thinking about making a call as soon as I'm out of here. Just because I'm still a little upset about that conversation.
That's the bitchy part of me that I really don't like.
OK. I suppose I need to get dressed, have some lunch, and then go get in the car. Still have no clue where that doggie and I are going, but we're going somewhere. Dammit.
Late Evening Update
I'm watching Bruce Almighty. Still contemplating going to a movie, but I'm probably not going to, though.
Cob spilled my drink. I probably didn't need it anyway. I wish gas didn't cost an arm and a leg. I'd go for a drive tonight. Funny that my friend and I were talking about that at lunch. She was saying that she hasn't had a chance for the country drives that are so helpful in writing her books. I do my best thinking in the car, and I haven't done a lot of that recently.
I've been meaning to write myself. I really want to write about these thoughts about moving on, the ties that bind, and the things that are left behind. The boy has said a few things to me that actually were kinda hurtful about the fact that I'm leaving, and that prompted the thoughts. It's not like it's been easy to make this decision. I'm just not ready to put them down, I guess. That or to really do that kind of writing, I need to do it in my little notebook, with one of my pens. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll go to Cafe Boheme with my notebook and sit out back on their deck to do a little writing.
So...there's a new puppy who wants to come play. I so am not interested. He's trying, though, bless his heart. Getting divorced, so I imagine that he'd be after anyone. And then there's another. I'd mentioned that I wanted to go to a particular place before I left, and he said that he'd never been there either, that he would take me (not holding my breath). At the birthday party, there was a moment of awkwardness there. I suppose it could be considered flattering, but I've seen me. So, instead of being flattering, it's something else entirely.
Think I'm going to shut this down so I can finish reading about the Pink Carnation.
Early Evening Update
So much for that nap. *sigh* I tried, but nothing doing.
My pedicure is even worse than I thought it was. I dug that sliver of glass out of my toe because it hurt and the pedicure scrapped off enough of the skin to reveal where it went in. Took about half an hour to get it out (hurt like hell), and it was about half an inch long. Gross. But, back to the pedicure...guess I'm going to have to scrub it myself. *sigh*
I can remember when X and I were together, on the weekends, I'd sit on the kitchen counter in the apartment, my feet soaking in the sink. Then I'd scrub them and rinse them off and continue with the process. Once after playing basketball, Jason came in the kitchen to get a drink and was like, "What the hell?" Wonder when and why I quit that process.
My friends are going out again tonight, but I don't feel like it again tonight. I think I might go to the movies later. I don't know if I want to see The Hulk or The Happening.
Off to earn my money. I can only have a drink after I respond to a poem. *sigh*
Afternoon Update
My manicure/pedicure experience was less than satisfactory. They did the polish on my finger nails three times. It bubbled horribly the first time, and the lady tried to blame it on me, saying that I must have touched my clothing. Now...I've been doing my nails for awhile now, and as bubbles are my pet peeve, I know that bubbles don't happen because you touch your clothing. They happen because the polish is old or because it has been applied too thickly. At any rate, not my fault regardless. So they re-did the fingers that were bubbled the worst with the same polish...and they bubbled again. Switched to a different polish, and there was still some bubbling, although not nearly as bad. I figure that later this evening, I'll remove it and start all over.
About the only reason to go get my nails done is so someone takes care of my cuticles. And that at least was done nicely. The hand massage sucked. As did the foot/leg massage. *sigh* That could be due to where I went, but the last time I went to a "spa", it sucked too.
I went to lunch with a friend and as a belated birthday pressie, I got four short wardrobe boxes, six large boxes, and a big ol' huge bag of homemade pralines.
Think a nap sounds like a really good idea.
Morning Update
Apparently my server was having issues last night, and since I wasn't in the mood, I didn't continue to play with it. Went to bed and stayed there forever it seems like. Still sad this morning. Thought about making pancakes, but I don't feel like going through the effort, even though I'm hungry.
I've got to get in the shower because I've got things to do today.
I'm pissed off at the jackassclown right now. We're doing the raffle ticket drawing today, and he needs someone to pick up his tickets. Of course, he waits until the last minute and didn't do anything about it last night when he could have given it to people who would have dropped it off at the Hut. Instead, he tells me, after I tell him that I'm busy this morning, "If I don't hear from you, I'll just give people their money back." Ummmmm...you did hear from me asshole. Make other fucking arrangements. While you were out yesterday buying a new car, you could have dropped them off at the Hut. So don't try to put this off on me. Jackassclown.
(If I don't hear from Shannon that he picked them up, then I'll do it. Because it's about the organization. Not how much I think he's an idiot)
Alright. I'm going. Y'all be good.
June 20, 2008
Late Evening Update
I smoked pork chops on the grill tonight. They were so yummy. So yummy that I want to have the second one, but I won't. I'm going to save it for tomorrow. Dinner.
Friends went out tonight, but I didn't feel like it. I am still so very sad. I'm going to finish my cocktail, take out my eyeballs, and take myself off to bed.
Early Afternoon Update
There's lots of thoughts floating around in my head right this minute, but I don't know what to do with them. There are things I'd like to say, but I don't know where...or even how...to say them.
The bookkepper is here talking about all these changes we're going to have to make because she's not going to be doing x, y, and z...and I don't care. I just look at her and nod my head. Because before long, it's not going to be my problem. Which reminds me, I have to send an email to Jason to let him know that I'm going to need off early next Wednesday. And on the 24th. I actually feel like going home sick this afternoon. I'm so overwhelmingly sad right this minute that all I really want to do is curl up in the bed and cry. Didn't feel that way this morning.
Morning Update
Strange dreams last night. In the first one, I was out at a bar with a whole bunch of my friends. Friends from here, friends from Nevada. Everyone was having a fantastic time. Not exactly sure what we were doing, but we were having fun. I kept looking at the door, though. Waiting for someone to show up. He never did, and that started to make me sad. I left and went home, crying.
Then Polly and I were riding a little Honda Rebel through a snowstorm in Colorado. We had apparently flown into Denver and then were riding this tiny little motorcycle off into the swirling winds. At one point in time, I said, "These roads are slick as glass!" And Polly laughed. we were going so slow because of the road conditions that there were a couple of people on mountain bikes next to us, just keeping up. We lost them, though, when they spotted a wreck off the side of the hill. They were concerned that someone was still stuck in the Jeep, but I could tell by the hats on the guys standing next to it, that the cops were already there.
Odd.
Some of you will remember my Unfortunate Incident With the Needle. (Summer 2002...before I got serious about this website thing) For those of you who don't remember, Amber and I were staying at an apartment across from USM's campus. As we were packing up and cleaning, I apparently managed to ram a needle (that had been hidden in the carpet) into my big toe. I remember that it hurt going in, but I couldn't find a puncture wound. In the two weeks it took me to get home from Mississippi (stop in Missouri to do yard work, stop in Colorado to visit Shan...which included a pedicure as part of a spa day), that toe continued to hurt and it started to get angry red and swollen. When I finally got home, I went to see Dr. Bonnie Raitt, who got out the scalpel. After just a couple of minutes of digging, a 2" needle came popping out of my big toe. Then of course, there were x-rays and shots because if the needle had hit the bone and damaged it (or even just scraped it), I could have been in trouble. *sigh*
All of that to say, that I think there's a sliver of glass in my big toe right now. I felt it go in last night when I was walking the dog (with all of the work on the house, they've broken a couple of windows and have not done a very good job of cleaning up. I remember thinking that I needed to be careful in my flipflops), but once again, I couldn't see a puncture wound. It sure as hell hurts right now, though. Not sure what I'm going to do about it. I don't want to do a whole bunch of digging and pressing on it because that could make a bad situation worse. *sigh*
Early Evening Update
I'm having nachoes for dinner. I wanted to have them two weeks ago, but I have been putting it off. I think tomorrow night will be smoked pork chops on the grill. Since Jane got me that smoker box for my birthday! (I love Jane!)
They were in the house again today and didn't bother to tell me. *sigh* That pisses me off in ways that it probably shouldn't. But it does.
I was going to write about the boy, but I was just reading somewhere else, where a blogger was writing about the various permutations of her relationships, and those kind of details about thoughts and feelings don't quite seem right to put out there for everyone to consume. There's something that diminishes, not that there's much there to protect. Just that I feel like I should.
Made my appointment for the tattoo. July 24. 5:30. I'm gonna have to take off early on my next to last day of work. Now that I think about it, considering that I'll be packing that weekend, it's probably not the best idea to get a tattoo on Thursday, but I wanted to make sure that I had my writing project money so I could pay cash. I have to say that it's not nearly as expensive as I thought it would be, particularly since he's supposed to be that good. It's considerably bigger than what's on my neck, but only about $100 more than what's on my neck. That means that I can get a couple of repiercings done while I'm there. Do you know what that means? I do. If you don't, then you probably might not ought to ask.
I'm going to get that manicure and pedicure Saturday morning. I imagine that I'll be supporting terrorists or some such (according to the boy), but I don't want to do it myself. BEsides, the Sner's boy sent me just enough money to get it done.
Late Morning Update
Meta is home. I guess the doctor said that continuing to treat the hypercalcemia was continuing to treat the cancer, and that if they continued to treat the cancer, Meta would be removed from hospice. Apparently the decision now is how do they want Meta to die: to slip painlessly into a coma due to hypercalcemia, to suffocate from the pleural fluid, or to go into multi-organ failure from the low blood levels. Gee...what a choice. They're giving her two weeks.
I haven't responded to the last message from Shan. I don't know what to say. This is such a huge thing for her...and for her family...and I don't know what to say or do. I know that saying nothing is the worst possible approach, but I'm struggling to find words that aren't trite. Or worse, patronizing.
I think tonight after the Jaycee's meeting (anyone want to buy a chance to win a $500 gas card? We're having a raffle on Saturday. Two tickets for $5), I'm going to go through the stuff in the bathroom and have a bunch of stuff ready for the trash tomorrow. I figure if I can maybe take a room per week until it's time to go, the packing process won't be all that bad. The spare bedroom is mostly just books. And more books. And more books. Should probably really think about getting rid of a bunch of them, huh? It's not like I re-read them or anything. Well...some of them I do, but it's been a really long time.
Morning Update
I wrote a lot yesterday, didn't I? And then I was griping about not getting to do any writing for myself. *sigh*
I didn't wake up when I was supposed to this morning. I know why. I didn't sleep very well last night. Woke up a couple of times with my knee literally screaming. OK, not literally screaming, but it hurt enough to bring a tear to the eye. Don't know why, can't think of what I might have done to it.
I'm trying to think of what all I need to do today. It's not coming to me because I over-slept. No clue what I'm going to wear today. Here's to hoping that with the new moon and Mercury starting the process of heading direct, there won't be any more upsets like yesterday.
Evening Update
I wanted to do some writing for myself tonight, but I've been busy responding to other people's writing. Since they're paying me a bunch of dollars to do it, I figured I ought to get caught up. I had forgotten how hard it is to be a good responder. It's a very tactful process. Writing is such a highly personal thing and when you criticize someone's writing, it's a criticism of self. Particularly when someone is sharing something that is painful.
It was especially difficult tonight because I was responding to poetry. I am not a poetry person. I never have been. Neither as a writer nor a reader. I'm not sure where I got off the track with it, but I don't think I've ever really liked it. But that ws what was served up tonight. *sigh*
I was talking to someone the other day who said that if she could have, she'd have majored in poetry and been happy to take 48 credits of poetry. That sounds like absolute hell to me. Then again, I didn't really like all of the fiction. I wish we'd read more expository text. Those essays. I like essays. I haven't found anything on which I'd like to write an essay, but I'm searching.
I don't think I'm ever going to see the boy again.
I've called the tattoo place twice. They have the picture, and they were supposed to call today. I'm going to call again tomorrow and then that will be it. The guy I talked to today was enthusiastic and said they'd seen it and Walt was excited about it and as soon as he finished that tattoo, he'd give me a call. Got busy I guess.
I feel a bit like the vultures are circling. I've had people asking me about my job and now about my house. Which is OK, but criminy. I'm nowhere near gone.
Late Afternoon Update
Did I mention that Meta is back in the hospital? I guess she was admitted last night for hypercalcimia, which is the same thing that landed her in the hospital in Connecticut. They anticipate that she will be there until at least Saturday while they try to get the calcium levels under control. It's not good at all. I know I begin to sound like a broken record about this, but I feel so bad. I don't know what to do.
So, this morning when I was so upset, I actually wound up talking to Coach. *sigh* I don't know what it is or how he knows, but boom, right there in the middle of my sniffling, there was a text from him. Then when I said I was upset, there was a call. I boo-hooed, and he offered to kick someone's ass for me. Not that he would ever do such a thing because he is a bit of a pretty boy, but I suppose it's the thought that counts.
If someone wanted to buy this book ,and have it shipped to me overnight so I could read it in time for my interview, that would be GREAT! (Seriously...I could use that book) And speaking of interviews, it looks like my interview is going to be next Wednesday at 4:30. Nervous about it, but there's a whole bunch of time for me to get organized and ready for it. I think it's going to be good. I know basically what to expect. I'm good in interviews, plus they already want me. So. If I don't put my foot in it too badly, I should be OK. I'll take off from work around 4:00 so I can get somewhere and get relaxed before they call. I don't know if that somewhere is the house or not. I worry about my signal at the house, and my furbabies might be distracting. Where might I go instead? Hmmmmmm....will have to think some more about this.
So, this morning, before I called the landlord, I called PODS to see how much it would cost to use them to move instead of having to worry about getting a truck to drive to Louisville. Yeah, won't be doing that. They want almost $2,000. That's incredible to me. They don't pack anything, or load it, or unload it, or unpack it. And they want $2,000. That's incredible! It was something like $427 for the container for a month. $37 for delivery fee in Louisville. And almost $1500 for mileage. A week ago, I did a check on a budget truck...same size I used to move down here (think I could get by with the smaller one this time since I'm downsizing)...and it was $450. I don't think gas is going to cost me $1500 to get the 9 hours to Louisville. Considering that it cost $50 to put 12.8 gallons in my car this afternoon, and my car undoubtedly gets better gas mileage than a moving truck, I suppose it's possible that gas could cost in excess of $500.
Early Afternoon Update
Today has not started better. I was so angry with my landlord after talking to him that I was crying. Seems like it doesn't take much these days to make me cry, but that conversation was a doozy. *sigh*
I was in the middle of telling him how disconcerting it was to come home from work yesterday and find that someone had been in my house, moved my things, pawed through my belongings, and he said to me, "What do you want? Cut to the point."
I'm sorry. Excuse me? What in hell do you think you're doing? So, I took a breath, and said, "I've been a tenant...and a good one...for four years. My rent is always on time. I don't create problems for you. Don't you dare speak to me like I'm one of your trash renters when you're the one who is in the wrong here."
I was so angry! I must have sounded really upset because my boss came back around from the corner and was just standing there. When I got off the phone (another 10 minutes), he asked if everything was OK.
In the course of the continued conversation, my landlord kept intimating that I should be grateful he was doing work on the house at all. Sweet Jesu! It's his property. His investment. His responsibility. It's needed a coat of paint the entire time I've lived there. The entire bathroom needs to be torn out because it's caked in mold...and has been since I moved in. It's great that he's finally taking some time (and spending some money) to fix the place up, but that doesn't excuse the fact that there was someone in my house and I wasn't notified. When I should have been.
He said he would go over there and check to see if they would be in the house again today, then let me know. Took about 2 hours, but he finally called back and said they would be in the house from 3-5.
Going to lunch. More when I get back.
Morning Update
Yesterday was a crappy day. Here's to hoping today is 10 times better.
Evening Update
It's been a shitty day. Really shitty.
Found out this afternoon that I won't be getting a math endorsement on my Kentucky teaching license. Apparently in Kentucky, in order to get an additional endorsement, you have to have a "major" in that subject. Which means 48 hours in that topic. I have 20-21 undergraduate math credits and 3-6 (I can't remember if I took one or two grad math classes) graduate credits in math. That means, I'd need another 25 or so credits in math in order to get an endorsement in math. The lady who I was talking to said that I could always take those additional hours. I laughed. And laughed again. Then I said, "Yeah, I'm almost done with a PhD that has a minor in statistics. I don't see me going back for 10 math classes."
Blow number one.
Then when I got home tonight, I discovered that someone had been in my house. Scared the shit out of me to walk in and notice that the door to the spare bedroom was closed. My bed and the dresser had been moved. Someone had been pawing through my towels. They've been painting the outside of the house, and apparently they were inside because they are replacing the rotten window frames. Which needs to be done. But I'm pissed because I didn't know they were going to be in my house. I wouldn't mind if I had known...and could have tucked away things like the cash I got for my birthday. But I sure as hell do mind that they went through my cabinets. And that I can't find a piece of my vacuum. And that the sink is filthy.
I'm going to call and talk to the landlord tomorrow. Not that it's going to do me any good, but it pisses me off.
I cleaned house a little bit tonight. I am overwhelmed by how much I have to do in order to get ready to go. There's so much to get rid of and so much to pack. Good lord.
I don't really have much else to say tonight. Shocking I know. Going to bed.
Morning Update
Yesterday's ramblings about nothing in particular.
It took forever to get to sleep last night...again. When I woke up this morning, though, I was having some very good dreams about Louisville. Everything was going well and falling into place. The teaching was good and everything else was swimming along just the way it's supposed to.
I don't feel so anxious today, but I am still sad. I guess that will go away eventually.
I emailed the guy about a tattoo last night, and he responded. I need to call him tody to set up an appointment. Also need to get him the pic so he can work on it.
I need to call Kentucky this morning as well. *sigh* Two calls to Kentucky, actually.
If I hadn't told Perry County no, I would have been approved by the board last night.
Late Evening Update
Went to bunco. Didn't really want to go. Came home from work and took a nap. Didn't feel better about it once I was there. I'm just uninterested in general. Won a beautiful picnic basket. Not exactly sure what I'm going to do with it. I've got one that I've had forever and have never used. There's no one to go on a picnic with. *sigh* Maybe there will be someone crawl out of the woodwork in Kentucky. Or maybe I'll just take myself...although my backpack picnic thing would probably work better if I were out exploring by myself.
I need to call tomorrow and get things hammered out about my contract and the pay scale, etc. Since I was given a Rank 1 license, it should be exactly what I'm thinking it will be. I need to find out, though, if I contribute to the retirement system like I did here or if the district covers it all like they did in Nevada. And insurance. I need to find out about insurance. I can't wait to have insurance again. I think I need have a whole bunch of tests done. It's been awhile. Should probably have an EEG done to make sure my head's still OK.
My tummy does not feel good.
Beth wants to do a big weekend in New Orleans before I leave. Get a room at the Royal Sonesta, have oysters at the Oyster Bar Desire. Dance, drink, sing. I could go for that. Except that's expensive. I do want to go over to New Orleans to get my tattoo before I go, though. Which reminds me...I need to submit the invoice for that work. I also need to talk to the tattoo people at the tattoo shop.
I should be getting ready for my interview. I printed a bunch of stuff to read so that I can sound like I know something. I really am nervous that I'm going to be a spectacular failure at this.
At any rate. It's late. I'm tired. My heart still hurts. I need to go to bed.
Early Afternoon Update
Kentucky issued a license on Thursday. It, however, only lists an endorsement for English...both middle grades (5-8) and secondary (8-12). I'm thinking that's because they didn't have my page that said math as well. I would have called them about it by now, but I went off and left my cell phone at the house. I'll swing by the house on my lunch and see if I can't get something straightened out. Unless the school district is already on top of it.
Tomorrow night I've got to start getting organized for a yard sale to get rid of a bunch of stuff that I'm not going to move to Kentucky with me. Beth told me I have to have my yard sale the first weekend of the month...which means the fourth of July. I see a lot of clothes, shoes, and video tapes on the block. I should probably go through books and see how many of those I'm getting rid of too. *sigh* And some kitchen stuff. I'm keeping a bunch of that, but there's a lot that can be gotten rid of. Like I need four hundred mis-matched plates. I'm keeping my cute shoe plates, though. I don't know what kind of prices to put on things. When Cari has a yard sale, all of the clothes are a quarter. Just because that's easier. I dunno. What do y'all think?
I'm still feeling like doom is right around the corner. Like there's something terrible about to happen. Fortunately when I have these feelings it's generally short-lived and nothing too terrible happens...although Meta did come home from the hospital--finally--last night. They've engaged hospice and they've set up the hospital bed and all of that. Shan said she did some searching this morning on "end stage cancer symptoms", and she said Meta has them all. Terminal dementia is one. According to what Shan found, it's a matter of weeks. Maybe that's what I'm feeling.
Morning Update
I didn't sleep well last night. Took forever to actually get there.
My horoscope says that I've been down this road before, and I think I know the pitfalls and potholes...that I'm steeling myself for what is to come next. But the road has changed, and everything that exists in the universe...is working to make everything OK. I hope so because it feels pretty shitty right now.
I'm supposed to play bunco with the girlies tonight, but right this minute I don't want to go. I'd rather wallow in whatever the hell this is, but I know that when I get there it will be better. Guess that's kinda like life, huh?
June 15, 2008
I got incredibly drunk last night. Embarrassingly drunk. I know that I puked right after the shot that did me in. I probably wouldn't have been OK regardless, but Will bought me a Three Wise Men shot. Who the hell drinks THAT shit? Jack, Beam, and Cuervo. Really? I took a sip, and it was all over.
I could probably have gone home with a couple of guys last night. Totally not into it...even if I weren't intoxicated.
I have this impending sense of doom. And I'm so very sad. Not feeling like I've been punched in the stomach anymore...just sad. I keep expecting the best from people...even when they've shown me repeatedly that's not going to happen. At what point do you turn into a jaded, cynical bitch and start treating people the way they treat you? When am I going to get it?
I'm sure I should be telling you about my surprise birthday party, the pressies, and all of the other things that have happened this weekend (it really was probably one of my best birthdays ever). I'm just not up to it. I can't even really find thoughts in my head. I'm not ready to go to bed either, but I don't feel much like writing.
Went to Beth and Mark's today. Spent the afternoon in the pool. Forgot to put on the sunscreen. I am pink and will be working some tan lines in a couple of days.
June 14, 2008
Early Evening Update
My heart hurts right now. People say that they feel like they've been punched in the gut, and I'd say that it fits here...even though I've never really been punched in the gut. When X left, I talked to someone who told me that the hardest part for me was going to be dealing with my embarrassment at having been tricked, having believed someone I shouldn't have. It's like dejavu.
I feel stupid. And the shittiest thing is that I knew! There was a voice in my head that was telling me exactly what was going on. I'm such a freakin' idiot.
Here's the thing, though...it didn't have to be this way.
Very Early Update
All of my ramblings about death.
I've had the best birthday ever. The only way it would be better was if the boy were here here to sleep next to me. Not have sex with me, although I wouldn't turn that down on my birthday. But sleep next to me. SLEEP. I'd even leave the door unlocked for him.
More tomrrow when I get up.
Late Afternoon Update
I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to wear to tonight's party. I've got on a cute white shirt, but we're going to be having crawfish for dinner tonight. I dinna ken if a white shirt is appropriate for that. I'm thinking about my brown tanktop with the gold stuff on the front. Since it's hotter than hell outside. The brown would hide crawfish juice in case we find ourselves at Shenanigans later in the evening. The problem is that I didn't remember to shave my pits this morning so whether they are smooth enough for a tanktop is questionable. Hmmmmm...if they're not what should I wear instead, do you think?
Morning Update
OK, I apparently wrote a ton yesterday too.
It's been a good morning so far, but it's started a bit of a downward turn. Have been crying for the last 30 minutes. Meta is hopefully going home from the hospital today, and she is ready for hospice. The end of the summer was the hopeful prognosis...with chemo. She can't re-start chemo. The family knows the score, and Meta knows the score. According to Shannon, the pain is a constant 8 on a scale of 1-10. She goes to see the oncologist on Monday, but it appears that now it's just a waiting game.
This is hard and emotional for me not necessarily because of Meta, although I do care about her. She's always been extremely kind and welcoming to me when I've been to visit Shan and for some reason or another wound up in her home. It is what it is for me because of Shan. When people you love are hurting, it's hard to sit back and watch. You want to do something to make it better. All I've got is, "Please let me know if you need anything," which seems so incredibly inadequate.
I have got to stop crying.
Late Evening Update
The laptop shut itself off again this evening. And I, of course, had not saved the dissertation I was working on. I've really got to get one of those cooling pads.
I'm trying to remember exactly what I wrote about.
Hmmmmm...
That whole thing last night that I was talking about...being ruthless with myself? I did that this evening. There were a whole bunch of text messages saved in my phone. From various people, although, I think tellingly, none from the PSB. Anyway, I went through all of them and deleted them. I'd like to say that I didn't know why I was saving them, but the truth is that I know exactly why I was saving them. For one thing...most of them were pretty sweet and flattering to me. They made me feel appreciated and wanted and maybe a little special. That is...until you look at them and realize that they don't really mean anything. Which means that the real reason I was keeping them was to remind me, as the Led Zepplin lyrics go, "what is and what will never be."
So. It was time to let them go.
And then there was the conversation about birthdays. Today is Cari's birthday. I sent an e-card and a text. I'll pick something up for her this weekend. One of those frou-frou gift shops down the way is going out of business and they're having a sale.
Because Cari's birthday is today, that means mine is tomorrow. I have two cards here to open. I don't if I'm going to open them first thing tomorrow or if I'll wait until later. I've had one of them for almost a week. I just can't open things early. Because I'm afraid if I open them early, there won't be anything for the actual day. And I kinda feel like opening things early diminishes what the specialness of a birthday or Christmas or whatever. If you're to not wait for the actual day, why bother? Why not just give pressies just because?
X never understood that attitude. He couldn't understand why I didn't want the little things early...or clues or hints about what I was getting. Worse, though, was that he tried to trick me into knowing what I was getting. Jackass.
There are two movies I want to see that come out tomorrow: The Hulk and The Happening. I have plans tomorrow night, though. After the party (not a party for me), we might be going to do some karaoke. Maybe I'll take myself to the movies Saturday night.
I think that about covers it. Made 130 tortellini, salami, olive appetizers for tomorrow night. Still tired. Going to bed. By myself.
Late Afternoon Update
Came back from lunch to more frustration with this whole Kentucky certification thing. I'm pretty sure that everything is straightened out now, and when the HR lady calls tomorrow, they should have everything completed by the end of business tomorrow. I would assume that means I could interview sometime next week. Which means I've got to get on the stick about finding the research that I need to be brushing up on. Those things that I am supposedly well-versed in and have spent a great deal of time studying. *sigh*
Have to go to the grocery tonight and buy stuff for tomorrow night. We're having a crawfish boil. I really think I'd rather have shrimp, but whatever. I'm having shrimp on Sunday. So there. I have to put together my tortellini appetizer so it has time to soak in all of the salad dressing. I don't want to do it, but I said I would so there it is.
I need to remember to put some tums in my purse. This heartburn thing is killing me. All day long it's been constant. That can't be good for my esophagus.
Early Afternoon Update
I am now waiting to make a call to confirm that Washoe County sent my verification form to Kentucky. Once I know they have, then I get to make a call to the person in HR to have her call them and expedite things. If the fax has gone through, that means I need to get a Starbucks gift card to put in the mail. I sure as hell don't want them taking that long with my experience verification form from the county because those 5 years are going to make a HUGE difference in my pay. As Beth says, you don't mess with people's money.
I'm starving. I really, really wanted hashbrowns with sausage and cheese and salsa for breakfast this morning. Unfortunately, there were no hashbrowns and no sausage in my house. Not that I would have been awake in time to make such a bounty to begin with. But it's what I wanted. That means I get to decide what I want for lunch, though. Hmmmm....have I mentioned I'm starving? I feel like I could eat a horse.
Kentucky now has everything they need to issue me a license. That makes me a happy girl. I didn't ask when that was going to happen...I'm going to leave that up to the HR person as I'm afraid that I might have already been a bit of a pest.
That means I have to get serious about prepping myself for this interview. There's a book I need to buy, according to Desi. I wonder if our BAM has it or if the B&N on campus might.
Morning Update
I can't remember the last time I wrote this much (not to be missed is the short bit about the late night ride). Craziness. I slept through the alarm this morning, but that doesn't mean that I slept well. It took forever to get to sleep. I told the boy he should come get in the bed with me, but he, of course, did not. Not surprised.
I should have time to write when I get to work...because right now, I've got to dry my hair and get going.
Late Evening Update
Dayum. There have been a few moments in my life when I've been afraid to be in a vehicle. Tonight was one of them. *sigh* Good grief.
I never got around to dinner. I did have a few milk duds. They were so very kindly shoved in my mouth. Did you know that carmel will get stuck on your tongue stud? And that it's difficult to remove it once it's stuck there?
One of the cats has once again pissed somewhere in the house that she was not supposed to.
I'm hoping to get to sleep tonight. Still so very wiped out. I wanted to take a nap when I got home, but someone was pressure-washing the house. Apparently they're going to paint in the next couple of days. They put siding on the place next door, but this one gets paint. OK. Won't be my problem after July. *sigh*
Evening Update
So, I picked up all the stuff to make nachos, but I don't know if I want to go to all the hassle. I'm thinking I might just have a grilled cheese sandwich and blackberry cobbler and call it good.
My horoscope says that today is the today that I should reveal my love for someone, even if I think he already knows it...leave nothing to the imagination. I don't know if I'm *in love* with anyone. I know that I care about him. Not that it matters much since I'm leaving. I miss him, though.
I have a friend who is in over her head when it comes to love, and unfortunately, I'm not sure that there's any way to help her. I've been listening to her tonight, and the relationship she's talking about is not the relationship I've watched for the last six months. Definitely not the one she's told me about. I know what it is to take any little thing and think that it means something more that it does...but I'm pretty ruthless with myself. Because I have that streak of negativity that's a mile wide and I tend to not believe that anyone really wants me anyway. (I'm usually right) That's not to say that I don't have my moments when I get carried away. Because I do. There are times when I spend a little too much time in my head, but when the phone doesn't ring, I'm grounded again.
Plus I remember those lyrics: "Hope is not a word I know, it's not in me." They don't steer me too far wrong.
Late Afternoon Update
I am worn slam out. (that would be a southern phrase for all the non-southerners in the house) Just freakin' exhausted. I could go to sleep right now and sleep until eternity, I think. Too much to do, though.
Finally broke down and called the EPSB in Kentucky to ask if they'd received my license application. I couldn't take not seeing it on their website. At first they couldn't find it which sent me into a bit of a panic. Because I know I sent it. Then they found it, but. They still need my employment verification from Washoe County. Are you freakin' kidding me? Seriously? So. I emailed Tonia Spann again, with the form attached. And I called and left a message. If she got it sent out today, there's a Starbucks gift card in it for her. I don't like being a pain in the ass, but criminy. They're killing me. Of course, there has been no reply as of this moment. Makes me crazy angry.
Called Perry County. Told them that unfortunately, I was going to have to rescind my acceptance, blah, blah, blah. Disappointed, blah, blah, blah. Couldn't pass up this opportunity, blah, blah, blah. Since they had not put my name before the board for approval, everything should be OK. I feel kinda bad about it, but there it is. Done. Finished. Over.
I'm stopping by the store on the way home. Think I'm having nachos for dinner. Which means I need some sour cream. Maybe some sliced olives. What the hell...you can never have too many sliced olives in your pantry. And some sliced jalapeños. Funny how I used to not like the jalapeños, but now...love them. That's going to be lovely with this awful heartburn/acid reflux I've been rocking the last couple of days. *sigh* Maybe I best just make some chicken salad and have a pita and some jalapeño pringles again tonight.
Morning Update
I'm still wiped out. I didn't sleep well last night. It took me forever to even drift off. Tossed and turned, pull the covers off, yanked them back on, played footsie with the cats, loked at the ceiling, stared at the walls. I thought about calling the boy because I knew he'd be up. For some reason, I elected not to. Probably because he didn't respond to the last few text messages I sent.
Had a rather puzzling conversation with him last night. At one point he told me that I knew him almost as well as some of his best friends. I'm not sure exactly what that means because I frequently feel like I don't know him at all. He's not the first man to say such things to me. Coach says it all the time, and I find it just as disconcerting. I start thinking about what I do know, and things just seem to add up. I guess that whole male/female communication difference must be true.
Meta is back in the hospital. I guess there's fluid around her lungs, and they're going to try to drain it today with a chest tube. Eric called me last night on his way to the hospital; Meta was asking for her babies. Shan is taking today off work to go down to Denver and be with her. She mentioned something about giving Meta a pedicure, which is...I don't know...I used to give Grandma Alex pedicures.
Apparently yesterday Shan was going back and forth with her uncle (who is also her godfather). I'm frequently amazed at the level of assholishness her family displays. Her uncle is the only member of the family she still has contact with because the rest of them have been so shitty over the years. I guess he told her that she was being self-indulgent and that she has to put her own grief to the side. Ummmmmm...OK? She's putting her grief to the side so she can be strong for Eric's family. She knows what's coming; she knows how painful it's going to be for Meta and for them. She should be able to share her hurt with people who have been through it. Apparently that's not her own family.
I have no words to describe how much my heart hurts for her. I wish I knew what to do to help. It's just such an awful situation. I need to go to the store and get a card for her...and one for Eric. He's my friend too. I can't imagine how difficult it is for him. His family is very close-knit.
I've been supposed to be doing engineering work, but instead I've been writing. So. I need to get in the shower so I can shave the bottom of my legs. Planning on wearing the brown dress. Which reminds me...I'm going to have to buy clothes. I wonder if FLOAN has uniforms for students. If so, that means I can get by with khakis and polos.
My computer just turned itself off (all of the above is reconstructed from my photographic memory). No clue what happened. It's been running very hot lately. Guess I need to get one of those cooling pads. It is 3 years old now. *sigh* I don't want to think about needing to replace a computer.
Evening Update
Santos gatos. I am drained. So incredibly drained. I would like nothing better than to be curled up on someone's shoulder, tucked up on the couch, watching a movie or television or something. Nothing. Just being. The PSB sent me a text message this morning saying he was in the mood for some hot, nasty lovin', and my response was...not so much. Just some snuggling. Please. Thanks.
I have news. Big, big news. But I'm keeping it to myself tonight. Other than sharing it with the folks that already know about it.
(I wrote the drained part before I got the big, big news...it's been an emotional weekend and an emotional start to the week and while the big, big news is good...I'm already running on empty)
I brought some gross engineering work home because it has to get done before tomorrow, but I haven't even touched it yet. Think I'm going to take my eyeballs out (the better for the crying), fix a drink or two, and go to bed. I'll get up early and work on the engineering crap. Because it has to be done.
Shit. There's so much to get done.
Morning Update
I don't know exactly what to call yesterday. Which is probably why I haven't updated my RSS feed in forever. I suppose since there's only one of you subscribed to it, that's OK.
Feel like I didn't sleep at all last night, which is not a good thing since it's going to be a long day. Have a presentation this afternoon that I'm not all that ready for. Since I've done it three times before, I suppose I'll be OK. Still, though. *sigh* Gotta get on top of things.
Got an e-card from Shan last night that basically said that one day she hopes to be able to repay me for everything I've done for her. It's funny the difference in perspectives, I think. I keep hoping that one of these days that I'm going to be able to make up for the fact that I wasn't really present in the months after Sherian died. At the very least, I don't see anything for which I need repayment, but I also know that we think and feel what we think and feel.
I don't know how to help her. I don't know how to help any of them that are struggling and hurting.
I think I'm actually going to have to break down and have something caffeniated this morning. I'm starved too. *sigh*
Evening Update
I think I've decided what I want for my birthday. I think I want a manicure and a pedicure. A good one. Not the get-you-in-get-you-out ones that you get at most places. A facial would be nice, but I really don't even know where that would happen here in Hattiesburg. The one place I tried here was unimpressive. That could be due to the fact that I was used to such very good service when I was with Heather. Whatever it is, I don't know who I'd feel comfortable giving my money to for that.
Getting ready to go out with the girlies here in a few minutes. I'm going to have martinis. Dirty. And probably not much else. I have a presentation to give tomorrow afternoon. I might not have told my bosses about it. Just didn't get around to it.
So very tired today. Was up too late last night and I might have indulged a little too much out at Gumbo Acres.
I've got to get a couple of cards to send off to Shan and Eric. She's really struggling. It breaks my heart. She shouldn't have to go through this again. It's doubly painful for her because she knows what's coming, and there's nothing she can do to stop it. She told her bosses today that she couldn't work weekends. There's a trail coming up, and she was supposed to be there for 21 days. They told her that was OK.
Somehow on my trip out there, their digi cam got lost. I could have sworn that Shan put it on the mantle at Meta and Perry's, but it's not there. She said that they thought they wouldn't get another one, but now she's coming to recognize how important pictures are. I'm thinking about sending her my Sony and going back to using my old HP.
Morning Update
Meta is not doing well, and Shan is not taking it well.
I so don't want to go to work. I'd really like to be back in the pool today. Even though I have a couple of sunburns and some mosquito bites. It's not supposed to be as hot today as it has been. Beth and I were talking about it last night, and it seems like it's much hotter much sooner than it has been in the past. I've always said that when I started coming here in the summers, it wasn't sweltering and oppressive until the last week of July or so. It's already sweltering and oppressive.
I guess we're gonna have a big ol' throw-down out at Gumbo Acres on Sunday. Combination Father's Day and Jen's Birthday. Mark's gonna get some shrimps and we'll boil it up. I'll make another cobbler since I don't like cake.
Beth's cholesterol levels are coming down nicely, although everything is still much too high. They're eating lots of fruits and vegetables and cutting out fat. I'm a little concerned because a lot of the focus has been switching to low-fat or no-fat products, and those have problems of their own. She said that she's going to start exercising...walking in the evenings. If gas weren't so dang expensive, I'd consider driving out there and walking with her. Since it is...maybe once or twice a week.
Speaking of gas...I bought a tank of gas on Friday for $57.25. Used just about every bit of it on the trip to New Orleans and the gallivanting to the blackberry patch and the pool. Put $30 in it yesterday and didn't even get half a tank. With them talking about $4.50 by the 4th, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I guess it's time to get serious about taking lunch and all of that stuff.
This makes a position in Kentucky even more attractive. Yeah I can get a job here that won't require paying for a move. But $15,000/year does make a difference when the basics of life are much more expensive. I should probably give y'all an update on how all of that is doing, huh? Maybe this evening...although I'm supposed to go out with the girls tonight. *sigh*
Way Late Evening Update
I was going to update the story of the weekend, but on the way home from Beth and Mark's, Shan called. Meta's oncologist told Perry that he thought she might only make it to the end of the summer and that in his career (he's supposedly the most highly recommended oncologist in Denver) he's very rarely seen a cancer this aggressive. If they can get her blood levels up, then she can do chemo and that might help. But the problem is getting her healthy enough for chemo.
Meta doesn't know that's what her diagnosis happens to be. According to Shan, she's talking about what she's going to do when she's in remission.
Shan said that she had resigned to herself to the idea that it wasn't going to be years; that might very well be a year. But that she hadn't gotten used to the idea that it might be this fast.
She said she was sorry to put all of this stuff on me, and I told her that's what I was for. After all these years, if I can't at least listen--even if I don't know what to say--then I'm not a good friend. It's a good thing I will have some sort of a decent paying job in the fall. I'll be able to scrape together enough money to go to a funeral.
God, it's awful to say that. I don't know what to do.
Afternoon Update
You've missed out on a little the last couple of days. I suppose I should take a moment or two to catch you up, but I don't really have the tiime right this minute. I'm supposed to be heading out to the MS Parents for some time in the pool. Wonder if they'll let me bring a bunch of cds home to add to the itunes collection. Specifically the Paul Thorn and Keb Mo ones.
My puppy is an exhausted girl. She went swimming in a pond yesterday. I'm not sure she was ever a happier doggie. Then she was outside by the pool afternoon. Any day a doggie gets to be a Freedog is a good day, I suppose.
My period is late. Which doesn't really mean anything because it's my period and regular has never been it's hallmark.
June 7, 2008
It's been a crazy couple of days, but I don't really want to talk about them.
Today is my brother's birthday. I didn't call him. I don't even know how to call him. Probably because I'm a bitch.
I feel pretty dead. Have had enough alcohol today to probably come close to floating a battleship (it's a requisite when you're at the pool. Am burnt...even though I had the sunscreen working)...and still feel...dead.
I really don't want my birthday to come this year.
Morning Update
Body dismorphia, anyone?
The Gin Blossoms are playing tonight on the Coast for free. The question is do I want to drive all that way...by myself. I'll have to see between now and then.
I've a couple of friends who are going through the death of their relationships. I hurt for them, and I want to do something to help them. Having been there, though, and held a few hands through it (somehow after X left, a few friends went through the same thing, but since I went through it first, I was a sort of mentor), I know that the only thing that's really going to help is time. The only way through it is to go through it. You can dance around it; you can't skirt it. You just have to plow through...with all the stops and starts and avalanches and despair.
When X left, I could just let him go. It was hard, but in the grand scheme of things, when he decided he was leaving, all he had to do is go. My friends don't have that luxury because there are children involved, and at least for one of them, it was a very long term marriage. X and I had a tangled web, with joint credit and money and all of that stuff, but in the end, there was nothing to fight about. Not that I fight anyway.
Guess it's time to break out the "Songs to Heal a Broken Heart" cd again.
Later Evening Update
*sigh* I am ill. Not sick ill but just grouchy ill. Ill as they say around these parts. Have I mentioned that the acid reflux is killing me lately? Because it is.
The other day, I came across a question from a woman for a bunch of men that was along the lines of "what do men find cute when it comes to the look of female genitals." I'm not surprised that she asked the question but it is disturbing to me just the same. I suppose on some level I can understand wanting to know what men find attractive...although since men vary as widely as women do, I'm not entirely sure how much good that information is. The consensus seems to be confidence and self-assurance. The rest of it can be different on any given day.
But to ask what men find attractive in a women's genitals seems pretty insecure. I suppose you can dress it up and change the hair style (I have some issues with that too), but outside of that? If you've got long labia, what are you going to do about that? Have cosmetic surgery? OK. No? What is wrong with us? If a man makes a woman feel bad about her body, then he needs to find the door because his hand probably provides just as much companionship for an asshole.
I have to say that I have been fortunate as of late. It's been a very long time since I've been made to feel bad about my body...unless I'm the one who's doing it. Even as...fluffy...as I am, the boy or the HB and Coach never made me feel any less than beautiful. It doesn't matter if they may not have meant it because I didn't know.
X, though. *sigh* I have issues with two body parts, but the somewhat relevant one here is the nipples. He said some awful things in almost 7 years. I remember once, shortly after he left, he was at the apartment for some reason, just shooting the shit, telling me about his day. He mentioned some homeless woman walking around near the Lake Mill Lodge topless. And he said, "You know...I've watched a lot of porn and seen a lot of nipples, but that chick's today weren't anywhere near as bad as yours."
Why would anyone ever think it's OK to say something like that to another person? And why would I remember exactly what he said? Assclown. Maybe for my birthday I'll get a couple of new piercings.
Evening Update
It didn't wind up being such a bad day afterall. I got a ton of stuff done at work today, so that means I'll be able to finish a bunch of other stuff tomorrow.
Shipped my license application off to Kentucky this afternoon. It'll be there Saturday. Hopefully the form from WCSD will be there on Monday and everything can go down like it's supposed to. Maybe even by the end of the week. Which doesn't change the decision I have to make tomorrow.
If I weren't concerned that the puppy would pee on herself again, I'd go to bed right this minute. Since I've already taken my clothes off and I don't feel exactly like putting them back on, I would go for the milkshake that I've been wanting all week. I don't, though, so it looks like chicken salad sandwich and sliced tomatoes.
Morning Update
Yesterday's disequilibrium.
I get the feeling that it's going to be a terrible day. Got up and let Cob out of her crate so we could go out and have breakfast. She shot out and as she went by me, I felt her wet fur hit my leg. Then she started rubbing all over the carpet. *sigh* She apparently had an accident in her crate last night. First time that's ever happened. We went out before bed last night, so I don't know what's up.
Had to clean out the crate and then she had to have a bath. I tried to spray the carpet and clean it up, but that's going to probably have to wait until tonight. Poor doggie. I am a very bad mother.
(Did I mention that Peach is barbering herself again?)
All I can smell is dog piss. *sigh*
Evening Update
I'd like to curse and break things. I really would. I know that there are a ton of people who would kill to be in the position that I currently find myself, but it's killing me. I've been swallowing acid all day long, and my chest is tight. This thing should not be as stressful as it is, but those of you who have spent any amount of time reading here know that I am incapable of doing anything (except a dissertation apparently) by half measures. It's all or nothing.
I freak out. Those of you who read here get to see most of my freak-outs, but the rest of the world does not. I think I hold together well. If people are looking at my face, then it's all over, but if they're as self-absorbed as most of us are, they have no clue.
Right now, I could puke. But I still really want a banana milkshake.
The thing is that really, whatever choice I make, it's not going to be the wrong choice. It just might not be the best choice...and it might not be what I want right this minute. I kinda feel like that at almost 32...I should get what I want.
Not that I will. But I feel like at least my professional life should come together if no other part of my life does/is.
We do nothing that cannot be corrected. It might not be able to undo it, but we can start again. It'll be OK. It might suck for awhile, but it'll be OK. Eventually. Some things I've been waiting on for a really, really long time, but.
Enough of that.
I have hurt the PSB. Usually there's a text to wake me up in the morning and a ton of silliness throughout the day. Lots of times, too much of it, and it annoys me. But. I hate that I'm the cause of another person's unrest. I do not flatter myself enough to think that it's more than that. But I know he was looking forward to coming to visit. Disappointment always sucks.
I was going to go laze in the pool again tonight, but when I got there it was full of strangers and children. That's probably why when I was there last night, I had to do quite a bit of cleaning up. I have a Jaycee's meeting tomorrow, but I need to go back out tomorrow to check things out. I don't know if I'm going to have time to swim or not. I think, though, that I'm going to spend Saturday pool-side. Take a cooler full of beverages and fud.
That is after I'm go and pick a mess of blackberries. I know someone with a fence row full, supposedly, and he told me I could come pick all I want. So I'm going to. Blackberry cobbler (*grin*) at my house Saturday night. Actually...it'll probably be Sunday. I might be intoxicated Saturday.
I really feel like I'm going to puke. Why do I make myself sick like this? Want to drink some Pepto and go to bed. I need to get to work early so I can make up some time and get all of my work done.
Mid-Morning Update
Perry County called. They will be calling to check my references today. If I haven't heard from them by 10:00 tomorrow, I am to give them a call. In their words, they're "hoping that everything works out and we can get you aboard." I don't really know how I feel about that. A job is a job, true. And it will certainly pay more than I'm making now. But I'm not sure how I'm going to put them off until I can get things figured out with Kentucky.
Morning Update
I'm not exactly sure what you'd call yesterday's mish-mash, and I'm not exactly feeling too hot on the prospects that today brings. I went to bed early last night, but it wasn't a restful sleep.
I actually have something to say, but there really are things that are TMI. I know that's hard for some of you to comprehend as you've been reading here for, oh, about 5 years now. So. Yeah.
I've got to do some research today, and I have to get that folio of Very Important Papers ready to send off to Kentucky, complete with a stop for a money order or a cashier's check. It would be really nice if Kentucky, like Georgia, had an online payment option. They don't. Dammit. (there's a joke in there about Kentucky and being backwards, but I'm going to let it go right now)
Getting dressed. Skirt. Again. Partially because it's hotter than hades.
Evening Update
The doggie and I went to Polly's this evening because I told her that I would water the plants, turn on no-no (the pool vacuum), skim the pool, and put a chlorine tab in the skimmer. I also played in the water for awhile. Started reading a book while I was there. I'm supposed to go back Thursday, but we might go back tomorrow. Just because it's hot and gross. Thought about going camping this weekend, but I think it's going to be too hot. So...we're probably going to be topless at the pool. Again.
Had a good interview today. As far as interviews go. It was an odd thing, like most of the last interviews I've been on. The guy talked. And talked. And talked. I dropped a few sentient comments now and again, and every one left feeling happy and content. An hour and a half later.
I've got to wear a skirt again tomorrow. *sigh*
I had some other very good news this afternoon. The person I first thought of telling about it isn't talking to me right now so I restrained myself...which means I don't feel like sharing it at all. I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow.
Told the PSB not to come for the weekend of my birthday. It just feels wrong, so that means no. I feel bad about it, but it's not a place I want to go.
Speaking of my birthday, Shannie sent me a message asking what I wanted. I don't know what I want. I have no idea. Honestly, I've not thought about my birthday coming up...which y'all know is strange for me. The whole thing is kinda irritating me right now. All of the reasons why my birthday is so important to me are still in play, but eventually we have to grow up, don't we? I'm trying to be grown up, but it sucks ass.
I still have to figure out what I'm going to tell Shannie to get me. What do I want? I can't think. Last year she sent me a B&N gift card. Or maybe a Sephora gift card. We have such different tastes. *sigh* Not that it matters. She always gets me very lovely things. Maybe I should tell her that I want a new air mattress for camping.
I'm going to bed. So very tired. And grouchy. Still want a banana milkshake.
Morning Update
I'm still not feeling all that hot. Slept like a rock, though. Still don't know what I'm going to wear, although I'm beginning to get an idea. Hmmmmmm...
Today is supposed to be my astrological new year...with the new moon in gemini. Accordingly that means that I'm supposed to be focused on new beginnings and all those things I want to accomplish in the next six months (when the new moon will be back in Gemini). It is probably apropos that I have a job interview today.
My mind is blank right this minute, but I remain a bit ambivalent about what's happening today. As I told a friend last night, it's probably highly arrogant, but I interview well. So that is not my worry. I have other worries as I told that same friend. Namely what happens if I accept a position here, and something else comes up? That puts me in the thorny spot of having to get out of a contract and all of the grossness that comes with that. *sigh*
I should get in the shower and work out all these problems. *sigh* Because I have to be at work early again today. What shoes am I wearing?
Evening Update
What a crappy freakin' day. It doesn't help that I feel like I've been run over by a truck. My head is killing me, and I feel like I'm running a fever. I don't know if I've picked up a bug or if it's after-effects of the wasp sting. *sigh* This is not a good time for me to be ill. I have a job interview tomorrow.
Speaking of that...I have no idea what I'm going to wear. I was thinking about the black pants with the blue pinstripe and the black short-sleeved, square-necked fine gauge sweater. The only problem with that is there might be a...blemish...on my chest that prevents that outfit from being an option. Yes, my chest, not my neck. Not that I cared when it was happening, although I do recall telling him that he needed to be careful with the neck, to which he responded that I was going to have to wear my hair down.
The second thought is a dress I have with the fine short-sleeved cardigan over it. However. It's not exactly a professional dress. The cardigan helps camouflage that. I don't know what I'm going to do. I really, really don't.
So. The awfulness of the day. Got an email from Louisville today. They apparently can't interview me unless I have a Kentucky certificate. Which ticks me off a little. One of the things that my friend made sure to check with the principal about was the fact that I don't have a Kentucky certificate now (I don't think it's going to be a problem to get one). He said that it wasn't a problem because they've hired out of state teachers before. No biggie. Yeah. Apparently a biggie.
I told them that I would start the application process, but that It would take a couple of weeks per the Kentucky DOE. (once they have all of my stuff, they said it would take 7-10 business days to issue a license...they won't have all of my stuff until next week. I just don't have time to do fax people, have them fill out the forms, and have it back to me tomorrow. I know it's important but I still have a job to do tomorrow and there's other stuff on top of it) He said that was great, and that he's still very interested in interviewing me.
Here's the thing that pisses me off...I don't want to put myself out there. Go to all this time--and it is time--and expense (it's not as expensive as Nevada, but it's significantly more than Mississippi or Georgia) if I don't really have a reason to. I don't want to have another license if I don't need another license. It's not one of things where more is necessarily better. I'm going to do it anyway because I guess that's the price of a ticket to the dance, but dammit. It makes me mad.
And then, after that whole series of emails and the stress of that, I got a call from a man from the JCPS. He told me his name, and I thought that he said he was from the recruitment team. I didn't totally catch that, though. He asked me questions, called me "dear" and "sweetie" and "young lady" and then said he definitely wanted to interview me, when would be good for me? He said that it would take about half an hour, so I'm pretty sure it's not "the" interview. But I don't know. That will take place on Wednesday afternoon.
It is maddening I tell you. This whole find-a-job thing is enough to drive a fuzz right over the edge.
I still want a milkshake. *sigh* If someone liked me, they would bring me one. Banana I think.
Morning Update
Drama with the wasp. I was going to go to bed early last night but couldn't my brain in gear, which means I didn't finish the update until almost 11.
Still not feeling too hot, which is not good because there's a ton of stuff to be done today. I got up early so I could get it done. Which means I've got to get it going. I'm planning to get to work by 7:00.
My AC ran most of the day yesterday. It was set at 78, and because I could feel the money draining out of my checking account each minute that it ran, I bumped it up to 79. And then 80. It's too soon for that to be happening.
Evening Update
I feel like crap. Still. Want to go to bed, and probably will here in a little bit. After some dinner of cottage cheese and multigrain wheat thins.
Have I mentioned that I feel like crap?
It is clearer to me than ever that I've got to do something about the PSB. There's a reason why I'm nervous about this whole thing, and I don't think that it is soley to do with the fact that it's been almost a year of nothing. So...I think I need to call him and tell him that I don't want him to come down for my birthday. I am just not prepared to go there, and that means that it would be unfair to have him come here with an expectation of something that's not going to happen.
Hurricane season started today. My hurricane kit is not ready. Because if there comes a storm, I'm leaving. The dog, the cats, and I are going to get in the car and head somewhere which is not here.
Want a milkshake. Going to bed instead.
Afternoon Update
I have been stung by a wasp. I was on the lounger in the pool, reading a book, just drifting from one end to the other when I felt something crawling across my tummy. Began the panic when I looked down and saw what it was. Tried to keep myself together, so as not to drop the book I was reading in the water. When I went to flick it off of me, it got me on the hand.
Feel like shit, feel like shit, feel like shit.
And my tummy is upset from the drinking yesterday.
Going to lay down now. Might get up later.
Morning Update
Why do people not drop me an email when links are broken or don't go to what they're supposed to? That irritates me.
There are a couple of other things that are irritating me right this minute, but I can't say anything about them. Which irritates me even more.
Polly and I drank a lot yesterday. I consumed red bull for the first time. I've always stayed away from it because of my caffeine sensitivity, which is apparently gone these days. And then I went somewhere else and drank more, which led to my sleeping between two dogs. It was a good sleep, all things considered.
I guess I'm strange. On the rare occasions when I let Cob sleep in the bed with me, she sleeps at the bottom of the bed. I do not want dog breath or dog hair or dog ass in my face. (feel free to substitute "cat" for "dog" in that statement) Then again, I don't want my dog licking me either. It's just gross. I'm sorry. It is.
I'm a bad momma to my furbabies. *sigh*
For those of you who know the history, I feel quite a bit like I'm with Coach again. Which, I don't mind those circumstances. That's not what my issue is. My issue is knowing. I like to be on a level playing field. I don't know that it's too much to ask.
I'm sure three will be more later right, but right now, I'm going to get dressed, run by work and print a couple of things off, and then take myself and my puppy back to the pool.
Last Updated July 1, 2008
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