June 30, 2007

I guess it's been a productive day. Got Esteban serviced. They tried to sucker me into paying for cleaning my battery terminals, but I said, uh, no. They went ahead and did it anyway. I owe them some cookies. *sigh*

And then I went to work for about five hours. I got the programming done for a bridge project...and that's basically all I did for five hours. It needed to be done, though, because it has to go to the state...as do our monthly reports.

Came home and washed the dog. She was smelling pretty rank, so I washed her twice. There's something very sweet about a freshly showered puppy. Probably because she smells sweet. I need to now clean the tub.

We also went for a walk.

And I've washed the sheets on the bed. Getting some other laundry done as well.

Also did some reading, although not for my dissertation. That will happen tomorrow. Because I've gotten so much work done today.

More weeping today. So much to actually say about it, but you know that I've said it all before. I know that you're tired of reading it, and I know that you worry about me when I stray too far into that territory. So. While I really, really want to write about it, I'll just keep it to myself.

Although, I'm currently watching Reflections of a Matchmaker on A&E. *sigh* Lynn. Hi Lynn. Hi Jen. Except I'm not in bars asking boys to do shots out of my cleavage. OK, that's not exactly true (well, I don't think I've ever asked a boy to do a shot out of my cleavage). Lynn and I aren't all that alike. Just a moment of frustration, I suppose.

It's another month of this year gone. I suppose I need to get on with it, eh?

June 29, 2007

Still not feeling good. Actually feeling pretty awful. Struggled through work all day long. Probably doesn't help that what I needed to get done at work was incredibly tedious. I actually need to go in tomorrow so I can get a bunch of stuff done before the rush of trying to get all of the monthly reports done by Thursday (considering we don't work on Wednesday), as well as a proposal.

I ws getting ready for work this morning and was all of the sudden crying. I absolutely hate that I get that way. I don't get bitchy or irritable when I'm pmsing, but I do get weepy. Going along minding my own business and the next thing I know, the waterworks start. *sigh* I would trade bloating and cramping and all the rest of it if three days a month I wasn't a watery mess.

I have to take the car in tomorrow morning, which means I'll be sitting there for several hours. I suppose I'll take a book or some dissertation stuff. And then it's to work. What a freakin' exciting Saturday, huh?

I think I'm gonna take my puppy and go to bed.

June 28, 2007

Thought I was getting better, but this afternoon, about three, I started feeling like I was going to pass out. Came home and went to bed. Slept until about 7:30, and the bed was soaked with my sweat. (lovely image, eh?) Have been feeling like I'm running a fever all night long, although with the sweat, I'm clammy.

Have I mentioned that I hate being sick?

Because I was asleep and because when I woke up, I didn't want to go out, Cobbler and I didn't go for a walk tonight. We've walked every other night, though, and are up to about an hour. We go down to the zoo and then head back. Last night on our walk, which had happened after it rained, there was a little excitement as she managed to get a baby snake in her mouth. She dropped it when told, but not before she'd bitten it in two and not before I had to fish the tail end of it out her mouth. Good dog. Very good dog.

Y'all hear about the Supreme Court ruling on desegregation of schools? I don't know how I feel about it. I'm listening to Nightline now which has a story about it. I suppose the question that I have is why don't black and white families live in the same neighborhoods? What is it about each other that we don't want to live near each other, don't want to have associate with each other? Is the legacy of racism so strong that we can't get past it? Or do we just like to stick with the familiar?

My new neighbor walks like an elephant. She moves and the house shakes. Seriously. And she's not that big. I don't get the whole walking like a cow thing, but then again, I don't get how women don't learn how to walk gracefully in heels. Her chihuahua barks all the time, though, which has a tendency to work Cobbler up. I'm hoping it's just the stress of living in a new place. If it's not, I'm going to go insane.

The nameless boy is home. Sent several sweet messages, but I don't know when I'm going to see him. Probably sometime this weekend. Perhaps I can finagle my way into an invitation to watch fireworks. Y'all know how much I love the pretty flashing colors.

It's interesting, I think, the way two different people can view a situation. That point has been brought home to me very clearly tonight. We were both there, we both interacted...but she has as totally different interpretation of what happened. Her interpretation (to my eyes) is so far away from what actually happened that I can't quite figure out where it went wrong.

I've had a ton of chicken to use lately because we had a ton of stuff left over from last week. So on Monday, I made chicken and sausage gumbo. Tuesday night I made Thai Chicken Noodle Soup. Really, really good stuff.

I could use some ice cream right now. Think I'm going to have some cookies and milk and go to bed instead.

June 24, 2007

I feel like I am dying. My head is killing me, and I'm so, so tired. I facilitated a session for someone yesterday who was very ill, and I'm afraid that I may have caught her germs. I hope not. I really hope not. I don't want to be sick. Y'all know that I don't do well being sick. I like to complain about it and whine about it.

Because my puppy needs exercise, I took her for a walk, even though I feel like hell. We were gone about half an hour. I have to say that a choke collar has made all the difference. I resisted getting one for her because somehow the thought of choking her seems cruel. She's just a puppy and she's excited. That's the way it goes. Having her not pull on the leash was nice, though, and we got home without her foaming at the mouth because she was pulling so much.

Speaking of my puppy, she lost her first puppy tooth. There was a moment of panic last night at Polly's when it happened. Kramer and Nahla were there, and they tend to be a little mean to Cobbler. There was some helping and fighting, and then the next thing I knew, Nichol was saying that Cobbler was bleeding. Took awhile to figure out that her tooth was missing. Dogs lose teeth, right?

Yesterday was the concurrent sessions for our writing conference. I had to do an impromptu presentation because the original person went home ill. I think that I did a pretty good job of condensing my 2 1/2 hour presentation into an hour, although it was extremely fast. I felt like I was racing through it, and I know I was. But it was good. It was good to be able to step in and take care of business.

I am again reminded how much I enjoy working with the writing project. It feels like that is where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing, but I don't know how to turn that feeling and my current experience into something sustainable. That's the thing I have to figure out, I suppose. Anyone with suggestions, feel free to let me know.

I have a new neighbor. I don't remember her name, but she has a Chihuahua. Or however you spell it. I guess she was supposed to move in at the beginning of the month, but the the landlord tried to go cheap and just clean the carpets when after three years of Jessica and four cats, they had to be replaced. She seemed to be a nice girl, even though I can't remember what her name is. *sigh* I suppose I'll figure it out.

Y'all have certainly read about Jessie Davis. I'm not sure exactly what drives men to kill their pregnant wives or girlfriends, but murder is apparently the number one cause of death when it comes to pregnant women. The thing I don't get is that the guy was a cop. I'm not saying that cops are immune from all the things that normal folks feel and are pressured with. But he was hired when he was still on probation for criminal trespass involving an ex-girlfriend, who happens to be the mother of yet another one of his children. There were also apparently restraining orders against him.

Now, all I know is the process that Dax had to go through when he was hired first with Washoe and then again with Reno. He had a tough enough time making it through the psych eval, and I know how paranoid he was about the rest of the hiring process. I'd hope that those processes would keep someone like Cutts in getting through and actually hired. How hard up was the police department in Canton?

And it makes me wonder about the process that all of these new HPD recruits are going through. We've been seriously understaffed, and now we've just sent a whole bunch of folks through the academy with more about to start. What kind of screening did they go through?

The other thing that I don't get is a man going out and spreading his seed like it's free. Damn. The man had at least two children, with another about to be born. What kind of child support is he paying? I mean, I've got myself protected from pregnancy (with the caveat that not everything is 100%), but where's the man's responsibility to protect himself from pregnancy? Forget about STDs, which can be a lifetime stain...what about child support for 18 years? Obligations to pay for college expenses, etc? The TB didn't even ask me about pregnancy before we slept together, kinda like it wasn't even on the radar. To be fair, I didn't ask either, but that's because I know that I'm not getting pregnant. I should, though, have asked about STDs. I didn't. Stupid girl.

Anyway. I'm gonna walk this puppy around the block, and then we're going to bed.

June 20, 2007

Happy Wednesday! It was a pretty crappy day all the way around, but I remained optimistic that things were going to get appreciably better, but they didn't. I suppose that there's always hope for tomorrow, which is technically my Friday. I suppose that there's something to be grateful for there. We're not going to get going downtown until 10, so I think maybe I'll go into work until then. That way I'm not losing quite so much comp time.

So, I read this article today, and I have to say that while I don't know if I ever want to have kids, I feel a little bit of pressure. It appears that if I do want to have kids, then I need to find someone to do it with and get busy with that. I suppose it makes sense that you have kids when you're young...when you have the energy to run after them and do all of the things that you have to do when it comes to children. It seems a little unfair, though, that when you're young is also the time when you should be working on establishing yourself in a career or in your education. Fitting everything together is apparently something that we really haven't figured out how to do well. Maybe it's something that we can't do well, and there must naturally be something that has to give.

I dunno. It seems that it's a shame to have grown up thinking that you can have it all and then realize that you can't.

I was thinking this afternoon about love and what it means to be in love. I don't know if I know what it means or what it feels like. Maybe it's been so long. Or maybe it's just that I'm a commitment. I might sleep with a boy sooner than I should, but sex is different from emotion. I mean, sex helps with the emotion thing, but it's not the same thing. When it comes to emotion, I think I'm a lot slower to get involved. I am happy with a relationship that just kinda is and doesn't have to be anything. I've said before that I don't want a boy to call me every day. I don't want to know where he is every minute. I don't need him to be suffocating me, and I'll make sure that I'm not doing the same. I do, however, need to know what's going on. I like to know when I can reasonably expect to see someone--I like to be able to plan when things are going to happen.

One of the things that bothered me a bit about the TB was the future projections. It seemed that right from the very beginning, there was a seriousness that I wasn't ready for. He was saying things that didn't mesh with this whole free-to-be philosophy that I have, so I didn't respond to them. Apparently, though, those things didn't mesh with what he thought we were doing so all's well that ends well. And now the nameless boy is freaking me out a little bit too. He's telling me he loves me, which I'm sure is not meant seriously, although considering that it is him it's entirely possible that he is serious.

Those are words I don't take lightly...mostly because I'm pretty sure that I don't know exactly what they mean. I've written here about love and what it means to love another person so I'm not going to go back through it, but it's there if you have the patience to look for it. I thought I loved Dax; I thought I loved Coach. But did I really love them, whatever that means?

With Dax, was it more a case of being dependent upon him? Desperate to be with him for the support and protection he could provide me? I know at the end, it was much more about fear than it was about anything else. Could I make it on my own without him?

I don't know what it was...and continues to be...with Coach. He was the exact right person that I needed to be with when he and I first got together. Beyond that, though, I don't know. If I loved him, I think I stopped loving him a long time ago, and now it's a force of habit.

I'm tired of eating sandwiches. I have sandwiches for lunch and now apparently I have sandwiches for dinner. They are easy, that's for sure, but ughh. I thought I wanted to make pork chops for dinner tonight. Mashed potatoes. Gravy. Green beans. But it seems like such a huge undertaking for just one person...one person who doesn't like to eat left-overs. I thought about a supper club type thing with some friends, but that would mean that I'd have to start eating at a decent hour. It's 9:30 and I'm just now finishing my sandwich.

I've got some pictures to take. And Cobbler needs a bath. She smells like a dog.

June 17, 2007

Polly's son Patrick found my ring at the bottom of the pool, six inches from the drain! Did I tell y'all that I'd lost Grandma Alex's wedding ring, the one I wear on my toe? I realized on Tuesday or Wednesday that it wasn't on my foot. I was sad about it, but I suppose things like that happen. I'm going to put it back on my toe, but I think from now on, I won't let people massage my feet when I'm in the pool.

I went for a bike ride this morning. Only 10 miles, but it was a good 10 miles. I forget how much I enjoy riding my bike when I haven't done it for quite a while. I need to ride more often. The problem is finding the time to do it. The time that I'm riding my bike, I keep thinking that I could be walking my puppy instead. Or time I could be reading for my dissertation, which I need to be doing too. Or time I could be in the pool! But, I suppose there's a way to get it all done...if that's what I really want to do.

To kind of go along with that, I am reminded again that I have the potential to change the picture I present to the rest of the world. This body is a mutable thing, but stupidity is hard to change. All things considered, I'll take my circumstances over various other ones.

I don't know how much anyone believes in horoscopes or that nonsense, but mine says this week presents me with one of those once-in-a-lifetime, turning points. Either I go forward and things are changed, or I continue my life on this path. I don't know. I asked the universe for clarity, but I'm not sure I've gotten that yet. I'm feeling the tumbling of the lock, but that's probably a bit to ask for right off the bat. Something to strive for, I suppose.

No news from the boys today, although there were a couple of texts from the nameless one. He's going to be on the coast this week, so I won't be seeing him. The third boy is in training this week so I won't be seeing him either. All of that is probably for the best.

I need to get to bed. Y'all have a good week.

June 16, 2007

I'm supposed to be on the coast at a party. I don't really feel like driving all the way down, though, and then coming back tonight. I'd have to come back because I have this sweet black puppy that needs to be taken care of. It's a long way to go for a couple of drinks and a little time with friends. Plus, I didn't get all of my reading done, so technically I can't go.

I told myself that I wasn't going to go down if I didn't get some reading done for my dissertation. They say that you'll do just about anything to avoid doing work on the dissertation, and today I found that to be true. For god's sake, I picked up dog poo rather than read a couple of articles. You know that is some serious work avoidance. *sigh*

I'm going to finish reading, though. I have to. I'm 31 now. Time is wasting.

Was out at a party last night, and disaster was narrowly avoided. Actually, I don't think it was narrowly avoided. I don't think that there was really any chance that there was really going to be a problem, but I suppose there was a possibility. Thinking that neither the TB or the nameless boy would show up, I invited both of them. The TB did not come, which was not all that surprising. I might have passed out (and drown) if he'd actually walked through the back gate.

The nameless boy did come, and he stayed sober, which was the big shock of the night. I was pretty sure he wasn't going to come, but he surprised me. Perhaps there is some hope there, although I am still very leery of the whole thing. I suppose, though, at the pace things are moving, we have the time to feel out how it's going to go...if it's going to go at all.

It was a good night, though.

I suppose I'm going to have to give the nameless boy a name.

I guess my body has been getting back to normal these last couple of days. Happy birthday to me. *sigh* That sigh is just because while I'm happy to get things back to normal, it sure is hell getting there. I hate the whole PMS, hormonal thing. It's painful.

I don't think I'm going to take Cobbler back out to Beth and Mark's. She loves to play with George, but apparently she is a little rough with him. They both bite and nip at each other when they play, and I guess she's left a couple of scars on him. He's got short hair, so it's really easy to see the results of their rough play. I'm sure that she's got a few scars as well, but you just can't see them. It'll just be easier to leave her at home...at least until her baby teeth aren't as painful when she nips.

I was thinking the other night about the cats and how old they are. I think that Blackberry is going on six...which makes peach something like ten? 11? It's kinda sad that she's that old. Life expectancy for cats is how long? 15-18 years? That means she's getting elderly? I love my kitties, but I don't know if I want to replace them when they go. As a matter of fact, I love Cobbler too, but having pets ties you down in ways that not having pets doesn't. I mean, I'm not going to the coast because I have to come home and take care of the puppy. (actually I don't have to...she can make it 9 hours in the crate, but I don't want to do that to her...said sweet puppy is currently sleep at my feet)

Did your parents tell you that everyone you met was going to like you? It's a wide world, and it seems to me that not everyone you come into contact with is going to want to be your friend...or even want to tolerate you. It doesn't make them bad or wrong for not liking you. It just means that they don't like you. That's kinda the way that life goes. Or at least that's what I was taught.

I think I'm going to have banana pudding for dinner tonight. Sounds like a plan to me. Right after I turn on the lights. It's after 8 at night and I have yet to turn on the lights.

Oh, and anyone that can do graphics work, let me know. I think I want to change some things.

June 14, 2007

It wasn't a bad birthday. Not much to it, but I suppose it was better than a sharp stick in the eye. Went out to Beth and Mark's. Had ice cream sundaes instead of cake. Beth was headed to Shady Acres to buy a cake when she remembered that there was something I didn't like. She couldn't remember that it was cake, so she called and asked if it was chocolate. As if. I could use some pecan pie, I think.

I had a date at lunch today. Some awkward, stilted conversation, but as far as dates go, it could have been a lot worse. He told me I was very attractive and that I looked nice today. (thank you...I tried)

Once again, there was incredulity that I am single. He must have asked me about six times, "No boyfriend? Really?" Yeah, really. Not quite sure how to describe someone that I occasionally have sex with but whom I haven't heard from in awhile. How do you present that information when you're asked? Since I haven't figured out how to say that so it doesn't make me sound like a whore (whatever that is), I just leave it out.

Why is it that I'm still single? I haven't figured that out. Perhaps it's because I attach myself to and attract men who aren't what I need. I dunno. I'm not drunk enough to really think about it tonight. Put that together with some serious PMS, and it's not a good scene at all. Even thought I had a great day.

June 12, 2007

Not long ago now, I was asked why I was still single. I didn't have much of an answer at the time, but I'm beginning to remember exactly why I'm single. It's much easier than dealing with someone else's bullshit, playing these games, trying to figure out what another person wants. I suppose when someone tells you that they're an asshole, it's probably best to trust them on that point.

This is part of the reason why I'm very hesitant to get involved with the nameless boy. I *know* who and what he is. He's told me; he's shown me. And if I walk into it, then I'm the one to blame if I get hurt. I've been warned.

It all makes me want to stay in the house or run screaming from any male who comes near.

Cobbler and I spent the evening in the pool. Lord knows how many laps I did. Since at this point in time, I have no plans for tomorrow night, the puppy and I might be back there, just chillin'.

I'm not feeling all that happy about tomorrow. Think I'm going to take myself to bed.

June 11, 2007

My horoscope today asked me to think very clearly and earnestly about what it is that I want right now. Supposedly the universe is ready to give me what I want, I just have to be careful what I ask for.

So, what is it that I want right now? I wish I really knew. I mean there are lots of things that I want. I want stability and security and comfort. I want happiness. Those are all kind of vague, though. If I ask for stability and security and comfort and happiness, will the universe be able to give me something so vague? What do those things mean?

I guess, though, in thinking about it, what I really want is clarity. I want to know what it is that I'm supposed do. I want to know what's going on. I guess that's probably also too much to ask for, but I'm pretty sure that's what I want most. I want to know...to be sure. So that's what I'm going asking the universe to give me. Clarity.

I'm sure you'll all be the first to know if I actually get it.

My horoscope also said that right now I need to be wary of withdrawing hurt, that I need to examine how much my own "anxious expectations" are creating the problem. Yeah, well, duh and oh boy yeah. Where, though, do the anxious expectations come from? Are they all springing from my over-active imagination and brain, or is someone or something else contributing to it? And how do I ratchet that down? Is it just one of those situations that I have to let go of and keep telling myself that it's OK, it's OK, it's OK? Whatever it is, it is? This is my need to know at work, to have a plan. I can do spontaneous if I know what the end goal--the bigger picture--is going to be. I have no clue right now, and that's causing me some serious anxiety.

I forgot to mention that yesterday, my poor puppy spent a huge amount of time in the pool. Darrin kept her in for quite awhile. He held on to her, kinda cradling her getting her used to it and calm. While she didn't appear to be enjoying it when she was in the water, she did come right back to him when he put her out of the pool. Even after he went off the diving board with her. Yes you read right...he went off the diving board with my sweet Cobbler in his arms. *sigh* She was OK (he as OK...she didn't scratch him too badly I don't think), but criminy was I scared for her. Again, he held her in the water until she was calm and when she got out, she wasn't afraid to come back to him. Poor baby.

The big day is coming near. The cards are coming in, but I have yet to open any of them. You all know how I feel about that.

Still nauseous, but I think it's getting better.

June 10, 2007

I have spent the last two days in the pool. Half-naked most of it. At the MHC, the rule is topless. I'm getting a nice tan going on.

There was a boy at the pool today. I like this boy...not quite sure what to call him just yet...and he likes me. Friends say "adore" is the appropriate word. He's a really good kisser, which is something I already knew because there might have been a few times in the past that he and I spent a little time together. I know he would be good to me because that's the guy he is.

He's smart (good lord I didn't know how smart until this afternoon with some of the stuff he was telling us). He makes me laugh--he's hilarious. He's pretty cute, and he's got good teeth.

The problem is that he's a binge drinker. He goes to work and does his job...and does a really good job, makes a very good living at it. He doesn't really drink during the week, but on the weekend, he gets falling down drunk. The last two weekends, I've had to drive him home (although he was sobering up after we had dinner tonight).

You know, whatever works for folks, I guess. I suppose he's not that much different than my uncle, whom I love dearly. I learn more and more that my path in this life is not about trying to control the behavior of the people I'm in relationships with. It's not about trying to change someone...it's about deciding what I need in this life and whether another person as he is will be able to meet my needs. Not whether I can force him to meet my needs. Not whether I can make my needs fit what he provides.

I know who I am--I know what my habits are when I'm in a relationship. I see the potential for me to hurt myself being very high here...and it wouldn't be malicious on his part. He's the sweetest guy and will do anything for you. It's just this thing he's got.

My stomach has been upset since Friday. Extreme nausea. Haven't really eaten much since Thursday. I was in the pool all day...finally getting hungry (and not nauseous) when everyone else was. Ate half a sandwich and the entire time, kept thinking, "I'm gonna puke." I went for a bike ride this morning, and I had to stop several times because I thought I was going to lose it. I don't know what it is, but I sure as hell wish it would stop.

June 7, 2007

Spent the morning at the Summer Institute. I miss the Summer Institute. When I'm there around it, I really feel like it's what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Being there feels right, the work fits. I suppose if I sucked it up and went back into the classroom, then I could spend my summers in the SI. Thus far, I'm not willing to make that commitment. I'd like to be able to do an advanced SI or to go to a writing retreat.

Kim and I talked about the job that I wanted that isn't hiring this year. She says there will probably be a search this coming year and that the chair doesn't want to do just a one year only thing. That's not quite as good of news as you would think it is. If they do a search, that could mean they're looking for a tenure track position, which the chair has already told Sherry, would be difficult for me to walk into because both my masters and my doc are from USM. Plus there then becomes the issue of how long that somewhat locks me in to staying in Hattiesburg. How long do I want to be here? If I were to make it through such a process, that would mean that I should ethically stay in the position for at least two years. Am I willing to stay in Hattiesburg for a total of five or six years? I dunno.

I haven't been to the grocery store in quite awhile. Beth was telling me that tomorrow she's making meatloaf, mashed potatoes, squash and onions, green beans, and something else. I'm supposed to go out for drinks tomorrow night, but I've been told that there will be left-overs waiting for me to bring home and be comforted by.

Had a seizure last night. I keep saying that they're not stress-induced, but I dunno so much about that anymore. It's been awhile since I last had a seizure. Head is killing me, and I've felt shaky all day. I hate that feeling. It's like any moment the world is going to go off-kilter and get hinky. I think, though, that I might get it under control tonight. Actually now that I think about it, it's going to have to be tomorrow before I go that route. I've already had too many drugs in the last 24 hours.

I forgot that I have to renew my NV teaching license. I'll have to make my way to USM tomorrow to get a copy of my transcript, and then get that in the mail...priority...so hopefully it will be there in time. It hit me on Monday that I had to do that. I know that I really don't ever want to go back to NV to teach, but it's one of those things where it's easier to have it than it is to get it. It's $80 for six years, so I suppose it's worth it.

Anyone heard "Back to Freedom" by The Old Kings? I have so many songs in my Ipod that I forgot how much I love certain groups and certain songs. "Did they not know that soon everyone would take leave of their sense and be blinded by thoughts of an end. And as we come to see the way the road turns, sights and sounds, distractions lead us to believe in our own perfection. Insanity seems to be the only out. And as we come to learn that time is only time a human creation and that we create our own misery or joy. Viewing the clock doesn't make time go away." It always amazes me that those guys were like 14 when they were first putting this music out. (and yes, Sner, I know...send your damn cd. Haven't yet figured out what I'm doing wrong. Sorry)

I think maybe next weekend, I'm going to take Cobbler camping. Just the two of us. Peace. Quiet. Nothing intruding. I'd like to go see Kymmie and spend the weekend on the beach, but my liver always takes a hit when I visit with Kymmie. And there's the issue of Karl. Camping would be a much better bet. Where to go, though? I can't leave work until 5:00. Hmmmmmm...I'll have to think about it bit.