June 29, 2006

The summer institute is officially over. That's good. That means I can get to work on the stuff for my qual and quant classes. I've been neglecting them a bit, and Amber tells me that if I don't have my work done, she's cancelling my spa treatments (but not hers...I'll be locked in a room with my stats book. *shudder*)

I get the feeling that things may be about to turn around, but I'm just cautiously optimistic. I was feeling better last night. Maybe everything really is going to be OK. Y'all keep putting that energy out there into the world, k?

June 27, 2006

It's been a shitty week, and it's only Tuesday. I wish it were over already, but it's not, which means I just have to suck it and deal with it. *sigh*

I'm desperately trying to get motivated to complete a mid-term that is due tomorrow at 1:00. I've answered two of five questions, and those two questions, I've kind of half-assed it. I tried to get into Sunday. I tried to do it yesterday. I tried to do it earlier this evening, but here I am at midnight, still not doing it. *sigh* The stupid thing is that I know all of the stuff. For some reason I'm intimidated and don't want to put it down on paper. I think perhaps it's the citation of sources thing that's getting me. Perhaps I should just write and then go back and try to fit the sources in, eh?

I'm in a funk. I need to pull myself out of it, and I'm really, really trying.

In other news, I felt like I had to talk to the HB about what happened on Saturday night. When he left here, apologizing (to his credit), I told him it was OK. It wasn't OK, and the more I thought about it, the worse it was. So. I sent him a text this afternoon saying I need to talk to him. (On a side note, is it a conversation when it happens exclusively through text messages?) Told him I wanted to talk about Saturday night, and his response was that he did too and first and foremost he needed to apologize. Told him I appreciated that. The more I thought about what happened, the angrier and more deeply offended I was and I needed to say that before I could let go of it. He apologized again, saying that he felt weird on his way over, and asked me not to think less of him. I said that I was trying, but it was kinda hard, considering what he had to think of me to think what he was proposing was OK. His response was another apology and to say that he did respect me; he was just drunk and misread my texts (not sure about that)...no excuses, just again, sorry.

I feel better now that I've said, so to speak, my peace about the whole thing.

I just wish I could get comfortable with all the other shit in my life right now. It's gotta get better soon, right? Right?

June 24 (actually 25), 2006

I've had one of those only-in-Jen's-life moments, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm leaning towards cry. I was all excited and then like a pitcher of cold water, bam. I'm not quite sure exactly how I missed the clues, but I missed them. And I feel so foolish that I did.

It's not entirely my fault...my clues were misread as well. I didn't say yes in any of my messages.

Right now I feel like shit. Think I'm going to finish this bottle of wine and go to bed. The HB is not welcome at my home ever again. *sigh*

Sorry to be not more forth-right, but some things just should stay private.

June 22, 2006

I have got to stop talking about needing a job. I'm getting to the point, I fear, that I'm as obnoxious as that person I talked about earlier this spring. I really don't want to be that person, driving others insane with my ramblings about a job. On the other hand, though, my talking about needing a job has led to me a new lead. I need to look at it this weekend, but it's on campus and would pay decently. Decently enough for me to survive the next year. It's not teaching but rather academic advising, and from what I hear, it would be a demanding job. But it wouldn't be like teaching in the public school where I have to worry about all that grading and response and all of the rest of it. I'm still going to look into an adjunct position with the local community college.

It's going to be OK.

We're going to Ocean Springs tomorrow. Kind of excited about it, although I'm also a little apprehensive. I hope every one has a good time. It's a long way to go for people to be grumpy about the trip. I know that some people are pretty excited about it, but others, I don't know so much. I fought for this trip, so if it doesn't successful, I'm going to feel like an idiot.

Had to go to the bank tonight. I hate going to the bank. It's a very anxious thing for me, and I'm not sure why. Like a sickening thing. It's not like I don't know how much money is in the account; I keep track of it online. Fills me with dread, though. Like maybe I'm going to go and suddenly find out that I'm thousands of dollars over-drawn, and what am I going to do then?

I have to start paying my student loans in the fall...since I won't be full-time. I suppose that's OK. The sooner I start paying on them, the sooner they'll be gone, right? Apparently here in the south the tradition is for many parents to help their children pay off their student loans. It's also somewhat customary for parents to provide down payments for houses and to buy cars. Which I don't understand but OK.

I think I might pick up some fresh shrimp tomorrow while I'm down on the coast. I'm supposed to go out to Beth's when I get back and I think that would be nice to have out there. Maybe? It is shrimp season. Although...I wonder how the seafood on the coast is, what with the storm and all. Hmmmmmm....

Did I tell you that I think I have most of the questions done for my interview schedule for my dissertation? I'm going to try them out with a friend in the next couple of weeks. Speaking of interviews...I need to get a transcription machine. Those things are expensive. Although I did come across a refurbished one on ebay that will cost me about $80 with shipping. Anyone want to get me a late birthday present? Anyone?

June 20, 2006

My stats class started this evening. Ughhhhh. I have to buy the text book. No getting around it. $125-130. That's almost as sickening as the fact that it's the stats class. Good grief.

I have the green light to go ahead on my dissertation. I have to get it revised and then sent to my committee members for their thoughts on the process. I'm surprised in that my chair told me since it was a qualitative dissertation I didn't have to follow the five chapter quantitative format. That's a switch for him. I got the feeling from him that my proposal (typically the first three chapters) didn't have to be a huge deal. I don't know. It can't be that easy, can it? Really?

I picked up an application for Hattiesburg. I about cried as I started filling it out. It isn't what I want to do. It so isn't what I want to do. I know a job is a job is a job. And I'll do it. I will. But I so don't want to. You know? I really wish I could know something with the other place. (I went by there, but no one was in. I'll have to try it later this week. I'm hearing July 1.)

I'm sending those positive vibes out into the ether, though. If I'm persistent, surely it's gotta happen. Right?

Must figure out a way to stop worrying. Must figure out a way to stop worrying.

So...Do you remember what it was that you wanted to be when you were little? Can you remember a discussion with your parents about the path to financial independence that you were eventually going to take? Was there a lot of thought and discussion and weighing of options?

I remember being four or five or six (I can’t remember exactly…most of those years are a forgotten black mass of nothingness) and scribbling stories on sheets of colored paper from the shoe factory. Their order forms were on different colors of paper, and somehow my grandma Alex wound up with cases of it. Blue. Green. Salmon. The back of the page was blank, so it was perfect for the crayola drawings of little hands. Since Grandma had a daycare, the reject paper from the shoe factory was perfect for her.

The postman came in to visit with grandma and grandpa as he was delivering mail. Grandpa used to deliver mail, and he was real friendly to all of the letter carriers. It was summertime because it was hot, and Grandpa had offered the man a glass of water to drink. I’d just finished my take on the Three Little Bears, and Grandma being quite proud of it told me I should show it to the postman. I don’t remember his name, but he made a big production of reading it. And stopping to correct my spelling. He took his pen out of his pocket and crossed through my fat crayon lines, replacing them with skinny approximations, the tip of his ball-point stabbing straight to my small heart.

I stopped wanting to be a writer that very day. I don’t remember spending hours, sitting on the hearth, or curled in a ball in the corner of a couch, or hunched over the formal dinner table, writing, writing, writing after that morning. I think maybe I drew when I was prompted to, but other than that, I decided to let the tomboy roam free because it was obvious I wasn’t nearly as good at that girly stuff as my grandma and grandpa told I was.

I have certainly written since then, and garnered some praise for my writing since that time. But those early experiences wound deep.

June 18, 2006

Have been really tired today. Don't know if it was the weather, but exhausted. I went to bed last night at about 10:30 and slept until 10:00. Strange. Did some errands and then I came back to the house, laid down at 5:30, up at 7:30.

Went to Wal-Mart for some milk, eggs, etc. I bought organic milk because I heard that it lasts longer. We all know that I have a hard time drinking milk before it goes bad. With the half gallon I bought this evening, I have until July 26 to polish it off. My first reaction to that thought is to not trust it. Is it possible for milk to last that long? Really? And if it is possible, why doesn't all milk come that way? Is it a milk conspiracy? Does organic really make that much difference? Hmmmmmm. $3.86 for half a gallon of milk? I suppose that when you figure how much a half gallon costs regularly ($2.50 or so) and how much of it I waste, I suppose that could very well be a bargain.

I bought three more plants at Wal-Mart. All less than $2 each. One is a mini-rose, and another is a hanging strawberry plant. Huge leaves on the strawberry plant. Need to get some hooks for the porch so I can hang it up. Also need to get a bigger pot for the other plant I picked up. *sigh* I will confess that once again, I switched a price sticker. Since I know...and you know...that they're just going to dump the plants out anyway, I just did it. Besides, the big strawberry plant wasn't worth $3.50. And speaking of plants...the one hanging plant I bought last time takes a ton of water. If it is not watered everyday, it wilts dramatically. Very high maintenance plant. *sigh*

The neighbor has a new baby kitty. She was at Wal-Mart this morning and found her under a car. Can't be more than six weeks old. Cute, cute, cute. Looks a lot like my Peach, except not as much white fur. And there's some mottling on her back...more greyish than true black like my baby. She asked me if I wanted it, and I quickly said no. I so don't need another kitty. I don't have room for another kitty. I can't afford another kitty. Plus, I don't know if my babies would ever forgive me.

I was trying to remember how old Peach is, and I think she's gotta be getting close to 10, doesn't she? Dax has been gone six years, and I'm pretty sure we had her for a couple of years before then. I don't remember when exactly she came home. That means TSLO is about four. Where does the time go?

I need a snack before I take myself off to bed. It's late, and I should be in bed already. Tomorrow is a big day. Gonna go talk about my preproposal and then fill out an application at HPSD. And perhaps go by the C&I office again. I don't want to be too pushy, but I don't know what else to do. Maybe I'll ask someone tomorrow before I saunter over there. *sigh*

Anyway. Need to go to bed. Very tired. Headache.

June 14, 2006

Well. I'm 30. There's something a touch off about that. I'm not all together sure what it is, but I just don't feel like I should be saying that I'm 30. Will have to think more about that.

Cassie, Matt, and I spent the evening enjoying ourselves. I did not get totally wasted, although I did have a few to drink. (last night was ladies night at Ropers, which meant no cover and free to drink. Yee-haw!) We didn't really have dinner. Started things off at Chili's but it was skillet queso and chips there. And then nothing until Taco Bell at midnight.

Chilled out at the house for a bit. Played some frisbee. Been awhile since I did that. I suck at frisbee, but I'm not as bad as I thought I was. Will, Matt, and their friends enjoy playing disc golf, which I don't understand at all, but what are you going to do?

There were all kinds of cute military boys at Ropers last night. Matt said he thought they were from PA, just back from a year in Iraq. I, of course, did not meet any of them because I was talking to Matt. Kind of hard to send out "available" vibes when you're giving someone else your full attention.

Can I say that I am incredible? Got to bed last night about 2:00 and was up by 6:30. I rock. My head hurts just a little, and I'm a bit on the queasy side, but I'm upright and moving and responsible. I'm betting that Matt is not in the same condition.

I'm not all that clear right this moment because it's too early in the morning, but that's OK. Just thought I'd post a little update. Now I need to finish up a paper that is due this afternoon.

June 12, 2006

So, it's almost here, and I think I'm having a harder time with it than I anticipated. Right this minute all I really want to do is cry.

We were driving home from the mall tonight, where I struck out again in my search for some brown strappy sandals (we went to every store. Had some that would have worked in a pinch but weren't just right, and some that were just right but not in my size) when Cassie asked me if there was anything I wanted to get done in my 20s because time was almost up.

I can't think of what I'd like to do, but I'm sure there's something. There has to be something. Doesn't there? I think that maybe I wish I'd managed to form some sort of lasting romantic relationship.

But I don't really think those are things I want to ponder tonight.

Can I say that there are times when I really, really hate where this life has taken me. The places where I've taken myself, I think is probably more appropriate to say. Inertia can be really difficult to overcome.

I've just polished off the last of my Godiva Chocolate Raspberry Truffle ice cream. There was probably a serving and a half in there. So much for inertia. *sigh*

June 9, 2006

I have figured out what part of my problem was yesterday. My period started today (apologies to the boys who may be reading the site). I'm a bit out of sorts today. Weepy even. And I have horrible cramps this evening, along with bloating. Suck.

Went out to buy some shoes this evening, as my lovely brown Steve Madden shoes have finally bought the dust. I was hiking across campus on Wednesday, when I stumbled and broke one of the straps. *sigh* I've been wearing them for 3-4 years, so I suppose that's a goo bargain, considering I bought them at Ross. I'm interested in a pair of wedges, but I can't find exactly what I'm looking for. There was a cute pair of cork wedges with brown moc croc round open toe. While they were cute, I didn't think they'd be as all purpose as my previous shoes. *sigh* The Ross here never has any good shoes, so right now I'm about screwed. Gotta figure something out, though.

I just saw a story on WLOX that talked about how MS's only abortion clinic is going to be the target of national protests. A North Carolina minister and his wife are currently at the clinic protesting. The wife was filmed screaming at a woman walking into the clinic: You'll always be a mother but you'll be the mother of a dead baby. Ummm...OK. How does that get juxtaposed with their sign that said "We Can Help". Like I'd be willing to believe someone who could say something so vile to me in a moment of extreme distress would be willing to help me. Those words are not about changing someone's mind; it's about humiliation and degradation.

Speaking of which, perhaps I'm getting persnickety in my older age, but the level of discourse in the country is beginning to be extremely troublesome to me. It seems that people no longer know how to disagree, and that when someone disagrees with you it is personal. And if someone has a differing opinion, we can't still respect them. It's much more about that humiliation and degradation rather than an exchange of ideas. What is that about? Why is that happening? What is wrong with us? I try very hard to not participate in that type of thing, but sometimes I slip. I'm trying to be better and at the very least change myself.

June 8, 2006

Now I'm about to get a little panicky. Still haven't heard about the job, and Kim had dinner with the chair this evening, where she took the opportunity to ask for me. She was told that it depends on the numbers and student enrollment...it'll be another 3-4 says before she knows.

OK. OK. The fact that she hasn't called or sent me an email to tell me those things is troubling and causes a bit of a stomach ache.

The Hattiesburg school district is hiring for five English teachers. I figure I'll go apply next week. Kim let the chair know I was going to be doing so. She also said that she was sure I'd get one of those positions.

I really am trying to remain positive and believe that something will happen, that exactly what is supposed to happen will happen. Allowing that happen is a little on the difficult side at times, though. I am, though, doing some positive imagining...picturing myself doing the job that I want, putting that energy out into the world.

Y'all do it too, please.

I feel a bit depressed about all of this. My horoscope says that the full moon on June 11 will be difficult for me. I wonder if this is just an early beginning to it. The horoscope also says that the new moon on the 25th will be beneficial and counteract (hopefully) any stressful aspects of the full moon. It also says that "The month ends on a particularly sweet note, for the month's very best aspect will arrive on June 30. This aspect again has to do with money and your day-to- day work agenda. Jupiter will be in superb angle to the Sun on that day, again helping you increase your earning ability by allowing you to aim for, and receive, a plum assignment. This one would be a shining jewel in your crown."

*sigh*

OK. Gonna stop thinking about that. Could use a drive right about now, though.

June 7, 2006

I'm so incredibly tired. I slept like hell last night, and I'm feeling very sick again. I'm gonna have to break down and go to the doctor, I think. The cough is back, my throat is killing me. Maybe it's just because I'm stressed about the beginning of the summer institute. I dunno.

Went out to Beth's last night for a birthday celebration. Instead of a cake, because she knows I don't like them, she went to Jodie's bakery and picked up an assortment of cookies. There were these cookies (not sugar, not shortbread but that kinda plain crumbly cookie?) that had an incredible dollop of fudge on top of them and four pecan halves. Yum.

I was thinking this afternoon about the perfect birthday present...something I could really use, but I don't remember now what it was. It's that whole getting older thing, I Suppose. I could always use an IPOD, but that wasn't the perfect present I was thinking of.

Had a couple of women from the institute over for dinner tonight. Grilled some chicken, steamed some green beans, mixed a salad, sliced some bread. I think it went rather well. Guess they'll be back next week. I feel bad for them being stuck in the dorms; I know how badly it sucks.

I was so tired today. Barely managed to stay awake.

Think I'm going to set off some bug bombs on Saturday. The annoying neighbor (not the lesbian) asked yesterday if she could use the hose, and I told her yes. She said she'd bathed one of her dogs and it was covered in fleas. That so does not make me happy. Guess I'm gonna have to start vacuuming every day again and watching my girls closely. Cassie says she's not getting bitten. I hope that's true.

Did anyone besides me watch David Lee Roth on Jay Leno last night? It was so incredibly sad. "Panama" as bluegrass? What the fuck was he thinking? I mean, really? (Tonight the drummer for John Fogherty is annoying me, but he's not sad and pathetic. He just thinks that lights inside of his drums like strobes are cool)

OK. I'm tired. Going to bed.

June 4, 2006

The institute starts tomorrow. Little nervous about that, but I don't think I'm going to say anything else about it. Other than I spent hours tonight scanning my handout because it was BC (before the crash). *sigh* It is now saved, and I will shortly be backing the computer up so if this computer should crash, I won't have to scan things forever again.

On the way to WalMart this morning to get kitty litter, I noticed a dead kitten in the road. I'd say it was probably 6-8 weeks old. I don't know how a kitten would get to where the body was. The only thing I can think is that it was tossed off of the overpass. I had a "oh" moment and was sad.

Which is strange because as some of you know, I'm about the biggest advocate of taking those kittens at the Grand-Sner's out and drowning them. Perhaps I was sad because I didn't know if the kitten in the middle of the road maybe had a chance for a good life. Those kittens on the GrandSner's front porch don't have much of a chance. They're gonna be sick. They're gonna have fleas. It's gonna be unpleasant for them.

I think perhaps I have found the thing to write about for tomorrow in the SI.

My singing bowl and my meditation bell came in. I'm not sure which one I'm going to use. Or if I'm going to use the meditation cymbals. So many things to decide. *sigh*

I'm trying to decide if I have flea bites or what. The kids don't appear to be itching, but they are wearing flea collars. They could be chigger bites, picked up from Beth's, but no one out there has bites. I'm not quite sure what's going on.

You only have a little while left to get my birthday present in the mail. If you haven't already decided on something, you could always get me a lovely mixer. I'd really like a Kitchen-Aid, but I'll take a hand-mixer, too. I think I'm supposed to make cookies for the picnic for the police and fire-fighters on the 4th of July that the Jaycees are sponsoring. *sigh* Gonna have to get it figured out by then.

Anyway. I don't know how much else I have to say tonight.

June 1 , 2006

There are now only 12 shopping days until my birthday. If you are hoping for your gift to arrive in time, you may need to get things put in the mail. At the latest, I'm thinking by June 5. I'm not sure I have a shopping list for you this year. Sorry. Not sure that there's a whole lot out there I want. Surprise me please. *grin*

Went for a bike ride this evening. Have been feeling unhapppy with myself, but haven't been doing anything about it. It was a fairly miserable ride because both of my tires were low on air and because I haven't ridden since spring break. This time last year I was doing a 40-60 mile ride once a week, with an average of 20 miles a day. I haven't much ridden since I had that horrible experience on the Tammany Trace.

I need to ride more often, though. I'm planning on getting back to that. I have the helmet. I have the incredible camelback. I have no excuses.

I think I have ringworm. Since last night I've been using antifungal cream, and I think it's getting better. At least the main spot is fading. Dammit. Is this just not my luck? I wonder where it came from? Perhaps from being in New Orleans. I can't think of where else it might have come from.

Still no word on the job. Starting to get antsy about that, but I'm restraining myself. Not letting it totally fuck me up.