July 2011
July 26, 2011
Late Night Update
It's not that I haven't had time to be here and write. I have. I just made the choice not to. I'm here right now because I'm so very upset about something I just learned. But more about that later.
I've been home for almost two months now. It's hard to believe that the summer is breathing its last gasps and that in just a week teachers all over south Mississippi will be reporting back to work. Really? so much for that three months off in the summer. In a little over a week, children will be in uniforms, sitting demurely in rows, gazing out the window, wishing they were back frolicking in the sunshine or drooling in front of video games. I wish that we allowed children to be children and enjoy their youth. They have so little time to be children.
I've been searching for a job, but so far there is nothing. It's very frustrating. I'm nervous about not having that security. Everyone tells me not to worry. Matt tells me he'll work two jobs to support us. Beth says that there are always jobs during the first week, and not to worry because SOMETHING will come up. I want to believe that. I don't want to be dependent upon Matt, even though we are getting married and if you can't be dependent upon your spouse, who can you be dependent upon? I've been independent for so very long.
I am scared. I wish I weren't, but the truth is that I am. I'm very scared.
I mailed off another application today. Tomorrow I'll put together yet another one and send it off. And perhaps even another one. On Thursday, I'll go to the WIN job center and see what they have to offer outside of education. I need to put together a different kind of resume and a cover letter for a job opportunity that a friend has told me about that isn't in education. That job scares me too because it is based on the whims of the electorate, and it's not a pretty place for politicians these days. But I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like I have options. I put my eggs in the education basket and have gotten burned by it. Although I'm trying to remember that next week school starts, and there are always jobs the first week of school.
I went up to Missouri this weekend to see Grandma. We've been a little worried about her since my brother went to see her back in June. She seemed like she always does. If she'd been at her home in Billings, nothing would have changed. She sat in her chair and was crocheting. The papers were piling up at the end of her bed. She has a much smaller space to manuver in, but her life remains essentially the same. She can't get out and go if she wants to, but she goes through the same motions. Perhaps that's what life is about...going through the same motions, moving to the same rhythms.
Maybe that's my problem...I keep looking for a different rhythm to move to when really I should be learning how to dance to the one that is.
So tomorrow I'll begin a Bridge to 10K program. I've finished a Couch to 5K program...for the third time. Even though I'm slow, I can run for 30 minutes straight. That means it is time to move on. I'll be doing this 10 K program for 6 weeks. From there, I'll do a half marathon program. And I'm hoping that as soon as I finish that, I'll go on to a marathon program. My goal is the Mardi Gras Marathon in New Orleans in March. I believe I can do that. I have enough time. I may do it slowly, but I can do it. The bonus is that I should hopefully lose weight...particularly when you consider how slowly I run and the need to get all of those training miles in.
Which brings me to an idea about how to help the whole family working towards a more healthful lifestyle, thanks to my friend Cari. I'll talk to the PA about it tomorrow.
Which brings me to what has me so angry that I had to come here and write about it. I've been doing all this reading for the wedding...different planning sites, different blogs. I recently applied (APPLIED!) for membership at a particularly fun site and was accepted. It is a very accepting place. It's pretty much anything goes and you can be supported in however you want to do your wedding. If you want nothing traditional, it's the place for you. If you aren't the typical image of a bride, it is certainly the place for you.
It is not the place for you, however, if you are interested in losing weight. Period. It espouses total and complete body acceptance...except if you want to be healthier. There is no way around the fact that if you are overweight, or obese as I am, you are at risk for a myriad of health problems. You can accept your body and love yourself--and I think I do--and still recognize that you need to change. That, however, is completely and totally off-limits. You can't talk about that. You can't acknowledge that you are making a decision for your own health. I won't be able to talk about marathon training or any of that because at its base is weight loss.
It makes me want to reconsider my membership at the site. Just continue to read the awesome blog posts about other people's weddings but forget about being a member of the community. I mean, I understand the impetus behind it, I really do. There is a lot of prejudice swirling around weight. But it rubs me extremely wrong.
Last Updated August 1, 2011
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