July 5, 2007

July 1, 2007

July 31, 2007

The puppy and I went for a walk tonight. I really didn't want to but she needed to go so that's what we did. It wasn't bad. There was something big going on at the zoo...saw the WhamBamShazam Mobile there. Interestingly enough walking seems to prompt diarrhea in the puppy. She poos right before we leave and about halfway through, she has to go...and go...and go again. I don't bring anything with me to pick it up because it's basically liquid. Have no clue what that is about.

Did you all see that Robin Roberts has been diagnosed with breast cancer? I watched her make the announcement this morning and was struck by how hard it was for her to say those words, how difficult it's been for her to face the idea that she has breast cancer. She was putting a brave face on it, but it looked like she was on the verge of crying the entire time--frightened. It has to be terrifying. She has access to the best care, though. I can't quite imagine what I would do if I were diagnosed with breast cancer right this minute. What would you do? Could you access the health care necessary to save your life? Without ruining your life?

I have time to read when I'm at work because there are periods of time when I don't have a whole of things to do, so today in between other tasks, I read this article about family leave. I'm very torn about the whole thing. I understand why we have family leave policies, and I think to a certain extent that we absolutely need them. But at the same time, I remember being irritated when the parents that I worked with were able to leave early or didn't have to do some things because of their children. I'm not sure what the balance is. You choose to have children; how accommodating is your employer supposed to be?

It was a really good hair day today. It's odd when it all comes together that way. In fact, it was a good looking day all around. The lipstick was just right, the outfit was OK. Pretty pleased with myself.

We have elections coming up next week. Are y'all ready to vote? Know which issues you're gonna take a stand on? Mississippi has open primaries, which means that even though I'm a registered Democrat, I can vote for Republican candidates. Apparently there's a strategic reason for the open primaries. It's no so much to get the right Republican candidate in place for the general election. It's to determine who the Republican will face. Don't think I quite like that. But then again, it's not what I'm used to.

The puppy's tongue was just hanging out of the side of her mouth. She was sitting there, staring at me, mouth closed, a good inch of her big ol' floppy tongue hanging down. I finally had to fix it for her because she looked so ridiculous.

My ring is irritating my finger (it does that now and again). The problem is that my finger is swollen right now and i can't get the ring off. *sigh*

July 30, 2007

Went out to Beth and Mark's tonight. Beth made dinner and we spent some quality time out on the back porch, listening to the rain fall. I forget how much I enjoy being out at gumbo Acres when I'm away from there, and when I go back, I'm always amazed at why I stayed away for so long because it is so incredibly nice. Quiet. Calm. Peaceful. Left my puppy at home so we wouldn't have to worry about her being rough on the old man.

Seems like there's a lot to talk about tonight, which is funny because before I opened up the program to edit the page, I was thinking that I would almost rather not write tonight.

Anyway...first off. Did anyone read Anna Quindlen's column in Newsweek today? It's an interesting question. What should happen to women who have abortions when abortion is legal? If the rule of the land is that abortion is the murder of an unborn child, and we hold that doctors are murderers when they perform abortions, what role does the woman have in that whole equation? What part of the responsibility is hers? I suppose that on one hand if we say that women cannot make decisions about their own bodies, then it makes sense to leave the women virtually blameless in the whole abortion debate. On the other hand, though, doctors wouldn't be murderers if women didn't set the ball in motion, as Quindlen points out. There is seemingly a piece of logic missing, but I suppose that the abortion debate is hard to keep in the realm of logic. Perhaps rightly so at times. But eventually we have to step back and evaluate what it is that we're saying and doing. I've said before that I don't know that I would ever have an abortion, but I don't rule the possibility out. Rather than focusing on banning abortions, I don't know why we don't focus on making abortions unnecessary in the first place. Again... a lack of logic.

Second off...those folks who are whinging about how unfair Michael Vick is being treated kinda irritate me. I don't know if Vick is guilty but it certainly seems like the cards are not stacked in his favor. That doesn't change the fact that his employer and the people he has endorsement deals with aren't bound by the whole innocent-until-proven-guilty thing. There's a code of conduct in the NFL and his sponsors are in it for the money. If he was worried about his career and his ability to make money, then he should have disassociated himself from those people who are causing him the problems now. For whatever reason, he choose not to do that. He made a poor decision, and now he has to pay the consequences for those poor decisions. You know, back in the day, when the Xboy decided that he was going to be a cop, he also made the decision to stop seeing certain groups of friends because their goals were not in alignment with his. He didn't want to take the chance that their choices would negatively impact his own. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but he didn't want to take the chance. Vick could have easily made a similar decision. He didn't. (and none of that even takes into account the very real possibility that he is guilty of the charges on which he's been indicted.

Also read this article that I found interesting. Y'all know that kudzu is the scourge of the south, but it appears that Giant Salyvinia might be just as awful...given the opportunity. Caddo Lake certainly does look beautiful. It's about 5.5 hours from here. I'm definitely heading to Kentucky in October to camp, but I might could make my way over there some weekend...work that morning and make my way over in the afternoon. That could work.

The other interesting thing today was the advances in MS research. I think I've said before that one of my great fears is that what's wrong with me is the beginnings of MS. Some of the symptoms fit, others don't, but it's one of those nagging worry type things. I could theoretically go to the doctor and ask about that particular diagnosis, but right this minute, I don't really want know. There is freedom in not knowing, even though when things aren't feeling that great (like today) there is also anxiety. I'm always a little worried that this time, things won't go back to normal. Right now there's a persistent tingling and numbness in my back that spreads into my legs. My arms are heavy and movement isn't that easy. Steps are taken gingerly. I'm watching the puppy to make sure she's not underfoot. But tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon or the day after that, it's going to all have gone away and everything will be normal again.

I can't quite figure out my new neighbor. She's home maybe two or three nights a week. she has a son who doesn't live with her. Until this evening, she was driving a Jeep Commander (very late model)...but tonight she rolled up in a brand new BMW roadster. When she is here, she's here at very odd hours. Don't get it. I'm not asking very many questions, though.

One more interesting article...about differential pricing of degrees. I guess it's been going on for awhile, but it doesn't seem right to me. I suppose if you're going to make more money when you're done, then theoretically you can afford to pay more for your tuition...or you'll be able to pay off your student loan debt. But I guess the troublesome part is...what if you don't have access to those kind of resources? Education is getting harder to come by it seems, and the foundation of our country...that whole you-can-be-anything-you-want...is a little bit of a lie. Or is a lie.

It rained this afternoon. And rained and rained and rained. The power went out at work like 6 times in the space of an hour because of nearby lightning. Ughhh.

July 29, 2007

I bought a crappy, crappy little phone today for $20 to use for the next month until I'm eligible for a line upgrade. If I didn't wait for a line upgrade, then I'd have to pay the full price for a phone, which makes me feel a bit dirty. I'm going to have to pay $250 for a phone that costs me $50 if I reup for 2 years? When that happens, I think I'm going to get a Krzr. I think. Maybe. I don't know. I have awhile to think about it, though.

Cleaned house a bit today. I need to do more, but that's as good as it's going to get today.

Was supposed to go out to Beth and Mark's to play in the pool, but I misunderstood when I was supposed to there. I thought she said after church tonight, but she meant this afternoon. *sigh* I'll go out tomorrow afternoon. School is starting for her on Wednesday, and she's running into some of the same problems that I did out at That Place. I'm going to have to send her flowers the first day of school...or rather, I'm going to take her flowers the first day of school. With my lunch break, I should be able to get out there and back. Since the secretary quit, I don't know if anyone there will recognize me.

I didn't see a whole lot of news today, so I don't have much to comment on with regard to that.

Anyone watching Rock of Love with Bret Michels? The dream is so much better than the reality. *sigh* There was a time when I was a younger fuzz that I would have given just about anything. He was hot. But the truth of the matter seems to be that he's exactly like the guy that came up with songs like "Unskinny Bop" and "Talk Dirty to Me." Not a lot of depth or maturity there. It's fun to watch, though. It's one of those things that you really just can't look away from. You want to, but you can't help but look at the circus tits...or notice the fact that a lot of those girlies happen to have labret piercings. Funny.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'd like to take the day off to just do whatever, but that's not possible. Especially this week. I was supposed to have jury duty this week but with monthly reports due, there's no way I could be gone. Kinda funny as this time last year I was called for jury duty too and couldn't make it then either.

Voluntary school prayer and bible literacy. That's part of the platform for one of our candidates for governor. Good grief. Are you kidding me? Apparently he is unaware that we already have voluntary school prayer. That anyone in the building can prayer any time they way, but you cannot force anyone to pray. Setting aside a time for "voluntary prayer" creates an atmosphere of coercion. It is a bit on the frustrating side.

I think I'm gonna get in the bathtub. I've got an issue of Glamour to read and I haven't soaked in awhile.

July 28, 2007

My cell phone is dead. So. I don't think that AT&T stores are open on Sundays, so that means I won't be getting anywhere to get a new phone until Monday. It doubly sucks because I was this close to being ready for a free phone upgrade because it was time to renew my contract. Suck, suck, suck. I would normally say that I'd just wait, but it's a month away and the cell is my only phone. I can't just not have a phone. You know?

Went to the nameless boy's parents' tonight because his dad's birthday is tomorrow. I didn't stay too long. Sang a little with his dad and one of their friends because they were playing. Apparently for many years, Larry (the dad) played in Mickey Gilly's band. left there early to meet some friends at Chilis for beer.

Polly and I went see The Simpsons this afternoon. Loved it. There were many, many hilarious parts, but the best thing about the movie was that it was the Simpsons. That underlying thing about family and how important family is. They struggle and are tested...things almost fall apart, but they come back together in the nick of time, with that whole sense of deep commitment. Or as deep of a commitment as cartoon characters can make. Loved it, though...just like I love the Simpsons show every week.

I did dishes this morning for the first time in probably two weeks. I mean the dishes had been rinsed, but I hadn't filled the sink with water and done all of that jazz. I hate doing dishes. I really wish I had a dishwasher in this hole.

I'm watching I Hate My 30s on VH-1. It sucks. Or at least I'm not liking it yet.

Anyway. It's 1 in the morning. I need to go to bed. *sigh*

July 26, 2007

There are moments when the world stops. When everything gets crystal clear and you know the truth for exactly what it is.

I'll not mention the nameless boy again. All of that has come to a grinding halt. Not from him but because I know the truth for what it is. I've tried to live with it as is, without pulling it out and examining it, but after tonight I just can't. Nothing will have changed for him but for me, everything is changed.

I didn't say it when the TB faded away, and it's very difficult to not say it now...and I've said it so many times. I don't know what's wrong with me, but something has to be. I can't find another explanation for it. I'm the girl for when no one else is around...the girl of convenience. I'm the choice of last resort.

None of the understanding that I've struggled to come to in the last several years matters. Being smart and funny and cool doesn't mean anything. Not wanting to change someone else and wanting to let people be themselves apparently doesn't matter.

And see the thing is...I don't want to be in charge of someone else. I don't want to change someone else. I don't want to bend someone to my will...or turn them into something that I want them to be. I just want to matter to someone. I want to feel like I'm inportant in someone else's life. For once in my life, I want to be someone's first priority...if even for just a little while. I don't want it forever. For just a little while. I want to be good enough.

I don't know how to do that, though, or how to make it happen. I don't know how to be any different than what I am. ..and I'm rapidly coming to the point where I just can't handle any more rejection. There's only so many times that you can shake it off...only so many times that you can get back up and put yourself out there again. And I'm awfully close to my limit. I apparently make such poor choices that it's probably a good idea anyway.

My class for this weekend has been canceled. So I'm going to work tomorrow. I wish I'd not told them that I didn't have class. I could stay in bed and feel sorry for myself, but I opened my mouth and now I'm going to work.

July 25, 2007

Tomorrow is my Friday. I'll be at a class at USM Friday and Saturday. It starts at 8:30 on Friday. Wish it were a little later so I could sleep in. I've been really tired this week. Might have something to do with drinking my dinner. (did that again tonight...went out with some guys from work to the Keg and Barrell...they didn't have a lot of beers tonight. At least not the ones that most of us wanted to drink)

Anyone here participate in Second Life? I read an article about it in the online version of Newsweek, and I have to say that I really don't understand what the attraction is. I have a hard enough time getting work done keeping up with a couple of message boards (I spend my time there rather than doing work. *sigh*); I can't imagine creating an entire nother life to have to keep up with. I'm a pretty concrete person so I suppose unless I see it and play around with it, I can't picture it. There's not much chance that I am going to play around with it because I don't want another thing that sucks me in. I mean, I don't really like to check my myspace page, but I compulsively do it every day. I can't imagine how that would work with a "second" life to manage.

There's more to say, but I'm itchy, itchy, itchy, and I need to go to bed. Sorry. More tomorrow.

July 24, 2007

I'm really not enthused about updating right now. I didn't do anymore work on the site over the weekend. I meant to, but then didn't.

Speaking of the weekend. Went to New Orleans for a little bit. You all know that I had a reading while I was there. It was a pretty crappy one, truth be told. Apparently here lately I've come to some incredible self-knowledge, and I'm at peace with myself. I balked at that interpretation of the four of cups. she also said that the next two months will be very difficult for me, but I'm going to be coming into my own within six months. Things I've been working for will come to fruition, and all that I have been wanting--all that I didn't know I wanted--was going to be coming to me. I just have to be willing to think and look outside the box. Don't dismiss things out of hand. Be willing to indulge in things that might not seem like me.

When I kinda questioned her about things, she said that I was like an empty vessel...ready to be filled. And then she tossed in that in there would be no grand romance in the next year--that I had more important things to concentrate on. (Like I haven't been telling myself that for 7? 8? years?) She did say that didn't mean there wouldn't be quality folk to spend time with and that I wouldn't need to sew things closed for the duration. OK.

After all of that, might have had a few drinks and danced a few dances. Maybe I kissed a few boys while I was at it. (None of them were as good as the nameless boy...who took a spill off of his four-wheeler this past weekend and dislocated his shoulder. Yeah, I was on the four-wheeler with him the weekend before. Much like Dax, though, he said that he's more careful when someone else is on the four-wheeler with him because it's one thing to hurt his dumb ass...another to hurt someone else)

New Orleans is slowly, so very slowly coming back. There are more apartments that are open in East New Orleans. It's good to see, but it is still so painful.

Just watching the Family Secrets thing on ABC. This week is teenagers giving their babies up for adoption. I cannot imagine being pregnant--even now. I don't know what I'd do. I don't know that I could give a child that I carried for nine months up...even knowing how much someone else could give him or her, even knowing that it might be the very best thing to do...I just don't know that I could do it. And I just don't know that I could spend time with that baby, bonding and creating memories, and then give him or her away. I just don't think I could do it. I suppose it's a very good thing that I don't have to worry about such things.

I read an article in the New York Times on Sunday about how juvenile sex offenders are subject to some of the same reporting laws that adult sex offenders are. Their names go on the internet...pictures and addresses. Besides that fact that we don't publish the names of juveniles who commit crimes, something strikes me as very, very wrong about that. According to the article, the recidivism rates for juvenile offenders are low (less than 10%)...and that a lot of times, what happens is juveniles don't have appropriate boundaries. They're exploring their new found sexuality and occasionally cross lines that they shouldn't. That seems plausible to me, although I don't discount that there are certainly those who are already predators. The problem is that with kids a one-size fits all approach isn't always what is the best idea. Actually now that I think about that statement, a one-size fits all approach doesn't work for many things, despite how hard we try to make it.

By the way...anyone hear about an increase in gang rapes committed by juveniles?

The puppy has a scratch on her nose. I think that perhaps one of the cats got her snout. That's all I can think of. Maybe she scratched herself on her crate. I dunno. Poor little girl. She just tried to eat a frog when we were outside for our pre-bedtime potty jaunt. I apparently attract the "special" kids. *sigh*

Speaking of the dog, she's getting bigger. I need to take some pics of her so y'all can see that she's not a little fuzz ball anymore. Still cute as all heck, but not a fuzz ball. I've got to call the vet and get her an appointment to get fixed. I also need to go to the feed store and get puppy shots for her. *sigh* I can't give her rabies at home, but I can do the rest of them, and I'm not afraid to do it since here in south Mississippi they apparently don't believe in low-cost shot clinics or low-cost spay and neuter services.

When I was out at Polly's Sunday night, her neighbors and I started talking about how much we were willing to spend on a pet. They had apparently just finished paying $2000 in vet bills...and a guy I work with just paid a $3000 vet bill. In both cases, the doggies had a broken leg. If that were my puppy...I really don't think that I'd pay it. She's a dog. Love her dearly, but there's another dog out there. Maybe I'll feel differently when I've had her longer than four months, but I just can't quite see it. Then again, I don't have a whole lot to spend these days. Maybe when I do have more in my pocket, it'll be a new ballgame.

It was a very cool day here. Very pleasant. I was going to go around and take some pics of the Swans on display in town but they ran blue lines at work today, and I was pretty wiped out by the time they got done. Maybe tomorrow.

I think I'm still affected by the blue lines. I've been sitting here staring for 15 minutes without doing anything, just my mouth hanging open. that means it's time for me to go to bed. *sigh*

July 20, 2007

Apparently I'm home for the weekend. I think I might head out tomorrow and see what kinds of trouble I can find, but the weather is supposed to be icky. It's been raining here for the last three hours. Huge rain. Like calf-deep water in the front yard.

Took the pupper dog for her walk tonight. She's good for about half an hour and then she wants to be done. Poor thing. We go for the whole hour, though. She needs it. I need it.

When we were walking tonight, I was listening to a This American Life podcast from back in May? It was all about reputation. In Act Two, a guy was talking about having actually asked all of his friends and family what they thought of him--apparently he had a bit of a reputation as an asshole--and they were honest with him. They agreed that he was in fact an asshole. While I may wonder what the folks around me think about me, I don't think that that I could handle the truth of it. (So I'm not asking. Thanks)

Got my NV teaching license in the mail yesterday. I guess that means that I'll apply for my GA teaching license here in the next couple of days. Gotta get my transcripts from UNR and USM so I can make that happen. I don't know if I'm going to wind up in GA, but it's an option. Since I don't feel like I'm making any progress here in MS.

Anyone in line for their Harry Potter book? Or having it delivered in the morning? I know there are fanatics, but I don't get it. There have been several articles lately that talk about how Harry Potter, touted as the savoir of children's reading habits, hasn't really had that great of an impact. Student reading is still declining. I haven't taken myself to see the new movie...didn't see the last one either, although I keep thinking that maybe I should have those movies in the collection that I never watch. Kind like my Lord of the Rings movies. Or any of the movies in my collection.

Saw this article in the New York Times today and was fondly reminded of a trip up the Incline in November of 2005. That was a good night. Flirting with the boy, getting a free fare. That reminds me that I really did like Pittsburgh. It was a nice place, nice folks. Had a very good time there.

A couple of days ago, I also read this article, about abstinence education, which kind of ties into the controversy that Romney is trying to stir up with Obama. Personally, I don't understand the objection to comprehensive sex ed. I don't understand why we wouldn't want our children to be armed with all of the information possible before they make a decision that could impact the rest of their lives. Presenting kids with options does not mean that they're going to make a bad choice. It just means they know what all of their possible choices are. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting our children know that we prefer that they abstain--for whatever reason (religious, moral, whatever). But in case they find themselves in a situation where they decide to not abstain, to not follow the wishes and hopes of their upbringings, then they should know how to protect themselves.

I've got through 2005 updated. I imagine that tomorrow I'll finish up the daily wonderings. Then I'm off to work on the teaching stuff.

July 19, 2007

One more day and it's the weekend. I imagine I'll spend quite a bit of time working on updating the site.

Not feeling all that happy tonight. I was in a pretty good mood most of the day, but. Got an email from a friend, and I'm feeling like a bit of a...failure. I think that perhaps it might be time for me to admit that I have a touch of depression. And have probably had a touch of depression for a really long time. That's hard to say. Hard to admit that I might have a problem. Y'all know that these are the things that worry me, so it's hard to even let myself think that. I know that there's nothing wrong with admitting that you need a little help, and there's nothing wrong with taking medication if you need help. But I don't want to have to admit that.

Still no clue what I'm going to do this weekend. It's supposed to come a rain tomorrow and Saturday. Maybe it's for the best if I just stay home. I could use a trip to an amusement park. A day of roller coasters would be good, I think.

There were a couple of articles that I wanted to talk about this evening, but I think it's going to have to wait until tomorrow. I need to go to sleep so I can get up early in the morning and walk my dog. We walk an hour or so every night, but I could certainly use more than that in terms of exercise.

July 18, 2007

Well, I think this is what it's going to be. I got some feedback (not a lot), and this seemed to be OK, so I guess this is what I'm going with. It's going to take me forever to get everything transferred to this new design, so y'all be patient with me. It's taken me about two hours tonight to do the Writing pages (put some new stuff up there...y'all check it out), 2003, 2004 and through May of 2005. The good news is that I'm doing everything off a template, so the next time I decide to do something stupid like this, I can just change the template and everything else changes automatically.

I've been looking over the last several years of my meanderings as I'm updating the pages, and the one thing that strikes me is that I don't have a whole lot to say these days. I used to go on and on and on, but these days, not so much. I also think that the quality of what I write has declined. Some of y'all are dedicated readers if you've stayed through all of the crap.

I just totally and completely forgot what I was going to say. It was right there, getting ready to flow from the tips of my fingers and now it's gone. Good grief.

I'm sure that you've heard about the brouhaha with Michael Vick. It's hard to believe how stupid some people are. With all the notoriety that he has--and all the opportunity--why would you do something to jeopardize that? Is it the whole power and money thing that makes people like him believe that he's not going to get caught or if he does, there will be some way to explain it away? I was just going to say that it's kinda sickening, but it's not "kinda". It is. All the way around, it's awful. Giving the OK to electrocute a dog? Why not just shoot it and put it out of its misery? Why engage in such torture?

You know, I believe that while I love my animals, they're still animals, and I'm not going to go over and above. While I'd miss them if they were gone, my life will go on without the kiddies. It was fine before them, and it will be fine again after them. But. That doesn't mean that I believe that they should be abused and tortured. If you can do that to an animal, then how much do you value life at all?

Went to buy a couple of basic t-shirts this afternoon. I just wanted some plain v-neck t-shirts. You used to be able to get some decent t-shirts at Old Navy, but apparently that's not true anymore. In fact, it's very rare that I find anything of interest in Old Navy. That used to not be the case at all. Wonder when that changed? I did find t-shirts at Target. For $7.00 each. Silver lining to every cloud or some such, eh?

I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do this weekend other than update my website. (It's going to take me all weekend...I should probably get my teaching stuff back online since school will soon be starting) There was some talk of being back at the nameless boy's river camp, but I haven't heard much more about that. So, I like to have a back-up plans. Right this minute, I'm thinking the choices are New Orleans or the Neshoba County Fair. I'm feeling the need to do some karaoke. But it would be interesting to go to the thing that is the Neshoba County Fair. Can't do both...can't afford the gas for both. It may be a moot point, though. I'm hoping to be lounging beside a river.

He and I exchanged a couple of sweet text messages this morning. He's charming and polished and knows how to say exactly the right things. I wonder where that comes from? It always keeps me about off balance. I never know if he means what he says or not. Which is nothing new. I suppose I'll go on as if he does mean it, with all things considered.

Just finished watching Nightline. There's a family in New York City who has committed to living a year...in the city...without creating a carbon imprint. They turned the power off in their apartment. They don't buy anything with packaging. They don't take the elevator or taxis or anything like that. They shop at a local farmer's market because everything has to be locally grown. I suppose that's a noble goal. I think we should all be conscious of how we affect the world we live in, but I don't know if I could go to extremes. And further in this day and age, I don't know if I could live in south Mississippi without power. I might be able to get by without air conditioning...if I had screens on the windows and could run the ceiling fans. But the rest of it, I don't know.

I think that's probably all for tonight. It's enough, isn't it? I tried to be a bit more intelligent-sounding. I don't know yet if it worked.

July 6, 2007

My head is killing me. As is my throat. Have to work tomorrow. Just went back to work and made copies of my handout. Gotta remember to dig out my poetry books in the morning and make sure my name is in all of them.

We didn't go for a walk tonight. I laid down when I got home because my head was hurting so bad, and I didn't wake up until 7:30, with the puppy crying. She's been a bit of a pain in the ass the last two days. She's figured out how to get around the baby gate and she gets into the kitchen when she's not supposed to. I tell her that she's a bad dog, and she goes straight into her crate, looking at me like, What? Bad dog? Me? And then today she gnawed her leash in half.

I am feeling a bit like running away from home. The urge is strong. Can't do it, though. My horoscope says that big things are afoot, even if it doesn't seem like there are. I dunno. Maybe. I guess.

The neighbor's boy is older than she is (looks like by about 20 years but then again, he also looks like he works outdoors without sunscreen, which is not a good thing for looking your age). Every time I've seen him the last couple days, he's been wearing shorts and those tan work boots. I'm here to tell you that boots and shorts do not go together. It's a very, very odd look, and most boys can't pull it off. The first time the TB came to the house, he was wearing shorts and boots. Not his most attractive fashion combo. The green shirt and glasses look was much, much better.

Anyway. I need to go to bed so I can get up and go to work.

How was your Fourth? Did you eat lots of food and watch some spectacular fireworks? I spent most of the day with the Jaycees for Cookout for Cops. Got up early in the morning so I could go talk about it on the 6:30 morning show. It was a good thing we did, though.

And if you were wondering, my potato salad turned out beautifully. Several people said they thought it came from a couple of local eateries. I need to remember, though, the next time I make something like potato salad with the potential for left-overs, then I need to make sure that I leave out the ingredients that I don't like. I'm going to be eating potato salad for the next week, and I'll be picking out celery for just that long. *sigh*

I'm going to be working on Saturday for the writing project. I like the writing project and I can always use the money so that's a good thing. We're going to be doing some poetry. Y'all know that I'm not the biggest fan of poetry, but I do have a few good tricks in the bag.

Still feeling a bit in retreat. Not from everyone and everything, though. Just boys. Someone asked yesterday how my love life was, and I replied that it was non-existent. True, and that's OK. I apparently go in spurts. Feast or famine or some such.

Walked the dog tonight in the rain. She doesn't like to get wet. Kinda funny. She kept looking at me like, what the hell are we doing? Don't you know that it is dry inside our house? She's now passed out at my feet, which is why we went for a walk in the rain.

Linked Wonders

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Daily Wonderings

July 2007

July 31, 2007

The puppy and I went for a walk tonight. I really didn't want to but she needed to go so that's what we did. It wasn't bad. There was something big going on at the zoo...saw the WhamBamShazam Mobile there. Interestingly enough walking seems to prompt diarrhea in the puppy. She poos right before we leave and about halfway through, she has to go...and go...and go again. I don't bring anything with me to pick it up because it's basically liquid. Have no clue what that is about.

Did you all see that Robin Roberts has been diagnosed with breast cancer? I watched her make the announcement this morning and was struck by how hard it was for her to say those words, how difficult it's been for her to face the idea that she has breast cancer. She was putting a brave face on it, but it looked like she was on the verge of crying the entire time--frightened. It has to be terrifying. She has access to the best care, though. I can't quite imagine what I would do if I were diagnosed with breast cancer right this minute. What would you do? Could you access the health care necessary to save your life? Without ruining your life?

I have time to read when I'm at work because there are periods of time when I don't have a whole of things to do, so today in between other tasks, I read this article about family leave. I'm very torn about the whole thing. I understand why we have family leave policies, and I think to a certain extent that we absolutely need them. But at the same time, I remember being irritated when the parents that I worked with were able to leave early or didn't have to do some things because of their children. I'm not sure what the balance is. You choose to have children; how accommodating is your employer supposed to be?

It was a really good hair day today. It's odd when it all comes together that way. In fact, it was a good looking day all around. The lipstick was just right, the outfit was OK. Pretty pleased with myself.

We have elections coming up next week. Are y'all ready to vote? Know which issues you're gonna take a stand on? Mississippi has open primaries, which means that even though I'm a registered Democrat, I can vote for Republican candidates. Apparently there's a strategic reason for the open primaries. It's no so much to get the right Republican candidate in place for the general election. It's to determine who the Republican will face. Don't think I quite like that. But then again, it's not what I'm used to.

The puppy's tongue was just hanging out of the side of her mouth. She was sitting there, staring at me, mouth closed, a good inch of her big ol' floppy tongue hanging down. I finally had to fix it for her because she looked so ridiculous.

My ring is irritating my finger (it does that now and again). The problem is that my finger is swollen right now and i can't get the ring off. *sigh*

July 30, 2007

Went out to Beth and Mark's tonight. Beth made dinner and we spent some quality time out on the back porch, listening to the rain fall. I forget how much I enjoy being out at gumbo Acres when I'm away from there, and when I go back, I'm always amazed at why I stayed away for so long because it is so incredibly nice. Quiet. Calm. Peaceful. Left my puppy at home so we wouldn't have to worry about her being rough on the old man.

Seems like there's a lot to talk about tonight, which is funny because before I opened up the program to edit the page, I was thinking that I would almost rather not write tonight.

Anyway...first off. Did anyone read Anna Quindlen's column in Newsweek today? It's an interesting question. What should happen to women who have abortions when abortion is legal? If the rule of the land is that abortion is the murder of an unborn child, and we hold that doctors are murderers when they perform abortions, what role does the woman have in that whole equation? What part of the responsibility is hers? I suppose that on one hand if we say that women cannot make decisions about their own bodies, then it makes sense to leave the women virtually blameless in the whole abortion debate. On the other hand, though, doctors wouldn't be murderers if women didn't set the ball in motion, as Quindlen points out. There is seemingly a piece of logic missing, but I suppose that the abortion debate is hard to keep in the realm of logic. Perhaps rightly so at times. But eventually we have to step back and evaluate what it is that we're saying and doing. I've said before that I don't know that I would ever have an abortion, but I don't rule the possibility out. Rather than focusing on banning abortions, I don't know why we don't focus on making abortions unnecessary in the first place. Again... a lack of logic.

Second off...those folks who are whinging about how unfair Michael Vick is being treated kinda irritate me. I don't know if Vick is guilty but it certainly seems like the cards are not stacked in his favor. That doesn't change the fact that his employer and the people he has endorsement deals with aren't bound by the whole innocent-until-proven-guilty thing. There's a code of conduct in the NFL and his sponsors are in it for the money. If he was worried about his career and his ability to make money, then he should have disassociated himself from those people who are causing him the problems now. For whatever reason, he choose not to do that. He made a poor decision, and now he has to pay the consequences for those poor decisions. You know, back in the day, when the Xboy decided that he was going to be a cop, he also made the decision to stop seeing certain groups of friends because their goals were not in alignment with his. He didn't want to take the chance that their choices would negatively impact his own. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but he didn't want to take the chance. Vick could have easily made a similar decision. He didn't. (and none of that even takes into account the very real possibility that he is guilty of the charges on which he's been indicted.

Also read this article that I found interesting. Y'all know that kudzu is the scourge of the south, but it appears that Giant Salyvinia might be just as awful...given the opportunity. Caddo Lake certainly does look beautiful. It's about 5.5 hours from here. I'm definitely heading to Kentucky in October to camp, but I might could make my way over there some weekend...work that morning and make my way over in the afternoon. That could work.

The other interesting thing today was the advances in MS research. I think I've said before that one of my great fears is that what's wrong with me is the beginnings of MS. Some of the symptoms fit, others don't, but it's one of those nagging worry type things. I could theoretically go to the doctor and ask about that particular diagnosis, but right this minute, I don't really want know. There is freedom in not knowing, even though when things aren't feeling that great (like today) there is also anxiety. I'm always a little worried that this time, things won't go back to normal. Right now there's a persistent tingling and numbness in my back that spreads into my legs. My arms are heavy and movement isn't that easy. Steps are taken gingerly. I'm watching the puppy to make sure she's not underfoot. But tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon or the day after that, it's going to all have gone away and everything will be normal again.

I can't quite figure out my new neighbor. She's home maybe two or three nights a week. she has a son who doesn't live with her. Until this evening, she was driving a Jeep Commander (very late model)...but tonight she rolled up in a brand new BMW roadster. When she is here, she's here at very odd hours. Don't get it. I'm not asking very many questions, though.

One more interesting article...about differential pricing of degrees. I guess it's been going on for awhile, but it doesn't seem right to me. I suppose if you're going to make more money when you're done, then theoretically you can afford to pay more for your tuition...or you'll be able to pay off your student loan debt. But I guess the troublesome part is...what if you don't have access to those kind of resources? Education is getting harder to come by it seems, and the foundation of our country...that whole you-can-be-anything-you-want...is a little bit of a lie. Or is a lie.

It rained this afternoon. And rained and rained and rained. The power went out at work like 6 times in the space of an hour because of nearby lightning. Ughhh.

July 29, 2007

I bought a crappy, crappy little phone today for $20 to use for the next month until I'm eligible for a line upgrade. If I didn't wait for a line upgrade, then I'd have to pay the full price for a phone, which makes me feel a bit dirty. I'm going to have to pay $250 for a phone that costs me $50 if I reup for 2 years? When that happens, I think I'm going to get a Krzr. I think. Maybe. I don't know. I have awhile to think about it, though.

Cleaned house a bit today. I need to do more, but that's as good as it's going to get today.

Was supposed to go out to Beth and Mark's to play in the pool, but I misunderstood when I was supposed to there. I thought she said after church tonight, but she meant this afternoon. *sigh* I'll go out tomorrow afternoon. School is starting for her on Wednesday, and she's running into some of the same problems that I did out at That Place. I'm going to have to send her flowers the first day of school...or rather, I'm going to take her flowers the first day of school. With my lunch break, I should be able to get out there and back. Since the secretary quit, I don't know if anyone there will recognize me.

I didn't see a whole lot of news today, so I don't have much to comment on with regard to that.

Anyone watching Rock of Love with Bret Michels? The dream is so much better than the reality. *sigh* There was a time when I was a younger fuzz that I would have given just about anything. He was hot. But the truth of the matter seems to be that he's exactly like the guy that came up with songs like "Unskinny Bop" and "Talk Dirty to Me." Not a lot of depth or maturity there. It's fun to watch, though. It's one of those things that you really just can't look away from. You want to, but you can't help but look at the circus tits...or notice the fact that a lot of those girlies happen to have labret piercings. Funny.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'd like to take the day off to just do whatever, but that's not possible. Especially this week. I was supposed to have jury duty this week but with monthly reports due, there's no way I could be gone. Kinda funny as this time last year I was called for jury duty too and couldn't make it then either.

Voluntary school prayer and bible literacy. That's part of the platform for one of our candidates for governor. Good grief. Are you kidding me? Apparently he is unaware that we already have voluntary school prayer. That anyone in the building can prayer any time they way, but you cannot force anyone to pray. Setting aside a time for "voluntary prayer" creates an atmosphere of coercion. It is a bit on the frustrating side.

I think I'm gonna get in the bathtub. I've got an issue of Glamour to read and I haven't soaked in awhile.

July 28, 2007

My cell phone is dead. So. I don't think that AT&T stores are open on Sundays, so that means I won't be getting anywhere to get a new phone until Monday. It doubly sucks because I was this close to being ready for a free phone upgrade because it was time to renew my contract. Suck, suck, suck. I would normally say that I'd just wait, but it's a month away and the cell is my only phone. I can't just not have a phone. You know?

Went to the nameless boy's parents' tonight because his dad's birthday is tomorrow. I didn't stay too long. Sang a little with his dad and one of their friends because they were playing. Apparently for many years, Larry (the dad) played in Mickey Gilly's band. left there early to meet some friends at Chilis for beer.

Polly and I went see The Simpsons this afternoon. Loved it. There were many, many hilarious parts, but the best thing about the movie was that it was the Simpsons. That underlying thing about family and how important family is. They struggle and are tested...things almost fall apart, but they come back together in the nick of time, with that whole sense of deep commitment. Or as deep of a commitment as cartoon characters can make. Loved it, though...just like I love the Simpsons show every week.

I did dishes this morning for the first time in probably two weeks. I mean the dishes had been rinsed, but I hadn't filled the sink with water and done all of that jazz. I hate doing dishes. I really wish I had a dishwasher in this hole.

I'm watching I Hate My 30s on VH-1. It sucks. Or at least I'm not liking it yet.

Anyway. It's 1 in the morning. I need to go to bed. *sigh*

July 26, 2007

There are moments when the world stops. When everything gets crystal clear and you know the truth for exactly what it is.

I'll not mention the nameless boy again. All of that has come to a grinding halt. Not from him but because I know the truth for what it is. I've tried to live with it as is, without pulling it out and examining it, but after tonight I just can't. Nothing will have changed for him but for me, everything is changed.

I didn't say it when the TB faded away, and it's very difficult to not say it now...and I've said it so many times. I don't know what's wrong with me, but something has to be. I can't find another explanation for it. I'm the girl for when no one else is around...the girl of convenience. I'm the choice of last resort.

None of the understanding that I've struggled to come to in the last several years matters. Being smart and funny and cool doesn't mean anything. Not wanting to change someone else and wanting to let people be themselves apparently doesn't matter.

And see the thing is...I don't want to be in charge of someone else. I don't want to change someone else. I don't want to bend someone to my will...or turn them into something that I want them to be. I just want to matter to someone. I want to feel like I'm inportant in someone else's life. For once in my life, I want to be someone's first priority...if even for just a little while. I don't want it forever. For just a little while. I want to be good enough.

I don't know how to do that, though, or how to make it happen. I don't know how to be any different than what I am. ..and I'm rapidly coming to the point where I just can't handle any more rejection. There's only so many times that you can shake it off...only so many times that you can get back up and put yourself out there again. And I'm awfully close to my limit. I apparently make such poor choices that it's probably a good idea anyway.

My class for this weekend has been canceled. So I'm going to work tomorrow. I wish I'd not told them that I didn't have class. I could stay in bed and feel sorry for myself, but I opened my mouth and now I'm going to work.

July 25, 2007

Tomorrow is my Friday. I'll be at a class at USM Friday and Saturday. It starts at 8:30 on Friday. Wish it were a little later so I could sleep in. I've been really tired this week. Might have something to do with drinking my dinner. (did that again tonight...went out with some guys from work to the Keg and Barrell...they didn't have a lot of beers tonight. At least not the ones that most of us wanted to drink)

Anyone here participate in Second Life? I read an article about it in the online version of Newsweek, and I have to say that I really don't understand what the attraction is. I have a hard enough time getting work done keeping up with a couple of message boards (I spend my time there rather than doing work. *sigh*); I can't imagine creating an entire nother life to have to keep up with. I'm a pretty concrete person so I suppose unless I see it and play around with it, I can't picture it. There's not much chance that I am going to play around with it because I don't want another thing that sucks me in. I mean, I don't really like to check my myspace page, but I compulsively do it every day. I can't imagine how that would work with a "second" life to manage.

There's more to say, but I'm itchy, itchy, itchy, and I need to go to bed. Sorry. More tomorrow.

July 24, 2007

I'm really not enthused about updating right now. I didn't do anymore work on the site over the weekend. I meant to, but then didn't.

Speaking of the weekend. Went to New Orleans for a little bit. You all know that I had a reading while I was there. It was a pretty crappy one, truth be told. Apparently here lately I've come to some incredible self-knowledge, and I'm at peace with myself. I balked at that interpretation of the four of cups. she also said that the next two months will be very difficult for me, but I'm going to be coming into my own within six months. Things I've been working for will come to fruition, and all that I have been wanting--all that I didn't know I wanted--was going to be coming to me. I just have to be willing to think and look outside the box. Don't dismiss things out of hand. Be willing to indulge in things that might not seem like me.

When I kinda questioned her about things, she said that I was like an empty vessel...ready to be filled. And then she tossed in that in there would be no grand romance in the next year--that I had more important things to concentrate on. (Like I haven't been telling myself that for 7? 8? years?) She did say that didn't mean there wouldn't be quality folk to spend time with and that I wouldn't need to sew things closed for the duration. OK.

After all of that, might have had a few drinks and danced a few dances. Maybe I kissed a few boys while I was at it. (None of them were as good as the nameless boy...who took a spill off of his four-wheeler this past weekend and dislocated his shoulder. Yeah, I was on the four-wheeler with him the weekend before. Much like Dax, though, he said that he's more careful when someone else is on the four-wheeler with him because it's one thing to hurt his dumb ass...another to hurt someone else)

New Orleans is slowly, so very slowly coming back. There are more apartments that are open in East New Orleans. It's good to see, but it is still so painful.

Just watching the Family Secrets thing on ABC. This week is teenagers giving their babies up for adoption. I cannot imagine being pregnant--even now. I don't know what I'd do. I don't know that I could give a child that I carried for nine months up...even knowing how much someone else could give him or her, even knowing that it might be the very best thing to do...I just don't know that I could do it. And I just don't know that I could spend time with that baby, bonding and creating memories, and then give him or her away. I just don't think I could do it. I suppose it's a very good thing that I don't have to worry about such things.

I read an article in the New York Times on Sunday about how juvenile sex offenders are subject to some of the same reporting laws that adult sex offenders are. Their names go on the internet...pictures and addresses. Besides that fact that we don't publish the names of juveniles who commit crimes, something strikes me as very, very wrong about that. According to the article, the recidivism rates for juvenile offenders are low (less than 10%)...and that a lot of times, what happens is juveniles don't have appropriate boundaries. They're exploring their new found sexuality and occasionally cross lines that they shouldn't. That seems plausible to me, although I don't discount that there are certainly those who are already predators. The problem is that with kids a one-size fits all approach isn't always what is the best idea. Actually now that I think about that statement, a one-size fits all approach doesn't work for many things, despite how hard we try to make it.

By the way...anyone hear about an increase in gang rapes committed by juveniles?

The puppy has a scratch on her nose. I think that perhaps one of the cats got her snout. That's all I can think of. Maybe she scratched herself on her crate. I dunno. Poor little girl. She just tried to eat a frog when we were outside for our pre-bedtime potty jaunt. I apparently attract the "special" kids. *sigh*

Speaking of the dog, she's getting bigger. I need to take some pics of her so y'all can see that she's not a little fuzz ball anymore. Still cute as all heck, but not a fuzz ball. I've got to call the vet and get her an appointment to get fixed. I also need to go to the feed store and get puppy shots for her. *sigh* I can't give her rabies at home, but I can do the rest of them, and I'm not afraid to do it since here in south Mississippi they apparently don't believe in low-cost shot clinics or low-cost spay and neuter services.

When I was out at Polly's Sunday night, her neighbors and I started talking about how much we were willing to spend on a pet. They had apparently just finished paying $2000 in vet bills...and a guy I work with just paid a $3000 vet bill. In both cases, the doggies had a broken leg. If that were my puppy...I really don't think that I'd pay it. She's a dog. Love her dearly, but there's another dog out there. Maybe I'll feel differently when I've had her longer than four months, but I just can't quite see it. Then again, I don't have a whole lot to spend these days. Maybe when I do have more in my pocket, it'll be a new ballgame.

It was a very cool day here. Very pleasant. I was going to go around and take some pics of the Swans on display in town but they ran blue lines at work today, and I was pretty wiped out by the time they got done. Maybe tomorrow.

I think I'm still affected by the blue lines. I've been sitting here staring for 15 minutes without doing anything, just my mouth hanging open. that means it's time for me to go to bed. *sigh*

July 20, 2007

Apparently I'm home for the weekend. I think I might head out tomorrow and see what kinds of trouble I can find, but the weather is supposed to be icky. It's been raining here for the last three hours. Huge rain. Like calf-deep water in the front yard.

Took the pupper dog for her walk tonight. She's good for about half an hour and then she wants to be done. Poor thing. We go for the whole hour, though. She needs it. I need it.

When we were walking tonight, I was listening to a This American Life podcast from back in May? It was all about reputation. In Act Two, a guy was talking about having actually asked all of his friends and family what they thought of him--apparently he had a bit of a reputation as an asshole--and they were honest with him. They agreed that he was in fact an asshole. While I may wonder what the folks around me think about me, I don't think that that I could handle the truth of it. (So I'm not asking. Thanks)

Got my NV teaching license in the mail yesterday. I guess that means that I'll apply for my GA teaching license here in the next couple of days. Gotta get my transcripts from UNR and USM so I can make that happen. I don't know if I'm going to wind up in GA, but it's an option. Since I don't feel like I'm making any progress here in MS.

Anyone in line for their Harry Potter book? Or having it delivered in the morning? I know there are fanatics, but I don't get it. There have been several articles lately that talk about how Harry Potter, touted as the savoir of children's reading habits, hasn't really had that great of an impact. Student reading is still declining. I haven't taken myself to see the new movie...didn't see the last one either, although I keep thinking that maybe I should have those movies in the collection that I never watch. Kind like my Lord of the Rings movies. Or any of the movies in my collection.

Saw this article in the New York Times today and was fondly reminded of a trip up the Incline in November of 2005. That was a good night. Flirting with the boy, getting a free fare. That reminds me that I really did like Pittsburgh. It was a nice place, nice folks. Had a very good time there.

A couple of days ago, I also read this article, about abstinence education, which kind of ties into the controversy that Romney is trying to stir up with Obama. Personally, I don't understand the objection to comprehensive sex ed. I don't understand why we wouldn't want our children to be armed with all of the information possible before they make a decision that could impact the rest of their lives. Presenting kids with options does not mean that they're going to make a bad choice. It just means they know what all of their possible choices are. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting our children know that we prefer that they abstain--for whatever reason (religious, moral, whatever). But in case they find themselves in a situation where they decide to not abstain, to not follow the wishes and hopes of their upbringings, then they should know how to protect themselves.

I've got through 2005 updated. I imagine that tomorrow I'll finish up the daily wonderings. Then I'm off to work on the teaching stuff.

July 19, 2007

One more day and it's the weekend. I imagine I'll spend quite a bit of time working on updating the site.

Not feeling all that happy tonight. I was in a pretty good mood most of the day, but. Got an email from a friend, and I'm feeling like a bit of a...failure. I think that perhaps it might be time for me to admit that I have a touch of depression. And have probably had a touch of depression for a really long time. That's hard to say. Hard to admit that I might have a problem. Y'all know that these are the things that worry me, so it's hard to even let myself think that. I know that there's nothing wrong with admitting that you need a little help, and there's nothing wrong with taking medication if you need help. But I don't want to have to admit that.

Still no clue what I'm going to do this weekend. It's supposed to come a rain tomorrow and Saturday. Maybe it's for the best if I just stay home. I could use a trip to an amusement park. A day of roller coasters would be good, I think.

There were a couple of articles that I wanted to talk about this evening, but I think it's going to have to wait until tomorrow. I need to go to sleep so I can get up early in the morning and walk my dog. We walk an hour or so every night, but I could certainly use more than that in terms of exercise.

July 18, 2007

Well, I think this is what it's going to be. I got some feedback (not a lot), and this seemed to be OK, so I guess this is what I'm going with. It's going to take me forever to get everything transferred to this new design, so y'all be patient with me. It's taken me about two hours tonight to do the Writing pages (put some new stuff up there...y'all check it out), 2003, 2004 and through May of 2005. The good news is that I'm doing everything off a template, so the next time I decide to do something stupid like this, I can just change the template and everything else changes automatically.

I've been looking over the last several years of my meanderings as I'm updating the pages, and the one thing that strikes me is that I don't have a whole lot to say these days. I used to go on and on and on, but these days, not so much. I also think that the quality of what I write has declined. Some of y'all are dedicated readers if you've stayed through all of the crap.

I just totally and completely forgot what I was going to say. It was right there, getting ready to flow from the tips of my fingers and now it's gone. Good grief.

I'm sure that you've heard about the brouhaha with Michael Vick. It's hard to believe how stupid some people are. With all the notoriety that he has--and all the opportunity--why would you do something to jeopardize that? Is it the whole power and money thing that makes people like him believe that he's not going to get caught or if he does, there will be some way to explain it away? I was just going to say that it's kinda sickening, but it's not "kinda". It is. All the way around, it's awful. Giving the OK to electrocute a dog? Why not just shoot it and put it out of its misery? Why engage in such torture?

You know, I believe that while I love my animals, they're still animals, and I'm not going to go over and above. While I'd miss them if they were gone, my life will go on without the kiddies. It was fine before them, and it will be fine again after them. But. That doesn't mean that I believe that they should be abused and tortured. If you can do that to an animal, then how much do you value life at all?

Went to buy a couple of basic t-shirts this afternoon. I just wanted some plain v-neck t-shirts. You used to be able to get some decent t-shirts at Old Navy, but apparently that's not true anymore. In fact, it's very rare that I find anything of interest in Old Navy. That used to not be the case at all. Wonder when that changed? I did find t-shirts at Target. For $7.00 each. Silver lining to every cloud or some such, eh?

I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do this weekend other than update my website. (It's going to take me all weekend...I should probably get my teaching stuff back online since school will soon be starting) There was some talk of being back at the nameless boy's river camp, but I haven't heard much more about that. So, I like to have a back-up plans. Right this minute, I'm thinking the choices are New Orleans or the Neshoba County Fair. I'm feeling the need to do some karaoke. But it would be interesting to go to the thing that is the Neshoba County Fair. Can't do both...can't afford the gas for both. It may be a moot point, though. I'm hoping to be lounging beside a river.

He and I exchanged a couple of sweet text messages this morning. He's charming and polished and knows how to say exactly the right things. I wonder where that comes from? It always keeps me about off balance. I never know if he means what he says or not. Which is nothing new. I suppose I'll go on as if he does mean it, with all things considered.

Just finished watching Nightline. There's a family in New York City who has committed to living a year...in the city...without creating a carbon imprint. They turned the power off in their apartment. They don't buy anything with packaging. They don't take the elevator or taxis or anything like that. They shop at a local farmer's market because everything has to be locally grown. I suppose that's a noble goal. I think we should all be conscious of how we affect the world we live in, but I don't know if I could go to extremes. And further in this day and age, I don't know if I could live in south Mississippi without power. I might be able to get by without air conditioning...if I had screens on the windows and could run the ceiling fans. But the rest of it, I don't know.

I think that's probably all for tonight. It's enough, isn't it? I tried to be a bit more intelligent-sounding. I don't know yet if it worked.

July 6, 2007

My head is killing me. As is my throat. Have to work tomorrow. Just went back to work and made copies of my handout. Gotta remember to dig out my poetry books in the morning and make sure my name is in all of them.

We didn't go for a walk tonight. I laid down when I got home because my head was hurting so bad, and I didn't wake up until 7:30, with the puppy crying. She's been a bit of a pain in the ass the last two days. She's figured out how to get around the baby gate and she gets into the kitchen when she's not supposed to. I tell her that she's a bad dog, and she goes straight into her crate, looking at me like, What? Bad dog? Me? And then today she gnawed her leash in half.

I am feeling a bit like running away from home. The urge is strong. Can't do it, though. My horoscope says that big things are afoot, even if it doesn't seem like there are. I dunno. Maybe. I guess.

The neighbor's boy is older than she is (looks like by about 20 years but then again, he also looks like he works outdoors without sunscreen, which is not a good thing for looking your age). Every time I've seen him the last couple days, he's been wearing shorts and those tan work boots. I'm here to tell you that boots and shorts do not go together. It's a very, very odd look, and most boys can't pull it off. The first time the TB came to the house, he was wearing shorts and boots. Not his most attractive fashion combo. The green shirt and glasses look was much, much better.

Anyway. I need to go to bed so I can get up and go to work.

July 5, 2007

How was your Fourth? Did you eat lots of food and watch some spectacular fireworks? I spent most of the day with the Jaycees for Cookout for Cops. Got up early in the morning so I could go talk about it on the 6:30 morning show. It was a good thing we did, though.

And if you were wondering, my potato salad turned out beautifully. Several people said they thought it came from a couple of local eateries. I need to remember, though, the next time I make something like potato salad with the potential for left-overs, then I need to make sure that I leave out the ingredients that I don't like. I'm going to be eating potato salad for the next week, and I'll be picking out celery for just that long. *sigh*

I'm going to be working on Saturday for the writing project. I like the writing project and I can always use the money so that's a good thing. We're going to be doing some poetry. Y'all know that I'm not the biggest fan of poetry, but I do have a few good tricks in the bag.

Still feeling a bit in retreat. Not from everyone and everything, though. Just boys. Someone asked yesterday how my love life was, and I replied that it was non-existent. True, and that's OK. I apparently go in spurts. Feast or famine or some such.

Walked the dog tonight in the rain. She doesn't like to get wet. Kinda funny. She kept looking at me like, what the hell are we doing? Don't you know that it is dry inside our house? She's now passed out at my feet, which is why we went for a walk in the rain.

July 1, 2007

It's been a lazy kinda day. I didn't read for my dissertation, but that's OK. Went for a drive instead, which is always good for problem solving. Don't know if I figured anything out as in terms of solution generation, but I did quite the lot of thinking as Crowded House played from the stereo and the pine trees rolled by.

I have this friend who is now in her 40s and has never been married. Never even really been a serious relationship. She's pretty negative and pessimistic about the whole deal, sure that she's going to spend the rest of her life alone. I've always been of the belief that there's gotta be someone out there for everyone. There are too many people in the world for us to not find someone to not necessarily to spend the rest of our lives with, but someone who fits us....at least for a little while.

I think that deep down I still believe that, but I also begin to see patterns that might make the positive outcome more likely. I really do think that I believe that not every person you meet is going to be the one and that every moment is a chance to make something different....maybe better, maybe worse. It is still difficult for me, though, to go through those cycles without losing a little...something.

I think the thing that hits the hardest is self-confidence. I make such poor choices that it hard to face it all again believing that this time around it's going to be better...and what I really want to do is just retreat. Go into isolation. That's part of my pattern too, I think.

Anyway. Who knows.

Didn't go to see fireworks this evening (see the retreat comment above). I need to call Beth and see what their plans are for the 4th. I could always do some carnitas is Mark is going to smoke some ribs or something. I'll be with the Jaycee's during morning/early afternoon. Gotta make potato salad. I wish I had Ann Steven's recipe. All I remember is the bacon and the olives. I wonder how odd it would be to just call her up and ask for the recipe? I found their phone number online. Good lord, how long has it been since I talked to them?

How would that go, do you think?

"Hello, Ann?"

"Yes?"

"Hi! This is Jen. I'm sure that you don't remember me because it's been so incredibly long, but I dated your son in 1993?"

-catching up chitchat-

"Well, yeah, anyway...could I get your potato salad recipe?"

Funny!

I still might call, though. That might be kinda cool. Wonder how old Jeremy is now and how Jenni's marriage is. (Didn't she get married again? Or was she still married?)

VH-1 is running an ad for a program called "I Hate My 30s": for the worst years of your life. That is kinda funny to me. Maybe I need to watch it, though.

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It's been a lazy kinda day. I didn't read for my dissertation, but that's OK. Went for a drive instead, which is always good for problem solving. Don't know if I figured anything out as in terms of solution generation, but I did quite the lot of thinking as Crowded House played from the stereo and the pine trees rolled by.

I have this friend who is now in her 40s and has never been married. Never even really been a serious relationship. She's pretty negative and pessimistic about the whole deal, sure that she's going to spend the rest of her life alone. I've always been of the belief that there's gotta be someone out there for everyone. There are too many people in the world for us to not find someone to not necessarily to spend the rest of our lives with, but someone who fits us....at least for a little while.

I think that deep down I still believe that, but I also begin to see patterns that might make the positive outcome more likely. I really do think that I believe that not every person you meet is going to be the one and that every moment is a chance to make something different....maybe better, maybe worse. It is still difficult for me, though, to go through those cycles without losing a little...something.

I think the thing that hits the hardest is self-confidence. I make such poor choices that it hard to face it all again believing that this time around it's going to be better...and what I really want to do is just retreat. Go into isolation. That's part of my pattern too, I think.

Anyway. Who knows.

Didn't go to see fireworks this evening (see the retreat comment above). I need to call Beth and see what their plans are for the 4th. I could always do some carnitas is Mark is going to smoke some ribs or something. I'll be with the Jaycee's during morning/early afternoon. Gotta make potato salad. I wish I had Ann Steven's recipe. All I remember is the bacon and the olives. I wonder how odd it would be to just call her up and ask for the recipe? I found their phone number online. Good lord, how long has it been since I talked to them?

How would that go, do you think?

"Hello, Ann?"

"Yes?"

"Hi! This is Jen. I'm sure that you don't remember me because it's been so incredibly long, but I dated your son in 1993?"

-catching up chitchat-

"Well, yeah, anyway...could I get your potato salad recipe?"

Funny!

I still might call, though. That might be kinda cool. Wonder how old Jeremy is now and how Jenni's marriage is. (Didn't she get married again? Or was she still married?)

VH-1 is running an ad for a program called "I Hate My 30s": for the worst years of your life. That is kinda funny to me. Maybe I need to watch it, though.