January 2009
January 31, 2009
Mid Evening Update
I spent an hour pounding on pecans, and I don't feel better. I have no real desire to drink, and no real desire to eat. I'm in a foul, foul mood. Not exactly sure what's going on with that.
So. I'm grouchy. I'm jealous. I need to probably switch to the hard stuff.
Mid Morning Update
I am a little on the grouchy side. I think that almost a week of this weather has begun to wear on me. Or something like that.
I'm going to put on a bra and my tennis shoes (since I don't own snow boots) and take this doggie for a walk. Maybe that will help improve my mood because right now it's pretty crappy.
Extremely Early Morning Update
All of the Valentines except the boys are now done. I will put them in the mail tomorrow so you all will be able to enjoy them for several days before Valentines.
I was going to shell some pecans tonight, but I couldn't find the hammer. *sigh* I suppose tomorrow when I have more light, I'll look for it Without power, a chicken salad with pecans is sounding luscious. However, I need the shell the pecans before I can use them.
While I was charging the phone in the car, I heard about some of the controversy involving the woman who just had octuplets. What do you all think about that situation? It does seem that the doctor crossed some lines that shouldn't have been crossed. I heard an interview with one doctor said that their guidelines say only 2 embroyos per implantation. If that's what the guideline is, then how did 8 embroyos get implanted?
I have serious reservations about this case, if she's a single mother of six already. Although, I acknowledge that I believe that women should have control of their reproduction. If they want to be a mother, OK. So...I think yes, the doctor should have helped her. But if the guideline is 2, then there should have only been 2 embroyos implanted. I'm not sure that her having children already should have the choice to receive fertility treatments.
Some of the piece that I heard said that the family had fallen on hard times. I wonder if that means that they receive assistance? If so, then I have a problem with that. I believe that even poor people deserve the option to have children. But if it takes extraodinary means to have those chilren (i.e., fertility treatments) then I don't want to pay for that. I don't want to pay for someone to raise 14 children either, but...I really don't want to pay for someone's fertility treatments.
I'm kinda torn. I believe in reproductive choice. But. I don't want to pay to support someone else's choice...which is kinda like saying that you should only have kids if you make so much money or have insurance or whatever...which means that reproduction ceases to become a choice.
Difficult dilemma for me there.
Going to bed. Slightly grouchy right now.
January 30, 2009
Mid-Evening Update
Still no power. I went out for lunch again today. Not nearly as good. I also put myself in the cold shower and cleaned up. I've been sponging off (because some things must be washed every day...contrary to how others live, there are some aspects of modern life that are highly valued), but I really needed the whole nine yards. And it had been since Monday fo the hair washing. So...it needed to happen.
I tried to think of it like a dip in Crane Creek. Or Lake Tahoe. But I have to tell you, that didn't help. Fortunately, I'm the master of a fast shower, so I was only freezing for about 7 minutes. Considering all the hair I have, that's really, really good. I have very pretty hair today. Good grief. It's clean, though.
So, because I am without power, I have lots of time to think, and I'm thinking more about this whole self-esteem thing. It's a hard, hard journey, and I know that I should be more tolerant of others who are on it, but at the same time, if you're not willing to get honest about who and what you are...there's nothing to be tolerant of.
I was talking toa friend tonight, and we were talking about just accepting who and what we are...and what we're doing. There are a couple of things going on in my life right now that I'm not exactly proud of. But I'm not denying that I'm doing them. I'm a little confused on why I'm doing them, but if pressed, I'd own it. It would be painful for a couple of people in my life, I think, and because it would hurt them, it would hurt me. But I'm not denying it to myself.
The next steps, of course, are to elminate those things in my life that I'm not proud of. Take steps to resolve those problems. But. I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't want to resolve them. Yet. They're filling a need. And so far no one is getting hurt, although I know that can't go on forever. Hopefully I can grow a pair and do what needs to be done before it gets to that point.
In the meantime, though, I'm not bitching about it, trying to garner sympathy.
(contrary to what some folks might think, this is a place for me to work through my thoughts...not necessarily get input on them or to have other people feel sorry for me/worry about me)
Some of you may know that I have a few personality quirks. One of which is that if the trash can is full, then the trash needs to go out. Well. I've done a little cleaning this afternoon, which means the trash can was full. The trash had to go out. Even though it is freezing out there. I bundled up, put the doggie's sweater on her and headed out. Let me say that it's cold outside. And icy. It got warm enough for things to melt a little today (not a lot but a little), which means everything is a slick mess. On our way back from the dumpster, someone was out with their black lab (probably twice as big as Cob), and their black lab was not on a leash. Of course, the other dog makes a beeline for us, and in trying to control Cob and keep the other dog from her, I went down on the ice. I had my mittens on, so my hands are OK, but I hit my knees and fell back. It hurts. Stupid fucking idiots who don't control their animals as they should.
I'm off to work on Valentines.
January 29, 2009
Mid-Evening Update
There is still no power at my house. It's going to get really cold tonight, which is fine. The doggie is in her sweater, I'm bundled up in my sweats and yoga pants and long-sleeved t-shirts. I've even given in and put on a pair of socks. Thsoe of you who know me know what a big deal that is. I do not like for my toes to be confined. Period. So I'm warm...and will stay warm.
I went out today. Took myself to lunch and grabbed the last box of Valentine's at Barnes and Nobles. I need to finish writing those out tonight so that I can put them in the mail tomorrow. Leisure Lane has a slight hill as I'm coming out of the apartment complex. Lots of people were getting stuck on it. I did my best to just avoid it period it. I do OK in the snow...just drop the gear and give it gas when it needs it...but I didn't want to get caught up in someone else's stupidity.
Speaking of getting caught in someone else's stupidity...I have very little patience when it comes to someone else's insecurities. I have a few of my own insecurities. I work really hard to keep them in check. I've worked really, really hard to be this strong, self-assured woman. I know that everyone goes through their process at their own speed, but I don't have the desire to shepherd someone through it. Nor do I want to hear them whining about it in the meantime. The last two days, I've watched two women. So blind they cannot see. Unwilling to take a hard look in the mirror and be honest with themselves. That's the first step. Lie to other folks but don't ever lie to yourself.
It's a hard, hard thing to wrap your head around, but if you can't be honest with yourself about who and what you are, how do you ever expect to be honest with someone else? Or expect them to be honest with you in return? Own your shit.
*sigh*
Having said all that, that whole jealousy thing is killing me again tonight. I know it shouldn't be. But it is. I don't remember this with X. I don't remember it with Coach. I don't remember anything like this. And it tears me up. He is not mine. And even if he were mine, I'm not about dictating who he can talk to. When he was seeing someone else at the same time he was seeing me, I didn't feel this. What the hell is wrong with me?
Was I like this? Y'all have been reading a long time. You were here for all the shit with Coach. Was I jealous like this and have just blocked it out?
He's not mine, he's not mine, he's not mine.
But I really want him to be. I love him terribly, and I miss him awfully. It's funny, I think, that once I let myself admit what it was that I felt for him, it's kinda overwhelming. It's stupid really because I'm here, and he's there. There's not a lot of places for this relationship to go. Even though I know these things, it doesn't change how I feel about him. I wish I could just turn it off. Rationally I know why all of this is pointless. But it doesn't change it.
I sent him a text message last night that said I missed him and I wished he was here to wrap me up and make me feel safe. And that's true. I do wish he was here. Or I was there. Or whatever. I feel better when I can talk to him. My life is better when he's a part of it. I love him, and I'm not yet ready to be at the point where I can wish him well if wanting someone else is what's going to make him happy. Or rather I am, but I'm not happy about it.
Anyway. This is a lot for a crackberry, and I need to plug it in to charge. More tomorrow.
January 28, 2009
Early Evening Update
This is a new experience for me. I'm updating my webpage via my blackberry. It's not the easiest process but it works I suppose. I'm doing it via the blackberry because my power is out. It went out last night around 1 and it has yet to come back on. I was afraid it was going to happen earlier in the night. When I took the doggie out I could hear the trees snapping like rice crispies. The power flickered a few times
When it first appeared that the power was going to go, I gathered up all the supplies I could find. Got the flashlight out of the car, pulled down the extra quilts & blankets, found the taper candles. The tub is full of water just in case. This morning I put the perishables from the fridge in the cooler on the deck.
So far the doggie & I remain warm. Like I said, I pulled down the extra quilts & blankets which includes a down blanket, the heavy flannel quilts the Sner has made me, & several of Grandpa's wool army blankets. We'll be fine as far as staying warm. It's just...ugh.
We're out of school the rest of the week. I entertained the notion of going to Mississippi but I'd have to leave tonight in order to make it worth it. The roads headed south are going to be slick as hell & while I can drive on it, I don't want to. If they would have made the call earlier in the day, it would have been different. I could have left while the roads were just wet & not icy.
there's a chance of another storm coming in Sunday night/Monday. If that's right & we miss more school, then i'm going to be even more pissed that I didn't head south.
Ok...I need to go plug the crackberry into the GPS's car charger. I don't want to be without some sort of connection even though I'm having some problems with connectivity. Sometimes I can connect & sometimes I get text messages but lots of times neither of those things happen.
January 27, 2009
Early Evening Update
I didn't do a whole lot with my snow day. I got up and tok my doggie out, then I went back to bed. Slept until 10. Then I got up and didn't do much. Around two, I got out and de-iced the car. Took a long time as the sleet was coming down. I went into town...or just down the road, I suppose...and dropped a package off at the post office. Ran into Wal-Mart for a couple of things. Picked up some lunch.
Once I got out of this neighborhood, I didn't have a problem on the roads. They were slushy, and I was driving slowly. It wasn't too bad, though. It was so good that I briefly entertained the notion of being able to go to Lexington tonight. Then when I got home, I took the doggie out, and the rain turned into freezing rain. Poor little girl...she was sliding all around and couldn't get her traction. She kept breaking through the ice and was just panicked. Took her forever to pee and then she poo'd really fast. Couldn't get her back inside fast enough. It was actually kind of comical.
With the freezing rain, I decided that Lexington is definitely out of the question for tonight. I'm so very bummed. Dammit.
Early Morning Update
Last night I wrote about jealousy and biological clocks and praying for snow. If you're interested, you can read all about it here.
It's a snow day! Yay! I know that I'm going to have to make it up in June. I know that. But honestly, right now, I don't care. I really, really don't care. I'm going to write a little bit here for a minute, and then I'm going to go back to bed.
Right here at the house, we have about two inches of snow, and it has a thin layer of ice of it. When I took Cob out earlier, she did not sink through the snow. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it, and poor, sweet little girl wasn't quite sure what to make of it. I might take her to the park a little later. The snow is supposed to keep coming down all day with a break later in the afternoon before starting up again later this afternoon.
That forecast puts my trip to see Alejandro Escovedo in jeopardy. I'm thinking that I probably will not be making the trip to see him, which makes me sad. I'd really like to go but at the same time, that's a long drive on bad roads. Right now the freeways are still snow-covered. That does not make me hopeful for the evening.
I'm kinda hungry right now. Thinking about making some pancakes when I get up again later. Let me emphasize later. My doggie has been fed, and she's curled up on my feet.
Today I think I'm going to finish putting my Valentine's together, package the bourbon for Pappy, get some late Christmas pressies together...and then grade some papers. Ughhh. Papers. Gross.
Late Evening Update
Last night I wrote about abandonment issues and safe harbor. Just a bunch of babble, really, but if you're interested, you can find it all right here.
Currently I am waiting on the snow to start. They're saying that it should get here around midnight. And that we should be prepared for 4-6 inches by the time it's all said and done on Wednesday. I realized that I don't have any gloves quite awhile ago, and I looked for a pair on a couple of different occasions. The problem was that I didn't want those stretchy mini things, and I wasn't willing to pay $20 for a pair of gloves. Even though it's only the end of January, apparently I have waited too long to purchase gloves. I went by Target this afternoon and there were just a few pairs of gloves and mittens on clearance. I picked up a pair of black mittens (I can't remember the last time I wore mittens) for $1.50. I suppose I'll continue to look for some decent gloves on clearance in places like Sears and TJ Maxx. For now, the mittens should be OK, and I can be all old-school retro.
With the coming weather, I've been seizurey all day long. The shift in the barometric pressure really does a number on me, and it's only something that I've recently figured out. Can't believe I never noticed it before. All day long I couldn't concentrate. Couldn't hold a thought in my head for more than two seconds. Couldn't even walk straight for some of it. I was supposed to go to a meeting for three hours tonight but I dropped my colleague off and made my way home to my bed. I'm feeling a little better now, but I'm still floating a bit in the ether.
Just redid my fingernails. I was a little irritated with the process this last time I went. The guy was really aggressive with my cuticles, but today I had the most horrible hangnail. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I also wasn't really happy with the job he did with the polish. It was chipped that night. So...I reapplied tonight. In a minute I'll be looking for my top coat.
Funny. I'm listening to a friend give his two boys baths. We've been talking about hygiene habits. He's pretty adamant that folks should wash their asses every day. I tend to agree. "If you don't wash your butt, y'all we're gonna have problems up in here." Heh. It almost makes me wish I had a small fuzz.
Have I mentioned that the biological clock has started to tick? It has. *sigh* It's kinda muffled still, like the heart at the beginning of The TellTale Heart, but it's doing it. In order to have babies, I've got to get the rest of my life figured out. And find a suitable father. *sigh* And really, while that's a nice thought, it really does sound too much like work for me right now.
I'm having a martini. In the hopes that I will wake up, check the news, and find that I don't have to go to school tomorrow. Still waiting on the snow. It isn't here yet. Or at least I don't think it's here yet. Perhaps I need to take the doggie out and investigate. I do need to take the trash out. It kills me to have a full trash can. OK. I'm gonna go take care of that now.
Be right back.
It was cold outside, but I was just cold. Not wet. I'm still waiting for the snow. According to my forecast fox, it's supposed to start around 1:00. I really, really hope we don't have to go to school tomorrow.
I've just been reminded that I need to send a note to a friend.
Can I confess right now that I've been bitten by the jealousy bug when it comes to the boy? It kills me that I'm jealous because I'm pretty sure that there's no possibility there, but really. What I want to do is scratch her eyes out. I don't even know her. But she pisses me off. *sigh* I can't remember the last time I was jealous. When X left me for a woman with my name who looked like me, I wasn't jealous. I wasn't even really jealous of Coach's wife. But I'm jealous of this stupid woman. *sigh* What the hell is wrong with me? Does that mean I care about the boy more than I cared about Coach? How can that be?
It's funny, I think, that I sent the boy a message telling him I was grouchy and feeling jealous. He asked me if I was jealous of a specific person, and I was honest with him. Yes. Yes. I'm jealous of *her*. He called. And we talked for a little while. He told me that it was OK for me to scratch her eyes out if that's what I wanted to do. Which is really, really what I want to do. I feel better, even though I didn't have a right to be jealous in the first place. But dammit. I still am. Seriously...I'd like to think that if I met her in a dark alley, I'd fuck her up. Even though I know that I really wouldn't because that's not me. The boy told me, though, that I could if I wanted to...it wouldn't bother him at all. I told him he'd have to give me some lessons first as I've never been in a fight before.
When we talked, he told me that I'm very important to him and that he doesn't want me to expend energy on something I don't need to even think about. That since the last time we were together, there's only been me...and he only wants me. Have I mentioned before that I'm pretty sure that I love him? Lord. Help me.
Is this the time to say that my colleague's cousin was in town, and he told her he'd like to see me again? Except she didn't have my number saved in her phone? *sigh*
Still waiting on the snow, but the freezing rain has arrived. I've had a big ol' martini (or two) and I should really go to bed. I'm hoping, though, that they're going to cancel school tomorrow. That's why I'm still up. & it's why I had martinis so late in the evening.
OK. I need to go to bed. It's really, really late, and I'm probably going to have to go to work in the morning. Good thing that I washed my hair this morning so that I don't have to do it again in a few short hours.
I so need to go to bed. I'm going to have to be up in less than four hours. God that sucks. Dammit.
Late Evening Update
I meant to write Friday night, and I meant to write last night. Just never got around to it for some reason. Last night I wasn't good company for myself, so I doubt I would have been good for much here.
It's funny how quickly a mood can sour. I'm not sure what was going on. I left the house happy and made my way across town for some shopping. I was picking out things to send to friends for Valentines Day and looking at cards. Found what I think are some cute little gifts that will get sent out, and then I found the perfect card for the boy. Another perfect card for the other boy.
And then it hit me: I don't like Valentines Day. Why am I doing this? For people who don't even really care? *sigh* I've already got the stuff, though, so I'm going to go ahead and make sure that it gets sent out to brighten someone's day.
We didn't go for our hike/picnic because it was cold this weekend. We could have probably still made it on Saturday as the temperature was near forty, but I was busy out doing whatever it was that I was doing.
In my angsty mood, I came home planning to get trashed. Opened a bottle of wine (thank goodness it was white) and promptly spilled it all over. *sigh* As I was drinking, I wasn't feeling it. This is why I don't make a good alcoholic: I had to remind myself to pick up the glass and drink. Pretty pathetic, I guess.
It's Sunday night, and the anxiety is setting in again. I suppose that means I'll take a Xanex here in a minute and take myself off to bed. First I'm going to make some Gatorade because I'm thirsty as all hell.
In the meantime, though, there are a few things that I had wanted to talk about, and I suppose that now is as good of a time as any to get it done.
So, one of the things I wanted to talk about was safe harbor and what that means to us. Who or what is your safe harbor? We were in a meeting on Thursday, and they kept telling us that we were in a "safe harbor", so it got me thinking. Cognitively I suppose I know that there are any number of people out there in the world who could or would be safe harbor for me. The thing is that I'm afraid to let them be that fully. There are many people in this world who have pieces of me, who know little bits of the whole, or who even know lots of bits of the whole, but there's no one out there that knows all of it.
I used to hear folks discussing abandonment issues, and kinda of just chalk it up to to someone looking for something to blame an unsatisfactory outcome in their lives on. But the more I think about it and the more I learn about it, I can see where it comes in to play. I can never really trust that people aren't going to leave me. That I trust them with the darkest parts of myself and then they make a judgment or disappear. The thought that they might not be willing to hang with all of the things that are really me.
I suppose it's a stupid thing to fear because there are people in my life who have been there through some pretty hard things. And they're still here. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm just one revelation away from being alone.
As for places that I consider safe harbor...I'm not really sure. I suppose I'd consider Gumbo Acres pretty close to it. And going to Cari's feels pretty safe too. I think it's been so long since I went anywhere else that I can't say anything about them. The car feels pretty much like safe harbor because I do a whole lot of my best thinking when I'm in the car.
I don't know. I can't quite get it together, which is really nothing unusual in my life.
I also wanted to think about that poem from the inauguration, but I don't think that I'm going to make it through enough to think coherently about it.
I just joined the health plans program for improving health in the next year. I think the real challenge for me is to get moving. I was doing really well when I first moved here. Really, really well. With it being colder and getting darker earlier, it's harder to get out and get moving in the afternoons. Forget about getting up in the morning.
I'm thinking about driving to Lexington Tuesday night to see Alejandro Escovedo in concert. It's a little over an hour away, and the tickets are only $20. The only problem is that it's supposed to be very icky weather Tuesday night. Freezing rain and sleet. The only saving grace is that it's an early show. Supposed to start at 8:00. That means I could be home by midnight. And if the weather is as bad as they say it's supposed to be, I could be at home on Wednesday anyway. On Saturday Feb 7, JJ Gray and Mofro will be playing the same venue. Think I'm definitely probably going to that show. For $18, how can you beat it?
Anyway. I need to go to bed. I should have taken a pill a long time ago because right now I don't feel like I'm ever going to go to sleep.
Late Evening Update
I had a tad bit of a pity party yesterday, and you can find it right here.
Today was a strange day. I felt the anxiety keenly, although I don't know if I had a real reason to. There were conversations with the DDH. And they were OK. Things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, but they were OK. Exceedingly polite and frigid, but they were OK.
I've been thinking this evening about safe harbor. It was a term used repeatedly in a meeting this afternoon, and I can't get it out of my head. Where is your safe harbor? Who is your safe harbor? I was gonna write about it, but I think I'm going to wait until this weekend. Along with lots of other things.
I need to go to bed right now. I'm kinda grouchy due to the thoughts I've been thinking this evening.
I think this weekend, the doggie and I are going to head to a research forest and hang out with the camera and a picnic. Do a little hiking. I dunno.
Late Evening Update
Yesterday's thoughts about the inauguration.
I am tired tonight. I stayed in the bed forever this morning. So long that I didn't have time to wash my hair, which I feel a little bad about because I had an appointment to get my hair done this evening. But. When you're snug up in the bed, you're snug up in the bed.
Got my hair done this evening. It's OK. I don't have highlights. I have my roots the same color as the rest of my hair. That's a good thing. It's not the bright red that it was when Doug did it because she just did the roots and not an all-over color. I guess maybe next time I'll let her do the roots and maybe put some of those red highlights in there. She said that she managed to cover entirely my white spot in the back. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it will wash out.
It was a long day at work today, although I suppose a somewhat productive one. I got most of the damn folders done. I also got wind that I am again being set up for failure. I'm kinda pissed off about it, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to meet this new challenge. I don't know how to fix this situation. I mean...when a kid can't recognize the letter "m" and know what it sounds like, after having worked individually with a special education teacher for two months, what the hell am I supposed to do about that?
*sigh*
So, driving across the bridge into Indiana to get my hair done, there was a billboard with a marriage proposal. "Jen, will you marry me?" I didn't even notice the "Jen" part at first; I thought it said "Jill". And then I thought, there's never going to be someone who is going to want to do something like that for me. There's never going to be someone who is going to want to make that kind of public declaration for me. I'm pretty sure that I never want to be married--all of my issues dealing with control and abandonment--but I do want someone to want me like that. And I don't know that's something that will ever happen. I kinda feel like if it hasn't by now, then perhaps it's not. I know what people say about it'll come, but I also know great women who have been alone all of their lives. So. I'm not at all confident that it's ever going to be more and the doggie (when the cats go, I'm not replacing them. Love them dearly, but. Just my doggie please). Just a little twinge of something akin to regret and loss.
I should be responding to some papers. I'm going to get to work on it this weekend. It feels like tomorrow should be Friday. I don't know. For being a short week, it sure has drug itself on. I guess because of the stress. Which reminds me...I gotta call the doctor. I meant to do it this week, but I've been busy thus far.
I'm tired. Going to go to bed. Because I'm tired.
Late Evening Update
I don't really remember what I wrote last night, but you can find it here if you're interested.
We have a new President. It's official, and he is now in office. I watched the inauguration with some teachers. They were talking and making lots of noise. I wanted to observe the moment with the solemnity that it seemed to deserve. Even with the distractions, it was a moving experience. I have watched other inaugurations and felt the same. I don't think it was any more "historic" feeling than other inaugurations. The pageantry of the ceremony is stirring. I don't care how you feel about any of the people on the platform, but as the invocation is read, and the musical interludes happen, and oaths are taken, I defy there to not be gooseflesh rise on your arms.
People have said before that it is amazing that we transfer power so effortlessly and smoothly. I suppose that is partly true, but more than that, it seems that as cynical as some of us become, this moment is reaffirmation of the process that created this place that allows us the freedom to be our best selves. We might not take advantage of it all, but it is available to us. With all of our struggles and difficulties, this is still a mighty place in which to live.
My perspective is limited as I haven't been outside of our borders, but I can't imagine somewhere else I'd like to live. I'd be happy to visit elsewhere...and maybe even stay awhile...but this is my home, and it is a good place to live. Things like today's pomp and circumstance affirm that.
I did not care for the invocation. Rick Warren is not my kind of pastor, but I felt that he was attempting to strike the right tone, to set things in the right light. The occasion has such weight, though, that I think he felt short, and given the momentousness of the situation, it might have been better to harken back to the civil rights era, as he did with the benediction and Joseph Lowery.
Obama's speech...I felt that it too fell short of the mark. Given that everyone expects this lofty oratory from him, I was wanting that. I was expecting inspiration, and I got that every now and again...particulary at the end. But overall, it was much more...weighty...than I expected. I was disappointed, but I begin to believe that's the desired effect. There is so much hype and anticipation for the Obama presidency, and he's been trying to lower the bar for quite awhile. I kinda believe that this speech about hard work and sacrifice, delivered with solemnity and seriousness, is about hunkering down and getting ready to face what it to come.
I suppose that's one way to look at it. I don't know if that's the way I want to look at it, but it helps ameliorate some of my disappointment.
And the poem. Shish. I say that even though as I read the poem, I really, really like it. In keeping with the idea that we're all going to have to hunker down and do the work that our forefathers and mothers did, the poem gives us a picture of that happening. Ordinary people, doing ordinary things, going about their day, doing their jobs, tending to the things that need to be tended to. I particularly love the parts of it that are about love:
What if the mightiest word is love?
Love beyond marital, filial, national,
love that casts a widening pool of light,
love with no need to pre-empt grievance.
What *if* the mightiest word is love? And we're supposed to be basking in the glow that is love? What if that is what our purpose on this earth is really about? And how many of us are living in the light of that purpose?
To get back to my commentary, though...as much as I liked it, the poet did not know how to read poetry. She was monotonous and plodding. When there were questions to be asked, you could not tell it from her voice. You could feel no emotion welling in her, no stirring of the soul, no creation of a picture, nothing to reach out and grab us. As I've been helping teachers teach poetry in the recent days, one of the things I've talked to them about repeatedly is the need to read those poems aloud to their students and to bring the feeling to bear in their reading. Poetry is supposed to be intense, distilled, emotionally loaded (at times) language and Alexander effectively stripped her words of that emotion. Perhaps she was nervous. Perhaps she wanted to convey that--the dullness of every day life--but within that dullness, within the prosaic, there is beauty and life Passion. I can feel it in her words, but I did not hear it in her voice.
I'm going to want to come back to this idea of love. If I haven't made it by this weekend, someone please, please remind me.
I felt like the benediction was perhaps the best part of the whole ceremony. I felt like, finally! I got what I wanted to hear! The lines at the end were a little on the cheesy side, but it fit. Even though it was cheesy. In the shadow of Martin Luther King Jr. Day and being reminded of his assignation, to have Dr. Joseph Lowery there, on the stage, his hair white, his voice at times shakey and reedy...was a tangible reminder of just exactly how far we have come, but yet how far we have to go.
We have a new President. I wish him peace and wisdom in the days that come.
In other news, I think I have a piercing that is rejecting. It hurts. It doesn't look like it's moved, but it's hurting. It could just be that there is some infection in there, which I suppose means I should probably see about doing some saline soaks. See if that helps it at all.
I've been getting text messages from boys this evening. For the most part, I find them annoying. Because there is only one boy I want to hear from. There is only one boy I want to be communicating with. It's not that I don't appreciate the efforts of the other boys (although one does annoy me greatly). It's just that they aren't exactly who I want. The one that I do want is hurting right now, I think. I wish I could help him. Because I'm one of those care-taker types but also because I care deeply about him. I hate that he's struggling and hurting.
I'm getting my hair done tomorrow afternoon. I'm hoping that it goes better than it did last time. I put pictures on my Ipod so I can show the lady what I want my hair to look like. I want it to look like it did after Doug did it. I don't hold out a lot of hope that it will, but I'm prepared. Hopefully.
I sorta have a black eye. Not quite sure what's going on with that, but it hurts. Big ol' splotch above my left eye. Don't know where it came from, but it hurts and looks bad.
Late Evening Update
Last night's rather uninteresting update can be found here.
I've been reading some comments about the inauguration of Obama and the Martin Luther King Jr holiday as well, and I have to say that I'm disgusted. It's not surprising, I guess; I lived in the deep south for four years. I should be used to the kind of rhetoric (I don't know if rhetoric is the right word). It still amazing me, though, that people are willing to put themselves out there as the racist idiots that they are...and then get pissed off when someone calls them on their racism.
I am weary of people saying that they're tired of the race card being played (whatever that means) when they're the first one to throw it out there...usually because they're bitching about it. It's only been 50 years since the civil rights movement really geared up. It's been 30 years since the process of integrating the schools began (and it can be argued that has not truly happened, despite best efforts). The road has been hard and much progress has been made, but comparatively speaking, it's been a short road. And just because people are uncomfortable doesn't mean that it's time to stop the work that needs to be done.
Grrr. It just pisses me off.
Took my sweet doggie over to a colleagues to play with her doggie while we were working on lesson plans. I'm afraid that Cob may have pooed in her house because we went out three times this evening and still no poo. I went ahead and fed her because she needed it after having played hard for the afternoon. Maybe it's the snow that has her off her game.
Have to remember to take one day at a time, like Beth said. I'm starting to feel a little anxious about tomorrow. Which reminds me that I need to call tomorrow and reschedule my doctor's appointment. I also need to get to bed. I have to get up early so I can finish pulling together these video clips for my colleague. *sigh* And do some more work with spreadsheets.
Going to bed now. I wish there was a boy here to snuggle up with.
Late Evening Update
The last time I wrote can be found here.
I don't quite know why I haven't been writing much. One of my resolutions for this year was to do more meaningful writing. I haven't gotten to that yet. I don't know how meaningful tonight's writing is going to be. I'm tired. And I have a bottle of wine to finish.
It's been a long day. I went to Columbus, OH to visit a friend. It's 225 miles one way, which is OK. I needed to drive a little. Gives me an opportunity to think. Plus I wanted to go to Trader Joes. I'm stocked up on things. Got some coffee to send to the boy for Valentine's Day. Hope he likes it. For the price, I don't really care if he does or not.
The sushi was really good. I had a luscious soft shell crab handroll. So yummy. The eel & cucumber roll was OK. I wish it had avocado in it. But...it was all good. And it was the least expensive sushi I've had since leaving Reno. The company was good too. We had some very wide-ranging conversations. Some that I want to get into here, but I think I'm too tired tonight.
It snowed from about noon on. The last 25 miles were almost white-out. As I was coming through the park, I was fish-tailing. Since it was just me, I wasn't scared. Just coming home to let my poor puppy out.
I didn't crate her when I left this morning. She did really well. It was about 11 hours that I was gone, which she can handle, but her dinner was pretty late. Poor doggie. Smart doggie, too. Friday night I told her that she was stinky and I needed to give her a bath. Ten minutes later, I went to the bathroom to find her sitting in the bathtub, just waiting for me. I went ahead and gave her a bath. Since she was there and all.
I have to get up early tomorrow so I can go write lesson plans with two of my eighth grade teachers. That means that of my three day weekend, I wn't have slept in at all. Saturday I was up early to take the car in; today I was up early to go to Ohio.
Speaking of the car, the guy behind the counter told me that the problem with the air filter bolts was that they aren't supposed to be removed with a screwdriver. I'm supposed to use a socket. He was going to charge me $32 to change the air filter, but because they didn't have the air filter in stock, they just used mine and charged me $10. Now I need to check and see if I have a 10 mm socket. I know I have some sockets in my tool bag, but I don't know if I actually have a socket wrench.
Have we talked about how pale I am? I got my nails done on Saturday, and as the guy was doing the pathetic massage, I noticed that my forearms almost looked bruised. I could see my veins, but it was also spreading out from the veins. My forearms literally looked like they were a mass of bruises. Doesn't look quite so bad now. As I was looking at it, though, I thought to myself...huh. My skin has an olive tint to it. Here I always thought I was a fair skinned, pink-tinged girl. At least that's what my cheeks look like.
I talked to the boy the other night. He called to check on me. I was ridiculously happy to hear his voice. Stupid. I had this overwhelming urge to tell him I lvoed him because that's the sort of conversation it felt like, but I didn't. I think he knows. And if he doesn't, I don't know how willing I am to make myself that vulnerable. He's been working a lot, and I worry about him. I know I probably shouldn't, but that's what I do.
*sigh*
Anyone watching Rock of Love Bus? I find it interesting that most of the girls have these incredibly huge tits (incredibly huge) and blonde hair. What the hell? If you want a stripper, then why go through this whole process? Just go to the club.
I was thinking some morose thoughts on the way home. Made me pretty sad. Some times I get into these stange funks and my mind is off thinking about awful things.
Late Evening Update
The non-update from a couple of days ago can be found here.
It's been an incredibly rough week. I broke down and cried at work yesterday, and then spent the day trying to see through my tear fogged contacts. Last night I attended my training, and then came home, took a valium, had a bourbon and sprite, and then went to bed. It's amazing how effective that is. Today I walked around on eggshells, frightened and worried about what was coming next.
I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon to give him the rest of those pills that make me feel like my body is moving around in its skin. I forgot my wallet, though, and there were no checks in my checkbook, so I didn't have the money for the co-pay. The stupid thing was that I reminded myself that I needed to take my wallet. I grabbed my make-up, and put it in my bag, but I forgot my freakin' wallet. Suck, suck, suck.
I will call and reschedule that appointment tomorrow.
I have to invest in a bigger purse. I hate carrying a purse, which is why I stick with the small ones, but the last couple of days have shown me the value of having one that can hold all the things you might possibly need. Guess that means this weekend, in addition to shopping for bowls and something else that I can't remember right this minute, I need to search for the huge purse.
It's cold. I mean, really cold. My forecast fox says that it's 8 degrees outside right now, it's supposed to go to almost zero tonight, and the high tomorrow will be 15. The doggie just decided that she needed to go out. I've got to get some slip-on shoes. It's too cold for me to go out in flip flops, and I don't want to lace up some shoes for a 30 second tee-tee.
I think I'm going to either Cincinnati or Columbus this weekend. Just to get away. I have a friend who lives in Columbus. We could go to lunch. It would be a long day, and I'd have to be back in time to let my poor poochie out. She can go 13 hours, but I don't like doing that to her. I need to remember to put her bed in her crate so she's not on the cold plastic. And it's too cold to take her with me.
I should have been working on a report this evening. I'll get it taken care of tomorrow.
My house is filthy. I haven't vacuumed since I came home, and that means that there's dog hair all over the place. I will take care of that tomorrow. I would do it right now, but it's almost 11 at night, and I have neighbors to think about.
I put a note on a neighbor's door yesterday morning. I've heard him yelling at his kids about not doing their reading homework. I'v listened to his television programs. But the straw was listening to Pantera until 1 in the morning. So. I put a note on his door that said that perhaps he didn't realize how thin the walls were and how little sound-proofing there was. There's supposed to be a number that I can call and the courtesy guard will come investigate. I don't know what the number is, though. I suppose I should call and find out. *sigh*
In all of the stress of the last couple of days in particular, I've been wishing there was someone here with me. Someone boy-type body. There are lots of times that I wish there was a boy here to snuggle up with on the couch and watch movies or something, but when I'm that upset, I just want someone solid. Not to talk to me or offer me platitudes about one day at a time or anything like that, but rather to just anchor me through it. If that makes sense. I am often OK with being alone. There are just times when it's harder than others.
I need some hot chocoloate with a little something added to it. I think that will help me get ready for bed. I actually feel like I need something decadent and chocolately. It could be that I'm PMSy. Or something like that.
Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go to a LWP mixer. I suppose it's time I connect with those folks. I didn't get comfortable with Hattiesburg until I hooked up with writing project folk. I wouldn't have found the MS family without the writing project. I've been thinking that I needed to do it, but I haven't had the chance or the inclination. I'll do it tomorrow night, though. Then I'll come home and get toasted. I know they're going to ask me if I want to apply for the summer institute. I've been through four institutes, I think. I don't know if I want to do it again, but it would be free credits. I've got 12 hanging out there right now. Another six and that's almost a master's degree. Isn't it?
Valentine's cards go out this weekend. Guess that means I need to write them out, huh? Did I tell you I picked up some interesting ones? Pretty. Fairly cheap at Barnes & Noble too. So. I need to get them done this weekend. On top of other things.
I've long been promising to post a pictures of my new tattoo. Here's one for you. Sorry it's taken so long. Maybe this weekend I'll be get Christmas pictures up.
Late Evening Update
Yesterday's news about trying to find a hotel is here.
It was another gross day at the ranch. I need to have a serious conversation with my boss, but the problem becomes trying to figure out how to frame it. I'm pissed off about the way that I was talked to, but it's more than that. I need to keep it in the terms of the "more than that". The problem is to keep it such without letting emotions get the better of me. And I need to make sure that I have my side of the fence taken care of.
OK. I need to get to work. I might be back later. But probably not. Sorry. I'm drained.
Late Evening Update
I've spent most of the evening looking for an affordable, safe hotel in Washington DC. That's much more difficult than you would expect. Or than I expected. I see something that looks decent, and then I start reading reviews of it. Holy hell. Prostitutes. Drug dealers. Vehicle vandalism. Bugs. Dirty sheets. So. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm watching a couple of thigns on HotWire, but it makes me nervous that I don't know what the property is when I pay for it. considering that I've read some gawd awful reviews of name properties, I don't know if I want to fork over $500-600 and not know where I'm going to be.
If anyone out there would like to do some searching for me, feel free. I'd prefer around $100/night.
Work was shitty. I'm thinking that's a state of being for the place now. It sucks that it's like that because it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be that way at all, but they've made it into this awful power struggle. I had a discussion with my union building rep today, and after Friday, the union reps may be involved. I decided this afternoon that if I'm going down, I'm going to do my damnedest to take someone else with me. I'm tired of being treated like shit, and I've decided to quit being nice about things. If my feet are being held to the fire, theirs will be as well.
I also called and made an appointment with the doctor to talk about my anti-anxiety meds. I needed a pill at 8 this morning after the ambush. I hadn't brought it with me, though. I need to talk to him about the skin moving thing. Hopefully he'll give me the ones I want. I don't want to be dependent upon a pill, but at the same time, the whole thing is killing me. The stress isn't good for my blood pressure.
I'm not sure what else to talk about tonight. I need to get to bed because there's a lot to be done tomorrow. I've done a little procrastination because that's my style, but it's nothing that I can't handle for tomorrow.
Might have found a hotel. Maybe.
Morning Update
Last night's ramble can be found here. Hopefully I've got this figured out again.
I'm a little anxious about going to work this morning. I wish I weren't, but there it is. I'm anxious. I was anxious before I went to bed last night. I have my bottle of pills in my purse, and I'll take them if I need to. But. I'd rather not. It's tempting to put a little something in my coffee, but I'm too much of a chicken to ever do anything like that.
I've got to get my hair done. My roots are about to be out of control. *sigh* I have a picture of my with my cute hair on my phone. You think if I tell the girl that I want my hair to look like that again, she can make it happen?
It's hard being a chick. Apparently the boy got roped into helping his roommate with her highlights. That cracks me up.
Time to pack up and head out. I've already got the car warming up. That reminds me, I need to bring the GPS in so that it doesn't get stolen. That would suck, wouldn't it? *sigh*
Evening Update
I found my copy of Macromedia Studio, so I can update from my computer rather than doing it online. I know that doesn't mean much to y'all, but it means that things are much easier for me. I can do some photo stuff, so expect that in the coming days. Maybe this coming weekend. Maybe. I don't make any promises. It's an older version of the program, so there's a little to get used to again. It's better than the web update, though.
I'm waiting on the laundry, specifically the sheets, so that means I have a little time to write. I don't know if I will write much--there's a lot working on my mind right now--but I have a little bit of time. I should be entering data or working on my dissertation. Not writing.
I figured out the Ipod situation! Yay me! I've gotten everything off my Ipod and on to the computer. From there it was back on to my Ipod. Pretty cool. I'm impressed with myself. The only thing that is missing is a couple of cds that I'd downloaded for Matt when he was here. I have one of them that I'd burned and it's here, but the other is just gone. As are some of the cds of his that I'd ripped into my Itunes but hadn't had a chance to synch yet. It sucks.
My spring break trip is coming together. I bought Matt's plane ticket last night. (He's paying me back, but since I'm making the arrangements, it was easier for me to do it. Plus I got a really good deal through priceline. And I know that he's good for it. I know where he lives and his momma would kick his ass) We're going to have such a good time! He told me he wanted to see the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, so I need to add that to our list of things to do. Everything is coming together, but I've got to find a hotel room. I don't want to pay more than about $90/night, and that's going to be very difficult. What I've found so far is pretty sketchy, and even though Matt will be with me...that makes me nervous. I'm hoping that I can turn something up here pretty soon. I know spring break isn't until the end of March, but I'd like to have a lot of it wrapped up.
I made a beef stew last night. Put it in the crockpot and just let it go to town. Turned out pretty good. I'm going to be eating beef stew for lunch and dinner for the next week. That's OK, though. I can handle that. It's cheap enough.
I did some shopping yesterday. I was anticipating that there would be better sales at Macy's than there were. As it was, I picked up two things...a sweater and a long-sleeved blouse. $20. The deal of the day, though, was my boots. Since I gave away my after-Thanksgiving boots because my feets have shrunk, I needed some new boots. I found 3 pairs at Shoe Carnival for $35. Two of them are the same boots...just black and brown versions. They were on clearance for $10 each. The other pair was a Liz Clairborne pair for $15. Hopefully my feets won't be shrinking any time soon and I'll get to keep these shoes. That would be nice, wouldn't it?
Friday night, I went Indianapolis to hang out with my friend's husband. He was there for a trade show. Driving to Indy from here is like driving to New Orleans from Hattiesburg. I wish I hadn't been having drinks with friends right after school because then I could have stopped at Trader Joes. Maybe I'll drive up there this weekend. At any rate, Johnny and I had a good time. We hung out at the his hotel bar for awhile and then we walked across the way to Ike and Jonesey's. It's like a 50's diner themed place, but the music was awesome. Great 80s dance tunes. I mean GREAT! I was gettin' my groove on. There wasn't anywhere to sit because it was so packed in there. I don't know how much fun Johnny was having, but I could have probably stayed there all night. Heh.
But we moved on to The Slippery Noodle. We met up with a couple of Johnny's friends, one of whom is a real estate agent in Panama Beach? I'd joked with Johnny that I'd be willing to trade a blowjob for a week on the beach in a condo, but when it actually comes down to it...nice enough guy. Truly. But when Johnny's back was turned, the guy had his tongue down my throat. For a surprise attack kiss, I suppose it was OK. I just wasn't at all prepared for it. Slippery Noodle was supposedly a brothel back in the day and is one of Rolling Stones top 10 live blues clubs in the country. Who knew?
I think I left there around 2:00 in the morning. It's always a long ride home when you've been drinking (although I quit in time to be OK to drive) and you're tired. There wasn't anyone to talk to me on the way home. Plus my battery was not doing so hot. I've got to get a car charger for my phone. The battery life on the blackberry sucks, so by the end of a day, my battery is almost dead.
I should have a bunch of things to talk to you about, but I don't know where to start since it's been so very long that I've written much of substance here. I did a whole bunch of writing on Friday. A ton. Pages and pages and pages of it in my writer's notebook. I don't know how much of it will ever see the light of day here. Mostly about the boys in my life and the mess I could be making of things.
Today I've been thinking about love and what it means to love someone...as they are. Their flaws and all the things about them that you don't like. Do you love the person that they really are? Or do you love the person you wish they were and tolerate the person that they really are? Now that I've accepted that I love the boy, I've worked really hard to think about who he really is and loving him even when it's hard because he is who he is. And with this other boy...while I can't say that I love him, but I can see that potential. And there are things about him too. But.
The boy said he doesn't read here anymore, and I haven't seen his IP in a long time, so I tend to believe that. He said it was a little voyeuristic for him. I wonder when he came to that point? Was it when he was reading about how badly he hurt me? Or was it reading about a close relationship with another man? Or potential other men in my life? I don't know. Whatever makes him happy, I guess.
I need to go to bed, even though I'm very anxious about tomorrow morning. I've had my cocktail, and I'm considering half a pill, although I think it's a little late in the evening for that. Whatever. I need to drink some water and put the sheets on the bed (still waiting for them to dry...my dryer is the worst ever)
January 7, 2009
Evening Update
I've been terribly ill the last two days. I was feeling it a little bit on Monday when I was at work. A little light-headed. Came home and took a nap. Got up and couldn't get warm. Plus I ached. I felt like an 80 year old woman. Laid down in the bed and woke up, still freezing, with the sheets soaked because I'd been sweating. Put the linens in the wash and made my way to the living room. I was awake about 6 hours in a 36 hour period. Feeling better now, but I think I've hurt my back bringing that awful box of books into the house. *sigh*
Got my guide books for Washington DC. I'm so excited about this trip! Gonna have a blast. I've found a hotel in Maryland (blocks from a Metro station) for $70/night. Split that between the two of us and it won't be too bad. I think I'm going to take my picnic backpack so that lunches can be done pretty inexpensively. Breakfast stuff brought with will mean that we just have dinner and drink expenses. Most of the things I want to see are free, although I do want to do the Moonlight Monuments tour, which is a little pricey. Although not too bad. So much to do! And then there's Baltimore right there too. I'm so very excited. Have I mentioned that? I am a little pissed off that we won't be able to do a White House tour because you have to have a group of 10. What's up with that? Grrrrr...
I don't know if I have a lot to say tonight. I need to get to bed so I can get up early. Lots to do. *sigh*
January 3, 2009
Morning Update
I go home tomorrow. I don't want to. There's still so much that I have to get done. Gawd I'm a slacker. This is something I know but right this minute, do you see me doing anything about it? Nope. *sigh*
So, had to have the SIM card in my phone replaced yesterday. They couldn't get it to read so while all of my numbers are on my phone, they are not on my SIM card. Going to have to fix that soon. That would be tragic to lose everything. While the phone is working, my internet access on it is not. That's not a good thing because while I don't need the internet access, I'm paying for it. Which means it needs to be there.
Some girlies came out last and we played in make-up. Or rather Tina played in make-up and applied it to all of us. We then went out. Headed first to Ropers, which is a place I don't like. Then we met Matt at the Mag. Kinda funny when I was telling my sheriff's deputy friend that's where we were headed to. He was like, "Where? Where are you? Where on 49 are you? You know, we had a nice stabbin' in there two nights ago." I don't know if the boy was all that impressed either. He said that as he's had to arrest quite a few folk from out of there, he is persona non grata. We were there with Matt so it was OK. Cleanest bar bathroom I think I've ever been in. There was almost a fight at the end of the night over karaoke. Apparently one guy wanted to sing and Ray (karaoke gatekeeper) said no. The next thing I knew, there was talk of stomping asses and all kinds of nonsense. Dawn, Matt's little friend Dawn, diffused the situation. I'm not good with that kind of confrontation. Ugh.
Now that you've been updated on the evening, I suppose that means I have no excuse to not get my ass in gear and get this work done. Or at least started (actually...done).
January 2, 2009
Morning Update
I apparently forgot to set the alarm last night. *sigh* Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day, I think. And I'm going to have to leave here early on Sunday so I can get home in time to continue working. I know, I know, I know. Slacker weasel. That's me. Do we really expect much different from me, though?
My phone is not working right this minute. It's giving me a "SIM Card Error". That irritates me. That means there's a problem with AT&T. Who knows how long it's going to take to get it fixed. Good thing I already know what some of my plans for the day are. *sigh*
Speaking of which...I've got to get in the shower and get this hair under control. When you pack for a two week excursion, you try to keep things simple. Or at least I do. So, you evaluate the things you're going to bring and whether you really need to bring all of them or not. I decided that I didn't need to bring my hair dryer with the diffuser since I'd mainly been straightening my hair lately. *sigh* Well....it's rainy and damp outside, which means this is a perfect day to go with the wavy look that my hair some times does nicely. Except not so much today because I left the hair dryer at home. *sigh*
Going to the shower now. Sushi for lunch!
Late Evening Update
The papers are all graded, and I so should be entering them into the system. As you can see, I am not. I'll get up early in the morning and do it before I go to lunch and for a manicure with Maurine. Maybe I can even then most of the information transferred over to the spreadsheets that it needs to be in.
In catching y'all up on the events of the past two weeks, there's seemingly a lot...but truthfully, not much. It's been a relatively quiet trip. I've seen a few people. Gone a few places. But for the most part, it's been a laidback thing the entire time.
I spoke last week of betrayal and the update of that situation is that I took that step. Jumped right off the side of the mountain. While things were OK, I felt like I wasn't really a complete participant in what was happening...like I was detached and just watching what was going on. It was very odd in that respect. But more than that, it did feel like a complete betrayal, and I'm not sure what that's about. I need more time to ponder it, and when I'm done pondering, I highly doubt you'll see the fruits here.
In the world of boy news, the boy and I have been on what feels like three dates since I've been home, and I think there's supposed to be another before I leave. On Christmas Day, we rode around talking, looking at lights and the architecture of downtown Hattiesburg. Then headed to the Chinese buffet for dinner. Sunday night, we went to dinner at the Mexican restaurant. Monday night, we drove around looking for Christmas lights. We talk. We do things together. He said he'd like to get on his motorcycle and come visit me. There's been nothing physical except a few hugs, and that's OK. I don't know what's going on there, and it's OK. Whatever it is, it's enough that my friend is back. He's a lot he's dealing with right now, and I hope that it all gets worked out for him. He really is a good guy. Just with some issues. Like all of us.
I've reached the bottom of my wine glass. Must mean it's time to go to sleep.
Early Evening Update
I have really needed to be working on school stuff today, but thus far, as far as I've gotten with it is to have Matt bring the big ass box in from my car. And instead of working on it tonight, I'm thinking about taking myself to a movie. *sigh* I'm going to be miserable if I don't get something done on it. *sigh* So. That means I'm going to get to work on it. In a few minutes. I swear. Right after I make a drink. That's going to be priority number one.
Seems like there out to be a whole lot to tell you since I've been missing for so long. My sojourn in Mississippi ends early Sunday morning. The trip has been wonderful in lots of respects and not quite so hot in others. I suppose the most interesting aspect of it has been finding out who my friends really are. I thought there was a larger contingent of them than there are, but it appears that really, there's only four outside of the Mississippi family, which is fine.
Gotta say that I was hurt by all the people who said they were going to come to New Orleans with me and who then never even said a word about it when asked. I get that things change, even though you made a commitment to something two months ago. Whatever. I understand that. The hurtful part comes in not even being given the courtesy of a "sorry, can't make it." It was very nearly just me and Matt that went, which would have been fine, but not what I had planned. Y'all know how changes in plans upset me and get me all tense.
OK. I've got to get on the grading of papers. I promised myself that I would do that at 6:30. It's now 6:34. I'll be back later.
Morning Update
Today is (obviously) the first day of 2009. How is it that I have gotten to be this old, and how is it that this is 2009? Where does the time go? And what do we do with it as it is going? Some thoughts I'll have to give some time here in a little bit.
How was your New Years Eve? Was it the magical, romantic experience you hoped it would be? Mine was OK. I suppose that's fine. Maybe it's not supposed to be this incredible thing, but rather just another night with friends. Not that another night with friends can't be incredible. Just that somehow it seems like NYE should be different...and it never has been.
I got ready out here at the house after a nap. The party was already going strong by then, though. I think I had good hair last night. The outfit was OK. Not quite sure about the make-up. I never wear a lot of eye make-up. Usually just some liquid eyeliner, an all-over neutral shadow, and mascara. I decided that since it was New Years and all, I should try something a little different so I went with the smoky eye look. Felt a bit like a raccoon, but Tina said it looked OK. I dunno. I haven't looked at the pictures to know for sure or not. I hope it was OK. Not like it really matters, but you know.
After the preparations, it was off to Tina's. Johnny was supposed to have a single man there for me to be kissing at midnight, but he didn't really come through. Damn him. I told him that if he failed, at midnight, he could kiss his bride, and then I would be removing his balls. I let him keep them for the non, but he better be on his toes because they're mine.
After that it was on to Amanda's for the final round of drinks. Several people there that I appreciate and like. Kissed Brandy at midnight because there were no boys there to kiss either. *sigh* Made it home safely around 1:30. I came in the back way because I'd been told there was a checkpoint on Peps Point Road. I was OK to drive (honestly...I didn't want to be wasted last night until I got to the house), but I didn't want to deal with the hassle of a roadblock. So I didn't.
Once at the house, I had the bottle of champagne and watched Matt and Matt and Dawn play drinking games. Like they needed to get any more intoxicated, but it was kinda funny to watch. Was asleep in the bed around three.
And that was New Years Eve. There's more to tell. More stuff to catch you up on, but it's going to have to wait. I've got school work calling my name, and I need to go to town to get something to eat.
Last Updated February 1, 2009
This page is the copyright property of Jen. Please direct any comments or questions to her by clicking on this email link.