January 31, 2008

The end of the month is here. That means tomorrow is another day and another chance to get it right. I'm not sure what I'll do with it.

It's been a stormy day here. Violent rain and thunder and lightning. Y'all know that am not good with severe weather. I think I'm getting better because I have no choice but to. I still don't like it though.

In addition to feeling fragile, I'm also beginning to feel very...irritated...and alone. Paradoxically, if I didn't have some major plans for this weekend, I'd probably spend it wandering. I might in fact have to figure out a way to get off by myself for a little while on Saturday. Not sure if I can swing that though because we'll be in New Orleans and it will be Mardi Gras and people will be worried because New Orleans isn't the safest place.

My horoscope says that this weekend I will either get to spend quality time with someone I adore or I will experience again what it means to be strongly attracted to someone. Yeah. OK. I'm not getting that vibe on the first count and on the second, I'm not sure that I've ever forgotten what it means to be strongly attracted to someone. It's there. In general, the month of February is supposed to be about letting someone under my skin, bringing down the walls and letting him dig through all my little secrets. (Anyone besides me hear that song that's playing in my head? Any of you know it? "Does anybody know you? Does anybody want you? Does anybody love like I do? Does anybody need you? Does anybody care? I promise I will...don't think I know how it feels to be forsaken." Jay Quinn Band. I just added it to my myspace page) OK.

I was going to go to Jackson for St. Patrick's Day again this year, but at tonight's Jaycee Meeting, we decided that we would be having a float in Hattiesburg's St. Patrick's parade. OK. I'm thinking that's going to go over about as well as...well, I don't know. I'm not feeling all that good about it. Our idea is to somehow convert our Christmas float. I better get a ton of freakin' beads at Mardi Gras.

Speaking of which...because it rained tonight, there will be more parades rolling on Saturday. At least that's what I heard. That means more beads.

I could use some hot chocolate chip cookies. Or a brownie. I have nothing even remotely resembling that in the house. Although there is a little chocolate. The sner has taught me well. It's in the cabinet next to the fridge. However...I'm afraid it's been there so long that it's chalky and gross. What kind of woman am I to let chocolate go bad? Criminy.

I should probably have some dinner. Haven't done that yet. Guess it's more chicken cordon bleu. Or maybe an avocado. Yeah, that's what I'm having. Sliced avocado with some salt and pepper. Yum.

Why am I watching Gangland on The History Channel?

I'm tired, but I'm not sure I can justify being in the bed by 8:30 two nights in a row. Yeah, I think I'm going to bed. I'll be asleep by 9:00. That's a little better than last night, I think. Maybe.

January 30, 2008

There is something deeply ignoble about peeing in a cup. I suppose maybe not so much if you're a man or maybe if you're not...fluffy. For me, though, peeing in cup is always an exercise in frustration. First off this morning, because I thought I was going to have a blood test, I went to the bathroom right before my appointment. Because I had to go. So, it was a bit distressing to learn that I needed to figure out how to make that happen quick like. And then once it was ready to happen, there's the whole worry about actually hitting the cup. It's not like I'm a boy and can aim really well. (Boys can aim...I don't know how many do, but they can, and when it comes to the cup, they can just put it *in* the cup. Girls don't quite have that same advantage) Does anyone else have this problem? And can you actually get it in the cup without peeing all over your hand? Once you've got it in the cup, do you feel compelled to tidy things up so no one will know how much of a time you had accomplishing the task? On top of that, are you ever really sure how much they want?

*sigh*

Peed in the cup and am not pregnant. I knew I wasn't. I still don't, know, though, what else could cause all of these symptoms. The doctor apparently didn't either. She gave me 15 days worth of samples of something to stop the acid production in my tummy and a prescription for something else to take every six hours. Because my problem, according to her, is that I have acid reflux. By the way, eat a bland diet...mostly liquids for the next two weeks...and if I'm not feeling better in two weeks, come back.

OK. So...I've suffered from acid reflux for quite awhile. Because of that stupid anti-seizure medication. Some of you, if you search your memories, or browse the Daily Wonderings archives...back to the end of May, 2004 maybe?...will recall a post about vomiting stomach acid while trying to make my way down to Mississippi. So it's not acid reflux, thank you very much.

This is why I hate doctors. A couple of years ago...I think when I was going through the Writing Project...I wrote a piece called "The Body in Betrayal". I don't have it anymore. It was saved a couple of computers ago, but it was all about trying to get a doctor to take me seriously when I knew there was something wrong because I was having seizures. I feel like that on a lot of levels right this minute. One is that my body is doing something that I'm not used to. I've never experienced this nausea crap. Nor a lot of the other things going on. I can't remember the last time my breasts were this sore and tender...or this round and hard. It's been YEARS.

I've said several times that I'm oblivious lots of times. This afternoon was a perfect example. Went to the post office and ran into the boy there. Apparently he had been trying to get my attention. I swear I wasn't ignoring him; just my off-in-the-ether self. I miss him when I don't see him, so it was good to run into him today.

In other news, Edwards dropped out of the Presidential race today. I really liked him. I knew that he didn't have the hope of a chance, but I liked what he had to say. This editorial kinda sums it up for me. My friend MB, who pays attention to such things, says that something is afoot. I don't know because I don't follow such things closely.

I'm not quite sure why the Fed cut interest rates another half point today. It appears very reactionary to me, but I admittedly don't know a whole lot about these things. How low can interest rates go? The commentary I heard said that there would most likely be more rate cuts to come. When do they start seriously worrying about inflation with high energy, housing, and food costs? When does that kind of stuff begin to be important to those in the know? Or does it not?

Any of y'all like kimchee? I enjoy it from time to time, but I find that if I buy it, I don't remember to eat it before it gets to be unbearable. Thought this article was interesting. I would have never though to put kimchee on a hamburger. Or in spaghetti. If I were to get ambitious, I suppose that I could make the stuff, but there would be way too much for me to eat all by my lonesome. Which is typically a problem when I cook. (I left the carnitas out at Gumbo Acres last night. I still have two more pieces of chicken cordon bleu to eat. Apparently that's something we don't do anymore)

Anyway. I'm going to bed. Tired.

January 29, 2008

I felt better most of the day, but tonight. Ugh. For about an hour wanted to die. Now I'm starving. I ate carnitas out at the Mississippi family's. Might make some popcorn. Maybe.

Talked to Coach this afternoon. Have to say, kinda not happy. You know, he's the one who didn't want me. He's the one who left me. He's the one who married someone else. And yet, this afternoon, he was pouty and pissy with me..."I didn't know you had a beau. (excuse me, a what?) I didn't know you were seeing someone." Ummmm...OK, no? I'm supposed to wait for someone I wasn't good enough for in the first place? Really? Kiss my what?

Boys are stupid. That's all I know. Stupid, stupid, and even more stupid.

I'm tired and really feel like I could cry, so I think it's probably best that I should just go to bed. Screw the popcorn.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. They'll do a blood test to see if I'm pregnant, which I'm sure I'm not (I'm not. I know I'm not), so hopefully they'll figure out what the real problem is.

January 28, 2008

So, the puppy's sweaters came in today. She is so not proud of them. *grin* Put it on her and she raced around the room. Cracked me up. Pupper dog in her green sweater.

It's a little long in the tail, but that's OK. Think I'm going to leave it.

They came and turned my cable back on today. Took the guy all of 15 seconds. Literally 15 seconds. They turned my service off...again...when it should have been the neighbor. *sigh* And, they were supposed to be here on Saturday. Because I had a total outage, they were supposed to be here within 24 hours. Some bubblehead apparently didn't hear me when I repeatedly said that I had no cable or internet. Pissed me off.

Did you know that there's another season of Rock of Love on? I've missed most of it...but I think these girls are worse than last time. If that's possible. More stupid. Definitely not more attractive.

Still not feeling well, although like Saturday, it's been a touch and go thing. Right now I'm feeling pretty good. About 3:00 I thought I was going to die. I did call the student health center and even though I'm only taking 1 credit hour, they will see me for the student rate. I suppose I will call tomorrow and make an appointment.

Speaking of TMI, came across this little piece of commentary from Margaret Cho (warning if you're squeamish, don't click). Somehow I totally missed the news about Britney's period panty shot. So I've detailed here before my own struggles (I seem to recall a rather embarrassing incident from my spring break camping trip through South Carolina). While I wouldn't engage in as much hyperbole as Cho does, one thing that I find interesting is that there's so much...reticence...when it comes to something that is affects half the population. It's sick? It's disgusting? OK. I guess. What are we? Twelve? Granted, it reminds me of those first months with the Xboy when I was on depo and bleeding 2.5 months out of every 3, and he had to learn to deal with it or do without. Granted I'm not inclined to be cuddly the first two days of my period, but criminy. Periods happen...accidents happen. It's not gross, it's not sick, it's not disgusting. It just is.

And now for a total non sequitur. Got my power bill today. $102. Not bad, I suppose, but grrr. The month's before was $72. I suppose that week were it was freezing here really made a difference...even with as cold as I like to keep the house. That reminds me to turn the furnace down. It's going to be warm enough that I won't need it tonight.

For some reason, I really want this book. I don't know why really. I'm not a fan of graphic novel type things. I'm intrigued by it, though, so I want it. I probably won't go buy it for myself (because I am poor) but I want it.

We're planning the trip to New Orleans. Should be a really good time. We're leaving here at 6:00., I've got someone coming by and feeding my doggie, taking her out, etc. because we won't be home until way late. I hope my tummy feels good enough to enjoy some cocktails while I'm there. If it's not, I suppose that will be OK, too. We're talking crawfish, shrimp, snacks, king cake, beer, booze. It's going to be a big ol' party, and I just found out that the MS family will be making the trip as well. They decided independently, and I told them they should come join us. In fact, if you're going to be in New Orleans on Saturday, give me a call and we'll have a good time. (You gotta bring your own snacks, though...don't know if we'll have enough for you)

Ughh. Must quit burping.

Night y'all. More tomorrow.

January 27, 2008

Where to start? I've been in bed almost all day. Probably because I didn't go to bed until the wee hours. I have a really good dog. I didn't get home until about 10 this morning, and she was patiently waiting. She normally gets up, goes out and gets fed by 6:00, no later than 8:00 in the morning. Such a sweet girlie.

Am feeling pretty gross right this minute. All day it's been about as awful as it's ever been. I'm gonna get in the tub here in a minute and hope that it will be better. I was talking with a friend earlier, and she said that she thought I needed to get a carbon monoxide detector because cm poisoning can have most of the same symptoms as I'm experiencing. The only thing is that my furnace is electric, so I don't know that cm poisoning is even an option.

I'm also going to make some dinner. Maybe some mashed potatoes and some steamed veggies will help. If nothing else, I suppose that beating the chicken breasts into a quarter inch thickness will get out some aggression. Actually I don't know that I have much aggression.

Bath helped a little. Have vacuumed. Will clear off the table just in case. Am thinking about making some oatmeal cookies. No particular reason. Dinner is in the oven. Stomach is upset, but I'm starving. I find it interesting that in all of this time I've been feeling puny, I haven't puked. What I eat doesn't make the nausea worse or better or anything like that. It just stays.

Saw the boy last night. He really is very sweet, and I've missed him. Said that he wanted to call me earlier but didn't want to be rejected. I'm not sure why he would think that I would reject him; I don't know that I ever have. I suppose, though, we have our own issues. I find it interesting that we both have that same thing going. I go through these phases where I get tired of feeling like I've been rejected...when I don't hear from him, when he doesn't respond to me. It's like I can only take so much, and then I start to shut down. When he doesn't hear from me for awhile, it's because I've tried and there's nothing in response. Once, long ago now it seems, he asked me why he had to be the one to always contact me because he liked it when I was the first one to contact him...he didn't always want to be the one. Lately that's how I feel.

I think there's something wrong with my oven. It was only supposed to take 20 minutes to bake the chicken, but it was more like 40 before all the pink was gone. It's good...although to be honest, I almost liked the instant mashed potatoes better. I didn't bake cookies. Maybe tomorrow night. Although...oatmeal cookies and hot chocolate...hmmmm...

I've listened to probably 20 hours of This American Life this weekend. All kinds of stuff there that comes as food for thought. I'm now listening to the story of the change of the DSM definition of homosexuality. Interesting. Those days seem so very far away. The reality is that they're really not that far away, are they? As we struggle with trying to define what rights gay people are entitled to, it seems like 35 years really aren't all that many.

It's about 8:15, and I think I'm going to go to bed. How sad is that?

January 26, 2008

For those of you that missed yesterday's update, I've done some extensive adding of photos. I've gone from 4 photo albums to 19. Good lord. I wonder if I have any space on my server left.

It's amazing what you can get done when you don't have the distraction of internet or the television. Instead of working on my dissertation, I've been busy playing with my webpage. Yes, it really is true that you'll do anything to avoid that important work. Anything.

Speaking of my internet access, I had a bit of a melt-down with comcast today. They told me last night that by 2:30 today someone would be by to fix the problem. 2:30 rolled around and no one was here, so I called. When someone eventually got on the phone, I was told that no, sorry, no one would be here until Tuesday between 8-12. OK. That pissed me off. And it was strange that while I was having my melt-down with the customer service rep, I knew that it wasn't going make a difference. Just because someone lied to me doesn't mean that I'm going to get my service back any faster. And I knew that. But I still had my melt-down. I actually wasn't all that bitchy. I didn't yell. I don't yell. But I was angry. I work very hard to make sure that I'm appropriately angry...with the person that I need to be angry with, and I failed this afternoon. *sigh*. I will have a credit of four days for both my internet and cable service. Apparently there is an outage. For over 24 hours now. How long does it take to fix such things?

I think I'm beginning to feel better. My tummy has been upset only off and on all day. Not persistently like it has been for almost the past week. There have been several instances where I thought I was going to lose it, but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe tomorrow will be even better.

I don't know what's going on in the world because I'm completely cut-off. I suppose I will buy a paper tomorrow so I can at least have some semblance of what's going on.

I bought a bag of big dog food for my puppy today. She's a year old or close enough. No more Puppy Chow for her. *sigh* I suppose it is time, but it's another sign that life is moving on whether I want it to or not. One upside is that the big dog food is cheaper (by $1.50/bag) than the puppy food.

David Sedaris is funny. I've listened to a couple of different pieces today. Since there's no television, I've been listening to This American Life podcasts that I've downloaded during the last year but never quite gotten around to listening to. Some interesting ones, and one in particular that I found very disturbing. It was about what happens when people die alone...with no one to mourn them, no one who knows them, or cares that they are gone, possibly no one who knows that they are dead. I like to think that won't be my fate. That at the very least, there are enough people who read this site fairly frequently would notice if I'm not here or posting...that I might only be dead in my house for a week before a panic went up. The kids would probably have started to feast on me by then, and it would probably be bad, but the authorities wouldn't have to hunt for someone to claim me. While I may live alone, I am not alone, per say. People in this world care about me. I don't think it's arrogance to say that I would be missed.

Something, though, is missing. As I was updating photos, I came across Grandma and Grandpa Alex's headstone. They were married for 54 years when Grandma passed away. I don't know if I want to be married--ever. I have commitment issues and I have real problems with the notion of ownership and possession that come with a traditional notion of marriage. And I'm mostly OK with living alone, so that really isn't the issue. The issue is that I am increasingly lonely. And it's not just about sex, although I miss that too. It's that I miss having someone to share things with. To do things with. To share myself with.

I mean, I share myself with y'all here on a regular basis, and you all know some of the most intimate details of my life. For the most part, though, it's not an intimate connection that I share with you. I'm not really sharing myself with you. The details yes, my thoughts about them yes, but there's still a distance here...even though at times it may not seem like there's much of one. There's a whole lot that goes on that I don't share...and never will...because they are too much to share with the whole world. With one person, though...there's some safety there.

I told y'all that I was feeling fragile, and it's getting worse. Maybe it's the full moon or the Mercury retrograde or whatever, but I feel...fragile. In the last couple of days have had to think about some things that I really don't like to spend a lot of time thinking about.

Another episode I listened to this afternoon talked about friendships. I've not been particularly good at keeping in touch with the people who have mattered so much to me for so long. I'm not sure exactly why that is. Maybe it is because I'm unhappy with the direction my life has taken and now it's not exactly where I thought I was going to be...and I'm too embarrassed about that. Or maybe it's that I fear that I have little to say anymore. Nothing happens here, nothing is exciting, nothing is going on. What is there to say, what is there to talk about?

A teacher in Petal was arrested yesterday for having sex with her 16 year old exchange student. She's 24. Married with two children. Teaches fifth grade. Was arrested at school. I'm not sure why they decided to arrest her at school. It seems like it could be traumatic to the students and a burden for the school in that if they arrest the teacher at 9:00 in the morning, the school is suddenly going to have to find someone to cover that class. Unless it's in the works anyway and the school already knows. Can you imagine being that sub? Ughh. I don't know how such things work, so I'm not sure I'm talking about it.

At any rate...I still don't understand why teachers get themselves into such situations. I mean there's the whole chance that you're going to go to jail, which would be the over-riding concern for me. There is, though, also the thought that we're talking about grown women having sex with young men. Inexperienced. Novices. Someone who has no experience to guide them. It's hard enough as it is to have an orgasm; why in god's great name would you want to sign up for something so complicated to begin with? I just don't understand.

The other night the boy said that I could be an addiction, and he said that if he were me, he would have kicked him to the curb long ago. I'm not very smart about such things (other things, yes...these things no), and I don't know what exactly to make of those statements. If I know what's going on, I can work within those parameters, but when I'm left adrift, then I'm just adrift. When we were people to do things with, I knew how to handle it. Now...now I am just confused. That's OK, I suppose. I just need to let go and be comfortable with the not knowing

I think that in addition to making chicken cordon bleu tomorrow night, some time this week I'm going to make carnitas. Those roasts are on sale this week, so it's another cheap meal. Maybe call up Beth and see if perhaps Tuesday night they want to have dinner. I have some left-over from Christmas that needs to be thrown out. I just can't eat it all by myself.

I also think that I'd really like some macaroni salad. I know that mayo probably isn't the best idea for an upset stomach, but it's been awhile since I made it. It sounds good right now. Potato salad sounds good too, but that's more work than macaroni. Macaroni salad doesn't probably go too well with either carnitas or chicken cordon bleu. Hmmmm...

I had an awful dream last night. I was with Dax, in our apartment off Sierra Madre, and it was just terrible. Woke up shaking, on the verge of tears. I went back to sleep fairly quickly, but it wasn't a good sleep Kept tossing and turning. Eventually the dog got out of bed and slept on the floor because I kept kicking her. Wonder what brought that on?

I could kick myself I had a present for the Sner's boyfriend...something he really wanted...and right this minute, I can't remember where I put it. I'm actually afraid that while cleaning, I might have thrown it away. It that's the case...it's gonna take awhile to find a replacement.

Sorry.

This week I've managed to wash and dry two of my favorite lipsticks. *sigh* Unfortunately, they were Clinique so that means it's going to be a little bit before they get replaced. If you've got an extra $25 laying around, please feel free to send me a Black Honey and a Ruby Kiss.

January 25, 2008

I was supposed to go try to donate platelets this afternoon, but I just couldn't do it. I felt so incredibly sick, that I decided that it's probably not a good idea for me to donate given that I have no freakin' clue what's wrong with me. Came home and went to sleep instead. Actually first came home and found out that my cable and my internet are out. *sigh* I understand that stuff happens sometimes, but for some reason that is particularly irksome. You know?

Was struck by an intense craving for sushi this morning. I'm not exactly sure what triggered it, but good lord, I want some sushi. Some real sushi. Some Aloha Rocky Mountain Roll sushi. I had a very poor substitute with the crispy shrimp roll from the supermarket, but it's just not the same, even though it wasn't half bad. I guess maybe I need to decide if a trip to one of the local sushi places is in my budget. It's not really, but if I cut something somewhere else, it might work.

You may wonder about the whole sushi with upset tummy pairing. It gave me pause too. The thing seems to be that I can go ahead and eat whatever I want...and while I'm eating, I'm still nauseous. I have yet to puke, though, so I give myself a big ol' pat on the back for that feat. Y'all know how much I hate to puke.

Anyway, yeah, the doggie and I went to bed when I got home this afternoon. I was in a rare snuggly mood so I decided to do a little cuddling with her. Ick. She still needs a bath (and I just washed the towels. Oops). But. As we were cuddling, she managed to get the tip of my nose with her paw. Saw stars, almost cried. Tip of nose is very sensitive to begin with. Add in big ol' dog paw and dog nails, and it's worse.

I'm actually kinda bereft right now...don't know what I'm going to do with myself tonight. No television for background noise, no internet to keep me occupied. I guess I could watch one of these upteen movies I have that have never seen the light of day. Or maybe I could read a book. That's a novel idea, huh? Haven't actually done that in awhile. That will probably be what wins out. After a nice hot bubble bath.

It's freezing here again. For a little while, they were talking about snow.. I don't know if they still are or not because I have no television and no internet, but they were saying it was possible earlier in the day. Hasn't quite happened yet, so I'm not sure about that. All I know is that while I was in my shirt and no jacket earlier, right about now I could use a vooshy sweater. (I'm in long-sleeved USM shirt and some black plaid jamma pants) Will have to go and dig up my sweater.

Actually, I think that I'm going to go brave Wal-Mart and pick up dog and cat food and that kind of thing. *sigh* I hate shopping. That's going to require me putting on normal clothes. *sigh* I suppose, though, for my babies who are cold and starving, I can do it. *sigh*

OK...I went out but I didn't make it to Wal-Mart. I did go to the Treasure Hunt, Ross, PetsMart, and Target. Bought no dog food or cat food. Poor babies won't starve to death tonight, so I suppose that it's OK for the minute.

Went by work to get the number to call Sylvan. I know that I procrastinate and put things off, and that might have cost me. *sigh* It's Ok, I suppose. I didn't really want to do the job. Simply because it's Sylvan. Had an interesting conversation with one of our interns while I was there. It's nice to know that you're not the only one getting screwed.

One problem with living in the hood is that there's no one to pirate internet from. *sigh* I'm on hold with comcast to try to figure out what's going on and when they're going to be here to fix it.

It's raining. At times it's been raining fairly heavily. I have put 300 in the DVD player, and thus far...I'm not all that impressed. Probably should have gone with the book.

Tonight is a night for curling up with someone and having sex or making love or whatever you want to call it. I'm pretty sure there's a difference. I'm trying to remember the last time I "made love". I remember the last time someone told me that we were making love, although I'd lay odds that he doesn't. It didn't feel like we were making love. It was actually kinda of...frightening. I would suppose that making love doesn't have to be sweet and tender. It can be as nasty and dirty as anything else...just depends on the emotion behind it. That night, there was meanness to it. That's the only way I can think of to describe it. Like he was trying to exorcise some sort of demon and using me to get it done. Sounds pretty dramatic, doesn't it? I remember being supremely comfortable with it while it was happening, knowing that he and I were in two different places.

Sounds like they're having a party next door. A couple of carloads pulled up when I let the puppy out to do her business. They were greeted with a scream from a girl with a bottle of beer in her hand. Guess maybe I'll sleep in my jammas in case I have to get up and make some threats.

Think I'm going to make chicken cordon bleu on Sunday. Invite the boy over. I don't know if we still do that or not. I think the last time I made chicken cordon bleu was for Nate...so that would have been ages ago. What do you serve with such? I'm thinking mashed potatoes and some steamed veggies? Broccoli rice with cheese sauce? Chicken breasts were on sale this week, so it's a cheap dinner. Cheap is important.

Have I mentioned that we're going to New Orleans next weekend for some mardi gras fun? I'm excited about it. Good friends and good fun. Toss some beads into the mix and all is perfect. Well...there will be something key missing, but since it always is, I suppose it's really no big deal.

Yeah, so not really being all that impressed by 300. And because I was unimpressed, I got another photo album updated to the current site design. Good lord is that process time consuming. *sigh* Did Linda's Wedding too. I apparently get faster at it the more of them I do. And Thanksgiving 2005. Because I'm not ready to go to bed, I also put up pics from the Christmas parade and New Year's Eve. Actually, hell, just go to the photo main page. I put a bunch of them up. *sigh* Will finish the rest tonight I suppose.

January 24, 2008

If it's possible to be any more confused than I was, then I'm more confused than ever. Back in October, I did some writing about vulnerability. I'm not sure if I shared it here or not, and I don't really want to go back in look in case I did, but I feel really...fragile. I guess that's the word I want to use. Maybe. Something similar. I don't know.

It took me forever to remember what the song was, but I'm so feeling "Fizz" by Mumbo Gumbo. "So many pretty words, flow like pretty birds..."

The problem is that I don't know when to believe people and when not to. I really do want to trust the things I hear, but I don't have such a great track record when it comes to that. I believe folks and then I'm in a mess. I was going to make a list of greatest lies I fell for, but you know, I'm pretty sure that I really don't need to do that to myself. Rest assured, though, that I'm thinking about them, even if I'm not putting them out there in black and grey for all the rest of the world to see.

Day number five of nausea. It was really, really bad this afternoon. A couple of times I put my head down on my desk because the surface was cold. Right now I'm feeling it too. *sigh*

It's late, and I've wasted way too much time tonight. I'm taking my dog and going to bed. That is probably the best course of action for me right now.

January 23, 2008

Still not feeling well. Got some ginger tea at the store this morning. That seemed to help a little. I can't figure out what's wrong. Beth wants me to go to the doctor tomorrow because you're not supposed to feel that bad for that long, but when you don't have health insurance and vague symptoms like "nausea", going to the doctor means lots of money. So. I don't think I'm going to the doctor. I'll have to make up something to tell Beth.

Feeling pretty bad for a friend tonight. Some times it seems like there's never a bottom, doesn't there? Just when you think that things can't get any worse, they go just a little lower. I wish there were some way to help. I'll just send some healing vibes out into the universe.

It was a crappy day at work. *sigh* I will admit to having been a bit of a slacker lately, but criminey. I so need to find another job. I'm working on it, I swear.

I was going to say something else...a long dissertation about things I've already covered here before...and things I've been beating around the bush about the last couple of days...but I don't know that it helps me any to keep worrying that knot. It is what it is, and eventually I'll figure it out. I guess. Maybe.

Did I mention that I told the JICB that I was sorry and didn't mean to have led him on but that I'm not all that much good for anyone right now? He's not what I want, and right this minute I can't quite get past that.

January 22, 2008

Still feel like shit. Still nauseous. Have ruled out a couple of potential causes. I think it's because I'm stressed out. All kinds of things are out of kilter right now.

Trimmed the puppy's toenails last night, and she didn't fight me at all. By the time we were done, she was starting to get a little antsy, but she was a good girl. I got lucky with her.

I read several things today, but I don't remember what I wanted to say about them.

I think I'm going to make a sandwich (ham and cheese melt) and go to bed. Sorry to not be more exciting.

January 21, 2008

I feel like shit. Nauseous. But starving at the same time. I was nauseous yesterday too, but I chalked that up to too much tequila the night before. And there wasn't enough for it to still be effecting me now. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I wish it would get itself sorted out. Still really tired, too.

Read this article today, and I have to say that it pisses me off completely. "Personhood initiative"? Are you kidding me? A fertilized egg is the same under the eyes of the law that I am? The article does not even address what "personhood" for fertilized eggs means to the millions of women who use birth control pills. It would make them illegal to prescribe and illegal to use. Because birth control pills don't work just to prevent ovulation. They also prevent the implantation of a fertilized egg. (I'm amazed at how many women are ignorant about that fact. Criminey) I get that people don't agree with abortion. I understand that. But do some of these folks really understand what they're doing? Seriously? And that if they take away means of birth control, they create more need for abortion? And do they not understand that South Dakota already tried this crap and it didn't work? Seriously?

The neighbor (the one that I thought was a transvestite the first time I saw her) is blaring old Simon & Garfunkle. OK. I guess. Who am I to judge what kinds of music that other people blast, given some of my own choices?

I've made my decision. I don't know if it's the right one, but it's what feels right this minute. It might be different when I'm faced with it, and I don't know right now if I can hold to it when it comes to the moment. Of course, I have not yet articulated that decision to the person it impacts, but that might not even be that big of a deal. Because I may never talk to them again. Who knows. I feel better, though.

I think I'm going to bed early tonight. I ate some dinner and I feel better...although I'm still starving. I very well may have a tape worm. *sigh*

January 20, 2008

It's kind of a crappy day here in my corner of south Mississippi. Tried to donate platelets today, but was so anxious that my heart rate was way to high. It's 65-70 sitting here now. In the interview room, it was 130. Every time I go in there and don't donate, the anxiety gets worse. I'm not sure why I can't just let it be a thing either I can do it today or I can't and move on with my life. I feel so terrible...like I've let someone down.

Did you know that women who have had children can no longer donate platelets? Something about antibodies that women produce. The donor pool is decreased...so they need mine even more. But I can't get past my anxiety. Feel a bit like a loser.

That kinda capped off a shitty morning. Read my horoscope this morning and it was all about paying attention to my intuition, listening to what my heart has to say and getting in touch with what my heart wants me to do...and the need to let go of something. I suppose there's lots of ways that could go, but there's really only one thing I'm thinking about right now. I had a whole bunch of stuff typed out but just decided that it was probably just best to let sleeping dogs alone.

The puppy has been driving me insane lately with putting her head on my arm, putting her paws on me, wanting my attention. I've been telling her no and off and all of that stuff, but it hasn't really worked. This afternoon I've trying a different approach...which is basically that I've ignored her. No matter that her head is heavy and after a bit it begins to hurt. Or that she is actually standing on my arm. Seems to be working. *sigh* She sitting on the floor by the baby gate and staring at the Blackberry.

I need to do the laundry and the dishes. *sigh* I also need to fold some laundry and do some cleaning type stuff. Not really interested in doing any of that. The puppy needs a bath, but it's cold. I don't want her freezing to death.

Tomorrow is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I have to work, so I'll be at the office where they will insist on calling it "Robert E. Lee Day". Read this article in the Denver Post about Obama and the Southern vote. Also read Dr. King's "Letter from Birmingham Jail" today. (thanks Robin) Seems like there's still so far to go. We've come a long way, but there's still such a long way to go. I suppose that is understandable.

I have cramps. Funny that I get them when I ovulate and not with my actual period. *sigh* (Overshare, I know, but that's the way I roll)

Have done the dishes. I suppose I will start the laundry so I have something to wear to work tomorrow. I need some dinner too. Feeling quite like some fantastic dessert, but will settle for a cup of hot chocolate since it is frigid round these parts.

This football game needs to be over so I can go to bed. I still haven't done laundry. No clue what I'm going to wear tomorrow. It's cold so the doggie is going to get to sleep in the bed with me tonight. Must remember to let the faucets drip.

I can't sleep. Dammit.

January 19, 2008

Home from the Distinguished Service Awards. I think it went well. Our new police chief was our guest speaker, and...I gotta say that I think he needs a speech writer. It was a rambling 7-10 minute talk that kinda really didn't have a point. I mean it was in there, but teasing it out was difficult. And it was kinda gloomy. The point of DSA is to honor those who are making a difference in our community. And the chief talked about awful things that our young people are doing. Murders, robberies, etc. OK. And tie that into what you're here for! Yay! Good idea! I suppose I shouldn't gripe so much; I know that public speaking isn't exactly what he was hired to do, but criminey. *sigh* He did provide me with a tie-in for my introduction of the fireman, so I suppose it was all good.

A lady asked me afterward if I was a writer because she could just tell that I was a writer...that I had a novel in me. I said probably more like a collection of essays. Maybe even a dissertation. (all y'all in the peanut gallery hush)

The most important thing for you to know about today is that it snowed. In South Mississippi. It snowed. There was probably, at the height of the snowing, half an inch of very, very wet snow here at the house. Some places were reporting up to 2-3 inches. I had to drive down to the coast to get my hair did today, and leaving in the snow was a little anxiety producing. Not because I don't know how to drive in it but rather because it's been awhile since I had to drive in it and because most people here do not know how to drive in it. Fortunately just outside of Hattiesburg, the snow turned to rain.

My puppy sure could have used her shearling jacket when she went out to potty, but unfortunately, it's not come yet. Her grandSner must not love her too much. Poor, frozeden doggie.

It's supposed to get down to 22 tonight, which means all of that wet on the roads is going to freeze. I think I'm just going to stay here at the house and finish this margarita that I have. When that runs out, I think I might switch to wine. Or I might just go to bed. I'm still exhausted, and I'm not exactly sure what that's about.

Got a call from Sylvan on Friday. I had applied with them before Christmas...part-time stuff with their online division. I guess I'm going to do it. It doesn't pay that much, but it would be consist work...anywhere from 8-29 hours a week, depending on what I wanted to work. It would cover gas each month. Or it would go to paying off a couple of bills. Or it could pay for the cable. So. I think I'm going to do it.

Some of you remember when I worked for Sylvan long ago and far away and how much I hated the desperation that those poor little kids displayed when they came in. I'm a little worried about that again. I can be pretty idealistic and...I'm not sure what word I'm looking for. I think that's one of the endearing things about me, but at the same time, it makes it hard for me to work within systems that fall short of my idealism. When you gotta pay the bills, though...you gotta pay the bills. I know I could make more by being a private tutor, but I don't want to have to deal with scheduling, the sporadic nature of it, the decision making, the taxes.

I saw that Clinton and Romney appear to have won Nevada...and that the turn-out was phenomenal. Do you think that's because people are so fed up that they really do realize that the only way to make change is to get involved? Or what do you think is going on? Did all of my Nevada homies make it out to caucus? I kinda wish I was there for that.

Interesting article about who gets abortions. I'm staunchly pro-choice. I believe the decision about what a woman does with her body is best made by her and her medical professional. I don't believe the government has any business interfering in the doctor-patient relationship (much like I don't believe that the government has any business in the marriage game or in the bedroom). If I were to get pregnant right this minute, I'm not exactly sure what I would do. much like I don't believe that the government has any business in the marriage game or in the bedroom). If I were to get pregnant right this minute, I'm not exactly sure what I would do. I certainly don't make enough money at this current job to make enough to support myself and a baby. However, I'm educated, and I think that I could always get a job teaching and make ends meet that way. The prospect of facing such a situation without insurance is terrifying, but I suppose women do that every day and I could figure out how to make that work.

More worrisome is where the father would fit into the whole thing. Most of you know how I feel about things, but for the new readers of this space, I'll reiterate. I believe that if a man does not have the right to tell a woman that she will or will not be a mother (meaning that she will carry a pregnancy to term or she will have an abortion), then a woman does not have the right to tell a man that he will or will not be a father. That she cannot compel him to be a part of the child's life...either physically and emotionally or financially. I'm not sure how to balance the rights of the child with the rights of the two adults in the picture, but that's what I believe. I hope that I have enough sense to choose a man to sleep with that is responsible enough to step up, but if not (and my judgment is questionable...always has been and continues to be *sigh*), then I would have to be prepared to do it on my own.

A friend and I were recently talking about the whole idea of being unexpectedly pregnant, and she wondered how I would do it without having my family nearby. This isn't a slam to my Sner, but even if my family were nearby, I don't know how much support I could expect. The nature of my Sner's work means that she could not be a reliable baby-sitter, nor could she really be an emergency contact if say the baby were to get sick while I was at work. It would be me as the go-to person. It's all a little overwhelming to think about, and while a period and PMS may be a bitch to deal with every month, I'm kinda glad that it comes and I'm not faced with making some very, very hard choices.

This margarita is strong. Whew.

I'm supposed to try to donate platelets tomorrow. Kinda worried about that. The last experience was really, really bad.

Here's a really crazy thought: I move home to Missouri this summer. Live in the rental house and teach somewhere in Billings, Republic, Springfield. It would certainly be cheaper to live (I wouldn't pay rent, but I would pay my utilities and I would probably wind up buying most of the grandSner's groceries. Works about the same as her rent, doesn't it?). I just don't know if I want to live next door to my grandSner. That could be a nightmare in the making. It's just a thought. Not a very well formed one but a thought. If I'm going back to the classroom, why not go back where it's going to be cheapest for me to live? You know?

I don't know if I'm ready to leave south Mississippi, though. While the place hasn't really grown on me, the people have. I don't know. I wish I knew what the hell I was doing with my life. I thought I knew at one time. I had a plan. And now that I've lost the plan, I can't seem to get it together and find another one.

My back is killing me. It's actually that numbness kinda hurt that spreads out from one location. I need someone to give me a rub-down. Where's Nate when you need him? I could actually use a massage. that might be my treat to myself when I get my tax refund. Not that I don't need to have some work done on the car. But $100 for a spa afternoon might not be a bad investment. Facial, massage, pedicure. Maybe manicure. Little Valentine's Day treat to myself, since I freakin' hate Valentine's Day. Where would I go in Hattiesburg for that?

OK. I need to go to bed. I'm tired, and I've been drinking. I think all the tequila was at the bottom of the margarita mix.

January 17, 2008

I am not feeling quite as morose as I was yesterday, although still not quite a ray of sunshine. It'll work itself out eventually, but right now it sucks.

I was reading elsewhere about the notion of loving with one's whole heart. Regular readers of this space know that I frequently tussle with what exactly it means to love someone. I have no clue, really, I don't think, what it means to love someone. It's been a long time, and...I don't know if I trust my memories. Maybe I did one time, maybe I thought I did, maybe I've even thought I was. The premise though is that those of us who have loved with our whole hearts and had our hearts shattered from then on out love only in piecemeal fashion. Because someone has already had our best and we are damaged, we cannot ever again someone everything that we have.

I think that I probably loved X with all my heart. At least at the beginning. Somewhere towards the end, I don't know that it was love...I know that a lot of those tear-filled nights were not about not being with him anymore but rather about how I was going to make it on my own...how I was going to protect myself and provide for myself and who was going to love me if he didn't. But in those heady days before it turned into whatever it wound up as, I'm not sure there wasn't anything I wouldn't have done for him...and considering how I let him treat me, the things I let him do, I'd like to think that wasn't all about my insecurity. It's somehow more appealing to think that all of that happened because of love and not something far less noble.

It's entirely possible that I have just proven the point. I convince myself that I don't know what it is so I don't have to feel it and deal with it. The thing is, though, I feel it creeping in, and I'm never quite sure what to do with it. Or if there is anything that needs to be done with it. Maybe it can just be, and I don't have to do anything with it while I'm figuring out exactly what it is. Or maybe it can be just whatever, and I won't ever have to deal with it. That actually is kind of appealing.

There's a new boy. Will have to come up with a name for him. There was a rather pleasant exchange today, but all the time, in the back of my head, I'm thinking, "he isn't what I want." If he's not what I want, then it's not fair to him to be doing this thing, is it? But what if he is what I want, and I just don't know it yet? Maybe I'll call him the JICB. That might work. Maybe.

So, to completely change the subject...what do y'all think about the "economic stimulus" package that's supposed to be coming down the pike? Not that I couldn't use a few extra dollars right now, but I have to wonder if we're not just prolonging the inevitable. Doesn't the market have to go through corrections? The chickens have to eventually come home to roost, don't they?

Horrible cramp in my foot. Ouch.

January 16, 2008

Good god. Just when I think I get a problem figured out, I find that nope, I don't have it figured out at all. And now I'm panicked again. *sigh* Actually, I think it's sorta OK. Or will be. Just one more thing. Ughhh.

I kinda feel like drinking a whole lot and going to bed early tonight. I was trying to be upbeat all day...in fact, I've been trying all week, but some times, the totality of things gets to be too much.

At work today, three guys got into a rather ugly discussion about race and gender. You know...I get that I didn't grow up here and that I haven't had to deal with a lot of things that people in the south have had to deal with, but criminey. The things that come out of people's mouths just really, really make me ill. When they get around others who believe the same, the level goes up a couple of steps and it gets even uglier. It just kills me.

I'm freezing to death.

Read an interesting article today. I'm not exactly sure what the point of the article was because it tackled so many different things, all centered around Niagara Falls and sex. I'm not sure that I know how successful it was, or maybe it's just that I need to go back and reread the article.

It rained and was icky all day long. I'm sure that contributes to my mood. I know we need the rain, but I hate the gray. I need to live somewhere sunny and warm all the time. None of this gray crap to bring me down.

I think the puppy will get to sleep in the bed with me again tonight. Mainly because it's frigid here in this house because I'm too cheap to pay for heat. They still haven't come to fix my outlet. *sigh* Right now the puppy is trying to force my Blackberry out of hiding. Blackberry is growling at Cobbler. *sigh* I gotta buy dog food.

The heat just came on. Which means it has dipped below 58 in the house.

I've yet to uncork that bottle of wine. You know what that means? I'm probably not going to. I often talk a big game, but my follow-through is horrible.

Just submitted an application for a position at USM. I'm trying to be really positive. Just in case, I'm going to call the other place tomorrow. They said I should hear by the beginning of the week, and I didn't. I suppose I just have to hear them tell me...we didn't want you.

If I were intoxicated, as I had planned to be, that would send me off into a dissertation (ha) of sorts about how I'm a little dense and need to be told by lots of people that they don't want me. I need to not be mean to myself. It's just a temporary set-back. It's all just a temporary set-back. It will eventually look up. It has to.

Another interesting article, this one about substitute teaching. I don't know exactly what the answer is. It doesn't take a lot to be a sub, and the pay for subs is pretty dismal. As a teacher, you never know if what you left is what is going to be "taught" to the students that day. You don't know if the students are going to cooperate, and if they don't, you don't know if the sub is going to be able to get them back under control.

Gonna try to donate platelets on Sunday. Hope it goes well. I'm going to practice visualizing lower blood pressure between now and then. And I'm going to take my vitamins. Just remembered to set my alarm. Before my phone was stolen, I had a daily alarm set to remind me to take my vitamins. I've been resisting since then. Now I'm working on remembering.

January 15, 2008

I've had to do a little home improvement the last couple of nights. I suppose that tonight will be the test of my abilities. I do know that I need some new screw drivers. Most of mine have grown legs and walked off apparently. I'm pretty proud of myself, though. I did a decent job. *grin*

I had a bunch more to say, but I suppose not much of it is all that important. It's Tuesday, and they haven't called about the job, so I'm pretty sure that means they won't. The guy said end of last week, beginning of this. Pretty sure we are now past that threshold. Makes me a little discouraged, but that's OK. There may be something else coming down the pike.

Or this may be it.

I promise to write more tomorrow. I think the bosses are out of the office again tomorrow, and I just have to do a little filing tomorrow. I should have time to write. And maybe do my nails. My manicure has taken hell with the whole home repair project. *sigh*

January 12, 2008

Look at this cute picture of my sweet pooch.

I went to put something in the bathroom, and when I came back, she was in my spot. Silly puppy. Hard to believe that she used to be this...

What happened to my tiny puppy with that sweet, fat belly? *sigh*

I went to the coast today. There's about 8 pounds of shrimp in my fridge and freezer. Tomorrow I will use what's in the fridge to make some jambalaya. Not sure what I'll do with what's in the freezer. I guess I'll just boil it...or I might make some New Orleans style BBQ shrimp. That sounds really good. That will make the house smell very pretty. I paid $2.50/pound for medium size shrimp, and the lady gave me about 8 pounds. I paid her $15. Not a bad exchange. If I'd gotten there earlier in the day, I could have gotten some of the really big jumbo shrimps. I may have to pick up more shrimp next weekend when I go down to get my hair did.

I drove Highway 90 all along the coast today. I was in search of shrimp, but it was an interesting ride. I can't remember if I'd ever been to Waveland/Pass Christian/Bay St. Louis before. It's still so sad to see the lack of progress along the coast. Lots that are cleared. A house here and there that is being rebuilt or has been rebuilt. The pace of recovery has been so slow. It's interesting, though, to see how people have chosen to rebuild. Some houses are on pilings. Others are not. I have to wonder about insurance rates for those who chose to not elevate their homes.

Got BBQ at The Shed. That is some fantastic stuff. Because I have this insatiable hunger right now, I managed to eat all of the baby back ribs, potato salad and cole slaw. I'm pretty sure I'll be getting the same thing when I go back down next weekend. So very good.

Because I was on the coast, I used the Barnes and Nobles gift card that Shan and Eric gave me for Christmas. I'm such a good shopper. $20 gift card...I spent $19.85. Heh. Got a new writer's notebook. They're cheaper at B&N than they are at Books-A-Million here in Hattiesburg. I suppose that I could go check out the B&N on the USM campus. I've yet to make a foray into that particular place on campus. I have preferred to not think about USM unless I've absolutely had to.

I think I'm going to have a date this coming week. Not really sure how I feel about it. He seems like a nice enough guy. Do you know how long it's been since I was on a first date? What am I going to wear? Actually, I think I at least that part of it covered. That's the least of my worries. Technically it's not going to be a first date. It's going to be an I-appreciate-your-support-and-this-is-how-I-show-my-appreciation type of thing. But you never know where things wind up.

January 11, 2008

Is it too much to ask for just a little something? Just a little? I guess so.

Feeling like a cocktail or smoking. Probably won't do either. Am tired, even though I took a 2 hour nap when I got home this afternoon, and will probably just go back to bed. Still starving. I have eaten too. This is not like my normal whinging that I'm hungry. It's a completely new experience.

I'm in a foul mood, and unfortunately, the poor dog is getting the brunt of it. She likes to put her head on my arm, and it drives me insane. Her head is heavy, much more so than you would think. I don't mind if she's at my feet. I don't mind if she's on top of my feet. I just don't want her on top of me. I never want her on top of me. It's probably best if we go back to bed.

January 9, 2008

I am so incredibly tired. And hungry. What's up with that? I could pass out right now and sleep deeply and contentedly until way past time to roll out the bed in the morning. I can't remember being this tired in a very long time. I haven't done anything to be tired either, so I'm not sure what it's all about.

Called about the other job today, and they said they're in the process of making the final determinations about who they want to call for interviews. They should be notifying those folks the end of this week, beginning of next. So. I am fully expecting to get one of those calls. I'm very well-qualified for the position, and I'm pretty sure I would be good at it. The only problem is that I may be viewed as "over-qualified", which would suck heartily, but I'm not going to worry about that. I'm going to get the call, I'm going to get the interview, and it's going to be fabulous. I have no doubts about this. (I'm practicing positive visualization. It might not get the phone to ring, but dammit, it's going to get me this job)

I will be taking all day off on Friday. It was only supposed to be the morning so that I could go to USM and do my work there. However, I was informed that my vacation time doesn't carry over, so I need to use the three days I have left from this past year.

I'm feeling a really strong need to run. I've been saying for a long time that I needed a day to run away and join the circus, but it's getting stronger. I don't know what I have to Saturday, but it might be a good time for me to do that. I actually do have an invitation to Birmingham this weekend, to meet up with an old...friend. I don't think that seeing him is in my best interest, though. I would like to, but there's only so much feeling foolish that I can take. I'm full up on that right now.

I might, though, find somewhere not too far away to run to. I'm actually thinking about going to the coast this weekend. Might take the chair and a blanket, perhaps a bottle of wine, sit on the beach somewhere and drink and write. Then pick up some shrimps for jambalaya. Maybe invite the SBC over for dinner. If we still do that. Need to call the MS Dad and ask him where he goes for shrimps and how much they are.

Gave that sweet doggie a bath tonight when I got home from work. She smells like Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea. She's such a good dog. I got lucky when I got her. Can you believe that she's been here almost a year?

January 8, 2008

Bad weather is coming. I can hear it rumbling outside. I should give up and take myself on to the bed because I'm really tired, but I do want to watch SVU tonight. Gotta love me some Elliot since my other favorite law enforcement type person is MIA. I take what I can get. *grin*

Good news on the part-time job front; I'm through to the next phase of the interview process for UoP. We'll see if they're impressed by the answers I provide to the questions they've asked.

Hillary Clinton has won New Hampshire. That is interesting. Wow. Yesterday people were talking about a double-digit loss to Obama, with Edwards coming in second. Didn't quite shake out that way. Wonder what happened and what went wrong or as the case may be right. I don't think that I want to vote for Hillary.

It's interesting being a liberal folk down here among conservatives. I was asked today who I thought I might vote for, and because of the person who asked me, I really felt like I should hem and haw a bit, offer apologies, etc. Strange.

Y'all know that I have issues. Lots of them. In particular I'm thinking (again) about believing people when I shouldn't. Or not paying attention to signs when I should. I don't want to be foolish. I really don't want to be foolish. I want to trust people and I want to be my exuberant, irrepressible self and have that appreciated. Maybe a little piece of me wants that returned and if not returned or appreciated at least acknowledged. I need very little, I think. But I do need to feel secure. Word needs to match deed; I need to know that the rules of the game haven't changed on me. Kinda missing that right now.

Regular readers of this space know that needing that security is something that I have long struggled with. It would be nice if I could just go to bed and the next morning wake up and have this thing down pat. I suppose that it comes down to the idea that I have a hard time knowing when people are lying to me. I'm not really as smart as I pretend to be, and I don't pick up on things as quickly as I should. That's it...I feel stupid. I feel stupid every time I reach out.

I don't like feeling stupid.

January 7, 2008

Listened to the audio of this NPR piece this morning, and I'm still working over what I think about it. (You can listen to it at the link provided) I've always had a really difficult time with this idea of "sisterhood"; that just because you're a woman I somehow owe you something. Or just because I'm a woman, you somehow owe me something. I can agree that because I am not black, I will never be able to know what the effects of centuries of institutionalized racism have been and to some extent continue to be. I just don't know that I owe anyone anything more than to consider her (or him as the case may) be as an individual before me, someone I work with and respect as a human being. I don't know that anyone else's success (or lack thereof) is my responsibility. I also suppose that niggling somewhere in the back of my mind is a rebellion of some sort against the notion of "white guilt". Like I didn't do it, it's not my fault, I shouldn't pay for it.

On the other hand, though, I do believe that part of the problem with our society is that we don't help each other enough. We have this sink or swim mentality and that we have to do it on our own. We should be independent and self-sufficient, relying on no one but ourselves and the determination of our dreams. I'm not sure that's what we were founded on. I don't know that our country would have made it if we had all clung steadfastly to that notion of individualism.

Kinda contradictory thoughts, eh? I suppose that is to be expected from me, no?

It was a long, gross day at work. I spent most of it making copies and then pulling staples out of those copies. Somehow managed to wind up with a part of heavy duty staple in my finger. I have no idea how that happened. I just noticed it when my finger started hurting. Didn't get a lunch so I left at 4:00. Because I had to go by the post office, I'm going to mark my timesheet at 4:30.

Anyone watching The Daily Show. Jon Stewart does not appear to support the Writer's Guild. Interesting. I don't really know the nuts and bolts of the situation, btu I don't know if the writers are going to get their way. The Golden Globes have now officially been cancelled and while I didn't watch them to begin with, it seems like a lot of other people are beginning to suffer because the writers are on strike. I suppose that's part of the logic of going on strike...those other people who are affected by the strike will put pressure on groups to get things taken care of. I don't know if it really works that way or not. I think that after a time, it gets to be onerous for those who are affected and resentment begins to build. Maybe.

I guess that's all I got for the non. My shoulder is still killing me, and my hip is still a little sore.

January 6, 2008

I'm watching LA Ink. I really want another tattoo. Really. I won't though. I am poor and a good one is expensive. I really like the boy's tattoo. Very sexy. I'm pretty sure that I know what I want and where I want to get it. The problem becomes an issue of scale and tying it in to work I've already got. Not that every thing has to go together, but if there was some sort of flow, that would be great.

My head is killing me. I'm pretty sure that's because of the change of weather. It's muggy and hot outside today. The puppy and I walked to work so I could get a few things done (stayed about four hours), and we were both sweaty by the time we got there and back. Well, maybe she wasn't sweaty. I was.

I have to go drop off the rent check. I hate paying bills.

Talked with a friend last night, and I can't help but feel awfully for all the things that are happening to her. We have these plans for our lives, and we do all the things that we can to make sure that those plans come to fruition. Unfortunately (or fortunately as the case may be) we're not islands and our plans often aren't wholly dependent upon the choices that we make. Every person that comes into our lives has the potential to change the direction we're headed. Some times it's just a temporary diversion, a detour that takes us around a hazard, and then we're back on the path. Lots of times, though, it's not that easy. Particularly if we get off course before we realize that's what happened...and when you're so far off the path, how do begin to find your way back? How do you light the path and get yourself on course?

It's hard to watch people that you love go through those things, and it probably puts the things that I'm going through in perspective.

Seems like I was on the phone forever this weekend. Talked to a bunch of folks. Sometimes I forget that the phone can be used to talk to someone rather than just text them.

January 5, 2008

For some stupid reason, I'm watching the ABC/Facebook Republican debate. I haven't watched a debate in quite awhile because frankly, at this stage of the game, I'm not sure that listening to them talk at and over each other is the best plan. They don't really talk about much in sound bytes. It's hard to get a very good feel for them because there's really not enough time. I'm pretty sure that the only way to get to that is to actually go out and search out platforms on your own. The internet has made that extremely easy. I should get on it, shouldn't I?

Had two rough exchanges in stores today. Both times had my receipt. One I wanted my money back, the other I wanted to do an exchange. At Ross I didn't like the sweater once I got it home. Couldn't find the tags because I'd pulled them off, but I had the receipt. There were two items on the receipt. A candle and a heather, v-necked ribbed sweater. Go to the store and the cashier says, well how do I know which one of these was the sweater and how do I know you bought it at Ross? Ummmmm...ok. You could look at the receipt and see that one item is a candle and the other is a SWEATER. I'm brining you a sweater. As for whether I bought it here, I can go and get you one exactly like it in just a second. *sigh* And then at Lane Bryant, they were going to make me "pay the difference" for two bras that I wanted to exchange. I had the Sner's receipt. Both bras I was exchanging were $34 each. The two I wanted to exchange them for were $34 and $32 but because there was a discount and Sner used a coupon provided by the store. They wanted to give me credit for the price that the Sner actually paid and for the exchange I would have had to make up the difference. Ummmm...no. The girl told me that she didn't how to make it come out right and I told her that I could wait until she did because I wasn't paying for the difference, particularly since the bras were on sale then and were on sale currently.

Wow...Hillary Clinton just totally lost her cool in the debate when talking about health care. She was controlled about it, but you could tell she was PISSED. Makes you believe everything they say about her.

I think I've decided to stop wearing panties. Unless of course it's an exigent circumstance. Panties are expensive considering what they are. I was at Lane Bryant and briefly thought that it might be a good idea to pick panties to match those lovely new bras I was getting, but when I looked at the price tag, I kept on looking. $12. For some lace and satin? It's difficult to justify that price. And even just plain ones, on clearance--5 for $25...when I just paid $7 for a sweater at Ross? That's ridiculous. So to protest...I think I'm just not going to wear them anymore. *grin*

Read this article this evening and thought it was an interesting discussion to have. If it's not OK to objectify women, what are we doing drooling over men? The empowering bit is a little off the mark, I think. I can enjoy looking at something but that doesn't mean that I've given up my power to that something.

I hear y'all out west got some weather. Sner said there was a buttload of snow at the house with more coming down. Amber said there was a ton at their place and Nate was working on the tractor to make sure that their driveway was clear before more came down. I'm also feeling bad for those poor folks in Fernley with the canal break. I wonder if Linda is affected? I hope not. I know none of those folks had flood insurance, so they're all going to be screwed when it comes to clean up and rehabilitation.

I feel like someone needs to rub my shoulders. They're all knotty. Hurts. Little stressed out, I guess. *sigh* Maybe the next time I see the boy he'll help with that. Actually, my arthritic hip is killing me too.

Anyway. I'm going to go to bed. I can't think of anything else to say tonight, and I've been tired all day long.

January 4, 2008

I didn't write anything yesterday because I went out with friends and then the boy came over. This is just a test. Nevermind me.

January 3, 2008

Still way, way cold. Just took the puppy for a walk, and she was very quick to do her business. Because it's cold. While I think I said this during the last Great Freeze, I'm pretty sure I know who families back in the day had so many freakin' kids. It wasn't to work the fields like history tells us. That was a convenient cover because they can't very well talk about sex in the elementary school history book, can they?

"In a largely agrian culture, large families were a necessity if a family wanted to be sufficient through its farming endeavours; however, as another matter of necessity, large families often were the product of the need to create body during frigid evenings. Without sex, people may have frozen to death. Due to the limited availability of reliable methods of birth control, hot, crazy monkey sex often led to broods of crazy little monkeys."

(Ok, so I got off on a tangent there. I'm cold. It's not my best writing)

I'm telling you, though, that it was about the shared body heat and friction that sex produces. If the boy weren't doing paperwork, I'd be sending him the come hither message. Not for the sex you see. Just for the keeping warm.

I think I'm actually going to go to bed here soon. I'm tired. Still sad. And cold. Sleeping sounds about like the smartest thing I can do.

It appears that Obama and Huckabee have won the Iowa caucuses. I don't know much about Huckabee. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about Obama. I think awhile back I decided that I liked Edwards best. If he didn't come in 2nd, he's in trouble, and honestly, I think he's been in trouble for a very long time. Which means I need to investigate other options.

OK. Not going to bed. Going for a drive. Upset. Even though oil is at $100/barrel.

 

January 2, 2008

It's cold here. I know that for y'all in other places of the world, my whinging about it being cold here is funny. However, it didn't break 40 here. It's gonna be a hard freeze tonight, getting down to 14. That's cold for Hattiesburg. I'm not sure that I remember it being that cold here before. I have to remember to let the faucets drip tonight. I can so not afford to replace pipes.

I hear that Reno is going to be getting some serious weather. Looks like my teacher friends might could be looking forward to a day off. Except y'all aren't back in school yet are you? Could this be like last year? The year before last? When you were out forever and three days? Was that y'all? Or was that in Missouri? Hmmmmmm...I must be getting old.

I'm about fit to be tied and wish I could tell y'all about it, but that's part of the deal. I can't talk about what I'm doing. I'm pretty excited about it, though.

Read an interesting article about Britney Spears today. Not about her trainwreck of a life, but artistic merit, hallmark of culture, etc. I thought it was some food for thought. I'm pretty sure that there are some folks who will have an apoplexy at the comparison of Britney and Elvis, but there it is. Heh.

It looks like mutiny is fermenting at work. One of the guys who has been there for 20 years asked me today if I knew were the personnel files were kept because he's angry about the bonuses and angry that he hasn't had a raise in 5 years. They asked Kathy to come back fulltime, and she's going to tell them that she doesn't even want to be there parttime anymore. She's disgusted. I need to make a couple of calls this week and see where things stand.

Oil is at $100 per barrel. It's getting more expensive to live and wages aren't going up any time soon. Something has to give, and I'm not sure what it is. How in the heck did we get to this point?

Still sad. That's OK, though. I'm thinking that in three weeks I'm going camping. Hopefully it won't be so incredibly cold then. The dog will have her coat by then if it is, so she'll be fine. I'll have to get a new air mattress before then since mine is dead.

January 1, 2008

It's the first day of the new year, a fresh start, a new beginning. I was going along fine until just a few moments ago, and now it's like the world is going to end. Long story, don't want to talk about it. Would rather go to bed and cry...and if I'd rather cry, you know it's ugly.

I've tried to do everything I was supposed to do today to ensure a prosperous new year. Everything except having someone else be the first one across the threshold. The one I would have liked to have fulfilled that duty wasn't available. It's killed me to not be able to do laundry, though. Good grief. It's sitting there on the floor in front of the washer, just staring at me. Daring me to do something about it. Funny how laundry never speaks to you unless you can't do something about it. Then again, maybe I'm the only person in the world that laundry talks to. That could be the case.

The puppy and I went for a couple of walks today. We're getting ready. She was freezing to death. Could really have used that jacket her grandSner was going to send her.

We were at Beth and Mark's last night. Had a good time. The party was not as grand as it was originally billed because for various reasons, lots of people failed to show up. As Beth said, that's OK; the important folks showed up. Jamie is always a little crazy, but last night she was even more so. For some reason, she was all about taking some pictures. We'd be in the middle of doing something and all of the sudden we'd have to go take pictures. That's OK, though, because I did get some really good pictures out of the deal.

I think in the second one I look like I'm dead. I keep thinking "cadaver". Then again, I could be screwy. That's always a good possibility. I really like the third picture. There were lots of boys who missed out on quite a bit last night...because I was beautiful. The girl with me in the third picture is my friend Suzy. She's in the Jaycees with me.

Finally, FINALLY (did I say FINALLY) got to see the boy, who apparently does not care for his moniker, Sunday night. It was good to see him. Really good. Some interesting moments in there. Reserving the right to say nothing about them right this minute. Have been interesting moments since then as well.

Read an article in the LAT about forgiveness. It was an interesting read. I'm a big believer in the power of forgiveness, and I have forgiven some things that I think are pretty difficult. Other things I'm not so good at letting go of. I really wish I could just shed it, let it go, allow it to no longer hurt me, but when it's something that is ongoing, I don't know how to make it work. The part that I found most intresting in that article was the part about women who can't forgive themselves. I'm so very guilty of that. I am still replaying things that happened not only days and weeks and months ago, but YEARS ago. Shit that happened in high school, conversations I had with Dax, etc. And I'm still beating myself up about it.

The thing I am most afraid of in this life is being a fool. That's part of my problem with the boy, part of my problem with the dissertation, part of my problem with everything really. I don't want to be wrong or to be taken in by something when I should have clearly seen that it was off in the first place. It can be paralyzing, and I think that's why I have such a hard time forgiving myself. Like I should have known better but was too stupid to figure it out.

Have you seen the news about the doubts starting to surface as to the cause of Bhutto's death? I can't find the link to the article now but there was something about the doctors in the hospital disputing the official version of her death. Interesting that the family refused to let an autoposy be performed. Cynically I have to wonder if that was done to partially help the whole "martyr" image that is being fermented...although I'm not sure that such steps would have been needed. Given her popularity, I think she was going to have that label regardless.

Talked to the GrandSner this afternoon while I was walking the dog. She sounded good. I really should call more often. I realized when I was talking to her that I forgot to call her on Christmas. I'm a bad, bad grand-daughter. I also forgot to call Uncle Steve. But that's because I've lost his cell phone number and I didn't want to call the house. (Sorry but it's true. I may burn in hell for that, but there it is)

I need to go to bed.