February 28, 2010

Evening Update

I should be writing but I am paralyzed. Seriously. Can't start, can't even think about it. My mind hits it and then skitters away.

I haven't heard anything since Tuesday, which is when I got terrible news. So I'm so very concerned. I try to think that no news is good news, but at the same time, I'm just nervous. I should email, but I don't want to. I don't want to face it.

I think that part of the reason why I don't want to do any writing because if the news is bad, then I don't want to have wasted my time.

Tomorrow, though. I will work. I've got so much to do during work. But I'm at school tomorrow and Tuesday from 3-6 (we're making up parent teacher conference day which was snowed out...it's an extra pay day). I'll be working dissertation stuff during that time. Just gonna tell Cindy to leave me be so I can get it done. I actually think that there won't be too much problem getting all those pages that need to be added. I don't know why I'm not doing it. I really don't.

I'm a terrible procrastinator. I do this to myself, and I don't know why. The pressure that results, the stress...it's not good for me. But I do it to myself.

I did staff development all day yesterday. Was up late Friday night preparing for it, woke up early to work on it. When I got home last night, I had a terrible headache, and I couldn't get warm. Literally shivering. Took some Nyquil and woke up at 6:00, totally and completely panicked that I'd missed work. It took me awhile to come out of the fog and realize what was going on. Took my doggie out, fed her and crawled back in bed until about 11. Still achey. Still cold. Did my run (it sucked; had to chase three little girls out of the fitness center). Then my poor doggie was just sitting, staring out the french doors. She growled at me this morning. So we went for a walk. Because it had been so long, she walked like she had never been on a leash before. *sigh* Makes sense given how long it's been since we've done that.

Did y'all hear about the high school in Rhode Island where all the teachers were fired? That kills me. Yes there are teachers that need to be fired. Yes many schools could be doing better. Yes there are better and worse teaching practices. Yes we need to do better by students. But there are good teachers in that school. I know it. Just like there were all those good teachers at my school, even though it was the dumping ground for both students and staff. THEY are there, and they don't deserve to be lumped in with those who couldn't get it together.

The other thing that ticks me off is that you can't get students to high school with a 7% proficiency in math if something is or isn't happening in lower grades. Systemic problems are indicated there, and you can't get at fixing those systemic problems if you start with the end product. What is going on systemically in that school district? Who at the top has lost their job because they've allowed a school to get into that kind of shape?

Going to bed. Gotta get up tomorrow and get things done.

February 19, 2010

Evening Update

I am exhausted. I had plans for tonight...was thinking about going to the movies. Maybe reading a book. Or starting the cleaning. But that's not going to happen. I think I might shortly be bound for the bed. I really am exhausted. It's like I could just lay down and sleep forever.

Tomorrow there's a ton of stuff to get done. I've got to head to the Wal-Marts for a few things that I couldn't find at Meijer tonight. Then it's off to the AutoZone for some carb cleaner and a throttle body gasket. Since no one told me that they didn't think I couldn't clean out the EGR Port, which will require the removal of the manifold, I'm going to go ahead and give it awhirl. I have no idea if I can do it. The directions seem pretty straight-forward. I just don't know if I have enough strength to get the bolts loosened. I'm gonna try, though.

After I do that (whether it succeeds or fails), it's off to the dogwash for the puppy. She stinks to high Heaven. I'm a little worried about whether I'm going to be able to get her into the tub at the dog wash. She doesn't like it, and she's huge. I know I can't get her into the tub here at the house. She's too big for me to wrestle with. She'll go, don't get me wrong, because she's a good doggie. But struggle with it isn't good for my shoulder.

I slipped and fell on the ice this morning, catching myself on the right side, so my shoulder is screaming right now. I'm icing it now.

Think I found a Derby hat this evening when I was at TJ Maxx. It's that lovely turquoise color. Only $30. Of course, that's the only dress I would ever be able to wear that hat with. Not that I'd ever wear the hat anywhere else anyway. If I pick up the hat, then I just have to find a turquoise wedge sandal to go with it. That shouldn't be all that difficult, particularly as spring gets closer.

I also have to run tomorrow. I've finished the first two weeks of the Couch-to-5K program, which means that tomorow I'll be doubling the amount of time that I'm actually running. Now, that sounds impressive until you realize that I've only been runing for 90 second stretches and then getting to walk. Tomorrow it's 90 seconds on, walk, 3 minutes, walk. Not so bad, I suppose. I didn't actually want to run yesterday, but I was glad that I did it once it was under way. I actually had a really good run yesterday. It felt good the whole time. I didn't have all the shin splints problems that I typically have. I hope tomorrow is as successful. Have I mentioned that I need to buy shoes and new sports bras? *sigh*

I'm tired, and I need to go to bed.

February 17, 2010

Evening Update

Well folks. For good or ill, I've rolled the dice and joined this game. I'm going to believe in the power of positive thought and confidence. This will be OK. I will make it through this process too. There may be some discomfort and some upset, but in the end, it will be the thing I want it to be. I will be successful with this.

However, in the meantime, if you wouldn't mind...think some thoughts, lights some candles, say some prayers, I would be ever so grateful.

I've been wondering what exactly I should do with myself tonight. I know I need to clean my house. It has suffered terribly during the last couple of weeks, but I think I'm going to wait until tomorrow night to really tackle that. It needs doing, yes. It will be done, absolutely. I just don't want to start tonight...although I did just a little. I did dishes, put things away in the kitchen, and I wiped down the counters. I think maybe tomorrow night I'll tackle sweeping, vacuuming, and mopping. This weekend, it'll be putting things away and really digging in to some deep cleaning.

Well...on top of cleaning out that port on the car. I'm hoping that the rain (or snow) holds off, and I can get that done this weekend. I suppose I'll get up early on Saturday and see about getting that over with. Confidence and positive thoughts, eh?

February 14, 2010

Evening Update

It's Valentine's Day, and I suppose that this has been a good one. I spent the day not doing what I needed to do, which means that it's a GREAT thing that we have a snow day tomorrow, and if the weatherman is to be believed, we may have another one on Tuesday. They're saying the biggest weather-maker that we've had so far this winter. They're saying a grand total of 6-9 inches for the three day total. All good for me. However, the snow day means that I could have theoretically gone home and spent the day with my Valentine...who had today off as well. I could have spent all day yesterday working on my dissertation (and Beth would have made me), leaving today free for Love.

Got up and made myself a decent breakfast, had coffee and had a lazy day. Spent some time putting the finishing touches on Valentine's pressies for Matt.

Tomorrow will need to be all business. I've got to get up, get my run in, and finish work on my proposal. The only really good thing about this weekend is that my editor (thanks Deb!) says my chapter two is fine, in her opinion. That's good with me. I just need to do a few cosmetic things, and it's good to go.

It's going to be OK, it's going to be OK, it's going to be OK. Y'all just keep reminding me of that. Please.

I need to order some photo prints tomorrow too. I'm also hoping to get some good shots of the snow and the lake. Be warned...y'all are getting photos for pressies for the foreseeable future. I've meant to do it for a long time, but I'm now getting some pics that are ready for prime time. I'm also understanding the importance of getting the photo right when I take it versus relying on the ability to edit and crop a photo. I've taken some amazing shots but I can't do anything with them because they can't be enlarged. THAT sucks.

For folks who are thinking about a graduation pressie, a digital SLR would be great.

Talked to my Sner this weekend, and apparently, my GrandSner is losing her mind. She is my remaining grandparent. When she is gone, either psychologically or physically, there will be none of them left. When I look at my life, I'm not sure that this is the place that I wanted to be and the idea that GrandSner is leaving this world...either physically or metaphorically...causes me to stop and consider exactly where I am and what I'm doing. I had planned to go see GrandSner at Easter, the beginning of my spring break, but now I think I might want to try to go earlier. I don't know what my budget looks like (it's been pretty shitty lately), but I might go home before then. I'll be in MS for a weekend before the end of March, which emans I won't have to spend the weekend working on a dissertation. I need to fix the car and buy tires before I contemplate an 8 hour drive, but...that's what I'm thinking.

Speaking of fixing the car...do y'all think I can take the manifold off my car and successfully put it back on? I have a diagram. I have detailed instructions. What needs to be done involves simply removing the manifold and cleaning out a port. I've done quite a bit of reading, and there are several people who claim to be novices who have accomplished the task in a couple of hours. I think I have the tools. I need to check to be sure, and I guess test a few bolts to see if I can even do it. I'm pretty sure I can.

Anyway. I'm sad and tired and need to get to bed.

February 12, 2010

Evening Update

This weekend will be spent putting the finishing touches on the proposal. It will get shipped out to Kinkos on Monday night and my friend's husband will pick it up to take it to the department office on Tuesday.

I am terribly worried. I'm afraid it's going to be too short, that my chair will think it's too thin. The only thing that saves me there is that there just isn't much research on this topic. I redid a few of the searches I'd done 4 years ago and came up with the same results. So there hasn't been anything done on this topic, and that's just fine with me. That's part of what I can say in rebuttal during a defense. If I get that far. I'm worried that there won't be enough time to even get that far. However.

I'm going to try to think positively. These people are interested and invested in seeing me succeed because if I don't...it reflects on them. They want me to get this done. So...I think they'll give me some leeway, and that makes me feel a little hopeful.

I've spent most of the day writhing in anxiety, struggling to breathe. I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I was going to ask about a couple of things that I didn't wind up even broaching. Made this appointment all about my shoulder; I'll schedule something for those other concerns in a couple of weeks. Speaking of a couple of weeks...I have an appointment on the 12th to see an orthopedic. At that point in time, my doctor thinks I'll probably be given a cortisone shot in my shoulder and then I'll start some sort of physical therapy to get my shoulder all taken care of. So. Yeah. That's where that stands.

I've completed Week One of the Couch-2-5K program. I need new shoes. Badly. I knew I was going to because mine have been hanging around for several years, and while I haven't run in them a whole lot, I've certainly walked in them. They are dead. I've found new ones online for about $80. Next pay day. I've also got to buy some new sports bras. Currently I'm wearing two, and while they're staying up where they belong, they like to bounce. Particularly with PMS, that hurts.

The actual running was OK. I was anticipating the ouch factor yesterday as I was running, and that made it difficult to get through those short sections. I'll be upping the running time tomorrow when I start the second week. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to run on the treadmill again (it's not the best treadmill) or if I'm going to take advantage of the time without snow to run outside with my doggie. Even though it'll be cold, I think that's probably the option I'm going to take. The doggie will appreciate it.

Speaking of the doggie, I noticed tonight that she's sprouting white hairs under her chin. My puppy isn't a puppy any more. Yes, I know she's three. But still. She's my puppy. Except she's not any more. Big dogs don't have the longest lifespans. 8-10 years? Makes me think about how much longer I have with her sweet self.

I got beautiful roses today at work. There's almost too many for the vase. I'm thinking about splitting them up in a couple of days (the instructions said to trim them again and change the water in 2 days). I have a couple of pictures that I think I'm going to do some prints of. I want to start printing off 5 x 7 and 8 x 10s, collecting mats and frames when I catch them on sale and start giving people photos for pressies.

 

February 7, 2010

Evening Update

Very little work done on my dissertation this weekend. Which sucks because I needed to finish it up.

I've been struggling the last several days. Talked to Beth Thursday night and she said that she just had to tell me that it was going to be hard to find a job. I knew that, but to hear it has kinda sent me into a funk. Here's the truth of the matter: I have to renew my lease by July 1. That means I have until the end of June to find a job. If I haven't found a job by the end of June, then I have to commit to staying here.

I think that would kill me. The only thing that at times has kept me together recently is the thought that it would soon be over. Five months, 18 Mondays, a week for spring break. All of that made it bearable. To think that it won't soon be over...Might as well go ahead and start taking the prozac now.

I don't know how to explain how soul-crushing it is to be stuck where you don't want to be. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if my job weren't so difficult. It's better this year, but it's still awful.

I also don't know how to handle a long-distance relationship for the next year, possibly two. The see-you-every-three-months-for-a-couple-of-days thing doesn't seem workable. When my biology is conspiring against me, I don't know how to reconcile the two. I don't know how to make it work.

The weather has been crappy, and I think it contributes to my funk. That and the fact it's February. I hate February almost as much as I hate December. It rained all day Friday and snowed yesterday. There have been flurries all day today, and tomorrow night, another storm is supposed to be coming through. They're talking about 3-6 inches of snow. That would be nice. I could use a snow day.

In order to deal with the stress, I started a Couch-to-5K program today. My plan is to run the Race for the Cure (run it, not walk it) in Indianapolis on April 17. The training program that I'm doing is a 9 week thing, so I have enough time to get it done. I had planned to run on the treadmill in the fitness center, but my key didn't work in the lock this morning. It's supposed to now, but I didn't test it. Instead, Cobbler and I went for our run/walk through the park and back. It was cold. Let me say it again...it was cold. 18 and snow flurries.We slipped a few times, but once I got past the whole cold thing, it was OK.

Was a little startled to find a homeless man camped in the cave on the hill. He was rolling his sleeping bag up on the picnic table in front of it and had a bag of bunny bread out there. I know I probably shouldn't have been, I was relieved to have Cobbler with me. There aren't boogeymen lurking around every corner, but my heart beat faster and I was anxious. He's part of the reason why we decided to come back along the lake rather than the roadway. I didn't want to be that close to him.

Friday night I picked up stuff to make several comfort foods for today, and while I could use the comfort and I made one of them, I'm not hungry for it. I made a pan of brownies because I figured that chocolate is always a good thing. There's ice cream in the freezer.

I'm watching the Super Bowl. I'd appreciate a Saints victory. I got dressed in the only Saints gear I have: a black t-shirt and jeans with a fleur de lis necklace and bracelet. I did my hair...first time I've used my straightener since Christmas. I also did my make-up. The only eyeshadow that I usually wear is something relatively neutral. I tend to feel overly made-up if I'm wearing eyeshadow. Plus it seems like another thing to have to do. Tonight since I'm wearing black, I decided to try a smokey eye. I have this palette of gray eyeshadows that I've never used. Have to say that I like the way it turned out. I didn't do it too heavily, and I could picture doing this for work. For going out, I'd go bolder. Thinking about getting a brown palette so I could diversify. I might understand now why Tina has so many different eyeshadows.

The Saints have won the Super Bowl. Wow. I think I need to drink more.