February 28, 2009

Early Morning Update

By early morning, I mean early morning. It's about midnight-thirty. I came home from work early today. Feel like hell. It's getting worse. Since there's no one here to make me soup, I suppose I'm going to go to the store tomorrow and gather up the ingredients necessary for making some hearty, healing chicken soup.

It is apropos, I suppose, that I feel like shit, physically, because I feel like shit emotionally. Today, the 28th, marks 9 years essentially alone. It's not that I miss *him*. He is inconsequential to what I feel right now. It's that I remain alone, which triggers all of those issues I have and try to keep under control, failing miserably at just now. Inferiority complex, abandonment issues, all of them rising to the fore.

I know all of the lines that people say to help others feel about the situation. The problem is that I've been saying them and hearing them now for almost a decade, and while they sound nice in theory, there are lots of lovely women in the world who are fabulous and beautiful and everything a man might want...and they're still alone.

I've been listening to Kasey Chambers this evening/morning She has an awful voice, but the lyrics are fitting.

 

I've much to do tomorrow, so I suppose I should go to bed. On my list tomorrow:

I think that's probably it for tomorrow, considering that I will probably only get about half of it done. *sigh*

February 26, 2009

Evening Update

I am very tired. And very ill. There's a cold front coming through, which means that my head is all messed up. Wasn't quite sure that I was going to make it home. But I did, and I took myself off to bed. I was up for a little while, and then I went back to bed. Or I tried to go back to bed. Didn't quite work.

Apparently the idiot who likes to scream at his children and blare the stereo/television actually lives below me. At 11:00 last night, I'd had it. I got dressed and went looking so I could knock on a door and tell the fucker to turn it down. I thought it was the apartment behind me, but when I went to the door, I couldn't hear anything. It just so happened that when I was coming back outside, one of the girls who works in the office was on her way to her apartment. Keep in mind it was 11 at night. I stopped her and asked her what I should I do. she apparently knew exactly who I was talking about and said she'd call the courtesy officer.

I wasn't back in the apartment two minutes before the volume got turned way down. I was asleep within about ten minutes.

It was a long day, and I'm not feeling any better today than I did yesterday. I should have come home and gone straight to bed, but as ill as I am feeling (off balance and shakey in addition to the sore throat, swollen glands, and alternatingly stuffy and runny nose), I wasn't tired.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Sherian's death. I sent Shan a card, but I don't know if it will get to her.

In spite of being sick, I'm feeling pretty self-destructive this evening. I suppose maybe it's a good thing that I've given up liquor for Lent. Which I don't observe. Whatever.

It looks like the month of June will be mine for traveling. This is my plan: go to Colorado and see Shan. Take a detour to Yellowstone. Go home to see the Sner. Take a detour to Yosemite. Go to Mississippi. Detour to the Grand Canyon.

Work on dissertation in there.

This episode of Gray's is a rerun. That means I need to shut it down and go to bed.

Or I need to go for a short drive. That might be a better idea.

February 24, 2009

Evening Update

Even though I don't observe Lent, I've decided that I'm giving up hard liquor for Lent. That means that from now until Easter, all I can drink is wine and beer. The gin and rum and whiskey I have here in the house are off limits. Funny because I don't believe in god but I'm observing Lent. Huh. Strange.

Talked to the boy tonight "Are you mad at me?" Ummmm...what do you think? *sigh*

Boys are dumb.

Thinking about getting a small tattoo when I'm in DC. Maybe an iris. Where to put it, though. I know where Yggdrasil is going, and anything else might screw up the balance. But getting a tattoo would give me something to do at night since Matt isn't going with me.

Had a packzi for breakfast this morning. It's no King Cake, I tell ya. It's a jely donut. I don't care what they call it. It's a jelly donut, and I don't like jelly donuts. I should have known better but I was fooled by the "richer dough" bit. Don't buy it; it's bullshit.

Today was Mardi Gras. I wish I was in Biloxi. If I'm here next year, I think this Monday and Tuesday will have to be personal days so I can go "home" for the party.

I need to go to bed. Gotta straighten my hairs in the morning.

February 23, 2009

Evening Update

I am intoxicated. I did not mean to get intoxicated, but there it is. I made a martini to have with my dinner, and even though I ate the dinner, I am fucked up. It was a hearty dinner too. Twice baked potato and boneless, skinless chicken breast in an artichoke/black olive/wine reduction. Dee-runk.

Today as I was writing out yet another card to send to yet another friend who was going through some rough time with whatever, it hit me that I'm tired of being a good friend. I'm tired of being dependable and reliable and always there. I'm tired of being thoughtful and considerate and supportive. I'm tired of being the kind of friend I want. I'm tired of investing the emotional currency in other people and getting no return. I'm tired of trying.

I'm just tired.

I think maybe I should see about a weekend away. There are lots of state parks in Kentucky with lodges. Wonder what a night would cost. And if I could take my baby. Cuz I'm not ready to camp. Need to call about my cracked pole.

I should go to bed. It's late and I'm grouchy. Sorry y'all.

February 22, 2009

Evening Update

I think I must have stimulated the economy all by myself this weekend. Good lord. Shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping. And I didn't even get around to looking at laptops or beds for the spare room.

I am ready to make coffee in the morning, though, so that is a bonus. It took me until today to find all of what I was looking for, but I got it. Yesterday I found a red porcelain tea kettle at TJ Maxx for $20 (saw it at Target for $30). I bought a pound of coffee beans and did the coarse grind. I then had to search all over Louisville for a coffee press. A month ago, there was a ton of them at Marshalls. Yesterday, there was nothing. I couldn't find them at places like Wal-Mart or Target or Meijer. I was going to go to Starbucks as a last resort, but finally found one (there was only one) at Marshalls on Dixie Highway. *sigh*

I also picked up a thermos. Instead of a new travel mug. I'll just take a coffee cup to work. It was on clearance at Meijer for $6.25. Originally $25. So, that's good.

I spent a lot of time this weekend looking for a big purse. I'm not a big purse kind of girl. If I carry one at all, I like it to be small and compact. I don't want to carry a lot of shit with me. But. I need a big purse to haul all of my things around DC without making me look like a tourist. I need something to hold the camera, my wallet, my writer's notebook, the guidebook with the map, the other guidebook that has the things I should see, some pens, some lipstick, some lipgloss, maybe some snacks, maybe a small bottle of water. I'm a cheapskate. I found one that I think would have worked, one of those Kathy Z purses? that Beth has several of, but I didn't want to pay $50 for it. So, I found a Nine West purse that I think will work. I don't know if it's big enough, or if it'll be comfortable to carry. I figure I'll try it out this week and see what I think about it.

I still need to find a pair of comfy shoes.

I also need to take a pill so I can get to sleep tonight, although it is getting awfully late for that, isn't it?

Went out last night with a colleague. I have to say, that I was smokin' hot. I don't very often do my hair curly because most of the time it doesn't really cooperate with me and winds up more frizzy than curly. Last night, it was on, though. Think I'll tempt fate and try it that way again tomorrow. We met up around 9:30 and were out until almost 3. Good time. She said she'd be happy to keep my sweet doggie for me while I was gone on Spring Break. I think I'll take her up on that. Besides it being cheaper than boarding her, she'd be with someone that will give her love AND she has a doggie the same age and size as Cob. Win-win, I think.

Speaking of Cob, she's been pretty rotten the last couple of days. She's chewed up two pairs of socks, my mittens, and a couple of other things. She's never done this before. We had that one episode of chewing when she was a tiny puppy, but nothing since then. *sigh* Whatever is going on, she needs to knock that shit off. So not happy with her right now.

For all of you who are wondering (and I know that it's all of you!), my indoor composting bin is apparently working the way it's supposed to. I added a little to it this weekend and stirred it. It's smelling a little like apples right now because I added apple cores to it. The inside of the bucket is sweating. I added another layer of newspaper to it. The stuff isn't quite decomposing as fast as I thought that it would, but that's OK. I think if there were some heat, it would better. When I was shopping for my coffee press this weekend, I came across some small compost bins with charcoal filters. $20 each. Certainly prettier than what I have, but mine's cheaper. I was going to buy two new pots for the two new plants I have, but I didn't get that far. I will get that done this week. Everything has been watered, though. Seems to be doing OK.

I'm watching the Oscars, and I really should be in the bed.

I went ahead and did my St. Patrick's cards. I still have about five to finish up. And that means that there are 32 of them done and ready to mail.

Mardi Gras is Tuesday. I really wish I was home for it. With as Catholic as this area is, no real celebration of it. Sad. Very sad.

Anyway. I am tired. I must be up in a few short hours and there is much to do at work tomorrow. So. I have to get to bed.

February 20, 2009

Evening Update

I am home on a Friday night. I was out earlier, but I am tired. So, I've come home and done a little cleaning. I need to do more, but I don't know if that's going to happen tonight. I need to have some dinner because I'm starving, but I don't know what there is in this place to eat that will warm me up.

I picked up the St. Patrick's Day cards tonight on the way home. I bought the stamps for them. I've taken them out of the packages. But I don't really feel much like writing them. I've been sending them for four years. I don't know if I see much of a point. Regardless, there won't be as many of them going out as have in the past.

Tomorrow I need to buy a coffee pot or whatever it is that I'm going to do for coffee. And I need to swing by some thrift/antique stores/flea markets. I need a lamp for the bedroom, in addition to couple of small baskets and some sort of night stand for the other side of the bed. I foresee tomorrow being a lot of shopping. *sigh* Gotta start looking for a bed for the spare room. Need a purse for spring break.

Gonna find something to eat and go to bed.

February 19, 2009

Evening Update

Inspired by an email Shan sent me:

Matt does not have to have surgery; just six weeks of physical therapy. Which is really good news. But he still won't be able to make the DC trip.

I submitted a rather scathing review to the journal that I periodically review for. The manuscript was truly terrible.

Two police officers have been shot in a neighboring town. The suspect is still at large. I feel a little sick. I am reminded of the year after X left...I was driving to work, going to put my classroom before school started. On the radio, there was breaking news about Officer Bohach.  I had to pull over. I was so worried that it was X. As badly as things ended, I knew then that the world would be a lesser place if he wasn't in it. Just like those families who are waiting at the hospital know that the world will be a leser place without their brother/father/husband/lover/friend.

When I know The Boy is working, I always ask him to please be careful. I think maybe it irritates him. I don't know personally how easy it can all go wrong, but I've heard enough stories. As X used to say...there's always someone bigger, faster, stronger, meaner or with nothing to lose. And I worry.

My abandonment issues (you cannot begin to imagine how stupid I feel for having typed that, but after years of wrestling with the idea, I'm forced to admit that's exactly what they are) are terribly, awfully rearing their heads and have been for awhile now. Paradoxically, I am further isolating. I suppose it's not so paradoxical. You don't keep people close, then they can't leave you.

I go through this periodically, but it is perhaps worse than it has been for a very long time. It will be better eventually. This is one thing I know. It is always eventually better. It is the meantime that is always the most difficult.

I don't want to talk about it. It is what it is. And that's all there is to it.

Ice cream and brownies await me. So. I'm going to have some and go to bed with my doggie.

February 18, 2009

Evening Update

Going to bake brownies, eat one with ice cream, and go to bed.  

February 17, 2009

Evening Update

I feel like I can't do anything right. I know that's not right because it things appear to finally be coming together. But it feels like everything is wrong.

So. I'm gonna finish this drink, take something and go to bed.

February 16, 2009

Late Evening Update

I got a text message from a colleague tonight that asked if it was a bad thing that his nightly routine included a double whiskey and he planned his dinner around it. I told him no, but then again, I considered a martini a perfectly acceptable appetizer. Or dinner.

Another of my colleagues told me that she would bring me a coffee pot tomorrow. Apparently her husband uses the expensive pod thing that only makes one cup at a time and she doesn't drink coffee. So there are a couple of coffee pots rattling around her house. That means that not tomorrow morning but the morning after, I can have coffee here at the house again.

I think I'm finally losing my thumb nail. Recall that way back in October? I caught it in the paper cutter at school. Well. This past week, a crack developed in my polish, and I thought I'd just caught my thumb in something again. Today the polish started to flake off around that crack, and I noticed there's actually a hole in the nail. I suppose when I get them done this weekend, I'll find out what's what. I'd prefer to get the thing removed, but at the same time, I don't want to have half a nail hanging out there. Wonder if they could attach a tip or something to it, although I really wouldn't want that to happen because a tip would weaken the nail. Maybe just an overlay? I don't know. Either way it sucks. It may be silly, but I take some pride in my nails.

Anyway. It's late. I'm tired and slightly intoxicated. I didn't sleep but about an hour last night. I need to go to bed.

Did I tell you that I bought two new plants tonight? A big sago palm (on sale for $5...originally 7x that) and a HUGE split leaf philodendron. Will repot them this weekend because I need bigger pots than what I have let here at the house.

Afternoon Update

I guess all in all, it hasn't been that bad of a day. I am tired, though. I spent the night tossing and turning, only really fell asleep after the alarm went off. And then I slept for almost an hour longer than I should have. *sigh* I'm not sure what woke me up, but praise jesus that it did.

There was a moment earlier in the day. About had a heartattack. It's funny how people think that they're more important than they really are. They're really just cogs and wheels in the machine. And even if you're a wheel on some level, when it comes right down to it, you're still just a cog. There's a million of you doing the same thing, and an ego check is sometimes in order. It's not someone else's job to do your job for you.

It's funny, though. The indignation cracks me up. Not that I haven't been there, but I try to remember who and what I am and modulate those impulses.

I suppose that it was a good thing, though, because it gave me an opportunity to have a conversation. It was a good conversation. Lasted much longer than I thought it was going to, and I felt good when it was over.

In other news, Matt has to have surgery. I'm pretty sure that means he won't be coming to DC with me. I won't lie and say that I'm not disappointed because I am. But there's a bigger picture, and if that means that he'll be better and not in pain, so be it. It's only money, and when compared to health, that's a no-brainer.

On that front, I think I've found a kennel to board my sweet doggie. Looks like a nice place, and I think she'll be happy there. I need to call them and find out if they have room, and while the pictures are nice, I need to drop by and check it out.

So, one of the things I've been thinking about and meaning to write about is friendship. I've recently had someone pretty much disappear from my life, and after a recent incident, I'm just fine with that. However, I have to say that it was confusing to me over Christmas break. If I'd been a bitch to her, I might more easily understand why she all of the sudden wouldn't speak to me. But I don't remember being a bitch to *her*. I suppose that I know why the change happened, and I suppose that I should have expected it. If someone is willing to play both ends against the middle, then eventually they'll be willing to go right on over the edge. The funny thing is...I wonder if the other person ever feels a pit in her stomach, wondering when she's going to be the next one left out in the cold? What's the saying about cheaters? If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you?

Anyway. It's almost time for me to get out of here. Maybe more later.

February 15, 2009

Late Evening Update

Valentines weekend is over. I spent yesterday nesting, I guess. I went to Lowes and bought a jungle of neglected and dying plants. I bought materials to make an indoor compost bin. I bought material to make a curtain. And then I went to work. The plants got transplanted first. They are all doing fabulously and are already looking much healthier than they did when they were at Lowes. It was probably 1:30 by the time I finished the curtain.

This morning, the curtain was hung, the compost bin was created and filled.

I am currently waiting on the dryer to finish. I've got to call them and tell them that they need to fix it. It took four 50 minute cycles to dry four towels. My sheets are in washer, waiting as it's taken another four 50 minute cycles to dry three towels. The problem is that I need to pick up before I call them to come take care of this whole thing. *sigh* Guess that will happen maybe Tuesday.

I have to be at work tomorrow night until 6. We have parent teacher conferences. Well. I don't have parent teacher conferences. But if I want to get paid for that day, I have to be there until 6. Same thing on Tuesday.

It's been a really lazy day.

Strange how yesterday everything was made better when I went to the post office. Mail is an interesting thing.

I got some potentially bad news about my spring break trip. Matt might not be able to come with me. His broken foot is not getting better...in fact, it's getting worse...and he may need surgery. He'll find out tomorrow when he goes to the doctor. It sucks on a lot of levels, the least of which is my trip. The worst of which is his job. If he runs out of medical leave and personal leave, he could get fired. In this economy, that would so not be a good thing. Hattiesburg has limited job prospects, and it would be difficult for him to find something else.

If he can't go with me, then I'm still going. I've paid for the hotel. I will go and have a good time, but I won't be spending a whole lot of time out at night. I get scared. DC doesn't have the reputation for being the safest place. So. I guess kinda like NYC, I'll stick to safe daytime activities. Might venture out into Georgetown at night since that's where the hotel is. I don't know if I'll do the Moonlight Monument tour if I go alone. It seems like that's kind of a couples thing, and I don't know that I want to be the loser alone on that tour. That's OK. I'm sure I'll figure out something.

I still need to find a kennel for Cob. *sigh* And get her shot records. *sigh*

My coffee maker has died. I was doing the white vinegar cleaning this evening and it just quit working. That means I don't have coffee for in the morning. I had been wanting to get a french press. I guess this gives me the excuse to do so. So. I need the press. A kettle (to boil the water). A grinder, although not strictly necessary. And new coffee beans as what I have are to fine of a grind to use in a press. It would be cheaper to buy a new electric coffee maker. *sigh* Whatever the case, I will be waiting until Friday to replace it. A week without coffee. *sigh* I guess that means I will be making sure to try to get up and out in time to stop somewhere for coffee. And I suppose I should find my Starbucks cards. There's a Starbucks on the way to work in that Kroger on Newcut.

I should try to go to bed. I don't think it's going to work for me tonight because I have been pretty keenly anxious this evening. I should have taken something much earlier, but I got busy and forgot. Now it's too late for that if I want to get up and make it to work.

February 13, 2009

Late Evening Update

Jury duty is over. I went to work today, and it was actually a much better day than I had anticipated.

I apologize for not writing more. There have been a couple of things that I wanted to talk about, but I've not been in the mood to actually do anything about it.

I keep thinking that this fog is going to lift, but it doesn't. There are moments, but for the most part, it's pervasive. Add in PMS, and it's not shaping up to be a good night. Not hungry. Not drinking. Not taking anything.

Watching the ABC special on poverty in Appalachia. It hurts my heart. I'd write about all of that, but I don't even know where to start.

I don't know much of anything these days. Probably best if I just go to bed.

February 10, 2009

Late Evening Update

I'm watching the Charlie Brown Valentines specials on ABC. Have I mentioned how much I hate Valentines? Ugh. Although I do have to say, that these little programs are sweet. I wonder, though, when we got so many Charlie Brown specials? Didn't we used to just have Christmas and Halloween? Kinda like, when did we get Peeps for every holiday? We used to just have them for Easter. When did we decide that we needed them for every other holiday?

Speaking of holiday candy, though...I could go for a Reese's heart.

Instead, I have an elotito from the Mexican bakery/deli I went to for lunch today. I suppose that's just as good. I got an el pastor torta for lunch, and I gotta say, holy crow! Excellent. Spicy, spicy pork with a pineapple ring and jalepenos. So yummy. The beans and rice weren't all that great but the sandwich was enough to go back and try it again some time real soon.

I really want Charlie Brown to eventually get the Little Red-Haired Girl. I really do. He never does, though. Wonder what that says about Charlie Brown. Wonder what that says about little red-haired girls.

Jury duty again today. And again tomorrow. Need to remember to take my camera with me to get some pictures of the downtown architecture. If I were a sweet girl, I'd send them to the boy to entice him to come visit. Since he likes that sort of thing.

The weather is supposed to be bad the next 24 hours. They're talking about severe winds and all that. The news has told us this evening that we need to make sure that batteries are charged and replaced so that we're ready to go when the power goes out. I know where the lanterns are (I still haven't put them away from the last time), and I know where the candles are. We'll be OK here at Casa de Piercedwonderings.

I'm tired of petty high school bullshit. There's been all kinds of drama in my world today. Backstabbing, petty, accusatory bullshit. There's also been a lot of talk about back-stabbing and two-faced folks and betrayal. From people who are backstabbing, two-faced, betrayers. At least be honest with yourself. When you know that you do shit like share information that was given to you in confidence with others, then get off the high horse. When you know that you've engaged in that kind of behavior, why are you surprised when it comes back to you and how are you going to act all sanctimonious about it?

I know I'm a bitch. I don't do a very good job of hiding that. I don't make excuses for myself on that level. I try to be pretty honest with myself about who and what I am. I don't have patience for people who don't do the same.

February 9, 2009

Late Evening Update

Continuing dissatisfaction. Need to go to bed.

I had a roast beef wrap with sun chips for lunch and a blizzard for dinner. There's all kinds of food in this house, but none of it sounds good. None of it. Iopen the fridge, and while I know that it's food that I like (that's why I bought it) and I know it's good, I can't be bothered to eat it. It sucks because that means it's going to go to waste. None of it sounds good. Nothing I can think of to buy to eat sounds good either.

I need to shake whatever this funk is. I don't see that happening any time soon, though.

I wish I had it in me to do some of the much more interesting writing that I used to do here. It seems that the last year or so I haven't had much time to do anything more than whine about my life. Sorry.

February 8, 2009

Late Evening Update

Still not a really happy camper. I have jury duty again tomorrow. There's a little more to be said about that, but I'm not going to leave it alone for now. Maybe tomorrow.

Went to see JJ Grey and Mofro last night. I wasn't all that enthused to get going. It's this funk. I know what I need to see the end of it, but I don't know how to ask for it. And I'm not going to ask for it because I don't feel like it should be something that has the power to send me to this place.

I was, as always, intimidated by walking into a bar by myself. I kept reminding myself that I am a confident woman, and a bar is nothing. I used to go to New Orleans and hang out by myself. A bar in Lexington, Kentucky is nothing.

Anyway. The show. The opening band was pretty sucky. It was very strange. The singer/guitar player and the bass player are brothers, but the guitarist looked exactly them. They were all wearing t-shirts, jeans, suit jackets, and some odd hats. They all had beards too. The songs were OK. The music was actually really good at times. Some hard grooves in there, but the lyrics were about the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. The best songs of the night from them were when they played "Handle with Care" by The Traveling Wilburys and "Always a Friend" by Alejandro Escovedo (and yes, I was reminded that because of a stupid ice storm, I was unable to go see Alejandro Escovedo).

I swear that the guitarist (not the lead singer) has downs. He had that short, stocky build and a blank, vacant stare. Looked a little self-conscious. I do have to say, though, the best songs were when he was singing.

It took about 45 minuts to get the sets changed and for the main attraction to hit the stage. Worth the wait. It really was just kinda of a jam thing. Song after song, with a little banter in between. Just good, rocking, bluesy music.

Several strange moments during the show. JJ Grey tossed out a guitar pick, and the people around me (I was right up near the stage) were frantically searching for it Had their cellphones out, literally crawling around on the ground looking for the damn thing and never found it. After JJ finished the song, he tossed out a handful of them, saying, "Damn! Y'all are going nuts for a guitar pick." And the folks that got one were like they'd won the lottery. It was really a strange, surreal kind of experience.

Then the guitar player. Odd little man. He sat there the entire time and played, although it was like he was completely detached from the experience. He looked entirely self-conscious and uncomfortable. There was also a few times when literally, if looks could kill, JJ Gray would have been dead. They're apparently long-time friends and collaborators, though, so that doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm just saying what I saw.

Towards the end of the night, I was reminded why I don't like going to bars by myself. Some jackass came up front, which was OK because there was room, but he was an ass. He kept pushing me and he was often standing in front of me, blocking my view. He was 6'4-5", which meant I couldn't see around him. He looked totally out of place. Wearing a button-down Oxford and looking around for cues as to when to move.

At one point, I got really frustrated and physically moved him out of my way and said, "Dude...you can be here, but stop pushing me and stop blocking my view." It was then that he started trying to grab my breasts. I'm still not entirely sure how that happened.

I told him to keep his fucking hands to himself and get the hell away from me. He dumped his beer on me, and then totally denied he'd done it. What? Are you serious? So, I pushed him back and down. He hit the floor, and I'm pretty sure the guy standing next to me, who had earlier told me I just needed to elbow him in the ribs really hard a few times, kicked him before the bouncers should up to haul him away.

It was a shitty way to end the night. I'd gotten over my unease and discomfort and was having a good time. But that really capped things negatively. I was wet and smelling like beer the entire drive home (about an hour).

At any rate. All in all, it was a good time. While I didn't really want to go, I'm glad that I did. Even with the end, it was a good thing. I'll be looking forward to seeing some more shows. It would be nice if I could find a calendar that listed stuff within like a two hour radius. That way I could plan.

I hung a shelf thingie in the bathroom. It's not exactly level. I suppose maybe I'll try to fix it tomorrow. It's hard when you're doing it yourself without a level and you're working without a level (although the boy told me a glass of water works). It got all of my crap off the sink, so that works. That makes me happy. Now I just need to get one of those above sink shelves and a couple of small baskts. One needs to go next to the toilet/cabinet to hold hair tools like curling irons. One needs to go under the cabinet to hold nail polish and band-aids and that sort of thing.

I managed to cut myself on the shelf. It hurts. Got myself in the joint of the thumb. Not the best place to have a cut.

My facial skin is really irritated right now. I think it's the exfoliant that I've been using off and on. Whatever it is, it killing me.

The doggie is passed out at my feet. She's a good girl.

I had some other things to talk about...somethings that have been eating at me, but I can't remember exactly what it was that I wanted to say about those things. (not because I'm near the bottom of this bottle of wine but because some of those things are so tangled).

My horoscope says that lately I've been hurting more than I should be, but that I will figure out what the right way to handle it. I truly hope so...because right now, I feel like shit. I keep digging around in the sore, though, so I suppose that feeling like shit is my own fault. If I could just leave it alone, it would be OK.

I want to go camping. I took myself for a drive Friday night...was gone like two and a half hours. Through some really small towns on tiny winding roads. I felt better when I got home, but that only lasted a short while.

It's after midnight. I need to go to bed.

February 6, 2009

Late Evening Update

Not feeling it again tonight. I stopped at the liquor store on the way home. I have alcohol that goes down easy. But thus far, I've not managed to finish the beer I opened when I got home at 5:00. It's 9:30. Guess I really do need a nipple with that.

I suppose I'm going to get to work on a spreadsheet since I told a teacher I was going to get it to her tonight. And since I'm apparently a loser who has nothing else to do.

February 5, 2009

Very Late Evening Update

It was another day of jury duty. Gawd awful. We sat around and waited and waited and waited. And while we were waiting, there was an idiot behind me who wouldn't shut up. It wasn't just that he talked. It was the subject matter. It was the volume. It was non-stop. For hours.

I shipped the boy's Valentine's pressie today. I found the perfect card for him, but because I am grouchy and irritable, I didn't write anything in it. Just signed it.

I am still grouchy and irritable. It was a good night. So I don't know what the problem is other than this is just me and just a thing.

There is no jury duty tomorrow, so I will be at work. Which is where I need to be, but damn. If I'm not anxious, I don't know what the fuck to call this. I should take something, but at this point, I'm a little worried that it's too late. I need to get up in a few short hours. Not a good thing. Dammit.

February 4, 2009

Very Late Evening Update

I have to go back to jury duty tomorrow. Yay. I ge to sleep in just a little more, which I suppose is good since I'm trying my best to get really intoxicated right this moment.

I packaged up some Valentines pressies. I'm going to put them in the mail tomorrow. Tomorrow I need to go by Von Maur and pick up two birthday presents. I have two friends who have birthdays this month, and they're part of the crew that I decided should get these particular pressies. So. I'm going to go get them tomorrow. Hopefully they'll be where they need to go in time.

I booked the DC hotel this afternoon. Did the priceline Name-Your-Own-Price thing. With parking, the hotel is $100/night. On the grounds of Georgetown University. So it's safe. I still need to check out how easy it is to get on the metro and get to the places that we want to see, but it's one more thing out of the way. Now I need to start looking for a kennel in Louisville because my baby will have to stay here. I suppose the first step is to get her a vet so she can get her vaccinations updated. I may have to see if I can get the record from the vet in Hattiesburg because honestly, I don't know where those might be right now. You'd think that maybe I would have put them in my lockbox, but I'm pretty sure that they're not there.

Maybe one of my dear, sweet friends can stop by the vet in Hattiesburg and get a copy of all that? Maybe?

I'm not in a good headspace this evening. I feel very disconnected and incredibly alone. Kinda like I'm just floating out there by myself, no real attachment to anyone or anything. Superficiality.

I know that this is just a thing. Just some hormonal thing going on or my expected downturn into mild depression. December is hard. February is hard. I'll be better soon. It'll last more than a day.

Anyone want to take a cruise with me this summer? I've been reading that they're supposed to be cheap. We could go out of Mobile or New Orleans. Or we could go to Alaska. I've never been on a cruise before.

I'm not intoxicated yet. And that was a lot of bourbon. I need to pick up more this weekend. I'm supposed to send one to Eric and one to Steve as late Christmas pressies.

Anyway. I'm off to feel bad about myself by myself.

 

February 4, 2009

Very Early Morning Update

I went to jury duty again this morning. I was chosen as a candidate for a disability jury, but I wasn't selected. It's interesting, when they said "disability court", I was thinking about physical disability, like the Sner has had to deal with. But that wasn't it. It was about declaring folks mentally incompetent. Very, very sad. Taking away someone's rights to determine the course of their lives is a very serious thing, and it was all made very clear this morning.

I know that we've talked about this several times with regard to my grandsner...and I have to say that I don't know if it's a step I'm comfortable with. Yes, she makes some very poor decisions with regard to her finances. And yes she's allowed my good-for-nothing, piece of shit brother take advantage of her...perhaps even abuse her. But. It's a fundamental thing.

If she makes some poor decisions, does that mean that she shouldn't have the right to vote? To drive? To live on her own? Yes there are degrees of disability--it's not an all or nothing type of thing, as I understood it. But. If someone can't handle their finances...does that mean that they shouldn't be able to drive? Or vote?

The cases today would have been pretty clear cut from their descriptions. A woman about my age who has been incapitated by an aneurysm. An elderly woman with dementia. A young woman with long-term traumatic brain injury. No real question there, but for folks like my grandsner...it's not quite so clear cut.

I cleaned the coffee pot with vinegar this evening. Didn't have enough vinegar to do it the way it needed to be done, though. Right now it's on the second "rinse". It needs to do one more time.

I need to go to bed.

Have to remember to buy gas and get cash tomorrow. To pay for parking. Dammit.

February 2, 2009

Late EveningUpdate

I forgot about jury duty. It started this morning. I was going to go back to bed, but something...at 9:00 this morning...told me I needed to get up. So, I got in the shower and got myself there on time. The two hour orientation could have been done in about 45 minutes, but I suppose I shouldn't complain. There were about 250 people in that room. That they got us all checked in and those of us who weren't needed out the door in two hours is commendable.

I have to go back tomorrow. *sigh*

I also have a ton of work at school that needs to be done. Including a department meeting, so waiting in the jury pool room tomorrow wasn't on my list of things to do. I can take some of it to work on tomorrow while I wait, but. Not all of it. I understand the need to do our civic duty. I really do. But. I wish I could do it in June or July.

So...I'm thinking about applying to do the Louisville Writing Project. I've done it in Nevada and I've done it in Mississippi. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it.

I have to get to work on my dissertation. I really have to get to work on it. I don't want to waste more money.

I plucked out a couple more of those gross wiry hairs from my chin this evening. That's part of why I hate getting older. I mean, yeah, the white/silver hair is one thing. That old witch stuff doesn't do it for me. *sigh*

I finally have all of my tax stuff. I can do my taxes. Which means if I get a refund, I will either send it all to my Sner to pay some bills. Or I'll buy a new laptop because I think I probably need to do that. One of the two. That reminds me...I need to call about hotel rates for spring break. *sigh* They said to call back around the 5th, and I've been watching on hotwire. The only problem with hotwire is knowing the distance to metro stations and getting to metro stations. *sigh* I saw one for $58/night. I should probably book that. It's supposed to be a 3 star hotel. I'll look at it again tomorrow. After I check my bank account.

The sound-proofing in these apartments really does suck. I've had someone move in above me (they moved in when the power was out, bless their hearts), and I can hear everything they do, every move they make. It's a little annoying. OK, it's a lot annoying, but I'll live.

Going to bed. My doggie has been asleep at my feet for hours. It's time to move her into the bedroom and let her think she's gonna get to jump up in the bed.

February 1, 2009

Late Update

I spent the better part of last night and this morning very grouchy. I'm still not all that happy, but it's better now. I get like this some times. Inconsolable, grief-stricken, upset. No real idea why it happens or what triggers it.

We don't have school tomorrow. That kinda pisses me off because I could have been in Mississippi. I know that the school district couldn't make that decision until today, but to be honest, with the thawing that has gone on today, I'm not surethat the idea to cancel school tomorrow was a smart one. Yeah, some folks will have difficulty getting out, but by and large, at this point, there was plenty of opportunity to get things ready to go today. So.

Another day off. Which is fine, I suppose because I still haven't done a whole lot of work that I needed to get done. I will do that tomorrow.

Talked to Shan this evening, and she mentioned that her sister-in-law had talked about doing the three day breast cancer walk. That got me to thinking. I don't think that the walking (15-22 miles/days)would be too arduous. There have been several days when I've logged close to 10 miles in my heels. So, the walking part doesn't bother me. The fundraising part does. The fee to enter the race is $90, which does not count towards your $2,300 minimum fundraising goal.

The boy passed a test tonight. He doesn't know that he was being tested, but he was. And he passed. It's one of those things. I forgive. I get over things. But when I've been lied to, it's difficult to know what to believe. I try to operate under the assumption that what he's telling me now is the truth. Because he's working to make himself a better man and part of that is honesty. When he tells me that I'm important to him and that he wants to make me feel secure, I really want to believe him. And when he passes little tests like tonight, then I get more comfortable trusting what he has to say.

I do think, though, that if this twit that I'm jealous of is what he wants, then he can have her. Because if she's what he wants, then he's not the man he tells me he wants to be and is becoming. It's good to know that he is.

I'm supposed to have jury duty on Tuesday. I've got to remember to call them tomorrow. *sigh*

I made a pot of black beans today. It's still not quite done, but close. I guess I used too much water/stock. That's OK. It's cooking up to quite a lovely creaminess and flavor. It'll be good tomorrow afternoon. And the next evening. And the next evening. And so on for two weeks. *sigh*

Going to bed now.