February 29, 2008

What an icky day at work. The baby engineers were incredibly frustrating. *sigh*

It's 6:30, and I have been in my pajamas since I got home around a quarter 'til. I was going to go to the movies tonight, but I think that perhaps I'm just going to stay home. If I feel like a movie, I can always do an Oceans marathon. I imagine, though, that I'll shortly be heading to bed. I have a bottle of Blackberry Merlot, and it seems like a good idea right now.

I finally drifted off last night around 10:30. I remember getting a good night text from the boy, but I don't remember some that I sent to him. That's OK. Woke up this morning when I heard the puppy spitting up in her crate, which apparently means that her tummy was empty. I did not oversleep so I don't appreciate the wake-up call. This means that she has to have a bath tomorrow...because she smells every time that happens.

Someone needs to take me for sushi real soon. I can't remember the last time I had sushi. Is it possible that the last time I had sushi was at home at Christmas 2006? Really? I don't know anyone that will go eat it with me, and I really don't like to go to eat by myself.

Speaking of food, I'm thinking that I could go for a Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard right about now. (PMS...haven't had dinner yet, and chocolate and ice cream sound like a really good plan) The problem is that I'm not wearing a bra, and I don't think I can actually get up to put one on. I am suddenly exhausted. Like bone and muscle tired. I really hope I'm not getting sick. There were a couple of times today that I felt like I was running a fever. Maybe a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner instead. Except I only have swiss cheese. Maybe no dinner.

The HB and his fiance closed on their house today. Correction...her house. His name isn't on the loan. He's a nice enough guy, but criminy...he's a loser. Tina could do so much better. Funny enough, several of the guys at work have started the process to purchase homes too.

One of them is setting himself up for failure from the get-go. He just got married in October I think. He was bitching about it before they got married, and it's only gotten worse. I found out yesterday that this is his third marriage. He's only 30. I don't understand that. He doesn't talk about her in ways that lead me to believe that he loves her, let alone likes her. Why do that? It's awful to be alone, but I don't know if it's more awful have gotten yourself in a relationship like that. As rough as things have been for me over the last week, I don't know that I would sign up for something like that.

I have yet to open my new webcam, although this evening I did do a search about how to add video to my site. I don't think I'm that smart, and I probably don't have enough bandwidth to make a video a regular feature. Plus, I don't know if I want y'all seeing me with my smudged mascara and flouzy hair.

Yeah, think I'm going to bed. At a quarter til 8:00. Nice. I live a rather pathetic life. *sigh*

February 28, 2008

The words have just flown out of my head. While I was waiting for the February page to upload, I could picture my fingers typing and knew what I was going to say. Now I can't for the life of me remember it.

My Royals lost the pre-season opener today. It's OK. It's only the pre-season. And I know that they're going to suck rocks; there's nothing to be done about that. It's just hard to have the dream crushed so early.

My friend Steph says that when she's in a funk, usually sunshine and sex cure it. Maybe. It could certainly be worth a shot. The problem is it's supposed to be partially cloudy this weekend and sex, well sex. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be a long while before that happens again. There's that whole needing a partner thing, along with being brave enough to expose yourself like that to someone. I don't know that I have that kind of courage right now.

Some friends are getting together for drinks tomorrow night, but I think I'm going to skip that. I might take myself to the movies instead. Maybe Vantage Point or No Country for Old Men. I'm also supposed to go to a friend's for a seafood extravaganza on Saturday. He's getting a sack of oysters, there will be crawfish and shrimp. There will also be some...prominent...folks there as well. That makes me a little nervous. Considering how I've been feeling the last week, any social inadequacies I feel and am able to fake my way through under normal circumstances are magnified. So, I don't know if I'll go to that either. I haven't made an alternative plans, yet, but there's always time.

I'm going to be forced to be social next week, so maybe that's going to be soon enough. Beth has booked her spring break vacation and I have been told that my presence is required Monday night the 10th at Eden in Orange Beach. *sigh* I suppose that spending the 11th sitting on the beach will be good for me. I've got find someone to take care of the dog. Anyone want to keep my girlie for the night? She's really a good girlie; I promise.

And then the 15th is the St. Patrick's Day fandango...beginning the day in Jackson, and winding it up on the coast. Mark's (MS Dad) birthday party is being held at Jamie's and since I've come up with excuse after excuse to not attend a party at Jamie's, I might be disowned if I didn't make it. So. I'm going. Even though I don't like being around some of those people, and I don't like how out of control things get.

I took an Ambien about an hour ago, and I've been having a brandy and coke. I can sorta begin to feel the effect kick in. It's been YEARS since I've taken an Ambien. I'm waiting for the walls to start moving and my skin to start crawling, the words on the screen to start marching. I've made sure that the phone is set, and it is resting safely next to the bed. I should probably hide the car keys and somehow just get the doggie to go to bed. I slept last night, but it took me forever to get there. Tonight I really don't want to lay there and think, come to new conclusions that aren't good for me. So. I'm trying to help that along. The problem is that right now I want to finish watching Celebrity Rehab. I dinna keen if I'll make it that far.

It's interesting to see who drops in to visit me here. With this hosting company, I get access to IP addresses. I think I can figure out who most of the folks are, but I there are bunches of them that I have no clue. Like...who do I know in Wheatland? Or in Ohio? The other thing that's interesting is the time when people drop in. Bunch of night owls out there.

Speaking of which, I think it's time for me to go on. I'm starting to feel a little loopy.

February 27, 2008

I actually had quite a bit of stuff written this evening--had even posted it--but none of it much matters.

Today was thirteen years; tomorrow will be eight. Think I'm going to take something and go to bed.

February 26, 2008

I'm a mean neighbor. Both of mine were irritating me tonight, and I sorta let both of them know. Actually only one of them really. The other one, I was just bitchy. They left and left Madonna blaring. I flipped the breaker. Who knows what time they left, but if I'd waited, I'd have listened to Madonna, over the drone of my television, for two and a half hours. I probably should have left a note on their door or something. I feel bad about having done it...even though I appreciated the quiet.

Stabbed myself with a letter opener this afternoon at work. Bled all over some documents I was getting ready to send to Jackson. *sigh* (I was using the letter opener to pull up some industrial staples because someone forgot to give me part of the document that I needed. Removing those staples requires the letter opener (I've been known to use a pocket knife) and a pair of pliers. Hurt like a motherfucker.

Had left-overs for dinner. I forget how much I like porkchops. Should have them more often.

Made pancakes for breakfast this morning and then took them to work. Actually wasn't a bad set up. Only problem was that I ran out of syrup by the time I made my way to the end. I might make them again in the morning. Pancakes make me happy.

I did not sleep well again last night. Tried to go to bed and then couldn't sleep. Guess I finally drifted off around 1...and then it was fitful rest until the storm woke me up early this morning. Was not dreaming about sex this morning, unfortunately. It was an odd dream, though. I was in jail on Alcatraz. There were three little old ladies with me...and they were really small, shrunken old women. No clue what we had done to get thrown in federal prison. Oddly enough, tours of the island were still going on while we were imprisoned...and we were the only ones imprisoned. We were in our cells while all these people were walking by with their headsets. At night, everyone left. Including the guards (who were walking along that catwalk thing with their guns). They locked us in our cells, handed us those paint brushes that come with elementary school watercolor paint kits, turned the lights off, and left.

I thought I was going to bed, but once I laid down, I started thinking and here I am again. This weekend I created a playlist in Itunes that I named "Resignation". Tunes like "Godsong", "This One's Gonna Bruise", "A Pain That I'm Used To", "Serves Me Right". Probably because I was trying to tell me that it's time to be resigned. When I was there in bed, thinking, it dawned on me that this is it. This is all that I have. Yesterday doesn't change what today is. And this is all there is. No possibility for tomorrow or next week or next year. Just this. The sooner I accept that, the better I'll be.

So. This is where I start repeating over and over again..."I am grateful for what has been, but I release it to the universe"...until I believe it. It works. Eventually. It's just the meantime that sucks so awfully.

February 25, 2008

I'm ready to go to bed. It's 8:21 in the evening, and I'm ready to be in the bed. That might be due to my very full belly. I made pork chops for dinner. And mashed potatoes. I make really good sausage gravy, but my brown gravy isn't quite as good. In fact, it sucks. Need to work on that a little bit, I guess. Or maybe just forget about the whole gravy part of it. Since you know...it's not really all that good for you.

The dog and I went for a walk tonight. She's such a good baby. Even with the other dogs vying for her attention, she stayed right next to me, leash loose in my hand. Promptly came home and gave her a bath (cuz she spit up in her crate this morning and when she does that, she stinks to high heaven). She wasn't real proud of that. I've got to get a hose attachment for the shower so it's easier to bathe the puppy. My back is killing me.

The neighbors are moving out. The folks on the other side of the duplex...not the annoying bitches who block the driveway and wake me up in the middle of the night. So. If you know anyone looking for a place in Hattiesburg, it's available.

I was having an incredible sex dream when I woke up this morning. *sigh* It wasn't that wild, frantic, crazy sex (although there's nothing wrong with that). Just easy, slow, simple, straightforward missionary sex. I used to tell Coach that in particular, that's what I wanted, but he seemed to think that if it wasn't all the bells and whistles, something was missing. Living up to that all the time got to be...tiring. Don't get me wrong, the bells and whistles are nice, but that whole comfortable thing is really good too. And sometimes...that's really what you need, although right now, I probably couldn't handle it...do something stupid like cry.

I might be going to Colorado in April to visit Shannie. We'd split the cost of the plane ticket, so it would be affordable. Colorado in April. There will still be snow. Wonder who'll take care of my dog? (Love her to death, but she sure complicates life)

February 24, 2008

I don't know what to say tonight. I really don't know what to say.

I didn't read today. I thought about it, but I went back to bed instead.

Think I need a girl scout cookie and a cooper camel and my bed.

February 23, 2008

Went to the library today and spent about three hours reading for my dissertation. That time allowed me to get two books read, with notes taken. I suppose later I will get those notes typed up. Maybe even read some more. It's a little frustrating in that the more you read, the more there is to read. I guess I'll go back tomorrow with the remaining two books that I have to read. When I'm done with them, I suppose I'll see about finding another couple.

While I was in the library, had to take a few breaks and stare out the fourth floor window. There was a daddy with his two little kids, probably not more than 3 or 4 years old. He was sacked out on the grass, and the kids were running around the quad. The little girl kept jumping over her daddy...going further and further back to get a bigger running start. It was funny to watch her. The further back she'd go, it was like the more tired her little legs got. Probably only one out of every five or six tries were successful. All the others times, she took a digger five-ten feet before she got to him. She kept getting up, though, and giving it another whirl.

Have I mentioned that I dislike February?

I'm not going to get into all that is making it's way through my head because I've said it too many times here to count. If you're interested, take a look back in July or August or something like that; I think that was the last time I felt like this. The basics don't change a whole lot, although you would think that as long as I've been going through this exact same thing...since the basics don't change...I'd have already worked out all the permutations. Not quite so. Laying in my bed last night, was struck by a new insight and that makes that feedback loop I have going on somehow even more awful and pathetic. It is, of course, all I can think about now, making me feel slightly sick and leaving me weepy.

So, I think I'm going to run a bath and have another...cocktail. Go to bed early tonight (didn't make it last night. Last night was more like 2:30).

Gotta finish the laundry. Try to figure out what I'm going to do for dinner. I thawed out some pork chops. I don't know that I want to go to the trouble of that particular dinner. That's really a Sunday dinner, I think.

*Just a reminder that not everything here needs a response or means that I'm in some sort of trouble. Sometimes it just is.

February 22, 2008

The trip to the St. Patrick's Day parade is shaping up to be quite the fandango. Lots of girlie friends going, and tiaras and costumes have been mentioned. The PSB has tentatively agreed to act as chaperone, but whether that actually pans out or not is debatable. I don't seem to have a whole lot of luck with sealing the deal.

Got a little happy in the mail today. It's amazing how you find friends in this life...people far and wide. Restores a little bit of faith.

How do y'all feel about hickeys (love bites)? Read this today and began to think about my own thinkings about them. I really, really hate them on my neck. But other places...I actually like them. I was going to say that it's funny, but that's not the right "filler" phrase that I want to use. X used to leave marks on me all the time, but those were out and out bruises. Not love bites. I used to joke that he beat me in my sleep. The first time I can remember someone leaving marks on me that I actually liked was with Coach. I remember waking up the next morning and seeing them in the shower, thinking about how they'd gotten there. Completely different connotation than with X. The boy had a bad habit of leaving them on my neck, which induces a bit of panic because somehow, they've got to be covered up. There for awhile he was biting my inner forearm, and that. Yeah.

My boss has the flu.

Anyway. It's not been a better day, and I very much feel like complete and total withdrawl from the world. Bought a bottle of Myers on the way home, and I anticipate that we will be friendly this evening. Will either read or maybe watch a movie tonight. Anticipate an early evening.

February 21, 2008

Had a good time last night. Very tired today, and the weather didn't help. It's all gray and drizzly and cold, which is, of course, the perfect atmosphere for sleeping. I suppose I must be getting old since it was really hard for me to get out of the bed and really hard for me to stay awake today.

It's been a crappy couple of days. Things at work are icky to say the least. I really, really have to find another job. Guess that means that I'm seriously going to spend some time this weekend working on vitas and cover letters. *sigh*

I've been feeling pretty anxious today. Not sure what's going on, but there it is. Something ain't quite right.

So, I've come to believe that it's not that my phone is broken. That means either the folks who don't return messages are just rude or I've done something wrong and screwed the whole deal up again. With one of them in particular, this is the second time that it's happened. Back at Christmas, I was blown off, and we're apparently in that cycle again. I'm not sure what it's about, but I begin to think that it's me.

I guess. Whatever. I think I've done my part, so now the ball's in their court. I grow weary of feeling like I'm in junior high again, and I grow weary of doubting myself. I want people around me who want to be around me. I don't want to be some harridan who badgers people into being with me. So. Yeah.

I picked up my Girl Scout cookies this evening. Two boxes of All Abouts and one box of Samoas. Should have stopped and gotten some ice cream to go with them. Starving to death, so I suppose I will have a cookie before I go to bed.

We're not going to participate in the Hattiesburg St. Patrick's parade. As we talked about it tonight, we decided that the Jaycees really didn't have the manpower to pull it off. That means I am free to go see the Sweet Potato Queens. I've asked some of the friends who went with me to Mardi Gras if they want to go to Jackson on the 15th. Should be another good time. Maybe some of my Jackson friends could join us (hint, hint Cassie. Hint, hint, hint)

Did my taxes tonight. I'm glad to have it done. Wasn't too bad, actually. There's enough to get the timing belt done, the car insurance for the next six months taken care of, the puppy fixed, and still have a little left over...which might go to a case of wine. Maybe a half spa day. I could use a facial and a good foot massage.

I should go to bed. I am snaggly and grouchy and not fit for company. So, I'll take myself off to bed. It'll be a better day tomorrow.

February 19, 2008

Dissertation reading done again today! Woo-hoo! Tomorrow presents a bit of a tricky problem in a couple of ways. I have plans for tomorrow night, which means that I won't have that time at night to read. In addition to that, though, there's also the issue of coming to the end of the dissertation I was reading and needing to gather resources from that dissertation...making a list of books, searching for articles. I suppose those types of things counts towards my hour each day, don't they? Even if I'm not reading (or writing)? I'm making active progress on my dissertation, right? And that's the point, right?

Anyone wanting to support the dissertation effort can send me these (only blue please) or these. Or these. I've not ever used notecards in my writing before, but I'm thinking that I'm really going to need some way to organize my resources and what I want to use from those resources...and have that accessible. I sort of envision laying all of those cards out in the order in which I want to use them...sort of a very tangible outline. I could be totally off-base in that thinking, and I suppose I'll find out soon enough, won't I? *sigh* I freak myself out about this whole process. I can write, right? So...the big freakin' deal would be what?

I think my phone must be broken. That's the only reason why I can figure that people haven't responded to the messages I've sent them. I know they're not rude, and their mommas taught them better. So it must be my phone. Or their network. Or something other than they don't want to talk to me.

You know the whole thing about not being responded to takes me back to those memories of being an outsider and alone...back in the day. *sigh* In particular high school, after Hairball was arrested and everyone was talking about it, including my friends, but no one was talking to me. Kind of a shitty time in life.

I think I'm going to apply for jobs in Illinois and New York. Possibly Texas as well. I keep saying that my brains are leaking out of my ears, and it's true. I've been working on this education for awhile. It should be put to use. I guess.

Made dinner tonight since my tummy is feeling much better. I was going to make biscuits and gravy, but the sausage didn't make enough grease to make gravy. I didn't feel like adding oil. So, I made camp breakfast: sausage, hash browns, cheese. (that's what I have for breakfast when I go camping) Yummy. There will be plenty left for tomorrow morning for breakfast. And Thursday night for dinner.

Got my Valentine's card from the GrandSner. I think it's funny that she always sends me a Valentine's card. Always signs it, Love your grandma, Lois Conrad. Kinda funny. At least to me.

Also had a package from the Chango (who has his own tribe) waiting for me when I got home. Inside the package was a webcam. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with the webcam. I'm pretty sure that I know what the Chango (who has his own tribe) would like for me to do with it, but I'm not quite picturing that happening. Maybe I could figure out how to do daily video diaries instead of writing this whole huge thing out. Although I don't know that would serve the same purpose for me. I mean, I maintain this whole thing for me. Not y'all. Sorry if you thought it wasn't quite so narcissistic.

I'm watching PBS tonight. First up was Frontline with a program about Hadditha (sp). Now it's about three communities in Georgia that ran the black population out of the county. Interesting. Criminy. That footage is from 1987. 1987! Wow. It gets better. Wow. "Someone slept on their rights for almost a century." Now they're talking about Pierce City, MO. That's a bit closer to home, eh? Wow. Things I didn't know. 1901. Huh. That woman just almost said "nigger"...she struggled and stuttered and finally spit out "colored people". Kinda odd to see Pierce City as it is now, after the tornadoes wiped the town out a couple of years ago. Now they've moved on to Harrison, AR. Didn't know that about it either. Oblivious much or very often?

Did y'all know that today is Remembrance Day? To remember Japanese American internment?

Barack Obama has won Wisconsin, by what I would say is a nice margin. I don't know if Obama is the answer. I do know that I get more and more disgusted with Hillary Clinton. I didn't really feel one way or the other about her before this campaign started other than I have never felt that this was her time...and I don't know if I've ever thought that it would be her time. I don't know if we're ready for a woman as our President, although a lot of people are voting for her. I hate to fall back on the platitude of I would have no problem voting for a woman...but not just any woman. That's the truth of the matter, so I guess if it's a platitude, it's a platitude.

Read this article in the Chronicle. I find it interesting that they're talking about incentives to make graduate study more appealing to conservatives. This is the paradoxical nature of my nature, I suppose, but I want to say...ya know, it's not easy for liberals to make the decision to pursue graduate study. The last two years in particular haven't been all that rosy for me, but I think this is what I want...so that's the choice I made. So, why can't others make the same decision? But. I know that it's not so easy to translate my own experience onto the lives of others. And yeah, it would have been nice to have some of those supports that they're talking about. Health insurance would have been a wonderful thing...at the very least. I suppose that two years of tuition is enough for which to be grateful. (and it is)

Hey...anyone going to get their oil changed or something like that at Firestone any time soon? Since I just had mine done, the "gift card" for $25 that came in the mail today and must be used by the 1st of April isn't any good to me. I'm willing to pass it along to anyone who might want it. Just let me know. There doesn't appear to be any restrictions on it.

Took the camera with me when the puppy and I walked tonight. Got a couple of nice pics of things in bloom. There are a couple of more that I want to get, though, before posting, so that will happen Friday maybe.

I need to go to bed. Lots to do tomorrow.

February 18, 2008

Came home and walked the puppy. I somehow screwed up her collar yesterday when I took it off her to give her a bath. I've tried to fix it, and it apparently is smarter than I am. Someone with more talent than me is going to have to fix it.

After dog walk, sprawled out on the floor with this dissertation and started reading for my mandatory, daily hour. It wasn't so bad. Forty-five minutes went by quickly, but the last 15 were like torture. I'm pretty sure that's because one, I knew how much time was left (I didn't even turn on the tv or the computer before I started reading) and two, reading had moved into the realm of analysis of the writer's particular topic, which isn't really relevant to what I'm wanting to get from it, although it's helpful to see the analysis. While I was reading TSLO came to hang out with me. She's funny in that she bats at my pen or highlighter, chasing it with her fuzzy little paw. So cute.

I think I've got to look at this like mini-research papers...on the following topics: life stages and development, gerontology, meaning-making, phenomenology, writing workshop. I think that's the way it needs to proceed. I could be wrong...but I think that's the way I'm going to proceed. After I finish reading this dissertation (possibly tomorrow or the next day), then it will be on to the research and writing of the gerontology part since that's what I've got here. I think.

I figured out that my lower back isn't hurting because of PMS; it's hurting because I was moving and hauling all kinds of crap with Junior Miss. I think it was that last cooler that did it. I get impatient and when I want things done, I want them done. What's the use in standing around twiddling our thumbs when we could be doing something which gets us that much closer to cocktails? I mean really. Move it. *sigh*

My stomach has been spectacularly upset all day. I'm starving but don't really know if I should have dinner. Particularly since what I was going to have was biscuits and gravy. Guess I'm going to have to figure out something else if I do want dinner. Maybe some popcorn. Possibly some oatmeal.

It's cold in the house. I guess I should turn the heat on. Or find a blanket. Steal it back from the puppy maybe.

Who here reads New York Magazine? The current issue has Lindsay Lohan doing Marilyn Monroe in "The Last Sitting". I'm not a big Lindsay fan. I haven't really watched any of her movies, and I don't think she's all that attractive. But. I have to say that I love that picture of her on the front page there. When I first saw it, I had to stop and think about it for a minute. She's not stick thin. The picture hasn't seemingly been airbrushed. It looks like there's no real shape to her thigh. And I love that. Good for her for being willing to risk being called "fat" (recall the recent dust-up about Jennifer Love-Hewitt).

If you click through the slide show, there are more pictures of Lindsay. I have to say I'm a tad bit jealous of her breasts and their tiny little nipples. I love my breasts, but am really quite self conscious about my nipples. Some people are stupid and cruel with the things they say, and even though you know that they're being stupid and cruel, it doesn't change that imprint. Sometimes you can joke about it and laugh, but it's still there, lurking.

I will never forget one of the last times X came to the apartment, although I can't remember why he was there. I want to say it had something to do with the motorcycle? I don't know. Anyway, he was telling me about his week or whatever, and relating a story about this crazy old woman running around naked in front of the Lake-Mill Lodge (or whatever it was/is called). And then he said to me, "You know, she had fucked up nipples, but they're nothing like yours. I've seen a lot of porn, and not come across anything like yours." Yeah thanks, fuckwit. It's not like they're mangled...or horrifying...in case you were wondering. And that was pre-modification, so to speak. What the hell? Why do people have to say shit like that?

I, do, though have a picture of my breasts that I love, nipples and all. My long, red, curly hair hanging half-way down my back; head back, eyes closed, little half-smile; hands above my head so that everything is back where it was when I was 18. Love that picture.

My plans for Wednesday night have been altered. I'm actually really, really bummed that what was supposed to happen isn't going to because I've been looking forward to it for a month. However. The alternate plans aren't shaping up too badly. So. All is not lost, even though I was very, very sad this morning. Note to self will still apply. Wonder what I'm going to wear. Hmmmmmm...guess I need to do laundries. *sigh*

Was told this evening that my writing is near "pitch perfect". I never quite know what to say when people tell me things like that. I say, "thank you" because I believe when someone gives you a compliment, you should gracefully accept it. I don't know, exactly, what it means, though...and I don't know if I believe it. This whole writing thing, except for the dissertation and we're not going to talk about that...I don't know about it. It's not like something that I spend a lot of time working on...even the stuff that I'm supposed to spend a lot of time and effort on. I'm a first draft writer, and while I used to talk to my students about drafting and revision, I've never done a whole lot of that. I have to wonder how much better I could be if I did do those things that writers are "supposed" to do.

Anyway. I didn't sleep well last night because I was trying not to puke, so I think I'm heading to the Land of Nod here pretty quick.

February 17, 2008

It's been a grouchy day. I think it started off poorly with the weather. The storm woke me up around 5:30 and I didn't get back to sleep. Everything pretty much went right downhill from there.

I dinna keen exactly that it would beneficial for me to detail all of that, so yeah. Just generally grouchy. Sex would probably help, but that's not going to happen since I want it, so ain't no use in thinking about it.

Have you all seen this? I have no idea if it's real or not, although it hasn't shown up on Snopes. It is only slightly funny. To me. For the most part, though, I find it somewhat offensive, even though it is written by a woman. Supposedly. I know that there are women who struggle mightily every month with their periods, but for the most part, I think there's this mythology about menstruation that doesn't quite live up to the actual experience of what happens with the great majority of women every month. How many of us turn into "homicidal maniacs in capri pants"? Really? Seriously?

I get a little grumpy, and I'm pretty sure it's why my lower back is killing me right now. Occasionally, I get very intensely sad. But all of *that* crap happens...for me...two weeks before my period actually starts. Sometimes...now...I have cramps. There have been times when they're excruciating, but it's all manageable. My period itself, while annoying and heavy to begin with, is a non-event. I know, as I said, that it's truly a trial for a lot of women, but I also think that it's probably not that big of a deal for an even bigger percentage of women.

I could be wrong. It's happened a number of times before. But.

I read some today for my dissertation. I have some better idea of where I need to go and what I need to be reading. This is my current plan (I have so many of them. *sigh*): I plan to read an hour every day. One hour. That's not too much to ask. Come home and walk the puppy, sit down read for an hour and then have dinner. Should work out OK. I think.

I found the Sner's boy's Christmas present. It was in a drawer. I thought that maybe I'd thrown it away. Will try to get it shipped off to him later this week. Along with the Sner's cds that should have been sent last year. *sigh* I hate mail. I really do.

I saw today that Brianna Dennison had been found. Poor thing and poor family. I think about how many times I wandered that campus...late at night from the old ed building to my car on the other side of the judicial college and think, there but for the grace, there go I.

Reminder to self: be careful Wednesday night when you are out and don't drink too much. (that last part shouldn't be a problem since I don't seem to drink a whole lot these days. Opened another beer last night and didn't drink it. Have finished one this evening, though)

Polly and I were going to go to St. Patrick's Day in Jackson again this year, but Hattiesburg is having a parade. The Jaycees are going to put a float in the parade. Which means I have something else to do. I'm kinda really bummed about it. It's a short parade route here in Hattiesburg--it's going to go from the 49 overpass on 4th Street to the Coliseum. A grand total of like a half a mile. *sigh* Not working for me. Plus, god knows what we're going to have to go to get a float ready to go. Bradley (our president) will dress up as a leprechaun for us. Other than that, god knows. We're going to throw out our mardi gras beads. And probably candy. Good deal. *sigh* Guess Polly and I can go to the baseball game afterward. Damn. I want to go see the Sweet Potato Queens.

I'm gonna be up forever tonight. I forgot that I needed to wash the sheets on the bed, and I've just now put them in the wash. It's 8:45 at night. Lord help me. I should have just waited until tomorrow, but you know how it goes. I need to flip the mattress, but with my back hurting right this minute, I don't think I should try that tonight, even though since the bed is stripped, now would be a good time. I'm trying to think of when I last did it. I think it's been a really long while. *sigh*

I should have done my taxes tonight. I suppose that it's really not too late. Since mine are incredibly simple. That means I'd have to locate last year's return, wouldn't I? Unless TaxAct has it saved from last year. I'm trying to remember if they did last year when I did them. Hmmmm...maybe I'll just file my nails and worry about it tomorrow night. Since I did just clip off my nails and get the finger nail file out.

I haven't been doing very well on my New Year's Resolutions of keeping my nails done and wearing lipstick. I actually left my lipstick at the theater last night. *sigh* Between washing my lipstick and leaving it places, I'm really down to two tubes. The Angel Red and the Berry Fusion. Those are not colors for the faint of heart. Guess I just need to get used to it. Or break down and spend the money on new lipstick. (if you would like to contribute to the fund, a fuzz could always use a Clinique Almost A Lipstick in Black Honey)

My Peach and I snuggled up this afternoon. She doesn't come around a whole lot, but it was just us in the bed this afternoon. She fell asleep and started drooling. Reminded me of the Moose...except it didn't stink to high heaven because she doesn't have a chronic infection in her mouth. It's sad to think that she's getting older. Peach has been a silent witness to some of the best and worst times of my life...this little friend who has been there. What happens when she dies? When I had to put the Moose to sleep, I said that the Peach was it...and now I have a full dessert here. *sigh*

I think I need a short drive. Grouchy. Yeah. Grouchy.

Seriously ill. Going to puke. Seriously going to puke. Pepto isn't helping. Good lord.

February 16, 2008

Junior Miss was over pretty quickly this evening. Nine girls and we kept it pretty hopping. Went out with friends for drinks afterward, and that was fun too. The Jackassclown was there, but he was at the other end of the table with the teenage boys, which is just about right where he fits in.

I wanted to talk about a couple of things tonight, but I'm kinda tired. I didn't get up in time to take the car in this morning, so I'll have to do it tomorrow. Maybe I'll update tomorrow morning while I'm waiting for the car to get serviced.

February 15, 2008

I'm just home from Junior Miss rehearsal. I often wonder why I get myself into these situations. I mean, I don't mind doing them while I'm there. Most of the time. But it wasn't where I wanted to be tonight, and it won't be where I want to be tomorrow night. Not that I had other plans. Just that I didn't want to be *there*. With some of *those* people. And the person I was talking to to keep me from passing out due to sheer boredom wasn't really the person I wanted to be talking to.

Cobbler needs a doggie bed. She pulls my throw blanket off the chair and lays on it at my feet. *sigh* I suppose I'll have to start looking for one. I saw one about this time last year in a Marshall's in Louisiana that would have been perfect for my bedroom.

I am still saddened by the events at NIU. These things affect me greatly. I want to believe the best about people, and I want to live my life in such a way that it is not controlled by fear. I've lived too much of my life in fear. I am careful and cautious and mindful, but these are the things that you can't quite guard against. This was obviously a troubled person, and that explains a lot. I know about those troubles because you know...my family, a little fucked up. But still. It's awful.

It's a weighty time in my mind. Anyone catch this article from the NYT Magazine this past weekend? I'm not exactly sure what to think about it. I am pro-choice, although I'm pretty sure it's a decision I couldn't make for myself, but I've always felt that the demarcation for abortion should be viability. If the fetus can't survive outside of the mother, either through medical intervention or on its own, then it's not an independent life...and thus is not deserving of protections that a living, breathing child is granted. This line about when fetus can't process and feel pain seems to roughly coincide with viability, which means it's not really an issue for me when it comes to the issue of abortion.

My more callous self questions why it matters if the fetus is going to be aborted. I mean, it's not as if the fetus is going to *remember* that pain, but I also know that I believe we should use humanely slaughter animals destined for consumption. If I'm willing to cede that compassion to animals, I should be willing to cede it to a fetus. (I can't call it a baby. It's not a baby until it's born)

The other thing interesting about that article (to me) is the imprintation of pain and how pain changes us. That is something that I can readily buy into. I know that I very rarely get headaches anymore; I get migraines. It doesn't matter how the ache in my head starts. If I don't catch it quickly, it's going to turn into a migraine. It's like my brain remembers that pain, and that's all it knows anymore.

I also wonder how that all works when it comes to the pleasure/pain thing.

I opened a beer. Totally disinclined to drink it. *sigh* I suppose I should just take myself to bed. I need to get up early in the morning and take the car in. So am not looking forward to sitting there forever while all of that gets taken care of.

February 14, 2008

"Starin' down the barrel of an old shotgun, I can tell tonight is gonna be some fun..."

It's a good thing that the neighbors aren't home. I have the stereo cranked. It's my "good times" playlist. So far tonight there's been Mumbo Gumbo, Culture Club, Izzy Stradlin', Led Zepplin, Jonatha Brooke...who knows what's going to pop up next.

Just finished cooking the steak. Have poured the glass of wine.

I had the puppy sleep in one of her sweaters last night since it was colder than a witch's teat last night. She didn't seem to mind it anymore. She was cute in it.

All things considered, I'm in an outstanding mood tonight. Not quite sure what's up, but there it is. Giddily happy. It's been a good day. I had a good hair day. I was cute in my Valentine's outfit. A sweet friend brought me a grande, decaf, nonfat cinnamon dolce latte because I said it would make my morning perfect. And it did. Then another friend let me know that she'd picked up a little happy for me. Heard from all the boys, even though I suspect that a couple were generic all-calls. It's all good. It's been a happier Valentine's Day than I've had in awhile.

Pitchers and catchers reported today, although for my Royals, most of them have already been there for the last week. Not that I believe it's going to do a whole lot of good, but I can dream. I don't want to even think about the rest of the scandals and congressional oversight hearings and bullshit. I'll just say that Clemens is a liar. Just suck it up and admit and move on. Dammit.

The PSB obviously wants to play tonight, but I'm not really sure that's a direction I want to go. I'm all for playing and flirting and teasing and building anticipation. But motherfuckers, that gets old after awhile. And...I'm pretty sure that's not even what I want because what's the point? I suppose I'll know if he shows up Wednesday night. I told him it was his chance to make things up to me, but I really doubt that he'll show. Which is fine. I'll go by myself. That's what adults do, eh? I'd like to have someone with me just so I feel like less of a loser, but give me a beer or two and I'll get over that I suspect. Last time didn't start so auspiciously, but it wound up fabulous.(for those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about you'll have to go back several months)

Am suddenly not feeling so great. Found out that a friend's family has been affected by the shooting at NIU. It seems somehow obscene to be giddily happy when others are suffering so terribly. There was more that I had planned to say tonight...things about reciprocation and the nature of need and how you tell someone that you want them without fear, but that as seems like so much...tripe. I know that shitty things happen in the world every day and that we cannot live our lives paralyzed by the tragedy of existing, but when it's someone that you know, it's harder to be oblivious.

Just like last year when I didn't understand the shootings at Virginia Tech, I don't understand this. I didn't understand it at LA Tech either. I have to wonder again what is wrong with us as a society that we create these people who are so disconnected from the rest of us that such things become possible. Where are these people's support network? Who is there for them to bounce ideas off of, to catch them when they fall? Why do they not let people in, to be their support?

It is times like now that I really hate being alone. I wish there was someone here. Because I worry about the dark corners of my own soul.

February 13, 2008

I feel like I should write an ode to Advil Cold and Sinus. Went to Walgreens today, where they actually had some (WalMart didn't last night), and the difference is amazing. I've been taking several different kinds of OTC cold meds all to no effect. Pop one little red pill, and the world is somehow more beautiful and perfect than it was. I still feel like shit, but my head doesn't feel like it's going to come off of my neck. I can't tell you how wonderful that is.

Tomorrow's the big day. Are you ready? Have the perfect plans made? When I was at Walgreens this afternoon (1:30) it was PACKED. People were digging through the cards and candy, picking up teddy bears and other ridiculous stuffed animals. How much money did the card/candy/flower/toy companies make in the last week?

I was asked if the boy was going to do anything for Valentine's Day, which cracked me up. Besides the fact that I don't like Valentine's Day (for like 100th time), he and I don't have that sort of relationship. So I giggled.

I decided to paint my toenails. That means I won't get to go to bed for a little while. Because I will need to make sure that my polish is dry. *sigh* I also need to do my fingers, but since I broke a nail off in the quick this weekend, I'm going to wait until this weekend. It will be long enough then for me to file it and have it look decent.

I've been dragging ass lately. Yesterday, I was out of the bed at 7:10 and at work on time. This morning it was 7:15...and on time, although I was sporting a slicked back ponytail with a deep side part. Sorta professional. Ponytail really isn't my look, though. I've got to get up early enough in the morning in order to wash my hairs. I thought about wearing my sassy red dress tomorrow, but I think I'm a little too pale just yet and I don't have the right heels for it. I need some cute round-toe black heels that don't have an ankle strap for that whole 50s feel. All I have are cute round-toe heels with an ankle strap. *sigh* New heels aren't in my budget just this moment.

I tried to send Valentine's e-cards to all of my friends tonight, but apparently those of you who work for the Washoe County School District are not allowed to receive mail from yahoo.com. Sorry, very sorry. Know that I was thinking about you. Even though I hate Valentine's Day.

Oh. Had some correspondence with my chair today. *sigh* My target is a chapter to him by the first week of March. That means I gotta get to work. Seriously. It's all so overwhelming. I seriously don't even really know where to start.

I think my toes are dry, so I'm going to swallow some Nyquil (might be why I'm struggling to wake up in the morning) and go to sleep.

I was going to bake cookies tonight because oatmeal butterscotch pecan cookies sounded good, but I decided not to. Maybe tomorrow night. Maybe. I had a chicken salad sandwich for dinner. The same thing I had for lunch. I'm kinda feeling like a steak. Perhaps I'll pick one up tomorrow on the way home and then fire up the grill. Some broccoli cheesy rice to go along with it? Yum. Guess I've decided, huh?

February 12, 2008

Tummy is slightly better today, but I'm still going to bed early.

A hideous storm passed through here this afternoon. Y'all know that I'm not all that good with storms, but criminy. I've gotten better. I feel the anxiety build, but it isn't debilitating. I don't know that it ever was. I'm an adult. With responsibilities. I no longer have the luxury of a breakdown because the weather is bad. Or because there's a roach in the house. Or because I'm driving over a really high bridge. I think I've lost patience for people who are that...self-indulgent is what I want to say, I suppose.

I am a grumpus. I should probably remain silent. *sigh*

Y'all see this news out of Australia? I have some Aussie acquaintances, and they seem to uniformly believe that what happened today was long overdue and the right thing to do. I find it hard to believe that people felt like the right thing to do was remove children from their families...just because they were different. That assimilation was the best thing for those kids. I mean, I suppose different mores and things like that, but good grief.

Ready for Valentine's Day?

I think that's probably it for the evening. Y'all sleep tight.

February 11, 2008

I am puking sick today...in addition to my sniffles. It's been better the last couple of days, but today. Just awful. Oatmeal for breakfast, nothing for lunch, quite possibly nothing for dinner.

Walked my puppy when I got home. I'm concerned that she's perhaps a little too thin. I think I might need to feed her more. She gets a cup of food twice a day, which is what I think she's supposed to get, but. She looks a little skinny to me...and she just drooled on me. Not that it matters. Just sayin'.

It was a beautiful day here. Low 70s. Sunshine. Things are starting to blow. On our walk tonight, I saw daffodils starting to unfurl. I'm pretty sure that I saw buds on the azaleas at the corner of the house. Time is slipping away from me.

Stumbled across the Washington Post's Valentine's Fiction for 2007. Interesting story about a stretch of highway that I'm vastly familiar with, as are many of you. I'm always amazed at people who can construct good fiction. I cannot. That's not the kind of writer that I am. I can't do that. I've tried, and creativity does not bloom in my soul. It never has. I can draw if I copy someone else's work. I occasionally take a good picture, but I'm not sure exactly how much talent that takes. My writing...I do not even really know what it is. Perhaps the occasional astute observation. A couple of nicely turned phrases, but much more than that is pushing it I think.

Also dug up this piece of fluff about men and their wandering eyes. (you find lots of odd stuff at aldaily.com) I don't understand being pissed off about your boy looking at another woman. I think as long as he's making you feel like you're the star of the show, then who cares? Look at strippers, watch porn, whatever trips your trigger. I'm secure enough in who I am to be pretty nonplussed about such things. When I start feeling like I'm being ignored, that's when my insecurities come out.

Then there is this piece of comforting commentary. I don't know that I ever want to be married. I've made it to my 30s without crossing that threshold, when many of my friends are on their second whirl with such, and I have to wonder if really in all this time, there was something (and continues to be) something wrong with me. I bought into the idea that while I was young, I needed to take care of me. Get this whole education thing taken care of and out of the way and then the rest of my life would shake out the way it's supposed to.

In my more pessimistic moments, I wonder if I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. All of my friends who have gone on to happy second and third relationships jumped right into them while I made a conscious decision to wait. I sometimes wonder if that was a mistake.

There are times when I'm *very* lonely. But. There are also times when I'm more than content with just being by myself, puppy at my feet. It doesn't take a whole lot to draw me out of that funk. Maybe it is, as one person once told me, that I settle for too little. Coach once asked me, "Don't you want any more than this? Don't you want to know more? Have more?" Maybe. Some days. Most of the time, no. Maybe that's a whole walls-up-protection issue. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I think it is more an issue of I want what I want when I want it. If I want you tonight, then I want you tonight. If I want to go to a show, then I want you to come with me. I appreciate reciprocation; it keeps me from feeling like I'm being used. And if he's not willing to do that, then I'll be sad because it's usually better together, but I've been doing it alone long enough that it's not a big deal anymore. I can go to a bar by myself; I know what I like. I can handle it alone; there are just times when I would rather not. (and in this reflective moment, I can totally acknowledge that I did not even attempt to gloss over that walls thing. I'm leaving that for another day...perhaps one fueled by alcohol or whatever)

I feel like pudding. Of course, I have none here. Who keeps pudding at the house? I'm dressed. I suppose I could go to the store. But that's too much effort. Think I'm probably going to take some cold medicine, drink some Pepto, and make my way to my bed. It's not even 9:00. I am a sad case, aren't I?

February 10, 2008

I have been useless today. Came home from the boy's this morning, took the puppy around the block, fed her, and then crawled into my bed until about noon. Was up for a little while, but crawled back in the bed around 3:00. Got up at 6:00. Poor doggie.

If I were looking to have the alcohol get me through the dark night of the soul, it didn't really work. I don't think. I don't remember. I hate it when that happens. Not that it happens very often. I just don't like being that out of control. I like to remember what happens. The hardest part is only having pieces of it.

I slept like a rock, though (I meant to come home, but I was probably unable to drive). Probably snored terribly (sorry).

I've been having frightening dreams lately. Had an awful one when I got home. It was really weird. Lots of people I know were in it, but everyone was fighting and getting killed. We were at the beach and then Woke up during the last decapitation. I keep waiting for the dream, the one that I had for years, but thus far, it's not made a reappearance. Instead I'm dreaming about things that I thought were long since dealt with and buried. I suppose that makes sense given the time of the year. While I don't hate February as much as I hate December, it's not real high on my list of favorite months.

Still in a funk. I'm hoping that it doesn't last the whole month. Maybe it's the whole mercury retrograde thing. Whatever it is, I want it to be over with.

Watched the Grammy's tonight. It was a good show this year. I thought.

Made dinner tonight. Cheese grits. Spicy shrimp. I hate peeling shrimp. really hate it. But it was worth it. And now I have dinner for the rest of the week. Even though I hate left-overs. Gotta figure out what I'm having for lunch for the next week, though. Hmmmmm...peanut butter and jelly probably. If the bread's still good. If not, I suppose oatmeal always works.

I didn't get the oil in the car changed this weekend. There wasn't really anyone there when I drove by this morning, but I didn't think that braless and in my Christmas pajama bottoms was really the way to approach that one. Will need to get that taken care of this week. Next week I have a trip to Jackson planned, and the oil really, really needs to be changed before that happens.

At any rate...It's time for me and the puppy to go to bed. Hopefully it'll be smooth sailing.

February 9, 2008

It was a beautiful here in South Mississippi, but for some reason, I'm not a happy fuzz. I keep hearing a song lyric: this blackness that has seeped into my chest. I know what it is, but I'm not exactly sure how to fix it. I suppose that it's something that will just go away on its own.

I have decided that the best way to deal with this sadness is to drink. I've not really gotten intoxicated in quite awhile. With the upset tummy, alcohol was completely and totally unappealing. Tummy is still not feeling up to par, but what the hell. Exigent circumstances and all.

I have to finish writing out my Valentines. I hope that you all appreciate them because I freakin' hate Valentine's Day. It just seems like such an exclusionary, artificial thing.

Anyway. Went shopping today so I can fix shrimp and grits for dinner for the next week. I could only find quick grits at the store, but I suppose that's OK. I've heard that the instant grits are from the devil, so I avoided them.

Nothing else to say. Dark night of the soul and all.

February 8, 2008

I stayed home today. Well. Yeah. Sorta. Had business to take care of this morning, and while I was out, for some reason got a bug about doing my dissertation. I kinda sorta outlined chapter one and found some resources that I think will help. Printed off a dissertation from 1999 that is similar to what I want to do (and even uses phenomenology as the research methodology) and will probably read that tomorrow or Sunday morning while I wait for the oil change/tire rotation, alignment, balance to happen. Y'all say a prayer or light a candle that this burst of inspiration or whatever the hell this is stays with me. I'm afraid I might already feeling it waning.

Had grits for breakfast this morning...for the first time ever I think. They weren't half bad, although they were a little heavy on the butter. I'm pretty sure that was the first time I'd had them for breakfast. I can only remember having them with shrimp, which is probably what I will make on Sunday to have to eat the rest of the week. (I'm still working on the blackbean soup. God I hate left-overs, but I am poor, so that's what I eat) Since I already have the shrimps in the freezer, that should be some cheap eats for the next week. I think I still have some sausage up there too...although I think I like it better with bacon...hmmmmm.

It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend. Not exactly sure what I'm going to do with it. If I were smart, I'd coop myself up somewhere and read for this stupid dissertation. I know that I need to go to USM and pick up a couple of books. Read them or skim them or something.

I didn't pay attention to the news today, so I have little commentary there.

Got some good news this afternoon. One source of stress gone for a little while. It really is a relief.

Somehow I managed to scratch my right eyeball. Killing me. Spent all morning with it weeping. *sigh* Put my glasses on as soon as I got home. Not sure what happened...unless I've worn that pair of contacts too long, which is entirely possible. I have a bad habit of doing that.

Kinda tired. Will probably go to bed here soon. I don't have anything else to do, and sleeping sounds as good as anything else. Drink a little Nyquil (cold is getting better).

Why do local car dealers point at you in their commercials? And for that matter, why do local car dealers have such uniformly awful commercials?

I waxed last night. Really the more often you do it, the easier it gets. It didn't take nearly as long as it has in the past, and it didn't seem to hurt as badly as it did.

Anyway. I'm going to bed. Y'all have a good night.

February 7, 2008

My puppy's winter coat came in today. She's soooooooo cute in it!

Happy New Year! Today is the Chinese New Year. I was going to have hot and sour soup at lunch, but didn't get around to it. It's the year of the rat. Yet another chance to start again.

I am suddenly sad. Things started off so well, but now. Well now. Yeah. I know what it is, but sometimes I prefer to keep things to myself. It's easier occeasionally.

February 6, 2008

The weather came through last night about 2:30. Doggie was upset and whining, so I brought her into bed with me. Yeah that didn't calm her down at all, and I didn't get back to sleep. Eventually gave up the fight, got up, and took her for a walk once the storming was done. Very tired today. Will probably try to go to bed early tonight.

I'm pretty sure that I don't have a whole lot to say tonight. I've been doing good at posting consistently, and some times I run out of things to say. There wasn't a whole lot going on in the news today, outside of the elections and the tornados (good bless those poor folks) so I have nothing. Well I did have something, but I don't even know how to begin to put it into words.

Valentine's Day is coming, complete with all the resulting pressure that goes along with it. I think I've always hated Valentine's Day, which means it's pretty strange that I send my friends Valentine's cards. Probably in an attempt to reorder the whole thing in my head. A friend is currently looking for a good guy gift for Valentine's Day, but I have no clue what to tell her. My standard was his favorite meal and sex however he wanted it. It seemed to work for him. I'm never quite sure why we feel like our love has to be expressed through things...and if we don't get certain things, then we must not be loved. I am, though, looking forward to some conversation hearts. Those make me happy for some strange reason. Kinda like Peeps make me happy.

Just watched a commercial for Antonelli College--technical school or some such. The person that they're using as an example of success is missing a tooth, near the front of her mouth. If they'd shot the scene from the other side, you would have never even known it. Now every time I see that commercial, that's all I can focus on.

Going to bed. Night y'all.

February 5, 2008

I think I'm going to have to turn the AC on to go to bed tonight. It's 80 here today. There were supposed to be gawd awful storms, but they went way north. Memphis has taken a terrible hit.

Flu has arrived in the 'burg. The offspring of one of the guys at work has been officially diagnosed. With a strain that is not covered by the flu shot. My throat is killing me, as are my ears, but I'm no running a fever, so that's OK. I think, though, that I'm maybe not going to work tomorrow. I wanted to come home early today...after I got our monthly reports done and out the mail, but I didn't get everything I needed in order to get the reports out. Which means they have to be done tomorrow. Which means I should go to work tomorrow. *sigh* I guess that depends on how I feel when I wake up.

I made jalapeno black bean sausage soup tonight for dinner. Crumbled a little feta cheese up on the top. Served over Mexican cornbread. So very good. It's a good thing I'm not kissing anyone this evening. The garlic/onion/cumin/jalapeno mix probably wouldn't go over well.

Since it's Mardi Gras, I'm going to have a little piece of King Cake before I go to bed.

I've not paid attention to the election returns. Go Obama. I was listening to Hillary this morning on GMA and she pissed me off. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it comes down to...I don't want another Clinton in office. We've been there done that, and while it wasn't too bad the first time around, I'm not sure how it can be much different this time.

Speaking of Mardi Gras, any of y'all observing Lent? Got anything you're going to give up for the next 40 days? I'm not Christian so I don't think I'm giving anything up.

Walked my puppy again this evening. She's been asleep in her create since we got home. No head on me when I'm trying to eat or type. Guess I need to remember to walk her more often.

I have to reorder my resume to downplay the fact that I almost have a PhD. One of the jobs that I applied for in December is still open, so I think here tomorrow or Thursday, I'm going to send them a new resume and cover letter that somehow touts all of that experience while minimizing their concerns about my education. I'd be perfect for it...if it paid enough, which is a concern.

I turned the air on. I couldn't take it. Since I'm falling asleep now, I'm going to bed.

February 4, 2008

More reflections on Mardi Gras 2008:

• I have to remember next time that I either have to take contact solution or I should just wear my glasses. Just like in New York, by about the end of the afternoon, all of the filth from the city made its way onto my contacts as a film that made it difficult for me to see. Seeing everything through a haze is not a fun experience, so I will have to remember to fix that.
• We have to remember to bring a radio. Some zydeco would have been perfect as we were watching and waiting. I thought about bringing mine but then totally forgot before I walked out the door. Kinda like I forgot my sunglasses and the trash bags. That happened because while I made several lists trying to think of everything we might need, I forgot to make a list as I was putting things the car. *sigh*

Walked the puppy tonight. We have to start walking again. It's just been so dark and cold when I've gotten up or gotten home so we haven't gone. It was nice to move. I didn't have the headphones for my phone so we were just wandering aimlessly, but that's OK. We're going to get up in the morning and go again...if it's not raining.

Little stressed out. Trying to get this stupid thing worked out with my student loan is giving me a rash. I'm sure it's going to be fine in the next couple of days. In the mean time, though, it's just stressful. Got a rather bitchy customer service person when I called to hopefully get it straightened out this evening. *sigh*

Today our district engineer came in to see my boss, and he asked me if I'd been camping lately. As y'all well know, I've not, but I'm thinking that I should here soon. I have a bit of an itch to go. I've got things to do the next two weekends, but I'm thinking that maybe the weekend of the 22nd, i can get out and head somewhere. I don't know exactly where I'll go. Somewhere close I guess. Maybe one of the Pat Harrison parks. Gotta get a new air mattress before then, though. Since mine is dead, and I don't like sleeping on the hard ground, it's a must.

I'm watching a show on the Discovery Channel about the Pacific Coast Highway. That was a beautiful drive. I always wanted to do that on a motorcycle. I suppose one of these days I will.

Just for giggles and kicks this morning, I was doing some browsing at the Tiffany site. I'm not a big fan of jewelry. I don't wear a lot under the best of circumstances. However, if I had $200 just laying around with nothing to do with it, I found a ring I think I'd wear.

I'm supposed to be writing out my Valentines. I figure they're doubly important this year as I didn't send any Christmas cards out. *sigh* I meant to. I just didn't get around to it.

I think I'm ready to try it again, although I also think I was just a bitch. Probably shouldn't have been. Should probably apologize. Will do that now. *sigh* Just because someone is an ass to me doesn't mean I have the right to be bitchy to them. I try...and sometimes I fall short. I try to be patient and understanding. Should probably try harder, I guess. Sometimes my own insecurities get the better of me. Not that it's an excuse. Just that it is.

I miss him, I don't get to see him, he doesn't respond to me...whether through a problem with his phone (which doesn't explain other formats) or just a desire to not communicate with me; I don't know which it is, and I don't know if it matters. I'm constantly off-balance, and I hate that. He tells me I shouldn't doubt him; he tells me that he really, really likes me (he was very intoxicated then, so I don't know that it counts...unfortunately for him, I remember everything). But then I'm stuck here in this nothingness, wondering what the fuck I've done wrong. I was really happy with whatever we had before Thanksgiving, but when I went away, something changed. I have no clue what that was or why. I suppose that doesn't matter really. It is what it is, and either I can adapt to that or I can't. I'm trying to figure that out...if whatever this is now meets my needs or if it doesn't.

I think I need a blizzard. Mud Fudge. Or another glass of wine. I opted for the wine. Will have consumed a bottle by myself tonight. Does not help with my ruminations.

I didn't write out my Valentines. *sigh* Tomorrow. I need to go to bed.

February 3, 2008

Reflections on Mardi Gras 2008:

• While we had a very convenient spot in terms of distance to the bathroom and being shaded, etc., next time we go, we will want to make sure that we're not in a spot that has a balcony overhead. Because of that unfortunate circumstance, we got very beads. Not that we didn't get beads; we did. Just not as many as we should have (that's a strange choice of words considering that it's not a deal where they have to throw you beads...they throw them to you because they want to) because there were people above us that they chose to throw to instead.
• We might want to consider somewhere else to park. Yes where we were was covered and I would suppose safe, but it was a long way to carry all of our stuff coming, even longer going back. It was also expensive, although I didn't pay so I don't know what I'm grousing about. If we had gotten more beads, it would have been freakin' miserable to hike that far back. There are all kinds of lots between St. Charles and the freeway that would have been a little more convenient to where we were and the hike would have only been maybe 3 blocks.
• We had a lot of stuff. Way too much food and drink. I suppose that's a really good thing because we didn't need to purchase anything while we were in New Orleans (except hand grenades...sorry recovering New Orleans economy), but again, there was the issue of carrying it all back to the car. Some of it wasn't even opened. So, next year, we probably need to have some better coordination there.
• Taking crawfish to eat was a stroke of brilliance. As we were chowing down, people kept asking us where we got the crawfish. Sebe was totally in his element teaching not only LK how to eat them, but our California "friends" as well. Fifteen pounds was about right, and while the ones from Seafood King were more expensive than the ones from Lake Serene, they were definitely spiced better. Hopefully next year, Mardi Gras will be later and the crawfish will be cheaper.
• We ladies perfected Porta-Potty use. Using a porta-potty at such events, if you're female requires a wad of paper towels and some handi-wipes. The paper towels are used to remove anything that is left on the seat, which is then wiped down with the handi-wipe. Business gets taken care of and another handi-wipe gets used. Upon exiting, another handi-wipe is used for hands. Makes an unpleasant situation less unpleasant. The porta-potties weren't bad until the last time we used them, which was about 9:00, I'd say. By that time, they were beginning to get really, really full. Interesting observation from Tina: It's scary as hell when someone from a float throws something and it hits the porta-potty. You have no clue what's going on, if the porta-potty is going to tip over or what. (that's an image none of us need to think about) Tina's observation was confirmed by Paul (sorry don't remember his last name...I suppose if I blew up that part of the photo, I could get it), sweet cute sheriff's deputy to cuffed LK for a photo op.
• Even though you're not supposed to show your goods on the parade route, the riders on the float want you to. If you're willing to give up the goods, so to speak, they're more than willing to give you the goods. Our "friends" from California, were willing to give it up. I wasn't going to type something out about the aesthetic quality of their breasts, but you know, I'm sure that mine aren't all that good looking either when they come out to play. More than that, though, I really need to guard against judgments like that. Everyone is beautiful, and beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty isn't just 20 year old, high and round breasts. Confidence is attractive, but that wasn't what was in evidence last night. That was all alcohol-fueled.
• Some folks are just rude. We got to our spot at about 8:30-8:45 in the morning. And we staked out our area. It was comfortable. During the morning parades, we kept our chairs up on the curb and didn't move in, but when Endymion rolled and there were more people, we compressed a bit. We still had room to move around a bit, though. However, there were folks who thought that room to move meant they could come on up. There were several women (mostly) who didn't get the hint. I had to physically move one of them and tell her that she needed to get back since we'd been there for 12 hours. Her response? So. One woman actually took the lit cigarette out of Sebe's mouth and threw it into the street...because he wasn't going to let her move on up. That took some serious balls. I'm not a real confrontational person, so that aspect of things was a little difficult to handle. It was also a little freaky because as some of you well know, I've been keenly aware of how unstable crowds can be, and am often uncomfortable in them with people that close to me and my things (in particular my backpack).
• The converse of that is we were friendly with folks. LK let this couple from Chicago come up and hang out with us. In between parades in the morning, Sebe, Tina, and I had a conversation with a guy from Scotland who had gotten in the night before to experience the party. He and Sebe talked politics; we gave him some King Cake (from Paul's so he was getting the really good stuff). It was kinda free movement between us and the folks from California. As mentioned earlier, Sebe taught them how to eat crawfish. They offered to keep watch over our things while some folks headed to the French Quarter. By the end of the night, Shelia (?) and Kat kept insisting that we were going to come and stay with them in San Felipe. I don't even know if contact info was exchanged, but that kind of fast-friendship is I guess part of what the whole deal is about.
• Women will talk about interesting things when you've given them a couple of cocktails and put them in situations where inhibitions are already lowered. Actually, I'm not sure that most of the time you have to even go that far. Women are the equals to men, I think when it comes to such things. All I know is that I have a something new I need to try.
• We need to dress up next year. Maybe as pirates. Conveniently I have a purple corset that will make for part of an excellent pirate costume. Maybe.
• Gotta say that I loved that all those girlies in the sequined flag/baton girl outfits weren't skinny sticks. There is something courageous about being chubby and puting on a tiny little outfit with some fishnet stockings and marching down the street. LK said she wanted one of those outfits, and I told her that I thought Cari could probably hook us up with some of them. If that's what she wanted to wear to Mardi Gras next year.
• There were some strange folks along the parade route. I have some big boobs, but not nearly as big as the girlie across the way. Criminy. There was one red-headed drunk girl that was asking anyone that walked by if she could have their beads, or their drink, or their whatever. They said no to her every single time. Kinda felt bad for the drunk sorority girl that fell or was pushed off her cooler and hit the police barricade ribs first.
• The street preachers are always an interesting phenomenon. The first one we saw (I think) was a black man with a speaker strapped to his back, moving up and down the street, with a Bible in his hand, saying that now was Jesus's time too. Then there was the Christian Clown Corps...a bunch of men dressed as clowns moving up and down St. Charles. Sometime later, after a trip to the Porta-Potties, I noticed young people with a portable PA system, attempting to preach or witness or something. The one girl that I heard was apparently waiting on the Spirit to move and inspire her, but it never did. I guess I understand why they're there, but I have to wonder exactly what they hope to accomplish in the places they chose to do their work. Earlier in the day was certainly better, but by the time people were well lubricated, which could have been as early as 10 in the morning, it was a completely losing battle. In those instances, I wonder...does it become something where you can pat yourself on the back and say that you were fighting the good fight?
• There was one really, really uncomfortable moment for me, and I had no clue how to handle it. (see non-confrontational thing above) Between the first and second parades, a younger couple walked by. Both of them drunk. He was yelling at her, she was walking away from him. He grabbed the canvas bag that she was carrying and pulled her up short, twisting the bag and her arm in the process. He kept yelling at her; she was crying. I said to the people around me that he needed to stop that, that something needed to be done, but no one did anything. I had an urge to walk over to them (they were only five feet away from us) to tell him to stop, to let her go and walk in the opposite direction. But I didn't. Everyone was watching them, but no one did anything. We all watched them walk away, with him still holding on to the bag (and her arm). I get that it was a volatile situation. Domestic violence always is, and it's even more so when alcohol is added to the mix. And I don't know what any one of us should have done, but I really felt like we should have done something. I'm afraid that things weren't pleasant for her when they got home, and logically I know that wouldn't have changed if someone had stepped in on the street, but I am still bothered. I know why I didn't move when I felt like I should. I was scared. Was the career marine next to us scared too? Or did people just think that it was none of their business? Do they not have my history and therefore weren't triggered by what they saw? I wonder what happened when they got home. Reading today, I guess there was a reason to be scared, but I am still bothered that no one at least said anything.
• After a day of partying, coming home is a little, anticlimactic and sad. I don't know what other folks were thinking, if they were thinking. I think everyone but Sebe and I were asleep on the drive home. He was driving (I wonder if he was having some troubles staying awake. The driving was a little...erratic. I probably should have made an effort to talk to him when I got concerned. Instead I started singing with the radio). I have a very hard time sleeping when the car is moving, so even though I was tired (that was the longest I'd been up in a couple of weeks), I wasn't going to sleep.

That's all I have for right now, I think. If I remember something else, I'll certainly post it.

I'm supposed to be at a Super Bowl party right now, but it's been a rough day. I haven't felt good and the meds have made it worse. I know some of you are thinking it's due to over-indulgence yesterday, but while I might have had a buzz earlier in the day, I quit before I got awful. Plus I took advil and drank water before I went to bed. Today's illness isn't about yesterday. Had some dinner and I feel better now. Kinda sad that I'm not with friends, but I really think that home is where I needed to be today, snuggled up with my puppy.

Even though I scoffed at it, my horoscope was right in that I was going to experience again what it means to be strongly attracted to someone. Given the context of the original horoscope, I thought it was going to be a good thing. It wasn't. Even my own considerably healthy ego can only take so much rejection and ignoring. Maybe that's the whole point; I don't know. I just know that right now, again, it doesn't feel good. I wonder why I keep slamming my fingers in the door. What is wrong with me that I am compelled to keep going back where it is clear that I am not particularly wanted? I guess maybe I just need to be told, "Go away."

I turned my phone off when I got home last night. Haven't had it on all day. I never turn my phone off. Never. Not sure what the point was, although it was nice to not be connected to it today while I slept off whatever was wrong with me.

Tummy is still off-and-on upset. Definitely not pregnant, though.

Read this article in the WaPo about the Lincoln Memorial. One of these days, I'm going to go to Washington DC. It's on my list of places to go, things to do. Maybe next year for spring break...when I'm teaching again so I have time off, and I have more money hanging around.

Also read this article by Ehrenreich. (Did I tell you that I read Bait and Switch? Kinda scary) I really do think there's a disconnect out there, and I can't quite figure out why people aren't pulling their heads out of their asses. I don't understand economics. I really don't. That was X's balliwick; not mine. I just know that lots of the people that I know are working hard, at jobs that are decent, and they can't make ends meet. There's something wrong with that. I have no idea how to fix it, though.

Did y'all see that Maria Shriver is endorsing Barack Obama? I wonder what it's like in the Governor's mansion in California seeing as her husband endorsed McCain. True that they've always been political opposites, and as far as Republicans go, Califronia's governor isn't much of one. I suppose they're not that far apart politically as it seems when you just look at the Republican/Democratic divide. Lots of families are on different sides of the spectrum, I suppose. I wonder how families can somehow negotiate those differences without being vitriolic for the most part, but those of us in wider society can't get it together and remain respectful.

Anyway. Mardi Gras 2008 photos are up. Give them a look-see. I'm going to have a snack, and then I think I'm going to bed. Not like I haven't been there most of the day, but going back sounds like a decent plan.

February 1, 2008

I think I'm ready to head off to Mardi Gras tomorrow. I have the beer. The King Cake. The handiwipes and the bathroom wipes. The papertowels. Even the crawfishes. We should be good to go. I just have to remember to stop and get the ice. And get the battery for my camera. And decide which shoes to wear. (I think I've decided on the outfit) Oh. I gotta remember to put the chairs in the car too. I better make a list or I'll forget.

It was a strange day in my world. I was in a really good mood. Happy. Silly. No one was responding to me, though. *sigh* There's that whole rejection thing working again.

I should be in bed. I've got to get up early so I can get a shower and finish getting ready to leave.

I have some awful, horrid cramps tonight. I'm hoping that they go away by tomorrow.

I was going to paint my finger and toe nails tonight, but I didn't get around to it. Maybe I'll get up early enough to do my toes in the morning. File my nails sometime during the day tomorrow.

Today kicks off Black History Month. I don't mind, but there are lots of people down here that do. I must rather sheepishly admit, though, that there are some other things I mind. I listen to NPR every day on sirius. I listened to music for awhile and now I listen to the news. I dunno. Anyway. News and Notes is part of the line-up for NPR on Sirius. I am a little perplexed that every week we have a "Mocha Moms" and "The Barbershop" and most of the profiled musicians are urban/world musicians, usually from Africa. I get that I'm listening to just a selection, but I have to wonder if there's any attempt at balance. I mean, is there a Hispanic/Latin Moms segment somewhere, and I'm just not hearing it? I'd like a plurality of perspectives, and I have to wonder why I'm only getting one. Tonight I don't really want to think about any ugly implications of those thoughts. I'll consider it maybe tomorrow.

I think I'm going to get rid of my highlights and just let my gray come in. I know I said I wasn't ready to stop fighting that battle, but I'm losing it anyway, and I have no desire to be a blonde (no offense to the blondes in the audience). I had my hair done two weeks ago, and the gray is just shot through. It makes me feel very old. And I'm not appreciating that at all.

Gave the dog a bath tonight. She really is such a good dog. She hopped right in the tub and stood there. Looking at me like I was trying to murder her.

I'm watching a Nightline about a 5 year old out of control. Good god. That's one of my greatest fears when it comes to having a child. I'd like to think that it's a matter of firm boundaries for your child, but it seems like it would be easy to let it get away from you. The 500th time you say no, how easy would it be to just say yes for a moment of peace?

Ok. I really have to go to bed. This is the latest I've been up in a week...and tomorrow is a really, really long day. Night y'all.