December 2010

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December 2010

December 25, 2010

Morning Update

It is Christmas morning, and I am up watching the best of Headline News on CNN, but I'm fixing to change the channel. Matt has gone to work, and I will shortly be heading across the way to make muffins. I need to go run as well, but I don't think the treadmill has been moved back into its place. Last night I'd contemplated running outside, but this morning it is raining, which means there will be no road running this morning.

We had the family Christmas last night because Matt has to work. Lots and lots of food, which was a very good thing. Matt, Mark, Beth, and I stayed up to play Upwords after his brother and sister-in-law left. Matt was tired and wanted to go to bed, but it made his momma happy so that's what he did. His momma would have liked it if Will and Tina had stayed as well; it would have been a lovely Christmas gift to her to have her family around the table, with her for a little while longer.

I get that when you get married, you create a new family. Your own family. The two of you, separate from each of your own families. But I don't get hurting people who only want to love, help, and support you. Who doesn't need more people in their lives who are on their sides? Who doesn't need more people in their lives who will drop what they're doing to assist you? How is that a bad thing?

Lots of drama in families right now. Christmas seems to be a trigger for many people. I know in the past it has been that way in my family. I am glad that I have found a safe harbor. Perhaps the best gift I have ever been given is this family. Lots of people who care about me and are willing to shelter me and love me even when it is most difficult to do so. We are all flawed with our own difficulties and trials. Not a one of us is easy to deal with all the time. We all have our crosses to bear.

December 16, 2010

Evening Update

So much has happened in the last week.

I graduated. I am officially a doctor. I didn't capitalize that because I don't want people to think that I'm an MD. It's awkward when people call me Dr. Alex. I suppose the title is appropriate since I *can* be called that. However, it feels pretentious when people use it. I'd always intended to put the initials behind my name, but I'm not sure that I can make people respect my wishes with regard to that.

I'm not sure why I feel so odd about it. I guess I really don't want people to think I'm uppity or pretentious. I mean, I know stuff. I have a lot of knowledge about this one thing. But that doesn't mean that I'm not doing tequila shots with my MS Dad in front of a bonfire or shaking it on Bourbon Street. I don't feel like anything is different.

Although there are lots of things different. It was interesting to talk to my committee chair before and after graduation. It really felt like he was treating me as an equal now. I need to write his thank you note. and I need to contact him in January to work on adapting my dissertation into an article.

Graduation itself was sort of a let-down. I had a ton more fun at my bachelor's graduation. I will admit that when I walked into the coliseum and as I was waiting for things to get started, I was teary-eyed. I'd been a little misty all day long, but being there ...knowing that it was really all happening...was overwhelming. I did manage to hold it together, though, because I kept thinking, "How awful will this be if I have mascara running down my face?" so I didn't cry. I did sit there forever. Just waiting. People around me (including professors) were on their phones. Texting. On facebook. Browsing the web. I would have been doing all of those things but the problem was that I didn't have pockets. So my phone was in my car saving me from being bored AND rude.

I was pretty nervous about having Sner and Shan meet the family. It was good, though. Shan told me that I have a good life there, and that is very true. I have a whole group of people who love me and support me. I cannot think of anything greater. It is a good life for me there. I am fortunate and blessed. It is a pity that those who might have that choose to cast it aside like so much refuse.

The party after was a very good time. It was slightly funny that my ward said her mission was to get me blitzed and yet again it didn't happen. I mean, I was drinking. A lot. But I wasn't blitzed. Other folks' problem is that they're drinking too. I'm slow. Slow at eating, slow at drinking, just slow. If they didn't drink...and if they just gave me shots for the first hour, all would be well.

But the party was fun. Matt worked very hard to put together the bonfire and to put up all the Christmas lights. People made drinks. My ward brought balloons and food and stuff. The princess brought drinks. They all helped put things together. I was a little nervous about all the people coming together and mixing, which I don't think it happened real well. But everyone had a good time.

New Orleans was a good time too.

The drive back to Kentucky was NOT a good time. I should have stayed in MS since we weren't in school on Monday. And I should have gone home today since we had a snow day today and another tomorrow. But I didn't, and the drive from the AL/TN line was excruciating. Almost died five times. I swear.

I think that's most of it. I have to go to bed so I can get up tomorrow and go home to my family.

December 7, 2010

Evening Update

I think I'm ready to go. There's a last load of laundry in the dryer which has a couple of things in it that I need to put in my suitcase. The suitcase is extremely full. I was having a really hard time trying to figure out what to wear. So many choices. Am going to have to buy tights. I know I put my hands on the right size when I was buying the tights, but somehow I came home with the wrong ones. *sigh* So I have to buy tights. Won't have time to stop and do it tomorrow night on my way out of town. Will do it on Thursday when I'm in Hattiesburg.

It's been a rough couple of days at work. I keep hoping that I will find some sense of equilibrium...get back to a place where things are better, but it hasn't happened yet. Not sure that it will, which is extremely frustrating. This whole testing thing is a killer. I know why the pressure is on, but the thing is...the increased pressure isn't going to make a difference. It can't. We've had testing for 20 years. American students are the most tested in the world. And has it made a difference? Our focus is narrowing even more, and it's going to get worse. I can read the writing on the wall. I can hear what my boss wants and realize that there's little to no room for wiggling with it. It is what it is, and I suppose that's fine. Live with it or don't.

I heard some of the news related to the United States' performance on the latest international tests of math, reading, and science. President Obama is calling this our "Sputnik" moment. I highly doubt that our country is ready for the changes that it would take to create a culture that values education and excels in it. We cannot afford what it would take. We are not prepared to make that commitment. When we look at children in school in China, take into account the hours they work, the extra days they are sitting in classrooms, we are light years away from that. We aren't willing to pay that much money. We're too invested in the millions we spend on testing. We've been on this train for 20 years now and it's not even left the station.

We try to compare ourselves to smaller nations like Finland and think that we can duplicate that kind of success on a large scale. A more apt comparison is to China, with the poverty. But even in China they don't have the racial diversity with its history of institutionalized racism. There's a ton of barriers that we have here that they don't have in other places. We don't believe in the ability of our education system...and we have no real desire to invest in it. We have no distinction among those who are going on and those who are on a different path.

It's frustrating, and the constant attack is driving the best away.

December 4, 2010

Evening Update

Have been incredibly lazy today. I suppose that four martinis last night was entirely too much. I was in the bed until almost noon today. I suppose I needed the sleep. This afternoon I went and took care of some business like exchanging defective products. I've not spent money in a week, and I'm proud of myself for that!

I think that I've gotten the graduation outfit lined out. Purple heels. Black tights. Little black dress. Bangles. Earrings. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to wear after the ceremony. I have like four sweaters to choose from. Dark jeans. That much I know. I don't know which sweater I'm going to choose, though. And shoes. What shoes to wear? so many decisions.

The rest of the week didn't get any better. There's a ton of stress, and personally, I don't think that there's going to be any return on that investment. I get that something has got to change, that we have to do a better job of educating the students in our systems. And I get that there are teachers who do not belong in a classroom. If all the way t to do is sit behind a desk and play on their phone while students flounder, then they need to do something else. But the truth is that even with the best teachers, we're fighting an uphill battle.

Kids are coming into schools with huge deficits. Deficits that cannot be over-come with a few hours of instruction because those kids are going home to the same environments that created those deficits. How do you fight against that and create kids that can read, write, think, and do math at proficient levels? How do you overcome the nurture that kids are housed with? How do you convince those kids that you're offering them a chance at a new, different life when that life is a completely different reality than what they know? what they've always known? The fight against that kind of inertia is incredibly difficult, and when we're asking schools to bear the burden alone, we're asking a lot. More than we really know.

One of the things that really gets me is that we are all responsible for the mess we've created, but somehow we only want one group of us to do anything about it. OK. Makes sense to me. Really. Makes a lot of sense to me.

Outside of that stress, other things went downhill at work this week too. Relationships are getting strained. I've been irritated for a long time, and things are coming to a head. It was downright ugly on Thursday, and it was pretty ugly on Friday. I get that I'm not the easiest person to work with. But others aren't either. I suppose that's neither here nor there when it comes right down to it. When it comes down to it, what I think or what I want isn't going to matter a whole lot any way so I just need to le tit go. Just nod and acquiesce because in the end...it just doesn't matter. It's been clear for a long time...from the beginning really...that my opinion doesn't count for much so having one doesn't make much sense. Fighting about it doesn't make much sense. Allowing it to create stress doesn't make much sense. I just need to do my job and quit worrying. Get into classrooms, work with teachers, and just move on. No more fighting about it, no more worrying about it. Just getting it done.

Have gotten another letter from my brother. Need to respond to him. Don't want to respond to him. I'm still incredibly angry with him. It's hard to believe that he's changed at all.

It looks like I'm going to be in Atlanta for New Year's Eve.

December 3, 2010

Evening Update

I cannot believe that it is already December. Where in the hell did this year go? It's December. By this time next week, I will officially be a Dr. I'll officially have my Ph.D. how very exciting is that? I can't believe that it's really here. that I've really done this thing.

Now, the sick thing is that I'm interested in taking more classes. I want to take classes about rhetoric. I want to take classes about measurement. I just don't want to write another dissertation. And when I say dissertation, I'm reminded that I will need to do something with my dissertation. My supervisor is pretty sure that there are multiple avenues for publication. I need to make sure that come January, I send an email and look into getting a publication or two.

I don't know that it will help me get a job in MS or AL or FL or LA, but it will be something I can put on my vita.

Speaking of which, I need to get that updated in case there's something that comes up that I need to take advantage.

Have I mentioned that I'm started to get really excited about graduation? I'm not sure if it's just about seeing my MS family or if it's about seeing my sner, whom I haven't seen since July 2009. Or seeing Shan...whom I haven't seen since May 2010. I'm so happy to be able to see those that matter the most to me. I know how much those people mean to me, and to be able to spend some time with them...even if just a day or two...is a gift. I'm so grateful to spend time with them.

It's been an incredibly difficult week. I'm not happy where I am, and I need to figure out how to deal with it or to let it go. So far, I'm not so good at swallowing when I don't want to. I've got to figure out a way to make through the next six months. I need to let go and to make myself malleable. It's hard. Very very hard.

I have lots of Christmas shopping left to do. Matt's brother and sister-in-law are done. Now I have to do his mom, daddy, grandma, my mom, shannon, eric, and the girls. My girls are in there too. Christmas pressie might come in January.

A December graduation kind sucks.

Last Updated December 29, 2010

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December 25, 2010

Morning Update

It is Christmas morning, and I am up watching the best of Headline News on CNN, but I'm fixing to change the channel. Matt has gone to work, and I will shortly be heading across the way to make muffins. I need to go run as well, but I don't think the treadmill has been moved back into its place. Last night I'd contemplated running outside, but this morning it is raining, which means there will be no road running this morning.

We had the family Christmas last night because Matt has to work. Lots and lots of food, which was a very good thing. Matt, Mark, Beth, and I stayed up to play Upwords after his brother and sister-in-law left. Matt was tired and wanted to go to bed, but it made his momma happy so that's what he did. His momma would have liked it if Will and Tina had stayed as well; it would have been a lovely Christmas gift to her to have her family around the table, with her for a little while longer.

I get that when you get married, you create a new family. Your own family. The two of you, separate from each of your own families. But I don't get hurting people who only want to love, help, and support you. Who doesn't need more people in their lives who are on their sides? Who doesn't need more people in their lives who will drop what they're doing to assist you? How is that a bad thing?

Lots of drama in families right now. Christmas seems to be a trigger for many people. I know in the past it has been that way in my family. I am glad that I have found a safe harbor. Perhaps the best gift I have ever been given is this family. Lots of people who care about me and are willing to shelter me and love me even when it is most difficult to do so. We are all flawed with our own difficulties and trials. Not a one of us is easy to deal with all the time. We all have our crosses to bear.

December 16, 2010

Evening Update

So much has happened in the last week.

I graduated. I am officially a doctor. I didn't capitalize that because I don't want people to think that I'm an MD. It's awkward when people call me Dr. Alex. I suppose the title is appropriate since I *can* be called that. However, it feels pretentious when people use it. I'd always intended to put the initials behind my name, but I'm not sure that I can make people respect my wishes with regard to that.

I'm not sure why I feel so odd about it. I guess I really don't want people to think I'm uppity or pretentious. I mean, I know stuff. I have a lot of knowledge about this one thing. But that doesn't mean that I'm not doing tequila shots with my MS Dad in front of a bonfire or shaking it on Bourbon Street. I don't feel like anything is different.

Although there are lots of things different. It was interesting to talk to my committee chair before and after graduation. It really felt like he was treating me as an equal now. I need to write his thank you note. and I need to contact him in January to work on adapting my dissertation into an article.

Graduation itself was sort of a let-down. I had a ton more fun at my bachelor's graduation. I will admit that when I walked into the coliseum and as I was waiting for things to get started, I was teary-eyed. I'd been a little misty all day long, but being there ...knowing that it was really all happening...was overwhelming. I did manage to hold it together, though, because I kept thinking, "How awful will this be if I have mascara running down my face?" so I didn't cry. I did sit there forever. Just waiting. People around me (including professors) were on their phones. Texting. On facebook. Browsing the web. I would have been doing all of those things but the problem was that I didn't have pockets. So my phone was in my car saving me from being bored AND rude.

I was pretty nervous about having Sner and Shan meet the family. It was good, though. Shan told me that I have a good life there, and that is very true. I have a whole group of people who love me and support me. I cannot think of anything greater. It is a good life for me there. I am fortunate and blessed. It is a pity that those who might have that choose to cast it aside like so much refuse.

The party after was a very good time. It was slightly funny that my ward said her mission was to get me blitzed and yet again it didn't happen. I mean, I was drinking. A lot. But I wasn't blitzed. Other folks' problem is that they're drinking too. I'm slow. Slow at eating, slow at drinking, just slow. If they didn't drink...and if they just gave me shots for the first hour, all would be well.

But the party was fun. Matt worked very hard to put together the bonfire and to put up all the Christmas lights. People made drinks. My ward brought balloons and food and stuff. The princess brought drinks. They all helped put things together. I was a little nervous about all the people coming together and mixing, which I don't think it happened real well. But everyone had a good time.

New Orleans was a good time too.

The drive back to Kentucky was NOT a good time. I should have stayed in MS since we weren't in school on Monday. And I should have gone home today since we had a snow day today and another tomorrow. But I didn't, and the drive from the AL/TN line was excruciating. Almost died five times. I swear.

I think that's most of it. I have to go to bed so I can get up tomorrow and go home to my family.

December 7, 2010

Evening Update

I think I'm ready to go. There's a last load of laundry in the dryer which has a couple of things in it that I need to put in my suitcase. The suitcase is extremely full. I was having a really hard time trying to figure out what to wear. So many choices. Am going to have to buy tights. I know I put my hands on the right size when I was buying the tights, but somehow I came home with the wrong ones. *sigh* So I have to buy tights. Won't have time to stop and do it tomorrow night on my way out of town. Will do it on Thursday when I'm in Hattiesburg.

It's been a rough couple of days at work. I keep hoping that I will find some sense of equilibrium...get back to a place where things are better, but it hasn't happened yet. Not sure that it will, which is extremely frustrating. This whole testing thing is a killer. I know why the pressure is on, but the thing is...the increased pressure isn't going to make a difference. It can't. We've had testing for 20 years. American students are the most tested in the world. And has it made a difference? Our focus is narrowing even more, and it's going to get worse. I can read the writing on the wall. I can hear what my boss wants and realize that there's little to no room for wiggling with it. It is what it is, and I suppose that's fine. Live with it or don't.

I heard some of the news related to the United States' performance on the latest international tests of math, reading, and science. President Obama is calling this our "Sputnik" moment. I highly doubt that our country is ready for the changes that it would take to create a culture that values education and excels in it. We cannot afford what it would take. We are not prepared to make that commitment. When we look at children in school in China, take into account the hours they work, the extra days they are sitting in classrooms, we are light years away from that. We aren't willing to pay that much money. We're too invested in the millions we spend on testing. We've been on this train for 20 years now and it's not even left the station.

We try to compare ourselves to smaller nations like Finland and think that we can duplicate that kind of success on a large scale. A more apt comparison is to China, with the poverty. But even in China they don't have the racial diversity with its history of institutionalized racism. There's a ton of barriers that we have here that they don't have in other places. We don't believe in the ability of our education system...and we have no real desire to invest in it. We have no distinction among those who are going on and those who are on a different path.

It's frustrating, and the constant attack is driving the best away.

December 4, 2010

Evening Update

Have been incredibly lazy today. I suppose that four martinis last night was entirely too much. I was in the bed until almost noon today. I suppose I needed the sleep. This afternoon I went and took care of some business like exchanging defective products. I've not spent money in a week, and I'm proud of myself for that!

I think that I've gotten the graduation outfit lined out. Purple heels. Black tights. Little black dress. Bangles. Earrings. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to wear after the ceremony. I have like four sweaters to choose from. Dark jeans. That much I know. I don't know which sweater I'm going to choose, though. And shoes. What shoes to wear? so many decisions.

The rest of the week didn't get any better. There's a ton of stress, and personally, I don't think that there's going to be any return on that investment. I get that something has got to change, that we have to do a better job of educating the students in our systems. And I get that there are teachers who do not belong in a classroom. If all the way t to do is sit behind a desk and play on their phone while students flounder, then they need to do something else. But the truth is that even with the best teachers, we're fighting an uphill battle.

Kids are coming into schools with huge deficits. Deficits that cannot be over-come with a few hours of instruction because those kids are going home to the same environments that created those deficits. How do you fight against that and create kids that can read, write, think, and do math at proficient levels? How do you overcome the nurture that kids are housed with? How do you convince those kids that you're offering them a chance at a new, different life when that life is a completely different reality than what they know? what they've always known? The fight against that kind of inertia is incredibly difficult, and when we're asking schools to bear the burden alone, we're asking a lot. More than we really know.

One of the things that really gets me is that we are all responsible for the mess we've created, but somehow we only want one group of us to do anything about it. OK. Makes sense to me. Really. Makes a lot of sense to me.

Outside of that stress, other things went downhill at work this week too. Relationships are getting strained. I've been irritated for a long time, and things are coming to a head. It was downright ugly on Thursday, and it was pretty ugly on Friday. I get that I'm not the easiest person to work with. But others aren't either. I suppose that's neither here nor there when it comes right down to it. When it comes down to it, what I think or what I want isn't going to matter a whole lot any way so I just need to le tit go. Just nod and acquiesce because in the end...it just doesn't matter. It's been clear for a long time...from the beginning really...that my opinion doesn't count for much so having one doesn't make much sense. Fighting about it doesn't make much sense. Allowing it to create stress doesn't make much sense. I just need to do my job and quit worrying. Get into classrooms, work with teachers, and just move on. No more fighting about it, no more worrying about it. Just getting it done.

Have gotten another letter from my brother. Need to respond to him. Don't want to respond to him. I'm still incredibly angry with him. It's hard to believe that he's changed at all.

It looks like I'm going to be in Atlanta for New Year's Eve.

December 3, 2010

Evening Update

I cannot believe that it is already December. Where in the hell did this year go? It's December. By this time next week, I will officially be a Dr. I'll officially have my Ph.D. how very exciting is that? I can't believe that it's really here. that I've really done this thing.

Now, the sick thing is that I'm interested in taking more classes. I want to take classes about rhetoric. I want to take classes about measurement. I just don't want to write another dissertation. And when I say dissertation, I'm reminded that I will need to do something with my dissertation. My supervisor is pretty sure that there are multiple avenues for publication. I need to make sure that come January, I send an email and look into getting a publication or two.

I don't know that it will help me get a job in MS or AL or FL or LA, but it will be something I can put on my vita.

Speaking of which, I need to get that updated in case there's something that comes up that I need to take advantage.

Have I mentioned that I'm started to get really excited about graduation? I'm not sure if it's just about seeing my MS family or if it's about seeing my sner, whom I haven't seen since July 2009. Or seeing Shan...whom I haven't seen since May 2010. I'm so happy to be able to see those that matter the most to me. I know how much those people mean to me, and to be able to spend some time with them...even if just a day or two...is a gift. I'm so grateful to spend time with them.

It's been an incredibly difficult week. I'm not happy where I am, and I need to figure out how to deal with it or to let it go. So far, I'm not so good at swallowing when I don't want to. I've got to figure out a way to make through the next six months. I need to let go and to make myself malleable. It's hard. Very very hard.

I have lots of Christmas shopping left to do. Matt's brother and sister-in-law are done. Now I have to do his mom, daddy, grandma, my mom, shannon, eric, and the girls. My girls are in there too. Christmas pressie might come in January.

A December graduation kind sucks.