August 2011

August 31, 2011

August 29, 2011

August 24, 2011

August 22, 2011

August 21, 2011

August 18, 2011

August 17, 2011

August 16, 2011

August 15, 2011

August 7, 2011

August 1, 2011

Evening Update

Here we are, another month in the books. I suppose some reflection is in order before I get going on my plans for the next month.

I started three different challenges this past month: write for 15 minutes a day, get organized and goal-setting, and physical activity. The only one of those that I really stuck with is the physical activity. I suppose that means that next month, which begins tomorrow, I have to re-start those other challenges. They are important to me. Or at least I want them to be important to me. I want to set and achieve goals. I want to be a writer. Really. A writer. So I'll tackle them again. I know that one of the things I must do in the next month is get serious about finding a job, so I suppose that means I will have to change my push-goal. (See I remember the process I went through when starting the organization and goal-setting challenge. I just have to actually do it. Again. I suppose that's OK, though, because the physical activity thing seems to be going well for me)

Speaking of the physical activity challenge, I complete my Bridge to 10K training program this week...without ever having actually run a 10K. I'm slow. Painfully slow. Which means that while I can run for 60 minutes, I am not running a 10-minute mile. I suppose that's OK too. There's room for turtles in this world, and as I keep telling myself, all that really matters is that I go. I just have to go. So I will go. Today was the first time I'd really run in a week. A week ago, I got bit by a dog. It was OK--it didn't break the skin, but it did scare me. The next day, the dog tried to bite me again (even though I sprayed it three times with pepper spray), so I was able to talk to the owner. The owner's solution to the problem was to "haul the dog off".

Now...out here? That means that if the guy was nice, he took the dog further out into the country and shot it. If he wasn't nice, then he took the dog further out into the country and just dumped it. That kills me. I didn't want the dog to suffer, but I also didn't want to get hurt. I've never really been afraid of animals, and I love dogs. But I didn't want to get bit. There are two other dogs in the yard that are tied up. When the guy asked me what I thought the solution should be, I told him, "tie it up like the other two dogs?" I don't want to get into a debate about whether tying a dog up is good for the dog or not. When I was a kid, our dogs were always tied up. They weren't aggressive; they weren't mean. They seemed to be pretty happy. Perhaps not the best of situations, but it was OK for them and us. If it's going to come down to a dog being abandoned or killed, then I say tie the damn thing up.

All of that to say that I'd been afraid to run back out that direction, and I've put it off for a week. I was afraid the dog would be there (and thus making an attempt to bite me), and I was afraid that he'd be gone as a result of my asking the owner to do something about it. I kept thinking, well maybe I just won't run that direction again...and then I thought, if the dog died because of me, then I most certainly have to run that direction again. So I sucked it up, got up this morning and ran that direction, pepper spray in hand. The doggie wasn't there. :( That makes me incredibly sad.

I know that it's not my fault the owner got rid of the dog. I know that. It's not my fault that the owner didn't choose another option, when there was very easily another option he could have taken. But I still feel responsible. Like it's my fault. Because really...if I hadn't said anything, the dog would still be there. So. It's my fault.

I got a big check done on the wedding today. Ugh. Tents are reserved. Now I have to think about how I want them lighted and what I want to do with linens. Need to check again with the church about having tables and chairs. But I suppose what we really need to do is get addresses for the guest list. I'm hoping to get some pictures of us in the next couple of weeks so I can do save-the-dates and get them sent out. I suppose that also means that I need to get to work on my invitation suite. *sigh*

Evening Update

Today is the 6th anniversary of Katrina. There is no real mention of it on the national news, and I suppose that is a sign of moving on. It is strange, though, for those of us who experienced so much to realize that it lives within our memory and not the national memory. It was a horrific event for so many people, a time of trial and fear, that it seems that we should all mark it in some way. There is a natural segue in the news right now with the damage that Hurricane Irene has just done, but there is no mention.

We must all move on, it is true, and I guess that this is the calling we need to get beyond and live in the present and the future rather than the past.

I am thankful to Katrina for many things. She set me on a different path, one that has brought me to the place I am now. I met this whole family that has taken me and loved me. I formed relationships that have sustained me for the last six years. That is a blessing that I might have been given without Katrina, but I don't know that. I was forming those relationships before Katrina, but they were cemented during the storm. Bonds forged and made strong.

I have decided that since I'm not working, I'm going to be working on wedding projects. We may have already covered this ground. Excuse me if we have. The coffee filters are done and ready for the PA to take them off to storage. I did a trial run on my bouquet, and while it's not bad, I'm not happy with it so I will be taking it apart and putting it back together in a way that makes me more happy about it. The beads for the bridesmaids' bouquets and the groomsmens' boutonnieres will come in tomorrow so I can get to work on those. I called about tent prices this afternoon, and it's much more reasonable than I thought it was going to be. After talking to the Sner, I'm hoping that I'll soon be able to get the deposits made on those as well.

I've got to say that the whole aura around planning a wedding and all of the things that go with it are somewhat overwhelming to me. This whole idea that we're supposed to feel something magical when we put on THE dress. Or that these things should be important or those things should be important. There are so many things that must be and should be...even in those communities that supposedly support a different reckoning of what a wedding should be. It kills me. I didn't fall in love with a dress, and I don't expect to. I didn't transform into some weepy puddle because I never expected that. I'll be lovely on my wedding day because I'll put some extra effort into it, but the truth is that most days I think I'm lovely anyway. This whole wedding thing...I want it to be a great evening for us and everyone who attends, and I know that I will stress myself out tens ways from Sunday trying to make it happen.

But. It's just one moment in the rest of my life. I'll wear other pretty dresses, we'll have other wonderful parties with great friends. That commitment that we make to each other is what truly matters. I have to keep remembering that while I'm gagging about all of the shoulds and musts and crap I'm supposed to feel but I don't.

I didn't sleep last night. Restless leg syndrome combined with I have no idea what. I tossed and turned all night long. When I finally fell asleep, it only lasted 10-15 minutes. No chance to make it into that deep, restorative sleep. I'm tired and my head hurts, but I'm not sure about wanting to take anything to help me get to sleep. It doesn't kick in; it just keeps me asleep once I get there, and then I'm groggy and slow the next day. It's very frustrating.

Pre-Run Early Morning Update

This is just a quick one before I head out the door to get my run in. I've been putting it off, dreading it, but Granny waking us up at 6 because the work phone (ha! Not mine!) ringing kinda made me think that today was probably going to be the day. I'm telling myself that I'm looking forward to it, that it's going to be a great run! I'm not going to let myself think about last week's awful runs. Today is going to be a good run. I believe that!

So yesterday I got all of the coffee filters strung. Today I'm going to start on the brooch bouquet. I still need a paint roller and a paper towel tube. I also ordered the beads and wire to put together the bridesmaids bouquets. I'm excited about those. I know that it's going to be time consuming project, but with a drill...it should be faster than it would doing it by hand. I'm actually excited about getting all of these done and checked off. By the end of next week, I could have some huge things taken care of for the wedding.

Speaking of wedding things, I need to look at linens for the tables (I suppose we need to nail down with the church exactly what tables they have and what we are allowed to borrow) and I've got to call about the tent. I want to get those things taken care of this week. I'm taking seriously the Sner's advice to get wedding stuff taken care of while I'm not working. It's a great plan. If I can get these big DIY projects knocked out, I will feel less stressed when it comes around to much closer to time. I'm actually hoping to get some of the invitation stuff taken care of (I'm really, really leaning towards a linen invitation in a pocket fold. I know. It's crazy. But I'm thinking that's what I'm going to be doing. Crazy. I know. Crazy, crazy, crazy.

OK. I'm going for that run.

Late Night Update

That panicked feeling followed me most of the day. I don't know what it was. There were several moments when I really felt like I needed to break down and cry. I managed to hold myself together, though, so I suppose it was just one of my moods. I didn't reach out to everyone and say, BE CAREFUL TODAY, although I probably should have. It was that same feeling of impending doom that I occasionally get. I hope that it was nothing, and that everyone, everywhere was Ok today.

I cannot remember a time when someone was actually hurt or something terrible occurred when I had one of those feelings. Maybe they are just a cue to me to be more careful. Maybe that's what it's really about...just a head's up for me. I don't claim some clairvoyant powers, although I will admit to knowing when something are going to happen or having an uncanny ability to figure things out. I don't think that's psychic, though. I think that is just attention to detail and perception.

I don't think I got a lot of things checked off on my to-do list today. That's OK. I got big things done and taken care of. Smaller things will be tackled tomorrow now that those bigger things are in the books. I kinda slacked on using my to-do list and focusing myself the last week or so, but I think I'm working my way back to it. I felt more productive when I was constantly consulting it, constantly updating it, constantly checking things off of it. Just because I'm unemployed doesn't mean that I can't be productive. I just have to focus on what it is that I want to do...give myself some routine and structure.

I was trying to send an email to a former colleague tonight, and I was telling her that I miss the start of the new school year. The potential and possibility. The hope. There is so much contained in those first few moments. There is the chance to change the path of a life...to give a person something they didn't have before they walked through the door. There is so much that a new school year can be. It is entirely too bad that there are those in classrooms who don't realize that and don't treat the responsibility that it is with the due deference and respect that it deserves. Makes me sad, really.

At any rate. I need to get to bed. The long run I didn't do will be calling my name in the morning, and I will have to get after it. *sigh*

Late Night Update

I felt like I was having a panic attack tonight. Sitting on the couch, sorta watching the Cowboys lose to the Chargers in week 2 of the pre-season, stringing coffee filters for the wedding. All of the sudden I felt light-headed, my heart started racing, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. To be fair, it was a pretty intense series of plays...could have been a game changer...but that wasn't it because it kept going. Even now, an hour or so later, my chest is tight and I can feel those same feelings. I'm not sure exactly what it is.

Got good news tonight about Nate. While he is still facing a ton of challenges, he is still Nate. I am relieved and comforted in that knowledge. I hope that he continues to be Nate...that this changed life does not change who is (or Amber) is. I love them dearly, and though they have been dealt the crappiest of crappy hands, if anyone can face it an come out the other side as better versions of themselves, it is them. They are those people we wish we could be. When adversity comes calling, they do not hide or cower in fear. They might feel it, but they don't run away from it. I wish I had more of that in me. Who I want to be when I grow up is them.

There are right now, 40 things on my to-do list for tomorrow. Sounds daunting, doesn't it. It is. I've got to get up first thing and get busy with my run. I'm determined to put last week's crappy runs behind me and face tomorrow morning's run with optimism and hope. I CAN do this. It will be my longest run yet, but I will do it. I will be strong. It will be good. I have willed it; so it shall be.

I've decided that while I will still be looking for work, I'm totally going to be working on pulling wedding stuff together. Over the course of the weekend, I've gotten all of the rest of the coffee filters stapled together and I've gotten them all cut. Tonight while watching the game, I got about half of the blue ones strung. Tomorrow I'm going to get the terra cotta pots, and as soon as I'm done with the coffee filters, those will be next in line. I saw another DIY idea this evening, but I'm not sure how to make it work with all of the other things that I have planned. It doesn't quite fit, but maybe. In the meantime, as soon as the centerpieces are done, it's on to working on my bouquet. I suppose that this week I should also work in the wording of the invitations.

It seems that are a lot of things that I've got to get done this month. We are now 8 months out. I need to see about blocking hotel rooms. Invitations. We need to figure out a baker for the grooms cake. I also have to look into rentals. Things like the tent. Nail down the tables and chairs from the church. Look into linens for the tables. Figure out plates and all of that good stuff. We've got to get addresses and really nail down the guest list. There's also the business about a registry. According to the Knot, we're supposed to get that whole business started.

There is so much to do that it is overwhelming. I am grateful for this time to get myself together and figured out. It will help immensely.

We went out to dinner Friday night, and Matt and I talked about my lack of a job. He said that wherever I need to go, he'll follow me. That is a comforting thought. I just hate the thought of leaving here. I've done it before, and I can do it again. I'm good at picking up stakes. But it doesn't seem like I should find a home and then have to leave it. I cannot make that make sense. Matt tries to convert me to his way of thinking, and he told me (again) that every time he's tried to figure out what he's supposed to do, every time he's thought he had the plan, he's learned the hard way that he's not in charge of the plan and that everything only fell into place when he followed God's plan. Which is all well and good, but how exactly am I to know who's plan is who's? It makes no sense to me, and that's OK. Something has to eventually come my way, and I can afford to wait for just a little while before it does.

There are times when I really feel like I am no longer meant to be in the K-12 education game. That it gets to be more and more hoops to jump through and more and more bureaucratic bullshit to handle, and I honestly don't know that it's where I want to be anymore. The problem becomes...I don't know that I know how to be anything but a teacher in some shape or form. I realize that I don't have to be in the K-12 world, but how do I get into a different world? I suppose that's the real question and it is what I must confront. If my past is not where I want to remain, how do I navigate my way to my future? And still hang on to the things that matter to me?

I am not sure how I will ever get to sleep tonight. I suppose if it is ever going to happen, I need to actually make like I want it to, huh?

Late Night Update

Maybe today was pity party day #2. I had an incredibly difficult time waking up this morning. It was 10 before I crawled out of bed, and I had a helluva time getting started.

There is so much for me to think about today, and I am no closer to making a decision. I got an email from JPS with notice of math positions that are available. I don't want to live and work in Jackson, but I need a job. I suppose that by mi-morning tomorrow I will make a decision about contacting those principals. I really, really, really don't want to. I keep thinking that this is my opportunity to leave K-12 education and all of it's BS behind. But I don't know what else I might want to do or become.

What to do, what to do, what to do?

Yesterday everything I was reading was telling me to follow my heart. What exactly does my heart want me to do, though? That is truly the question. Who am I supposed to be? What is the purpose my life is supposed to serve? What am I supposed to be doing?

I think that tomorrow I will work on getting my coffee filters strung. Today I got all of them stapled. Tomorrow after I run (and I am going to run tomorrow), I will make the slits in them. Then tomorrow afternoon I will begin the process of stringing them. I might well be able to get the majority of them done. I've decided to go ahead and get the terra cotta pots and spray paint. Those could probably be done on Sunday. I foresee a trip to the storage unit to put all of these projects away. I was thinking about putting some form of the monograms on the pots, but I think instead I'll just stamp them with one of the fleur de lis stamps I have. I have blue ink. That should work, huh? I'm hoping that people will want to take the centerpieces home with them. If they're just stamped with a fleur de lis, rather than our monogram or anything to do with us, I think people will be more likely to take them.

Good plan, don't you think?

I must check some things off of my to-do list tomorrow. Other than wedding stuff. I had things to do for quite a long time that I've been ignoring for a bit because of this funk I'm in. Gotta quit feeling sorry for myself.

Late Night Update

I think that I have had my pity party day. I had a difficult time getting out of bed today and getting going. Some times it is what it is, and you have to give in to it, which I did today. Tomorrow I'll get myself together and get everything figured out. Determine which path it is that I am meant to head down next.

I've been thinking that the difficulty in finding a job is my cue to leave the K-12 world behind...move on to something else. The problem becomes, what will that something else be? The couple of people that I have mentioned this to have asked me, well what would you do? I don't know. I really don't. I've spent all this time and energy in education. It seems like a huge waste to put time and energy into something else. I suppose that I have to figure out how to work within that system. I'm considering hanging out my shingle as a tutor. The problem becomes, how much to charge for my services.

It's hard to believe that I'm thinking about these things at this point in my life. I knew that finding a job here was going to be a difficult process, but I thought for sure I could find something. There are options available. Ones that I don't want to take, but it will come to it. I have enough money saved for another month. by then the money that I will pull out of my Kentucky PERS will be in and that will hold me over for even longer. I am not immediately worried about not having a job...other than the fact that the longer I go without a job, the harder it will be to find a job.

I suppose that means that I can certainly get to work on wedding projects. I can finish up the ones here at the house and get started on other ones. The biggest problem with that is that the wedding projects cost money. I'm unemployed, and the thought of unnecessarily spending money is frightening. What to do?

Late Night Update

I had this long post typed out and all of the sudden the program closed. *sigh*

I will try to recreate it tomorrow morning.

Big thoughts of the night...got a text from Amber this morning that said Nate was doing much better and has some more movement in his arms.

It's still a long, difficult road for them all, but that is good.

More tomorrow.

Late Night Update

I am reminded that life is so very precious and can change in an instant. Everything can change in an instant.

I'd been thinking about Amber this weekend...thinking I needed to call her or email since it had been awhile since we last really talked. I don't keep in touch with people like I should. I have the time; I just don't do much with it. I need to change that. Get better with my to-do list, put things in perspective.

Anyway, I had been thinking about her. So I sent her a text, and she called. With terrible news. I can't remember all of the details, but the gist of it is that Nate had a terrible accident at the beach, shattering his C6 and C7 vertebra. The prognosis is paralysis from the chest down.

My heart is broken for them. I will never understand why terrible things happen to good people. I cannot find rhyme or reason in it. I do not understand why them, why now.

Amber was remarkably herself on the phone. The same practical, steady, matter-of-fact, down-to-earth her. She said that before Nate went in to surgery, she told him that it was OK, they were just on a different path. And this is true. It is a completely different path. They are fortunate to be surrounded by love and support and strength. They will make it to the other side. I believe this.

It kills me that I cannot be there. Shannon said it best this evening: Helplessness is the worst feeling in the world. It is. Amber is one of my best friends, and I haven't been there during the last years--to share the mundane and the great, the triumphs and the tragedies. I do not know what I could do for her even if I were there--maybe help get paperwork started and gathered. I don't know. Something. I could just be there. To look out for her. Everyone is focused on Nate, which is as it should be, and Amber will do her best to take care of herself. But sometimes we need someone to look out for us.

All day long, I've been weepy. Matt and his family are incredible and solicitous and caring, and while it helps to know that I am loved and supported, it doesn't change the feeling of helplessness that I have. This is what I was talking about when I told his sister-in-law that some things NEVER get easier. Matt can hold me when I cry, can tell me it will be OK, but it doesn't change that I'm not where I feel I need to be this moment in time. It's not just the bad times that bring on that feeling either. I felt the same way when William was born. When I missed the baby shower. When I couldn't be there to help them move. I miss lunches together and spending the night and talking. Sending emails throughout the day.

Life moves on, and the one I am building is pretty phenomenal. I never, ever imagined that what lies before me was my dream or even within my grasp, but it is. This path, though, means that there are so many other paths that I don't get to walk. I can intersect with them...with Amber and Nate, Cari and her girls, Shannon and Eric...but mine is now divergent, forging ahead on its own. And I wish to god some times that my path had kept me closer to those people I love so very much, while at the same time acknowledging that if it had, there are so many things I would have missed. Most of the time I'm OK with the trade-off; these days have brought into sharp relief the price that actually must be paid. There is always a price to pay. Occasionally we can keep the bill collector at bay, but we can never postpone him indefinitely.

I hold them in my heart. They are so very dear to me, and I am incredibly sorry for everything.

Late Night Update

I wish I could drop off into sleep like a normal person does. It's almost midnight, and while I feel fatigue, I know that if I were to go to bed right this minute, I would never, ever fall asleep. I tried. This is after I have taken 2 Advil PM and 2 Benadryl (to control the out of control itching). So I am awake when I desperately want to be asleep.

I think there's a poem in there somewhere...to slip effortlessly into the quiet arms of rest/sink gracefully like a cottonwood blossom beneath the water...that's about all I have for the minute. I had something about "fade", but I couldn't figure out a way to get it to fit the pattern that I started.

I've been slacking on my challenges. I'm hoping that tomorrow (today) sees me get back on track. I skipped writing today and haven't done my goal-setting/organization challenge since Friday. I did, however, download a new To-do list app today. Apparently the biggest part of this whole challenge is creating super to-do lists. OK, I can see that. I'm on board.

I have an interview for *the* job on Thursday. I've been picturing myself driving to work, arriving slightly early than I need to, going into my workspace, doing the work, stopping to have lunch at my desk, getting back to work. Staying a little later than I have to. I've also been visualizing what happens with the resulting paycheck...20% off the top being saved, bills getting paid, etc. I believe that this is the job I am supposed to have. I believe that I will get this job. Now comes the hard part: putting all of that into practice. But I'm going to keep seeing it happening the way that I want it to. I'm putting it out there into the world that I want *this* job. THIS job is mine.

The last two days I've lounged poolside reading. In my wee bikini. That can only be worn by the pool and not out in the general public. I'm getting a little more tan. Not much. I thought we were going to be going to the beach this weekend, but we apparently aren't now. Football pre-season and all. I might go myself on Saturday. Just because I can.

When I can sleep, I've started sleeping with my mouth guard in again. I've been clenching my teeth so much during the day that my whole face aches by mid-afternoon. I can only imagine that it gets worse at night. The side benefit of the mouth guard is that I'm not snoring when it's in. Or at least I think that may be the case. I've been managing to keep it in for the entire night, too. When I lived in Louisville, I often would wake up to find that I had thrown the thing across the room.

I have got to try to go to sleep. Tomorrow starts the 100 Days of Physical Activity Challenge, and it also starts the beginning of Operation Get My Arms and Shoulders in Shape. It's been so hot that if I'm not out the door by 7, it's too late to run. Plus Cari is going to go walking with me and I told her 6:30. So I need to get to bed. Pronto.

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August 2011

August 31, 2011

Evening Update

Here we are, another month in the books. I suppose some reflection is in order before I get going on my plans for the next month.

I started three different challenges this past month: write for 15 minutes a day, get organized and goal-setting, and physical activity. The only one of those that I really stuck with is the physical activity. I suppose that means that next month, which begins tomorrow, I have to re-start those other challenges. They are important to me. Or at least I want them to be important to me. I want to set and achieve goals. I want to be a writer. Really. A writer. So I'll tackle them again. I know that one of the things I must do in the next month is get serious about finding a job, so I suppose that means I will have to change my push-goal. (See I remember the process I went through when starting the organization and goal-setting challenge. I just have to actually do it. Again. I suppose that's OK, though, because the physical activity thing seems to be going well for me)

Speaking of the physical activity challenge, I complete my Bridge to 10K training program this week...without ever having actually run a 10K. I'm slow. Painfully slow. Which means that while I can run for 60 minutes, I am not running a 10-minute mile. I suppose that's OK too. There's room for turtles in this world, and as I keep telling myself, all that really matters is that I go. I just have to go. So I will go. Today was the first time I'd really run in a week. A week ago, I got bit by a dog. It was OK--it didn't break the skin, but it did scare me. The next day, the dog tried to bite me again (even though I sprayed it three times with pepper spray), so I was able to talk to the owner. The owner's solution to the problem was to "haul the dog off".

Now...out here? That means that if the guy was nice, he took the dog further out into the country and shot it. If he wasn't nice, then he took the dog further out into the country and just dumped it. That kills me. I didn't want the dog to suffer, but I also didn't want to get hurt. I've never really been afraid of animals, and I love dogs. But I didn't want to get bit. There are two other dogs in the yard that are tied up. When the guy asked me what I thought the solution should be, I told him, "tie it up like the other two dogs?" I don't want to get into a debate about whether tying a dog up is good for the dog or not. When I was a kid, our dogs were always tied up. They weren't aggressive; they weren't mean. They seemed to be pretty happy. Perhaps not the best of situations, but it was OK for them and us. If it's going to come down to a dog being abandoned or killed, then I say tie the damn thing up.

All of that to say that I'd been afraid to run back out that direction, and I've put it off for a week. I was afraid the dog would be there (and thus making an attempt to bite me), and I was afraid that he'd be gone as a result of my asking the owner to do something about it. I kept thinking, well maybe I just won't run that direction again...and then I thought, if the dog died because of me, then I most certainly have to run that direction again. So I sucked it up, got up this morning and ran that direction, pepper spray in hand. The doggie wasn't there. :( That makes me incredibly sad.

I know that it's not my fault the owner got rid of the dog. I know that. It's not my fault that the owner didn't choose another option, when there was very easily another option he could have taken. But I still feel responsible. Like it's my fault. Because really...if I hadn't said anything, the dog would still be there. So. It's my fault.

I got a big check done on the wedding today. Ugh. Tents are reserved. Now I have to think about how I want them lighted and what I want to do with linens. Need to check again with the church about having tables and chairs. But I suppose what we really need to do is get addresses for the guest list. I'm hoping to get some pictures of us in the next couple of weeks so I can do save-the-dates and get them sent out. I suppose that also means that I need to get to work on my invitation suite. *sigh*

August 29, 2011

Evening Update

Today is the 6th anniversary of Katrina. There is no real mention of it on the national news, and I suppose that is a sign of moving on. It is strange, though, for those of us who experienced so much to realize that it lives within our memory and not the national memory. It was a horrific event for so many people, a time of trial and fear, that it seems that we should all mark it in some way. There is a natural segue in the news right now with the damage that Hurricane Irene has just done, but there is no mention.

We must all move on, it is true, and I guess that this is the calling we need to get beyond and live in the present and the future rather than the past.

I am thankful to Katrina for many things. She set me on a different path, one that has brought me to the place I am now. I met this whole family that has taken me and loved me. I formed relationships that have sustained me for the last six years. That is a blessing that I might have been given without Katrina, but I don't know that. I was forming those relationships before Katrina, but they were cemented during the storm. Bonds forged and made strong.

I have decided that since I'm not working, I'm going to be working on wedding projects. We may have already covered this ground. Excuse me if we have. The coffee filters are done and ready for the PA to take them off to storage. I did a trial run on my bouquet, and while it's not bad, I'm not happy with it so I will be taking it apart and putting it back together in a way that makes me more happy about it. The beads for the bridesmaids' bouquets and the groomsmens' boutonnieres will come in tomorrow so I can get to work on those. I called about tent prices this afternoon, and it's much more reasonable than I thought it was going to be. After talking to the Sner, I'm hoping that I'll soon be able to get the deposits made on those as well.

I've got to say that the whole aura around planning a wedding and all of the things that go with it are somewhat overwhelming to me. This whole idea that we're supposed to feel something magical when we put on THE dress. Or that these things should be important or those things should be important. There are so many things that must be and should be...even in those communities that supposedly support a different reckoning of what a wedding should be. It kills me. I didn't fall in love with a dress, and I don't expect to. I didn't transform into some weepy puddle because I never expected that. I'll be lovely on my wedding day because I'll put some extra effort into it, but the truth is that most days I think I'm lovely anyway. This whole wedding thing...I want it to be a great evening for us and everyone who attends, and I know that I will stress myself out tens ways from Sunday trying to make it happen.

But. It's just one moment in the rest of my life. I'll wear other pretty dresses, we'll have other wonderful parties with great friends. That commitment that we make to each other is what truly matters. I have to keep remembering that while I'm gagging about all of the shoulds and musts and crap I'm supposed to feel but I don't.

I didn't sleep last night. Restless leg syndrome combined with I have no idea what. I tossed and turned all night long. When I finally fell asleep, it only lasted 10-15 minutes. No chance to make it into that deep, restorative sleep. I'm tired and my head hurts, but I'm not sure about wanting to take anything to help me get to sleep. It doesn't kick in; it just keeps me asleep once I get there, and then I'm groggy and slow the next day. It's very frustrating.

August 24, 2011

Pre-Run Early Morning Update

This is just a quick one before I head out the door to get my run in. I've been putting it off, dreading it, but Granny waking us up at 6 because the work phone (ha! Not mine!) ringing kinda made me think that today was probably going to be the day. I'm telling myself that I'm looking forward to it, that it's going to be a great run! I'm not going to let myself think about last week's awful runs. Today is going to be a good run. I believe that!

So yesterday I got all of the coffee filters strung. Today I'm going to start on the brooch bouquet. I still need a paint roller and a paper towel tube. I also ordered the beads and wire to put together the bridesmaids bouquets. I'm excited about those. I know that it's going to be time consuming project, but with a drill...it should be faster than it would doing it by hand. I'm actually excited about getting all of these done and checked off. By the end of next week, I could have some huge things taken care of for the wedding.

Speaking of wedding things, I need to look at linens for the tables (I suppose we need to nail down with the church exactly what tables they have and what we are allowed to borrow) and I've got to call about the tent. I want to get those things taken care of this week. I'm taking seriously the Sner's advice to get wedding stuff taken care of while I'm not working. It's a great plan. If I can get these big DIY projects knocked out, I will feel less stressed when it comes around to much closer to time. I'm actually hoping to get some of the invitation stuff taken care of (I'm really, really leaning towards a linen invitation in a pocket fold. I know. It's crazy. But I'm thinking that's what I'm going to be doing. Crazy. I know. Crazy, crazy, crazy.

OK. I'm going for that run.

August 22, 2011

Late Night Update

That panicked feeling followed me most of the day. I don't know what it was. There were several moments when I really felt like I needed to break down and cry. I managed to hold myself together, though, so I suppose it was just one of my moods. I didn't reach out to everyone and say, BE CAREFUL TODAY, although I probably should have. It was that same feeling of impending doom that I occasionally get. I hope that it was nothing, and that everyone, everywhere was Ok today.

I cannot remember a time when someone was actually hurt or something terrible occurred when I had one of those feelings. Maybe they are just a cue to me to be more careful. Maybe that's what it's really about...just a head's up for me. I don't claim some clairvoyant powers, although I will admit to knowing when something are going to happen or having an uncanny ability to figure things out. I don't think that's psychic, though. I think that is just attention to detail and perception.

I don't think I got a lot of things checked off on my to-do list today. That's OK. I got big things done and taken care of. Smaller things will be tackled tomorrow now that those bigger things are in the books. I kinda slacked on using my to-do list and focusing myself the last week or so, but I think I'm working my way back to it. I felt more productive when I was constantly consulting it, constantly updating it, constantly checking things off of it. Just because I'm unemployed doesn't mean that I can't be productive. I just have to focus on what it is that I want to do...give myself some routine and structure.

I was trying to send an email to a former colleague tonight, and I was telling her that I miss the start of the new school year. The potential and possibility. The hope. There is so much contained in those first few moments. There is the chance to change the path of a life...to give a person something they didn't have before they walked through the door. There is so much that a new school year can be. It is entirely too bad that there are those in classrooms who don't realize that and don't treat the responsibility that it is with the due deference and respect that it deserves. Makes me sad, really.

At any rate. I need to get to bed. The long run I didn't do will be calling my name in the morning, and I will have to get after it. *sigh*

August 21, 2011

Late Night Update

I felt like I was having a panic attack tonight. Sitting on the couch, sorta watching the Cowboys lose to the Chargers in week 2 of the pre-season, stringing coffee filters for the wedding. All of the sudden I felt light-headed, my heart started racing, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. To be fair, it was a pretty intense series of plays...could have been a game changer...but that wasn't it because it kept going. Even now, an hour or so later, my chest is tight and I can feel those same feelings. I'm not sure exactly what it is.

Got good news tonight about Nate. While he is still facing a ton of challenges, he is still Nate. I am relieved and comforted in that knowledge. I hope that he continues to be Nate...that this changed life does not change who is (or Amber) is. I love them dearly, and though they have been dealt the crappiest of crappy hands, if anyone can face it an come out the other side as better versions of themselves, it is them. They are those people we wish we could be. When adversity comes calling, they do not hide or cower in fear. They might feel it, but they don't run away from it. I wish I had more of that in me. Who I want to be when I grow up is them.

There are right now, 40 things on my to-do list for tomorrow. Sounds daunting, doesn't it. It is. I've got to get up first thing and get busy with my run. I'm determined to put last week's crappy runs behind me and face tomorrow morning's run with optimism and hope. I CAN do this. It will be my longest run yet, but I will do it. I will be strong. It will be good. I have willed it; so it shall be.

I've decided that while I will still be looking for work, I'm totally going to be working on pulling wedding stuff together. Over the course of the weekend, I've gotten all of the rest of the coffee filters stapled together and I've gotten them all cut. Tonight while watching the game, I got about half of the blue ones strung. Tomorrow I'm going to get the terra cotta pots, and as soon as I'm done with the coffee filters, those will be next in line. I saw another DIY idea this evening, but I'm not sure how to make it work with all of the other things that I have planned. It doesn't quite fit, but maybe. In the meantime, as soon as the centerpieces are done, it's on to working on my bouquet. I suppose that this week I should also work in the wording of the invitations.

It seems that are a lot of things that I've got to get done this month. We are now 8 months out. I need to see about blocking hotel rooms. Invitations. We need to figure out a baker for the grooms cake. I also have to look into rentals. Things like the tent. Nail down the tables and chairs from the church. Look into linens for the tables. Figure out plates and all of that good stuff. We've got to get addresses and really nail down the guest list. There's also the business about a registry. According to the Knot, we're supposed to get that whole business started.

There is so much to do that it is overwhelming. I am grateful for this time to get myself together and figured out. It will help immensely.

We went out to dinner Friday night, and Matt and I talked about my lack of a job. He said that wherever I need to go, he'll follow me. That is a comforting thought. I just hate the thought of leaving here. I've done it before, and I can do it again. I'm good at picking up stakes. But it doesn't seem like I should find a home and then have to leave it. I cannot make that make sense. Matt tries to convert me to his way of thinking, and he told me (again) that every time he's tried to figure out what he's supposed to do, every time he's thought he had the plan, he's learned the hard way that he's not in charge of the plan and that everything only fell into place when he followed God's plan. Which is all well and good, but how exactly am I to know who's plan is who's? It makes no sense to me, and that's OK. Something has to eventually come my way, and I can afford to wait for just a little while before it does.

There are times when I really feel like I am no longer meant to be in the K-12 education game. That it gets to be more and more hoops to jump through and more and more bureaucratic bullshit to handle, and I honestly don't know that it's where I want to be anymore. The problem becomes...I don't know that I know how to be anything but a teacher in some shape or form. I realize that I don't have to be in the K-12 world, but how do I get into a different world? I suppose that's the real question and it is what I must confront. If my past is not where I want to remain, how do I navigate my way to my future? And still hang on to the things that matter to me?

I am not sure how I will ever get to sleep tonight. I suppose if it is ever going to happen, I need to actually make like I want it to, huh?

August 18, 2011

Late Night Update

Maybe today was pity party day #2. I had an incredibly difficult time waking up this morning. It was 10 before I crawled out of bed, and I had a helluva time getting started.

There is so much for me to think about today, and I am no closer to making a decision. I got an email from JPS with notice of math positions that are available. I don't want to live and work in Jackson, but I need a job. I suppose that by mi-morning tomorrow I will make a decision about contacting those principals. I really, really, really don't want to. I keep thinking that this is my opportunity to leave K-12 education and all of it's BS behind. But I don't know what else I might want to do or become.

What to do, what to do, what to do?

Yesterday everything I was reading was telling me to follow my heart. What exactly does my heart want me to do, though? That is truly the question. Who am I supposed to be? What is the purpose my life is supposed to serve? What am I supposed to be doing?

I think that tomorrow I will work on getting my coffee filters strung. Today I got all of them stapled. Tomorrow after I run (and I am going to run tomorrow), I will make the slits in them. Then tomorrow afternoon I will begin the process of stringing them. I might well be able to get the majority of them done. I've decided to go ahead and get the terra cotta pots and spray paint. Those could probably be done on Sunday. I foresee a trip to the storage unit to put all of these projects away. I was thinking about putting some form of the monograms on the pots, but I think instead I'll just stamp them with one of the fleur de lis stamps I have. I have blue ink. That should work, huh? I'm hoping that people will want to take the centerpieces home with them. If they're just stamped with a fleur de lis, rather than our monogram or anything to do with us, I think people will be more likely to take them.

Good plan, don't you think?

I must check some things off of my to-do list tomorrow. Other than wedding stuff. I had things to do for quite a long time that I've been ignoring for a bit because of this funk I'm in. Gotta quit feeling sorry for myself.

August 17, 2011

Late Night Update

I think that I have had my pity party day. I had a difficult time getting out of bed today and getting going. Some times it is what it is, and you have to give in to it, which I did today. Tomorrow I'll get myself together and get everything figured out. Determine which path it is that I am meant to head down next.

I've been thinking that the difficulty in finding a job is my cue to leave the K-12 world behind...move on to something else. The problem becomes, what will that something else be? The couple of people that I have mentioned this to have asked me, well what would you do? I don't know. I really don't. I've spent all this time and energy in education. It seems like a huge waste to put time and energy into something else. I suppose that I have to figure out how to work within that system. I'm considering hanging out my shingle as a tutor. The problem becomes, how much to charge for my services.

It's hard to believe that I'm thinking about these things at this point in my life. I knew that finding a job here was going to be a difficult process, but I thought for sure I could find something. There are options available. Ones that I don't want to take, but it will come to it. I have enough money saved for another month. by then the money that I will pull out of my Kentucky PERS will be in and that will hold me over for even longer. I am not immediately worried about not having a job...other than the fact that the longer I go without a job, the harder it will be to find a job.

I suppose that means that I can certainly get to work on wedding projects. I can finish up the ones here at the house and get started on other ones. The biggest problem with that is that the wedding projects cost money. I'm unemployed, and the thought of unnecessarily spending money is frightening. What to do?

August 16, 2011

Late Night Update

I had this long post typed out and all of the sudden the program closed. *sigh*

I will try to recreate it tomorrow morning.

Big thoughts of the night...got a text from Amber this morning that said Nate was doing much better and has some more movement in his arms.

It's still a long, difficult road for them all, but that is good.

More tomorrow.

August 15, 2011

Late Night Update

I am reminded that life is so very precious and can change in an instant. Everything can change in an instant.

I'd been thinking about Amber this weekend...thinking I needed to call her or email since it had been awhile since we last really talked. I don't keep in touch with people like I should. I have the time; I just don't do much with it. I need to change that. Get better with my to-do list, put things in perspective.

Anyway, I had been thinking about her. So I sent her a text, and she called. With terrible news. I can't remember all of the details, but the gist of it is that Nate had a terrible accident at the beach, shattering his C6 and C7 vertebra. The prognosis is paralysis from the chest down.

My heart is broken for them. I will never understand why terrible things happen to good people. I cannot find rhyme or reason in it. I do not understand why them, why now.

Amber was remarkably herself on the phone. The same practical, steady, matter-of-fact, down-to-earth her. She said that before Nate went in to surgery, she told him that it was OK, they were just on a different path. And this is true. It is a completely different path. They are fortunate to be surrounded by love and support and strength. They will make it to the other side. I believe this.

It kills me that I cannot be there. Shannon said it best this evening: Helplessness is the worst feeling in the world. It is. Amber is one of my best friends, and I haven't been there during the last years--to share the mundane and the great, the triumphs and the tragedies. I do not know what I could do for her even if I were there--maybe help get paperwork started and gathered. I don't know. Something. I could just be there. To look out for her. Everyone is focused on Nate, which is as it should be, and Amber will do her best to take care of herself. But sometimes we need someone to look out for us.

All day long, I've been weepy. Matt and his family are incredible and solicitous and caring, and while it helps to know that I am loved and supported, it doesn't change the feeling of helplessness that I have. This is what I was talking about when I told his sister-in-law that some things NEVER get easier. Matt can hold me when I cry, can tell me it will be OK, but it doesn't change that I'm not where I feel I need to be this moment in time. It's not just the bad times that bring on that feeling either. I felt the same way when William was born. When I missed the baby shower. When I couldn't be there to help them move. I miss lunches together and spending the night and talking. Sending emails throughout the day.

Life moves on, and the one I am building is pretty phenomenal. I never, ever imagined that what lies before me was my dream or even within my grasp, but it is. This path, though, means that there are so many other paths that I don't get to walk. I can intersect with them...with Amber and Nate, Cari and her girls, Shannon and Eric...but mine is now divergent, forging ahead on its own. And I wish to god some times that my path had kept me closer to those people I love so very much, while at the same time acknowledging that if it had, there are so many things I would have missed. Most of the time I'm OK with the trade-off; these days have brought into sharp relief the price that actually must be paid. There is always a price to pay. Occasionally we can keep the bill collector at bay, but we can never postpone him indefinitely.

I hold them in my heart. They are so very dear to me, and I am incredibly sorry for everything.

August 7, 2011

Late Night Update

I wish I could drop off into sleep like a normal person does. It's almost midnight, and while I feel fatigue, I know that if I were to go to bed right this minute, I would never, ever fall asleep. I tried. This is after I have taken 2 Advil PM and 2 Benadryl (to control the out of control itching). So I am awake when I desperately want to be asleep.

I think there's a poem in there somewhere...to slip effortlessly into the quiet arms of rest/sink gracefully like a cottonwood blossom beneath the water...that's about all I have for the minute. I had something about "fade", but I couldn't figure out a way to get it to fit the pattern that I started.

I've been slacking on my challenges. I'm hoping that tomorrow (today) sees me get back on track. I skipped writing today and haven't done my goal-setting/organization challenge since Friday. I did, however, download a new To-do list app today. Apparently the biggest part of this whole challenge is creating super to-do lists. OK, I can see that. I'm on board.

I have an interview for *the* job on Thursday. I've been picturing myself driving to work, arriving slightly early than I need to, going into my workspace, doing the work, stopping to have lunch at my desk, getting back to work. Staying a little later than I have to. I've also been visualizing what happens with the resulting paycheck...20% off the top being saved, bills getting paid, etc. I believe that this is the job I am supposed to have. I believe that I will get this job. Now comes the hard part: putting all of that into practice. But I'm going to keep seeing it happening the way that I want it to. I'm putting it out there into the world that I want *this* job. THIS job is mine.

The last two days I've lounged poolside reading. In my wee bikini. That can only be worn by the pool and not out in the general public. I'm getting a little more tan. Not much. I thought we were going to be going to the beach this weekend, but we apparently aren't now. Football pre-season and all. I might go myself on Saturday. Just because I can.

When I can sleep, I've started sleeping with my mouth guard in again. I've been clenching my teeth so much during the day that my whole face aches by mid-afternoon. I can only imagine that it gets worse at night. The side benefit of the mouth guard is that I'm not snoring when it's in. Or at least I think that may be the case. I've been managing to keep it in for the entire night, too. When I lived in Louisville, I often would wake up to find that I had thrown the thing across the room.

I have got to try to go to sleep. Tomorrow starts the 100 Days of Physical Activity Challenge, and it also starts the beginning of Operation Get My Arms and Shoulders in Shape. It's been so hot that if I'm not out the door by 7, it's too late to run. Plus Cari is going to go walking with me and I told her 6:30. So I need to get to bed. Pronto.

August 1, 2011

Late Night Update

It's August 1. Where has the summer gone? Currently it is 10:58 at night, and I once again cannot sleep. I took some medicine, but I'm fighting with it which means I thought it would be the perfect time for me to get some writing done.

Speaking of writing, I'm doing the 15 Minutes a Day Writing challenge for the month of August. Tonight's writing, even though it wasn't a very conducive atmosphere for writing, has yielded a rather fruitful topic. I think I'm going to play around both with an essay and a poem out of it. We shall see, but I can kinda feel a poem. Y'all know how I am about poetry.

At the same time I am also doing this 30 Day Organization and Achievement Challenge. I'm not so sure about it, but I figure that any little thing that can help me with achieving my goals might be worth giving a shot to. You know? My homework for that today was to think about my core values...what do I want to be known by and remembered for? Well...I want to be known for my loyalty. My dependability. My ability to get things done. My integrity. I want to be someone that people can count on. Commitment. Compassion. Knowledge. Generosity. That's what I want to be known for.

So I don't have a job. Knowing that makes it hard for me to breath some moments. I know that things will be OK. And I know that this tightness in my chest is nothing more than stress. The only way I'm getting to sleep at night is by taking something. (waiting for something to kick in now) My sweet boy is so very sweet and solicitous. He wants to make everything better for me, and for that I am extremely grateful. I could not ask for a more supportive person in my life. When I'm down, he encourages me. He looks for ways to make me happy. And I am extremely lucky. He will do his best to support us. He's good like that.

I haven't done much on wedding planning, although I think I've decided what my boutonnieres, bridesmaids' bouquets, and corsages are going to look like. I just need to begin collect the materials to make those. I am reluctant, though, to spend the money necessary to make them now because I don't have that money. I suppose that I need to pull out the spreadsheet and figure out what still needs to be done, what I can be doing. I have coffee filters dyed. I could be stapling and stringing them. Couldn't I?

Anyway, I think my boy is ready for me to be in the bed. He's sleeping right now, but he says he doesn't sleep as well as when I'm in the bed with him. So that's where I need to be.

Last Updated September 2, 2011

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Late Night Update

It's August 1. Where has the summer gone? Currently it is 10:58 at night, and I once again cannot sleep. I took some medicine, but I'm fighting with it which means I thought it would be the perfect time for me to get some writing done.

Speaking of writing, I'm doing the 15 Minutes a Day Writing challenge for the month of August. Tonight's writing, even though it wasn't a very conducive atmosphere for writing, has yielded a rather fruitful topic. I think I'm going to play around both with an essay and a poem out of it. We shall see, but I can kinda feel a poem. Y'all know how I am about poetry.

At the same time I am also doing this 30 Day Organization and Achievement Challenge. I'm not so sure about it, but I figure that any little thing that can help me with achieving my goals might be worth giving a shot to. You know? My homework for that today was to think about my core values...what do I want to be known by and remembered for? Well...I want to be known for my loyalty. My dependability. My ability to get things done. My integrity. I want to be someone that people can count on. Commitment. Compassion. Knowledge. Generosity. That's what I want to be known for.

So I don't have a job. Knowing that makes it hard for me to breath some moments. I know that things will be OK. And I know that this tightness in my chest is nothing more than stress. The only way I'm getting to sleep at night is by taking something. (waiting for something to kick in now) My sweet boy is so very sweet and solicitous. He wants to make everything better for me, and for that I am extremely grateful. I could not ask for a more supportive person in my life. When I'm down, he encourages me. He looks for ways to make me happy. And I am extremely lucky. He will do his best to support us. He's good like that.

I haven't done much on wedding planning, although I think I've decided what my boutonnieres, bridesmaids' bouquets, and corsages are going to look like. I just need to begin collect the materials to make those. I am reluctant, though, to spend the money necessary to make them now because I don't have that money. I suppose that I need to pull out the spreadsheet and figure out what still needs to be done, what I can be doing. I have coffee filters dyed. I could be stapling and stringing them. Couldn't I?

Anyway, I think my boy is ready for me to be in the bed. He's sleeping right now, but he says he doesn't sleep as well as when I'm in the bed with him. So that's where I need to be.