August 2009

August 31, 2009

August 29, 2009

Evening Update

Tomorrow is the beginning of another month, a new beginning. A chance to start all over again. Astrologically speaking, I think it's supposed to be a rather rough month for me, but that's OK...I do not want to say that it can't get worse, but the truth is that it always can be worse.

In the meantime, though, I've spent a boatload of money today. I paid my tuition bill at Southern, and it was less than I was anticipating it would be. I now need to pay this semester's tuition bill, but I'm going to do that on installments so it won't hurt as bad. Then after school, I went and bought a new mattress. Because in the past, I've slept on Cari's Denver Mattress Company mattress, and because Shan likes hers, I went by there on the way home. Laid down for a little while on a couple of different models, and wound up buying a floor model. It was $300 off. It doesn't come with a 30 sleep-trial, like "new" mattresses, do, but I think it's going to be fine. If not, then it'll go in the spare room, and I'll continue to sleep on the one I have. Either way, I'm good. I still need to get a bed frame for in the spare room, but that can take a couple of days.

They're going to try to deliver the mattress tomorrow, but I just don't know if that's going to work out or not. I'm not going to be done at work until 3:30, and the salesman didn't think that the delivery guys would be out that late. If it doesn't happen tomorrow, then Tuesday.

I think I might go camping this weekend, but I haven't decided for sure. I'm tired. I need a new air mattress, but the guy who could get me a discount on one because he works at Bass Pro hasn't gotten back to me on it. I suppose they're not that expensive...I could just go buy one without a discount. Here's the thing, though, and this might could be heretical...I'm not sure I want to go camping this weekend. The chance to spend the weekend disconnected is a heavenly thought. Me and the doggie away from civilization and the internet and cell phone service is very appealing. The problem is, though, that I feel like hell. If I'm not feeling better by Thursday afternoon, the question is answered and my happy ass is staying home. (because the car gets packed Thursday night so doggie and I can leave right after work and get where we're going in time to get a site)

Speaking of that, I called the doctor and tried to make an appointment for the uti and the sickness that won't go away, but the soonest he can see me is a week from Tuesday. Right-o. Called the chiropractor and he can see me on Thursday afternoon. Wish me luck with that because I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm afraid that I'm going to leave hurting...which will suck even more as I'm thinking about camping this weekend. Hmmmmmm....I guess that camping is really going to depend on how the chiropractor appointment goes.

Today while completing testing, I read a very long, but interesting, article. As you may have been aware, this past weekend was the fourth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. The article details what happened at Memorial Hospital in New Orleans. I don't get it. I don't understand how they made the decisions that they did. OK, maybe in the first hot moments, when they thought they weren't going to be rescued, I can understand wanting to conserve resources and not treat those most critically ill. But when it became clear that they were going to get out, I don't understand how they could stick to that plan. I don't see how they couldn't have stopped and said, OK...we need to revisit this situation and rethink our plans. Yes, I understand they were tired. Yes, I get that it was an incredibly trying time, but. They had people telling them that what they were planning and what they were doing was wrong. As they were doing it, people knew that what they were doing was wrong. And the justification for it in the light of time and distance? Baffling to me.

Even more baffling, though, is the idea that those people are now leading conversations about how rules should and need to change in emergency situations. These are people who made poor decisions...and who defend those poor decisions. Yet we're giving them a national platform upon which to continue to defend the indefensible? I don't understand.

I suppose it is not shocking that in situations like these a living will and the like go by the wayside.

I started having a difficult conversation at work this afternoon. The only problem was that it came up when I was in the middle of doing something else, which was very frustrating to me. What I want to do is whinge and fret about it, but what I need to do is just tackle it head-on and have the hard conversation. There are lots of hard conversations that need to be had. As simple as...I don't like apple cinnamon; that's why I brought "clean linen". Conflict avoidance isn't always the best way to solve problems, I'm learning. I do have to say, though, that my side of the office is coming together. I need one of the daisy silver metal file sorters that cost $21 at Target and I'll be set (for some reason I'm balking at spending that much money on one. Hell I just spent $600 on a mattress. What's $20?). I could also use a little blue area rug. Those of you who haunt Hudson's, keep an eye out please.

I am sure that there were other things that I wanted to write about tonight, but I think I need to say that perhaps updating this site is going to have to become a weekly thing rather than a daily thing. While I type pretty fast and most of it flows out of my fingertips onto the screen, the deal is that it still takes up quite a bit of my time. If I'm going to be committed to walking the doggie (which didn't happen tonight), writing, and working on a dissertation, I can't be on here for an hour every night (that's about how long it takes) updating things. I have to figure out a way to get some balance going.

In other news, I've decided to let the apartment management handle the guy who lives downstairs and has no clue about volume modulation. I went and let them know at 5:10 this afternoon. It didn't do any good. I need to call again now. I hate being a bitch about these things, but I pay good money to live here too. You know? With occupancy rates as low as they are, they really can't afford to lose more people, but that's what it's coming down to for me. It's a quality of life issue.

*sigh*

Going to call because I need to get to bed.

Linked Wonders

Wonderful Images

Wonderous Writing

Teaching Wonders

Wonderful Cooking

Daily Wonderings

August 2009

August 31, 2009

Evening Update

Tomorrow is the beginning of another month, a new beginning. A chance to start all over again. Astrologically speaking, I think it's supposed to be a rather rough month for me, but that's OK...I do not want to say that it can't get worse, but the truth is that it always can be worse.

In the meantime, though, I've spent a boatload of money today. I paid my tuition bill at Southern, and it was less than I was anticipating it would be. I now need to pay this semester's tuition bill, but I'm going to do that on installments so it won't hurt as bad. Then after school, I went and bought a new mattress. Because in the past, I've slept on Cari's Denver Mattress Company mattress, and because Shan likes hers, I went by there on the way home. Laid down for a little while on a couple of different models, and wound up buying a floor model. It was $300 off. It doesn't come with a 30 sleep-trial, like "new" mattresses, do, but I think it's going to be fine. If not, then it'll go in the spare room, and I'll continue to sleep on the one I have. Either way, I'm good. I still need to get a bed frame for in the spare room, but that can take a couple of days.

They're going to try to deliver the mattress tomorrow, but I just don't know if that's going to work out or not. I'm not going to be done at work until 3:30, and the salesman didn't think that the delivery guys would be out that late. If it doesn't happen tomorrow, then Tuesday.

I think I might go camping this weekend, but I haven't decided for sure. I'm tired. I need a new air mattress, but the guy who could get me a discount on one because he works at Bass Pro hasn't gotten back to me on it. I suppose they're not that expensive...I could just go buy one without a discount. Here's the thing, though, and this might could be heretical...I'm not sure I want to go camping this weekend. The chance to spend the weekend disconnected is a heavenly thought. Me and the doggie away from civilization and the internet and cell phone service is very appealing. The problem is, though, that I feel like hell. If I'm not feeling better by Thursday afternoon, the question is answered and my happy ass is staying home. (because the car gets packed Thursday night so doggie and I can leave right after work and get where we're going in time to get a site)

Speaking of that, I called the doctor and tried to make an appointment for the uti and the sickness that won't go away, but the soonest he can see me is a week from Tuesday. Right-o. Called the chiropractor and he can see me on Thursday afternoon. Wish me luck with that because I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm afraid that I'm going to leave hurting...which will suck even more as I'm thinking about camping this weekend. Hmmmmmm....I guess that camping is really going to depend on how the chiropractor appointment goes.

Today while completing testing, I read a very long, but interesting, article. As you may have been aware, this past weekend was the fourth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. The article details what happened at Memorial Hospital in New Orleans. I don't get it. I don't understand how they made the decisions that they did. OK, maybe in the first hot moments, when they thought they weren't going to be rescued, I can understand wanting to conserve resources and not treat those most critically ill. But when it became clear that they were going to get out, I don't understand how they could stick to that plan. I don't see how they couldn't have stopped and said, OK...we need to revisit this situation and rethink our plans. Yes, I understand they were tired. Yes, I get that it was an incredibly trying time, but. They had people telling them that what they were planning and what they were doing was wrong. As they were doing it, people knew that what they were doing was wrong. And the justification for it in the light of time and distance? Baffling to me.

Even more baffling, though, is the idea that those people are now leading conversations about how rules should and need to change in emergency situations. These are people who made poor decisions...and who defend those poor decisions. Yet we're giving them a national platform upon which to continue to defend the indefensible? I don't understand.

I suppose it is not shocking that in situations like these a living will and the like go by the wayside.

I started having a difficult conversation at work this afternoon. The only problem was that it came up when I was in the middle of doing something else, which was very frustrating to me. What I want to do is whinge and fret about it, but what I need to do is just tackle it head-on and have the hard conversation. There are lots of hard conversations that need to be had. As simple as...I don't like apple cinnamon; that's why I brought "clean linen". Conflict avoidance isn't always the best way to solve problems, I'm learning. I do have to say, though, that my side of the office is coming together. I need one of the daisy silver metal file sorters that cost $21 at Target and I'll be set (for some reason I'm balking at spending that much money on one. Hell I just spent $600 on a mattress. What's $20?). I could also use a little blue area rug. Those of you who haunt Hudson's, keep an eye out please.

I am sure that there were other things that I wanted to write about tonight, but I think I need to say that perhaps updating this site is going to have to become a weekly thing rather than a daily thing. While I type pretty fast and most of it flows out of my fingertips onto the screen, the deal is that it still takes up quite a bit of my time. If I'm going to be committed to walking the doggie (which didn't happen tonight), writing, and working on a dissertation, I can't be on here for an hour every night (that's about how long it takes) updating things. I have to figure out a way to get some balance going.

In other news, I've decided to let the apartment management handle the guy who lives downstairs and has no clue about volume modulation. I went and let them know at 5:10 this afternoon. It didn't do any good. I need to call again now. I hate being a bitch about these things, but I pay good money to live here too. You know? With occupancy rates as low as they are, they really can't afford to lose more people, but that's what it's coming down to for me. It's a quality of life issue.

*sigh*

Going to call because I need to get to bed.

August 29, 2009

Evening Update

I suppose that it might be fitting that the site comes back up on the anniversary of Katrina. I've been thinking about it all day long. Remembering where I was, what I was doing, how I felt...but mostly thinking that perhaps it was that experience that led me home. I've been wondering where my home was and if I'd ever find it, and maybe the reality of the situation is that maybe my home found me all those years ago.

Strange really seeing as south Mississippi isn't exactly what you think of when you're picking a destination for your home, where you want to create family and roots and tradition, but perhaps that's exactly where it is.

Katrina was an incredibly overwhelming experience. Not just the destruction and devastation of it but also the blessings and beauty of it (you'll have to forgive me...in my writing as of late, I've noticed that I've been enjoying the use of alliteration. I don't know if it's a conscious thing that I'm doing or not, but it seems to be happening quite a bit). Anyway...the beauty and the blessings of Katrina: strangers coming together, neighbors coming out of their houses for the first time in maybe forever and checking on the folks next door, people looking outside o themselves and figuring out ways to help and care for those who truly needed them in order to get through the experience. I was over-whelmed by the outpouring of care.

I'm not sure how much of that has lasted. I don't know if people are still as attuned to the needs of others as they were in those hours and weeks and months of immediate need. I don't know if that sort of thing is sustainable. We are inherently selfish, and it is difficult for some of us to keep looking outside of ourselves. There are people who are very, very good at it, to whom it comes naturally. I seem to have landed among those who are naturally giving...and for that I am grateful.

Along with the anniversary of Katrina, there has been another anniversary while we've been away and down. I've been in Kentucky for over a year now. It was a sad anniversary. This is not where I want to be. This is not home. True, this year is much better than last year in some ways, but in other ways, it's just as bad if not worse. The last year has been one of my more difficult. I used to think that the year Dax left was the hardest of my life, but the truth of the matter is that this past year was exponentially worse. Professionally. Personally. Emotionally. Physically.

While my professional life is looking up, last year was horrific, and I am not lying when I say that the thought of possibly facing another year as bad (or worse...things can always be worse) as last year is enough to make me nauseous. Losing my hair. Panic attacks. Grinding and clenching my teeth. Insecurity in my ability to do do my job...even though I know how to do my job. I'm pretty sure that I can't go through that again, although I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have to attempt it. Thus far things have been much smoother not just because there's someone to help me. That person is a big reason why things are smoother...and even more difficult. A lot of what is happening this year is what I would have liked to have done last year if they'd but given me the chance. That hurts my heart a great deal. If they'd let me do the job they hired me to do, the changes that are slowly starting this year could have been off the ground and flying right now. But they're just out of egg, barely moving. It's frustrating.

There are other problems there that I'm not going to go in to right now. Just not going to do it.

Personally...well...that was just as much of a trial as my professional life. There are many people who were in my life a year ago who are not there now. That's OK. Some of them I don't really miss, but others, I'm saddened to find out that they weren't the people that I thought they were. Or perhaps they really were the people that I thought they were; I just wanted to think it would be different. I'm sure that they may think the same thing about me. Which is fine. I have no desire to rehash things with most of them (one of them...yes; everyone else, eh). I'm OK with leaving the past in the past. That's the kind of person I am: choose the path, don't look back. Now then it may take me awhile to get to the point that I'm ready to choose the path, but the reality is that once I've decided which path I'm on, I don't very often go back.

Lots about this last year has challenged my life philosophies. I've questioned myself and my decisions more in the last year than I have in a long, long time. If ever. They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but in many respects, I feel like I've been broken in the last year. Beaten down. Had the life sucked right out of me. When Senator Kennedy passed away, I kept hearing the Porter Davis lyric, 'I wanna know what you know about death and rebirth', and I wondered about all the times we die in our lives, what brings about that death, and how we find the strength to be reborn.

I don't know how many times I've died. I know at least twice. Times I've been on the bottom and had no idea how I was going to make it back to the top or even to mid-level. That's more thinking than I've done in the last month...more than I want to do right now.

There's a lot that happens in a life in a month sometimes. It doesn't seem like a lot when I look back over it, but it's something. Conference in Nashville. Visits to Amish country. Off to Missouri to see about the GrandSner. Back to Louisville. I had an opportunity to go visit an old friend that I've not seen in 5 years but I turned it down for a lot of reasons...too much there and I was way too tired; the dog and I went to the lake and chillaxed instead. It was a lovely day. School has started, and it's been a long, long 2.5 weeks. The last week, I've been SRI testing. Can I tell you how hellish that is? I'll be testing the next week.

During my trip to Nashville, I had some rather long discussions with an older colleague about relationships and soul mates and such. She told me that if there's an opportunity, then I need to grab it with both hands. I think I'm getting closer to it. The biggest thing that holds me back is the distance. Long distance relationships are hard, and I kinda feel like I'm a little too old for one. It's not that it's not workable (8 hours and southwest has some cheap flights right now). But it's still a long distance relationship. If it weren't so long distance...if I were say in New Orleans...that would be much easier to deal with. That's close enough for dinner and weekends. But here. Here is a long, long ways away.

In other news, I'm sick. I've been fighting it for a week, and it's coming on strong, along with a UTI. I've been home-medicating. For the cold, I've been doing some Advil cold & sinus and for the UTI, massive doses of garlic, goldenseal, and cranberry juice. It seems to be working, and then it goes back to killing me again.

In other news, I've committed to writing every day. A certain number of pages in my notebook. I've been doing pretty good, and I've noticed that as I write more, it gets easier to write. The problem is finding the time. Finding the time to walk the doggie, to do my work, to read a little, to write, to update a webpage, to eventually start working on a dissertation (and yes, part of the reason why I've decided to write every day is to get into the habit of writing so I'm better prepared for the dissertation. I'm getting there. I promise. No worries here). Like I didn't get my writing done today because I've been writing here.

It's very late, and I need to go to bed. More tomorrow.

Last Updated September 1, 2009

This page is the copyright property of Jen. Please direct any comments or questions to her by clicking on this email link.

Evening Update

I suppose that it might be fitting that the site comes back up on the anniversary of Katrina. I've been thinking about it all day long. Remembering where I was, what I was doing, how I felt...but mostly thinking that perhaps it was that experience that led me home. I've been wondering where my home was and if I'd ever find it, and maybe the reality of the situation is that maybe my home found me all those years ago.

Strange really seeing as south Mississippi isn't exactly what you think of when you're picking a destination for your home, where you want to create family and roots and tradition, but perhaps that's exactly where it is.

Katrina was an incredibly overwhelming experience. Not just the destruction and devastation of it but also the blessings and beauty of it (you'll have to forgive me...in my writing as of late, I've noticed that I've been enjoying the use of alliteration. I don't know if it's a conscious thing that I'm doing or not, but it seems to be happening quite a bit). Anyway...the beauty and the blessings of Katrina: strangers coming together, neighbors coming out of their houses for the first time in maybe forever and checking on the folks next door, people looking outside o themselves and figuring out ways to help and care for those who truly needed them in order to get through the experience. I was over-whelmed by the outpouring of care.

I'm not sure how much of that has lasted. I don't know if people are still as attuned to the needs of others as they were in those hours and weeks and months of immediate need. I don't know if that sort of thing is sustainable. We are inherently selfish, and it is difficult for some of us to keep looking outside of ourselves. There are people who are very, very good at it, to whom it comes naturally. I seem to have landed among those who are naturally giving...and for that I am grateful.

Along with the anniversary of Katrina, there has been another anniversary while we've been away and down. I've been in Kentucky for over a year now. It was a sad anniversary. This is not where I want to be. This is not home. True, this year is much better than last year in some ways, but in other ways, it's just as bad if not worse. The last year has been one of my more difficult. I used to think that the year Dax left was the hardest of my life, but the truth of the matter is that this past year was exponentially worse. Professionally. Personally. Emotionally. Physically.

While my professional life is looking up, last year was horrific, and I am not lying when I say that the thought of possibly facing another year as bad (or worse...things can always be worse) as last year is enough to make me nauseous. Losing my hair. Panic attacks. Grinding and clenching my teeth. Insecurity in my ability to do do my job...even though I know how to do my job. I'm pretty sure that I can't go through that again, although I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have to attempt it. Thus far things have been much smoother not just because there's someone to help me. That person is a big reason why things are smoother...and even more difficult. A lot of what is happening this year is what I would have liked to have done last year if they'd but given me the chance. That hurts my heart a great deal. If they'd let me do the job they hired me to do, the changes that are slowly starting this year could have been off the ground and flying right now. But they're just out of egg, barely moving. It's frustrating.

There are other problems there that I'm not going to go in to right now. Just not going to do it.

Personally...well...that was just as much of a trial as my professional life. There are many people who were in my life a year ago who are not there now. That's OK. Some of them I don't really miss, but others, I'm saddened to find out that they weren't the people that I thought they were. Or perhaps they really were the people that I thought they were; I just wanted to think it would be different. I'm sure that they may think the same thing about me. Which is fine. I have no desire to rehash things with most of them (one of them...yes; everyone else, eh). I'm OK with leaving the past in the past. That's the kind of person I am: choose the path, don't look back. Now then it may take me awhile to get to the point that I'm ready to choose the path, but the reality is that once I've decided which path I'm on, I don't very often go back.

Lots about this last year has challenged my life philosophies. I've questioned myself and my decisions more in the last year than I have in a long, long time. If ever. They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but in many respects, I feel like I've been broken in the last year. Beaten down. Had the life sucked right out of me. When Senator Kennedy passed away, I kept hearing the Porter Davis lyric, 'I wanna know what you know about death and rebirth', and I wondered about all the times we die in our lives, what brings about that death, and how we find the strength to be reborn.

I don't know how many times I've died. I know at least twice. Times I've been on the bottom and had no idea how I was going to make it back to the top or even to mid-level. That's more thinking than I've done in the last month...more than I want to do right now.

There's a lot that happens in a life in a month sometimes. It doesn't seem like a lot when I look back over it, but it's something. Conference in Nashville. Visits to Amish country. Off to Missouri to see about the GrandSner. Back to Louisville. I had an opportunity to go visit an old friend that I've not seen in 5 years but I turned it down for a lot of reasons...too much there and I was way too tired; the dog and I went to the lake and chillaxed instead. It was a lovely day. School has started, and it's been a long, long 2.5 weeks. The last week, I've been SRI testing. Can I tell you how hellish that is? I'll be testing the next week.

During my trip to Nashville, I had some rather long discussions with an older colleague about relationships and soul mates and such. She told me that if there's an opportunity, then I need to grab it with both hands. I think I'm getting closer to it. The biggest thing that holds me back is the distance. Long distance relationships are hard, and I kinda feel like I'm a little too old for one. It's not that it's not workable (8 hours and southwest has some cheap flights right now). But it's still a long distance relationship. If it weren't so long distance...if I were say in New Orleans...that would be much easier to deal with. That's close enough for dinner and weekends. But here. Here is a long, long ways away.

In other news, I'm sick. I've been fighting it for a week, and it's coming on strong, along with a UTI. I've been home-medicating. For the cold, I've been doing some Advil cold & sinus and for the UTI, massive doses of garlic, goldenseal, and cranberry juice. It seems to be working, and then it goes back to killing me again.

In other news, I've committed to writing every day. A certain number of pages in my notebook. I've been doing pretty good, and I've noticed that as I write more, it gets easier to write. The problem is finding the time. Finding the time to walk the doggie, to do my work, to read a little, to write, to update a webpage, to eventually start working on a dissertation (and yes, part of the reason why I've decided to write every day is to get into the habit of writing so I'm better prepared for the dissertation. I'm getting there. I promise. No worries here). Like I didn't get my writing done today because I've been writing here.

It's very late, and I need to go to bed. More tomorrow.