April 2010

April 12, 2010

April 28, 2010

Evening Update

It's been a day. First off, I have bronchitis. I came home from work early on Monday and haven't been the last two days. I'm going to attempt tomorrow, but I make no promises about whether I'm going to be able to stay the entire day or not. I went to the doctor yesterday and discovered that I have bronchitis. What a convenient time to get this sick. I've been taking some medication and I'm doing cough syrup as it is needed. The fever comes and goes. Usually gets worse when I'm up doing things.

Like this afternoon when I had to take my iphone to the apple store. It quit working this afternoon. I thought it was just because it needed to be charged, but I couldn't get it to charge. The guys at the apple store opened it up but couldn't figure out why it wasn't turning on. They gave me a new phone, even though mine was out of warranty by about 6 months. I don't hold an illusion of good will. The new iphone comes out in June; I have a 3G, not the 3GS. They're getting rid of that stock because the price on the 3G phones will drop. So, a new phone for me. Yay me.

Speaking of the apple store...it was like geek central in there. Not the customers, but the help. Seriously stereotypical. There were a few who weren't what you'd expect when you think "geeks", but the great majority of them were. I felt a little out of place in my t-shirt and denim capris.

Then I went to the grocery store. It seems like I've spent a fortune at the grocery store lately and there's nothing in the house to eat. I got some stuff to make for our lunch on Friday and then some stuff to take into Derby for snacks. And things for breakfast that I don't normally eat but other people might. By the time I got home and hung curtains in the spare room (screwed that up nicely but we're not going to talk about that right this minute), I was worn out.

The biggest news of the day, though, is that my proposal has been deemed acceptable! I was beginning to worry about it and starting to wonder if I should send an email to see what was going on with it. According to my chair, there's about 2-3 hours of revisions that need to be done to it before I can print copies to be distributed to the rest of my committee. To go along with that, it appears that there will be a defense on June 7. That might actually be the best news because it means that I don't have to rush out of here on June 2 to make it south for a defense. With that extra time, I think I might actually work on June 3 (get one of my extra days out of the way) and then make my way south...leisurely...on the 4th. Then I can have Saturday and Sunday to prepare.

Speaking of that, I'm a little nervous about that. I don't know what to expect, but I'm hoping that my good friend Debi can help me with that a little bit. Somewhere in my stuff I have the questions that will be asked in the defense. I need to dig that out or put my hands on it or something.

Anyway. I need to get to bed. So much to do tomorrow, which will be hard because I don't feel great yet.

April 26, 2010

Evening Update

Still not a very happy fuzz but on top of that grouchiness, I'm sicker than a dog. I started coughing on Saturday. It's gotten worse. So bad that I was told to go home from work. I don't think I'm going to make it in tomorrow. Will probably go to the doctor instead. I cannot be sick this weekend, and this cough is killing me. I don't think it's allergies because I've had an intermittent fever and I've been taking my allergy medicine religiously.

On the way home from work today, I was listening to the Diane Rehm show, and they were discussing a novel called The Slap. Lots of commentary from folks calling, both pro and con for corporal punishment. I think we all know by now what my stance on corporal punishment is, and that is that I am not in favor of it. I can think of very few instances where corporal punishment in s an appropriate response on the part of the adult. However, as a bit of a tangent, the author of the novel and several callers were talking about increasingly rude and coarse public behavior...combined with the number of people who intervene or who are afraid to intervene.

While she took a lot of heat for it and people still ridicule the notion, I think that it *does* take a village to raise a child. The problem in our country isn't with political correctness, as one of the callers (who happened to be from Kentucky) said on the show. The problem is that too many people are afraid to step in when they see people behaving badly. I mean, a man who stopped a mugger and was stabbed, bled to death on a sidewalk while people walked by. We as a country don't get involved. I hear it all the time in my building. I hear kids using inappropriate language and no one steps in to say, "Hey...we don't use that kind of language here, and it's not appropriate in public."

Tonight when I came in from getting some ice cream for my sore throat, I noticed the rugrats out front. I've noticed lately that the redbuds out front of the apartment building had many broken branches, and at other times, I've noticed these little boys whacking at the trees with their toy swords or trying to climb the trees (they're not big enough for climbing). Tonight, one of the boys had a big branch, with its buds and leaves still on it, I could see where he'd ripped it from the tree, that he was going to use to get his toy out of another tree. He wasn't big enough even with the branch to get his toy, so I got it for him. Before I handed the toy back to him, I told I looked at all of them, stared hard at the one with the branch in his hand, and told them that they had to quit tearing up the trees. Breaking branches and destroying the trees was no acceptable behavior. They tried to deny that they'd done it, but I just looked at them and said that I didn't want to hear excuses; I just wanted them to respect the property of others.

It's much easier for me to intervene at school. I have some authority there, and I feel more comfortable intervening. It's easier to intervene with little kids, but it's harder in other situations. I'm not a saint, and I often remain silent when I should speak up. But I do speak up when it's to a point where I can't stand it. If I spoke up more often, then it would be better.

How often do you intervene? How often to you step in and correct behavior that is out of bounds?

Need to make some hot buttered rum and head off to the bed.

PS...

The hot buttered rum actually helped the cough, but I've still taken the day off. Will call the doctor tomorrow. See what he has to say or if I can get in. I need to make some hot buttered rum mix since I am now out of it.

In other news, when you break up with someone, I hate it when people tell you that God is preparing someone else for you. While it is true that sometimes there's someone else out there, what if the truth is that you'll remain alone? I know women like that. Some men too. That they go through a break-up and they have short-term relationships but no real bond. I've often wondered that about myself. What if there isn't someone out there for me? Someone who will love me in spite of? I think I've found that now, but there have been times when I have wondered.

April 24, 2010

Evening Update

This is going to be blasphemous I know, but I think that maybe I don't like margaritas so much. I decided that tonight I needed to have margaritas because there's a storm coming through and because I planned on having chips and guacamole for dinner (homemade guacamole, thank you very much). Yeah, not so much. I mean it's OK, but I keep feeling like I'd rather have a martini or a rum & sprite. So. yeah. I suppose there's a reason why I've not purchased tequila in forever (I can't remember the last time I actually bought tequila...hmmmm).

I have spent today shopping. I had a coupon for Ulta, and I needed to buy some eyelid primer as well as some blush. And some eyeliner. And some eyeshadow. The blush and the primer were things I needed any way. The eyeliner and eyeshadow are for Derby. My beloved friend the Princess is gonna send me step-by-step directions for how to do my eyes. I don't ever really wear eyeshadow. Just some neutral base so there's something for the eyeliner to cling to. So, when I do decided to actually apply eyeshadow like normal people, it's a bit of a stressful process for me.

Then I needed to find a bag and some feathers for my hat. Which required stops at Marshalls and TJ Maxx and Dees. There was also a detour to Blackstones (where I picked up a bracelet that goes with my necklace (purchased on Wednesday? Thursday?) that was better than the bracelet that actually matches the necklace) and Macys. It's clearance time, and I was hoping to find something of interest. I did not.

I think my Derby outfit is finally complete. I spent an additional $20 on stuff for my hat today (a couple of sprays of feathers and a silk rose), which is on top of the $30 I've already spent. That is getting off cheap, though...compared to some of the things I saw coming out of Dees. I think what I got to add to the hat is good. Have emailed a pic of it to Shan, and as soon as she gives her approval, I'll find myself a hot glue gun and affix things. I found a bag that while it doesn't match exactly, it's good enough. As Shan's mom used to say, if any one is looking that close, they need a punch in the nose. I'm good with that attitude and philosphy.

I have a necklace which is turquoise beads with some silver filigree on some of them. The bracelet I picked up today is a three strands of turquoise beads with an enamel flower...silver edges, rhinestone in the center. It goes well with the dress, and the shoes. So, all of that is good. I have a pair of flip flops that have turquoise sparkles on the straps. They will go into my light blue faux croc tote.

Doesn't seem like a lot, doesn't it? Yeah...I spent about $120 today. *sigh* I told someone that I felt like I was getting ready for the adult daytime drunken version of a prom. *grin*

There are storms moving through. It's not raining very hard right now which means I need to take my doggie out.

My body feels like it's in rebellion. I know that part of it is due to a period, but the rest of it...my right hip has been hurting. And by hurting, I mean aching like my shoulder. Which is killing me. My right ankle and foot are having problems too. As is my left ankle. I'm gonna be 34 soon. Maybe I'm falling a part. *pout*

When I was walking the doggie there was a ton of stuff that I wanted to talk about. I was thinking about what I wanted to say and what things I wanted to link. Now I can't remember it. Other conversations intruding, I guess.

This past week was testing week at school. I was working with a little seventh grader. Supposedly he's at the very least mildly mentally retarded. I didn't get that feeling from him, although I did notice that he was certainly slow. Poor little guy. He didn't get it. We spent hours frustrated because he had no clue what was going on. I didn't know how to help him...on top of the fact that I wasn't allowed to help him. I could just seem him retreating into himself, becoming smaller and smaller as he realized that there was no way for him to find the answer.

That is what NCLB and accountability has wrought in our country. We make children feel like shit because we're determined that all of them should be able to do the same things, when the truth is that not all of them can do the same things. I don't dispute that we need change in education. That we were not doing right by so many children in this country, but we continue to not do write by those same children. As we look across the country, it's a farce to believe that we can have anything approaching equality. We have schools in the Delta that don't have certified teachers working in buildings that aren't fit. We have schools in Louisville where it's been acceptable to simply warehouse students until they age out of the system. We have people who would stand up and scream if their children were subjected to some of the things that happen across this country, but because it's someone else's children--and I'm sad to say, often brown and black children--they don't say a word. They're too busy complaining about how their school district decided that middle and high school students should start school an hour later (which is a researched based position. Not education researched based but brain science research based).

And then places like Boston think that the answer is to revamp teacher education. Which I agree. Is true. We desperately need to revamp teacher education, but we don't have the money or the time to do that. They're talking about the "medical model", where first year teachers go through a "residency" where they teach with an exemplary teacher for a year. Which is great and exactly what we need! But! They accept 75...let me spell that out for you...SEVENTY-FIVE...teachers a year. 75!!! That isn't even a dent. And where are those 75 teachers working? At an inner city school in Boston. Those kids are finally getting what they deserve, but what about the rest of the children in this country? How does Boston's residency program help those kids across the country who have been forgotten? How do those 75 teachers make any sort of impact on the teacher needs in this country?

And where does NY state's allowing of alt cert programs to offer their own masters programs/degrees? That won't have to go through a college at all. But they'll get a "masters degree". Which I don't really understand because masters are education degrees. Through colleges. Do we do that in other professions? I honestly don't know, but somehow when I picture someone who wants an MBA, while their work experience may get them some credits, that doesn't account for everything.

It makes me angry.

Have I mentioned that my shoulder hurts? And that I'm having this weird stabbing pain in my left breast? And that starting about an hour ago, it feels like there's something under my shirt, irritating my skin? Definitely falling apart. Dammit.

Not the happiest fuzz right now. I re-signed my lease yesterday. I needed to do it before the 30th in order to keep my rent at the same rate. I didn't want to be here again next year, but I think it's important for me to be here again next year. I need to make the money. But I don't want to be here again next year. I don't want to be alone while it's storming or when there's something I want to go do. I don't want to miss out on things because I'm not where I want to be. Yeah, I'm where I'm supposed to be for this moment. I believe that. That doesn't make it any easier, though.

That's not all, but that's all I'm going to talk about right now.

I should go to bed. Too much thinking isn't good for me.

April 19, 2010

Evening Update

So. I've been playing with my sweet puppy dog this evening. I think she was telling me that she needs to go for a run. I need to do that tomorrow night. We didn't tonight because I'm tired, but she was playing a little on the rough side. I suppose that's understandable since she doesn't have George or Matt to play with. She doesn't understand that her pulling hurts Momma's shoulder. And it does. Hurt. Momma's shoulder.

I finished the revisions to my proposal last night and shipped it off to Kinkos. It will be delivered to my chair a day late, but whatever. What is he going to do at this point? Tell me that because it's a day late, I'm finished? Doubt it. So whatever. It's strange that while I was engaged in the process of writing yesterday, it was one of my more peaceful writing experiences. I had lots to say and I knew lots. The last couple of hours, where I was in territory that was not as solid for me were a bit more disconcerting, but even that, I kind of felt like...so what? He'll want me to do some revisions, and I'll do the best I can to get them done. Whatever. It is what it is, and I'm trying not to worry so much about it. (I can hear all of you laughing right this minute. I can. I swear it).

Saturday I made my way to Indy for the Race for the Cure. As you know, I've finished the Couch-2-5K training program, and I was looking forward to running in Indy. It was frustrating because it took forever to get things going. I wanted to run but there were so many people that literally, I was just getting going about half an hour after the official start time. A sea of people. (If you're a friend on facebook, you can see the pictures) As I actually got going with the running, I noticed a heavier-set black woman about a tenth of a mile in front of me. She was running too. I figured that if she could run, then so could I. When I wanted to quit because my legs were tired and it was hard to breathe, I'd look for her. When I found her running, I was reminded that if she could do it, I could too. When I found her walking, I was smugly confident that I was better than she was. I lost track of her about half way through the race, and then with about 3/4s of a mile to go, she found me.

She came up to me and said, "Hey! I've been looking for you! I said, she's running at my pace!" I thought that was funny. I'd been using her as my pacing guide, and she was doing the same thing with me. We finished the race together. It may be a little arrogant to say, but I'm pretty sure that she would have stopped and walked some during that last part of the race. There were several periods where she slowed down significantly. There was no way I was going to stop, though, because I'd promised myself that was what I was going to do...and I was committed to doing it. I wanted to get a picture with her after we crossed the finish line, but she disappeared into the crowd shortly thereafter.

We started KCCT testing today. I'm a reader and a scribe for one of our special education students. Poor guy. I got lost in one of the passages. Students were given an inordinate amount of time to complete the test we did today, I can picture me as a student having finished all of today's testing in approximately 20 minutes, leaving me over an hour to twiddle my thumbs.

Shan will be here in less than 2 weeks. I've got a ton of stuff to do between now and then. I need to find jewelry and a bag for the event. I have a dress, hat, and two pairs of shoes.

April 16, 2010

Evening Update

I actually felt decent today. The first time all week long. That didn't translate into a better day at work, but it was nice to not stand up and feel like I was going to fall out. Didn't feel like I was having seizures through the day. Perhaps it is coincidental that the weather has come in and the rain is coming down. I didn't need to take allergy medicine yesterday, but I'm feeling it this evening.

When I left for work this morning, the car really didn't want to turn over. It did, but I was scared for a minute. This afternoon at work, it was even worse. Stopped by the nearest O'Reilly's (because it was the first place after I got off the highway) and bought a new one. When I asked the manager if he would install it for me, he hesitated. I think they're supposed to do it...although he had to get a tool off the shelf...but was probably hoping that he wouldn't have to. $90 later and I was on down the road.

Also stopped and bought my new digital camera. Will have to go back to the store tomorrow with the memory card for it because apparently it needed a micro rather than the full-size. I hope the micro is as cheap as the larger one. I had the card that was in my old blackberry, so it's in there now. the only problem is that card has other things on it. I suppose I should plug it in to the blackberry, power it up and clean that sucker up. I'll test out the new camera tomorrow in Indy.

I'm a little concerned about the morning's race. Because I've felt like shit all week, Monday was the only day this week that I've run. I know it's just the Race for the Cure, and I know that the time doesn't really matter, but I do want to do well. I've got to get intense about the half-marathon training program too. *sigh* Somehow, somewhere, I've lost my Iphone armband as well as my earphones. I know that I put them in the car when I headed out for spring break, but I couldn't find them when I was on spring break. I have no idea where I left them. I've done a little search of the car, but nothing thorough. However, I really don't think it's in the car. Where it went, though, I have no idea.

When I get back from Indy tomorrow, I will have to buckle down and work on the rewrite of my proposal. I have a plan. (I always have a plan) I think I'm going to be OK. I don't have a lot of info about one particular topic, but I'm hoping that I can find enough tomorrow night that it'll be OK. The biggest part that he wanted clarified and added to will have it. I'm no longer worried about the writing workshop piece. I need to get to work, though, as soon as I get home, and I need to get up early and hit it hard all day long on Sunday.

In other news, I told Matt that for my birthday I wanted to go to KC and see the Royals play. It's been a long time since I've been to a game. Matt has never been to a professional baseball game. He'll be a Royals fan by the time it's over, and we can agree on a sports team. *grin* He's asked for time off for vacation in June, and I bought us tickets to the I-70 series at the end of June! I'm so very excited!!! To save money, we're going to camp as well. He's never really been camping either, and that makes me excited. I think we're going to have such a good time. I've got the camping gear and we'll be together. So. Much. Fun! Have I mentioned that I'm excited about this whole thing? I'm not going to actually book the campsite until I know for sure what days he has off. He wants to take our time going up and coming back (i.e., make it two days rather than a marathon 15-16 hour drive)

There were a few news stories that I wanted to talk about tonight, but I'm so fatigued. It's hard for me to remember things when I'm so tired.

I need to go to bed. The next two days are going to be really, really long.

April 13, 2010

Evening Update

I've spent today feeling like hell. I'm sure staying up so late last night didn't help matters much, but today has been rough. Every time I stood up, I was afraid that I was going to fall out. It was about all I could do to make it home after the seminar I attended today. I walked the doggie around in a daze, and after she did her business, it was a struggle to get up the stairs and into the house. I intended to just lay down for a few minutes so I could then get up and do my run. That didn't happen. I think I might have had a few seizures during the day to be this wiped out.

The truth of the matter is that I am awfully stressed out right now. As we have all come to understand, when that happens to me, my brain gets frazzled and breaks down. That's probably what is at work.

Have you all seen what Nebraska is doing with abortion? I know that there are many different perspectives on abortion, and I can appreciate that. However, I have to think there's a better way of dealing with unwanted pregnancies. I am horrified at the steps that are being taken to shame a woman into different choices. I get that other people are horrified at the thought of the murder of an innocent child. But making a woman undergo a mental evaluation? Really? And if the evaluation shows that the woman is likely to need some sort of mental health support in the aftermath of an abortion, is the state funding that? Really? When state budgets are being slashed to the bone? And the woman may not have those resources available to her?

We talk about infringement of rights in this country, and bitch about the government taking away our rights. And they're coming between a woman and a decision that gets made with her doctor? It's not OK for the government to take steps protect the rights of the poor, but when it comes to a baby, it's OK. I just don't know.

We had a discussion today during the PD about the "policy decisions" in the United States that have led to the conscious decision to have about 20% of our population in poverty. The facilitator threw out a statistic that says since 1970s, the top 1% of wage earners in this country have increased their income by over 400%. The gap between the haves and the have-nots has increased at an incredible pace. As an aside, yesterday I heard an interview with a miner in West Virginia as related to the CEO of Massey, the company running the mine where 29 workers lost their lives. He said the CEO made 28 million dollars in the last two years but wouldn't pay a miner $14.25/hour.

I understand and agree with the capitalist paradigm in this country. But at the same time, I don't buy the argument that if you don't like the pay, go work somewhere else. Where are those miners in West Virginia going to go to work? What other job are they going to do? How else are they going to make a living? I suppose the flip side of that coin for me is also a consideration of what obligation an employer has to their employees. What is does a corporation owe to the workers who make their success possible...beyond a paycheck? And how much is enough?

I fight this fight within myself. I don't totally buy the social dominance and privilege theories. There is a piece of me that says...while fully recognizing that I speak from a position of power and privilege...that if I could make it, coming from where I started, then everyone else should be able to make it too. If I can achieve the "American dream" and experience a modicum of success, then everyone else should be able to as well. However, I came to education and life front-loaded for success regardless of the barriers that I might have had. I came from a literate home. I was a good student. There was an expectation that I was going to be successful. There was an expectation that I was going to be something other than what I was. And that's what happened.

Other kids don't have that background knowledge, support, or expectation. How is it that we truly give those kids a shot at success when they don't come equipped? I don't mean ensuring their success or an equity of outcome. Hard work still has to come into play. But how do we give *everyone* a shot at the opportunity to be a part of whatever it is we're defining as the "American dream"? HOw do we help people understand that there are alternatives and those alternatives are within their reach?

Or is it, as our facilitator argues, a "policy decision" that it's OK to consign a swath of our population who are in poverty and in essence supported by those who have been pre-programmed for success?

(there's a direction to take with this, but I don't think I'm going to go there tonight. Maybe tomorrow)

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April 2010

April 28, 2010

Evening Update

It's been a day. First off, I have bronchitis. I came home from work early on Monday and haven't been the last two days. I'm going to attempt tomorrow, but I make no promises about whether I'm going to be able to stay the entire day or not. I went to the doctor yesterday and discovered that I have bronchitis. What a convenient time to get this sick. I've been taking some medication and I'm doing cough syrup as it is needed. The fever comes and goes. Usually gets worse when I'm up doing things.

Like this afternoon when I had to take my iphone to the apple store. It quit working this afternoon. I thought it was just because it needed to be charged, but I couldn't get it to charge. The guys at the apple store opened it up but couldn't figure out why it wasn't turning on. They gave me a new phone, even though mine was out of warranty by about 6 months. I don't hold an illusion of good will. The new iphone comes out in June; I have a 3G, not the 3GS. They're getting rid of that stock because the price on the 3G phones will drop. So, a new phone for me. Yay me.

Speaking of the apple store...it was like geek central in there. Not the customers, but the help. Seriously stereotypical. There were a few who weren't what you'd expect when you think "geeks", but the great majority of them were. I felt a little out of place in my t-shirt and denim capris.

Then I went to the grocery store. It seems like I've spent a fortune at the grocery store lately and there's nothing in the house to eat. I got some stuff to make for our lunch on Friday and then some stuff to take into Derby for snacks. And things for breakfast that I don't normally eat but other people might. By the time I got home and hung curtains in the spare room (screwed that up nicely but we're not going to talk about that right this minute), I was worn out.

The biggest news of the day, though, is that my proposal has been deemed acceptable! I was beginning to worry about it and starting to wonder if I should send an email to see what was going on with it. According to my chair, there's about 2-3 hours of revisions that need to be done to it before I can print copies to be distributed to the rest of my committee. To go along with that, it appears that there will be a defense on June 7. That might actually be the best news because it means that I don't have to rush out of here on June 2 to make it south for a defense. With that extra time, I think I might actually work on June 3 (get one of my extra days out of the way) and then make my way south...leisurely...on the 4th. Then I can have Saturday and Sunday to prepare.

Speaking of that, I'm a little nervous about that. I don't know what to expect, but I'm hoping that my good friend Debi can help me with that a little bit. Somewhere in my stuff I have the questions that will be asked in the defense. I need to dig that out or put my hands on it or something.

Anyway. I need to get to bed. So much to do tomorrow, which will be hard because I don't feel great yet.

April 26, 2010

Evening Update

Still not a very happy fuzz but on top of that grouchiness, I'm sicker than a dog. I started coughing on Saturday. It's gotten worse. So bad that I was told to go home from work. I don't think I'm going to make it in tomorrow. Will probably go to the doctor instead. I cannot be sick this weekend, and this cough is killing me. I don't think it's allergies because I've had an intermittent fever and I've been taking my allergy medicine religiously.

On the way home from work today, I was listening to the Diane Rehm show, and they were discussing a novel called The Slap. Lots of commentary from folks calling, both pro and con for corporal punishment. I think we all know by now what my stance on corporal punishment is, and that is that I am not in favor of it. I can think of very few instances where corporal punishment in s an appropriate response on the part of the adult. However, as a bit of a tangent, the author of the novel and several callers were talking about increasingly rude and coarse public behavior...combined with the number of people who intervene or who are afraid to intervene.

While she took a lot of heat for it and people still ridicule the notion, I think that it *does* take a village to raise a child. The problem in our country isn't with political correctness, as one of the callers (who happened to be from Kentucky) said on the show. The problem is that too many people are afraid to step in when they see people behaving badly. I mean, a man who stopped a mugger and was stabbed, bled to death on a sidewalk while people walked by. We as a country don't get involved. I hear it all the time in my building. I hear kids using inappropriate language and no one steps in to say, "Hey...we don't use that kind of language here, and it's not appropriate in public."

Tonight when I came in from getting some ice cream for my sore throat, I noticed the rugrats out front. I've noticed lately that the redbuds out front of the apartment building had many broken branches, and at other times, I've noticed these little boys whacking at the trees with their toy swords or trying to climb the trees (they're not big enough for climbing). Tonight, one of the boys had a big branch, with its buds and leaves still on it, I could see where he'd ripped it from the tree, that he was going to use to get his toy out of another tree. He wasn't big enough even with the branch to get his toy, so I got it for him. Before I handed the toy back to him, I told I looked at all of them, stared hard at the one with the branch in his hand, and told them that they had to quit tearing up the trees. Breaking branches and destroying the trees was no acceptable behavior. They tried to deny that they'd done it, but I just looked at them and said that I didn't want to hear excuses; I just wanted them to respect the property of others.

It's much easier for me to intervene at school. I have some authority there, and I feel more comfortable intervening. It's easier to intervene with little kids, but it's harder in other situations. I'm not a saint, and I often remain silent when I should speak up. But I do speak up when it's to a point where I can't stand it. If I spoke up more often, then it would be better.

How often do you intervene? How often to you step in and correct behavior that is out of bounds?

Need to make some hot buttered rum and head off to the bed.

PS...

The hot buttered rum actually helped the cough, but I've still taken the day off. Will call the doctor tomorrow. See what he has to say or if I can get in. I need to make some hot buttered rum mix since I am now out of it.

In other news, when you break up with someone, I hate it when people tell you that God is preparing someone else for you. While it is true that sometimes there's someone else out there, what if the truth is that you'll remain alone? I know women like that. Some men too. That they go through a break-up and they have short-term relationships but no real bond. I've often wondered that about myself. What if there isn't someone out there for me? Someone who will love me in spite of? I think I've found that now, but there have been times when I have wondered.

April 24, 2010

Evening Update

This is going to be blasphemous I know, but I think that maybe I don't like margaritas so much. I decided that tonight I needed to have margaritas because there's a storm coming through and because I planned on having chips and guacamole for dinner (homemade guacamole, thank you very much). Yeah, not so much. I mean it's OK, but I keep feeling like I'd rather have a martini or a rum & sprite. So. yeah. I suppose there's a reason why I've not purchased tequila in forever (I can't remember the last time I actually bought tequila...hmmmm).

I have spent today shopping. I had a coupon for Ulta, and I needed to buy some eyelid primer as well as some blush. And some eyeliner. And some eyeshadow. The blush and the primer were things I needed any way. The eyeliner and eyeshadow are for Derby. My beloved friend the Princess is gonna send me step-by-step directions for how to do my eyes. I don't ever really wear eyeshadow. Just some neutral base so there's something for the eyeliner to cling to. So, when I do decided to actually apply eyeshadow like normal people, it's a bit of a stressful process for me.

Then I needed to find a bag and some feathers for my hat. Which required stops at Marshalls and TJ Maxx and Dees. There was also a detour to Blackstones (where I picked up a bracelet that goes with my necklace (purchased on Wednesday? Thursday?) that was better than the bracelet that actually matches the necklace) and Macys. It's clearance time, and I was hoping to find something of interest. I did not.

I think my Derby outfit is finally complete. I spent an additional $20 on stuff for my hat today (a couple of sprays of feathers and a silk rose), which is on top of the $30 I've already spent. That is getting off cheap, though...compared to some of the things I saw coming out of Dees. I think what I got to add to the hat is good. Have emailed a pic of it to Shan, and as soon as she gives her approval, I'll find myself a hot glue gun and affix things. I found a bag that while it doesn't match exactly, it's good enough. As Shan's mom used to say, if any one is looking that close, they need a punch in the nose. I'm good with that attitude and philosphy.

I have a necklace which is turquoise beads with some silver filigree on some of them. The bracelet I picked up today is a three strands of turquoise beads with an enamel flower...silver edges, rhinestone in the center. It goes well with the dress, and the shoes. So, all of that is good. I have a pair of flip flops that have turquoise sparkles on the straps. They will go into my light blue faux croc tote.

Doesn't seem like a lot, doesn't it? Yeah...I spent about $120 today. *sigh* I told someone that I felt like I was getting ready for the adult daytime drunken version of a prom. *grin*

There are storms moving through. It's not raining very hard right now which means I need to take my doggie out.

My body feels like it's in rebellion. I know that part of it is due to a period, but the rest of it...my right hip has been hurting. And by hurting, I mean aching like my shoulder. Which is killing me. My right ankle and foot are having problems too. As is my left ankle. I'm gonna be 34 soon. Maybe I'm falling a part. *pout*

When I was walking the doggie there was a ton of stuff that I wanted to talk about. I was thinking about what I wanted to say and what things I wanted to link. Now I can't remember it. Other conversations intruding, I guess.

This past week was testing week at school. I was working with a little seventh grader. Supposedly he's at the very least mildly mentally retarded. I didn't get that feeling from him, although I did notice that he was certainly slow. Poor little guy. He didn't get it. We spent hours frustrated because he had no clue what was going on. I didn't know how to help him...on top of the fact that I wasn't allowed to help him. I could just seem him retreating into himself, becoming smaller and smaller as he realized that there was no way for him to find the answer.

That is what NCLB and accountability has wrought in our country. We make children feel like shit because we're determined that all of them should be able to do the same things, when the truth is that not all of them can do the same things. I don't dispute that we need change in education. That we were not doing right by so many children in this country, but we continue to not do write by those same children. As we look across the country, it's a farce to believe that we can have anything approaching equality. We have schools in the Delta that don't have certified teachers working in buildings that aren't fit. We have schools in Louisville where it's been acceptable to simply warehouse students until they age out of the system. We have people who would stand up and scream if their children were subjected to some of the things that happen across this country, but because it's someone else's children--and I'm sad to say, often brown and black children--they don't say a word. They're too busy complaining about how their school district decided that middle and high school students should start school an hour later (which is a researched based position. Not education researched based but brain science research based).

And then places like Boston think that the answer is to revamp teacher education. Which I agree. Is true. We desperately need to revamp teacher education, but we don't have the money or the time to do that. They're talking about the "medical model", where first year teachers go through a "residency" where they teach with an exemplary teacher for a year. Which is great and exactly what we need! But! They accept 75...let me spell that out for you...SEVENTY-FIVE...teachers a year. 75!!! That isn't even a dent. And where are those 75 teachers working? At an inner city school in Boston. Those kids are finally getting what they deserve, but what about the rest of the children in this country? How does Boston's residency program help those kids across the country who have been forgotten? How do those 75 teachers make any sort of impact on the teacher needs in this country?

And where does NY state's allowing of alt cert programs to offer their own masters programs/degrees? That won't have to go through a college at all. But they'll get a "masters degree". Which I don't really understand because masters are education degrees. Through colleges. Do we do that in other professions? I honestly don't know, but somehow when I picture someone who wants an MBA, while their work experience may get them some credits, that doesn't account for everything.

It makes me angry.

Have I mentioned that my shoulder hurts? And that I'm having this weird stabbing pain in my left breast? And that starting about an hour ago, it feels like there's something under my shirt, irritating my skin? Definitely falling apart. Dammit.

Not the happiest fuzz right now. I re-signed my lease yesterday. I needed to do it before the 30th in order to keep my rent at the same rate. I didn't want to be here again next year, but I think it's important for me to be here again next year. I need to make the money. But I don't want to be here again next year. I don't want to be alone while it's storming or when there's something I want to go do. I don't want to miss out on things because I'm not where I want to be. Yeah, I'm where I'm supposed to be for this moment. I believe that. That doesn't make it any easier, though.

That's not all, but that's all I'm going to talk about right now.

I should go to bed. Too much thinking isn't good for me.

April 19, 2010

Evening Update

So. I've been playing with my sweet puppy dog this evening. I think she was telling me that she needs to go for a run. I need to do that tomorrow night. We didn't tonight because I'm tired, but she was playing a little on the rough side. I suppose that's understandable since she doesn't have George or Matt to play with. She doesn't understand that her pulling hurts Momma's shoulder. And it does. Hurt. Momma's shoulder.

I finished the revisions to my proposal last night and shipped it off to Kinkos. It will be delivered to my chair a day late, but whatever. What is he going to do at this point? Tell me that because it's a day late, I'm finished? Doubt it. So whatever. It's strange that while I was engaged in the process of writing yesterday, it was one of my more peaceful writing experiences. I had lots to say and I knew lots. The last couple of hours, where I was in territory that was not as solid for me were a bit more disconcerting, but even that, I kind of felt like...so what? He'll want me to do some revisions, and I'll do the best I can to get them done. Whatever. It is what it is, and I'm trying not to worry so much about it. (I can hear all of you laughing right this minute. I can. I swear it).

Saturday I made my way to Indy for the Race for the Cure. As you know, I've finished the Couch-2-5K training program, and I was looking forward to running in Indy. It was frustrating because it took forever to get things going. I wanted to run but there were so many people that literally, I was just getting going about half an hour after the official start time. A sea of people. (If you're a friend on facebook, you can see the pictures) As I actually got going with the running, I noticed a heavier-set black woman about a tenth of a mile in front of me. She was running too. I figured that if she could run, then so could I. When I wanted to quit because my legs were tired and it was hard to breathe, I'd look for her. When I found her running, I was reminded that if she could do it, I could too. When I found her walking, I was smugly confident that I was better than she was. I lost track of her about half way through the race, and then with about 3/4s of a mile to go, she found me.

She came up to me and said, "Hey! I've been looking for you! I said, she's running at my pace!" I thought that was funny. I'd been using her as my pacing guide, and she was doing the same thing with me. We finished the race together. It may be a little arrogant to say, but I'm pretty sure that she would have stopped and walked some during that last part of the race. There were several periods where she slowed down significantly. There was no way I was going to stop, though, because I'd promised myself that was what I was going to do...and I was committed to doing it. I wanted to get a picture with her after we crossed the finish line, but she disappeared into the crowd shortly thereafter.

We started KCCT testing today. I'm a reader and a scribe for one of our special education students. Poor guy. I got lost in one of the passages. Students were given an inordinate amount of time to complete the test we did today, I can picture me as a student having finished all of today's testing in approximately 20 minutes, leaving me over an hour to twiddle my thumbs.

Shan will be here in less than 2 weeks. I've got a ton of stuff to do between now and then. I need to find jewelry and a bag for the event. I have a dress, hat, and two pairs of shoes.

April 16, 2010

Evening Update

I actually felt decent today. The first time all week long. That didn't translate into a better day at work, but it was nice to not stand up and feel like I was going to fall out. Didn't feel like I was having seizures through the day. Perhaps it is coincidental that the weather has come in and the rain is coming down. I didn't need to take allergy medicine yesterday, but I'm feeling it this evening.

When I left for work this morning, the car really didn't want to turn over. It did, but I was scared for a minute. This afternoon at work, it was even worse. Stopped by the nearest O'Reilly's (because it was the first place after I got off the highway) and bought a new one. When I asked the manager if he would install it for me, he hesitated. I think they're supposed to do it...although he had to get a tool off the shelf...but was probably hoping that he wouldn't have to. $90 later and I was on down the road.

Also stopped and bought my new digital camera. Will have to go back to the store tomorrow with the memory card for it because apparently it needed a micro rather than the full-size. I hope the micro is as cheap as the larger one. I had the card that was in my old blackberry, so it's in there now. the only problem is that card has other things on it. I suppose I should plug it in to the blackberry, power it up and clean that sucker up. I'll test out the new camera tomorrow in Indy.

I'm a little concerned about the morning's race. Because I've felt like shit all week, Monday was the only day this week that I've run. I know it's just the Race for the Cure, and I know that the time doesn't really matter, but I do want to do well. I've got to get intense about the half-marathon training program too. *sigh* Somehow, somewhere, I've lost my Iphone armband as well as my earphones. I know that I put them in the car when I headed out for spring break, but I couldn't find them when I was on spring break. I have no idea where I left them. I've done a little search of the car, but nothing thorough. However, I really don't think it's in the car. Where it went, though, I have no idea.

When I get back from Indy tomorrow, I will have to buckle down and work on the rewrite of my proposal. I have a plan. (I always have a plan) I think I'm going to be OK. I don't have a lot of info about one particular topic, but I'm hoping that I can find enough tomorrow night that it'll be OK. The biggest part that he wanted clarified and added to will have it. I'm no longer worried about the writing workshop piece. I need to get to work, though, as soon as I get home, and I need to get up early and hit it hard all day long on Sunday.

In other news, I told Matt that for my birthday I wanted to go to KC and see the Royals play. It's been a long time since I've been to a game. Matt has never been to a professional baseball game. He'll be a Royals fan by the time it's over, and we can agree on a sports team. *grin* He's asked for time off for vacation in June, and I bought us tickets to the I-70 series at the end of June! I'm so very excited!!! To save money, we're going to camp as well. He's never really been camping either, and that makes me excited. I think we're going to have such a good time. I've got the camping gear and we'll be together. So. Much. Fun! Have I mentioned that I'm excited about this whole thing? I'm not going to actually book the campsite until I know for sure what days he has off. He wants to take our time going up and coming back (i.e., make it two days rather than a marathon 15-16 hour drive)

There were a few news stories that I wanted to talk about tonight, but I'm so fatigued. It's hard for me to remember things when I'm so tired.

I need to go to bed. The next two days are going to be really, really long.

April 13, 2010

Evening Update

I've spent today feeling like hell. I'm sure staying up so late last night didn't help matters much, but today has been rough. Every time I stood up, I was afraid that I was going to fall out. It was about all I could do to make it home after the seminar I attended today. I walked the doggie around in a daze, and after she did her business, it was a struggle to get up the stairs and into the house. I intended to just lay down for a few minutes so I could then get up and do my run. That didn't happen. I think I might have had a few seizures during the day to be this wiped out.

The truth of the matter is that I am awfully stressed out right now. As we have all come to understand, when that happens to me, my brain gets frazzled and breaks down. That's probably what is at work.

Have you all seen what Nebraska is doing with abortion? I know that there are many different perspectives on abortion, and I can appreciate that. However, I have to think there's a better way of dealing with unwanted pregnancies. I am horrified at the steps that are being taken to shame a woman into different choices. I get that other people are horrified at the thought of the murder of an innocent child. But making a woman undergo a mental evaluation? Really? And if the evaluation shows that the woman is likely to need some sort of mental health support in the aftermath of an abortion, is the state funding that? Really? When state budgets are being slashed to the bone? And the woman may not have those resources available to her?

We talk about infringement of rights in this country, and bitch about the government taking away our rights. And they're coming between a woman and a decision that gets made with her doctor? It's not OK for the government to take steps protect the rights of the poor, but when it comes to a baby, it's OK. I just don't know.

We had a discussion today during the PD about the "policy decisions" in the United States that have led to the conscious decision to have about 20% of our population in poverty. The facilitator threw out a statistic that says since 1970s, the top 1% of wage earners in this country have increased their income by over 400%. The gap between the haves and the have-nots has increased at an incredible pace. As an aside, yesterday I heard an interview with a miner in West Virginia as related to the CEO of Massey, the company running the mine where 29 workers lost their lives. He said the CEO made 28 million dollars in the last two years but wouldn't pay a miner $14.25/hour.

I understand and agree with the capitalist paradigm in this country. But at the same time, I don't buy the argument that if you don't like the pay, go work somewhere else. Where are those miners in West Virginia going to go to work? What other job are they going to do? How else are they going to make a living? I suppose the flip side of that coin for me is also a consideration of what obligation an employer has to their employees. What is does a corporation owe to the workers who make their success possible...beyond a paycheck? And how much is enough?

I fight this fight within myself. I don't totally buy the social dominance and privilege theories. There is a piece of me that says...while fully recognizing that I speak from a position of power and privilege...that if I could make it, coming from where I started, then everyone else should be able to make it too. If I can achieve the "American dream" and experience a modicum of success, then everyone else should be able to as well. However, I came to education and life front-loaded for success regardless of the barriers that I might have had. I came from a literate home. I was a good student. There was an expectation that I was going to be successful. There was an expectation that I was going to be something other than what I was. And that's what happened.

Other kids don't have that background knowledge, support, or expectation. How is it that we truly give those kids a shot at success when they don't come equipped? I don't mean ensuring their success or an equity of outcome. Hard work still has to come into play. But how do we give *everyone* a shot at the opportunity to be a part of whatever it is we're defining as the "American dream"? HOw do we help people understand that there are alternatives and those alternatives are within their reach?

Or is it, as our facilitator argues, a "policy decision" that it's OK to consign a swath of our population who are in poverty and in essence supported by those who have been pre-programmed for success?

(there's a direction to take with this, but I don't think I'm going to go there tonight. Maybe tomorrow)

April 12, 2010

Evening Update

I sorta meant to update the site while I was on spring break. I even went so far as to figure out how to do it from my iphone, which is not as easy as you would think it might be. However, I didn't do it. I was having too good of a time. I think I officially got online once. The rest of the time I checked a few things from my phone. It was good for me.

It was a really good break. Even though I didn't get half of what I needed done, it was still a really good break.

I'm at peace. Some of you will know what that is about; others won't but can probably guess. I'm good these days. I know what I'm doing and where I'm going, and I'm more than good with the path I'm on. I've made it. I don't know exactly what changed or why, but I know it now like I didn't before. Which is a very good thing.

Quick recap of spring break, sans photos because my camera quit working and my memory card is supposedly dead?

I'm so glad that I took the time Friday afternoon to clean the house before I left. I didn't actually get on the road until about 6, but that was OK because when I got home last night, I had a clean house that smelled good. I set out a few extra small litter boxes for the kids so there was no mess of that order to clean up when I walked through the door. I can't tell you how nice that was. Somehow, though, the kids fouled their water. It was NASTY when I got back. Fortunately before I left, I'd left the lids up on both of the toilets so they had access to water. Note to self: the next time I leave the kids for a total of 9 days, leave them another bowl of water away from their food.

Anyway. The drive to Missouri wasn't bad. At least from Louisville to St. Louis. When I got to St. Louis, though, the rain that my momma ran into when she was coming back from Harrison, AR found me. It was gawd awful. I probably should have pulled over, but I just slowed way the heck down. Didn't want to have an accident. When I say it was bad rain, it was bad rain. There was a wreck in the east-bound lanes at the 190 mile-marker involving a semi that was bad. Bad, bad, bad. Blessings on their souls.

Met up with the Sner at the motel. It was good to see her. It was also good to see the rest of the family. I worry about GrandSner, but I guess there's not a lot that can be done about that. It is what it is at this point. Sner got the storage unit cleared out. We had an early Easter dinner with the fam down at Hooten's. Met Sergei. Nice guy from Russia. Who killed the turtle that we had for dinner. Yes, you read right, I had turtle for Easter dinner. It wasn't bad. I don't really know how to describe it. People keep asking me if it tasted like chicken, and I don't think it did. It was little fried nuggets that were served with biscuits and gravy so I was left with the strong impression of chicken fried steak. It wasn't exactly that, but it was something like that. I know that doesn't make any sense, but that's the best I have for you.

Drove home on Easter. Not a bad trip through the mountains. I wanted to get Matt some Fat Tire for his Easter basket, but I forgot to stop in Springfield. Every place that I stopped in Branson didn't have it. The place in West Memphis that had it couldn't sell it on Sunday. I'll have to pick some up for him the next time I make a trip south.

Because Beth and Mark were having septic tank issues, I stayed at Granny's. With Matt. Cob stayed across the way with her brown boyfriend. Did I mention it was a good week?

I'd told Matt there were two things I wanted during my spring break, and that was to eat crawfish and make a trip to New Orleans. Because he's a good boy and a smart boy, he made both of those things happen.

I had a moment of panic when we were in New Orleans. I tried to use my debit card to pay for the parking meter when we got there. It was declined. I knew that I had money in my account before I left Louisville. For god's sake, I'd gotten paid on Friday, and it was just Tuesday. the panic lasted through Wednesday morning when I got a chance to get online to look at my balance. I was scared that like last summer when I knew I had money in my account that it had disappeared because someone had stolen my debit card number. Not the case. It was just that machine. And I should have known that because it declined Matt's card too. But I was scared all night long. I had cash on me, and that was what I used while we were in NOLA. There were a couple of pieces of jewelry, though, that I would have bought if I was confident that there was money in my account. With the changes in banking regulations, I didn't want to take the chance that I'd get hit with tons of charges in case my account actually had been drained. When we got home, I seriously had to take a pill in order to get to sleep. I was that worried about it.

Took the car in to Honda to have the EGR port cleaned out, which was supposed to be the reason why my check engine light and TCS light were coming on. Yeah, they were off for about 30 minutes, and then they were right back on. I'm not sure exactly what the problem is now, but I'm worried that it's the ABS module, which is a thousand dollar repair. Ugh. Or it's the linkage in the tranny going bad. Either one is not a pretty thought (my year of Honda supposedly has some transmissions problems). I think maybe I'm going to just not worry about it; pull a Scarlett.

There's not a lot to say about the rest of the week. We hung out, we played, we had a good time. Friday night we went to Paul B. to spend time with his friend Daniel who was going to be playing at Brookstock the next day. We were supposed to spend the night because they had a couple of cabins, but I made the decision that we were going to go home. When we got there around 7, we were socializing and having a good time. We didn't think that we should go ahead and stake out our room in the cabin. When the folks arrived later, the couple and the single person took the two bedrooms, leaving the fold-out couch to Matt and me. He tried to talk to them about it, but we were out of luck. He told me that if I wanted, we could go home. His buddy Daniel said we could take his room, and he'd sleep on the couch. I didn't feel good about that, though, so at 3:00 in the morning, we went home to bed.

Saturday we went back south to Brookfest and had a good time. Matt got to drink early in the day; I got to drink later. And I did drink. The music was OK. Daniel's band was good, but the other ones, leading up to the Glitter Boys were just OK. There was a female duo that had one good singer, but the other one needed to learn how to use the mic to her advantage. As well as enunciation skills. Poor thing. She swallowed lots of her words. On that note, with them, there are some songs that just shouldn't be done acoustically. I would have never thought Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" would be good acoustically; it was. However. There were a couple of rap songs that they did with acoustic guitars that were just awful. Did not translate at all.

There were a couple of dark spots on the evening, one of which was my digi cam dying. I've got to buy a new one before Derby. One minute it was working and the next it wasn't. Made me very sad. One of Daniel's friends got a great couple of pics of Matt and me. I need to make sure that I can get those from them. Since I can't get them off my own camera.

The other dark moment was the redneck who somehow thought it was appropriate to comment on my breasts and didn't get the hint when it was made clear that his attentions were unwelcomed. It was later in the evening and I'd gone to the bathroom. He was standing outside when I came out and said, "Damn girl!" About half an hour later, Matt and I were eating crawfish, and the same dumbass came up to the same table we were at, started singing the Rodney Carrington song "Titties and Beer". It was perhaps even worse as he had his son...couldn't have been older than seven or eight. Later, when the Glitter Boys were on stage, and Matt and I were sitting next to each other, he came up and apparently thought it would be a good idea to say something else. Now...for those of you who have not seen Matt, he's an intimidating presence. He's a big guy. Tall and big. Not someone you want to fuck with. Just saying. But apparently this jackass didn't get it. Matt waved him off, but later he came back! First he went to Amanda, a friend of Daniel's, and then, when Matt had gone to the bathroom, he came back to me!! The Princess was with me, and we both told him he needed to go on because Matt was on his way back, but damn!

I didn't think the shirt I was wearing was that inappropriate or even that revealing. I mean, it could be, but I wasn't wearing it that way. I don't generally want to draw that sort of attention to myself, and the previous times I've worn the shirt (I've had it for a year), I haven't gotten that kind of attention. When I wore that same shirt in New Orleans it wasn't a problem. I asked Matt if I needed to retire the shirt, and he said no because he liked it and the problem wasn't the shirt, it was the dumbass. Still, though. It got to be uncomfortable. I'm sure the guy was just drunk, but it was still not a pleasant experience.

I cried when I left Sunday. It was really hard to leave. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to get through the next year and a half. This isn't where I want to be. Matt tried to tell me not to cry...he was pretty good about it...but I cried nonetheless. I'm sure that the hormones right now don't help the situation. (my shopping cart tonight contained brownie mix, ice cream, and dark chocolate chex mix. Hmmmmmm...what do you think that means?) The beautiful scenery as I made my way north, with the redbuds and the dogwoods in bloom, didn't make me feel better.

My stomach has been upset the last two days. I'm sure it's because of not having gotten all the things done that I needed to. I taught all day today. Literally during the first class, I was shaking. I felt myself. I didn't get a chance to eat during the day. I'd stopped and bought breakfast (which is now in my fridge), but I didn't get a chance to eat it. No lunch. There was a dentist appointment after work (one of my silver fillings was replaced with a tooth colored one that I don't know if I like the feel of it) and then a run. I didn't have dinner until about 9:30, and even then, I wasn't really hungry. That whole upset tummy thing going on.

More tomorrow. It's waaaaaaay too late, and I should have been in bed hours ago.

Last Updated May 3, 2010

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Evening Update

I sorta meant to update the site while I was on spring break. I even went so far as to figure out how to do it from my iphone, which is not as easy as you would think it might be. However, I didn't do it. I was having too good of a time. I think I officially got online once. The rest of the time I checked a few things from my phone. It was good for me.

It was a really good break. Even though I didn't get half of what I needed done, it was still a really good break.

I'm at peace. Some of you will know what that is about; others won't but can probably guess. I'm good these days. I know what I'm doing and where I'm going, and I'm more than good with the path I'm on. I've made it. I don't know exactly what changed or why, but I know it now like I didn't before. Which is a very good thing.

Quick recap of spring break, sans photos because my camera quit working and my memory card is supposedly dead?

I'm so glad that I took the time Friday afternoon to clean the house before I left. I didn't actually get on the road until about 6, but that was OK because when I got home last night, I had a clean house that smelled good. I set out a few extra small litter boxes for the kids so there was no mess of that order to clean up when I walked through the door. I can't tell you how nice that was. Somehow, though, the kids fouled their water. It was NASTY when I got back. Fortunately before I left, I'd left the lids up on both of the toilets so they had access to water. Note to self: the next time I leave the kids for a total of 9 days, leave them another bowl of water away from their food.

Anyway. The drive to Missouri wasn't bad. At least from Louisville to St. Louis. When I got to St. Louis, though, the rain that my momma ran into when she was coming back from Harrison, AR found me. It was gawd awful. I probably should have pulled over, but I just slowed way the heck down. Didn't want to have an accident. When I say it was bad rain, it was bad rain. There was a wreck in the east-bound lanes at the 190 mile-marker involving a semi that was bad. Bad, bad, bad. Blessings on their souls.

Met up with the Sner at the motel. It was good to see her. It was also good to see the rest of the family. I worry about GrandSner, but I guess there's not a lot that can be done about that. It is what it is at this point. Sner got the storage unit cleared out. We had an early Easter dinner with the fam down at Hooten's. Met Sergei. Nice guy from Russia. Who killed the turtle that we had for dinner. Yes, you read right, I had turtle for Easter dinner. It wasn't bad. I don't really know how to describe it. People keep asking me if it tasted like chicken, and I don't think it did. It was little fried nuggets that were served with biscuits and gravy so I was left with the strong impression of chicken fried steak. It wasn't exactly that, but it was something like that. I know that doesn't make any sense, but that's the best I have for you.

Drove home on Easter. Not a bad trip through the mountains. I wanted to get Matt some Fat Tire for his Easter basket, but I forgot to stop in Springfield. Every place that I stopped in Branson didn't have it. The place in West Memphis that had it couldn't sell it on Sunday. I'll have to pick some up for him the next time I make a trip south.

Because Beth and Mark were having septic tank issues, I stayed at Granny's. With Matt. Cob stayed across the way with her brown boyfriend. Did I mention it was a good week?

I'd told Matt there were two things I wanted during my spring break, and that was to eat crawfish and make a trip to New Orleans. Because he's a good boy and a smart boy, he made both of those things happen.

I had a moment of panic when we were in New Orleans. I tried to use my debit card to pay for the parking meter when we got there. It was declined. I knew that I had money in my account before I left Louisville. For god's sake, I'd gotten paid on Friday, and it was just Tuesday. the panic lasted through Wednesday morning when I got a chance to get online to look at my balance. I was scared that like last summer when I knew I had money in my account that it had disappeared because someone had stolen my debit card number. Not the case. It was just that machine. And I should have known that because it declined Matt's card too. But I was scared all night long. I had cash on me, and that was what I used while we were in NOLA. There were a couple of pieces of jewelry, though, that I would have bought if I was confident that there was money in my account. With the changes in banking regulations, I didn't want to take the chance that I'd get hit with tons of charges in case my account actually had been drained. When we got home, I seriously had to take a pill in order to get to sleep. I was that worried about it.

Took the car in to Honda to have the EGR port cleaned out, which was supposed to be the reason why my check engine light and TCS light were coming on. Yeah, they were off for about 30 minutes, and then they were right back on. I'm not sure exactly what the problem is now, but I'm worried that it's the ABS module, which is a thousand dollar repair. Ugh. Or it's the linkage in the tranny going bad. Either one is not a pretty thought (my year of Honda supposedly has some transmissions problems). I think maybe I'm going to just not worry about it; pull a Scarlett.

There's not a lot to say about the rest of the week. We hung out, we played, we had a good time. Friday night we went to Paul B. to spend time with his friend Daniel who was going to be playing at Brookstock the next day. We were supposed to spend the night because they had a couple of cabins, but I made the decision that we were going to go home. When we got there around 7, we were socializing and having a good time. We didn't think that we should go ahead and stake out our room in the cabin. When the folks arrived later, the couple and the single person took the two bedrooms, leaving the fold-out couch to Matt and me. He tried to talk to them about it, but we were out of luck. He told me that if I wanted, we could go home. His buddy Daniel said we could take his room, and he'd sleep on the couch. I didn't feel good about that, though, so at 3:00 in the morning, we went home to bed.

Saturday we went back south to Brookfest and had a good time. Matt got to drink early in the day; I got to drink later. And I did drink. The music was OK. Daniel's band was good, but the other ones, leading up to the Glitter Boys were just OK. There was a female duo that had one good singer, but the other one needed to learn how to use the mic to her advantage. As well as enunciation skills. Poor thing. She swallowed lots of her words. On that note, with them, there are some songs that just shouldn't be done acoustically. I would have never thought Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" would be good acoustically; it was. However. There were a couple of rap songs that they did with acoustic guitars that were just awful. Did not translate at all.

There were a couple of dark spots on the evening, one of which was my digi cam dying. I've got to buy a new one before Derby. One minute it was working and the next it wasn't. Made me very sad. One of Daniel's friends got a great couple of pics of Matt and me. I need to make sure that I can get those from them. Since I can't get them off my own camera.

The other dark moment was the redneck who somehow thought it was appropriate to comment on my breasts and didn't get the hint when it was made clear that his attentions were unwelcomed. It was later in the evening and I'd gone to the bathroom. He was standing outside when I came out and said, "Damn girl!" About half an hour later, Matt and I were eating crawfish, and the same dumbass came up to the same table we were at, started singing the Rodney Carrington song "Titties and Beer". It was perhaps even worse as he had his son...couldn't have been older than seven or eight. Later, when the Glitter Boys were on stage, and Matt and I were sitting next to each other, he came up and apparently thought it would be a good idea to say something else. Now...for those of you who have not seen Matt, he's an intimidating presence. He's a big guy. Tall and big. Not someone you want to fuck with. Just saying. But apparently this jackass didn't get it. Matt waved him off, but later he came back! First he went to Amanda, a friend of Daniel's, and then, when Matt had gone to the bathroom, he came back to me!! The Princess was with me, and we both told him he needed to go on because Matt was on his way back, but damn!

I didn't think the shirt I was wearing was that inappropriate or even that revealing. I mean, it could be, but I wasn't wearing it that way. I don't generally want to draw that sort of attention to myself, and the previous times I've worn the shirt (I've had it for a year), I haven't gotten that kind of attention. When I wore that same shirt in New Orleans it wasn't a problem. I asked Matt if I needed to retire the shirt, and he said no because he liked it and the problem wasn't the shirt, it was the dumbass. Still, though. It got to be uncomfortable. I'm sure the guy was just drunk, but it was still not a pleasant experience.

I cried when I left Sunday. It was really hard to leave. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to get through the next year and a half. This isn't where I want to be. Matt tried to tell me not to cry...he was pretty good about it...but I cried nonetheless. I'm sure that the hormones right now don't help the situation. (my shopping cart tonight contained brownie mix, ice cream, and dark chocolate chex mix. Hmmmmmm...what do you think that means?) The beautiful scenery as I made my way north, with the redbuds and the dogwoods in bloom, didn't make me feel better.

My stomach has been upset the last two days. I'm sure it's because of not having gotten all the things done that I needed to. I taught all day today. Literally during the first class, I was shaking. I felt myself. I didn't get a chance to eat during the day. I'd stopped and bought breakfast (which is now in my fridge), but I didn't get a chance to eat it. No lunch. There was a dentist appointment after work (one of my silver fillings was replaced with a tooth colored one that I don't know if I like the feel of it) and then a run. I didn't have dinner until about 9:30, and even then, I wasn't really hungry. That whole upset tummy thing going on.

More tomorrow. It's waaaaaaay too late, and I should have been in bed hours ago.