April 2008
April 30, 2008
Evening Update
The beginning of the descent into an incredibly shitty day can be found here.
It was a perfectly shitty day at work; it hasn't gotten any better since I got home. I had to make a flying trip to the hut to open it up for the church that rents it...it was a wreck. So in about 20 minutes, I swept and mopped the place. I hate being rushed and feeling like I'm letting people down.
One (or both) of the damn cats has pissed in the living room. Somewhere. I can smell it, but I cannot for the life of me find it. I've pulled both the chair and the couch out. Gotten down on my hands and knees and sniffed along the floor and the bottom of the furniture. There is no wet spot; there is no discoloration. But I can smell it. Dammit. I've sprayed febreeze. I have a candle burning. I'm going to light some incense in a minute. Because it is going to drive me fucking insane.
That's what I get for letting the dog sleep in the bed with me. Fucking cats.
My right hip is killing me. It's been hurting for the last couple of days. I don't know what's going on with it. And when I say it's killing me? I mean it's killing me. Constant dull ache, and then there are shooting pains.
I was reminded this morning why it is that I keep a whole lot of things to myself. I share lots of stuff here, but the nitty gritty stays mine. Except this morning, I was having a little melt-down, so I sent an email. Two actually. No response to those messages. OK. I get it. Some times I just have to be reminded of the things that I know are true.
My horoscope says that I need to acknowledge and admit my vulnerability and trust that I can be loved in spite of my wounds. OK. I did. And. Nothing. Good deal.
I'm going to have a few drinks, take an ambien and go to bed. Pretty sure that's what the universe is telling me to do. I was supposed to meet friends for drinks this evening, but after getting gross and sweating cleaning the hut in record time, I had no desire to go out for anything. Plus...I can't afford it.
Morning Update
Last night was pretty bad, but if you're up to it, find it here.
It has become apparent to me that I have perhaps set my sights a little too high. It is no wonder I haven't heard back from New Orleans. How in the world did I think I could compete with folks from Harvard? They don't even need regular classroom teachers right now, and I thought I could be a literacy coach? WTF is wrong with me?
I'd really like to go home and crawl in bed. Stay there for a very, very long time. Maybe never come out of it. Instead, I'm here, trying to figure out a change request for a the construction of a railroad.
Evening Update
Feel free to peruse this morning's brush with terror.
I think that Cob has dislocated the first joint of my left index finger. *sigh* She was outside doing her business this evening, and two neighborhood kids wanted to come play with her. She was pretty good about it...she ran to meet them, but when I called her back, she ran right to the porch. They wanted to pet her, so when she ran back to me, I managed to catch one of the links in her collar with my index finger. Broke my lovely long fingernail at the quick, and that joint of my finger is now killing me. All swollen and red. Gross, gross, gross.
A bunch of my girlie friends are getting together tonight for drinks, but I'm going to stay home. Not feeling all that much like getting out. Still. And I have to save my money for Saturday.
I'm thinking about taking my mushroom camp chair to Jazzfest so that the camelbak can be hidden in the bottom (filled water because it's going to be hella expensive there) as well as a bottle of rum to be added to the mango freezes. You'd think that they'd be selling booze at Jazzfest, but the only thing they have that isn't beer is the Southern Comfort tent which sells weak knock-off hurricanes and daiquiris.
Just came to a realization right this minute. Looks like I'm going to have to go back out to Darrin's Fish Camp, maybe tomorrow night.
I get the feeling that one of these days, I'm going to look back on this stage of my life and not recognize who I was. I keep hoping that I'm going to figure my way out of this morass. This can't be my life; this can't be all there is. It's depressing enough to think that even temporarily this is what every day is supposed to be. If I believed that until eternity, this was it, I think I'd sail right off into the abyss. This cannot be it. It cannot.
Sometimes, though, it's very hard to remember that. When you're alone in the dark, it's hard to find the light. Kinda like when I was very little and we'd just moved into the green house. The door to the bedroom was closed, those heavy drapes were over the window, the light was off. It was black as sin in that room...couldn't see your hand in front of your face dark. I was disoriented and couldn't find the door, couldn't find the light switch. I stumbled around the room, hands in front of me, finding nothing. Somehow I found my way into the closet, at first thinking it was the door, but I got turned around and couldn't get out. I'm not going to tell the rest of that story, but that's what it's like. Like I'm crashing into things in the pitch, no idea how to get out, unable to find the light.
And this just can't be it.
Stumbled across this article in the Washington Post, and it gives me pause. I have a myspace page, and I looked at in the light of what potential employers might thing. I have a couple of questionable blog entries, and there are some pictures of some of my friends that are questionable (because of alcohol...not because of explicitness). My myspace page is private, so I don't know that I really worry about it. The flipside of all of that is that this space exists. My pictures are OK, but if someone were to go reading through the last five years of my life...well. That becomes a different story all together, doesn't it?
Got an email from my chair asking about my progress on my dissertation because it's the end of the semester. *sigh* I'm dreading sending the reply that says, "I had good intentions, but I didn't do jackshit this semester. Just like the previous semesters."
I think I am sufficiently depressed for the evening. If gas weren't so expensive, I'd go for a drive. Not exactly sure what to do instead. I've upset myself. Don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight, and I have to go to work tomorrow. There's a ton of stuff to get done.
If you have my tupperware or my pyrex, I need it back. I'm running out of things to put things in and for some reason, I have a need for things to put stuff in.
Afternoon Update
This morning's pornographic dream.
I look super cute today. It almost didn't happen, though. I almost left this frock on the floor, which is where it landed after I yanked it off in a near fit of terror.
I'm wearing the long brown linen dress today. I haven't worn it in years. Probably not since the spring of 2004. I don't like dresses. I don't think I look all that good in them, but every now and again, an inspiration strikes me. This morning's inspiration is due to the fact that I spent entirely too long thinking about sex and didn't have any time to iron something work-appropriate. *sigh* It's the price you pay.
Now, this dress has been hanging in the very back of my closet since I moved into this gross little house. I'm not entirely sure why I brought it with me when I moved, and I don't know how it's managed to survive the periodic closet purges in the intervening years. For whatever reason, though, it has. Probably because something in the back of my mind told me that I was going to look for it some frazzled morning. Like this morning.
When I took the dress off the hanger, I heard some odd noise that I didn't think a whole lot about. I was in a hurry, and I didn't even know if the stupid thing was going to fit. It's been awhile since I put it on and a lot of the other dresses hanging out in my closet no longer fit. Vaguely recalling how difficult it was for me to zip the thing up the back, I decided to just try to pull the dress on over my head.
Lo and behold...it FIT!!! and it looked CUTE!!! Yay me! Wardrobe problem for the day solved!!!
And then I noticed that there was something itching in the middle of my back. Figuring it was the tag or something, I whipped the dress back over my head...only to see one of those gross, disgusting wood roaches go sailing over my head with the dress. Moment of major freak-out right there. Looked at the dried, dead thing resting on the floor and then realized what that odd, kinda crackling noise was earlier. It was the wings of said gross, disgusting wood roach coming off and landing on the pillow that was on the floor.
I managed to get myself together and save the morning. The dress is on my body, I am at work, and I'm super cute. Dangit!
Morning Update
Last night's meanderings about nothing.
I woke up this morning dreaming about sex. *sigh* It was really good sex, too. Not the comfy, familar sex that I was dreaming about the last time I woke up similarly happy. It wasn't kinky or anything, but it was pretty damn hot. *sigh* It would be fun to actually do that with someone soon.
I know why I was dreaming about sex this morning. Perfect storm kinda thing if you will. I miss sex. *pout*
The dog did not bark all night long. I put her in the bed with me, and she took her spot right there at the end of it. During the night she stretches out a bit and winds up taking the bottom third of the bed. Which is OK. I just push her back down to where she belongs. I'm sure she wonders what the hell is going on, but whatever. The reactions of the cats are interesting after the dog spends a night in the bed. Peach is just about frantic by the time she gets to come visit. She was very vocal this morning, which is annoying in and of itself.
Really thinking about not going to work. I need to get payroll done so the checks are ready for Thursday, but. Maybe tomorrow I'll be lazy and stay in bed, although today would really be the better day, given the dream this morning.
Evening Update
All the news that's fit to print...from this morning.
Am slightly impaired. Didn't mean to, but I went out to Beth and Mark's to see her new car (more about that in a minute). It's hard to say no to Beth. So I didn't. It was a happy impairment, though. At least until I got home. It has started to fade.
Last Saturday Mark bought Beth a new car. It's a Cadalliac CTS. The one from the commercial that says "the real question is...when you turn your car on, does it return the favor?" BEAUTIFUL car. Not my type, but it's lovely. She let me drive it, and it was smooth. It sorta returns the favor. Right when you hit 60, there's a...digging in...and you kinda go, yeah. *grin*
Think we got the HB in some trouble with his fiance. She's decided that they're going to get married in Cabo san Lucas on May 17. Just tonight. They're getting married. When they told Beth that, her response was to tell Will to remember that his daddy told him that he was going to have to start paying his own car insurance on June 1. Apparently the HB forgot to tell his fiance that he hadn't been paying his car insurance this year. She was a little on the pissed side.
On another note, the HB totatlly did not look like he wanted to get married, and in fact, he was saying, September, what about September? I'm willing to bet that he's going to be married in three weeks. I don't quite get that. If that's not what you want, why would you do it?
(they are also having problems with the house they just bought. Apparently she didn't insist on a home inspection before closing. The roof is leaking. They've had termites. They've had to have someone out twice to work on the AC)
Anyway. I have something that I'd like to say to someone, but since I know it's not going to matter anyway, I'm going to keep it to my impaired self. *sigh*
Morning Update
Tortured wonderings from yesterday.
The dog barked most of the night last night. The neighbor was on the porch, and Cob was all over it, trying to be protective. It was sweet of her and all, but I'd rather have stayed asleep.
I don't want to go to work.
I read that I'm supposed to be careful about not pushing the self-destruct button. I'm afraid it could be just a touch too late for that. Pretty sure that I've been pushing the self-destruct button all weekend.
I knew I should have stayed home today. There was a reason I was feeling like being at home was a good idea. Did I listen to my intuition? No. Of course not. Dammit.
The power here at work is half on and half off. Something about a transformer, blah, blah, blah, I don't care. No lights. No computer. No air conditioning. Nothing to do. I've already filed my nails. I could do payroll, I suppose, but that's about it.
I'd much rather be at the house, snuggled up in my bed. Preferably with someone (if only the boy had offered sooner, I could have been. His house, his bed. Six of one, half a dozen of another. DAMMIT. He can feel free to come crawl into my bed any time. I'll leave the door unlocked. Cob will deter anyone else. ). Barring that, by myself with a dog or a cat at my feet would be just fine. It's cool and cloudy outside, which means it's perfect weather for staying in bed. Lots of weather is perfect for staying bed I know. This just happens to be one stellar example.
The power is now on, in case you were wondering...
I don't think I'm going to bea licensed Georgia educator. At least not in mathematics. I took a look at the basic test I'd have to pass, and I doubt I could pass it. The easy algebra stuff, yes. The basic geometry stuff, yes. But not the trigonometry and the more advanced proof stuff. Maybe if I studied, it would come back to me, but I'm not all that interested in putting forth that kind of effort. I think it's a sign. If I didn't know before now that Georgia wasn't the place for me, I think it's getting clearer now.
So that means my hopes are now resting on New Orleans. I called and left a message there this morning. Not sure what else I can do at this point. How exactly do you follow up on something like that?
Evening Update
Find yesterday's stuff here.
It's raining. Not violent Mississippi thunderstorm rain. Just heavy rain. I feel like going outside and walking in it. Or just standing in it. Or something. The neighbors already think I'm a little on the crotchety side, nutty shouldn't matter too much, should it?
There's been tons written about the cleansing power of the rain, washing the Earth, creating rebirth. I can't begin to compete with all of that, but maybe that rain would have the same effect on me. Wash all of this turmoil and angst and despair away.
I feel increasingly lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing or what the plan is supposed to be. Last night I thought, "I just want to go home". The problem is that there's no where that is home. It's not here. It's not in Missouri. It's not in Nevada. I don't have a place where I belong. Sucks. I want to go home.
I was told tonight by some shitbag that he begins to understand why I'm single. Look fucker, I didn't ask for your damn attention, and I'm completely uninterested in the whole let-me-pick-on-you style of courtship. It doesn't do jack for me, and right now, the last thing I'm looking to do is play stupid games with another stupid boy.
Dinner is almost ready. BBQ pork, cole slaw, corn on the cob, and beer. Sounds good to me. I think I got the dressing for the cole slaw a little sweet. Salt should help. I bought blackberries at the grocery store yesterday. Those will be a nice dessert.
Late Evening Update
I did some teaching updates earlier in the day. Nothing totally inspired, but for the teachers in the crowd, it could be helpful.
The big news of the day is that I've added an RSS feed to my site. It wasn't as hard as lots of places made it seem like it would be. The question now becomes if I'm going to remember to update it all the time. It's not an automatic process. I'm sure that it could be, but I'm not that smart or technically proficient. I don't know how many of you out there use an RSS reader, but if you do, my feed is here. Or you can find it at the bottom of this page. Or by clicking on the icon...
Now if I could just figure out how to add an flavicon, all would be well. It's been hard for me to figure out how to do that, and I thus far haven't been willing to ask for help because I don't really care enough.
Hope y'all are well in Reno. Just read about your earthquakes. Ughh. I don't remember the first earthquake I felt, but I do remember the one that happened when I was at Nationwide. I was on the second floor and the whole building just swayed. It's kind of difficult to describe that feeling. You're standing still, but you're moving.
I'm making carnitas to take to a friend's tomorrow night. She had a hysterectomy on Thursday. Apparently that's what we do down here. We take a covered-dish. Except I'm taking the carnitas, the sour cream, the tortillas, the cheese, the black beans, and the rice. I could use some Tupperware to carry all this stuff around. I was going to make carnitas for myself, but instead, I've decided that lunch and dinner next week will BBQ pork. Gonna make some coleslaw to go with it.
Got a text message from the PSB this evening saying that he wasn't going to be able to make it tonight. I don't remember that being part of the plan. I know we talked last night for awhile, but I don't remember anything about him coming to visit. I had a few cocktails last night, but I was not that intoxicated.
I've actually been thinking about him, and to some extent all of the boys in my life, since I read "I Wasted Two Years on a Man I Never Met" in May's Marie Claire. *sigh* While my problem isn't the same as the author's, I have long been asking myself what the heck I'm doing...and what I'm getting out of things. I am a fairly generous person. I think part of my nature is to be a nurturer. There's a line in a Neil Finn song about one who's kindness leaves you without debt, and that's what I strive for. I don't give because I want in return. Most of the time I'm happy as a solitary creature. But there are times. It's like I told the boy...I need a little reinforcement.
I can feel myself isolating. I respond to calls and text messages because that's the right thing to do. (we know how I feel about such things) But I don't really want to. I have emails I need to send to check in with people, but I don't want to. So I haven't. I feel a little guilty about that. But it doesn't change that I'm doing this cut-off thing. I get tired of reaching out, reaching out, reaching out and being left with a handful of nothing. I don't know how many more times I can reach out...each rejection is like a humiliation. Cuts to the core.
I think I'm going to make a chicken salad sandwich or something along those lines, fix a cocktail, grab a book, and pop a movie in the dvd player. Sweet Home Alabama is on USA, but I don't really like those chick-flick movies like that (watched 13 Going on 30 last night and really wanted that hour and a half of my life back).
Watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Probably not what I should be watching right now.
Random thought...you might have a drinking problem if you finish a fifth of gin in one weekend. By yourself. I don't drink much during the week...and most weekends it's a cocktail or two. But there are times when I drink a lot. Usually when I'm feeling disconnected.
Evening Update
I've spent a little time today updating some of my teaching pages. Since I've been out of the classroom and not using them, I hadn't noticed that many links were broken. Not anymore, hopefully. I went through and checked most of them, but if you happen to click on one and it doesn't take you where it's supposed to, please let me know.
It was good to be looking through some of that stuff and thinking about teaching this afternoon. I do miss it. Beth keeps telling me that I need to go back to classroom. I don't know if I need to be back in the classroom or not but I do think that I need to be back in education in some way or another.
I don't know if I fit well in the classroom; I don't know if I ever did. It was very constraining to be in the classroom, with people telling you what to teach and when to teach it and how to teach it. It was very difficult for me to conform to that...and I think in a lot of ways it's always been difficult for me to conform. There's a bit of a rebel spirit in me.
At any rate. Hope it's updated well. Not that many of you here will care about the teaching aspects of this page because you don't come here for that. Those of you that do, hope it's helpful.
Morning Update
Did not sleep well again last night. Am not happy this morning. It's Friday and I should be happy. But right now, I feel like putting my head under the pillow and forgetting about the world. Thinking about a little leave of absence. Maybe.
Haven't heard from Lora. Don't know if I'm going to the coast tomorrow or not. Might be better if I don't. Gas is expensive ($3.55/gallon as of last night), and right now, I'm tempted to cut all of my hair off. Like super short cut all of my hair off. The problem with that is that I have a fat head. Really short hair wouldn't look all that good I don't think. But I'm tempted. It's just hair. It'll grow back.
My horoscope says that this weekend is all about healing energy and that I'm supposed to be reaching out to those around me who need to be soothed. I don't feel like it. I'm tired of reaching out without reciprocation. I think that's all there is to say about it.
Late Evening Update
So, that cocktail was a whole lot of rum, but I'm not asleep. My dog is looking at me like, really? REALLY? Can you not take yourself off to bed so I can either go with you or make myself comfy in my crate? Please?
I'm going to fix another cocktail and try it again. *sigh* I have ambien, but I would have needed to take it four hours ago for it to be helpful.
Early Evening Update
I actually wrote more this afternoon, but I forgot to save it. You can see what I did manage to get done here.
I almost head a heart attack this afternoon when I just about got plowed by an HPD officer. I was turning left from 40th on to westbound Hardy/98, first in the line, and as I came around the four lanes of traffic, he apparently put his lights and sirens on and moved out of the left turn lane that he was in. Scared the hell out of me.
Jaycee meeting. Back in a moment.
I am really starving for some reason. I have dinner making right this minute. No idea how it's going to turn out. I should have just done biscuits and gravy. I have the stuff to make that, but I decided that wasn't a good idea for some reason. Too much work maybe.
Dinner wasn't half bad. I think the peas had been in the freezer a little long cuz they're on the hard side, and they cooked for about an hour. Hmmm. That's OK. Not bad for on the fly. I think maybe the corn on the cob was the best part of it. I can't wait for summer and fresh corn on the cob. I'm a dork, I know, but that's what I like.
I am continually reminded how short of the mark I fall. Often it happens when I find myself feeling a tad judgemental about the things other people say or do...and then I realize that I'm the same way. Just about different things. But my different things don't make me any better than they are. Maybe just a better liar.
Yeah, I feel an emotional melt-down coming on, so I'm going to have a mostly rum and a little coke and then try to go to bed.
Morning Update
I was going to say that I didn't really write a lot yesterday, but in looking through it again this morning, it appears that maybe I did. Not much of it worth anything, but you get what you pay for.
I am not well-rested this morning. I couldn't get to sleep last night. Tossed and turned until about midnight. I committed the cardinal sin of not getting out of the bed and reading or something. I just laid there and hoped that I was going to fall asleep, but it didn't happen. And then I was wide awake at 3:30. Must have laid there again for about an hour before I drifted back off. Not quite sure how I'm going to make it through this day.
I shaved the bottom half of my legs. I'm thinking about wearing a skirt today. If I'm going to do it, then I'm going to have to get going. Ughhh. Why didn't I plan this last night when I was unable to sleep?
Afternoon Update
Surprisingly, the morning has flown by. I've been trying to put together a bid form so that contractor's clearly understand exactly what is being asked of them. I'm not entirely sure that is possible, given the fiasco that was our last bid opening. At any rate, it makes my head hurt. Apparently both of the bosses will be gone much of the afternoon. Yay!
Anyone besides me see this article today? I see this only as a bad thing if folks don't use it as the "teachable moment" that the article talks about. The problem comes in if it's allowed to stand and the teacher doesn't have that conversation with students about how we speak and write differently in different situations. In all honesty, such things don't bother me a whole heckuva lot. Maybe they should, but I figure that as long as the student is writing, there's a way to help them be better writers. If using some text-speak is the vehicle that drives it, then that's OK by me.
Evening Update
Very little writing today because the internet was down at work most of the day (it's supposed to be getting fixed tomorrow), but what I did can be found in the regular place.
I sketched out both of Shan's idea for her tattoo this afternoon. I like both of them. It was surprisingly not as difficult as I thought it might be. Then again, I'm not sure why I thought it would be difficult. It's just basically a letter. I should have brought it home with me so I could work on the color. Oh well. Tomorrow I guess. That means I have time to work on something for myself. I don't know if I'm going to do it or not.
The neighbor's daughter is very precocious. She was bossing two older kids around. (the older kids are from the neighborhood. I've seen them before) I suppose I should be friendly, but I really don't feel much like it.
I need to clean the litterbox. Like really clean the litterbox. I don't know if I want to do that right this minute. Tomorrow. Or at least after the children go away.
Cari's husband has been hired with Aurora Police. Guess he graduates from the academy on May 15th. Good for him. Honestly...I still can't picture it. I've known a lot of cops, but Tim doesn't fit my image of any of them. Even as goofy and odd as some of them are. That's OK, though. He'll find his way, and hopefully he's growing into the man that his family needs him to be.
OK. I cleaned the litterbox. I couldn't take it anymore. In addition to cleaning the litterbox, I did some vacuuming in the spare bedroom, where the litterbox is located. One day soon I'll be writing an epistle about the day spent at the laundromat (washateria?) because the spare bedroom is covered in cat hair. All of the bedding has got to be washed. Ugh. It's a year of cat hair in there. God almighty.
I'm exhausted. I wish that A&B was still open so I could go get some hot and sour soup. That is what sounds really good to me right now. Not sure what I'm going to do instead.
I don't think the puppy and I are going camping this weekend. There's apparently a really good chance of rain. I don't know about you, but spending time in a tent with a wet dog does not sound like my definition of a good time. I think instead, I'm going to Ocean Springs I'm going to get my hair did. It's time. Actually, next weekend will be time, but I'll be at Jazzfest next weekend. Sit on the beach for a little while. Then go to the Shed for some ribs.
So, I sort of know this girl who is pregnant. She's an acquaintance, not a friend. Listening to her talk about her pregnancy makes me wonder how far into the abyss we've gone. She's currently talking about renting a fetal dopplar stethoscope so that she can reassure herself that the baby is still well and fine (she's very newly pregnant). How did women ever have babies back in the day? Seriously? How did they manage to birth us without going insane because they didn't know every single little thing there was to know about their developing babies? Granted, I've never been pregnant, and will probably never be, but good grief. How much is too much? How much is enough? How much craziness have we created that we absolutely don't have to? I mean...we've been having babies for a really, really long time. And yes, it's good that technology advances, but just because we can...does that mean we should?
I think I'm going to bed. So tired.
Morning Update
I didn't wonder last night; I went to bed. Feeling a bit on the run-over by a truck side.
Was listening to Hillary Clinton again this morning, and I am again disgusted. She was talking this morning about how it's not wrong for the super-delegates to over-turn the popular vote. We all know that if the situation were reversed, there would be another story coming out of her mouth. Hypocrisy. *sigh* It's OK. She's just making herself look desperate and foolish. It'll be over on June 4 when the party tells her to go on home.
OK. Gotta go to work. More later. I'm sure.
This is that queasiness that I had a couple of months ago. Hate this. Really felt like a lovely mocha or latte, but I have this new rule...I can only spend money on "food" once a day, which is usually at lunch because that's easier. So. Since I'm probably going to eat something for lunch, that means breakfast, even if it was just a cup of coffee, had to be at home. So, no coffee for me this morning. Just some gross vanilla chai tea that I had here at the office. *sigh*
Speaking of the puppy, I let her sleep in the bed with me last night. Again. Neighbors still moving in. I also feel a little bad because she spends a lot of time in her crate. She likes her crate...goes into it easily...but still. She's in it all day while I'm at work, out while I'm at home, and then back in it all night while we sleep. *sigh* The problem becomes, though, my poor kitties are neglected then. The only time they come around me is at night when they get to sleep in the bed with me, free from fear of the dog. Being a parent is hard work. *sigh*
Evening Update
All of the wonderings that I've done this morning can be found here. I dinna ken if I'm going to do an update tonight because right now, I feel like I'm going to vomit and my head is pounding. I think that maybe I'm going to turn the AC on and the dog and I are going to lay down for awhile. Yak at you later. Maybe.
Morning Update
Yesterday's stuff is here, and that means that today's stuff will be HERE. (You may want to check yesterday's ramble because I wrote up until the time I went to bed around 9:00.
Listening to Hillary Clinton on Good Morning America. The more she talks, the more I can't stand her. Was not this...hostile?...to her when this whole thing first started, but the more I hear her talk, the more I hear Bill talk, the more I think, Just Shut Up. Please. Now. Shut Up.
I'm supposedly in the mood for romance today (duh, how long has it been?) and will be super flirty. I'm not sure I'm feeling *that*. I might want it, but I don't know willing I am to work for it. Would hate terribly to be disappointed. Again.
I left my cellphone at home this morning. I suppose that is OK because it's not like it rings off the hook anyway. Isn't that a funny saying these days when very few of us have phones that require "hooks" anymore? At any rate, my phone is at home. If you sent me a text message, then I'm sorry, but I'll grab the phone when I go home for lunch. And respond to you then. Don't want anyone to think that I'm ignoring them because y'all know how much I personally hate that. (Think maybe we've been over it a few times before).
There's a tricycle on the front porch. The neighbors were moving in late last night. They still haven't turned the power on, so I'm not exactly sure how that's working. I put Cob in the bed with me because I didn't want her barking all night long. She's a good dog and started out at the bottom of the, parallel to the footboard. Sometime in the night she got herself perpendicular to the footboard, but that was OK...I tend to stay on one side of the bed anyway. Or if I'm going to take up the entire bed, I tend to do it stretched across the bed, near the top.
Read this article last night in the Washington Post. How many of you have facebook or myspace pages? I have a myspace page (and no, I'm not telling you what it is. Some of you already know, but like the article talks about, I sometimes like to keep some of the parts of my life a little separate. Besides, my page is set to private). I have 29 friends after a bit of purging this morning. There were some people on there that I haven't talked to in forever, and I just thought, why? Same with a couple of the bands or whatnot. I didn't really feel bad about deleting folks. Should I, I wonder?
Afternoon Update
For some stupid reason, I've been sucked into looking at wedding dresses this afternoon. Why am I looking at wedding dresses? *sigh* Most of them that I saw were appalling. For some reason wedding dress has become synonymous with "strapless dress". I don't quite understand that trend. The ones I liked the best of what I saw were by Badgley Mischka and Reem Acra, which is not nearly as strange as the pics I was looking at earlier. All things considered, I'd have to say that I'm still liking the wedding dress I picked out over a decade ago. Not that I'll ever wear one. I'm just saying.
It seems that lots of folks have some serious dental funk going on right now. One of the baby engineers was up here earlier talking to me, and I thought I was going to fall over. One of my bosses has consistently had a problem. It reminds me of that episode of Flavor of Love. In addition to worrying about cavities, I worry about bad breath. I know that my labret piercing every now and again can get funky. I've officially made myself paranoid. Will be going home and hitting the Listerine and floss.
I went to Caliente Grill for lunch today. Good stuff, but a little pricey for lunch, considering I'm generally spending right around $5 at A&B Discount Grocery. As usual, I got the quesadilla. I'm not much on burritos or tacos. Never have been. I watched the girl put like a pound of cheese on my lunch. When she put one handful on there, I thought, that's a lot of cheese. And then she put another one on there. And then a little dab to finish it all off. I thought momentarily about asking her to take some of it off, but it had already been mashed into the salsa and sour cream. I won't be needing to have anything other than the dreaded cornbread for dinner since I'm so full of cheese. Good cheese, but cheese nonetheless. They forgot to give me my sopapilla, but that's OK. I didn't need it because of all the cheese. *grin*
I've been typing away because there's been nothing to do this afternoon...and the internet has been down at work. If it doesn't come up before time to go home, I'm going to be *pissed*. Not that anything here is really worth saving, but it's the principle of the thing.
The trip to Colorado is shaping up. It looks like when I get in on the 17th, we'll head downtown to have some drinks and then over to the stadium for the ball game. After that, it's home to Loveland. Sunday, we're doing a "moderate" hike in Rocky Mountain National Park. Eric said he thinks it's like 1,000 feet of elevation change and about four miles. I can do that. I will turn blood red from exertion, but I can do that. (Just have to figure out how to manage to pack my camelbak. I'm only taking a carry-on and my laptop bag. Actually, I guess that's who I'll do it. Instead of the sleek black laptop bag, I'll take the rolly red laptop bag which holds more than the sleek black one. As is, I'm not bringing any hair products or the hair dryer...gonna have to use Shan's) We'll have lunch in Estes Park and wander around the shops. last time I was in Estes, I almost bought a pretty shiny ring. I'm poor this time, so no danger there. Then on Monday, it looks like Shan and I will head to Denver to the art museum. One of the exhibits features the quilts from Gee Bend, AL. (Sorry Sner...I'll buy you a postcard). We'll stay with Meta and Perry in Denver Monday since my flight leaves at 6:30 on Tuesday morning.
Evening Update
I wondered a lot today. Sorry. More later.
The boy's dentist appointment went OK. Poor guy. I hate the dentist too. I need to go get my teeth cleaned again. It's been a year and a half. I'm scared, though, of what they'll tell me. I know I was scared last time, and it was all for naught. I have genetically bad teeth, though. I can't keep getting by on my good looks and luck.
Took a babeland survey this evening. All about your sexual habits. There was a whole big thing on there about anal sex. Several pages of the survey in fact. Odd. Not that there's anything wrong with anal sex. It's not my favorite thing in the world, but I know it floats lots of peoples' boats, so whatever.
I didn't get a chance to call New Orleans today. My bosses were hanging around this afternoon, and I didn't rightly know how to make a call about a possible job when they could hear me doing it. I think they're in meetings in the morning, so I'll do it then.
My letter from Georgia hasn't arrived yet.
The new neighbor or the person helping her move in is a smoker. I can smell it coming through the walls. Gross. Jessica was a smoker, but she never smoked in the house. Always came outside to smoke. Guess I'll have to remember to light candles. And blow them out.
I'm having Mexican cornbread for dinner again tonight...and I'll be having it again tomorrow. Ughhh. I was searching through the freezer for something, anything, to avoid the cornbread, and the best I could come up with was field peas and snaps. I have some andouille sausage in the fridge. It could have worked. I think. I just didn't feel like going to the trouble of doing it. Maybe tomorrow at lunch I'll come home and put that stuff in the crock pot. Or maybe I'll take a pork chop out of the freezer and have that ready for tomorrow night. I really don't know if I can eat cornbread again.
I don't think I'm going to be able to stay up much longer. So very tired. Maybe ice cream will help.
Morning Update
The weekend's wonderings can be found here, although I warn you now, you didn't really miss much. icouldn't find a whole heckuva lot to say this weekend, which is probably good because I've been saying a lot of nothing lately.
Stuff to do today, the number one priority being checking with New Orleans to see what the next steps there are. *sigh* I got online last night and looked at the progress for my Georgia certificate, and while a letter should be here today, I get the feeling from what I read that the only way I'll get a teaching license there is if I get a job. They're kinda picky over there apparently. There's a ton of hoops that they want you to jump through. Kind of annoying.
It looks like the boy was up pretty late last night. Poor guy. Not being able to sleep really is awful.
I gotta get moving. More later.
Read this article in the Hattiesburg American this morning, and I have to wonder why there aren't more programs like this hanging around. I'm not totally sure about legalizing drugs. One part of me thinks that if people want to screw up their lives in the abyss of addiction, that should be their prerogative. What some folks do to feed that addiction is problematic, though. In the meantime, though, I'm not sure what good jail does for a lot of people who are caught with drugs. If they're stuck in that spiral that is addiction, how is going to jail going to help you get your life back on track? It seems like once you've been to jail, then you've got a whole different problem to deal with. On top of the drugs.
I have to admit that I don't understand addiction. It's not a factor in my life, and I hope that it never is. I like to be a little too controlled to let something else take over. Hence the reason that the case of wine I bought back in December is only half gone, and the beer I brought home in November is still mostly in the fridge. I can't help but think that punishment isn't the best way to deal with addiction.
Did a little reading this morning about Eleanor, Franklin, and Lucy. First, I'm totally floored that a woman would set as a condition of her marriage that her husband never again share her bed. Is that true? Did Eleanor Roosevelt really do that? Never sleep with her husband again? I know that there is evidence to suggest that Eleanor was at the very least bisexual and had a long-term, loving relationship with another woman, but telling your husband that he can never share your bed again seems a bit...much. Kinda like cutting off your nose to spite your face, and along the same lines of punishing your partner because you're upset with them. (those women who say things like...oh he's not going to get any tonight because...)
And the relationship between Lucy and Franklin...people talk about affairs and how they're not "real" relationships, but I'm not sure how much realer it gets. Laundry and paying bills and taking care of kids don't necessarily make a relationship "real", I don't think. It's the shared emotions and experiences (regardless of what those experiences are) that make a relationship "real" I think. There are all sorts of things that bind folks together, not the least of which the the prosaic nature of every day life. I'm not sure where exactly I'm going with these thoughts, but it probably doesn't help that I got more messages from Coach last night. He remains excited and overjoyed at the possibility of my coming to Atlanta. I remain ambivalent, if not openly hostile, to it.
Afternoon Update
I am so tired right this minute. Just a little 15 minute nap would do me wonders. I swear. Instead, I'm stuck here at the ranch for another two hours. I'm sure I'll make it, but it's going to be a rough, near thing. It doesn't help that our internet keeps going out. Not sure what is wrong with it, but it is very, very annoying. I don't have to be online all day, but I get cranky when there's no distracting noise, i.e., the Sirius satellite radio which works through the internet connection. I need just a little noise. I couldn't teach in silence either. Hold over from childhood I suppose. Ugh.
Came across this quote in the NYT today and have been pondering it every since. "There’s nothing easier than being a woman alone in the world. People are so protective." I'm not so sure that's the truth. It could be my paranoia coming into play, but I don't know that people are so protective. Perhaps I have not given them the chance to be protective, but I don't know if doing so would be a smart move on a single female's part. In thinking about it, though, there have only been a couple of times that I've been very uncomfortable when out by myself. Speaking of being out by myself, I think I'm going camping this weekend. Which means that I need to get myself out to find a new air mattress. Since mine apparently has a problem. Wonder what they have at the Dirt Cheap?
Hello. It has been an exceptionally lazy day here in my home. I slept in this morning because I indulged last night. Had to let Cob out some time around 6:30, and then I went back to bed until around 10:30.
Puppy and I went to the dog park for a little while. Maybe only about 45 minutes or so. She was the only doggie there, so it's not as fun. She sniffed every blade of grass she could find, but there was no real running and playing like a freedog. The water wasn't turned on, which is why we didn't stay longer. I had the dog bowl in the car, but alas...thwarted.
Took a nap this afternoon. Seemed like a good thing at the time, but now I'm feeling all fuzzy. Not that feeling fuzzy is altogether a bad thing. Good thing I wasn't planning on anything important today.
I'm having left-overs for dinner again. *sigh* More Mexican cornbread. I hate left-overs. I just don't know how to avoid them when you live by yourself. The cornbread will be finished tomorrow. And then Tuesday I'll make black bean soup. That I'll be eating for a week. Ughh. Kills me.
The boy said he was feeling a bit better today. I hope so.
I need to work on that cover letter for Michigan. And I need to finish my application with Petal. I also need to make some contacts about letters of recommendation. *sigh*
The new neighbor has been doing some moving in this evening. Which makes my puppy bark. She's doing the whole I'm-a-protective-dog, which is sweet, I guess. It is annoying when the bark reverberates throughout the house. It's a small place; she echoes a little bit.
I took my piercing out last night. It hurt. I now totally feel unbalanced. I have 9 piercings instead of 10 now, and there's one on the right side but nothing on the left. The hole has already closed. That's the interesting thing about some piercings. My holes in my ears are still open. Even the second one that I haven't worn anything in since god knows when. But if I were to take the piercing out of my tongue, it would start to close in a matter of hours. I can leave my labret piercing out for two days before it starts to close. The one last night started closing the minute I took the piercing out. It really does just boggle my mind that it did this after all this time. I was watching a...video...last night that had some jewelry that I'd like. I think I order what I want, the problem just becomes getting the old jewelry out. Then again, I think I can order the tool to get that done, too.
I'm kinda feeling bad about this wasted day. Think I'm going to take this puppy for a walk around the block. Maybe more later.
OK. Puppy and I are back from our stroll around the block. The honeysuckle in the alley is just incredible. Smells so incredibly good. Which was good because just down the alley there was the smell of something dead. Probably a cat or something. It was a nice thing to be hit with it.
I feel kinda clammy right this minute and like I should go to bed.
My miniature rose is blooming. I haven't planted anything this year, and I let all but my mini rose, the hanging strawberries, and the tropical thing in the kitchen over the winter. I should take myself off to the nursery and see about getting some replacement plants. Maybe a fern to hang on the front porch again (since the one there now is all dry and dead). I kinda feel like...if I'm not going to be here, what's the point?
I guess I'm going to call the RSD tomorrow to see if there's anything else I can do, when I can expect someone to contact me. With the end of the school year coming up, I would think that they'd be ready to start getting things lined out for the next year. *sigh* Have I mentioned how much I'd really like this job? How much I need to make a change?
Anyway. I'm going to bed. See y'all in the morning.
April 19, 2008
Morning Update
I am tired and grouhy. Do not want to be up, but there's not a choice. Have to go to box Angel Food.
Afternoon Update
If I had the room in the freezer, I'd definitely take advantage of Angel Food. If it's available where you are, it's a very, very good thing.
Evening Update
I made soup today for the boy and my friend LK. I hope they enjoyed it. I don't like celery, and I'm not sick, so having those left-overs around here makes no sense. I didn't even try it before I went on my delivery mission.
Spent a couple of hours sitting on the couch and talking to the boy. I miss that. We used to have a good time doing stuff like that, but I can't remember the last time we did. It was comfortable and nice. Too bd he is sick.
I am supposed to be getting intoxicated. It's not holding the appeal that I thought it might. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to do it, but I'm just having a little trouble getting started. I kinda feel like I want to go to Dairy Queen and get a Blizzard. I won't, though. There's ice cream in the freezer. And milk. And chocolate sauce. And chocolate chips. And some other things. Now if I just had a blender, I could make myself a blizzard. *sigh*
As is, I think I'm probably going to just have some left-over Mexican cornbread. It has to be eaten. It's been here since Tuesday. I have to eat it.
And when I get intoxicated enough this evening, I'm going to go ahead and take that piercing out. It's been hurting all day long. It shouldn't be hurting. So. I'm going to take it out. And when I go visit Shan, maybe instead of getting a tattoo (a small something on the inside of my bicep is what I'm thinking right this minute. It could easily change. I probably won't be getting anything done, though. I don't have time to draw out both Shan's tattoo and one for me too), I'll get the piercing re-done. That will be enough time, I think.
I've been watching NCIS all afternoon. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm actually thinking about watching Amalie. I love that movie. Subtitles and all. Cracks me up.
Met a woman from New Orleans today. Mentioned that I'd applied for a job there, and she gave me her phone numbers, said that if I was going to move there, to give her call. If she could help me out, she'd be more than happy to talk to me. I take that as a good sign. I suppose that if I don't hear from them by Wednesday, which will be two weeks, I'll give them a call. I don't know what exactly I'll say, but I feel like I should do something. You know?
There's nothing of interest in the news to talk about. I'm kinda struggling this evening. I feel like I should be talking to y'all about something, but I don't know what it should be.
I mentioned adding an RSS feed to the site, but no one said anything about whether they use a feed reader or not. I'm thinking about going ahead and doing it in the next week. I don't know that anyone will use it, but it's an option for y'all.
I'm gonna be so sick in the morning. *sigh*
I met my new neighbor this afternoon. While I was in the kitchen, picking the chicken--which by the way, I hate because it means that my fingernails were icky--Cobbler started going nuts. When I walked to the door, the neighbor was outside. She said that they're going to start moving some things in this evening. She sid that it was going to be her and her 3 year old daughter Zoe. I know she told me her name, but I can't remember it for the life of me. It was one of those two-name names. She works at Wal-Mart. She said that she was trying to get back on her feet...which is a bit of a red-flag to me. I guess I'll make her some cookies or something, but I don't know that I want her to think that she can come to me to help her solve problems. Not that she would. I would say that she's probably in her mid-20s. She looked so much older, though. Like she's been beaten down by life.
She's a single mother. I'm not sure that there's much harder in this life. I've had one pregnancy scare in my life, and while I was preparing myself to have a child, I'm glad I didn't really have to face that prospect. The boy would have been supportive, I think, but still. Even though I'm educated and smart, and I have the potential to earn $35-70,000/year (depending on where I am), it would have been hard. I have a support network here, but it still would have been hard. It might just be due to the fact that I've switched to whiskey and sprite, but the thought still gives me shivers. A couple of days ago, I talked about parenting. Y'all may want to take a look there.
I feel like baking oatmeal butterscotch pecan cookies. I actually like those. Anyone who knows what the secret ingredient to the WFPBC is, feel like shipping it to me?
Evening Update
For the wonderings from the previous day, check this out.
I've come to the conclusion that my piercing really is rejecting. I came home tonight and got undressed, and I could literally see the curve of the barbell pressing against the skin. The skin has a blue tint because the metal is that close to the skin. I need to take it out and go ahead and let it go on, but I don't want to. I know I can get it redone...and I will, probably...but it sucks right this minute. Why after all this time now? I am sad. Very sad.
Paul Thorn was really good. I didn't really want to go, and while I'm glad that I did, I'm still feeling the need for solitude. I have to be out and about tomorrow morning because of stuff for the Jaycees, and then I need to make some chicken soup for the boy. He's apparently sick with the same crud that most folks have. I'll drop that off for him, and then I'll come home, turn the phone off (hide it perhaps), and crawl inside my head.
It's really the 19th, but I don't feel like quibbling right this moment.
There's something going on with my right arm. It hurts up and down, feels a bit like there are muscle cramps up and down it. I always think that it's due to having slept on it wrong, but I don't know if I slept on my right side last night. Sucks.
Sometimes you think that you're really over something, but then you realize that maybe it's not something that you can truly ever get over. It's something you just learn how to deal with. Had a conversation this evening that wasn't painful or anything like that. It wasn't like picking at a scab that's going to bleed freely again. More like a scar that's still a little tender. I don't know about other folks, but I tend to have those scars that stay awful and red for a long time...the ones that if you were to fall on them, it would break open again. It leaves a little bit of a bad taste in my mouth right now.
Anyway. I should go to bed. The alarm is going to go off way too early. *sigh*
Morning Update
I was quite talkative yesterday, so if you're interested in my wonderings, feel free to click here.
I was slightly impaired last night. I don't usually do that on a school night because it makes getting up and getting going the next morning difficult. While I am moving a little slow this morning, I actually feel better than I have in the last couple of days. Go figure.
Took a really long shower this morning. Feel better. Need to get my hairs did and figure out what I'm going to wear. More later.
Well. I thought I felt better. At least I'm looking cute today. The mail lady said so. I'm thinking that for tonight sojourn to the Reserve in Laurel, I'll do up the rocker chick look with the smokey eyes and whatnot. For dinner we'll all be at a table, but for the shower, since there are 8 of us, Suz and I will have to hang out at the bar. Which doesn't sound like a bad thing to me. Wait. Who's driving me home? Dammit. Guess some self-control will be in order, even though I don't feel much like being in control right now. I have to get up early on Saturday to work the Angel Food distribution thing. So, I guess Saturday gets to be my out of control night.
I actually have that feeling of dread thing going on right now. So. Y'all be careful, please. Wonder if it has anything to do with Eric's grandma. Shan called last night and said that they were taking Joyce off the ventilator. (Joyce is Meta's mother. Meta is the one recently diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer) Whatever it is, I feel like I need to puke. So stay safe everyone.
Afternoon Update
There was just a knock-down-drag-out shouting match in the back of the office. One of the baby engineers and my baby boss going at it. The big boss came out of his office to break it up, reminding them that they were in fact in an office and if they wanted to act like redneck idiots, they could get in their trucks and do it elsewhere. There's a ton of tension left in the place, though, which doesn't make my unease feel any better. Y'all know that when such things happen, I'm likely to be running for a corner to hide in. Not quite possible here.
They gave me a brand new monitor this afternoon. It's an 18" one. I'm way too close to it, and if I don't figure something out, it's going to be miserable. I can already feel the headache coming on.
So, read this article this afternoon and have been thinking about how that applies to what I write here. I've said before that this is my place to work through the things that are rattling around in my head, and that is and remains true. But at the same time, I try to remember that there are other folks reading here. There's a lot that doesn't get said (I'm sure some of you find that shocking, but it's true...there were some very dark thoughts running through my mind this afternoon, but I won't put them out here for y'all to see). There's a reason why they have names like the "hurricane boy" and "coach" and the "psb" and "the boy". Some of y'all may know the names that actually are associated with those pseudonyms, but most of you don't. Because you don't need to. I'm beginning to think that most men really are assholes, and that any effort is wasted effort, but that doesn't mean that they deserve to be drug through the mud...at least not too badly. I mean, y'all can commiserate with me about the fact that the HB hurt me, but as long as you don't know who the the HB is, there's no real harm done. Is there? I'm not quite sure how all that fits with X...cuz almost all of you know all of that. But you knew it before I ever started writing here. "Just because you're hurt doesn't mean you have the right to hurt others."
Evening Update
Not surprisingly there was time for me to wonder about things this morning.
I'm trying to remember all that I needed to do tonight, but the only thing that it is coming to me right now is that I need to go to a Jaycee meeting. More later.
So a disturbing incident at lunch today. Super cute little girl. Maybe two years old, there with her parents. She started to pitch a fit, so they bought her a piece of candy to keep her occupied while they waited for their food to be ready. At that point in time, they sat the little girl on the counter. When she finished her piece of candy, she started in again because her parents had taught her that being a whiny brat gets her what she wants. Except this time, they wouldn't buy her another piece of candy. As she was gearing up, their food came out. Mom grabbed a crab rangoon of the bag with one hand, and then pulled the little girl off the counter with the other hand. Small fuzz hit the floor on her rear, which caused an increase in howling. Mom yanked her up, smacked her on the ass three times, and then drug her out the door, all the while munching on the crab rangoon.
At that point, my food was ready, so I didn't see what exactly happened next. When I walked outside, the dad was in the car, mom had another crab rangoon in her hand, and the small fuzz was sitting on the pavement. Mom then grabbed her by one arm, lifted her off the ground and literally tossed her in the backseat of the car.
I didn't say or do anything, but I don't know exactly what I should have said or done. But I'm bothered by my inaction AND by what they were doing to the poor kid.
Scenes like today make me very nervous about the possibility of ever becoming a parent. Not that I have to worry about that. But I'm pretty sure that most parents don't go into with the intent of becoming trash that abuses their child in public. And I'm sure that those parents love that little girl, but in that moment, they weren't doing what was best for her and they weren't being all that loving. How do you go from loving your child to swinging them around by one arm? Is it because you get so angry that the best you can do is take the anger out on a tiny person? Or is that you don't have better examples of how to parent your child? Are those parents going to later this evening look back on what they did this afternoon and think about ways to do it differently? Or is it just the way it is?
All joking aside, that's why I don't know if I could ever be a parent, even if I were in a situation where it was possible. It's too important, and it's too easy to screw up with the best of intentions.
Suzy is totally down with my plan for her to stay here and watch the kids. That part of the problem is solved. Now things would be perfect if someone wanted to give me a ride to New Orleans and pick me up, but since I don't see that happening, it'll be OK. Long-term parking is only $8/day.
There was an older gentleman in the office today, applying for a job. We don't have anything open right now, but he was there nonetheless. I wanted to take his resume and type it for him. It was all hand-written. His son is the principal at a local high school; I would think that he wouldn't let his dad go out in the world like that, but then again, perhaps he didn't even ask for assistance. He told me stories while he was working on filling out the application because my boss wasn't going to talk to him. The bad part of it was that he had that "old man" smell going on. I can handle the stories (repeated), but the smell was getting to me. I have a somewhat sensitive snozz. Now that smell is stuck in my hair.
That bereft feeling hasn't gotten better. I feel a lot like I'm talking and talking and talking and no one is listening to me. Think I'm going to make a cocktail, have some dinner, and go to bed.
To find what I was thinking about yesterday, click here.
Need to get a shower. Don't want to get moving. Would rather stay home with my puppy today.
Have browsed a couple of disturbing articles this morning, the first of which revolves around "competitive eating." I really don't understand such things. A man in New Orleans at 35 dozen (35 x 12 = 420) oysters in 8 minutes. Criminey. What the hell makes people think that things like that are good ideas? Something to aspire to? It's one of those things that makes you go, hmmmmmm...and not in a good way. (said as I'm contemplating what to have for lunch. *sigh*)
I feel kinda bereft today. Like I really should have stayed in the bed with the puppy this morning. I got a paycheck this morning (with an increase for mileage on it! Yay! Instead of $0.31/mile, I now get reimbursed $0.40. The story of how that happened is long and ugly so I'll not get in to it). I am feeling a need to sound the retreat. Like it doesn't matter what I do, or how hard I try, nothing matters, so why bother? I know it will go away here shortly, but it sucks in the meantime. I just need a tiny bit of reinforcement. You know? Some clue that it's not all a bit waste of my time.
I guess I'm going to book my flight for Colorado. Found a fare last night for $272. Have I mentioned that I hate spending money? Or I should say I hate spending more than say, $10 at a time. If I take the earliest flight out, that would require a stay in New Orleans the night before. New Orleans is cheaper to fly out of than Jackson. I need to see how much long-term parking is going to cost. And I need to figure out who is going to take care of the puppy. And stop by to check on the kitties. Maybe Suzy can just stay at the house while I'm gone. It would give her a little mini-vacation from her moms.
So I booked my flight. Cost me $20 more today than it would have last night. *sigh* Still.
Anyway. It's lunch time.
To find what I was thinking about yesterday, click here.
I'm actually working today. Go figure. I'm really, though, just trying to get a bunch of stuff done today so that I can maybe not be here on Friday. My head is still killing me, and I thought seriously about calling in today. In the end, the urge to be a good employee won out. Apparently several of the ladies who went with me are sick. Like right around half of them. It would be a good excuse.
I have added to the boy's small pressie. He is apparently having troubles sleeping. We all know that I have a life-time of insomnia experience. So. He just needs to come get his pressie. Hear that the boy? Come get pressie, get to sleep. Not a bad deal if you ask me.
Back to the salt mines.
Evening Update
I actually worked all day. First time in forever. Now it means, though, that I won't have a whole heckuva lot to do in the next couple of days.
I'm supposed to have a new neighbor tomorrow. I came home from work to find an extension cord running out of my kitchen window to next door. It kinda freaked me out AND pissed me off. I don't mind if they come into the house because they're supposed to, but it was a shock to find that and not expect it. And further it pisses me off because that's *my* electricity they're using. Granted it's not much, but it's mine. I suppose that it balances out, though because I asked Casey about the outlet in my bedroom, and he said that they should have told me...he spent a day here working on it. Couldn't get power to it, couldn't get power to it, couldn't get power to it. Because it's tied in to the other side of the duplex. Since the power is off over there, my outlets don't work. He can change it out, but I have to request it. I don't know if it's worth that much to me.
Got wind of a position in Michigan. I suppose I'll apply for it, but. It's a one-year only thing. Even if I were to get it, I don't know if I'd want to go to the expense of moving all that way for what could only be a one year thing. I mean...if I move to New Orleans (still no word, but it's only been a week. I'm still visualizing the outcome I want), that's a fairly inexpensive move. Even Atlanta is a fairly inexpensive move. From the very south of the country to the very north in the contiguous 48, that's another story. I guess, though, I'll begin the process of drafting a cover letter and asking folks if they wouldn't mind writing up some letters of recommendation. *sigh* It's all part of the process, isn't it? And I'm supposed to go through the process because it's good for me.
I was gonna wax tonight when I got home from work, but I decided not to because I wasn't sure if Casey would be walking through my house for some reason. So. I didn't start the waxing process, and now I don't know if I care or not. No one is seeing the kitty any time soon, and the only person who has seen the kitty in the intermediary past hasn't said one way or the other what a preference might be.
Anyone watching the debate? I don't know if I'm going to watch the whole thing or not. That might require alcohol, and I just don't know if I'm willing to get that drunk tonight. Why are we still talking about Rev. Wright?
The Supreme Court has upheld the constitutionality of lethal injection as a means for carrying out the death penalty. I don't know that this ruling really means a lot. We can continue to put people to death. Yippee. I think the next ruling...about whether the death penalty is appropriate for pedophiles...will be more significant. I can see that case having the potential for greater impact. I don't hold out hope that the death penalty will be abolished. I've been over it many times before, so I won't get into it again. I just don't think it's enough.
The puppy got into the cat food. It's gonna be ugly later this evening.
Anyway. I think I might go to bed early this evening. I am still in a sour mood.
This morning's wonderings will be found here; more later this evening. Right now I gotta go to the grocery store so there's something in this house to eat this evening.
I am querelous this evening. I spent money at the grocery store (have dinner for this week and most of next), and that makes me grouchy. But I've also been getting messages from Coach all night. He is, understandably I guess, excited about the prospect of me moving to Atlanta. It just fills me with dread. There is so much more to say about it, but I can't. For several reasons. The first one being that I don't need to travel those roads again. I don't need to go through the I-wasn't-good-enough and I'm-not-good-enough dance. I've done it too many times as it is. And the second being that too many people read here, and just because I'm pissed off doesn't mean that I get to hurt other people.
So. I am grouchy. The right side of my head is still killing me. Kinda feel like crying really. I hate this shit. I hate it.
Sitting here with a shot glass filled with a sea salt solution inverted over my nipple is rather awkward. It's apparently helping. Things aren't as painful.
Who lets the ice cream in their freezer get freezer burn? and their spring oreos get soft and stale? I mean, besides me? My sweet tooth is not why I'm fat. *sigh*
Yesterday's wonderings can be found here.
There's not been a lot going on here today. I know that some of you will find that shocking. Others of you will be disappointed that I don't have much to talk about. Give me a few minutes, though, and I'll see what I an do.
Do y'all have your taxes done? It's been interesting here for the last several days. I don't remember there being this much stress last year. This year, though, a new business has been created and the accountant has been here several times. There were a bunch of closed door hush-hush conversations going on. I'm glad, I think, right now that my tax liabilities aren't all that difficult. One of these days I'll have investments and such, but right now, it's easy, and I'm thankful.
My back has been itching since I got to work this morning. It is slowly driving me insane. I've rubbed up against door jambs and the corners of walls. Nothing doing. Finally broke down and went next door and asked Bobby to scratch my back for me. It soothed things for all of about 2 minutes. When he quit scratching, the itching was back...just as an intense.
Did y'all see McCain's plan to stimulate the economy? I'm not exactly sure how all of that works. As far as I understand it, the federal gas tax goes to things like improving infrastructure in the United States. Anyone remember the bridge collapse in Minnesota? I get that times are hard, but it seems to me that cutting those sorts of funds is short-sighted. I also don't know if I understand the logic of trying to create more demand (cutting the gas tax) while at the same time trying to lower demand (stopping purchases for the strategic reserve). We long ago left the realm of supply and demand economics when it comes to the price of gas, but the fact is, if the price gets too high, we need to conserve. Not find a way to wiggle around it. I also don't understand tax cuts. State governments are already experiencing funding shortfalls, scrambling to find ways to pay for education and health care. But we're going to cut taxes? I guess I'm not smart enough to see the way everything is supposed to work out because right this minute, none of it makes sense to me.
I've a terrible headache. Like ice pick through my right eyeball headache. Hoping that it goes away with some lunch. Speaking of which...it's time for me to go run some errands. More later.
Afternoon Update
Talked to Desi for a little while this afternoon. She really is a hoot. Everything comes back to...you should move back to Nevada. LOL! Maybe. I dunno. That doesn't feel like the place I'm meant to be, though. I kinda feel like it had its chance. Just like Mississippi has had its chance. And now it's time to hit the dance floor with some place else. I don't have the kind of attachment to a place that say Shan does to Missouri. I don't miss it when I'm gone. I miss people, and there are a whole lot of people here that I'll miss when I leave, but I don't think I'll miss this place.
Evening Update
As usual, there was stuff discussed this morning. If you're interested, you can find it here.
The dog and I went for a walk when I got home today. When we got to the park, there was a new puppy there. Maybe 8-10 weeks old. Chocolate lab. Cob really, really wanted to play with her. Cob is such a chicken. Here's my big ol' baby letting this teeny, tiny puppy run her. Biting her ears, jumping on her belly. Running away from the puppy when she barked at her. Super sweet. Made me want a puppy. I really do have a great dog.
Speaking of the dog, she's shedding her winter coat. If I thought her shedding was bad before (and it was), it's about ten times worse now. Poor baby.
I just paid my car insurance for the next six months. *sigh* I really hate paying for things like insurance. Most of the time it's nothing I'll ever use, but I have to pay it anyway. It's a little on the irksome side. And how in the hell did I decide that my insurance should be due on tax day? Not that tax day matters to me since mine have been done for awhile now. Planning on my part, eh? I seriously wondered if I should think about changing my coverage this time around since the car is getting older, and I wondered if I should also shop for a new provider, but I didn't get around to it. Remind me in October and I'll see what's going on then...because I just looked and for some reason, my premium is $3.00 more this time than it was last time. Strange. No accidents, no tickets, nothing. Inflation at work?
Read an article today about Bill Cosby and his crusade to improve the situation of blacks in America. Makes some interesting points. Cosby makes some interesting points too. I don't think that things can improve until racism is rooted out. The black community's focus on its problems is certainly an important step, but as far as that goes, so can many of our communities. It's not just the black community suffering from certain ills; those are somewhat across the board, I believe. What makes it worse for the black community is the legacy of systemic and institutionalized racism. So, the black community can get right with itself (and it has to...just like all of us have to), but nothing is really going to change unless and until something is done within the larger fabric of society.
It's cold in this house tonight. I think it's supposed to freeze. Spring just decided to take a short break. It'll be back here shortly, I hope. Guess that makes me happy that I haven't planted anything yet. I need to, though. I think I want to get a fern. And do a couple of big planters. Nothing like I've done in the past. I do, though, need to buy a rake and clean out that front flower bed. It's covered in leaves, and I'm sure that all the dianthus I have planted in there is dead. *sigh*
Still no word for New Orleans. I wonder how long I should wait and what my next step should be. I'm still visualizing the outcome that I want. I know that's supposed to be part of the process.
I saw this article today, too, and had a moment of hope. Breast cancer looms large right now. Talked to Shannie today. She's sounding much better, although there are some moments, which I think are entirely understandable. I have done nothing on her tattoo, and I need to get on with it. *sigh* Apparently Eric's grandmother has been in the hospital and is still in the ICU. Something about a twisted bowel. Meta had radiation in the morning before they flew to Connecticut, and then had it again tonight as soon as they got back. I guess she can only do four days without. How draining. I guess it's a blessing that Meta hasn't been sick yet.
I need to get up early so I can walk the doggie again. I think we're going to start walking morning and night again. That was good for us, even though I might not have necessarily liked it. It made her happy and it made me healthy.
Hillary is taking shots of Crown Royal. Hmmmmmm...yeah, I'm not impressed.
If you're looking for yesterday's wrap-up of the good times that I had in the woods, you can find it here.
I'm having a terrible time staying awake this morning. I think it might have something to do with the lateness of my getting to bed. That wasn't my fault, though. I laid down around a quarter til 11. But couldn't get to sleep because the neighbors were rocking out. I finally got up, got dressed, and went over to ask them to turn it down. I'm now officially the cranky old woman who lives next door. *sigh* I wanted to go to sleep, though. I was tired. As an aside, I don't know that I've ever seen those neighbors before. I've seen the car; it's been there for a couple of years, I think. But those people, I haven't seen. Strange.
Any of you use an RSS feed reader? I'm thinking about adding an RSS feed to the site. That way when I update things, you get an update through your feed reader. I don't know, though, how many folks who browse here use one, though...and honestly, I don't know if I have the technical proficiency to do it. I was doing a little reading last night about it, and it doesn't look that difficult, but those are famous last words, I think.
The puppy was cracking me up this morning. She was suffering from gas (don't know what's up with that...she hasn't had anything different in terms of food, unless she got into some cat food or something at Polly's on Saturday), and every time she farted, she looked around, trying to figure out where the noise was coming from. Then she'd sniff her butt, like she suddenly, magically figured out *that's* where it came from. Puppies with rot-ass are never a good thing, but if they can make you laugh about it, you can almost forget about the stench for just a minute.
Have I mentioned that I'm tired? Barely keeping my eyes open here. Seriously thinking about walking across the street and getting some tea or something. I'm cold too.
Getting ready for a nap, but the pictures from yesterday are up. The story will get fleshed out later this evening.
After-Nap Update
OK. So yesterday. I hauled my sorry self out of bed around 4:30. Left the doggie in her crate because it was too early to feed her and didn't want her to think that she should get used to a 4:30 wake-up. Immediately started burning cds for the trip. Got in the shower and attempted to shave. Even with a new razor, I somehow managed to not get most of the hair off my right leg. And I didn't notice it until we were driving later in the day.
I managed to get the car packed and the doggie in it on time. Dropped by puppy off at Polly's and fed her. Arrived at Amanda's early.
some of y'all know that I have this thing about being on time. I'm a little anal about some things. Being on time is one of them. I might have gotten a little cranky, when folks were trying to set up a group shot with the camera timer. We didn't leave until 7:25. Of course, after a blueberry muffin shot.
There might have been a little mishap as we left the house. About a block away from the house, we might have run off the road and hit a culvert. It was less than five minutes after we had our shot, and it happened because the driver reached down to grab the thermos that was rolling around on the floor. *sigh* The driver got out and ripped the broken part of the bumper off the van, drove in reverse back to her house with the driver's door open, and tossed the evidence over the back fence. As we were traveling down the road, the black plastic stuff under the bumper came flying off. As we were leaving, one of her neighbors came up and asked us if everyone was OK. We kept on moving down the road, even though some guy at the school was staring at us traveling by.
I couldn't figure out how to work the cd player and load more than one cd at a time. That was annoying. However, I did put together some really rockin' tunes. Introduced my girlies to Mumbo Gumbo and Angie Aparo and porterdavis. Now I need to burn some cds for them. They'll be waiting quite a while, won't they? *grin*
It is a long, long drive over to Alexandria. Four hours or so. Coming into Bude and Natchez--over around the new Okissha Lake--the green of the scenery was amazing. There was some gorgeous azaleas and green of the new leaves and grass contrasted with that was breath-taking. I kinda wish that I'd said something at the time and asked to stop so we could take some pictures of it.
There were several moments like that--where if I'd been by myself, the car would have been on the side of the road, and I would have been wandering through a field or some such. Having six other people waiting on you, made me hesitant, although I did actually ask them to turn around so I could take a picture of an abandoned church.
With seven women in the vehicle, there's going to be lots of stops for the potty. All of us trapaising into gas stations, wearing our tiaras, laughing and giggling. There were certainly some strange looks.
When we got into Alexandria, we stopped at Kent House Plantation for the Semi-Annual Herb sale. I wasn't all that interested in buying plants, but Amanda did buy several things. I have to say that if I'd paid to get into Kent House, I would have probably been disappointed. With the Herb Sale, we had free reign of the place, but most of the exhibits and such in the outbuildings were awful and amateurish. I did like the flowers and took lots of pictures of them.
I also bought the boy a pressie while we were there. A $1.66 pressie, but a pressie none-the-less. Probably silly on my part, but I saw it, and I thought it might be helpful...because I know that in the past, such things have been helpful for me. Now I just have to see him to give it to him.
From there it was on to lunch at the primitive camp site, which was where some of us entered the trail. It was a really good lunch. We laid out the blankets, opened the wine, had our repast, and laughed. It was such a good time just chilling and having a good time. Awesome. No one got a dog hair in the pasta salad. Whew.
After lunch, five us of hit the trail, and five us went somewhere else. Applebees? I dunno. Even though I applied sunscreen and bug spray, I managed to fry my shoulders and back--not my face (I was wearing my cowboy hat)--and I got bit by a few mosquitoes. But it was worth it. Ohmigod was it worth it. We were too late to see the azaleas, which was disappointing, but even without that, it was incredible.
Everything was so green! Coming through the seep, with all the water and trees and all of it was almost spiritual. I miss that kind of place. I wish there had been more time. I brought my writer's notebook, but there really wasn't time to stop anywhere and write. It would have been nice to sit on the bridge over the finger on Kincaid Lake, feet hanging over the edge, scribbling.
The trail itself was good. There were a couple of hills, but even those weren't that terrible. I got to the top, and I was a little winded. But it wasn't an awful recovery time. I need to go back so I can do more of it. The trail was fairly deserted. We came across two other people. If I was going by the pedometer on my phone, we did maybe 4-5 miles, and I felt like I could have easily gone another 4-5 and been fine. Water would have been an issue, but that could have easily been handled.
I had a couple of annoyed moments, but I know that I had those because things weren't going according to the plan I had worked out in my head. I have that problem. I think, though, that I had my responses well under control.
After the van picked us up, we went to another park for our "reward". Tina brought some sparkling wine (can't remember the name of it) and chocolate. It was really a lovely way to end that part of the afternoon. I think we totally interrupted a couple at that park. How much would it suck to be getting your romance on and then have group of loud women show up? I might have been a little pissed off, but I don't know that I would have been planning on having sex in a public park in the middle of the afternoon anyway. Maybe a warm-up in the public park, but I'm not the biggest exhibitionist there is. Under normal circumstances.
On the way back, we stopped along side the road so Amanda could dig up some wild irises, but that didn't work so well. They were seriously anchored down in the muck. It took forever to get them out, and she only got one. She broke the shovel she bought at the dollar store and she was covered in mud. Since it was growing in the water, she's not even sure that it's going to make it here, but I hope it does. It's a really pretty iris.
We stopped at a really gross gas station in Jonesville, LA. Tiffany and I were the only ones who got out to make use of the facilities, and it was scary in there. Tiffany went first, and when she was done, I said, "Please don't leave me!" It was that scary. I've stopped at some gross places in my travels, and this ranked right at the top. Apparently while we were in the bathroom, there was some guy in the parking lot staggering all over the place. Had a bag of ice and a case of beer. Literally couldn't walk two straight steps. We watched him awhile and had a laugh, which honestly made me a little uncomfortable. On one hand, it was funny. On the other, it was incredibly sad. Where are the people who care for him and keep him from making an ass of himself when he's in that state? I mean, I've gotten tore up like that, but there were folks around to keep me from embarrassing myself in public.
Final destination was Fat Mama's in Natchez. I forget how small the place is when I haven't been there in awhile. I had the nachos because really...I'm not sure what the big deal about tamales is. They're OK, but there' not on my list of "must-haves" when I go out somewhere to eat. Nachos were a good idea. There were these two lovely ladies from England there at the same time we were. They didn't know what to order, had never heard of tamales. Tried to explain it to them, but I noticed later that they got nachos and chili. Apparently they had been in New Orleans. I don't know exactly how they wound up in Natchez.
The ride home from Natchez was unpleasant in the extreme. My eyeballs were killing me. I always forget that when I'm out like that, even though it's a total pain in the ass, I should wear my glasses and use my prescription sunglasses. My contacts get covered in this film and it makes it really difficult for me to see. Plus, all the pollen had my allergies all in a snit. My head was killing me. For some reason the heat was on in the back of the van. I thought it might have been me because I was so sunburnt. It wasn't. It actually made me feel pretty sick. I do not get car sick. Well...I don't get carsick unless I try to read in a moving vehicle (thank you too many trips on big yellow school buses through winding mountain roads). Last night, though, it was a very near thing. I know some smart-asses in the crowd are thinking that the sickness is from all the alcohol, but really, we spaced things out nicely during the day and didn't wind up intoxicated.
All in all, it was a lovely day. I wish I'd had more time. All of the minor frustrations and aggravations were worth it. Even this sunburn was worth it. I think the dog and I will be going camping here in the very near future. Maybe the weekend of the 25th. I was supposed to go to Jazzfest on the 25th, but my traveling partner is having a hysterectomy on the 24th, so it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I've already asked the bosses if I could have the day off, so I'm thinking that I want to go ahead and use it. Maybe. I dunno.
I'm soaking my piercing right this minute. Good use for a shot glass.
I need to go to bed. Y'all be good.
April 12, 2008
It's actually the 13th, but I'm going to bed in a minute, and I don't care enough to make it that kind of accurate.
It was a beautiful day, and I'm so glad that we went. I will have a ton of pictures for you tomorrow. It really was such a good day. More on that tomorrow.
April 11, 2008
I had a few things to say earlier today, and I'm sure there will be more later this evening. Right now I've got to get myself to work. There's sooooooooooo much to be done before tomorrow morning. It's all a little daunting. It always is because I want everything to go well. However, I suppose that it doesn't really matter, does it? We'll have a good time regardless. There were a few stressful moments for me earlier in the day. Everything has now been worked out...and that's a good thing.
I know I get worked up about things I shouldn't. I know I let things bother me more than they should. I work on it, but there it is. I'm a closet basketcase most of the time. Only a very select few get to know the true depths of it. Y'all who have seen it, count yourself lucky. Blessed. Trusted. Something.
Going to clean the cooler and my camelbak.
We apparently left cheese in the cooler after the last outing. That was a *pleasant* smell. Ughhh. It is now clean, though.
I'm afraid that I'm going to have to take a couple of my piercings out. They still hurt after I changed out jewelry a couple of weeks ago, and it could just be me, but it looks to me like the left side is rejecting. Why would it be doing this after 6 years of no problems? I'm going to start doing sea salt soaks on them. Perhaps that will help. I hope so. I know that piercings are supposed to be temporary things, but I'm pretty attached to mine. And I really like the way these look.
I think I need a short nap. So very, very tired.
The camelbak is now clean. It wasn't actually dirty, but I scrubbed it out and ran several shots of hot, soapy water through it. That was fun. I also found money tucked in the pack. I can't remember the last time I used it. Wonder why I put money in it?
Now on to deheading the shrimps. Ugh. And to start making the pasta salad. I think that's probably what I'm going to have for dinner tonight.
What a night. Good freakin' grief. I boiled shrimp for tomorrow...and half of it hit the floor. I went to open the feta cheese, and it went all over the kitchen. I was slicing a chicken breast for my dinner tonight, and it hit the floor. Motherfuckers. I guess something was telling me that I didn't belong in the kitchen tonight. Dayum.
I need to go to bed. We're getting up way too early and I still have things to do. Which means I can't go to bed yet. Dammit.
Anyway. So, I was grouchy last night, right? I'm fairly honest, so when the boy asked me, I told him I was grouchy. He wanted to know why and then he wanted to help. That was an incredibly difficult thing for me. At one point, I told him it wasn't really a text-friendly conversation and his response was that I should call. It took me twenty minutes to pick up the phone and do it.
Lots of people think that because the minutia of my life gets recorded here, that means they know what's really going on with me. The truth of the matter is that I gloss over lots of it and there are few people who really know what's going on deep down. I view letting folks in like that to be a sign of weakness, and it's very, very difficult for me to really open up.
So, I'm laying there in my bed in the dark, listening to him ask me questions and trying to figure out what I'm going to say and how much I'm going to reveal, hearing him getting more frustrated with me...remembering that I've been here before, except no one was restraining me and yelling at me this time. All the while, I'm thinking about the quote that I have on my myspace page: Trouble is part of your life--if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough (Dinah Shore). I was also thinking that sometimes when people want to help you, you should let them help you.
So, I told him some of it. I don't know of any way to explain how difficult that was for me. Even with just the tiny amount that I said, it was so very hard.
I need to go to bed. But I have at least three more cds to burn. The way this process works is that you can't just pick up where you left off. You have to keep going from where you are. *sigh* I'm going to get four hours of sleep tonight.
If you're looking for yesterday, it's all right here. Apparently these days I'm operating under the assumption that if you miss a couple of hours, you might miss out.
When the alarm went off this morning, I was dreaming about sex. *sigh* Yeah. That's a nice way to start the morning. It was weird too, though. I don't know that I should really get into the rest of that. Not weird like kinky, but weird nonetheless.
I don't know what I'm wearing today. I was thinking about a dress, but I really don't think I want to think about a dress today when the weather is supposed to be icky. So. What to wear? I hate getting dressed. Why can't we all just wander around the world naked? I know that there are some folks who will say that there are some folks we don't want to see naked, but really...that doesn't bother me. It's a body. Some are bigger, others are smaller...but it's still a body.
Speaking of all of that, I've got to get in the shower. Stuff to do, stuff to do, stuff to do.
Mid-Morning
This trip tomorrow is making me crazy...but in a good way. I've been looking at a tiny map all morning, trying to determine how far the hike is going to be. I called the ranger station, and they told me it was five miles. But then I started looking online at reviews, and according to those, there's no way that's five miles. So...I tried to scale the map myself. And based on my rudimentary attempts, it's more like 2-2.5 miles.
Who cares? you say. Well. No one really. I am, though, a people pleaser, and I know that some of the girlies along for this ride aren't the most...outdoorsy. So. I worry about that. At the same time, though, I really want to get to do a little hiking....make my way through the Seep and then along the lake. A good two hours I think. That's really not a lot. The people-pleaser in me, though, tries to figure out how to make everyone happy.
My sweet doggie is going to go hang out at Polly's tomorrow. It's on the way to the meeting place, and she'll get to be a free dog all day long. I'm sure that Patrick, Polly's son, will play with her some too. So. It's a win-win situation. I think. I was going to give her a bath tonight because she did that whole bile puke thing in her crate yesterday, which makes her stink to high heaven but since she's going to be outside all day tomorrow, and it's been a little on the rainy side here today, I think that's going to get to wait until Sunday morning.
Evening Update
For stuff written earlier today, click here.
What a way to end the day. It's almost comical the way that one thing can wipe out all the good that has gone before. One little thing, and you're back down in the depths. I was having a good, good day. Even though some of the same shit happened again, and I don't apparently learn. I was looking super cute today...actually, not cute--smokin' hot. And I was wearing very pretty panties that I forgot I owned (tucked in the very back of the drawer). I got some things done that I wanted to get done. It should have stayed a good day. *sigh*
I think I'm going to make dinner and then go straight to bed. Actually, I can't do that. Too much to do right this minute. Dammit. Most of it involves itunes and burning cds. (yes Sner...tomorrow, tomorrow your cds will be in the mail)
I've said it before, but these are the times I really, really hate being alone. Just someone to share the space with right this minute would be enough. I'd be content for him to sit on the couch, me in the chair. Something on television. When I'm alone with my thoughts, it gets ugly, and since I'm here, alone with my thoughts, I anticipate it will be an icky evening.
I gotta go out to the car and get a cd. Which means I have to get dressed. Or at least put on my robe.
I am back. And I couldn't find the CD. Which means it is probably in the CD player in the car. I don't care enough to go through it and find it. Sorry. And I can't find the other CD that used to be on the couch. I got it for Christmas and haven't even listened to it. *sigh*
I think I might need to get rid of my myspace page. In the last two days I've gotten strange messages. One of them I sorta know the person from somewhere else, and I suppose it's innocent enough. It's annoying though. Or maybe it's annoying because I'm in a pissy mood right now. Whatever it is, I'm not very comfortable right now.
My teeth hurt. I'm going to bed. Will get up early and finish the things I need to get done.
I was awake before the alarm went off this morning. When the alarm did go off, I tried to just lay there waiting for the snooze, but it wasn't happening for me. So....I'm awake.
Let the puppy out without her collar on. I was a little apprehensive about it because the dogs across the street could be out. And they were. Cob was a good girl, though, and when I said "Come", she did. I guess she wanted her breakfast more than she wanted to go play with the other puppies. Whatever, I'll take it because it wouldn't have been the best thing to have to chase her through the neighborhood in just my robe. (I would have done it, but I wouldn't have liked it)
I still need someone to come let her out and play with her on Saturday. Wonder what Larry is doing...
Afternoon
So, my application for a Georgia teaching license is gone. Dropped it in the mail at lunch. It should be there tomorrow. Unlike with the New Orleans app (which has now been sitting on someone's desk for two days now), I don't feel good about this. I really think it's because of Coach. He's one person amongst millions, but he looms large. Which is silly really. I don't have to go to Atlanta. I could just as easily make my way to Savannah and hang out with Debi, now couldn't I? Yes, yes I could. Yeah, that still doesn't make me feel good about the situation.
I will say, though, that it feels good to knock these things out. Like...I *can* do it, if that's what I decide to do. I'm still toying with the idea of applying for jobs here...but I don't know what there is here for me to stay for. I have phenomenal friends here, but I had phenomenal friends at home, and I left them behind too. If I'm going to go back to the classroom, then it seems to me like the smart bet would be to go back somewhere that I'm going to make double what I could here.
The head-on-a-string feeling is going away. Still having some of the other symptoms, though, which is frustrating.
It's a gross, hot, muggy day here in South Mississippi. Weather is supposed to be coming through tomorrow, and it's decided to go on and make us miserable in the meantime. Possibly severe storms tomorrow, but let's hope that they make their way through the area before we head off on our odyssey.
Which reminds me...I need to clean out my Camelback tonight so it's ready for the hiking we're going to do on Saturday. Both Amanda and I have them, and since we aren't planning on going a terribly long distance, there should be enough fluid for all of us while we're on the trail. Someone may want to be on stand-by Saturday because judging by these girlies and the "fun" we've had in the past, things could rapidly get themselves out of control. We're planning on a stop at Fat Momma's in Natchez. I could picture a gallon of margaritas making the trip home with us. Recall from Sweet Potato Queen lore that they are Knock You Naked Margaritas. Too bad the boy will be in Jackson, hard at work. It's a shame to waste a good tequila fueled nakedness. Not that I need tequila to get naked. I'm just sayin'. *grin* Hear that boy?
April 9, 2008
Evening Update
For the ramble from this morning, see here.
Still not feeling good. Went out with 17 women this evening. Didn't drink. Didn't eat. Don't think it's a particularly good idea.
My resume is on someone's desk in New Orleans. Every time I try to do that whole manifestation thing, it never works out the way I want it to. Never. But I'm going to give it yet another whirl. Like I said...I feel good about this. I should have done it a couple of years ago when I first felt the pull, but I was scared.
Not that I'm not still scared. I live scared. That's all there is to it. I try, but it's a lifetime of habit. I don't know that I would change anything, though. If I'd done this two years ago, things would certainly be different, but there's so very much that I would have missed. Experiences. People. Friends. Love. Joy. Hurt. I wasn't ready then...probably because I needed to experience those things.
I don't know if I'm ready now. I really don't. Like I said...I'm scared. People keep telling me how exciting this whole fandango is, but I can't get past the fear. I'm still doing it, though--like I walked across the Golden Gate Bridge, like I stood outside during Katrina. I'm scared, but that's only a bad thing if I let it keep me from going and doing what I need to do.
Trying to get this trip planned for Saturday. I don't know why I worry so much about these things. Maybe I'm worrying about it a bit so I don't have to worry about the other thing. That whole job thing. Which reminds me, I gotta find my Louisiana guide book. And I need to get the atlas so I can map things out. (This is what I do. Before most trips you don't know about this stuff because I don't let you in on it...but I do it. I can feel free to wander if I know where I'm wandering from. I don't trust that there's going to be a net. I gotta make one of my own) I hope the girlies have a good time. Which reminds me...have to order the songs.
I think I'm going to buy a pair of shorts to wear on Saturday. Do y'all know how big that is? I can't remember the last time I bought a pair of shorts, and somehow I manage to make it through most of a Mississippi summer wearing long pants. I hate my legs. I hate them. I don't know if I've always hated them, but I do know it's certainly been a long time coming. I'm thinking, though, maybe it's time to get over it.
I searched for my NV teaching license again tonight...and I found it! I'm glad I didn't go through the process (and expense) of getting a duplicate. It's just like when I lost my passport. Y'all remember the passport thing? I put it in the BonJovi boxset? I was thinking about my license and what I could have done with it...the last time I remembered seeing it, it was sitting atop my couch. I just remembered that I put it in one of the drawers of the entertainment center. Why I put it there, I have no idea.
That means that tomorrow I can send my application off to Georgia. I think there's probably a reason why I've drug my feet with this particular opportunity...and it probably centers around Coach. I get the feeling there would have to be a rather uncomfortable conversation if I moved within an hour of him, and I can't quite imagine the reaction if I were to start dating. His tantrum in February was enough. I'm still kinda pissed off about it if I think hard.
I think I'm going to wear a dress to work on Friday. My springy one. With a white short-sleeved cardigan.
Holy shit! We beat the Yankees again! Are you kidding me? Really? I'll take it anyway I can get it. (errrr...talking about the baseball. Maybe)
I think I need someone to rub my neck. I've been trying to pop my neck, and it's not going. Maybe my lower back too. I have this awful pins and needles feeling in the middle of my lower back and my legs (stupid legs) feel like they weigh about 12 tons. Moving through molasses. That's what it feels like. Or that's what part of it feels like. I know I need to go back to the neurologist. It's been a really long time. But until I have insurance, that's not going to happen.
Morning Update
Feeling very seizure-y this morning. I think that perhaps it's tied to the weather change. A storm is supposed to be coming in this afternoon, I think. Whatever it is, I kinda feel like my head is a balloon on a string, floating above my body. That kinda makes it difficult when standing up or turning around or any of those sorts of things.
I've been trying to get this road trip planned, but surprisingly, it's not as easy as one would think. The website isn't the greatest help. I finally broke down and made a call to the ranger station. The lady wasn't that friendly to start, but she warmed up. I imagine that since the article ran in the NYT a couple of weeks ago, they've had a lot of calls. Right now it's loooking to me like we're going to make our way to Kincaid Lake and then on to the Wild Azalea Trail and into the Wild Azalea Seep. Hopefully the azaleas haven't started dropping their blossoms yet. I want to see lots of pretty things. I need to look in my AAA guide book when I get home tonight and see what it has to say. I hope this all turns out well because I would hate for the girlies to be disappointed.
That's a downside of traveling with a group. If it's just me, then if it's a disappointment, then I can chalk it up to being nothing more than a lark. If it's lots of people, then I'll feel responsible for it. I suppose, though, enough Knock You Naked Margaritas and no one is really going to care one way or the other, huh? Still. I want it to be a good time.
I'm so proud of myself! I update the site at work by using an html editor. When I'm doing it at home, because I use a program, I can click on a button and it does all the behind the scenes magic of html. Here at work, I have to manipulate the html to get things done the way I want them to be done. I was having a couple of problems earlier this morning, but I figured them out! Yay me! I'm still not a genius when it comes to these things, and that's OK with me. I'm comfortable with knowing just enough to make myself dangerous.
What do y'all think of the teens in Florida who brutally attacked a girl? I've been reading some commentary, and it is amusing to me that some folks think that if the perpetrators would have been spanked more at home, then this whole thing could have been prevented. I guess it kinda goes along with my musings about violence from yesterday, but I really, really don't understand how violence prevents violence. Hitting a child, regardless of the intent behind it, is committing violence against the child.
Granted, I don't have children...and probably never will...but in thinking about discipline and consequences for actions, I'm very hard-pressed to think of an instance where a spanking is an appropriate response. I know that I've rambled about this before here. Desiree and I are particularly in line with our thoughts about such...except she's much more adamant and vehement about it. Anyone here read the UN Rights of the Child charter? I'm not against corporal punishment because I think it perpetuates a cycle of violence or anything like that. I just don't see the point in it. Consequences are supposed to be natural, logical, related...I could be missing it, but I can't come up with a situation where spanking a child is a natural, logical, or related consequence.
Around these parts, that's a minority opinion. I guess the easiest answer is to just spank a kid. I can see how it works in the sort term and is certainly convenient. I mean...few swats on the bottom and it's all over with. I was going to say more, but that's getting into my value judgments, and I'm not sure that's where I want to head.
OK...it's time for me to go to lunch. More this afternoon, I'm sure.
April 8, 2008
Evening Update
To see all of the BS that I wrote about this morning, you'll need to make your way here.
Came home and brushed the Blackberry. She was getting mats and nasty, so I took her out on to the porch and collected this year's wool. Poor baby. She actually did much better with it this time than she did last year. I think she might have even liked it a little. There was some purring going on. Ripped out the hair around her face, though. With all those mats, it was unavoidable. She looks like my fluffy kitty now. Love her lots.
This road trip for the weekend is turning into a production. I think we have six, possibly seven people going, which means that one of the girls has rented a van. OK. I just selected songs for the trip, but I'm going to have to winnow them down. I have 344 songs. That's way too many. Even for a long drive.
Feeling kinda seizure-y this evening. Actually have been feeling that way all day.
Have any of you been following the raid of the Texas ranch? I can understand stopping the abuse. Teenage girls should not be forced into sexual relationships. Beyond that, though, I'm not sure what right we have to tell folks that if they want to live like they're married to more than one person, they can't. If there's no coercion or abuse involved, why can't adults make the choice to live with and love more than one person? I know that this case involves coercion and abuse, but if it didn't? Who are we to say that they can't live their lives the way they choose?
So. Some of you know how I feel about love and all that. Others not so much. I think that we have possibly been sold a bill of goods when it comes to the fairy tale fantasy of what love is and means. Not that I know, but there's a lot about this one true love thing is a bit on the hinky side to me. We accept that if we have children, we can love more than one of them. We accept that we can love more than one sibling. The examples are infinite. We accept that what we feel for all of those people can readily be defined as "love". But somehow when it comes to "romantic" love, all the rules are changed, and all of the sudden we can only love one person. That doesn't make any sense to me. People talk about loving someone versus being "in love" with some one, but I don't know if that's a valid distinction either. I think we have infinite capacity to love; we just don't let ourselves most of the time.
All of that is not to say that I would want to live in a polyamorous relationship. I understand it, and that means that I'm not going to go crazy and get pissed off if the person I'm with decides that the girl down the way is appealing too. Strangely, given what I believe, I tend to be a monogamous person, although I recognize that I have the potential to be a bit of a gadfly. I am only intimate with one person at a time, though.
Kind of to go along with that, that survey guy from work was talking to me about his wife again today. *sigh* Did I mention that this is his third marriage? He's not yet 30? And they've only been married since October? He called her a bitch and then proceeded to whinge about her for a good ten minutes. *sigh* Dumbass. Obviously that stuff doesn't happen over night, and if you've been married twice before, how far up your ass does your head have to be to go into it again, knowing you've already got trouble brewing?
I am totally the bitchy old woman who lives next door. Recall that Friday night I had some serious issues getting to sleep not only because of the phone but because of whatever the hell the neighbors were doing. I just went outside, banged on the window of a Ford Explorer and told the fuckwit sitting in the driver's seat to turn it down. The song that was blaring was something about teabagging. Nice. Very nice. Good grief. Punkass kids.
My Royals beat the Yankees tonight! Woo-hoo! How cool is that? We are currently 5-2. I'm going to hold fast to these moments because I know they're not going to last. Sadly.
My application packet is going to be sitting on someone's desk tomorrow morning. Ughhh. Feeling a nervous. Still.
OK...room spinning. Going to bed.
I feel like my head is about to fall right on off my shoulders. I actually kinda wish it would. Still hurts this morning. I'm hopped up on decongestants and pain killers, which means I'm feeling a little floaty. Good thing there's not a lot at work that needs to be accomplished today.
Last night when I got home, there was a package waiting on the front porch. Inside was a shiny new tripod. I didn't order it, and there was no indication of who might have, but I have a pretty good idea. I think someone is trying to hint strongly that it's time for me to send him some pics. I might have told that someone that I couldn't because my tripod was broken (and it was...the camera didn't stay level on it anymore). I'm not so sure that I'm too keen on taking any pics right now. I did want some new pics of my ta-tas, but I was not taken up on that offer, so. Eh.
Speaking of things along those lines, lately I've been sorta reading a rather...naughty...blog. The writing doesn't really titillate me or anything like that. I kinda find it interesting that it's there. I mean, I know I put some pretty personal stuff out there through my writing here, but if for no other reason than my life is pretty integrated here (both the personal and the professional), I wouldn't be able to put *that* kind of writing here. Even if there was somewhere for me to put it, I'm not sure that I would.
Awhile back, I wrote about an article I'd read dealing with writing about sex and just how awkward it is to write about sex. I've done a little of it (Coach used to want me send him things since it was a long distance relationship), and some of it I thought was OK. It took a lot more effort to get to the stuff that was OK, and really, I don't know if it was worth it. He seemed to think it was, but I don't know. Most of it, though, I think very rapidly enters the realm of Letters to Penthouse or even worse. When you look at such things with a writer's hat on, there are all sorts of considerations, most of which swirl around word choice and sentence variety. But when you come down to varying the words, you even more rapidly get into the hilarious cliché of really bad romance novel writing. There's only so many ways to say ways to write the names of genitalia before you get absurd.
I was thinking about it last night, though, and if my head hadn't been pounding, I might have tried to peck (ha!) a little something out for my own personal files. Might give that a whirl this evening. It will probably just stay on my hard drive (ha!) and amount to nothing. Who and what to write about becomes the question, though. Hmmmmm...
My right foot is slightly larger than my left. I've been thinking that for awhile, but when I put on these cute Steve Madden black and white flats, it gets brought home rather quickly. The left one fits fine. The right one is not as comfy. *sigh*
Y'all watching the Olympic protests? I can't believe that the IOC was stupid enough to award the Olympics to China in the first place, but the surprise at people protesting seems to be even more stupid. China doesn't have the best record, and the issue with Tibet has been brewing for a very long time. How no one foresaw this exploding now and didn't do anything to help mitigate the issue is a bit mind-boggling. It was to be expected that the Tibetans would use this international platform to bring attention to their cause.
I have to say that I really admire the non-violence tenet of Buddhism. While I'm not a religious person, I've long said that I don't believe in violence. I've got the physical part of it down. I can walk away from that. I have a much more difficult time controlling my thoughts and all of that stuff. My words can be pretty caustic too...and I know that sometimes the violence we do through the words we say is worse than anything we can do with our hands. That's what I have to work on, and maybe when I get it, I'll be a better person.
I'm headed to lunch here in just a little bit. Should be fun. Meeting up with a bunch of friends. Should have brought my camera. Took it out of my purse yesterday. Speaking of which...I cleaned my purse out this morning. I couldn't take it. There's a reason why I don't normally carry a purse. I find that they just collect junk and then you can't find the things in them that you need...like your cold medicine or your sparkly gold lip gloss. So I got rid of a bunch of the junk in it. Put all the cold medicine (3 different kinds thank you very much) in the inside pocket. A couple of lipsticks in the outside pocket.
Kinda wish I were headed home to take a quick nap instead of going to lunch. I used to do that...go home and take a half hour nap. Perhaps that's what I need to start doing again.
Y'all see this article about excessive drinking on the 21st birthday? What did you do for your 21st birthday? The guys at Nationwide took me out. X refused to go with because he was being pouty. Pissed that I was going out with guy friends and he wasn't old enough to drink yet. Lord amercy. I don't remember how much I drank, but I know that no one tried to get me to drink 21 shots of anything. Although, those shots of 1800 Cuervo served in rocks glasses might have gotten me up to 6 or 8. That combined with the beer, and I was home by ten at night. And I don't remember much after say 8. We started at 6. X said that we had some awesome sex when he got home, but again...I don't remember it. *sigh* Got up early the next morning and went to have my hair did. No hang-over, no nothing.
I need to finish my GA application tonight and send off my thing to NV. *sigh* Washoe County is sending my verification to Georgia today. I guess if I get my part of it in the mail, it should all arrive at about the same time. Except for the NV teaching license. I don't know. I suppose I should look into what it takes to get a teaching license in Kentucky since that's a possibility for me as well. Just did that, and it looks like a pain in the ass. I'm not going to do that unless I absolutely have to. *shudder* The Kentucky website has a poorly scanned copy of the app on their site. They could be bothered to create a PDF of the thing. *shudder* Nothing says quality and first class, like that. Good show Kentucky.
April 7, 2008
I slept well last night. Not sure if it was the hot bath with the sleepy-time stuff in it (went with that rather than smelling like liniment) or the nightcap (baileys and blueberry vodka) or what. But once I got off the phone (thank you for that call), I was sleeping hard. I'm sure there was drool involved. That's when you know it was a really good sleep.
I have a list of things to get done today. First on it is to finish my application to New Orleans. I'll go buy the fancy paper to print my resume and cover letter on at lunch. Then I need to get money orders for the NV DOE and the GA Board of Professional Standards. Need to get started on that right away.
OK. I'm going to get started. Really. More later. Maybe.
Evening Update
My head is killing me, and I feel a little like I might puke. If I had any pot, I'd surely be smoking right this minute. But I don't, so I'm having a beer...when I remember to drink it.
I made up my mind and sent the letter and resume off to New Orleans. Bought the pretty paper and envelopes while at lunch today, and tonight I went back up to work and used the printer. Took a little while to figure out how to get the envelope right and didn't like the way it printed on the copier so I did it on the Phaser. Much better.
I can now be a basketcase until I hear from them. Because I'm sure that if I don't hear from them, it will be due to some error that I missed...or that any number of the folks who have read it missed. But. I'm feeling pretty good about the whole thing. Like this is it. This morning at the office I had to empty out a box and then throw the box away. While I was doing it, I was thinking, I should save this box...it's a good box, and I'm going to need to move here soon.
I know I'm qualified. I know I'd be good at it. But getting them to realize that is another story. *sigh*
I hate it when the azaleas start losing their flowers. They look like wet crepe paper, and it is just sad. Two weeks of stunning beauty followed by two weeks of the crumpled blooms and then a year of blah nothing. Sucks.
I was antsy all day long. It took me awhile to figure out why, but now I know. *sigh* Good luck with that.
There was more that I wanted to say tonight, but my head is killing me. Tomorrow. Maybe. My horoscope says I should resolve to be less idealistic. I dunno how I feel about that. I kinda like that I'm quite idealistic. It makes things difficult lots of the time, but I dunno know if I want to let that go. Mercury is supposed to be moving forward, which means the last couple of weeks of chaos should be abating. Good deal.
April 6, 2008
I am still wiped out. I went out to Beth and Mark's around noon and stayed until 4:30-ish. We got the flower bed around the backporch done. There are like seven other flower beds, which are just as big that need to be similarly cleaned out. Good grief. I suppose that the pretty is worth the work, but when you're doing the work, it certainly isn't a whole lot of fun.
I do have a ton of Peeps now, though. The last time I was out there, we talked about how much I love Peeps but won't buy them for myself. So, she got them on clearance. There are three sets of them now. The thing is that I really only want one of them. I can't remember the last time I ate more than one of them. Just the one and I'm fine.
My right hip is killing me. It's the arthritic one. I think being out yesterday morning in the damp aggravated it. Then the relatively quick walking pace and all of the other work yesterday and today has it screaming. I took a shower when I got home because I was filthy, but I think I'm probably going to use some of that soreness soak and take a hot bath here in a little bit. Will probably be in bed by 9:00.
Cobbler got to go to Gumbo Acres with me this afternoon. She was so happy to be a FreeDog. So happy she managed to get her collar off. Not quite sure how she did that, but whatever. She and George ran and played almost the entire time. She was happy to drink out of the lime green pool...or the water hose. When we were weeding, at one point, Cobbler decided she'd had enough and flopped down right on top of the irises and day lilies. When we were covering the zinnia and sunflower seeds with potting soil, Cob was right there in the middle of it, getting most of the dirt on her head. *sigh* Puppy got a bath as soon as we were home. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200. She's now passed out at my feet.
That rash is back on my hands.
I forgot to tell y'all the road rage story from yesterday's drive home from Jackson. You've heard about my frustration with Southern drivers and their tendency to drive in the left lane, even if they're not passing someone. Well, this is sort of about that, but not really. Much more about some idiot (silver Ford 150, extended cab...early 2000 model? Before they went to the boxier style...lamar county tag LLI(?)-755...placards on the truck that said "Free Natural Health CD, call 601-579-8631", which cracks me up). He started in the right lane and was trying to get the car in front of him to speed up by riding their ass and flashing his lights at them constantly. That didn't do anything other than establish what an ass he was and set up the situation that followed.
Eventually he got around that car and was traveling in the left lane. A maroon Grand Cherokee and a silver CRV conspired to keep everyone in line by going the same speed, preventing anyone from passing. From about Florence to Mendenhall. About 20 miles. With speeds sometimes decreasing to 45-50 mph, but never getting above 65, which is the posted speed limit. I was in the right lane even with the ass, and since I realized what was going on, I just kinda went along with it. What else are you going to do? Get pissed about it? Which isn't to say that it wasn't frustrating because it was. But what are you going to do? The ass kept tailgating and flashing his lights.
Eventually the maroon Jeep turned off, and as he got into the left turn lane, the ass made to turn off too. He actually almost ran the Jeep off the road. By that time, I was looking at him getting to be a much, much smaller speck in the rearview because those situations make me nervous. That's why I've never flashed my lights at people I want to move or even really tailgated. I'm too afraid that I'll do something like that to a mentally unstable person who finds his or her identity a little too wrapped up in his or her vehicle.
I'm watching a program on Dr. King. It's half-way over, and they've yet to talk about his more radical positions. Not that advocating for equality wasn't radical ,but the rest of it. They had Chuck D of Public Enemy talking about how each year King's image has been softened and sanitized.
I miss the boy. Wish he would have been here Friday night.
Gonna get in the bath. Y'all have a happy Monday.
April 5, 2008
The grill is heating up so I can fix a steak for dinner tonight. I've been needing red meat. Had a burger for lunch and it didn't do the trick. So. Steak it is. And a bottle of wine.
I am wiped out. Slept like ass last night. Between the phone and the neighbors, I didn't get to sleep and stay asleep until 3:00...two hours before the alarm went off. Good deal. I have no clue what the hell was going on at the neighbor's, but I was about ready to give my "you have two options" spchiel again. The lights kept coming on and off (convenient as the light goes right into my room) and about every 15 minutes it seemed like a car was pulling up or leaving, with the requisite lights and booming stereo. Ughhh. Then there was the three mile walk this morning in the chill and damp. Just got out of the bath. Feel better.
I think I'm going to be awful and just have a steak for dinner tonight. No veggies. No starch. Just red, bloody meat. Actually...I looked in the freezer, and there's some broccoli cheese rice. Guess I'll have some of that as well. And the wine. Gotta open the bottle of wine.
I finished the race in about 43 minutes this morning. I thought that was pretty good. I picked a survivor tag in front of me and decided I was going to keep up with her. If she could cruise, then I sure as heck could too. The whole event was a bit of a disappointment. Even the one in Tupelo was better, and I thought it was a little subpar, too. It didn't seem very well organized. This was the first year for the kids' race, and they put the kids on the same course as the adults, 15 minutes after the adults started. Not smart. With as much space as they have at Trustmark Park, they could easily set up a mile course that runs through the parking lot. Even if they have to loop a couple of times. (we had to loop three times) There wasn't anyone to direct traffic when you were coming up to the finish line. Nor were there people along the course cheering you on, like there typically are at Race for the Cure events. It was just kinda like...eh. Perhaps part of the problems was yesterday's extreme weather in Jackson.
My steak is really, really good.
Went to see The Ruins this afternoon. Totally cheezy horror film, and you could see everything coming a mile away. I still, though managed to jump and flap my hands at the screen and cover my eyes. If I were going to rate it, I'd say maybe one and a half stars. Maybe.
It's prom night here in town. I saw two couples headed in to Chesterfields as I was getting back into town. One of the dresses was just incredible. I remember prom. Do you remember your prom? I went to three of them. I was going to say that I don't really remember the second one, but perhaps I remember it the best due to the planning. Gawd that was awful. I should have never gotten involved in that fiasco. It was at the Flamingo Hilton. I remember all those freaking ferns and the fountain and all of the rest of it. Ugh. Although if I ever get married, I can rock the decorations for super cheap. I still remember how to work it.
I also remember the agony that was that whole helmet hair. Good lord. Anyone besides the Sner remember that drive home, bawling my head off, trying frantically to get the hundreds of pins out of the mass of hardened gel? I did the best I could in brushing it out and putting it in a bun. I also remember that Chrissy didn't have a good time, but I did. Danced with my friends all night long.
I remember the first one, too (also with Chrissy), the fabulous dress that my Sner made, the dinner at his parents' house, the awful Lawler Events Center location. It wasn't that great of a time either. The last one with Dax was a good time. I can't remember much other than he was willing to dance with me and he had a good time with all of my friends. He did get pissed when we were at Denny's for breakfast and Nicole sprayed him with coffee creamer. Looking back, that was probably a warning sign, but it's also pretty funny.
I also strongly associate prom with sex. But that might be due to other reasons. *sigh*
Louis Jadot Beaujolais. That's what I'm drinking tonight. It's lovely. I like it a whole awful lot.
I'm supposed to go out to the MS parents tomorrow to help clean up Beth's computer and do some flowerbed weeding. She called Friday night and was bored, but I thought I had other plans. I didn't want to drive out there anyway. I guess, though, tomorrow morning around 10:30, that's exactly what I'll be doing. I don't really want to weed flowerbeds, but I suppose that it's a small price to pay for all that I gain from them.
Motherfuckers. The puppy was playing with her ladybug (stuffed animal...need to get her a new one. She's popped the squeaker in that one and it's getting a little worse for the wear) and knocked over my glass of wine. It was full. It went all over the carpet and my quilt. I think the carpet is going to be fine as I've blotted it up and have been through one round of Resolve...the second is soaking in as we speak. The quilt is in the washer. I hope it comes out. I really like that quilt. Even if it is getting raggedy. Technically, it is supposed to get raggedy...although perhaps not quite this raggedy. I noticed for the first time that the Sner made a weird dog-leg thing on it towards one corner. Like she was determined to finish it up but ran out of scraps of material.
Anyway. In the cleaning process, I discovered a dried out lizard. I wonder how long it's been there? Shows you how often I pull the chair out and clean behind it. *sigh*
Gotta blot the carpet. Be right back.
OK. I think the carpet is fine. Just waiting to see about the quilt.
And the quilt is fine! Yay!
I'm watching The Rock of Love on VH-1. I have to wonder what the hell Bret Michaels is thinking. Seriously. If you've been unsuccessful in a relationship, what sense does it make to look for the same woman? Crazy, fucked up chics? I think that's probably why I haven't been in a relationship in awhile. I know what I'm attracted to...right down the line (those of you who have met my "relationships" know exactly what that line is. While the look is often similar *sigh*, it can change. The personality is the same, though. I know why that is. And I think it's OK at it's base, but it takes a perceptive sensitive person to be able to handle that. I haven't met that person yet). But I also know that has not been entirely successful for me in the past. So while I'm attracted to it, I'm trying to be very cautious and careful about the choices I make.
My birthday is on Friday the 13th this year. I know it's still three months away. I just want y'all to be prepared. Since it's going to be a Friday night, it better be one helluva party. Dammit.
April 4, 2008
Still time to donate! I'm now at 94% of my goal. Thank you so much to those who have made contributions to my cause. For those of you who have yet to donate, please make a contribution to this very worthy cause. Any amount is appreciated. Just need another $30 to get it. Thirty dollars!!! Have I mentioned how dear this is to my heart? And how much I appreciate anything you can donate?
http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage
I've gotten all the work on my desk done, and there's still an hour and a half to go. Whatever am I going to do with myself on a Friday afternoon? *sigh* It doesn't help that I've been a good mood all day long. Good, excitable mood.
The reason for the good mood is a little silly. The boy implied last night that he would be coming over tonight. Whether he actually does or not is a whole different story, but. In the meantime I'm looking forward to seeing him. As silly as that is.
The PSB wants to go to lunch or dinner tomorrow since I'm going to be in Jackson, and he owes me. Promises that he's not going to stand me up again. I dunno if I'm feeling like taking him up on the offer.
Evening Update
It's 9:15. I've painted my nails. The dishes are finished. I've vacuumed and done most of the laundry. The house smells good thanks to Febreeze, incense, and candles (it gets to smelling a little funky because of the dog...she'll get a bath tomorrow).
I think I'll finish my sandwich and my cocktail and get in the bath, then in the bed. I have to remember to look in the freezer more often. A year ago I apparently bought this lovely pasta garlic vegetable thing. yeah, after a year...it's not good anymore. *sigh*
There's bad weather coming through. I guess I should write down directions to the race, huh? Figure out what time I need to get my sorry self there. I still haven't decided if I'm going to lunch with the PSB. If I am, I should probably take a change of clothes and that sort of thing. I don't know, though, if I really care. I'm leaning towards the not really care.
I took the electric blanket off the bed when I made it up this afternoon. It's time.
It kinda sucks the way such a great day can wind up as such a...non-event. One of these days I'll learn. Maybe. Like a freakin' puppy I am.
Today is the 40th anniversary of the assignation of Martin Luther King, Jr. It is somewhat shameful that we haven't made more progress than we have. I don't understand when people start talking about how "those people" should just "get over it". Do they realize how little time has passed? How difficult it is to overcome to institutionalized and systemic discrimination? It's not an easy thing, and while I am confident that with time, we'll get to where we need to be (I don't know that I agree with MLKIII that we need a cabinet-level position to deal with the problem of race relations)...it takes time. And just because we're sick of talking about it and hearing about it, doesn't mean that enough time has passed.
It looks like my road trip for next weekend is shaping up. Thus far I have two friends going with me. Possibly four. That means I ain't driving because no one is going to want to crawl in and out of my back seat. There was method to my madness when I bought a coupe.
Talk to y'all tomorrow. Going to bed now. If I didn't have to get up early, I'd have another drink.
April 3, 2008
Still time to donate! I'm now at 84% of my goal. Thank you so much to those who have made contributions to my cause. For those of you who have yet to donate, please make a contribution to this very worthy cause. Any amount is appreciated. Just need another $80 to get it. Eighty dollars!!! Have I mentioned how dear this is to my heart? And how much I appreciate anything you can donate?
http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage
I need to make some dinner. I've spent the last hour finishing up my application for Cobb County. Ugh. What a pain. Particularly when I think I probably don't even want that job. I was going to work on the last little bit for the job that I want, but I just haven't gotten around to it. Tomorrow.
Talked to someone from New Orleans this evening, and he was not as positive about the whole thing as I was hoping. He mentioned that the cost of living is much greater. I wonder if that's really true. I mean, other than the rent, is it really going to be that much more expensive to live there? People talk about how much lower the cost of living is in the south, but I don't know if I buy that or not. Yeah, my rent is cheaper here, but everything else is just about the same. Groceries certainly aren't cheaper. I'm willing to bet that my utilities aren't a whole lot cheaper either. So...yeah, I'm concerned about it, but I don't know how concerned I am. Particularly if the salary is what it's advertised as.
Also another friend is going to looking at what's available where she is. That wouldn't be bad either. So. Possibilities, possibilities, possibilities.
It was another crappy day. One of the baby engineers is a bit...full of himself...and it was a distressing morning. I'm trying to be a better person so I'm not going to say more than that. Other than just because I'm working as a secretary doesn't mean I'm an idiot or incompetent.
Capped things off with a nosebleed right before I left today. I can't remember the last time I had a nosebleed. It's always nice, though...blood over the desk, just missed some estimates. Good show. Combine the nosebleed with a period, and I'm feeling quite a bit like I need a steak. The problem is that I have a bit more black bean soup to eat, and I have a TON of mexican cornbread. I don't know how to justify a steak when there are left-overs in the fridge. Y'all think about it and let me know if you can figure a way around. Please. Thanks.
I decided to paint my toe and fingernails a lovely shade of pink. For the Race on Saturday. The broken toe toenail is a lovely shade of black. I won't be going without polish for awhile. I have ugly feet. My poor toes. I guess it's those years of heels. *sigh*
My throat is killing me. I think that this house keeps me just a little ill. The mold has got to have an effect.
So tired.
Read this article today. Can't say that I'm surprised by it. When you look at the writing task students are being asked to complete, I have to wonder how anyone can seriously say that it's a true measure of writing ability. That link includes a link to a sample prompt which is basically "describe a backpack to someone who doesn't know what one is". And do it in three paragraphs because we know that if you were really describing a backpack to someone, you'd have an introduction, a body, and a conclusion. We know you'd pay really close attention to word choice...oh and by the way, you can't use any visual aids. We're not going to let you draw. Because you're totally going to be asked to do that in the real world.
I also don't know if I buy the part about the death of the sentence either. I'm a fragmentary writer. I always have been. I get the need to know what the rules are, but if we look at good writing, there are fragments. We talk in fragments, and perhaps part of the problem is that we force students into artificial structures. We tell students to never start sentences with "because" but we forget to mention that it's not really "never"...you can certainly start sentences with "because". It happens all the time. I had an administrator a year and a half ago tell me that I shouldn't confuse students with nuance. Well. Is that because you think they're too stupid to get it? Or is it because you don't understand how it works yourself and don't think students will either? How do you explain to students that they should "never", but Gary Paulsen or Laurie Halse Anderson does? How's that for "nuance"?
Anyone want to take a road trip with me next weekend? Even though gas is now $3.30/gallon here (up $0.15-0.18 overnight. What the fuck is that about?), I think I'm getting out of town. Unless there's something I'm supposed to be doing. Is there? Can anyone remember? I've decided that I want to go here. I don't even know how far that is from here. I'm too lazy to look it up on mapquest. Although there is an atlas right behind my chair. Is it too far for a day trip? Cuz the doggie and I could always go camping. (y'all think I'm kidding. I'm serious. Who wants to go with me? I'll pack a lunch. Some greek chicken pasta salad? Oooooo...wait...I have shrimp in the freezer that needs to get used. You know you're feeling it.)
I don't know if I'm feeling better tonight or not. The boy was very sweet and encouraging and supportive last night, and I am appreciative of that. The problem is that I think that I've done a pretty good job of helping people believe the lie. Other people don't live in my head, so when I'm being sweet and all of that, they don't get the backstory. Just because I don't say it, doesn't mean I'm not thinking it. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't feel bad about thinking it. Because I do. I'm just pretty good at not acting on such things. Yesterday was an abnormality for me. I have said before that I'm naturally a pessimistic person, but I work hard--really, really hard--at not letting that color my world. Sometimes, though...I'm not quite so good at it.
Y'all seriously. I need $80 more for my fundraising goal.
Called the NV DOE and it's juts going to cost me $10 to get a duplicate license. Good deal. I'll get that sent off in the mail tomorrow. My GA teaching license app is ready to go too. Just gotta wait for my NV license. Need to email Betsy and let her know of the possibilities.
Looks like it might rain Saturday morning. That won't be good for the Race. What will I wear? The shirt is white. I can think of a few people who would appreciate that, but on the whole, I doubt that the folks in Jackson will be wanting to see any of that.
April 2, 2008
Still time to donate! I'm now at 81% of my goal. Thank you so much to those who have made contributions to my cause. For those of you who have yet to donate, please make a contribution to this very worthy cause. Any amount is appreciated. Just need another $95 to get it. Ninety-five dollars!!! Have I mentioned how dear this is to my heart? And how much I appreciate anything you can donate?
http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage
The Race for the Cure sent me my shirt and race bib today. I wish they hadn't. That's $2.15 or whatever that could have gone to the cause. Which isn't a lot when you think it's just me, but when you multiply that out, it's not so cool. There are over 800 people registered for the race now. Still...not a lot, but enough. Am I raising money for postage or support?
Another gross day. *sigh* Starting at 7:30, I was getting messages from Do-Over. He called. I ignored him until about 2:00, and then my conscience got the better of me. I can't stand being ignored--it triggers all of my insecurities--and I feel bad when I do something to others that I wouldn't want done to me. So I responded to him because I couldn't handle making him feel the way I feel.
I have to wonder if I come across as pathetic as Do-Over does. And if I do...lord help me because that's awful. He asked me who I was talking to, right after he asked me if I thought about him ever and wanted to get together sometime. I told him that I wasn't talking to anyone but I wasn't interested...because I'm not. I have standards, and Do-Over doesn't cut it, even for just a booty call. I'm kinda selective that way (2 guys in the last four years...3 in the last 6). He didn't seem to take it too hard, though because the next minute he was asking who the blonde chick with me at Gumbo Acres was. *sigh* Good to know that he doesn't take rejection hard.
The PSB was calling today too. No patience for it. None.
My cover letter is ready to go. A couple of folks have read it and say it's amazing (do we expect anything less from me?). I need to put together the pre-employment thing, but I think it's going to happen tomorrow. Print things off and then send them tomorrow afternoon. Started working on my application for Cobb County, and realized that I don't know where my current NV teaching license is. I'm afraid that I may have shredded it instead of the expired one. *sigh* The old license and the Mississippi license are in my fire-proof box...but not the new one. I need to call Nevada in the morning and find out what I have to do to get a duplicate copy because I'll need it for my GA application. In the meantime, I need to find out when it expires. I think that without a master's (I didn't have my transcripts in time), it's five years.
I'm feeling kinda gross. My voice is back, but now my throat hurts, my head hurts, and I can't stop coughing. I can feel the swollen tonsils and lymph nodes (that year of tonsillitis/mono in high school has prepared me for these moments). I actually feel a bit like I'm running a fever, and most of my typing is killing me. I know what I'm wanting to say, but my fingers aren't getting to it.
I was having an awfully mean-spirited moment this afternoon. With my cell phone, I took a picture of the woman ahead of me in line at lunch. It was funny, and I shouldn't have giggled. And I shouldn't have used that picture as my avatar. So I changed it.
I'm actually feeling pretty shitty this evening. I'm not at all feeling like a good person. I think that most of the time I'm not a very good person. Petty and insecure and ugly. Got it all in spades today. I was tempted to offer some sort of excuse, but I'm pretty sure there isn't really one that's going to make it OK.
So I suck, and I'm going to take some nyquil and go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
My Royals won again. We've won our first two games of the season. It's all downhill from here.
April 1, 2008
Still time to donate! I'm now at 81% of my goal. Thank you so much to those who have made contributions to my cause. For those of you who have yet to donate, please make a contribution to this very worthy cause. Any amount is appreciated. Just need another $95 to get it. Ninety-five dollars!!! Have I mentioned how dear this is to my heart? And how much I appreciate anything you can donate?
http://race.komencentralms.org/goto/jenspage
What an emotional, stressful day. I didn't get out of the bed until 7:15 this morning. Just couldn't be bothered. That, of course, made the morning harried. I generally need awhile to wake up. Then the new bookkeeper is training at work. *sigh*
Shan sent an email this morning saying that Meta's cancer is back, and it's in her bones. I remember doing some research last fall when Elizabeth Edwards announced that her breast cancer had returned and was in her bones. The prognosis is not good. It just isn't. There's no way around it. Shan asked me to call, and I did.
I am a nurturer taker-care-of. I am a listener and a sympathizer and an empathizer. So I listened to her, and she cried those terrible, my world has ended sobs...the ones where your soul is being ripped apart. It was somewhat apropos that the weather was awful with thunder and lightning and the rain sheeting down. It was awful to her say, "I can't lose another mother," because I know that's the truth. I really, really wanted to be there. Not to tell her that it's going to be OK because I can't stand it when someone says that to me in the midst of crisis. Cari taught me a long, long time ago that sometimes all that the other person needs is an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. I'm good at that...I just wish I could be there to do it.
Life is not fair. I know that, but most of the time You're not reminded of just how unfair it is. Why does Shan have to be going through this again? Why does she have to face this...again?
Both she and I know how bad this is, but the rest of the family doesn't really, although Eric began to get an idea because apparently he was doing some google searching this afternoon. Shan asked me if I had any idea how hard it is to tell your husband that his mother is dying. i can't even begin to imagine. I can't. She asked me what she should do? What she should tell the family...since she knows what's ahead.
Always in our relationship, I've felt like I'm the strong, stable one, so it's a familiar, if not entirely comfortable role. I don't know what to tell her, and in the middle of it, I forget all about Cognitive Coaching and those techniques of helping someone without telling them what to do. It's also hard to separate and find that necessary detachment when it truly is someone you care about.
She sent me a message this afternoon asking me to sketch out the idea she's had rattling around for another tattoo. I'm not the greatest artist, but I'll give it a shot. Humbling.
And then this afternoon, I heard from the PSB. Haven't heard from him since he stood me up for the parade, and today he sends me a stupid message. What the hell? Seriously? Kiss my ass.
I haven't worked on my cover letter tonight, although I did have a moment of brilliance earlier this afternoon and I thought of something I needed to add to it. I've been busy pondering. Meta is dying...and I'm doing what with my life? Stagnating. What's wrong with me? And what am I going to do about it?
I also cooked tonight. Since my period started today, comfort food is high on the list of priorities. Macaroni and cheese was what sounded good, but those fixings were available at the house. I needed to make black bean soup with the ham bone, so I did that. So yummy. Also made mexican cornbread with the corn and jalapeno and cheese. Also so yummy. The soup is a healthy comfort food (because I do love it...with three big jalapenos in it, there was a bit of heat to it). Wasn't what I was looking for, but good enough. There's still ice cream to be had.
You know...most of the time I'm OK with being alone, but there are times when I really just wish that I wasn't occupying this space by myself. I don't want much from life; I just don't want to be alone when things are rough.
Last Updated May 26, 2008
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