Pierced Wonderings

May 6, 2012

Late Night Update

Time flies when you are having fun, doesn't it?

There is so much to update, although I don't think there's probably anyone who still reads here.

I suppose that the biggest thing is that I have been married for two weeks now. Two whole weeks. There is a lot to be said about that wedding. It was a good wedding, I think. It was worth it.

As I said while trying not to cry during our thank yous at the rehearsal, we had a lot of options for how and where we wanted to create the beginning of our lives together. There were many options that would have been so very much easier and less expensive for many people, but the truth of the matter is that when we were standing there, rehearsing our wedding, I could feel the love and emotion emanating from the people...mainly our families and our friends that are as close to us as family...all of it targeted towards us, all of it wrapping around us, lifting us up and supporting us...and I knew at that minute we'd absolutely made the right choice. For that minute alone, I wouldn't have changed a single thing. With all of the stress, the wedding we had was the wedding we needed to have. I totally and completely believe that. There are things about the wedding that I would have changed, but not the wedding itself.

I didn't have all of those feelings the day of the wedding because I screwed up and took some anti-anxiety medicine so I wouldn't be a bundle of nerves. At 3:30, the photographer wasn't returning phone calls or text messages. I didn't know if the men were ready. Cocktails still had to be made. My hair and make-up weren't done. I'd been teary off and on all day, and I knew then that it wasn't going to be pretty if I didn't get myself together. Which is where the Ativan came in. I was calm and collected as soon as that puppy kicked in, and I kinda of regret that. I wasn't a weepy mess during pictures or during the wedding, but I certainly didn't totally feel like I was participating...merely observing.

I'm not exactly sure where I should begin in the recitation of details. There's so much.

I think maybe I'll start with Party Universe. The morning of the wedding. That's where everything hit me. When I realized...holy shit this is happening. And holy shit there's still so much to do in order for this to happen.

I can't remember if I took my shower and then left to get errands run. Or if I went to Wal-Mart and then made my way to the shower once I was home. At any rate, I got up early the morning of the wedding. Like 4:30 early. And it went from there. Wal-Mart, home to make breakfast, Sam's, Party Universe, Wal-Mart, home to get everyone and start the ride north. I was business--taking care of things, crossing them off my list. But then Matt sent a text message. I don't remember now what it said, but I told him I was worried about the music. I didn't know the songs he'd chosen so I couldn't put them in any sort of order. It was then that I had my moment. I was weak and shaky and I felt like I was going to fall apart.

That really lasted most of the rest of the day. Up until I took that pill. I kept thinking that I needed mom to drive us from Gulfport to Hattiesburg, but I didn't want to ask because I felt like I really needed to maintain at the very least an air of calm. I was truly the duck in that moment. Outwardly, everything was good. Inwardly, I was falling apart. I'm not really sure how I got to Hattiesburg.

I meant to write more tonight, but I'm tired. More tomorrow.

Last Updated May 6, 2012

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